About Steven Aitchison
10 traits to lose friends and
lovers
I think of myself
as a fairly pleasant person who is kind of laid back and likes most people. I have
been teaching my sons, which is an ongoing process, about potentially harmful
traits. As children we all learn our personality from the feedback we
get from those around us, if we lie and get a lot of attention for it we will
continue to lie. If we are rude and get a reputation for it we will continue
to be rude.
I have looked at some traits
that I dislike in other people and hopefully am teaching my sons to avoid. I
think if people could rid themselves of the following traits the World might
be a better place.
The ten most hated traits
-
Arrogant– (Meaning
= unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are more important than, or
know more than, other people).
We’ve all come across
people like this. When I think of the arrogant people I have met it seems
to be mainly men that display this trait. I have also noticed that it
seems to be a class trait i.e. people who are in the ‘upper class’ can
be arrogant with the ‘lower classes’ (yes the class system
is still very much embedded in UK culture). -
Rudeness – (Meaning
= not polite; offensive or embarrassing)When I think of people who are
rude I tend to think of shop sales assistants. I know in America they
are much more customer focused but in the UK customer service in shops can
be terrible. It’s especially annoying when someone is serving you
and they are talking to their friend about what happened last night. -
Domineering – (Meaning
= inclined to rule arbitrarily or despotically; overbearing; tyrannical:
domineering parents.People who try to control others
are not a good trait at all. Again this can often be seen in the office
and at home. It is a form of abuse and can be hard to spot sometimes. Of
course some people like to be dominated (stop that!!) but that is a choice,
which is different altogether. -
Dishonesty – (Meaning
= not honest)The trait that I abhor the most
in people! Everybody lies whether it be a white lie or a big ‘honestly
I didn’t kill him’ lie. However when someone lies constantly
it is very irritating and annoying especially after you have pointed out that
you know they are lying and they continue with it. I am teaching my
boys that honesty is always always always the best way even if it feels difficult. If
you are honest all the time it will lead to people trusting you more and
valuing your opinion more. -
Temperamental – (Meaning = describes
someone whose mood tends to change very suddenly)Sorry ladies, but I have
found the most temperamental people tend to be female, especially if you’ve
ever worked in an office. I don’t know if it’s the office
air or sick building syndrome but people change as soon as they enter their
office of work. I have seen me standing chatting to someone outside and
then when I see them again in the office their eyes have turned blood red,
little horns have sprouted from their heads and they talk like they’ve
just smoked 100 cigarettes “ what the F%*& are you talking to me
for”, at that point I’m outta there. -
Conceited – (Meaning
= Holding a high opinion of yourself)Much like arrogance and just
as annoying. It great to have a good opinion of yourself but when
it is displayed to others in a manner as to make others feel small it can
be very unpleasant. -
Unreliable – (Meaning
= cannot be relied or depended upon)Another trait that can extremely
annoying. Again we’ve all come across people like this at work,
at school, at university, in fact every area of life. We also know, very
quickly, not to rely on that person for anything. When reliability
is not there we tend to think they have other traits related to this such
as lazy, disorganised, selfish etc. -
Dependent – (Meaning
= relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc).I am talking
here about people who are overly dependent especially in relationships. There
is no bigger turn off for a person than the man or woman who seems to depend
on your relationship to survive. -
Pessimism –(Meaning
= the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable
outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc)How to lose friends quickly
= be pessimistic all the time. It’s quite funny when you get the
grumpy guy in the office who moans about everything but deep down you know
he likes the world. However when you get the person who moans about
their job, their house, their life, their children, the world and are serious
about it– how quickly do you run away from them? It can be
very draining being around people like this they literally sap your energy. -
Condescending – (Meaning
= showing or implying a usually patronizing descent from dignity or superiority).This
is another trait which riles me. Of course this is open to interpretation
in many cases. On
a few occasions I have asked people if they are meaning to sound condescending
and often they are embarrassed and explain that it was not their intention,
so it can be a tricky one.
Conclusion
Do you recognise yourself in
the list above? If you do it is easy to rid yourself of these traits. The
main trick is to recognise it when it happens. As soon as you recognise
you can change you. For the next few days be aware of how you interact
with people around you, listen to your language, be aware of what you do
when you are listening, and be aware of what you do when you are talking.
Next week I
will talk about deleting old traits and installing new traits. Sounds
simple when you put it like that but it really is simple to install a new trait.
Why don’t
you leave a comment and tell me what traits you hate.
Subscribe to CYT and
receive a FREE copy of
Volumes 1 & 2 of
The Best of CYT
Great list Steven!. I think these really are the top 10 if you want to be hated lol.
hi. i have read many topics in this site. They are really very nice. Yours way to express urs thoughts is very kool. I never prefer to see any blogger web site. but first time i am preferring to see any website.
i dont know what i should say more but one thing definatelly want say thanx Steven for every single words.
I apologize if there is any english mistake
Regards
Irfan from Pakistan
Hi Alan, thanks for your comments and for visiting, much appreciated.
Hi Ifran, I understand your English perfectly. Thanks for your kind words and thanks for taking the time to write.
thx alot brother……..i am a muslim girl from dubai…i always thought i have thses prolem in me dat sum ppl very close to my hreat usually ignore me….now i came to knw dey didnot want to show they r less dan me…..i am from dubai and they r from a small village i was never arroagnt or self pride..but didnot knw wht dey did like dis…they were even rude wid me…anyway ur article hepld me alot frm depression
Aha ! Explains why I have no friends.
heya, iv been looking at your website and i think its extremely interesting, you make some really good points and are very helpful. thank you for making it!
im happy to say that im lucky enough not to possess any (or at least not all lol) of the traits above… but thats open to question!
basically, i would say that im a fairly descent persom, but what i was wondering is, well even though im descent person i can be a bit shy at times, and i feel sometimes as if im overshadowed by my friends. theyr lovely lovely people and seem to be good at engaging people and getting to know them. its a hard question to ask, but how could i have more success. i try to pretend to be confident so il give anything i try and im really hopinf for the best but i thought there would be no harm in asking
again, thankyou!
Judgementalism: given to making moral judgements about other people’s behaviour. This can be extremely annoying, especially in circumstances like the internet when a large part of a person’s meaning and demeanour, being inherent more in body language and tone of voice, simply is not visible. People from different parts of the world, where the language has evolved in a divergent manner, may find different phrases have a different ‘flavour’ to them. Thus someone speaking from, say, America may say something that in their own area is quite fashionable and innoccuous, but may come across to (for example) a Canadian as being arrogant, rude or with any number of other disagreeable qualities simply through lack of familiarity with cultural or dialectual turns of phrase.
This brings an interesting point on the subject of condescension and arrogance. Many people are socially conditioned by their upbringing, the media and so forth to find certain tones of voice arrogant or condescending, whether it is intended or not. A strong upper-class accent may get you labelled with either of these unpleasant characteristics regardless of what you say. You could be all compliments and smiles, but if you sound like P.G. Wodehouse and you’re talking to the binman, it might not necessarily make any difference whatsoever. The kneejerk response is to assume that the tone of voice is a choice made by the speaker, rather than the way in which he was brought up to talk. The same often goes for the choice of words.
Naturally there are arrogant and condescending people out there, but an awful lot of people make their judgements based on how people look and how they sound, rather than on what they say, what they do and the ever-invisible factor, what they really mean.
Ash
Loved the list….Do you think some traits can be ignored if there are enough overpowering good traits ? for example i am domineering/ controlling with my husband, i dont even really know why but i feel i make up for it by being so kind and generouse in every other aspect, almost as though “if you do as i say i will give u a wonderful life” !!! ps i would never admit this to him or anyone i knew, id love to get some thoughts on it though…ps we have a very happy marriage of 11 years x
I am not fond of people who are arrogant, I hate people who are over-confident know-alls, this can be interpreted in two different ways. There those people who are know-alls but do actually know about a certain subject, and then there all know-alls who ramble on but actually know sweet FA about what their talking about. I am not particularly fond of people who are bossy and domineering either.
I do not think that “it” (condescention) is only heard. When you look at an expression, posture, tone as mentioned. It all adds up. I do not think this can be blamed on class, social status, or upbringing. Some of the dearest people I have had the pleasure of knowing have been from long-standing wealth. Yet, these folks were genuine and sincere. Never a pursed lip, or a Thurston Howell the III aura.
I have to work hard to overcome pessimism … that’s one of the toughest on your list for me.
I Think we all have a bit of all ten traits at times. I know I certainly do, Could you do a list of ten ways of avoiding trying to be nice or nasty, and becoming absolutly genuine, weather your audience likes it or not.
Hello,
I’ve been feeling like this for years – I think I have all the negative features that you have listed.
The result is that I am completely alone.
How do I start?
Great site! I have been faced with this dilemma alot recently, and as a humble and relatively reserved musician, it is often almost stifling to me when I encounter these types of people. In a world ruled by what I like to call ‘the hype’, or the power of self promotion, I suppose it is truly hard not to see this behavior as being the condition for ‘success’. What I’ve also recognized is that, for whatever reason, these attributes are intimidating and that’s the dividing factor between success and failure for most of us. I also believe that this is why incompetent people get ahead sometimes, because they adopt an attitude of superiority, which is in turn recognized by thier incompetent superiors as equitable and correct, even though it is merely a tool used by the weak to gain control or favor even when they are less than competent at thier jobs. But some people will do anything to keep control or to get ‘attention’ at the cost of others.
no 1 for me would be, cruelty, ie deliberately trying to hurt others just for pleasure; no 2, callousness towards those who suffer; no 3, lack of concern and empathy in relating to others. Nothing to me seems more intolerable than nasty or sadistic people, unless it’s cold people who at times can seem even worse, maybe (asking myself why here), cos if someone is nasty to others, at least there’s a chance they might favour you as an exception, whereas cold people make the whole atmosphere seem even more unsafe. Judgementalism, I agree with the person above, is also very off-putting and alienating.
I don’t think dependency is always off-putting – that seems a bit like love – irritating if coming from someone you don’t want to be close to, but otherwise, can’t see it would always be a problem.
hahaha I FOLLOWED EVERYTHING YOU SAID FOR A WEEK ( WAS MEANT TO BE A MONTH) UNTIL MY FRIENDS CAUGHT ME OUT SAYING “THIS ISNT YOU, I BET YOURE DOING IT ON PURPOSE FOR SOME REASON”
Jealousy tops all these awful traits. Especially when you have constantly received it all your life from a close family member. At 38 I am at last learning how to ignore other peoples bad vibes and nasty intentions. You certainly become wise as you get older. People don’t generally talk about bad traits and usually deny having them. They should be talked about from an early age as part of life skills if you know what i mean. People who are the most succesful in life are not jealous bitter greedy people. Its never too late to change if you have bad traits or to learn to deal with other peoples bad traits.
I work with someone with nearly all of those traits. They drive the rest of the team mad.
The thing that bothers me would have to be someone who is arrogant/conceited/condescending..the whole list is right in its wrongness (the bad traits), I would need to change like 2 things listed- honesty and unreliability…
Thanks i lie alot and now i know how to change that! I hate it when people are hippicritical and boastfull.
Omg! I have all of these traits!
Hello Steven thanks for explaining negative traits. I am pursuing my MBA in VIT University, Vellore, India and i have a subject called Organizational Behavior for which i am preparing PPT presentation (only for Personality). The above traits are really helpful for me to give seminar.
When confronted with arrogant, rude people, I become condesending and proud. When dealing with obnoxious know-it-all crudites, I become a bored sarcastic snob. When I’m forced to work with or for domineering asses, I am forced to put on my aristocratic armor, which fends off their arrows of verbal abuse. Unfortunately for me, my parents and siblings all display all 10 of these ugly personality disorders!!! Which is why I rarely visit them ;-( We can choose our friends, but not our family…
Thank you very much Stephen, the traits as explained by you are very frightening, especially since in recent casual conversations my tone was questioned. Today during a group exercise – I was told that I was domineering, hence the reasn why I found your sight because I am looking for help to change.
How do you get feedback on this site? Or is it just for sounding off? Regarding controlling/domineering, I end up with friends/spouse(s) with this trait because I am fearful of losing someone if I say “NO!” in so many words. All my friends are from years past and are far away. Can’t seem to find any new ones. I am pessimistic but try to be empathetic in conversations. But they do not reciprocate and are just interested in promoting their own egos or controlling me to do what they want to do without my input, resulting I in my getting angry or depressed. I no longer work so I rarely meet people like when I was young. My husband is my opposite but doesn’t attract any new friends because he is not empathetic at all. Result is frustration and loneliness.
I guess most people possess the top ten bad traits as listed by Steven rather than the good ones simply because most of us are not honest!!! Very few people are able to give a true and reliable account of themselves. A good example is confession of most rich and successful individuals who lie about their background or what really contributed to their status!!! Always tells the interesting and positive stories!! Though difficult, people should strive to be honest!!
thanks………… it give me guidance
I recently realized i can describe my friend as arrogant now that i put a word on it i want to say that she has done wrong to many people without realizing its her that makes them leave, not them telling her she should change the way she acts making the other person the bad guy. I tried ignoring her after returning to the state and after she bugged me what was wrong i told her how i felt and she replied what do you want from me? I said for her to think about considering other people that care for her when she makes decisions…. anyways that same night she blogged to everyone that i tore her apart and blah blah blah now im the bad guy!!!! how do people do that? i dont understand what could happen to make people manipulate themselves and others into thinking something other than the truth? I have no idea what to do i lay awake thinking how bad i feel for being so outright but all i want to do is help her
what if your only 2 of those ten things will u still be hated lol
Aha, that explain why my husband has no friends.
I have experienced that all people that I have known (some I liked and others I didn’t so much) have all of these traits to some degree). I especially know that the person I know best does (me). And I like me, but I have a lot of work that must be done in order to improve. I know I will never reach perfection (not in this time zone- if you know what I mean).
But what difference does it make if all we want for ourselves and our children is to be liked?
The list has much truth in it, but it should not be our sole goal (wow, I made a rhyme). There are things bigger than us (although no more important and I hope you don’t think I contradicted myself). And this is what makes change important.
Try making a difference even if you are hated. Then you will really make a difference.
Its like you learn my thoughts! You appear to grasp a lot approximately this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you just can do with a few percent to pressure the message home a bit, however instead of that, this is magnificent blog. A great read. I’ll certainly be back.
I would proudly say that I have most of those traits -if not all.
And i heard it bare and flat: I am doing a magnificent job, then destroying it with such attitudes.
If I am attacked, I’m not political, I fire back, I retalliate, I complain, I condescend, temperamental, stuck-up, domnieering, very arrogant, and most definitely, paranoid.
A good friend told me that managers are avoiding working with me, or through me.
I am not saying they are angels, some of them are real jerks and evryone believes so, but, when all eyes are on you, there is no way but being of a better attitude.
Great eye-opener.
Cheers,
i just realised i can be arrogant and times and i just wanna know how do i get my best friend back and i need to know what ‘bitter personality’ means, cuz i was told i have a bitter personality. does anyone have any advice on how to get my best friend back bearing in mind she can be stubbon and she doesn’t like looseing.
I display 8 out of 10 of these traits
explains why i am like this
Im kinda consited,and i talk to much,i also am bossy
I will be a complete jerk to people who are a complete jerk to me. E.g. I was driving someone somewhere and he made the remark that Asians are bad drivers in conversation (I’m asian). I kicked him out of the car in the middle of the highway a few kilometers from the nearest public transport.