A wise man once said, "You don't need friends, duh."
WHY DO YOU NEED FRIENDS?
Apparently, you're doing an amazing job on your own. You don't have to share your time with anyone. You can binge watch an entire series without having nobody to disturb you when you get bored of it. You can eat an entire rice bowl on your own, without worrying about letting your friend have a morsel out of it. Because you don't have any friends, that's why!
Let's admit it, friends occupy space. And with your entire room empty, you don't want them to take up even a small part of it. That's just as logical as it can be, right?
There are some reasons which truly highlight the universal truth why you shouldn't have any friends, whatsoever.
You don't need anyone to cheer you up!
It's fine. You're immune to sadness. Even if you lose your job, or you get kicked out of school, or get grounded indefinitely, you don't feel the tiniest bit of emotion. Or if you do, then obviously, a friend cannot help you get through that tunnel of sadness with extreme ease. That's that like the only thing a friend cannot even hope to do. And you are pretty damn tough, ain't you? The most microscopic shard of loneliness cannot penetrate your thick skin. You can absolutely shake off the feeling of distress on your own. A friend would just worsen the situation. He/She will ensure that you get over whatever's bothering you. Exactly what you don't need.
You'd rather have an outing by yourself.
Do you want to watch a movie? Cool. Have fun!
Do you want to watch a movie with your friends? NO! Nobody wants to discuss the ongoings of a great movie when you have your brain to tackle with. It's always better to laugh alone like a fool rather than chuckling with a friend who'll make it look almost bearable.
And when you get those 'random ice-cream cravings', you'll have no one to accompany you to the ice-cream parlor. And you'll be there, holding a mint and choco-chip cookie ice cream, and thinking about life, in a general manner.
Life could be good with friends, maybe.
You'd love to have sleepovers alone, because who wouldn't?
Sleepovers at YOUR home on a night of YOUR choice with a movie of YOUR liking would be almost amazing.
You'd be getting snacks of your choice. You'd be playing games with your friends, and… Oh. No friends. My bad.
And you can fall asleep in the middle of your own personal sleepover, and stay that way, because there would be no friend who will wake you up, thus ruining your perfect sombre with yourself.
You get what I mean, right?
You can't count on anyone for help, for real!
Read it like this.
You're out on a drive, solo as always, and all of a sudden, you get a flat tire.
Now the chances of that happening are very low. But on the off-chance that such terrible misfortune befalls you, you know who you could count upon?
Answer? NO ONE!
It's so self-developing! Fixing a flat tire on the side of the road without any help will make you come off as a total hunk. Agreed, it will be tiresome (pun intended) and sweaty, and you'll probably have an arm ache afterward, you'll be cursing yourself for all that time, but it will be worth it.
Because you managed it without any friends, that's why.
You don't need a best man or a bridesmaid.
That's right. You have reached the incredible level of self-dependency where you don't need anyone to hand out rings for you. You can just smirk and take your ring out of your own pocket. Because that'll definitely make you look more badass.
You won't even have to go through the hassle of choosing your best man/bridesmaid. Why? Stupid, because you 'ain't got no homies'! Forget the pain of having to pick one friend over the other, for the word 'friend' doesn't even exist in your personal dictionary. It's kinda sad, but you own it! That's why you're happy.
Or are you?
No birthday or anniversary gifts, guaranteed!
Have you ever gone to the local gift shop and tried picking out gifts for your friends? That's obvious. You haven't. No reasons here.
The excitement of remembering what your friend likes the most or any specific thing he wants is unknown to you. You're above all that. You're essentially a God. Just of a smaller and non-worthy form. But a God nonetheless.
You won't have to spend less than 1% of your salary for buying something that isn't even meant for you. Similarly, you won't have the slightest excitement of receiving a gift, because… Well.
Gifts suck, anyway.
So get over the fact that friends are a necessity, not a luxury. That you cannot live through this sad and miserable life without any friends. That friends will be there for you, no matter what.
I think the wise man said, "You need friends, duh."