“My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind before you can move on.” – Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump seemed to have learned a lesson that many smarter and more accomplished people have not. Despite the fact that we all know that life never gave us a guarantee that we would be fairly treated and that bad things would not happen to us, we commonly get taken by surprise when life gives us a blow that we think we don’t deserve. As much as
we try to move on after a setback, all too often yesterday’s blows become todays negative pull that grips us and limits our enjoyment of NOW. A powerful pull from the land of past regrets and “woulda coulda shouldas” loom larger than life, robbing us of our sense of well being. Perhaps most tragic, however, is the feeling that yesterday’s disappointments, losses and failures have set the stage for the rest of our lives, leaving many with a loss of hope that they will never, ever “get over” what is too late to change.
There are no shortage of things to “get over” in our lives. There are obvious devastating traumas such as crippling accidents, serious illness, personal loss, family conflict, job layoffs or termination, failure, and painful breakups, to name a few. However, many insults to our internal equanimity are not as visible to the eye. Private heartbreaks and invisible scars of disappointments in ourselves and others can lead to questioning past choices, leaving us to wonder “why”, “why didn’t,” “why didn’t I,” and “if only.” Despite the fact that we “know better,” and realize that nothing can change what is past, it sometimes seems almost impossible to “get over” these painful feelings of lost opportunities, failed chances, poor choices, broken friendships and irrecoverable relationships. The profound sense of loss and disillusionments might very well lead us to feel doubtful that we can ever really “get over it!”
Yes – it is too late to alter what has happened, but the truth is that we need not be held hostage forever by the land of broken dreams and lost chances. The following are 6 tips to move forward from yesterday’s pull, to finally once and for all, “get over it.”
1. Realize that some things you never really “get over” but you still can “get through.”
There are some things that are so life altering that we never can truly leave them behind us. Extreme and heart breaking loss such as the death of a child, severe trauma, facing a fatal disease, life-altering accidents in which you or a loved one are permanently disabled or disfigured, are just a few examples. The more tragic the impairment or loss, the more we are challenged to rise above it. The more we are pressed to make good of something so bad, the more we need to to seek support and help to carry on. Those that are determined to open their hearts to try again, to love again, to trust again, will get through the trauma much better than those that shut down and spiral into isolation and bitterness. We might not have the ability to change the past, but we can choose how we deal with it so we can at least get on with life in a way that is albeit quite different from before, but a life that still offers hope and joy.
2. Things that you can’t “get over” are great warnings!
Imagine the gas light on your car. The gas light signals that we are running low on gas so as to prevent us from running out of gas and alerting us that action needs to be taken, i.e. to get to a gas station. Likewise, the things in our lives that we can not “get over” are telling us something that we still have things to learn – and it is up to us to discover what!
3. Over 80 percent of our life is determined not by events, but our reaction to them.
Instead of focusing on what can not be changed, focus on what can be changed. In most cases, events or other people do not cause us to feel a certain way. WE DO! Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, getting out of a victim mentality, will empower you to make stepping stones out of your past regrets, setbacks and disappointments instead of wearing them as millstones around your neck.
4. Stick to the facts, not interpretations
Often we can not “get over” something because of stories we tell ourselves, which are not based on facts. For example, some people who lose a job will be disappointed, but still have the confidence to move on realizing that there might be better opportunities. In contrast, others would not be able to “get over” the trauma of rejection and label themselves as losers and failures. People in crisis often create stories about themselves and personalize life’s cruel twist as somehow reflecting their self worth, resulting from old ingrained judgmental thought habits. The negative “self-talk” becomes so ingrained that often we do not realize that we have the power to change it!
5. Give yourself permission to grieve what “could have been”
In some instances, we can’t be expected to “get over” something too soon if we have not gone through the process of grieving. Grieving is not just a process we go through in dealing with the death or loss of a loved one. There are less visible and concrete losses, such as a realization that you might not have the life you thought you would, that your enthusiasm of Act 1 on your life gave way to a very disappointing Act 2 or 3. Anywhere from large scale grief to private heartache, the process of grieving is vital to the healing process. At times we need to go through stages of anger and bitterness in order to be able to move to the stage of acceptance.
6. Seek support – as long as it the healthy type!
People grow best through support and relationships. Those who retreat inward and shut people off so as not to be hurt again will keep on re-traumatizing themselves. Those who become better from a setback rather than become bitter will find new avenues to seek support to soothe their sense of loss. Healthy and supportive relationships can help heal wounds. Even if others can not fix your trauma, they can help you cry. Also – keep in mind that even if you are reeling from a broken heart, at least when it is broken, it becomes open!
7. Know that there are no“do-overs” but there are “second chances.”
Remind yourself that it’s never too late to “start over.” As the famous quote by George Elliot reads, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” If you learn lessons from what you can not “get over,” and make healthy decisions now based on what you learned, you will truly give yourself new life to an old issue. Changing behaviors to cope with or prevent unfortunate things from happening again will empower you. Being proactive instead of reactive, while making changes based on your life lessons, can heal past hurts. Reworking yesterday never really works!
8. Forgive for goodness sake!
Whether you need to forgive yourself, others or even God or life itself, forgiveness will release you from the chains of bitterness. The more you can forgive, the more you can accept life as it comes. Forgiveness opens your heart to gratitude, focusing on what is good in your life rather than what is sorely missed. Imagine you are looking at a bagel. Do you focus on the hole or on the whole? Give yourself a gift by trading bitterness and powerlessness to acceptance and gratitude.
If you follow these 8 tips to “get over it” you will be in great shape to get on with your life!
I welcome comments. What are things you can not “get over” and do you have other suggestions on how to “get over it?”
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I feel so blessed that I bumped into this article even though I wasn’t searching for stuffs that are related to moving on. Right now, I am going through my worst heartache and I don’t know how long would I carry this pain because it feels heavier each day. But, from now on, I’ll do my best to see things on a different light.
Thank you so much for this wonderful write-up. God bless your heart
Hi Theresa – Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time, and appreciate that you found some solace in my post. Wishing you the best in “getting through” it and emerging even stronger and more resilient. Just by responding the way you did reveals a very beautiful and sincere soul and that will carry you far! Regards, Judy
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Nice one there. Very impressive and insightful. Infact, a life changer. Well done!
Chech out my blog: http://www.4sapre.WordPress.com, its quite similar to this.
Thanks Nnaka – I appreciate your comment – I wanted to look at your site but it did not work – please check the URL and reprint! Thanks – Judy
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Hi Jerry – Your comment is so well expressed and very convincing! I love your insights and thanks for sharing so eloquently! Judy
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I can personally speak to the power of putting something behind you. For years I struggled with letting the past go. The greatest tool I discovered was simply accepting that it was over.
You see if it’s over then it’s over. It doesn’t influence you any more. You didn’t have the best childhood? Don’t sweat it. It’s over!
Your boyfriend dumped you? Good news. It’s over. It’s in the past, and you don’t have to replay it over and over in your head. You don’t have to fight it to make sure it doesn’t happen. It’s over. You survived!
The more I let go, the more I realize that I’m really okay. That I’m not the effect of what’s happened to me, but that I’m alive this very moment.
I don’t have to play out the patterns of the past, my future is going to be whatever it’s going to be!
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I really appreciate the point about giving yourself permission to grieve. In an ever-growing culture of self-development and manifesting the best (excellent things), we sometimes forget that feelings are meant to be felt. I’ve found that giving myself permission to grieve has been one of the best ways of getting over disappointment and hurt. Thanks for sharing,
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THanks Danette – I like that phrase – “feelings are meant to be felt” I do agree that often people think that being positive is always being cheerful – but that is just being in denial! Being positive does not mean you can not feel sad, grieve, cry etc. but the key is having hope that you can grow from the hurt.Thanks for your comment – much appreciated. Judy
Grieving what could have been. Been there and done that and it is okay to allow yourself to do this. It works for me.
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Thanks Justin – Grieving what could have been is often just as hard as grieving what did happen – and wishing it didn’t. Seems like you have that concept under control!! Thanks – Judy
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Judy,
Thank you for such an informative article. I appreciate your mission to help others live a life that is not bogged down by past stumbles. Know you are appreciated.
The point that resonates with me the most is #4. I struggle to overcome the negative self-talk and exaggerated memories of past failures. I tend to turn the failures back to internal reasons (what I did, what I could have done, etc.) What tips do you have to overcome this kind of self-talk? How can I silence that voice and focus on the present, instead of the past?
Also, my suggestion for helping people “get over” their past failures is to love the people who you are with. I find a lot of power by talking to, and laughing with, the people I care about the most. I find power to overcome the past by recognizing the importance to be present with the ones I love. Just my ideas on moving on from the past.
Thanks again.
Branden
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Thanks Branden for your thoughtful response and questions. I do support your notion that sharing and loving relationships ease the pangs of regret and failure. Just the act of not isolating yourself and being open to the warmth of others can be quite healing.
AS for #4 – that is a universally tough nut to crack! Good people are often hardest themselves – more than they would be to anyone else. One thought is that it is important to forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what you now know if hindsight. Another idea is to make a beautiful mosaic out of the broken pieces of your disappointments and regrets.. for those two points I actually made pictorial inspirations which you might enjoy – you can find them and more at http://www.dailypositiveinspirations.com
Thanks for connecting! Judy
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Thanks for your very meaningful comment William. In point 5, I allude to the idea that grieving is an important part of healing. Going through Kubler Ross’ 5 stages of grieving applies in the death of a relationship as much as in coming to grips with the death of a person.
How would you know if you forgave them? If they do not have as much power and the pain does not either, and you grow from the hurt. In acceptance you no longer feel like a victim.
Thanks – Judy
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Judy: Forgiveness is not always so easy, but how do I know when I have truely forgave someone for the pain they brought upon me, if I do not see or hear from them? Is there some sort of feeling that I should feel within myself?
Anyways, I like your writing and you use great examples! I can not get over running out of gas, but I can be smart how I handle the inevitable.
Personally, point five resides with me the most. I am only human and I know after heart-stabbing pain, I need time to grieve. If I jump from one relationship to the next, but never really get over the last one then no relationship will ever work because I will continue to bring my emotions/problems with me. I just keep reminding myself that I am strong and grieving time is what I need.
Question: When you put slang phrases into quotes, why is there a need to italicize? I italicize sounds, but should I also italicize thoughts?
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There’s a great insight I gained a couple days ago. When you are worrying about something, can you so something about it? If yes, then why worry about it? If no, then why worry about it?
It’s really quite powerful.
Thanks Wouter – very logical but unfortunately logic does not always rule the emotions! If you can live by that, however, all power to you! I certainly agree that is the healthiest option! Thanks for you uplifting comment. Judy
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I think forgiving yourself should be first on the list. How long can you keep beating yourself up for something that didn’t turn out how you expected it to? I was brought up with the Protestant guilt thing – nothing I would ever do could possibly be good enough…part of forgiving yourself (and others) is to change your perspective on the past. Easier said than done, but an important part of moving on.
I agree – if you can not forgive yourself how can your forgive others? – Your comment was well said – I agree that although the past can not be changed we can change our perspective on it.
Thanks – Judy
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Hi Judy,
I love #8: forgive yourself! The whole/hole dichotomy resonates with me.
Once you acknowledge that you are whole and complete in spite of your mistakes, you can honestly and realistically assess where you are right now, and how to move forward.
Several years ago, I was in graduate school pursuing a Masters degree in theology. I didn’t complete that degree and for a long time I was angry at myself about it.
My anger kept me stuck where I was. Whenever I’d try working on career goals I’d succumb to a debilitating sense of self-doubt and helplessness. Once I forgave myself and fully accepted where I was right then, I gained clarity and confidence
I realized that I could decide what the meaning and significance of my “failure” would be. My experience may not have ended up like I expected, but I learned important lessons that paved the way for my future successes.
Out lows are important parts of our story; just as much a part who we are as our successes and achievements.
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Thanks Jessica for your very thoughtful comment. Thanks for sharing the example from your own life – it helps others to realize they are not alone!
I absolutely agree that failures pave the way for success. Thanks for your very well expressed comment! Judy
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I’m currently reading a BUG FREE MIND by Andy Shaw and his solution to getting over it is (basically) through taking an observers position to how you stay ‘attached’ to pain and just watch it curiously. This has been working for me as I realise I don’t need to hang onto stuff. Observation tends to alter the quality of the pain, hurt etc as instead of shying away from it we see it for what it is. Is working for me!
Thanks for your great comment doug. Certainly raking the perspective of an observer makes things more objective. I tell people, if you are anxious about a situation – “watch it like a movie” and pretend you are in the audience. Objectivity makes it more manageable! Thanks, Judy
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“Over 80 percent of our life is determined not by events, but our reaction to them.”
I love this one! For most things, I believe this one is the KEY. Going through tough times are also the times in life that you grow and develop the most as a person, you realise more so who you are, what you can achieve and who is dearest in your life. Just knowing this fact can flip your whole perception and actually see the positive in the situation!
Brendan
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Thanks Brendan for your comment. Love that quote you cited! I agree with it! I also agree with your emphasis on using challenges and tough times to grow the most. Attitude is everything! Regards, Judy
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I’m so relaxed after reading this simply amazing thoughts. Nothing more to say. Thanks a lot.
Great comment! Now I feel more relaxed too!!!! Thanks – Judy
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thanks judy.this post is really an eye opener.what if u had a chance before the action or event to do something but its on a big scale and you didnt take it because of fear of fucking up will you be able to forgive yourself or will you always regret it?
Thank you Favour,
Tanks for taking the time to comment. We never know what would have been – there are always second chances – we need to forgive ourselves for not having the foresight to know what we know now in hindsight. Thanks, Judy
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