Relationships

The Bitch in Your Dating Life: Three Makes a Crowd

Dr. Plumez
Written by Dr. Plumez

Dating involves competition, rejection, sex, body image, major differences between men and women, a lack of clear rules, and ticking time clocks. No wonder it provides such fertile ground for your inner critic to make you miserable. Negative thoughts around dating and relationships are counter productive–they stand in the way of intimacy and success.

datingHere are three common thought patterns to watch out for.

1. Thinking all the other women (or people) out there are more desirable

Prettier, younger, livelier, sexier and thinner. Yes, there are people who will outshine you in these ways.   That’s why it’s self-defeating to compete in these categories–they all fade with time.

Focus instead on who you are as a person””what are your interests?   Your best personal characteristics? These are what will attract the right mate for you, instead of the right mate for the person you’re comparing yourself to.

2. Focusing on what the guy (or gal) thinks about you, as opposed to what you think about him/her.

You will make yourself crazy if you keep wondering “What does (s)he think of me?”   If you are obsessed with that, ask! It’s much more productive to focus on what you think about him/her ““ Do you have common interests?   What are the good and bad qualities in this other person and do they work for you and your life?

3. Idolizing the one who got away.

Stop obsessing about how your ex is the most wonderful person in the world. Stop telling yourself bull like you will never find anyone as good. That train left the station! There probably were good reasons you were not the right match. Use your energy to be open to new people.

Here’s the truth: dating is like a casting call. Just as there are many people who are attractive and perfectly nice, but not your type, so it is with the people who reject you.

Here’s the no-lose plan: Make your life enriching and happy while you keep looking for the right one. Don’t give up until you find the type of love that feels right–don’t stop until you find what you are looking for. In the process, watch out for your Bitch and make sure that voice isn’t putting you down. Build yourself up and be your own best friend.

Adapted from Chapter 4, Bitch of a Date: The Bitch Makes Three a Crowd, from  The Bitch in Your Head: How to Finally Squash Your Inner Critic,  by  Jacqueline Plumez,  Rowman & Littlefield, 2015

About the author

Dr. Plumez

Dr. Plumez

Jacqueline Hornor Plumez, Ph.D. is a psychologist, career counselor, speaker and journalist/writer. She practices psychotherapy and career counseling in Larchmont, New York and Manhattan. Her 500 fellow psychologists in Westchester County have voted her their Distinguished Psychologist and given her their Distinguished Service Award. She received a B.S. in Business Administration from Bucknell University and a Ph.D. in Psychology from Columbia Univeristy. In 2015 Bucknell University gave her the Service to Humanity award. Dr. Plumez is donating all proceeds from this book to charities that help women and children. You can find more about her here or on Facebook