About Sathvik Tantry
A few weeks ago, I was talking with a couple who had been happily married for more than 40 years. Although they were well in their sixties, they still had the same warmth and excitement as newlyweds. Needless to say, I was impressed. In an age where couples get divorced on a whim, a stable marriage like this is a rare and treasured asset. Their success piqued my curiosity. What was their secret? How had they managed to maintain a thriving relationship for so long?
Their answer: It’s all about asking the right questions.
From a young age, we are trained to look for the correct answers. We get “As” on our tests when we answer a lot of questions correctly. We are constantly expected to understand things instantaneously, and as a result, we’re afraid that we might end up looking stupid if we ask for help.
The couple I met had a successful relationship because they knew what to ask, and when to ask it. They constantly keep their eyes and ears open and showed a willingness to learn about the other person’s personalities, struggles, and aspirations. This allowed them to provide each other with the support and encouragement that are cornerstones of a healthy relationship.
Of course
, asking the right questions is crucial in business as well. When Alan Wurtzel took over Circuit City in 1983, he spent hundreds of hours interviewing all the top-level managers at the firm on their strengths, weaknesses, and opportunities for the company. He took everything in and always followed up if he didn’t understand something. By asking the right questions, Wurtzel developed a keen sense of the company’s needs and strategized accordingly. Over the next 15 years, Circuit City outperformed the general stock market by nearly three times and grew from a obscure retailer to a national powerhouse. Not bad.
A good place to start learning about how to ask the right questions is to understand what NOT to do. Here are a few types of questions that you should try to avoid.
Vague Questions: At some point we’ve all wondered “what is the meaning of life?” That doesn’t make it a good question. Who knows what the word “meaning” actually means? Questions like this will usually degenerate into a unproductive discussion. While these can be fun, they rarely lead to any meaningful transfer of information.
“Closed” Questions: You want to ask questions that facilitate discussion and ideally, some follow-up questions on your end. For example, asking someone “how was your day?” can be answered with a simple “ok.” Instead, asking something like “what was the single best thing about your day” will elicit a more specific response.
The “Why” Questions: It’s ok to ask “why” something is the way it is once in awhile, but asking it repeatedly can come across overly confrontational. The last thing you want is to be seen as excessively judgmental.
Now that we’ve talked a little about things you shouldn’t do, let’s try to figure out…
The Characteristics of Good Questions:
Be Specific: Let’s say that you wanted to learn more about how a certain business was successful. You could ask a question like “what’s the secret to your success?” but that could easily yield a vague response. Instead, ask something like “What are the three most important decisions you’ve made to increase your bottom line?” This is far more specific and will provide you with much more valuable information.
Explain what you already know: A few years ago, I met with a successful entrepreneur for some advice on how to structure a new business plan. The entrepreneur’s time was valuable and I wanted to get the most out of our conversation. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of not telling him that I already had a good background in business. As a result, he spent most of the time answering my questions in a fairly basic fashion, while I was looking for much more specific insights. I could have easily gotten more out of the conversation had I been upfront about my background and knowledge.
Understand Your Goals: Good questions are goal-oriented. It’s much easier to frame a good question if you know your reason for asking it. So make sure that you understand why you are asking a question before you ask it…otherwise you risk wasting everyone’s time.
What do you think makes a great question? Please share in the comments
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I was certainly one of those people that was afraid of asking questions. I guess I still am at times. I wonder if getting irritated answers causes us to shut up and stop asking. And yes, it is about asking the RIGHT questions.
@ Dear MARTY — Once in school (5th grade science class) I asked, “But what is gravity? How does it work?.” And the teacher said, “Robin, this class doesn’t need to know that stuff, only the really smart kids are required to know that.” I felt punched and learned that it wasn’t okay to ask questions. Years later my Dad said something I never forgot, “Always question everything, even your doctor, your lawyer, even the president (Robin chuckles), and think for yourself, trust yourself.” I never forgot that. Years later, in the rainforest, I learned that asking the right questions is a an essential part of our evolution and survival.
@ Dear STEVE — I think this is just wonderful. I LOVE it. I’ve found that sometimes I’ve have to make a few “trail” stabs at it before we find just the “right” question (even if only in my mind). It’s like honing in on the a nugget of gold, buried in rock. Surprisingly once I KNOW that I have the right question, I often find the right answer just comes to me. Isn’t that wild?!!! So when I read this it really got me thinking how important it is to find the right question. I also loved the story of the long married couple. Beautiful.
Thank you dear friend. I too have missed you. Think of you so often.
Sending warm sunny hugs from New Mexico to you and your family. Hope you are all well.
Robin
It has to be the key Robin. I have a very old friend who was in the lowest class most of the way through school. He always asked questions in class, particularly in the science class. He raced past me in later life!
Thanks so much for your comment – its true that sometimes people might not respond well, but that’s just part of it – no need to stress too much!
I totally agree that asking the right questions leads to better answers! Although “why” questions can be viewed as confrontational when used with others, it can have quite a different impact when you use it with yourself. For example, asking yourself, “Why am financially secure?” leads to responses such as, “Because I am responsible with my money, invest wisely, etc.” On the other hand, asking yourself, “Why am I broke?” will lead to answers like, “Because I’m a terrible money manager, etc.” The mind wants to be helpful and will quickly supply the “right” answers. For more on the power of asking why, check out Noah St. John’s work.
“It’s ok to ask “why” something is the way it is once in awhile, but asking it repeatedly can come across overly confrontational.”
Great advice! I think your statement is also valid for other various contexts where “why” questions are too intrusive or simply disturbing. The art of dialogue is much more difficult to master than it seems in the first place.
I agree, there are times when its ok, but its more important to just be cognizant of why you’re asking a “why” question. This way, you’ll only use them when it actually makes sense.
I absolutely agree and identify with understand your goals and reason for asking the specific questions. Asking th right question, being specific and keeping it simple to understand it really an art. Sometimes it is also necessary to explain why you are asking that question so that the person answering it is also clear and thus more able to be specific in answering your question.
Indeed, Sathvik. Asking questions sincerely seeking is essential to realizing our unlimited potential. The fresh mind of a child enthusiastically asks questions because they sense their ‘unlimitedness’. Understanding that there is no such thing as a “stupid question” is marvelous secret to success. Always value realizing more and more of our unlimited nature over protecting our ego and trying to look good.
Indeed. Sometimes we do just need to let our “inner child” out for awhile, and see what happens =)
Sathvik,
You’ve made some excellent points here. I’ve come to learn the power of asking the right questions only recently in my life. Five years ago I wouldn’t have been ready for this article, but as I’ve grown and taken responsibility for my life and for creating it – I see the value in asking the right questions. Being specific with our questions and understanding the reason we’re asking a question takes some self-reflection which requires a certain level of maturity. Like anything in our growth we open up a bit more each day, each year, and each decade.
That’s outstanding! It’s wonderful to hear about personal growth like this, and your willingness to admit struggles in the past. Best of luck going forward!
Thanks for your words Sathvik. A lot of food for thought. I also want to thank Rob for his comment. I’m a bit technologically challenged, or computer challenged, and sometimes asking a stupid question is by far the wisest course. How else can I stop being computer stupid?
Definitely. The “stupid questions” aren’t stupid if they help you learn. Period.
You make some great points in this article. When we don’t ask the “right” questions, we end up wasting a lot of time. It is so frustrating to listen to a person go on and on while giving you a bullsh!t answer. However, the truth is the quality of the answer often indicates the quality of the question.
Indeed, and sometimes, it’s ok to say something like “I’m sorry I miscommunicated earlier, here’s what I actually meant to ask…” in order to push the conversation back in the right direction =)
There is so much value in this information that you share. I am grateful.
In asking the ‘right ‘ questions, as this is not a new idea to me, the
concept is a mental exercise that is uncomfortable at times because
of the ingrained patterning. Discovering those questions is both
refreshing and delightful when an open question just slides in.
Just as there are charts with words that column examples of
empowering vs. draining to train the mind, I wonder if it could be
helpful to have such a chart to awaken the ability to form such
questions? Is the fruit of the exercise to find them within?
I’ve never created a chart, but that’s an interesting idea! If you come up with something, I’d love to share it on my blog.
Right Question- Half of the answer!!
Thanks for sharing..:)
Regards
D
Hi, Vik
Please never mind the belated post comment on this particular article..
In my culture (i.e. one of the African culture), there is a proverb that says;”It is not stupid/foolish to ask” and it continues..”If I cannot see something, it does not mean I don’t have eyes”..Get my drift?? In spite of this, I concur with the statement/advise that..Ask the Right Questions, after all is the right thing to do ( more like win-win dialogue–economizing dialogue)..
Hare Krishna,
You are right about the correct questions to be asked. But, i was surprised when you put the question, ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ in questions which were vague. Actually, that question is extremely meaningful and if one doesn’t ask that question, he or she might end up doing what the 99% of the population do. Wondering what is that? eating, sleeping, mating and defending. So, there are answers to these great questions and some more fundamentally important questions for us to lead a meaningful life, questions such as, Who am i? What is real success? Why am i suffering, when all i want is happiness?
There are answers to all these questions by an authority. If interested, i can give you a priceless wisdom literature, which will answer all these questions and make your life sublime.
Haribol,
Arun Ramakrishnan.