How to Know Within 15 Minutes If She's Right for You.

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You know if someone is right for you within minutes.

Sometimes it takes months or years before you realize that someone wasn't the right person for you, but did it really have to take that long?

In retrospect, you'll realize that it didn't.

Here's a trap I've noticed in my own life.

When we're single and someone takes an interest in us, we forget all rationality and sense of ourselves. We forget about what we want and get swept up in the moment.

The problem I've found with modern dating and relationships is that we do it backwards.

Instead of figuring out who we want and what qualities we seek in others, we go out there and see who shows up.

10_ways_to_attract_healthier_relationshipsAnd we let our own minds, bodies and physical senses trick us into going for the person who makes us laugh, the tall guy, the charming one or the one with a beautiful smile. All of these qualities foster attraction, but what we go for more than anything else is someone who takes an interest in us.

If someone is interested in us, that's usually enough for us to open our hearts and our lives to that person.

I think this is the wrong approach to dating and relationships.

You usually have an idea of what you want when you go to the grocery store, and typically, you make a list before you go. Of course, you forget about 50 percent of the items on the list and then remember them .08 seconds after you leave the supermarket parking lot.

Why don't we do the same with relationships?

Why don't we figure out what we want first and then go out and look for that? At the same time, kindly and immediately reject anyone who doesn't fit the mold of who we're looking for.

Here are 7 quick tips for knowing within 15 minutes whether or not someone is right for you.

1.       Use the past as a guide.

You've met people, dated others, lived with some and even married a few. Your romantic relationships of the past are the best guides to help you get clear about what you want and what you don't want in a person. Think about all the qualities in your previous partner. Which qualities attracted you? Which should you stay far away from?

2.       Forget about the superficial.

I'm not going to deny that attraction doesn't matter. It does. But isn't it crazy when we allow a nice smile, piercing green eyes, toned abs or height to determine whether someone will make a good partner or not? Know what you're attracted to and be conscious when you meet people. Realize that physical attraction is pulling you toward them, which is fine, but be conscious enough to realize that it doesn't end there.

Get to know each person and find out if he or she fits what you're looking for.

3.       Know what you want.

How are you going to find who you're looking for if you have no idea who you want? Keep physical and superficial qualities out of the search. What qualities do you value? What lifestyle should the person maintain? What values should he or she possess? What kind of person should he or she be? What kind of lifestyle does this person want and what kind of future does he or she envision? Write your answers on a piece of paper ahead of time so that you're aware of who you're looking for.

4.       Permit your intuition to lead.

This is how you make this sort of assessment within 15 minutes. You'll know immediately upon meeting someone if they're who you're looking for because you already have a picture of who you're looking for in your mind. Super important "“ it's not a physical look or appearance you're seeking. You'll actually have to meet the person and have a conversation with her. When the person responds to your questions, make references to circumstances and people in her life, or talk about her job. Your companion will speak directly about what she wants and what her perspective is, and will give you clues about her character. Tap into your intuition by practicing deep listening "“ listen to her words, listen to her intentions and listen to her body language.

5.       Watch out for red flags.

As you're listening to what she says, make mental notes and watch for red flags. What are red flags? They're those things you know you should be paying attention to and that should eliminate her as a potential partner. You know they're not good, but you ignore your intuition and proceed anyway.

If you're looking for a woman to start a family with but she has no such interest, that's a red flag.

If you're looking for someone to fit into your extended family but she has all kinds of problems with her own family, that's a red flag.

If she tells you a story about how she manipulated or hurt someone because the person "deserved" it, that's a red flag.

Because you know what you're looking for, you know what to look out for.

The only problem is that we are usually not looking for those things we know are bad for us. Or if we do know that something is a bad quality or characteristic, we ignore it!

6.       Be willing to walk away.

If you've been in many bad relationships or unfulfilling ones, it's easy to walk away. If you've not been in many or haven't been in one for a long time, walking away becomes harder. If your intuition advises you against continuing with the person and you see a lot of red flags, do the hard thing and end the relationship with the conversation, with the one coffee date or the one meeting. The shorter the amount of time you maintain a relationship with that person, the quicker you can move on. Why would you want to move on from the wrong person? So you can find the right person faster.

7.       Get comfortable with yourself.

You're not going to find someone if you have the wrong person in your life. In order to date, meet people and get into a relationship that fits you, you'll have to meet a lot of people and say "no" to a lot of the wrong people. Her charming personality will not sustain your relationship. Neither will her humor or her hair. No matter how good the person looks or comes across, if she doesn't fit your requirements and what you're looking for, you must be willing to walk way.

This requires discipline, but has its roots in self-acceptance and self-love. You can be okay with yourself only when you accept yourself. Spend time consciously being alone and being okay with it. It's perfectly normal to be by yourself for weeks or months at a time, improving yourself. Work on becoming the person you want to date. Work on becoming the person who will attract the person you're thinking of. Now that you have standards for who you want in your life, you have to up your game. Spend alone time to improve, grow and become the best version of yourself.

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About the author


Vishnu Subramaniam is the writer behind the popular self-help blog where he writes about starting over in life. For Vishnu's latest book, Does True Love Exist: 15 Simple Ideas for Finding Your Life Partner, click here.