This is the fifth session of Ask The Coach. The main aim of this weekly session is to ask you, the reader, to ask a question to the coach by posting a comment on this post and each week myself and Ayo Olaniyan will attempt to help you by answering your question.
Question from Linda Answered by coach Ayo Olaniyan
Linda August 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm
When we experience something major in our life, what some may term as a crisis, then how do we learn completely so it is not necessary to repeat this in an endless cycle.
Thanks for posting your question on "˜Ask The Coach'. I would express my thoughts on your question to the best of my ability, but I must stress it's a bit vague so a lot of general knowledge will be applied.
The steps involved in resolving crisis/difficulties follow similar trends however the word crisis is relative because we have different tolerance levels. What may be seen as serious and worrying to you may easily be overlooked by another person. For example: If you owe 1000 pounds and is worried, someone else who owes 10000 pounds may show no signs of being worried. The underlying factor is, the processes of coming out of debt either big or small are the same.
My approach to a problem is to find resolutions, gather experience, build confidence, become smarter/wiser, hopefully this would equip you in dealing with future problems and help you handle or avoid similar difficulties.
Here are my suggestions:
Resolve your "what if's"
You are faced with many questions when experiencing difficulties such as, what if it gets worse. What if I never find an answer? What if I wasn't supposed to do this? What if I shouldn't be here? What if the problem repeats itself? What if I fail? What if I am not liked? These questions stem from the fear of the unknown. Make a decision today to deal with your "˜"˜what if's" and stay strong. The problem exists and worrying or dwelling on the "˜"˜what if's" won't get you anywhere.
Change is constant in life and you must be prepared to deal with the new experience (positive or negative) as it comes. It may set you back a bit but you have to make sure you move forward. This is where determination is needed to ensure you take that step.
You need to have alternatives and make sure every aspect of your life is treated and thought of, to the best of your ability. Having a back up plan is essential just in case things don't go as planned. This isn't pessimism but rather a case of getting prepared and making sure there are solutions to unplanned events.
The benefits of planning ahead shouldn't be overlooked and it is very effective when goals are combined with it. You might say, I see no sense in how planning affects my current situation, I just lost my job, the debt collection agencies are after me, my partner/spouse just left me, I don't have friends etc what do I plan for ?
The answer is "˜A LOT'. You need to make alternative plans in order to ensure the reasons why you fell into debt, lost your job/spouse don't happen again. They are painful or rather tough decisions but you must make them.
Is it worth the effort?
Some struggles you go through are either caused by bad judgements, mistakes and some are results of greed or being selfish. If it's not worth fighting for, you need to put an end to it immediately. Burdens would be easier if you knew why they existed and their level of importance. Can you get to a stage where you do away with them and still live a normal life? These questions are answered when you go back to the drawing board of your life. Your efforts and energy can be channelled to a more productive activity.
Exercise patience. Don't be hard on yourself. Being calm is a state of mind understanding the fact that although the pressures or conflicts are raging against you, it's important you always keep your thoughts together, rest well, eat well. Being patient prepares you for the appointed time, it allows you handle the situation with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists in any circumstance.
Problems throw you off balance bringing you to a point of uncertainty. Gain control of your emotions, stop complaining, or being fussy. As long as you are making efforts to resolve the issues and prepare ways for avoiding them in the future, it's only a matter of time.
Problems require clarity for resolution and this can't be achieved with you being hard on yourself or being occupied with too many thoughts on your mind. Many times you seem caught up in work, circumstances, the economy, your future ambitions or current failures, people etc. that you don't learn to APPRECIATE YOURSELF AND EXERCISE PATIENCE.
You need to cultivate the habit seeing a lot of good in yourself no matter the state you are in. There is usually a lot of good in you but it is often overshadowed by problems you face and being hard on yourself. If you think deeply, you will see positive sides to life.
Take things one step at a time. Crawl before you walk, walk before you run and run before you fly. Don't be in a rush, because frustration could set in while trying to resolve the problem and it could lead to depression.
Be strong and confident
Learning to handle difficulties in a matured manner equips you with the appropriate mindset to see things moving in a positive direction. You are able to deal with challenges this way because you refuse to allow pessimism cloud your thoughts. Being strong requires determination, decisiveness and the will power to keep your focus on the results you intend to achieve from resolving your personal difficulties.
"Experience is a great teacher". Let each positive or negative event mark a significant learning process in your life. Pick up precious nuggets of knowledge from these experiences. The sole purpose of every experience gained, is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.
Insecurity has no place in the game of life. I keep placing emphasis on accepting who you are. Learn to love/appreciate yourself, including your strengths and weakness. Being able to give little importance to yourself will enable you assess what you have, what you need to get and how to work hard achieving this.
Underestimating your capabilities will make you a pitiful, insecure individual.
Share your fears and Build Positive Relationships
Discuss your fears and worries with friends and family. In the context of friendship, if you've developed trust with certain individuals and isn't scared to discuss private matters with a fear of being judged or getting disappointed, go ahead. Sharing your experiences with a network of trusted friends could provide huge benefits, enhance your level of reasoning and expand your horizon. There are several approaches to resolving different issues and you can learn from the experience of others. I believe sound counsel could reduce stress levels and bring about happiness. Be around people you are accountable to, who won't be afraid to speak up when you are going down the route of disaster.
What's your next move?
Once you have recognised the root of the problems, formulate a plan of action which is the solution and stick to it!!! Carefully weigh each pros and cons. Remember to tread lightly, for one little mistake might bring you back to square one.
Optimism by definition is being positive about life. The glass is either half empty or half full. Drowning in difficulties creates a lot of negativity, because you think there is no end in sight. Learn to think positively but don't just stop there, TAKE ACTION.
Be optimistic that all events would create an experience which becomes very useful in the learning process of life.
Take positive steps to bring about the desired outcome.
REMEMBER: YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!
I look forward to hearing from you.