Are not entirely satisfied in your relationship? What is it that is upsetting the balance of it? There are a lot of great energies that fuel good relationships, and enough little things to bring them down as well. Sometimes it's the behaviour of our partner or the lack of connectivity; or could it be that the fire is dwindling?
It doesn't have to be this way. Here's a list of things you should not put up with in a relationship. Of course there are obvious entries, but also ideas and examples of poor behaviour and manners that should set off alarms for your future planning. Whether it's mild abuse at home or poor manners at restaurants or around other people, you should be quick to recognize habits that offend you, and immediately act on them. Do not wait to address anything – it is only lying to yourself and your emotions. You deserve better.
As much as this one is so obvious, it is unfortunately not heeded in so much of the world. The topic is so vast it can not simply be tackled in one paragraph. But if you are suffering from physical or emotional abuse in a relationship and you can leave it without considerable consequence, you will thank your future self greatly. Yes there are cases where women and men are in abusive relationships that cannot be left so easily, and to these people, my greatest sympathies. But I urge others, who suffer from "casual" or "ordinary" abuse to make every stride to leave the courtship. They will not kill you. They will not harm you afterwards. It is hard to move on, but eventually after months and years, feelings pass and things become history. Make that person history.
2. White lies
This is two fold. When people lie to each other, there is malicious intent – they are trying to cover up something bad or keep something hidden for a bad reason. Of course, we should not tolerate this. But how about white lies? I think white lies are the same – even if it is something simple, I think it is intolerable. Why? Because it is still covering up the true opinion. If your spouse has a habit of telling you that you look good when he/she doesn't think you do, for example, seems like an expected gesture to someone you love, but the truth is, you should be open on both sides about the real truth about everything. Liars have to remember so much – but if you tell the truth, you can freely say whatever is on your mind always. We have to take everything with a pinch of salt, and we should trust our partners to support us both ways in whatever is the best way.
3. Unnecessary rudeness
So, it is one thing to get past white lies. "Do I look fat in this dress?" – "Yes". Maybe you do. You should be able to talk about it, laugh about it (there's nothing wrong with that), and enjoy the truth with each other. "Do you like fat in this dress?" – "Yes, you look like a cow". Now this is maybe too far, if it's meant with poor form and is not in your sense of humour together. These are examples but you know what I mean. If your partner is belittling you or making you feel bad at the expense of his or her humour, even just a little, it is something that should be addressed. It is rude, and unnecessary – humour should be in good taste for both parties, and respected. There is a difference between being funny and being rude. Don't put up with rude words.
4. Controlling behaviour
If you have a first date with a man that orders food for you while you're sitting across from him or cuts the waiter off in mid-speech to tell him the exact requirements of his meal, the red signals should be flaring. This guy is a control freak. You should be able to speak when you want and act when you want – not at the risk of him trying to "be a man" or whatever he is trying to put on. I have seen guys do this in restaurants – while the woman sits timidly, the man barks orders to the waiter for both of them, without consulting her first, assuming her tastes and getting her what he thinks she should have. Poor form, poor behaviour. Do not spend time with men or women like this.
5. Not supporting you
Every night you write your dreams down in your journal, and sometimes you talk about them at dinner. You want to open a shop, sell something online, cook for people, make an event, or volunteer with charity more. And every time, he nods his head, tells you languidly, "sure," and shows no effort of support to your cause. He has no enthusiasm to your dreams and doesn't try to add colour or opinion. He thinks it's a waste of time, waste of money, or a failure before you even try.
Don't even bother with this guy. Whatever your crazy idea is, your crazy idea should have room to breathe and live. 150 years ago people dreamed of flying, and now we fly. 100 years ago people dreamed of safe medicine, and now we have anaesthetics and vaccinations. All because people had crazy ideas and dreams, and did what they had to do to make it possible for everyone. Follow through and live your dreams, and your partner should support you no matter what.
6. Not making you smile enough
You go to dinner and it's boring. You go for walks in the park and don't talk about anything. When was the last time you really smiled and laughed together? What happened to that first spark?
Maybe silence is fundamental to your quiet-type relationship, but if it isn't, you shouldn't spend time with a guy or girl that makes you feel bored or deprives you of that energy for life. Find someone who has the same sense of humour and loves to make you laugh and see your smile; someone who is casual when you are, and serious when you are. You need to strike a good balance with each other. Don't waste time with someone who doesn't make you smile.
7. Nothing to talk about
You're at a restaurant and watching other couples on dates laughing and gossiping together, acting like kids and having fun – meanwhile, you sit in silence while your partner analyzes the mayonnaise and asks you for the third time if you like the burger. What happened? In a healthy relationship, there should be no lack of things to talk about and laugh about. Your lives are entwined, every moment is a joy and you can endlessly share your thoughts and secrets together without reprimand. You feel comfortable and are never anxious about what you're going to talk about next. Awkward silence is for teenagers – you are adults; he, she, is an adult. We have grown up and matured. You need someone as mature as you, and that means relaxing, smiling, and not worrying about social anxiety. There's so much to talk about – be with someone that brings the energy of chatter out of the both of you!
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