Eye Contact: Why Is It So Important?
Have you ever spoken to someone and they seemed to shift uncomfortably, looking at their shoes and failing to make eye contact with you? They maybe look you in the eye then immediately dart away looking at their shoes again.
For the more adept among us that type of behaviour is a bit odd.
If you know what I am talking about by avoiding eye contact with others, you'll know just how debilitating it can be when communicating with others.
Eye contact is important as it conveys an inner confidence. However, the trick to eye contact is making it a subconscious behaviour. If you become aware that you're not making enough eye contact or you're making too much, you become self conscious and that weird behaviour kicks in; you stare at one eye too long, making the speaker feel self conscious, you might stare at the chin too long if you are using a triangular approach to eye contact.
The truth is mastering the art of eye contact is not as easy as you might think.
You might think it's just a matter of looking people in the eye when you are talking and looking at people when you are talking, it's not that simple.
Eye Contact Exercise
To find out just how comfortable you feel with eye contact I am going to show you a video of someone who is just looking at the camera.
Look at this person as if you were talking to one of your friends and feel how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with making eye contact.
How did you get on?
Did you feel self conscious? Did you feel you couldn't look her in the eyes? did you find yourself laughing nervously? Did you feel attracted to her?
It's important to know what you feel like when making eye contact in order to become better at it.
Eye Contact in Infants
A 2019 study, looking at the affects of eye contact in babies from 9-10 months old, found eye contact led to an elevation in the infants' heart rates (HRs) and that HR during eye contact was predictive of later gaze following. Furthermore, increases in HR predicted gaze following whether it was accompanied by communicative cues or not. These findings suggest that infant gaze following behaviour is associated with both communicative cues and physiological arousal. (( Ishikawa Mitsuhiko, Itakura Shoji 2019 Physiological arousal predicts gaze following in infants Proc. R. Soc. B.28620182746 http://doi.org/10.1098/rspb.2018.2746))
Unlike adults, who mostly know instinctively to break eye contact to help concentrate on what they’re saying, children will tend to maintain gaze even when asked a difficult question. Developmental psychologists have shown that children can benefit from being trained to avert their gaze to help them think things through more clearly. (( https://digest.bps.org.uk/2006/01/05/helping-children-by-teaching-them-to-look-away/))
Eye contact is deeply rooted in our DNA and can help in every area of our lives, from the partners we choose, the jobs we have to the friends we have. You are reading this article just now as your parents had some flirty eye contact that led to one thing that led to you being here nine months later.
Eye contact provides social information to the person you are listening to and talking to. Too much eye contact and you could be seen as aggressive, too little eye contact and you can be seen as having no interest in the person speaking. It is an often overlooked skill to have and an under utilised skill when communicating with people. You can see masters of eye contact in great sales persons, politicians, and good public speakers, and of course when you're naturally attracted to someone.
I realised the importance of eye contact when I was counseling people face to face. I noticed when I broke eye contact the person would stop speaking. When I maintained eye contact the person would continue talking knowing that I was interested in what they had to say.
Research shows that "gaze functions to provide information, regulate interaction, express intimacy, exercise social control, and facilitate service and task goals." (( Kleinke, C. L. (1986). Gaze and eye contact: A research review. Psychological Bulletin, 100(1), 78–100. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.100.1.78 ))
Your Eyes Will Give Away What You Are Thinking
Your eyes can tell a lot about you and tell others even more simply by the way you use them. Eye communication is a great skill to have and eye contact is a great tool to master. We all use it and we all give away vital clues as to what we are thinking with our eyes.
References are made to our eyes in everyday conversation such as 'she has bedroom eyes', 'don't give me those puppy dog eyes', 'giving me the evil eye' and many more such phrases.
If you can learn the skill of reading eye signals and mastering the art of using eye contact it can make a huge difference in your personal and business life.
The Pupils
Your pupils and the size of them will give away a lot of secrets, and it's something we can't do much about. The pupils will either constrict or dilate depending on our state of mind. If we are aroused by something, or someone, our pupils will dilate and if we are turned off by something or someone our pupils will constrict.
Skilled street traders across the world look for the size of the pupils when bartering with their customers. If a customer sees an object and their pupils are fully dilated, then the trader knows they can keep the price of the item at the higher end.
When we are excited by someone we like, our pupils will dilate, and when we are in the company of someone we don't like, our pupils will constrict.
Take a look at these two photos. Which one do you prefer?
The first photo shows the pupils constricted and the second photo shows the pupils dilated. The one with the pupils dilated would normally be the one that people picked, as it is more seductive and deemed more attractive when the pupils are dilated.
Next time you are talking to someone pay attention to the size of their pupils, don't go right up to their face and make a nuisance of yourself, but just casually watch the size of their pupils. This will tell you what excites them when they are talking, it might also tell you if they like you or not as we can rarely hide our emotions with our eyes.
Different Types of Eyes
Wandering Eyes
Have you ever noticed when you are talking to someone that their eyes are looking everywhere and not at you. This in itself is an obvious sign of distraction or boredom however, it also means that the person is looking for a way to get out of your space. Looking out a window when someone is talking to you could mean they would rather be outside.
If you do this, be careful of the signals you are giving to the other person, unless you specifically want them to know you don't want to be with them.
The Angry Eyes
When we are angry our eyes become narrower, brows are furrowed and our pupils constrict. It's quite easy to tell if someone is angry when they have all of the above. what if they don't show the above body language signals? Well, we have to look for other body language clues such as constriction of the lips, flared nostrils, staring, clenching of the jaw etc.
When you are speaking to someone who is displaying signs of anger you can either back down or stand up for yourself, depending on what the situation warrants.
If you stand up for yourself you should be holding eye gaze and not break it. This shows the other person that you are not intimidated by them. If you are the one to break eye contact in a heated argument you have all but lost the argument.
The Seductive Eyes
It's quite easy to tell if someone likes us by the size of their pupils. In a well lit room, if you are speaking to someone face to face you can see the size of the other person pupils. If the eyes start to dilate they are interested in what you have to say or they find you attractive.
However, this is not so true in a darkened room like a nightclub as the size of our pupils will dilate to let more light in, in order to see better in the darkened room. So be careful to read the signals correctly before making a fool of yourself.
There are other ways to seduce someone with your eyes. The classic Lady Diana look with her head down and eyes looking up was one of the reasons so many people warmed to her. This type of look makes the observer feel more maternal or paternal and also brings out the protector in men which made Lady Di more attractive.
Your Gaze
When we are talking to our friends and in social situations, and are looking and talking with another person for some time we unconsciously gaze at the persons face in a controlled manner. However, if we have lost confidence or we are not yet socially adept we can lose this ability. Here is a quick guide on where to focus your gaze when talking to someone.
Social Gazing
When you are speaking in a social setting you don't want to stare into someone's eyes as this is a bit strange for someone to do, and a bit off-putting for the talker. To get over this, use a triangle approach. First look at one eye of the talker, then look at their mouth, briefly, and then move onto their other eye. This shows you are still interested in what they have to say as you have not looked away from their face.
The Flirty Gaze
When we flirt with each other the eyes still move in a triangular way but with more range, downwards. I know the women reading this will have experienced men who think you are talking from your breasts, which is quite disconcerting, and I'll explain a possible reason for this, apart from the obvious. However, we all do it, men and women, only women are better at it.