About Steven AitchisonMastering our emotions is an integral part of self growth and something we can all learn to do. A lot of us believe or have believed that we are not in control of our emotions at all, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’d like to show you ‘The Stairway to Emotional Mastery’. It’s a step by step plan in mastering your emotions and it looks like this:
Stairway to Emotional Mastery
Step 1 – Recognize
The first step is to recognise your emotion, this might seem ambiguous but basically what I’m talking about here if you feel angry at something , say you’re in the car and someone cuts in front of you and you start to shout some choice expletives, recognise that you feel anger or at least that the act of someone cutting in front of you has caused you to feel an emotion of some kind.
Step 2 – Name your emotion
The second step is to name your emotion. That’s what we are speaking about in the previous example, if someone has cut in front of you, name that particular emotion as anger, label it if you can, as soon as it arises and you can begin to analyse it.
Step 3 – Accept responsibility
The third step is to accept responsibility for that emotion. That might be one of the hardest steps you attempt, because you may deflect i.e. ‘well the guy ‘cut in front of me, it’s his fault’ but it’s you who has chosen to feel that particular emotion; anger.
You are allowing others to control you, they are taking your power away from you and actually controlling you. What you are really saying when you are blaming the other person is that they have got the power to make you feel a certain way. So take responsibility for all your emotions and be accountable for your emotions. When you do this your emotions will begin to change because you are taking responsibility for them.
Step 4 – Find another meaning
The fourth step to emotional mastery is find another possible meaning.
I’ll give you an example here, if you have children you will realise what I’m talking about here.
When you tell your child to do something, maybe three or four times and they still don’t do it you might get angry and perhaps start shouting at them and start to feel really angry. In the past I’d get up and start shouting to get them to listen to me, feeling frustrated etc but when I asked myself why I’m really feeling angry, and questioned if indeed it was anger or another emotion. When I looked at it deep down I’m feeling disrespected, that was the emotion not the anger that’s coming to the front. The feeling of being disrespected is manifested as anger.
You might find another emotion that’s really coming up when you feel the emotion of anger it may be another emotion deep down, once you identify it you can look at it and then you can rename it and work on it if appropriate.
Step 5 – Accepting your emotions
Step five to emotional mastery is accepting your emotions. Whatever you feel in life it’s never wrong, if you feel a particular emotion, it may be wrong to take action on the particular emotion but your feelings are purposeful.
The emotion is a message from you mind to your body, or spirit, telling you to pay attention to something. So from that emotions are never wrong but the action maybe wrong. If you are feeling angry about something that’s a message just to say listen I have to look at this and you can then explore why you are feeling angry. You have to look at the way you are going about things because anger is the response to previous past experiences which can then be examined and changed if need be.
Step 6 – Does the emotion teach you
The sixth step is asking yourself does the emotion teach you something. Now again an example may be if you were walking down an empty street and you feel a bit nervous or uneasy and you start to feel fearful. You have to ask is the emotion teaching you to feel fearful or is it teaching you to be more aware of your surroundings or is the emotion teaching you to say ‘I’m ok we’re in a well light area there are a lot of people round about, there are shops, CCTV cameras, there’s a police car over there’ its teaching you to be more aware of that particular moment in time as well. So look at what your emotions can be teaching you, it might be another message but to teach you something about yourself and about the world round about you.
Step 7 – Change your emotion
The seventh and last step is to change your emotion, if you have an emotion that is working against you, say for example you are going into exams and you are becoming really anxious and nervous and this is preventing you from concentrating on the exam and this is perpetuating your anxiety, even though you have studied for that last 4 or 5 weeks. To change you emotion you are going to get into a different state of mind. The idea is that you have to remember an event from the past i.e. taking an exam in the past which you have been able to achieve a pass. So you remember how you felt when you came out of that exam, the feelings may have been; relief, confidence etc. So the plan is to get into a different state by thinking about a positive similar experience.
So for example when speaking about exams you return to when you passed an exam in the past. How did you feel and get into that state of mind, you are changing you emotion from one of anxiety to one of calmness before you go into the examination area.
So changing your state can actually change your emotion. So you are walking into the event armed with the past experience which has resulted in you being more rational and calmer about what you are about to go through. Ultimately you have elicited the state of calmness.
Conclusion
We can all learn to master our emotions and the steps above will put you well on your way to doing this. Learning to listen to yourself and questioning yourself is not an easy task to do as it takes discipline and control.
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Hi Steve, It is very important to recognise and name our emotions to start with like you say. It is our reaction that is important, not the event. I find listening to my emotions very useful in the process of self discovery. Ultimately , the goal of emotional mastery for me, is to find peace in all situations, or atleast get to be as close to it as possible. As the quote goes, to be like the lilies of the water and the birds of the sky, in it but not of it.
Also, I also like to think of others reactions or emotional responses as mirrors. So if I am feeling disrespected is it because, ‘I need to respect myself’ or ‘I need to respect others’. .Often what the world shows us, is a reflection of us. Once we deal with it, find our peace and completeness, slowly things fall into place. Well, that my attempt right now. Hard, but its a very gratifying way
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Hi Uzma. I love what you said about what the world shows us is a reflection of ourselves. Thanks for your gerat comment.
Hi Steven
I liked this post! Point 3 about “accepting responsibility” definitely hit home with me. I don’t get angry very often but when I do I tend to “hang on to it”, I sometimes remember being a child, standing alongside another kid in front of the teacher saying “its not fair – HE started it !” Its that kind of feeling. As an adult (and a parent) I suspect I need a better response
Thanks for some practical steps to diffuse these useless feelings.
Gareth
Hi Gareth, thanks for your comment. I don’t think it’s a good idea to carry these responses over into adulthood
Steve: Great information. I really liked how you laid out those steps, it made everything so clear. We really do have control of how we respond to situations and sometimes it is easy to overlook that. However, if we have a consistent approach we can apply, like the one you described, situations will never be able to overtake us from an emotional standpoint. Great post. Thanks for making it so nice and clear.
Hi Sibyl, thanks for your comments. I am not always in control of my emotions but I find this really useful to think about when, on the odd occasion, that I lose it, so I manage to keep around 80% of my emotions in check.
Hi Steve,
This is a very useful guide on an important topic – thanks for putting it out there.
Sometimes emotions can be very challenging for people because they are afraid of the pain they will feel if they move their attention into it. Yet, getting familiar with the direct experience of the emotion is the only way to be free of its power. I have found it essential to bring a great deal of tenderness and compassion to this process, to be gentle with ourselves when the emotions are painful.
Hi Gail, nice to see you here at CYT again. I think you’ve added a great point to the discussion in that it’s important to be kind to ourselves when going through painful emotions, thanks Gail.
Great steps Steve. I love it when processes are broken down into component parts like this. It turns a complex concept like Emotional Mastery and makes it feel doable.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills recently posted..An Indirect Approach to Happiness
Hey Jonathan, I still say your book at http://www.advancedlifeskills.com/ is the best place to learn to deal with emotions. I recently realised that I am systems guy and like to see how all the component parts work together and sometimes can’t see the big picture until I can see all the smaller parts working together. Thanks for your comment Jonathan, always appreciated.
HI Steven,
Emotional Mastery sound like such a hefty task to take on, when in reality it can be quite simple. And you have so beautifully simplified it and shown the steps to be so practical. Thank you for that
By the way…..notice anything different about my domain ?
Much Love,
Z~
Hi Zeenat, thanks for your comment on this. It is a hefty task to take on but we have a lifetime to master it
You have your won domain name, excellent. Remember and put a 301 redirect on your old site. Dragos Roua is the master at that, so I would send him an email about it or google it.
Dear Steve,
Yes, it is very difficult to own up to the emotion…this is my anger! We all do tend to pass it on to the other side…you made me angry! The moment we accept responsibility, it doesn’t matter who started it all…isn’t it us you is getting affected?
A nice article. I love all your posts here and do make it a point to read all of them.
Hi Naresh, thanks for your comments on this and I am glad you like the posts on the blog.
Very nice and helpful tips! Really enjoying them! Thanks for sharing, Steven!
Hi Roman, thanks for your comments, much appreciated as always.
this is a good post, step 3 in particular, i like how its this possible to control ones emotions…
please keep it up.
Hi Kyalo, thanks for your comments, much appreciated.
Thanks for sharing Steven – I love step 7, it’s been particularly helpful for me when I need motivation.
You can use it slightly in reverse too. For example – if you know you struggle to stick to an exercise routine. Next time you exercise make a point to remember a particular great feeling associated with the activity – like the energy it gave you afterward, or the sheer relief that it’s over
. Then ‘bottle’ up that great feeling.
The point being that next time you’re about to talk yourself out of doing exercises, all you have to do is focus on the ‘bottled’ emotion and let it carry you over the start of the workout.
Also – I agree completely with step 1. In fact change/mastery of anything is not possible without awareness.
Hi Anita, thanks for sharing your tip about exercising. I think we can use this technique on almost anything if we really put our minds to it.
Nice analysis, Steve. You do a great job of breaking it down clearly and concisely. Becoming detached from the “jumping monkey” nature of mind need not be an abstract concept for the select few. This is a great example of what I like to call spiritual common sense.
Hi Rob. ‘spiritual common sense’, I like that
Thanks for your comments, always insightful.
Hi Steven,
I like the first step of recognising – sometimes easier said than done, especially if we are in a very emotional state, upset, angry, confused, fed up……it can be difficult to work out exactly how we feel. But stepping back and trying to work this out gives us a little distance and clarity and makes it easier to deal with ‘stuff’
Hi Kate, you are right, it is easier said than done, the more we practice something the easier it becomes and I must say it can become an automatic response to emotions once we have mastered it.
Steve, thanks for sharing some invaluable insights on how to build emotional intelligence. Emotions can be powerful aids, or they can work against us. The most important thing, as you said, is to acknowledge and accept, but also realize that we have ownership and control of how we respond to those emotions. Thanks for the practical tips on redirecting the emotions if needed.
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Hi Steve thanks for your comments on this I really appreciate them as always.
Very good Steven. I like the steps, however, in number 2 I wonder how we do this when there are more than one emotion at play.
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Hi Colleen. I think it might be easier than you think to name more than one emotion for example I dropped my sons off at the train station the other day for a trip they were going on. It was the first time they had been on a long train journey themselves and as I left the platform I felt pride, sadness, and happiness, very strange feeling but I was able separate them. I have to say we really only feel one emotion at a time, albeit we can feel a lot of emotions in a short space of time, but in any one moment we can feel only one emotion.
Hi! I linked to this post on my site because I’ve been writing about similar topics. I agree that we should accept responsibility for our emotions, but for someone with a disorder such as PTSD or who is having a depressive episode, they’re not able to control their emotions so easily. I do think you have given some wonderful advice, especially about learning from your emotions. What would you say to a person with a mental illness about handling emotion? Would you modify your steps?
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Hi Emily, you’re absolutely right about not being able to control them quite as easily, as the motivation to do so is not as strong. I think the steps would be the same for someone with a mental illness. If I say to you I don’t have a mental illness then it means I am comparing myself to someone who does have a mental illness, when someone says to me they have a mental illness then it means they are comparing themselves to someone like me who doesn’t have a mental illness, which means we all have a mental illness to a greater or lesser degree, so there’s no need to have different sets of steps.
Eu gosto muito do seu blog. Aprendo muito com ele. Essas dicas para dominar as emoções são muito boas. Quando eu tenho emoções negativas sempre procuro mudar para emoções positivas. As vezes é um pouco difícil mas colocando essas dicas em prática no nosso dia a dia fica fácil conduzi-las. Obrigado!
Oi Lucas, obrigado por seus comentários que eu realmente aprecio isso.
Steven,
When my emotions are out of control my personal journal never fails me. I find this to be very thorough. Thanks and have a great week!
Hi Tess, thanks for a great tip on keeping our emotions in check or at least acknowledging them.
I was brought up in UK and the popular wisdom is a true Brit doesn’t show emotion, he keeps a stiff upper lip. I don’t know if this is generally true but it was true for me, grew up kind of numb because I repressed uncomfortable feelings.
It’s like bringing down the Berlin Wall when you take down the dam and let life move, and sometimes what comes up isn’t comfortable at all. But as you so clearly point out there is no need to fear the emotional storms that arise in life. Face it and accept it and you make an extraordinary discovery — that at the core of yourself you’re not involved; there’s just a beautiful calm there..
Thank you again Steve.
Christopher Foster recently posted..Is happiness looking for you
Hi Christopher, thanks for a great analogy in the Berlin Wall. Thanks for your comments, always look forward to them.
Steve!
thank you for your clarity and the redirection! when you put it down that way it makes it alot easier to look down the road!hey i think i see where Im going now!
Dina Ruth
Great article! I think one of the hardest things in life is being able to asses yourself and understand your own behaviour or emotions. I think your 7 steps nail the process.
So according to what I have read here, it is not okay to blame everyone else for my emotional issues and problems. Man, that is a hard pill to swallow. I like not taking personal responsibility for my actions.
I usually just base my emotions off of the weather. No, but these are some excellent tips to take on a very challenging task. If you can manage your emotions appropriately it will give you a greater opportunity to be a positive influence to others with your actions.
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Hi Steven,
I find advice about living with our emotions, rather than mastering them, really uncomfortable, so I’m glad to see a confident defense of emotional mastery!
I personally think that it’s sometimes better to work on our thoughts and beliefs, rather than deal directly with the emotions.
For example, when my kids are being noisy or careless, I get angry at them, because I have the (false) expectation that they should behave as adults, when they’re only four year olds, with less emotional mastery and mental development than adults!
Reminding myself that they are children, and will behave as such, helps me change perspective, and have greater control over my emotions.
Widening my awareness, and taking relevant facts into consideration, can be enormously useful in achieving emotional mastery.
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Well written great advice.
Learning to master your emotions allows for many positive benefits and creates a lot of potential for further personal development.
Great post.
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The bottom line is and other will agree is that there are certain things you can say to handle an emotional situation that you are prepared for in a way that could benefit you, however, to try and change if you are an emotional person is like making a person who wears a size 10 shoe, wear a size 6. It’s inbred and part of your genes. It’s nature. Strategies for dealing with emotions are helpful but to try and keep emotions completely under control is not happening.
Hi Patricia, I’d have to disagree with you here. I don’t believe it is inbred I believe it’s the way we have been brought up (nature vs nurture debate and all that). Someone told me last week that they cry at sad movies a lot and said it was just the way they were, I said she allowed herself to cry at movies as an emotional release, it’s a choice – I am sure if I said to her I will give you $100,000 if you watch this movie and do not cry at it, she wouldn’t cry. Just my thoughts
This is a fantastic post!
It is really true that we do not have to let our emotions control us. As a college student I was shocked when some friends would tell their young children that they needed to “get happy”. I had no concept (at that time) of being able to control your emotions, I thought that my friends were expecting the impossible from their children.
Thankfully I have learned much in that area in the last ten years and I have been teaching my own son to “get happy” and I am amazed at how well he can handle his emotions at hearing that phrase! At the age of three he has a better handle on it than I do! What a gift I’ve given him! Now to work on myself some more…
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