About Morty Lefkoe
Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence. But why?
How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence? What is confidence anyway? Where does it come from? Why do some people have more of it than others?
As someone who has helped literally thousands of people build more confidence, I think I am qualified to answer these questions. (By the way, I had very little self-confidence for most of my life but now I consistently experience a high level of confidence.)
What is confidence?
Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a very low to a very high belief in our own abilities, a sense we can handle whatever life throws at us. Very few people are totally lacking in confidence and very few feel confident that they can handle almost anything. So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can improve their confidence.
It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though they have high level of self-confidence. Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.
How to improve your level of confidence
The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot. The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs. Every negative belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence, beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m powerless, I’m not capable, Nothing I do is good enough, and I’m not worthy.
Once you understand that a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs lowers your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will understand the myth that self-confidence comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life.
If you succeed at tasks as a kid and your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs that will lower your self-confidence. On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time. If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence. In other words, your level of self-confidence is a function of your beliefs, not your practical results.
And if you have created a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs, failures later in life probably will be experienced as temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Some of the consequences of low self-confidence
A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as procrastination (we are afraid we won’t do a good job so we keep putting things off), worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough).
Low self-confidence also can result in self-defeating behavior. It can keep you from ever getting started. Or it can have you quit at the first sign of a problem. Or it can lead you to sabotage yourself when you get close to success because you feel you don’t really deserve to get what you want. Or if somehow you manage to get some of what you want, a low level of self-confidence will keep you from truly enjoying your success. The best illustration of this latter point is a study of large company CEOs done many years ago in which most of them admitted they were terrified that they would be “found out” and that it would all be taken away from them. This fear among executives is so common that it is known as the “Imposer Syndrome.”
How building confidence improves your life
Some of the benefits of increased self-confidence include: You’ll take more chances. You’ll stop procrastinating. You’ll do whatever you need to do to move your vision forward. You’ll finally start things you’ve always wanted to do and never got around to doing. It will make social activity easier. Talking to people and meeting new people will become easier and effortless. Failure and mistakes will no longer be dreaded. And you’ll do what you want without worrying about what others will think.
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Hi Morty
This is one of my favourite topics. I have been doing a lot of work on this recently as I know increasing my confidence is a big part of me realising my dreams.
I am finding affirmations are proving very useful – although sometimes I have to do rather a lot of them: those annoying self limiting beliefs can be persistent!
But I so agree with your summary – I am finding that by working on my confidence I am looking at opportunities in a different way and I am actively seeking more ways of achieving my dream to be a successful writer.
A few months ago I couldn’t even say I was a writer out loud and now, well now I am here on CYT telling you Morty that my name is Karen and I am a writer! Thank you for reminding me of what I need to do.
Karen
Hi, your article says Imposer Syndrome, but I think you mean Imposter Syndrome.
Hi Vin,
Thanks for catching the typo. Right you are.
Regards, Morty
This is an important topic so I’m glad that it was posted. Confidence can also be transferred across different areas. That’s why many people, especially children, who take up martial arts, begin to develop increasing levels of self confidence that they can apply to other areas of their lives.
great post Morty
i always believed that lack of self confidence is all about the lack of certain skills
thanks for your post
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
It’s important to make the distinction so you don’t feel a general lack of confidence just because you can’t do specific things.
Regards, Morty
I like that you made the distinction between self-confidence in a task and self-confidence in yourself. So much more important to have confidence in yourself because there is so much more willingness to risk failure in taking on new challenges. Someone who lacks much confidence in themselves will more likely assume failure will be the result of any attempt they make at trying something new to them and are therefore less likely to venture out of their comfort zones.
Still, while you are dead-on that parental criticism can undermine our ability to enjoy the fruit of our successes and reduce the esteem-boosting confidence otherwise derived from achievement in specific areas of life, I do believe that repeated successes can begin to mount a believable counter-argument to the years of parental discouragement that can start to positively affect one’s general sense of confidence.
Hi,
Yes, repeated success as you grow up can help, but success will not in itself eliminate the negative beleifs formed as a child, beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I’m powerless, and I’m not important.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Morty
Very few people are totally lacking in confidence and very few feel confident that they can handle almost anything. i have never seen the stuff like that always had a negative view. i am more confident that i can change and be good, i can do it, i will take more chances to make it.
Confidence is like the battery to your car. If you let it die, it will never show its full potential.
Excellent points, thanks for the fresh insight.
So many great points were made in the article and the comments. I love Bryce’s quote! And yes, Karen, affirmations are a terrific way of changing the internal self talk when you are noticing yourself being negative. If you use EFT Tapping along with the affirmations, it’s likely to work even better!
I encourage my clients to journal, and write down their small steps towards large goals. Looking back over past journals is a great way to remind yourself: I can do it, I DID it, and I AM doing it now!
Thanks!
Do affirmations really improve confidence, or do they just make you feel better (if that) for the moment?
If confidence is really a function of our fundamental beleifs about ourselves (are we good enough, important, worthwhile, deserving, etc.?), then if we have said “no” in our minds to thee questions, then it is unlikely that affirmations will change those “nos” to yeses.” You’d have to eliminate the negative beliefs.
Thanks for the comment,
Regards, Morty
Morty,
I found this point very important > “It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself.”
I’m focusing on eliminating negative believes this year (aka deceptive brain messages) and it’s really lifting me up. Your explanation is so clear and simply. A big support. Thank you.
Hi Sandra,
I’m glad that distinction was useful. If you want to eliminate one belief for free to see how simple it can be, try http://recreateyourlife.com.
Regards, Morty
Thank you Morty,
I have been increasingly aware of my “confidence levels” for some time now. I have extinguished many limiting beliefs and as a consequence my self belief/confidence has improved. Still room for improvement though. Thank you, this is a very important topic.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
Congratulations on eliminating some of your negative self-esteem beliefs. That is the best way to really improve your level of self-confidence.
Regards, Morty
Hi Morty,
Great post as always. What about people that have a lack of confidence in themselves because of physical disabilities.
Let’s say that someone is prone to seizures, and lives in constant fear of having one at an inopportune time. Have you ever helped anyone that had a “physical handicap?”
Hi Justin,
I don’t think that people lack confidence in themselves because of physical disabilities. If there were specific things you couldn’t do because of physical disabilities then you would realize you couldn’t do those specific things. You wouldn’t doubt yourself as a person.
There are people with major disabilities who have tremendous confidence in themselves. Witness the Olympics for people with disabilities. What about successful CEOs with ADD?
Regards, Morty
Self-confidence is necessary for the construction of large projects.
I have been dealing with low self confidence for a while.
Reading this article really helped me to understand some of my decisions. I am dedicated to improving. Thanks for motivating me.
Hi Chrissie,
Try eliminating some of your negative beliefs about yourself. That is the most effective way to improve your self-confidence.
Try eliminating one belief free at http://recreateyourlife.com.
Regards, Morty
Morty that is some good stuff there my friend!
I’ve always considered myself as a confident person but then also considered myself somewhat of a procrastinator. I never once linked the two together. Even after reading this it’s hard for me to admit this could be the root cause “procrastination (we are afraid we won’t do a good job so we keep putting things off)”. I believe I will do a good job when I finally get around to the task. But now with this enlightenment, could this self-limiting belief lie more in my sub-conscious? Maybe I am not as confident as I thought.
Thanks for your post!
Hi AJ,
We have found that when people who procrastinate eliminate a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs their procrastination ends, totally.
Regards,Morty
That’s truly interesting. A perspective I would never have thought of.
Procrastination is my biggest pet peeve. It annoys, comforts and puzzles me all at the same time. I’m going to follow your advice. It’s a habit that’s long outlived it’s welcome.
Thanks.
Hi Morty, I guess most of the world runs on ‘imposer syndrome’ until a credible level of competence is achieved. I also believe that if you followed your advice on specific abilities on internal perception (ie persistent practice) then the ‘limiters’ would naturally disappear in any event. In some respects, I find it difficult to distinguish abilities from internal perception whether that’s a perceived lack of confidence in public speaking, social networking, making friends or whatever. In fact the mere mention of negativity (you need to identify it or with it before you can eliminate it) plays entirely in to ego’s hands. So better to practice ‘can do’ to that point that the ‘critical little voice’ gets bored and leaves
cheers, Stephen
As long long as we continue to build ourselves by facing our fears. Our confidence can and will ONLY rise.
Hi Jonathan,
I’m not sure our confidence will rise permanently if we merely face our fears and not eliminate the beleifs that cause our fears.As long as we belief, If I make a mistake I’ll be rejected, I’m inadequate, I’m not good enough, and other similar beliefs, we will lack confidence and be afraid to act.
Regards, Morty
Hi Morty.
Thanks for an intriguing post. Like Sandra above I was caught on your statement “It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself.”
I want to bring up a different lens. I see your definition of self-confidence of self really being self-worth (e.g., “not good enough”). This touches at one’s core beliefs about who they are — their authentic self, their inherent worth. The fallout might be lack of self-confidence.
From my life’s experience, I believed from a very young age that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind and heart to and was very confident in my self. However, I lingered for years about being “good enough” and just recently saw that this was a statement about my inherent worth as a human. The belief didn’t hold me back from accomplishments but held me back from an inner joy.
I realize some of this might be semantics. However, coaching others about confidence and worth would seem to carry very different approaches.
Your thoughts?
Thanks so much.
Susie
Hi Susie,
We find that when people eliminate a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs, such as I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m not worthy, etc. their sense of confidence improves markedly.
In fact, we guarantee that people who eliminate 19 such beliefs on one of our belief-elimination programs (for the complete list of beliefs on the program, see http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence) will significant improve their sense of confidence or their money back. SO self-confidence seems to be very closely related to self-esteem.
Thanks for your question.
Regards, Morty
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, Morty.
Susie
Eliminate negative beliefs is the key to gain confidence, great point. May be you can write about the steps to achieve this, Morty? My friend and I’d certainly interested to learn. Anyway, thanks for explaining ‘confidence’ so well.
Hi Noel,
If you want to see the steps to use to eliminate a belief go to http://recreateyourlife.com and try a free program to eliminate a few of the most common beliefs.
Let me know what you think.
Regards, Morty
Morty, it’s a bit like re-writing bits of a story to change the outcome. Small tweaks and fine tuning can multiply a millionfold in the mind. So one simple altered thought or perception can have a massive positive ripple effect in your life. I’ve done it, it works, and it works wonders too!
Hi John,
Changing beliefs has such power because our beliefs are the way we see reality and we usually act consistently with reality. Get rid of the belief relationships don’t work and the way you perceive and deal with relationships will change totally.
Regards, Morty
Morty,
I had never thought about looking at self confidence in performing a task as different that personal self confidence. Now that you have pointed this out, the distinction is huge. For example, I was a practicing nurse for 25 years, mostly working with cancer, chemotherapy, and bone marrow transplants. I was confident and was considered by both my peers and myself as a clinical expert. However, in my personal life, I struggle with a sense of unworthiness–something I am working to heal. Your thoughts here are very helpful. Many thanks.