Your ten year anniversary is looming. The mere mention of it is a clanging reminder of what a limp sock your marriage is. The dull routine. The same fights over and over.
The romance is gone. Long ago. But so is your connection, interest and motivation to improve the relationship that you vowed to honor way back in the days when you fit into your little black dress and wore bikinis.
What's the point? You know him, he knows you, and everything in between is just bills, boredom, and bread coupons.
And don't even mention sex. Ever.
Is it time to jack it all in? Start over and finally admit it simply isn't working?
But if you'd rather avoid the civil settlements court, lawyers, hefty fees, heartache and duel-at-dawn of a divorce, I suggest you take a long hard look at your subconscious mind and see if it's actually your brain (gasp!) who is totally ruining your marriage.
Meet Your Subconscious Mind
Simply put, you are fundamentally hardwired to fear everything. It's a primitive protection mechanism. Highly useful for evading death by polar bear and that kind of thing.
Brian Tracy explains: "Your subconscious mind is like a huge memory bank. Its capacity is virtually unlimited. It permanently stores everything that ever happens to you."
This Includes all the bad stuff, which it regurgitates to "protect" you from future damage (mental, emotional, physical, etc). So when your purse gets snatched by that slimy SOB, your subconscious is going to prime you for the rest of your life to avoid that situation ever happening again.
You have an average of between 50,000 and 100,000 thoughts a day, and your subconscious is responsible for 95% of them. Therefore, your subconscious is calling all the shots – and your marriage may be suffering because of it.
Hone in and tune up your subconscious mind by following these 8 steps right now. You may just save your relationship from the brink of disaster.
8 Ways To Redirect Your Subconscious Mind and Save Your Marriage
Try the Write and Burn Method
You're fighting about the paper towels. Again. At this juncture, you're totally over it. You're either bottling up your frustrations because there's no point or you're spewing out black hate everywhere because you simply can't stand it any longer.
The situation escalates. Perhaps you shout things you'll really regret or maybe retreat into your passive aggressive cave for 3 days. Either way, it's not good. More to the point, nothing is going to change by repeatedly falling into these same old patterns.
The Solution: Try the write and burn method. It may feel silly at first, but this is an incredibly effective practice for healing. Seize that opportunity of intense energy and direct it onto the page -have no mercy. Express your inner darkness without judgment or inhibition. Allow all the hurt, frustration, confusion, and resentment to flow until you have run out of steam and calmed down.
Read it over if that feels right, but most importantly, burn that baby post haste. Not only will the symbolism of a flame burial represent release, but you'll automatically feel the burden of those toxic thoughts and feelings leave you. This will signal to your subconscious mind that you want to let go of these old stories, instead of dwelling and manifesting them into continual reality.
Revamp Your Affirmations
We've all heard of affirmations. They are a powerful tool that can dramatically alter the expression of our subconscious mind – which ultimately affects your thoughts and actions. However, the emphasis of affirmations is often centered around what we want to attract into our lives, not necessarily focusing on what we already have.
For example, your affirmation might go something like this: I easily attract meaningful, loving relationships into my life. That's a great mantra, and totally legit. The point is to connect the subconscious mind to thoughts of higher vibration that serve you better.
However, don't forget what you already have. And yes, I do mean your partner whose drinking is no longer funny and whose belly is a growing reminder of that.
The Solution: Use your affirmations to transform what you have. Instead of wishing that a brawny superhero would show up at the door, affirm to yourself that your partner is already all of the things you desire. Repeat many times throughout the day that you enjoy a creative, honest, open, dynamic, spiritually connected (or etc) relationship with your spouse right now. You may be surprised to find that once you commit to noticing the positives, you remember all the special things that brought you together in the first place.
Even if you don't believe it at first, continue with this practice, planting the seeds of change deep into your subconscious mind. Results will come.
Get Excited With Inspired Goals
It's all you can do to wake up on time, work a full day, and have something halfway decent for dinner, before dropping into bed for a full repeat tomorrow. And your partner? Don't even ask. She's on the rag and yes, a whole bottle of wine is absolutely reasonable thank you very much. You just want to watch the game and avoid a collision at all costs.
Not very romantic. Damage control may save your skin tonight, but is only postponing the inevitable.
The Solution: Cultivate the relationship you want by mapping out your goals. It can feel overwhelming and ultimately pointless when you consider all your marital problems at once, but persevere. Be honest and write them all down, imbibing them with some genuine inspiration. Give yourself something to be excited and motivated by.
From here, you can actually formulate an action plan that avoids emotional drain and chaos. It will also allow you to chart progress, instead of leaping from one negative aspect to the next.
Having goals will create a strong sense of satisfaction and victory when you overcome obstacles. Your subconscious mind will begin to align itself with solution-based thinking as opposed to reverting back to its negative orientations. You will naturally start to gravitate towards your partner, forming a new version of a successful partnership.
Stop Seeking Attention From the Outside
You'd never cheat. But. Your neighbor is pretty gorgeous. Tall, handsome, swish car. It's nothing, really. A little crush. Even though you make sure you have make-up on at all times and dash out to get the mail at exactly the moment he walks by (every day). He looks, you look. Smiles and butterflies and OMG he said "Hi" today!
But those feelings aren't love. They're hormones. And while they're fun, they're also fleeting and possibly creating an unrealistic fantasy that your actual spouse cannot compete with. Come back to earth.
The Solution: True love requires cultivation from within. There is nothing passive about having a lasting relationship. You must make a conscious and consistent effort. Your marriage is an exotic plant; years of careful dedication and daily attention will keep it healthy, vital, and thriving – even when the sun doesn't shine. Sometimes it will bloom, and sometimes it will bear fruit – and don't forget to notice that the shiny green leaves are beautiful all on their own.
You won't have a spare two seconds to consider Mr. Hotstuff next door when you are genuinely investing energy and effort into your very own beautiful partner in life.
Revisit and Revise Your Vision Board
An important part of training our subconscious mind is to create vision boards that reflect our goals and desires. It can be an inspiring ritual that yields astonishing results. However, it's often the case that these boards are covered with glam photos of exotic beach destinations, Hollywood mansions, and designer handbags. Things that you don't have. Things that would make your life better (I guess).
But that handbag isn't going to improve your communication skills in the heat of an argument. That Greek vacation isn't going to make your husband more intimate or your wife less of a boring nag. With a bit of care, it is possible to use this amazing tool to totally transform the sorry state of your relationship into the fulfilling, loving journey you're desperate for.
The Solution: Dedicate a portion of your vision board to the relationship you want to cultivate with the partner you already have. This may include spending more time together, holding hands, or having open and honest conversations. Get real and think about the kind of sex you'd like to explore and how you'd love your husband to spend more time on foreplay. Set clear intentions for what you want to bring into your current circumstances.
Ditch Date Night and Get Real
It's so cheesy, right? A table for two with candles and a plastic rose. Then you get annoyed because your salad is wilty and your wife spilled sauce on her cream cashmere and now you're talking about who forgot to take out the garbage, and then you argue about the credit card statement.
It's a disaster. Again. And you can't really afford it and it always ends this way and dates are stupid. Spending time with your dearly beloved has become a special form of hellish torture and it seems that Valentine's day exists to personally mock you.
The Solution: Get creative about spending time together. Maybe staring into each other's eyes over vegetarian lasagna isn't going to make sparks fly. Ditch dinner, date night, and all conventional advice about being romantic. Build a terrarium. Take a class together. Learn something new that makes you both feel a little vulnerable. Avoid the traditional routine and try something totally fresh.
Re-program your subconscious to start looking forward to spending time together. You don't have to flash the cash or go very far. Discover yourselves together.
Align Your Goals With Each Other
It's pretty hideous when you've read all the articles, invested in a private therapist, and been meditating on your own for 6 whole months for nothing. Your man is still a lazy bump, and your lady may as well be a chrome toaster for all the affection you're getting
Now you're even more frustrated and resentful. What a load of nonsense all this hippie hokum is.
But does your partner even know what you're up to? Your guy probably wasn't listening when you mandated that giant list of expectations with self righteous authority. He probably listened even less when you reminded him 246 times.
The Solution: Talk about solutions, not problems. Aside from not being able to read your mind, your partner might not be seeing your true intentions. They may just feel controlled, manipulated, misunderstood, and ignored. He doesn't get that you want to spend more time together – he only hears that you hate it when he play video games.
Try having an open conversation with them about your intentions and desires. Set goals together. Focus on positive outcomes that you both want to see. Instead of insisting she quits being so uptight and stops spending so much, reframe by deciding to relax more, enjoy financial freedom and create more intimacy between you. This clarity will reinforce positive intentions for both of you, and provide a crash mat to fall back to when you fall off track.
Identify Your Triggers
Our relationships are the truest mirrors of ourselves. They reflect back to us who and what we are. Often this is in conflict with what we'd prefer to see, and it can trigger all sorts of emotional upheaval that we deflect back onto our partner.
She always complains, which makes you absolutely furious. He constantly criticizes, even though he knows how it upsets you, even though you've told him a million times. The situation quickly escalates, a fight ensues, and shots are fired. How dare she do this (again)?
The Solution: Take a great big step back and consider that understanding the origin of your reaction to the situation is key; your partner may have nothing whatsoever to do with your feelings and reactions. Your subconscious mind is clinging onto your past, suppressed emotions, negative experiences, and old belief systems (even if you think you've left that all behind), and may be wreaking havoc.
Stop assuming it's your partner's fault. Reflect on why you're reacting. This may take time, and even some professional help. Unpicking these reactions can bring pivotal understanding of ourselves, personal patterns, and the chemistry of our relationships. So often the answer to all our problems is already within us.
A Final Word
If you want to save your marriage, you have to make it happen by showing up and taking action.
The good news is, you totally can.
You absolutely have the ability to recreate your own reality.
Apply these steps. Really tap into your subconscious mind to rewrite your story. Supercharge your results and intensify the effectiveness of these methods with meditation and guided or self hypnosis.
Happy endings happen all the time. But not by accident.