Many people feel stumped when it comes to relationships. You’ll hear people say “all the good ones are taken”. Or “All I meet are jerks.” While this may be true for some, there are some things you can do to change this.
If these statements were true or this has been your experience so far in dating and relationships it would stand to reason that you might be a bit skeptical that you will ever find a good person and have a healthy relationship.
So what can you do starting today to change this? You may be wondering is this even possible?
Let’s be honest here, if your self-mage is not so hot and far from what one might consider “healthy” are you really going to attract a healthy relationship?
So it would stand to reason that if you want to attract someone that is healthy and a good person you’ll want to make sure your beliefs about yourself and how you see yourself are healthy.
The first step in doing this is learning not only to like yourself, but love yourself. A great way to do this is to practice mirror work. You stand in front of a mirror and say positive affirmations to yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror. You also say “I love you” to yourself. It will feel odd at first and most likely very uncomfortable. Keep at it and don’t discount the power of this healthy exercise to improve your self-image and self- love.
2. Treat yourself well.
If you are not treating yourself well why should anyone else? Including a potential partner?
Be kind to yourself, write down positive things about yourself and recognize the positive aspects of those around.
How you treat yourself is the example you set for how others will treat you.
So how are you treating yourself? Examine the way you treat yourself and start making the changes starting today to make sure you are treating yourself well.
Take time for some self-care practices that you might enjoy and set aside 15 minutes a day to sit in silent meditation and connect with your inner self. You deserve to be treated well and it starts with you.
3. How do you talk to yourself?
What kind of inner dialogue do you have going on with yourself? How do you talk about yourself to others?
Are you complimentary of your-self or do you name call and berate yourself?
Again how you talk to yourself sets the standards for how others will talk to you.
Respect yourself, notice your strengths, talk about positive things you are doing or have done. Be proud of who you are, why not. If you are hoping to have a relationship with someone who respects you, you’ve got to first respect yourself.
If there are things you have said or done in the past that you are not proud of or that led to you not respecting yourself, leave them there. What you did, is not who you are and guess what you no longer live there.
Start today to live in a way that makes you proud to be who you are and helps you to respect the person you have become. As they say it is never too late to have a new beginning.
4. Are you carrying excess baggage?
Are you still going over and talking about what went wrong in your previous relationships? Are you still suffering the effects of a previous unhealthy relationship?
Be sure to work through and drop that old baggage before you set out to pursue a new relationship. If you are in search of a healthy relationship you don’t want to bring all that unhealthy baggage into the new one.
If you’ve been hurt or are reluctant to date, find a relationship or to love again you are going to block that from ever coming into your life. It is important to take the time to work through those feelings and to realize that just because you had a bad experience before does not mean you are doomed to have one again.
Good, healthy, respectful relationships are possible. After you work through your previous relationship baggage be open to the possibility of finding a good relationship. The first step is believing that it is possible and that you deserve to have a healthy relationship.
5. Think about some good relationships
We all have people that throughout our lives that we may have wished to have the relationship that they had or maybe even have been envious of.
You can have and deserve to have that kind of relationship too. Start to think about what qualities that those relationships had that you liked. What part of those relationships would you want in your relationship with someone?
If you could have a relationship any way you wanted it to be, what would it look like? How would it be? How would it feel? Start thinking about that and writing out what you want in a relationship.
6. Forget the bad boys
They may be sexy, which works if what you are looking for is sex, but the real sexy is man who treats a woman well and appreciates what he’s got.
I know, I know you think you can change him. You’ll be the one to tame his wild ways. Sure you will. Even if that were true, it still doesn’t mean he’s going to treat you well. Taming someone is not the basis of a healthy relationship and you can forget about him respecting you. If he’s used and abused women in his past, respect is not in his repertoire.
Find someone you don’t feel like you need to fix. For many like me this will be a nice change. This way you can enjoy the person for who they are instead of trying to change them into who you think they should be.
7. Be open to dating nice guys
This plays into the whole dropping the bad boy thing. If all you’ve ever met are guys at bars who like to party, bad boys or guys that just can’t seem to get their shit together- you are a fixer and you need to stop that.
Be open to dating a nice guy who has his shit together. Hell when I read my husband’s online dating profile I almost passed him up because he’s a bit of a geek, but heck I’m a nerd, just ask my sister who called me one my whole life. So why not be open to the geeks and nerds they may surprise you.
Give someone completely out of the box from your usual type that you date a chance; you never know where it may lead.
8. Don’t listen to those around you
Everyone has advice on who you should date and why. They may even try to set you up or tell you what to do. Follow your own intuition and listen to your own inner voice.
I remember thinking I could only date someone who had been married with kids after my first marriage ended. Since I had kids, I assumed someone who didn’t have children of their own wouldn’t want to date someone who did. Boy, was I wrong. Not only did I end up marrying someone who did not have kids, he also had never been married.
Don’t make assumptions or limit your dating pool based on assumptions or what other people say. Be open to exploring dating outside of your comfort zone. You may end up finding a relationship in places or ways that you haven’t before.
For example I had never tried online dating before. I was nervous, but decided to give it a try. What did I have to lose? It ended up being the best decision I ever made. I ended up meeting my future husband. So try something new and go out with someone you might not have considered as an option before. If it doesn’t work out, so what? It gets you out there experiencing new people and places.
9. Have fun it doesn’t have to be so serious
Just because you are looking for something serious, doesn’t mean it has to be serious. Make dating fun. Go out to have fun. You never know who you may wind up meeting or where it may lead, if you’re having fun, who cares?
You may meet some people that end up as friends, you may meet some that you never want to see again. Heck you may meet some like me that you end up running to your car to get away from-This only happened once:) If nothing else you will have some exciting stories to tell!
What better way to attract a fun, healthy relationship than by going into it with an idea that it is fun. Meeting new people, going new places and trying new things is fun- So enjoy it!
10. Don’t think about where it’s going
If you spend the whole time thinking or wondering about where the relationship is going you miss the enjoyment of the here and now. Take things slow. Get to really know someone and have them get to know you.
Find out about their friends and family and what kind of people they spend their time with. Ask questions. As you learn more about them find out things like are their parents married? Happily? For how long?
Yes, it’s good to know if their parents have been happily married for 40 years, it’s shows that they have probably had a good example to follow, but don’t miss out on the fun of enjoying getting to know them and spending time with them because your mind is far off into the future picturing getting married and having babies.
Those questions and things can come later, for now enjoy the ride so to speak and the adventure of figuring out what you want, while attracting healthier relationships into your life.