The Night I Gave Up On Life

Steven Aitchison
Written by Steven Aitchison

I don’t quite know why I am sharing this extremely personal story with you now, except that there is a little voice pushing me to let it out, and I am acting on that.

This story might be upsetting for some and it might make others feel angry and for that I apologise.

I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life.

It was back in 1990, my life looked as if it was going well, I had a lot of friends, I had a decent job, I had travelled a bit, I had good looks, I had money in my pocket, the works.  The thing is I wasn’t all that happy and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was unhappy inside.  I used to fantasize about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort to know that I had the choice of living or dying.

I used to plan how I was going to end my life so as it would look like an accident to lessen the pain on my family, my favourite fantasy was jumping off a tall building.

One night, I was working in a bar and I was walking the 2 mile walk home late at about 1am.  The rain could be heard thundering down onto the pavements.  I was walking slowly in the rain as I liked the feel of rain against my skin.  I noticed in the distance a dog, and it was limping quite heavily.  When the dog got closer, I noticed the dog had only 3 legs as it ran past me.  For no reason, I started crying uncontrollably as I felt so sorry for this dog.  I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind the next day, and wondered why I was so upset by it.  I realised I felt like the dog: alone, soaked, not fully functional and nowhere to go.

A few nights later I decided that the jacket of life no longer fitted me and I was taking the jacket off for good.  I said goodnight to my mum and dad, I called my sisters earlier on to tell them I loved them.  I took 26 strong sleeping tablets up to my bedroom after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning for work as I had a days holiday.  I sat in bed with the tablets, a glass of milk and cried as I took each tablet.  I cried for my mum, and at how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad as I had only told him I loved him once in my life.  I cried for my sisters as I would miss them terribly and knew they would miss me.  I took all 26 tablets and put my head on my pillow to die.  I am crying as I write this just now.

I can’t quite remember when I woke up, I was in hospital and two of my friends were there with my mum and dad and sisters.  I had been unconscious, I honestly don’t know how long as I have never spoken of this to my family since.  The morning after I had taken the tablets my dad was up for work as normal.  He didn’t wake me up as I had told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up at around 5am.  Apparently I had fallen out of bed.  That fall , and my dad hearing it, saved my life, I believe.

When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explaining.  The hospital psychiatrist came round and asked if I needed help.  I told her I knew why I had done it and I was going to rectify the issues in my life.  I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having to put my family through something as awful as this just because I didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.

I didn’t feel I fitted into life, with the friends I had, the job, just everything.  What did I do? I started over.  I dropped my friends as I realised they were drinking buddies and not friends, I changed my job, I upgraded my skills, I got my finances sorted out and moved to another city.  I have never looked back since and I have been on a quest ever since to find myself and share the knowledge I have with others.

Lessons From That Night

Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life.  There are always options and if the worst comes to the worst, drop everything and start again.  If you are in this situation just now, please believe me when  I say it will get better and there are people who can help.

I’ve learned to tell others how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.

I’ve learned to look for the signs that others might need help.

I mentioned earlier the jacket did not fit, what I realised when I awoke in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.

I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long standing depression was lifted in one decision – I will change my life to suit me.

Some Amazing Comments


About the author


  • Hi,

    I have never posted on a website before but a lot of the people on here seem nice. I am a 38 year old single mother of a 16 year old boy in Ireland. I have no friends, and have isolated myself completely. All I have is my son, and I am very angry and depressed and can hardly speak to him without getting angry, over the smallest things. I have been in and out of AA for twenty years – and I hate it so much, have been abused by a couple of men in there, so I don’t go anymore, but I stay sober on my own. I came off Effexor antidepressants three months ago because they were having horrible side effects and I was no happier. I feel completely alone. My family has little or nothing to do with me, and my mother rings once a day as a sort of duty and just gets fed up when I am not deliriously happy all the time, and usually the phone calls just make me more angry – but it’s worse if I don’t answer, then she gets angry and accusing. I have hardly any work, after spending ten years studying to get a Phd in English lit, I give a couple of grinds and that’s it. I am at home all day alone and the only thing keeping me live is my son. But I think even he would be better off without me. Crying as I write this, sick of my life, it has been miserable since day one. I also got caught drink driving at Christmas, two days before my birthday, and luckily the roads were empty and I did not hurt anyone, My own brother was killed by a drink driver. I haven’t drank since the arrest. Now I will lose the car, probably, the hearing date is being set tomorrow and I cannot stand the thought of having to be in public, walking or waiting for buses, I hate being around people, feel ashamed and ugly and I love my car as it allows me to hide and get my son around. Terrified of death but think of ending my life every day. Nothing ever works out, friends just let me down, men too. I am alone and not one single person would miss me except my son, maybe.

  • I am A 23 year old, going through a similar situation at the moment. I had a job and gave it up. For some reason. I feel that I’m suffering from depression. I raised the concern to my mother, but she thinks I’m only feeling sorry for myself. I feel there is nothing else to do, but to take my life. To take my life, because I feel its causing misery to others, especially my parents.

  • I just dont love my life..everything unfair happens to me only..the girl whom I love she loves anotger person..there is nothing left in this world..I just want to get out of it

  • I am in a dark place , even after reading this and telling myself I can change my life the other part of me still tells me I cant do it , I feel so out of place , so useless , so stupid , I’m the oldest of 5 , I cant set up an example and I’m ashamed of myself , I dropped out of college because I don’t know what I’m good at . I cant talk to my friends or family because I hate showing sign of weakness and don’t want them to worry. But I honestly feel like a dead girl walking , have no motivation , no inspiration …. I am not a lazy person but that’s how people think of you from the outside , I think about dying every day because I don’t have a purpose for this world , to me death got to be easy because life is so hard when you are lost in a dark place alone. Everyone knows what they doing in life but I’m stuck! I’m suppose to be helping out my family , but I can’t even help myself.

    • Hi JaneD

      I totally understand where you’re coming from. I can’t pretend to know how you feel as everyone is different, but I had similar thoughts as the article explains. You are not useless, or stupid, you just haven’t found a path worth travelling yet – let me say that again, you haven’t found a path worth travelling yet. It’s only the path you are on right now that you don’t feel like travelling. You have sooooo much to give to this world, but you don’t know it yet. I can’t tell you what to do and only give advice from my situation. I changed the path, altered the jacket, and totally changed the outlook I had on life and never looked back. How do you change your path? – Well there’s some tough questions you’ve got to ask yourself: What is it about this path that I don’t like? What can I do to change the aspects that I don’t like? Who do I need to help me change? –

      If you go deep inside yourself and ask lots of questions, and more importantly answer the questions honestly you’ll start to find the answers that WILL lead you to a new, more life fulfilling path. Honestly Jane, it’s not the path that you are currently travelling that is so terrible, it’s the questions you are asking yourself and the answers that are not so good.

      You were put on this earth for a reason, your life’s quest is to find that reason, and if that means travelling to 100 different countries, having 100 different jobs, meeting thousands of different people then so be it. You are totally worth it Jane, I promise you that, you are more special than you will ever know, it’s now up to you to realise that…….

      • Why are only some people getting a reply? I really hoped someone could advise me as I really am contemplating suicide. I posted my comments on 7 January but others have had responses whereas I haven’t.

        • Hi Sarah
          This post is not really about giving advice and is not monitored as such, but others may receive feedback or guidance from time to time from myself and other users.

          I am truly sorry to hear that you are still feeling like this after a few months.

          I would honestly suggest speaking to your doctor if your feelings of suicide have been continuous since you last posted on the 7th January.

          It’s extremely difficult to advise someone on a forum like this as I, or anybody else, does not know your situation fully.

          I see from your IP address that you are from the UK. Can I suggest the website
          and the number for Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

          Please seek help Sarah, you can and will get over these feelings.


          • I’ve tried everything and I still have to see this man every day at work and it’s destroying me. These feelings have lasted for almost 4 and a half years and I have tried so hard to be strong. Would leaving my job be the worst thing in the world? What if that is a mistake?

  • It is not as easy as you make it sound. You at least had a supportive family. What would you do if they were not there or not as supportive. Change your life, alright but can you change the people who are made to sty close to you. Boss, I don’t have the balls to commit suicide but then life isn’t good either.

  • Life can be so painful. Depression spirals into such an intense downward despair. It can feel hopeless. I spent many years in that dark place, but it doesn’t have to be the end. There are ways that it can all change from pain to joy. Get help, don’t try and do this alone.

  • I have felt very lost and alone and FILLED with all sorts of emotion, anger, pain and irritability since a guy I was truly in love with completely led me up the garden path. I have frequent suicidal thoughts despite two years of therapy and CBT. I’m almost 38 and feel useless and alone, like my life is over and I’m not well thought of or liked by anyone. An awful lot of what I feel is based around his actions. I honestly don’t see myself ever meeting anyone special now or having a family of my own. The constant irritability worries me – like if someone were to suddenly interrupt me I would fly off the handle, and certain noises drive me to complete rage. I wasn’t like this before I met that man. I don’t know what to do.

  • ive hit pretty much rock bottom.. i split with the girl i thought i would marry back in march (i live in sydney but from uk)- we kept contact as we were still friends.. we both even told each other we loved each other. last week i found out she moved on straight away with a new guy from work. its really hit me very hard. i cannot sleep, im struggling to breathe at my desk, my family are on the other side of the world and i feel i could cry at any minute.. waves of anxiety/panic keep hitting me which literally feels like something inside my chest is tearing..
    my job is below average paid and almost feels like im just doing administration.. no challenge but i planned on staying in aus til next july when i can apply for residency.. but im doubting if i have the strength to carry on..
    im stuck in a single mans life now – boozing, drugging, womanising, smoking, nightclubbing – all unhealthy i know but i thought getting back out there and not moping at home would do me good – instead its eroding all my self belief..the only silver lining is im a good looking bloke. but behind it is nothing worth sticking around for..
    im 32, all my mates have good careers, wives, children, settled homes.. im in a box room in the outskirts of sydney waking up each day wishing i hadnt.

    i scared myself so much last night as i prayed that i wouldnt wake up this morning. i couldnt tell my mum as she would feel helpless at home.. i feel i cant stay in sydney as i see memories everywhere and home is where we first met and the UK is unstable at the moment..
    i feel incredibly lonely and feel like ive had tears permanently resting on my lower eyelids.. as sad as it sounds, if there was an off button on me right now, id probably press it. usually people have passions which get them through life – i have none, i have no talents.. there is something wrong with me..
    ive tried being grateful for everything in my life but the weight is becoming heavy and i dont know if ive got it in me to keep on swinging..
    my mum would be so upset if she knew this but i cant tell her this, she would dispair.. i dont know what to do..
    sorry to everyone who read this, i guess its comforting knowing im not the only one walking under a cloud..

    • Hi Sam
      I’ve just come across your post and felt compelled to write to see how you are doing, I know you posted a few months ago now so am hoping that if you are still in Sydney that you have managed to find some happiness.
      Your experiences and the feelings you have expressed mirror mine. I know what it’s like to feel alone and isolated when you’re away from home, I’ve just returned home (Sydney) after living in the UK for the past four years, so I have great empathy for how you must feel being away from your family when you feel low. I’m in my mid 30s and share your feelings on how it seems everyone else has their life sorted, while I’m still the single girl who is floundering in low paying jobs because I never had the confidence to pursue a worthwhile career. Please try to believe that although you have taken a different path in life, it doesn’t mean that you’ve chosen the wrong path, and there’s no reason why you can’t have the things you mentioned in the future if they are what you want. You are managing to support yourself in one of the most expensive cities in the world, that’s a huge achievement. Have you done much travel? Is that something that is high on your list of things to do? Have you thought about moving to another Australian city (I’ve never thought very highly of Sydney despite it being my home). Have you managed to get out and enjoy the good weather we have been having? I ask this as I have spent the last 2 months in my room paralyzed by anxiety, depression, and like you, wishing that I’d fall asleep and not wake up because I just felt my life was worthless and meaningless, but since joining a gym for the first time in 10 years, starting to run mornings and evenings, and commencing full time study in a course that may actually lead to a satisfying job one day I’m starting to feel a tiny bit better and the dark thoughts are being pushed to the side because I’m now too tired and too busy to entertain them.
      Try to be kind to yourself, you sound like a good and caring person (I was really touched when you mentioned your mum) and I hope that knowing that a stranger cares is of some comfort.
      Take care

  • I came across this post last night – well, about 3am actually as my thoughts had been taking me lower and lower since about 11:30pm. Laying in bed feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted and taken for granted. The same thoughts plagued me, the same emptiness filled me, the same hopelessness kept reminding me that I have nothing and my life is no fun. I don’t like my life. I want no more of my life.

    You know what, I saw a bit of me in your article, me of some 25 or 30 years ago, that is. You see, I’m 50 next month and have nothing. I feel terrible saying that because I have 2 wonderful children and a wife who, I’m sure, loves me. But yet I feel so… empty… I hate my day to day life is what I mean. If I left this shit life only 3, maybe 4 or 5 people would care. I’m 50 next month and just a handful of people care that I’m alive!

    I wish I could start over. I wish I could, really. I don’t like laying there for hour after hour staring through the darkness at the ceiling wondering how I could end my life without hurting my family… If it wasn’t for them, I’d be gone. I’ve lived with this for over 30 years and I’ve had enough.

  • My name is Mr Cardenas,my wife was having affair with a senior secretary in her office. I love this woman so much that i would not want to share her with any body. i told her to retire from the job and i would take care of all her needs but she would take it because she is been embraced by everybody in her office, this normally leads to quarrel every-time. i tried all i can to please her and she will promise to be good , some days later she will turn back to her normal way.
    i was nearly loosing out, i could not focus in my job, my whole life was full of sorrow and i was thinking i should kill the other man my self and put an end to all this until i saw a testimony from a blog on how DR EDIONWE could cast a love spell to bring lovers back no matter what is behind the disappointment. so i decided to write him via email. and now all my wishes are exactly as i wanted. She told me everything that has happened secretly in the past and i forgave her as DR EDIONWE instructed me to and she loves me and care for me as i ever wanted. i know there are many spells that do not work but i want to assure all you out there no matter what you have been trough to have faith and believe that this is the final solution to your problem.
    Even if my job is taking most of my time, the little free time i have , i will share the good news to everyone in the world because i know that with love brings happiness and hope for a long life.

  • Well, I find myself typing this at 11 pm at night. Lost as I ever could be. I’m 16, intelligent, and unbelievable lonely. I hit the roughest part of my life when I was 11/12 years old. The only thing my mind was on was suicide, when kids my age were thinking about sex, I thought about suicide every second of every day. I would walk around school and think ” How could they not see my pain?” I was the hilarious kid on honor roll, who smiled and laughed like there was like no tomorrow. I was bullied and lonely and frankly, I still am. I had a suicide scare when I was 12. I cried for hours straight. Locked my door and cried I cried for so long. I cried in my sleep, cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying and repeated that for hours. That day was the darkest day I ever had my mind was clouded and dark. I rehabilitated myself after that. I began eating healthy and I lost about 110 pounds. But it has come back, my depression. I lived with a wonderful mother and an abusive father (but he has gotten better). I find myself thinking about suicide again. My loneliness seems to have no end. I want and crave love. Acknowledgement even to the point of being hated. I was betrayed, beaten, broken, and then some. My loneliness/pain is coming back and it seems to be stronger than it has ever been. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t want to hurt my family (fuck the few “friends” that I have, those bastards don’t want anything but a good laugh). It is killing me but killing me would kill the ones I love or I think I love. I feel void. Praying hasn’t helped me either. I feel that I am simply beyond help.

    • Dear James,
      I just stumbled upon your message and here and my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry that your heart is heavy with sadness. You are so young and the world should not be so burdensome for you.
      Do you have anyone to talk to? You reference your “wonderful mother”, who I know [because I’m the mother of an 18 year old son] loves & adores you. Is it possible to discuss with her your pain, your sadness, your depression?! If she’s not aware of your pain, she would want to know and help you.
      Depression is often something out of our control. Just think, if you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t hobble around and hope that it got better on it’s own – no, rather you would seek treatment from a Dr. Our minds are very complex, like our bodies, when “stuff” occurs that we can’t fix, it’s time to call in an expert.
      James, as dark and hopeless as life might feel at the moment, please know that people care about YOU [I’m all the way in Portland, Oregon – USA and I’m now worried sick about you]. Please ask for help – it’s available and YOU are truly worth it.
      Sending you positive energy, prayers of peace & comfort.

  • Am so glad to have this opportunity to speak joyfully again, i am from usa, am 34years old. since June 4th 2010, the relationship between i and my husband was stumbling, i never knew he was seeing another another outside. my beloved Nelson Lucas, whom i loved was being taken away from me gradually. my husband send me a letter through our magistrate lawyer, when i go through guess what he, seeks for divorce and i was calling his cell phone and it wasn’t going through then i cried all through the night. three days later he came to the house well drunk so i help him to the bathroom to take his bath but he couldn’t so i came to the dinning with him and we ate together , after few minutes went to the bedroom and we slept. the next morning when he woke up the anger in him increased all because he found his self mistakenly slept with me, after making all this troubles, he left and my tears and sorrows increased. 3months later, i went away because i couldn’t bear all what i was passing through. until one day, when i was in my office my college came to me and told me about how her own friend also got his marital solution and after she contacted me to her friend, and her friend who was also nice to me help me to a spell caster were i got the solutions to my problems.there was this great spell caster known for good, whose name was Dr.Omonigho according to him he said he inherited this spirit of spell casting from his grandfather, he also said that it was a generational inheritance. i contacted him to help me to restore my marriage with Nelson that’s all, behold he brought him back to me, and also help me to get babes, when i was pregnant, i never knew of it becos Doctor said i can no longer give birth that i have climes the stage of mono-pus.Dr.Omonigho help me to get back my husband 1year and 8months after break up, and also helped me to give birth to a set of twins 4months ago. so now i and my beloved husband are happily together forever with a set of twins, a girl and a boy. dnt hessitatee to contact him now, he can help you in any problem you are facing.

  • Hello,
    Thank you for sharing your very personal story. I was clinically depressed for many years and thought about suicide too. Thankfully, the brain tumor causing the depression was removed and the depression disappeared.

    I see now that with the kiss of death, God sent us both back to do more for Him. I pray we both continue to encourage others that trials serve to strengthen and teach us, not destroy us. There is nothing that God hands out that we can’t get through with His help.

  • I am writing this after just trying to buy 100 dollars worth of valuim from my friend so i could commit suicide. He wanted too much per pill for me to feel comfortable that the job would be done. I was looking for a glimmer of hope somewhere, some kind of help when I came upon this article. I have seriously bad Karma that prevents anything good from happening to me. As I am typing this, 2 of my friends are in my apartment completely oblivious to how much I am hurting. Whats odd is if I were someone else, they would notice and care. But for whatever reason, my pain is invisible or negligible to them. Ones playing video games, and the other is watering marijauna plants. Neither would want to waste their time talking to me about this. Unfortunately, there aren’t any better friends to talk to for me. All of my other friends might just say something like, “i don’t know what to tell you dude…whatever”, or “do it then dude. Don’t talk about it, be about it”. I am 30 years old and I have never wanted to die so badly. I almost cut my wrists in my bathtub before realizing that I don’t have the courage for that. I don’t fit this life either… never have. God man,I have been abandoned and loveless for so long….The only thing I do well is play music….and no one wants to here it where I live (Los Angeles..the irony). I got a LOT of songs recorded (3 albums), but no one will ever here them. Everyone likes rap around herein my neighborhood. They just look at me weird when they see a black guy playing guitar and singing…its the only time I feel worth any thing, and its still worth nothing. So much for my lifes work. Well at least someone knows now. Even if its not my friends and family. I hope at least you guys that are struggling too might care that I’m hurting so bad too. All I ever wanted was for someone to just care. No one else does. Here I am sitting not ten feet from my best friend and he didn’t even notice that I shed a tear while typing this. Thanks for whoever might read this and know that I existed.

    • Hi jsd

      I can hear you’re really hurting just now. You must be great at hiding your deep emotions if your friends don’t know how you feel!

      I hope that you will realise that although life doesn’t fit you, you can alter it to fit you, it’s not a permanent state.

      If you love music so much you’ve got a great outlet to reach other people and help other people who maybe feeling like you. You have a talent, and you don’t have to sell 1 million albums for that talent to be recognised, use that talent to help yourself and to help others.

      Right now, around the world, there are thousands of people contemplating suicide, please don’t be one of the ones who do it.

      Tell me something good about your life, anything!!!

      You have to trust me jsd, you have to talk to someone, I really wished I had at the time, once it’s out there the power of those thoughts will be weakened. You can call this number just to speak to someone just now: 1-800-273-8255, if you don’t want to just reply to my question above. You are strong, you’ve made it through 30 years and you’ve still got a purpose in life (I know you do!).

      • Something good about my life. Thats a little difficult at the moment. I’m sure you understand. Geez I really just sat here and thought about this question for 10 minutes and the best I can come up with right now is my new drivers license came in the mail yesterday. Well, my brothers and my sisters are all really cool and fairly well adjusted. I’m thankful for that. They are going to have good lives. They have all been models at some point in time as well so that helps their case too.

        • Hey JSD

          That’s a start, so you’ve got the potential to travel if you want, if you’ve got access to a car that is :)

          What about your music, are you marketing it, or is it just something you enjoy?

          Are you close to your brothers and sisters?

          • As far as travel is concerned I am thinking about moving to Alaska. But no I am not that close to any of them. My parents weren’t married when they had me, but my siblings have all grown up in households where my mom and dad were married to their respective spouses. Consequently I am more of a wanderer and they are far more rooted. They think I’m weird. Cuz I am. Anyway, yes I have been trying to market my music since my early twenties but have had little success. I think I’ve only actually sold a hand full of albums, but I’ve given hundreds away at my shows and to friends. Of course…no one listens to them…lol. You know its actually helping just to have someone to type to. It makes me feel like my life has been more “the hijinx of a well meaning but limited individual” then “a full on shakespearean tragedy”. Thank you. Tomorrow will be more tolerable for me I think.

          • I am glad to hear that this is helping JSD. I know it’s really hard at the moment, and you might not be able to see a future for yourself, but it’s there, just waiting for you to grab it by the balls and live the life you want to live. You know the thing that helped me…….was knowing where I wanted to go, I was a wanderer and didn’t have a clue what I wanted from life, as soon as set a vision for my future, doing it my way, I was off and running…..might be worth trying.

            BTW, I am weird as well and I love being weird, the only thing I had to do was become comfortable being weird, when you get to that stage things begin to change, weird but true :)

            Shoot me a message tomorrow JSD and let me know how you’re doing.

            Take care buddy.

          • Hey Steve. I’m doing little better today. It made me feel like even though they don’t understand me, they still care. You’re right. I have to try to fit life to me. Its going to be difficult but I have to try or I’ll never make it out of this place.Thanks for helping me hang in there last night. I was really ready man. Really ready to let it all go.

          • Hey JSD

            I am so glad you are feeling a little better.

            It is going to be difficult, but at least you have something to reach for now.

            JSD, I really wish you all the best, truly I do. Send a message if you just want to talk a little or get things off your chest.

  • I have a fantastic news about my spell: it is working, only 5 weeks after you started it all. Never in my life have I thought magic would work so fast. My man is acting completely different now and we are making love everyday (last weekend, we did it 8 times in total!). Now I can say that your work! Thank you a million times.

  • I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story. I suffered depression for a long time and it is comforting in a way to know others have had similar thoughts to me, and also the courage to attempt to rectify their life.

    I know you’re right, things will get better.

  • Hello,
    My name is Cheryl and I live in the United States. Last year I nearly died due to a brain tumor that was undiagnosed for about ten years. I suffered from clinical depression as the location of the tumor was on my frontal lobe.

    As I rise from the ashes of my crumbled life, I am sharing encouraging thoughts, prayers, music, and other posts on my blog. I am a Born Again Christian.
    I hope you check it out.

    You can read about my personal journey by selecting CATEGORY on the right of the homepage. Then scroll down to ABOUT ME. I have pictures posted of myself right after surgery and present day. My recovery was quick with the Lord’s help.

  • Thank you thank you DR ABULU for the good work you just did in my life , my name is Priscilla i was married to my husband for two years and we were living together happily and we both love each other for this two year not until one bad evening when i came back from work late due to scares of transportation and he started queering and he said he does not trust me anymore and he can continue with this marriage anymore and he drove me away from his house unknowingly to him that i was carrying his two month old baby inside me i tried informing he but he won,t listen to me anymore i thought i will never get him back again and i loved him so much and i promise not to rest until am able to get him back to my life so i began to look for a solution and help to get him back this was because i do not want to give birth to a fatherless child so one afternoon as i was browsing on my computer i came across a testimony shared by miss Rachael from UK how she got his ex husband back with the help of Dr abulu of ( so i decided to give him a try and to my best surprise the spell this man cast on my husband work just within two days i contacted him . and today am happily living with my husband and a bouncing baby boy , with all this help rendered to me through this DR ABULU OF ( )i will always thank him forever and testify his goodness in my life for other,s to hear an see , once again thank you DR for bringing back my family ,

  • I feel I have hit rock bottom, I have sought help… psychologist, doctors etc I’m on anti depressants but I am still hurting on the inside.
    I fantasize about dyeing I have thought of many ways to do it I have decided driving my car into a tree would be best for my family and loved ones.
    I feel I have tried everything I hate me, who I am and my entire life.
    I have a partner of over 10 yrs I have tried to talk to him but he doesn’t care for me how I need, I feel he doesn’t even love me. Our entire relationship is tainted, full of broken promises, excuses and blame.I feel totally alone, pathetic and ready to just finish it all.
    I am different from you as I dont have a good job, I’m slaving my arse off for minimum wage (I used to have so much potential)I dont have money, I dont have anything except my partner who would truly be better off without me and a dog who would also be better off without me. I have tried feeding positive thoughts into my head. This has gone on for too long I really cant do it anymore.

  • Steven, thanks for such an inspiring personal story. My friend is currently going through a loss job situation, that he can’t really understand himself. He seem to think the whole world is against him. Please advice.

  • i love the jacket metaphor! i’m glad you realized before it was too late that you can change your life. I have never been suicidal and in that place where i felt i had no other options. There is ALWAYS options! The best thing about life is change.

  • Hi,

    Thank you for your post, it must have taken a lot of courage, dedication and love to write it, for that, I am grateful. I’m at a very dry place in my life and realized that after reading this post and some of the responses that things are much serious than I thought. I recently started taking OTC meds that have sleep aids just to numb myself from life (that may be a problem), and like another lady said, I am getting dark circle under my eyes (problem?), and I am losing weight and my appetite (problem?). Anger has consumed me, when I used to be such a nice, loving and giving person. Don’t really know why I was chosen to endure this, but I’m at a breaking point, but so grateful to have found this post. Please don’t ever delete it!

  • I struggled with these end it thoughts and realized I wanted to live a Godly life and this was not something to do. Now I am struggling with curse words swirling in my head constantly which I do not seem to know how to get rid of. The fear that they will not go away make me feel like I can’t make it. Need help. Been praying a lot but my life is at a standstill.

  • Very nice. Good on you. You are right, the friends are just drinking buddies or either gossip buddies, they won’t lift you up when you are down.
    So, I’ve dropped them too. And am looking for new real friends.
    You are so right, the jacket can be altered to fit and we didn’t have to fit the jacket.
    How very inspiring.
    Thank you for such a beautiful article.

  • Wow, Steven, what an inspiration you are!

    I know how it feels to be that alone and I’ve managed to turn my life around as well.

    Thank you for sharing your story; and good on you for helping others change their lives :)

  • To all people having a hard life, Just watch “pursuit of happyness”.
    A movie based on real life.
    Then question yourself if you are having a hard time…

    Btw i’m Sal. 20 years old.
    Want to know my story? basically, I was abused by my parents since I was born.
    My dad wasn’t there the first 4 years of my life. (Yeah he was in prisson. because of drugs…)
    My mom had a tough time. But that leads to depression and she had to release her frustration on someone. It started when i bit her… nipple. I find it fascinating. But my Mum slapped me when i was 1 years old. i cried and cried and cried and… the whole day and she kept hitting me on my ass. this is what my sister told me when she was 8 years. my mom only gave me about 5 times breast feeding. my mom admitted that. She doesn’t care. she just let me cry on my bed for hours. when i was 2 years old i started to speak. i said mama. my mother didn’t care. she was watching a soapserie on television while yelling SHUT UP! to me. She still does. You have to think of my mother like a cavewoman. from the prehistorical era.
    She really comes from the mountains in the desert.

    anyway lots of lots of stuff happened, ofcourse i could cope with that. Children can cope with anything. but when they get older things change, people say… They where right. when i looked in the mirror, i couldn’t believe it. i had bigger balls. But I don’t like to change, i rather stay myself and not change at all. Because my mother now kicks me in the nuts. kidding, it’s my behavior i will not change.

    So… since i was 2 and could speak. i never spoken again. i also never cried again after she left me in my bad since i was 1 years old. i was always to afraid to talk to my mom. when i was hungry or thristy i never complained or cried. hard for my mother to know when food time is. Enough, lets skip a vew years.

    This is when i was 4 years old. Yippie! My dad came out of prisson! Questioned myself, Who the fuck is that smelly stinky man! And immediately i got hit in the face! what? He had to release his frustration on someone. And ofcourse it’s on me. who else. i had only 2 sisters. my dad didn;t hit my sisters. well, not often.

    When I cried, my dad used to hang me upside down. No I don’t remember anything but my mom told me some about dad en vice versa.

    Later he regrets his life of the way it was. he wanted to go back on track. By starting to hit on my face.! hhehe, no really. he send me of to the mosque. right after school i had to go to the mosque for 5 hours from 4 to 9. Every fucking day. sorry for saying fucking. Lets try that again.I went to the mosque and got hit by that teacher every Fucking Fucking Fucking Fucking Fucking Fucking……………time. Ow Mosque, how i not miss you. :’)

    When i came back to my home i again got hit in my face by both of my parents. because the teacher in the mosque told my father i wasn’t learning as fast as i should. don’t blame me, blame Allah for not giving or creating me a better brain. Eventually when i was 15, my school teacher discovered dyslexia. ah ofcourse. and no my father didn’t asked for forgiveness. that’s not according to the arabic culture to ask your son for forgiveness. Instead of that, he gave me a toutchdown on my face. (A Toutchface)

    It must be when my father took the vacuum cleaner steel pipe and hit it on my head when i was 7.
    When i was 15 it happened again. because i said what was in my heart. (I Hate YOU!) Right after he went down stairs. he immediately came back up and yea, like i said, he hit the steel pipe on my head. there was blood everywhere. adrenaline rushed all over me! couldn’t think! not look! everything was black! I was about to pass out! And suddenly i started to scream! I took the pipe from his hands like i was some kind of superhero. And Started to push him back verry hard to the wall. i saw his look on his eyes. verry scared. a 15 year old pushing him to the wall. look at me now motherfucker (litteraly) i was about his length at that age. my sisters my mother my little sister all came in and where screaming. right before i could land my big fist of justice on my father, my mother took me from behind and layed me on the ground ad yelled stop this! she thought i started it. but then there was one dirty kick from my father on my face! Yeah again my face! what the hell is wrong with him!. i couldn’t take it. Felt like i wasn’t myself, not breathing anymore. he walked to the stairs. i struggled myself away and gave him one flying kick on the back of his head. he fell down on the stairs. i didn’t give up. i had to let him know who’s boss. and let him taste a sense of justice. He had to go to the hospital for that fall. he broke his ribbs. they asked what coused the fall. he responded, there was a ball on the stairs where he stepped on.

    I was with him i was planning to give him in. that’s why i came with him also because i needed stitching on my head. But I also wanted to see his eyes what power i possessed over him. he looked me in the eyes, he knew he was screwed when the doctor started to ask me what the bleeding caused. i answered…

    My dad landed with his big butt on my head.

    He laughed.

    You either change someones life in a good way than change his life and let him be forever the bad guy. People are here to learn from eatch other. Not to ruin our life.

    In the end he never touched me again. Even when i decided to never go to the mosque.

    And that, my friends. is how you can change your life to your own will. If i gave up, he still was abusing me and perhaps i would be a ghost, not caring about anything around me and just thinking about how worthless my life is. Would end up killing myself

    I will make my own way of living. not letting others decide my life. I will stand for people who are right and knows justice.

    Guys i’m sorry for my very long true story, This is not even a half of a percent what happened on my life.
    stay strong, and if you think you’re to weak, then you are right. You are strong when you say you are strong and you are weak when you say you weak. Logic.

    And by the way, you have a great story.

    Cheers and manny luck in the FUTURE.

    P.S. Don’t forget to watch that “pusuit of happyness” movie!

    Worth it for -100% i mean -200% I mean, you know what I mean.

    I’m not english so sorry for my bad language.

    • Your story is very sad. Please stay strong and seek a path of truth and gentleness. Surround yourself with those who practice respect and strength of inner spirit. Learn to trust those who will not harm you; but raise you to realize your inate goodness which has shown you the truth throughout your young years. Truly again, there are good people in this world…you need not walk alone again. I’ve had experienced similar abuse in my family and have vowed never to inflict physical or emotional pain on my children…they will know love. They will know the safety and shelter of a parent who loves them, unconditionally. Continually feed their spirit with grace and love. Take care.

    • dude, you are a champ.
      i really love your tenacity and guts.
      it takes a lot, a whole lot, to want to carry on after all these people put you through.
      fuck, i dont know how you did it, but you did it.
      you are a fair dinkim hero.
      as for religion… you were born human. that’s it.
      religion is mind control for the masses.
      god doesn’t care if u go to mosque or not. just tell him thanks in your heart and continue to have courage and follow the inward truth.
      i hope you dare to dream. then i hope all those dreams eventuate for you.
      you know what *not* to do, so you are miles ahead for this.
      go for it and be free of all of the fuckers in your past.
      you create your new world.
      luv ya.

      ps. pursuit of happyness is a great flick!

  • first of all i want to thank you. as i sit here writing this there is a gun laying on the drawer next to my bed. i never thought anyone could feel the same way i do about life and i was going to end it all tonight, but your story touch me in a way i never thought possible. like you i have what others would consider a good life, sure im not the best looking guy in the world but i do have family that love me, and unlike many people in america i have a steady paycheck (even if its not my dream job), but i couldn’t figure out why i was unhappy. and then i realize it was because i didnt have friends, and tried to be more social but in the end i didnt make any. i even started to feel like i was getting on my family nerves bc i was always hanging around them all the time like i had no life. so tonight i decided to end it all but your story gave me hope. maybe there is still a chance for me to find people who will accept me for me. thank you for posting this i think im going to go put the gun away now.

  • Thanks for telling your story. I am going through a similar experience as I feel I do not fit life, like if life is a game whose rules I cannot understand and so I cannot live…
    However, I love to live… but do not know how… What a confusion on my mind…

  • It’s been sometime since you posted this, I know. But all the same, I’d like to thank you for doing so.:-)

  • In the last few years I have read hundreds of blogs.Two that stand out were by two bloggers I admired then and moreso now.Both ,also, wrote personal heartfelt stories of personal grief.I now add my admiration to you for finding the courage to write your story. May I someday find my own courage to write my story.

  • I know why you wrote this. It really meant a lot to me to see the evidence of someone who felt like me but made it through to the other side and is prospering. I often ask is it really possible that someone can change….and you are evidence that people can and DO.

  • Hi Steven,
    I don’t know if you even read this web comments anymore. Your story touched me. I have been reading your stuff for a while now and have gained enough trust to write to you. Right now I am under tears, ready to finish my Life! You seem to be a nice guy that has gone through “some mayor shit”. I have a long life story…..(and you wouldn’t believe me anyway)…but I don’t see any value in continuing to fight for this Life. I don’t know why I am writing you this, but I consider you a friend, for some reason, even tough I never met you in person. Please give me ONE REASON to continue to life….there is just no sense in doing things to continuously feed yourself to one day die…..forgive me for the negativity in this post. Wish you and your family the very best and nicest things that you deserve good friend. Thanks for your website. You are a “small Hero” but don’t know about it.
    Your friend, with Love,

    • Hi Pedro

      ONE REASON – Your Future!

      You don’t know it yet, but your future is so much brighter than you think, you are a different person in your future. Your future looks back on days like to day with sorrow, but also with a sense of humility as you know what it’s like to feel like this and can help others. Your future appreciates how much you touch other peoples lives, and thinks differently from today.

      Pedro, you have a choice! Right now you are in a crisis, and we don’t make good decisions in a crisis. Be comforted by the fact that you can end life if you want to, that’s great that you have a choice, but keep a hold of that choice for another day.

      Right now you have the ability to change things in your life, including the way you look at life – how you decide to look at life will determine all that you do. So let me ask you a question – How do you know tomorrow will not be better than today? and if you think you know, prove it to me!!!!!!!!

      • Hi Steve,

        I just wanted to thank you for your kind reply. I wasn’t expecting anything and yet your answer shows that you are a human with true interest in your fellow humans and that you are a deep thinker. I took a good sleep (of several hours) and have thought about your words….I cannot answer your last question or proof that tomorrow will not be a better today…it is just that, you are stuck in that route of thinking that, no matter what I do it is useless and worthless. I don’t see any reason to “do things”…I’ve had recently a series of problems that are really irreversible…so I don’t see the “light” at the end of the tunnel…I just want to go to rest. I am 40 years old, lived in 3 continents, worked as a volunteer in 4 War and famine ridden countries (learned and loved more from poor people that had lost their legs due to landmines and are an-alphabets than from University Professors that drive Bentleys…)…So it isn’t that I have not “lived stuff” (hiked volcanoes, crossed Nicaraguan jungle, have dived with sharks in the Caribbean, started companies, will now go bankrupt for the third time – but that is not what is bothering me – ah, before I forgot tried the whole “Religion/Spirituality” thing….Spent most of my Life reading thousands of books (LITERALLY! Amazon just loves me :-) because I could afford it and because I have a passionate love for reading….but now I am hitting a “barrier” in my mind where I just want to put and end to it all….I have no more illusions….my wife left me with my 3 year old Baby that i love soooo much….but I can only get back into the relationship if I accept her religious beliefs (a SECT!)…which I cannot…so, she moved away…..I am just tired of Life. Soooo tired. Again, sorry for “spilling my heart” with such negative thoughts in your wonderful blog.
        In Love and with deep appreciation,

  • Hi steven just wrote this before i found your site and i am going through
    hard time and i dont know what to do

    I am lost i don’t know where im going there is so much in my life that has happened. so much pain i feel stress i just want to be loved and wanted to feel like and person and not a wierdo. i want to scream to cry to let it out but im afraid of what people will think of me. i try to be strong to go on but im just so lost why am i so different for everone i don’t feel human like everyone i dont know i just feel different from everyone everyone i just dont know what to do and if i i’ll ever fine peace in my heart in my soul even

    • Hi James. The thing that helped me, which I didn’t find out until I woke up in hospital, was to develop an attitude of ‘Fuck it’. When I say that I mean letting go of other people’s opinions, letting go of your own opinions about yourself as they are without doubt the wrong opinions.

      Sometimes we get into a cycle of hating ourselves and feeling different, it’s called be extremely sensitive. We have to desensitize ourselves, first to thoughts we have about ourselves. That little voice inside our heads can take over, and it’s time to reign that voice back in and take control.

      If you come across a situation where you feel totally uncomfortable just say ‘Fuck it’, when you do this you are taking control of that little voice inside you. It’s all about letting go James, and you WILL learn to control your little voice that’s telling you that you are no human and that you are different from everyone else. You have a purpose James, it’s time to focus and find out what that purpose is. I know you will do it, but it’s time to start taking control just NOW.

    • I agree. fuck that. fuck them. get fuuuucked. three magical statements that get you into or out of any situation you find yourself fronted with.
      I lost a fiancee and a baby (unborn) in a motorcycle accident and felt so motherfucking miserable that I went to italy on a painting trip with an artist buddy, the best thing I could have done… beauty heals the soul! (to a point).
      I have a feeling you should grab a surf board and learn to surf, then put your energy into charging waves. Check out guys like Ross Clarke-Jones, Tom Carroll and Laird Hamilton. If anything will desensitize you to the bullshit it’s surfing.
      It’s a whole different realm. I traveled Indo for 4 years and went as hard as I could at bodyboarding… you get fit, you get in the ~zone~ you have heaps better sex coz ur as fit as fuck and you become more patient with people, you are able to *see*. The world orbits around you rather than the madness ripping at you.
      you’ve gotta use the force, take it into you, become it. it makes for easier living.

  • Steve,
    Thank you so much for sharing this story. My day was March 12, 2006. Moreover, thanks for sharing what you’ve learned through this site and giving back. A few things come to mind; desperation is a great motivator, and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    As long as we stay alive and keep fighting, there’s always a chance things will get better.

  • I’m crying. I love this blog. I remember when i was about 17-18 I had a very big problem I could not get around and i thought if I could end my life but i knew i never would do. And i never did :) I’m happy 😉

  • i shivered reading that. feel the same.stuck. i used to be confident and amazing. im now, as described by an ex-gf from my good past, as dead inside. my power button is off. too many family leeches. give give give.

  • This is a well written post that is clearly written honestly and from the heart. I believe suicide is a choice and people can make a rational decision to kill themselves. It is not up to others to judge what constitutes a good reason to kill oneself. The decision to commit suicide though can often be clouded by a persons current state of mental health and so is not something to be considered lightly.

  • This post has touched my heart. Last year my brother committed suicide. He did it with a gun. Had it all planned out, even putting his 2 dogs in a kennel. Sent an email to his estranged wife informing her where the dogs were, where the money was, etc.
    I guess he could see no other way. I am glad you fell out of the bed, and are able to share this story. Who knows how many people will stop and think now, just from reading this.
    Thank you,

    • Dear Steven,
      You are “Spot On” about all that you speak of. I too had the same life changing experience as you. I have spent the last 5 years reading and studying every book I can get on “Positive Thinking”, Physics, NLP, How the Brain Works, just about anything on human behavior available. So, at this point in my life I am currently writing a book on “The Science Of Thinking”, by “Unlocking the Mysteries of Our Brainwaves and How that Effects Our Relationships.” I have seen many, many web sites discussing The various Powers of the Universe, and I must say I believe, truly believe you are on the “RIGHT TRACK”. It is very obvious that you have done much research in presenting your thoughts and ideas and I commend you. I intend to follow you as closely as I can by sharing our thoughts, feelings and ideas. Thank you for sharing your LOVE with us all. I embrace your Grace and I am grateful for your GIFT!

      Richard Grant

  • Hi

    i cant tell you my name but what i can tell you is that i am in grade 8,
    my life is over now,you may think i am a nerd and keep on thinking that way.
    MY final report card came in today and i did horrible.My average was lower than 80(79.4).Today is graduation and i know that my friends are going to get awards but i am not and i just cant stand them getting awards without feeling that i am a stupid jerk.What should i do

  • I’m always so glad when people share their stories. I’ve been in similar situations before and stories like these really help to turn things around. My favourite saying which is similar to dropping everything and starting over is “When there’s nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire”. Your blog is really nice to read!

  • Sir at this moment I can relate what is going in my life with ur post, i have loving parents, very sweet brother, friends and relatives but still m not satisfied with myself n my life. I’m searching for a meaning for my life because it is becoming difficult for me to live like this without having or finding any meaning for my life.

  • I too have attempted suicide. It’s hard to describe just how low you can get. Where everything is just too hard. But I survived and am quite normal now. Happy even. Life does get better. I had an anti-depressant that helped me. They do work. Remember this – no matter how bleak things get, you will get through it. Have faith in that.

  • WOW! Powerful story Steve. To look at you now compared to them I am amazed and encouraged. Back in 1989 I was in the same place. I too took an overdose and I nearly died! It was then that I realized that nothing is so bad that it can’t be solved. I had tried running my life by the Rambo Method I called it. Where I tried to do everything myself, and that just doesn’t work. We need other peole to support us, people we can call on when we aren’t seeing life clearly. Thanks.

  • Thank you for sharing your story. I read it in floods of tears as I’m feeling just like that at the moment. I’m going to bookmark your page and refer to it, as it gives me hope that things will get better. I need to make some changes as I am unhappy with many things at the moment and have felt I have nowhere to turn. I’m glad I found your website. Thank you again.

  • Dear Steven,

    Your story is an inspiration to all those who have lost hopes. It’s so brave of you to allow everyone to peep into your life. There were times when I too used to feel very depressed & lonely when people who I thought were my best friends parted their ways and in spite of my sincere efforts didn’t even respond to just say “Hi” but thankfully due to my strong will power I have just overcome of all that depression. But I could never thought of ending my life. Life is too precious to be ended for those who don’t care for you once their purpose is solved. Life is to be nurtured and cherished to make a difference in the lives of those who love you in spite of…accept you as you are. God has assigned a particular role to each one of us and I think he wanted you to play a larger role, that’s why you survived that night. I am very happy that you have realized the purpose of your life and leaving no stone unturned in making others to realize their worth. Great !

    Your posts are proving to be very useful in bringing my life back on track and guiding in the direction where I want to see myself. Thanks.

  • I am so grateful I found this posting today. Yours is a story with no dateline necessary. 15 years ago my 22 year old son committed suicide. There are no words to describe how I felt. Oh, I assigned definitions to my pain: guilt, loved too much, didn’t love enough. Squelched the pain with vodka and more vodka. Paid no attention to my three living children. Entered rehab 5 times then, hopefully, my last drink in 2001. Separated from my husband, left my home and friends of over 30 years and all my “possessions” because my husband would not take alcohol out of the house. I happily remarried but we have taken some serious financial blows. I am 61 and unemployed. Today I saw your post on Daily Brainstorm and signed up for your Change Your Thoughts. A coincidence? I think not! Thank you!

  • Steven your story completely echoes my feelings at the moment!! Slightly freaked out. Replace the dog for a frail old man. I defo want to shake things up and start again.

  • A really touching story Steve and one that I certain so many people will associate with. That feeling of utter hopelessness and the guilt of having those feelings. You survived for a reason, one of those being for you to share your story so that it can save others.
    A dear friend of mine took his life last year. It was really upsetting, however, for me, I was already on the positive journey to enlightenment in my life, so it did not affect me as much as it might have done at a different time in my life.
    It’s worth mentioning that those left behind experience anger that they are left with the residue of the pain. I experienced that a little with regard to my friend. That is a painful and honest truth… and it is worth stating here so that people contemplating taking their own life can be aware of before making their decision, which is theirs and theirs alone.

  • Hey man. I think you wrote this post because you are aware that it means more than you think. As I sit here writing this, I am by myself seeing how far I can get into a 12 pack of Bud Light listening to Explosions in the Sky because earlier I was contemplating how I could possibly find where I fit in this world, and couldn’t come up with an answer. I have great friends and family, a great job, and almost endless opportunities at my fingertips, but I’m just not happy. However, no matter what my actions or words suggest I don’t think I could end my life, even though I have thought about it. I enjoy reading things like this because I know there are other people out there who rose from their weakest point and made something of themselves, possibly more than what they could have expected from themselves. I’m personally glad you made it to what you are, just so you could share this article. So, Thank you!

  • Steven,

    It must have taken a lot of courage for you to share this, I appreciate that.
    This blog testifies to how much you have improved since that night and gained in life. This is a motivating example for those who see life as a burden and can’t think of how to turn it around to find meaning, purpose and fun in it.
    More power to you.

  • Came to know about your blog from Nishant. He has translated your story in Hindi and put up for concerned audience.
    There is something in nature that stops you from going in wrong direction at the first place. Those are called symptoms. We tend to ignore them on one pretext or other. I have headaches if my stomach is upset. It is nature’s signal and I have to treat my stomach to get rid of my headache.
    We should pray to God to convey these signals more clearly.

  • Steven,
    Thankyou for sharing that story. I can relate about not feeling like I fit in. I came across your blog tonight and am reading your posts. I love the way you write and i am going to keep trying on that jacket until it fits into my life.



  • Hi Steve,

    I can only thank you for putting this on your site. I went through a similar (though obviously different) experience in 1992/93. I also planned for the ‘grand finale’ to be from a tall building but ended up using pills instead. The sad and horrifying thing with my story is that I was only 13 years old, and faced relentless bullying every day when I was in junior high school, specifically one group of kids.

    Though I muddled through my experience victorious and profoundly stronger than I was ever before, when I think back at those dark days it still makes me cry to think of how alone I felt. I knew I wasn’t alone, yet I couldn’t talk to anyone. At least I didn’t think I could. I wish I could have known that my parents would never have judged me for who and what I am. I can’t believe that after almost 20 years, I still feel like I was the most lonely child on Earth. It breaks my heart to know that kids are still bullied, to death sometimes. If only they could have known that one year later, none of it would have mattered. It would all have gotten better. And better. And better.

    Thanks for sharing :)

  • Hi Steve, the title of this article caught my attention as my colleague who is suffering from depression did commit suicide for several times. That’s why i can relate so much to your story. As a caregiver for her, i too struggle a lot to support her financially and emotionally. But i keep telling myself and her, and perhaps share with you too – ‘Everything will be fine in the end. If it’s not, it’s not the end.’ This quote keeps reminding me to stand still and hold on. And I’m glad that you have a happy life now. Wish everyone the same.

  • Your story had given me another hope. I had also got on a state of thinking of commiting suicide……..but I can’t. I’m only about to turn 17 but this “social Anxiety” that I’ve got seems to had already taken over my life. I tried to change circumstances by changing my self but its hard that no one around can help , because they don’t know my situation and i also got to this point of thinking of being betrayed by all, including my family. What’s quite funny for me but ironically also give this feeling of uncontrollable urge to cry is that I’m sitting infront of this computer trying to find ways to solve my problems while my family members just pass by and don’t know what kind of pain i’m going through right now.

    • Hi Rowan! Please talk to someone in your family! They just can’t guess what you’re going through! I recentely lost one of my brothers. We couldn’t guess! He was just so “normal” with everybody! We’re human, we can’t communicate through telepatie! So, please! just show something! Talk! Yell! You’ll see that there is a solution for each and every problem! Just say something! aloud, please!

  • Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been through a similar situation where someone very close to me tried to take his life. Although i know he has to want to change his life and take all the steps himself. I hope he can be strong enough in his life and i hope he will be ok ? I am there for him but i can not change the way he is thinking so i hope he is beginning to think and do more towards building himself up. I hope the help he received was the right help for him. Time will tell.

  • I just want to say that I recently discovered your blog from a friend and this post is very uplifting.I am 22 years old and at a point in my life where I feel like I don’t belong where I am.It seems like the odds are all against me and I feel no motivation to live but this post was very inspiring and just proves that every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.

  • Steve I echo this story. On New Year’s Eve 1999 I took a knife to kill myself after year upon year of everything going wrong including death, relationship break-ups, lost jobs, health problems and financial devestation. Gladly it was an epiphany and I, like you, took a different path to a more positive place. Suicide is a way out but facing the problems surrounding it is a way through. A truly glorious honest piece of work that I commend you for. Thank you, genuinely thank you.
    .-= John Sherry´s last blog ..The Treasures of Life’s Simple Pleasures =-.

  • Wow, this post has been one of the most powerful I’ve ever read. I couldn’t imagine the thoughts going through your mind. I’m very happy you’ve turned this traumatic event into a life changing experience.

    We can’t foresee how our decisions will effect others lives. When we break down it down, we realize that family and friends are the most dear to all of us. We have to fight for them, even if it means we live in turmoil. We have to bring joy to their lives, living selflessly.
    .-= Murlu´s last blog ..A Crash Course On Holding Your First Blog Contest =-.

  • Wow, what a powerful article, Steven.

    I agree with Maureen that your sharing was driven by God.

    I have just nipped over to peace4the Missing to read some of the comments. It’s amazing how this one article has touched the lives of so many and will continue to do so for some time.

    I bookmarked your site recently and because of the wealth of information that interested me, I decided to spend some time on your site today.

    2 hours later……still on it – May you continue to bless others as you journey on.

    Carole in the UK
    .-= Carole ´s last blog ..A Tranquil Place for Busy People =-.

  • Steven,

    If you don’t know why you wrote this then you need to take a look here:

    Your article was shared on Peace4 the Missing. You need to see the comments that were left for you there. These are people that are going through the worse nightmare, the worse ongoing hell that anyone could ever go through but they reached out to you, your words touched them.

    Your sharing was God driven, no need to figure it out!


  • Steve,

    I commend you not only for sharing but having the courage to share this deeply personal experience.

    You’ve gone from giving up on your life that night to making a difference in people’s lives since. I guess there is truth to the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

    Your “decision” to take pills instead of jumping off a tall building, you falling off the bed, your dad hearing it, even your sharing this experience, all of it has a reason, doesn’t it? We all have choices and we make them, some are made by our subconscious mind for what’s good for us.

    I’m glad – like every one of your readers – that you are still here 20 years later.

  • I have had a tough last couple of years, but luckily had support systems that kept me from falling completely apart. One thought that was useful to me in some of the toughest moments was “God would never give an obstacle he didn’t know I was capable of overcoming”. I am not particularly religious, but this thought was of help to me. Thanks for sharing.
    .-= Conor Neill´s last blog ..Overcoming Adversity? Aimee Mullins at =-.

  • Steven, I’m amazed by how much you have evolved since that night. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Like Dani said, it takes a lot of courage to write about something like this and I’m really proud of who you have become. I really look forward to knowing you better.
    .-= Celestine Chua´s last blog ..Poll: Should I Turn Comments On? =-.

  • Hi Sheila, welcome back to life, a little belatedly :)

    I think once we have gone down the road of taking action on ending our life, life can never be the same and fear, to a certain extent can disappear. Thank you so much for sharing part of your story, I appreciate it a lot.

  • Wow ! ! !

    That fall to the floor was divine intervention.

    I am here today because of divine intervention. I attempted to end my journey in Feb 2005 but before I set to the task I wrote a good bye email for my family and left it on the computer never sending it – so I thought. While I was “doing the deed” my brother 3 time zones away was awake and my email program sent the email to him – automatically. He called the cops in his city, then called my Mom to get my address because I can moved recently and she called the cops in my city and two officers were at my door to take me to the hospital just as I was about to “succeed” .

    Life is so much better these days. I took control of my life back and I am on “the journey” to stay. There are still hills to climb and plateaus to sit on and rocks to trip on but I pick myself up – dust myself off and carry on.

    • Sheila, hearing your story, I’m really thankful that the email program somehow sent your email over, and that your brother, mom and cops acted quickly to reach you. As you said, “divine intervention”. I’m really happy for you that you have taken control of your life since then and now you’re here to stay. Let’s all journey through the beautiful journey life together 😀
      .-= Celestine Chua´s last blog ..Poll: Should I Turn Comments On? =-.

  • Hi Steven

    To the best of my recollection – that is both the most moving, and most honest, post that I have had the pleasure of reading.

    I would call it brave, but it’s better than that; it reflects on you as a fantastic, ego-free and fear-free person. Which I’m sure is over-stating the case assuming you’re human! but hopefully you get my point.

    The contrast between the bottomless despair that you describe, and the peace of mind that is evident here, is truly inspirational.

    It’s a pleasure to have found your blog.


  • What a moving article and such a brave transparent step for you to take. Not sure I could do this if I were in your shoes. I will say that I can use this as another inspiring post to remind me it’s OK to be open and honest about who and what I am.
    Several yrs. (15) I experienced a mid-life crisis as I like to refer to it. Had everything as you mentioned and just walked away from it all, never looked back. I’ve not fully recovered from it yet and still struggle at times but it’s little reminders like this that I use to take it a moment at a time.

    Sounds like some powerful intervention took place from something greater than you. Glad you followed up by making changes.. sometimes starting over means beginning to live. A wise ole man mentor of mine once told me that, “we never really learn to live until we accept death as a part of living.” Then and only then can we begin to experience true happiness and learn to live.
    .-= lees shizzle´s last blog ..Being a Good Doggie ~ Guest Post =-.

    • Lees, this was actually a very scary thing to do and it took me a while to hit the publish button, but I am glad I did. Sounds like your mentor was a wise person indeed.

  • Steven, thank you for this. I am sure it will encourage many people to think again.

    Some years ago after my marriage had failed and I had lost my job, my flat, my children were taken by my ex-wife, and my church had fallen apart I went to Wales to walk in the mountains, and didn’t really expect to come back. In fact part of me planned not too. When I got to the top of The Skirrit, (also known as Holy Mountain) I watched the kestrels soar high and free, and then the wind violently came up. With my heavy backpack I thought I was going to be blown off the top, and in a moment of fear I realised I didn’t actually want to die, but rather just didn’t know how to live.

    Now, five years later I am happily remarried, my desire to know God is higher than ever and I am making a difference in a few peoples’ lives through coaching and training. It’s not always clear what is around the corner but I can confidently encourage people now to hang on and have faith in their Creator. Even since then, we have faced some significant challenges but now I don’t care – BRING IT ON!! beacause I have survived and thrived.

    It’s worth reminding yourself what you have come through to remember that you are far tougher than you think. You do have something to offer the world, everybody does and it is a case of having the faith to search for it. I did not enjoy those terrible lonely times but I now don’t regret having them because of what they have made me.

    God bless you with Him


    • Hi Doug, thank you so much for sharing your story here and it shows just how much one life can be turned around in a few short years. Thanks you for your kind words and encouragement and I would offer the same encouragement back in your business – keep going as you are nearly there.

  • Incredible. Touching. Powerful. And very brave of you to share this with your readers. I have never said this before but I am glad you fell off that bed and hit that floor hard enough for that sweet father of yours to save your life, and I hope that you have the best fitted jacket for the rest of your days. Great story, Steven.

      • Gosh I change my jackets, buy new ones, donate old ones, store some away for weeks or months or years and then pick them back up to wear, if that’s any indication of my drive to change, to grow, to keep it exciting and always unpredictable but I am always going to make it fit me!

    • HI Evelyn. Thank you for your words. I think people think that once you have made friends with someone you are friends for life, but as you grow, you can grow apart and leaving your friends should be natural but sometimes it has to be done in a sudden way.

  • Well now we are all crying but I think tears of happiness as well as sadness. I wish the stigma against depression was lifted and you had been able to talk about this. I have experienced it too but I thought it was normal and everyone felt that way. Depression does have a silver lining. Once you’ve been there you never want to go back and that’s a powerful lesson in the importance of looking after yourself emotionally and physically.

    Thanks for sharing this story with us. I think it’s a brave step and hope it will be a cathartic one too. You are so loved and wanted here and have really touched people round the world through your writing.

    • Hi Annabel. Thank you for your kind words. It seems that this is quite common which is a good thing in a way however, like you said, there is still a stigma around having these feelings and the whole area of depression. There was a good television campaign in Scotland with it’s headline ‘See me! Not the label’ which was great for raising awareness of mental illness. Even the word ‘mental’ has negative connotations.

  • Steve,
    Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing this deeply personal story. I’m sure you believe that you were kept alive for a reason. This is a story that many people need to hear, especially young people. So many people feel that life is meaningless. But the truth is that there’s a purpose to our lives. Again, thanks for sharing, and thanks for using your pain to teach people important life lessons.


  • Wow, Anastasiya, that is quite an accolade and I am truly grateful. You are right, we do have complete control of our lives, if only we could realise this. Thank you again.

  • Steven, this is the best, most personal, most useful and most unusual post I have ever read. You had a lot of courage to share it with all your readers and this just shows how much you have changed from that night.
    Thank you so much for sharing this story and the lessons that you have leaned. I am so glad that you are here today to tell this story and to prove with your own example that life is only what you make out of it. We all have complete control over our lives even if sometimes we think that we don’t.
    .-= Anastasiya´s last blog ..Is Vegetarianism a Part of a Balanced Diet? =-.

  • Steven,

    I really think that it took a lot of courage to write all of this for everyone to see. I don’t know why you decided to do that, but I admire it.

    I never thought of committing suicide, no matter how hard things in life were. Whenever I felt like my life was hard, I just thought of my family, friends and people who loved and cared about me. But there was something else, too – I will never forget a documentary (cannot remember the name, for the life of me) in which young children, ages 2-10 were sick and in hospital.

    They were so beautiful, just wanted to play, wanted to live a life. At the end of the documentary, all of them were asked to tell one wish. And guess what their wish was?

    Health. Health so they can go outside and play with their friends. A change at happy childhood.

    That’s what got to me. I felt so ungrateful even thinking about ending my life in one way or another – I was healthy, and there were so many sick children and adults who just wanted to be healthy.

    I completely agree with your last paragraph – there is not a problem in the world that cannot be solved. There are ways…

    Once again, thanks for the emotional post, and the courage it took to write it. Good luck!
    .-= CP ´s last blog ..Minnesota Man Dreams Of Career In Public Speaking =-.

  • emotions are so fickle that that alone is reason enough not to take your own life! trusting that there is impermanence in everything is both comforting AND depressing, but humbling. when things are bad, it will get better. life constantly shift, changes, and so do people along the way.
    .-= floreta´s last blog ..A Little More Zen =-.

    • Hi Floreta, it’s great saying that emotions are so fickle and nobody should take their own life because of them, however actually understanding that is a totally different thing. You are totally right, things will always get better, ALWAYS.

      Thank you for your words.

  • Dearest Steven, I am crying. Not because your story made me sad, but because I feel a great love for you dear friend. I am years older than you and if you were my son, I would be profoundly proud of you. I AM proud of you. The more I get to know you, the more you confirm for me what I saw in you the first time I read your blog and saw a photo of you. After hearing your story of your early life in school and then this story, I now understand the deep sensitivity I was felt in you. But it’s more than sensitivity; it’s a deep sincerity that you ARE, for you it’s not something that you try to be or “Act”. It’s who you ARE. But it’s even more than that. Your sincerity is so totally YOU, that you genuinely care about others. The path you have embarked upon is only the beginning. Your journey is going to take you to remarkable places, both within yourself and the world around you. You have stepped into BIG shoes and you will easily fill them. It’s what you were born to do.

    I will never forget your words here: “…the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.” Now THAT is a rip snorting powerful freedom-making insight. I can really use that right now as I move into my book coming out in the fall. I don’t have to follow anyone else’s path. I can carve my own creative and unique path…or make the jacket fit me. All my life I tried to fit the jacket and never did, Steven. Now I am trying to learn (out here in society) to make the jacket fit ME. I love that.

    I am so glad you are here Steven. Your kind heart is so badly needed. Your amazing experiences and human suffering allow you to understand others with compassion. Those experiences are not apart from you; they are part of you. I always knew that there was more to you than many might suspect. Now I know that what I sensed in you is so true. It’s beautiful.

    Good for you my friend. You are not only sincere and genuine but you are truly truly brave and gutsy. WOW!! GOOD FOR YOU!! YES!

    Many hugs,
    .-= Robin Easton´s last blog ..How We Shape Our World =-.

    • Dear Robin, you really do have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever felt and I thank you from the bottom of my tiny little heart.

      I laughed at your words ‘rip snorting powerful freedom-making insight’, actually laughed out loud, and I was reading your comments at work :)

      Robin, you are going to change the world with your book and I cannot wait to see you being carried along in your journey toward enlightenment.

      Thank you a million times and I graciously accept and reciprocate your hugs.

  • Hi Steven,
    I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and enjoy it so much.
    When I received this one, I felt your sorrow and I also was able to relate as I’m sure many people can. Thank you for sharing something so personal that deeply touched me.
    Life is precious and time goes by too fast. I get frustrated that I’m not always getting ahead the way I wish, especially with all the efforts I make to find opportunities and reach out.
    I try and shift my way of thinking into a more positive place in order to avoid feeling negative and push away fear. Being surrounded by the right people makes a difference. Being our own best friend is best place to start.
    Have a beautiful day and thank you again,

    • Hi Brigitte, I am really glad you enjoy the blog.

      Being your own best is a profound insight that a lot of people do not get in today’s social world and I thank you for saying that as I think it is really important.

      Thank you for your kind words Brigitte.

  • Thanks for sharing such a personal story Steven. I am sure you will help some people who are maybe feeling they are in a similar place and also a good reminder for everyone that you can always turn things around.

  • I applaud you for having the courage to share this personal story with the world. There are so many people who experience suicidal ideation or the underlying issue of depression (either circumstantial or chemical). So, your willingness to open up is bound to help someone realize that he/she is not alone.

    In most cases, I don’t think the fix is as simple as a momentary decision–but the important thing is that you’re a witness to the fact that it’s not unfixable. Nobody has to settle for existing instead of living. And the pain can end without ending a life.

    Thank you so so much for sharing this story. You are brave beyond compare.
    .-= Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..3 Simple Positive Thinking Techniques You’ll Love for Tough Times =-.

  • Steven,
    Look back at all of these comments. Look at all of the people you have touched and inspired with your story and the courage it took to share it. I hope you print these out and post them where they can remind you every day why you fell out of that bed. Your story reminds me of Eckhart Tolle’s early life. Sometimes you have to shake hands with death before you can really begin to live.

    I am so glad you are here to tell the story.

  • Steven, the outpouring of comments about your post shows how much it resonates with something deep within all of us, including me. Thank you, Steven, not only for sharing your very personal story, but for writing it about so honestly and eloquently. As I read the article I could sense the shift as you moved through your story – it really was like accompanying you through your retelling of your own dark night of the soul. Do you notice the pace of your last paragraph, when you share the changes you made? You are positively dancing through those steps, yet the changes you made to your life were built on the inner strength of self-knowledge and the deep awareness that results from facing inner truths and having the courage to act on them. Keep dancing this new courage and wisdom, Steven – we are dancing alongside you. Thanks and love from the mountains in Japan – Catrien Ross.
    .-= Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Blasting Mount Fuji to Bits – Does Live-Fire Artillery Count As a Spiritual Distraction? =-.

    • Hi Catrien. It has surprised me the reaction that readers have had to this post. That was also a great observation about the pace of the post toward the end. Thank you from the lowlands of Scotland :)

  • Hello, Steve, I read this on my blackberry and all I could think was to thank you for your courage to share this powerful story. We are living in times when many among us desperately need to hear that we are not alone in what we’re going through, and more importantly, that we always, always have a choice to turn our lives around. Sadness and depression are conditions that are misunderstood and often don’t make sense and when we’re caught up in it, it’s nearly impossible to see hope. This post is helping more people than you know. I’m glad you listened to your instinct. You’ve given us a gift here, my friend. Many thanks.

    • Hi Belinda, thank you for your kind words and for your support in general. It is bloggers like yourself who are making a huge difference all over the world and it’s such a great thing to have connected with you.

  • hi steve,
    this was so touching. I am glad it turned out for the better and as armen said there is one individual behind CYT.
    It took courage, guts to express yourself and it’s definitely helped people. all that kept staring at me in the face on yesterdays news was ‘Young people self-harming with sharp objects up 50%’. I just had to blog on it because i felt so uneasy about it.
    this story is a testimony that things can definitely take a turn for the better.
    take care
    p.s. i salute your bravery in dealing with friends who were just drinking buddies
    .-= ayo´s last blog ..Don’t Give Up On Life =-.

    • Hi Ayo. Thank you my friend. It’s hard to distinguish between real friends and drinking buddies and I suppose they were friends as well at the time, and one of them I kept in touch with as he was a real friend, but on the whole they were drinking buddies.

      I will check out your post Ayo, as it seems your are passionate about it.

  • Beautiful of you to share Steven. :) You’ll probably never know how many people, nor how deeply, you reached with it.

  • Don’t know why I bother commenting, none of them get posted. Any way, this gave me a bit more to think about. As I was/am considering doing this. I guess I don’t see how it would hurt the people that are supposedly close to me. I haven’t seen my son in years, or my mother, father well lets leave that one . So really who would I hurt?

    • Hi Renee. I have looked at your IP address and wanted to give you the following information:

      Phone: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
      Hours: 24 hours

      Crisis Line Association
      BC Crisis Line Association
      9815 140th Street Surrey, BC V3T 4M4
      604 584-5811 (Jackie)

      I hope you don’t think I am being cheeky I just wanted to help you in some way.

  • One of the hardest things I ever did as a manager was forgive myself following the death of a colleague. All of us searched ourselves for clues and actions that might have indicated why Eric took his life. I don’t think we ever believe the classic movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but it’s so true. We all make a difference by our existence and the losses we survivors bear still ache long after the person has gone.

    I am blessed to have also managed an inpatient behavioral health unit. I see these patients, so sad and broken, and I am grateful we have a chance to make a difference. I’m grateful they trust us to try.

    Thanks for sharing your story.
    .-= Mary K´s last blog ..Sparta Humor Very Similar to Healthcare Humor =-.

    • Hi Mary, thank you for sharing part of your story. It’s amazed me how many people have been affected by suicide.

      It’s great to see so many people, like yourself, making a difference to the world with the professions they are in.

  • Amazing! Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life. It’s a gift to us all to recognize that the the jacket can be altered. I especially like how you’ve identified for others a point in time during that period of your life where you recognized — for you in hindsight,but for others offering incredible foresight — that the jacket didn’t fit and you can alter it. I believe MANY are walking around in misfitted jackets — I know I have at various times in my life — and even if it hasn’t or may never come to the life-ending scenario you had the good-fortune to survive — reading this is an opportunity to see ones’ self and alter the jacket. Bravo Steven. Thanks!
    .-= Maggie Mae´s last blog .."We Are More Alike Than Different!" =-.

  • It was bad enough to be depressed, but recovering now as I am, goodness me I can understand why I was so miserable! Then sprinkle on some conformity to marriage, work, trends, and without even realizing it, all the conditions are there for much unhappiness and for some of us who already had poor socialization and social skills.
    .-= LISA TORRES´s last blog ..2 Groups Of People You Should Network With! =-.

  • Thanks for your insightful articles which are so inspiring. My life situation is such that i am broke and have no idea how to improve my situation inspite of all the information i have read on te web on how to manifest wealth. I am really getting desparate being a mother of four with one boy in college,another in high school with no certain means of income . The company i work for is facing financial crisis and has not paid salary for over one year. what i need right now is a financial miracle! Please help me.

    • Hi Jackie, I honestly wish I could help you. The only advice I could offer you at this very moment is to let go. You are clinging to the hope of money coming to you, but with attracting wealth you have to want it in your life but let go of the outcome, you have the want, but are still clutching to it so tightly that your wish cannot breathe. At this moment and time that might not make any sense at all, but if you get it, it will change the way you look at life.

      I wish you everything you wish for yourself Jackie. Take care.

  • Oh Steven,
    My God I wish i lived close by..i wouldve come over and given you a massive hug. I am so glad your dad found you in time…otherwise there would be so many things that you’re experiencing right now(the good things) you would never have experienced. The love the life the children….But your decision to change life to suit you…its just miraculous.
    I seriously want to come and hug you fro being the bravest Guy ever! Your sharing this shows just how much you have healed…and now this WHOLE YOU is out to heal others…Its just amazing to see how much life can change is we CHOOSE to change it. Nothing is impossible. Youre living proof ! :)
    We think ..this is our life..and we can choose to do what we want with it…but we tend to forget that we are connected to so mnay people…family freinds etc…..we fail to see how they will survive this huge loss.
    Recently one of my cousins hubby, young 34yrs, committed suicide…my cousin was 8 months pregnant at the time…I have seen how much it broke her…and their family.
    Big hug to you for being the bravest bravest Guy!
    Much Love,

    • Hi Zeenat, I got your hug :)

      We are connected to so many people and it’s amazing how many people are affected by our life, if only we could realise this. I realise it and you realise it and we are looking to help others to realise it to and you are doing such a brilliant job of it.

      Thank you so much for your kind words and support as always.

  • Hi Rakesh, thanks for your kind words I really appreciate yours and everyone else’s comments and stories on this post and I so hope they help others to create a change in perspective.

  • Hi Steven
    Thank you for writing this. It’s great.
    Through your words you have accomplished a deed that’s truly remarkable. This is, in my mind, a perfect exanple of ‘leading by example’. With this one courageous deed of putting yourself out there for complete scrutiny, you have demonstrated your immense courage. My congratulations to you for this very noble act. Your story is inspiring in more ways than you can imagine.

  • Daniel, that is quite a story and I am so glad you and your brother are thriving in website design.

    I think you are right in that we all have a duty to make ourselves happy in life and when we find it, help others to see the happiness out there.

  • WOW! this is wonderful story which has created an awareness in everyone’s life. Your story is similar to that of mine, as even i had to face many problems in the life from my childhood.

    I lost my parents in an accident and was helpless with my brother, we never had any food to have on those days, we use to starve for a long time.. the one time meal was also difficult to get. On those days we both decided on to live because as we were small children we felt lonely, we had no one to held us… One day we met a old person who took us to the orphanage and left us their, they provided us with free food , eduction and etc.. We completed our eduction in scholarship by scoring good marks. Now I am leaving a happy life with my brother.

    I appreciate your courage and bravery for making up your mind to a live a happy life with your family members.

    From your story i have learn’t a moral moral that each and every person in this world should be happy with what he has and also make others feel happy.

    • Hi Alex. There is so much to life that it’s hard to understand why anybody would want to take their own life. Thinking of suicide is when we can’t see what’s out there for us, we are to busy looking inwards and concentrating on dark inner side of us rather than seeing the whole of our inner selves which helps us with the outer self.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing part of your story.

  • hi steve well done for letting that out if it was bothering you on the inside its always better to share it”let it out in the open”and that helps put your mind at peace.i to done the same thing in m car because of extreme panic attacks i was having after becoming sober from drugs.i went to a place in my car where i taught nobody would find me and took an overdose but it wasent my time to go altho i was dead on arrivel at the hospital a ploice car spoted me as they drove by me if they had of been 2mins later i would not be here,from then on in i knew i had something different to do in life and thats when i found self help,meditation realizing im one with the universe as energy,and es there is help out there in peoples time of need when they think its all over dont do what i did i was selfish and so was steven but at the time you dont think like that,there is always some one worse of than you are and there is lots of help you can get even just by reading steves blog is a big help if your feeling that way.
    lots of peace and good health steve and well done for sharing respect.
    and are you starting to notice all the positive things happing at the moment now with more and more people realizing how we can motivate each other just by positive and loving thinking or meditating on are energy’s.

    • Hi Joe. Thank you for sharing part of your story. It’s great that there is a community safe enough and trusting enough to talk about something like suicide.

      Thank you for your honesty and your words Joe, I really appreciate it.

  • Steven,

    Wow, what a powerful post. It took a tremendous amount of courage to share this story. By doing this, perhaps you will reach somebody who is in a similar state of despair and cause them to think twice.

    My guess is that most people can really relate to this story. While not everybody has gone this far, I’d be very surprised if anybody said that they had not at least thought about doing something like this at some point in their life. I know I have had 3-4 times in my life when I went to bed and thought that I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up the next morning. Life can get really, really difficult at times.

    But like you said, you can always change your life to suit yourself.

    Thanks again for having the courage to share this story. I really believe you are going to reach one or more people who will read it at a time when they really need to hear what you have to say.
    .-= Greg Blencoe´s last blog ..Benefits of drinking water =-.

    • Hi Greg. Thanks for your honesty, it seems that these thoughts are actually quite common, which is good for others to know. You’re right, life can get difficult and I guess that’s what makes the person stronger; being able to deal with it and come out at the other end.

      I hope someone reads this and has a change of perspective. Thanks Greg.

  • Thanks for sharing your story. It amazes me how everything happens for a reason. I just returned home after traveling out of state with my best friend so I could support her in saying goodbye to the love of her life. Her love took his life last week and the grief and loss felt by his family, children, friends and loved ones was beyond measurable. He kept his pain so hidden and felt like a burden to everyone. If only he had asked for help. I happen to work in suicide prevention and this was the first time I truly understand the pain that suicide causes. Your experience reaffirms my work…thanks for choosing to share this difficult experience with us.

    • Hi Kris, thank you so much for sharing that with us, it shows the other side of suicide – the people that are left behind to deal with the emotional trauma.

      I am sorry for your loss Kris and would like to thank you for taking the time to write your comments.

  • When people suffer from severe depression, they are almost locked in a trance state – the feelings of pessimism, hopelessness and worthlessness overcast everything else and the person might feel that the only way out is taking off the jacket for good. Seeking professional help and treatment may help some and yet in others even that support might not be enough to prevent a disaster from taking place. Also empathy and professional advice might not change anything because the logical brain can’t see logic then. The right emotional brain can still be reached by stories and use of metaphors such as yours. Thats when something inside can begin to shift and the person might start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. And that could be the beginning of a new life…

    What a powerful post and sharing of priceless life lessons learnt the not-so-easy way. You never know how many lives you may have changed because of listening to that little voice. Thanks, Steve!
    .-= Rani Bora´s last blog ..Create your most meaningful “Do, Be and Have” list (and live it), before time runs out! =-.

    • Hi Rani, thank you for such a wonderful comment. The feelings of despair whilst in a state of depression can be hopeless and no amount of talking can help, it takes a shift of perspective and that’s exactly what happened when I awoke in the hospital, I have never suffered from depression in the 20 years since that day.

      • i do not agree entirely with u guys. i am in a situation where i have 2 girls, i am working full time at home and at office. no financial help 4m my hubby as he is out of work. pressure is so much i feel like ending it all. Thoughts of my girls hold me back. End of my patience?????

  • Dang Steve! – When I get your mails I can’t tell if it’s a guest post until I click through. So having read the post I wasn’t expecting it to be your story. But why shouldn’t it be? Our experiences, like us, come in different shapes and sizes. People will see themselves in you and realize that they were not isolated freaks for going through the same thing. I did and struggle with it today…..yeah, cheeky ol’ me!

    But it’s part of life’s tapestry and life doesn’t operate in straight lines , more like hills and troughs, so reminding folks every now and then that they are not alone by sharing these stories is brave and a good thing. Very cool in my books.
    .-= Coach Rosie´s last blog ..The Jacksons Skive =-.

    • Hi Rosie. There is only ever guest posts on a tuesday :) so no need to guess any more.

      Thanks for your words as always, straight from the hip which is one of the great things about you. Thanks as always Rosie, you’re a star.

  • Just wanted to say a big thanks Steven for this moving post. It was especially poignant in a week in which I heard an old friend had taken his own life. He was only in his forties, separated with two kids and none of us can really believe it. He was bright, warm and passionate, full of life. A lovely guy. I think he got caught in that downward vortex that some are unable to escape. He will be much missed and warmly remembered.

    The news has in some ways helped give me find a new perspective on my own troubles after a year of real struggle and a new determination to find greater happiness and success but without creating impossible expectations or succumbing to destructive self-criticism and perfectionism. To learn to truly value what I have, the really important things: a loving partner and parents, freedom, choices, opportunities. We all have to find courage if we choose to follow our dreams, but accept the path may be strewn with many obstacles and sometimes true happiness isn’t ‘out there’ anyway but is already within each one of us if we learn how to look.

    Warm wishes to you and all those out there fighting life’s daily battles.

    Jason, London

  • Life is mysterious isn’t it? All the raw materials for whatever we want to experience are always there for us, but our perception becomes narrowed. What might begin as a grove we move in can quickly become a rut so deep that we can’t see over the sides of it. And all that raw material that we could use to manufacture the life we think we’re missing–goes unseen.

    Sometime we need to stop walking in our habitual grove and climb up a bit to peek over the walls we’ve built. The view is gorgeous. We might even be tempted to climb clean out :-).

    A brave article to write Steven,

    .-= John Rocheleau – Zen-Moments´s last blog ..Satisfaction For Sale =-.

    • John I couldn’t have put it better myself “……become a rut so deep that we can’t see over the sides of it…”

      There’s two very important points in your comment and that is

      1. Knowing that there are materials to help us
      2. Knowing how to use them

      As soon as we realise that we have to have faith to know that the materials are there then we will also develop faith to know that we will be taught when the time is right. I wasn’t patient enough and that’s something I recognise now.

      Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I have read a lot of your comments on others blogs and always respected you as a wise person.

  • Steve my respect for you has just increased. I remember having sometimes that I felt a bit like that though I never went as far as you did. The deeper the dirt we dig out of the stronger our roots are. Because you went through that you can now help others. Surviving forced you to become strong. Thank you for sharing that.
    .-= Justin Dixon´s last blog ..A Full Body Workout in 15 Minutes a Day =-.

  • This is such a powerful and uplifting story Steven. Thank you so much for sharing it.
    Two things impress me so much.
    1. In that extremity you so graphically describe, you had the courage to listen to your inner voice. In our busy culture that internal wisdom has a hard time getting through to us — but I believe it is always there for us if we will be still enough to listen.
    2. You had the steadfastness and determination to not only set your sights higher but follow through on a new vision, a new sense of possibility without ever looking back. Just loved the story. Incidentally I had a similar experience of a Dark Night when at age 63 a spiritual community to which I had belonged for 35 years suddenly dissolved following death of the leader – I had to come back into the world alone and with virtually no material resources to help.
    Every good wish in your ongoing endeavor to be of true service in this world.
    .-= christopher foster´s last blog ..Healing into wholeness, grace — and new friendships =-.

    • Hi Christopher, I am glad you found your way in the world and hopefully you are coping better now?

      Thank you for sharing your story with the CYT readers and I think a lot of people would love to read your blog.

      Thank you for connecting again Christopher.

  • Thanks for sharing those personal moment.
    And I completely agree with part of if everything goes wrong, you can just start over. It is never easy, but when you are alive, there’s still hope.
    Will continue to follow this blog for more great post! 😉

  • Thanks for sharing this. I have thought about taking my own life and I too realise that that is not the solution. I am doing this exact thing now, which is starting over. I really hurt my fiance and now I realise my attitude was making us both unhappy. There is too much good in life despite the negatives to give up. Thanks again for your articles.

  • Extremely powerful and courageous act of you to share your story. There are, I imagine, thousands upon thousands that you will be helping, both now and in the future, through sharing this information. Thank you, Steve, for sharing your journey and helping so many people.

  • Steve
    Your comment that you would always regret what you did is one that I question.
    That you feel bad that you caused pain to your loved ones.
    Perhaps you could accept that this whole incident was part of a greater plan.
    That feeling bad and always having regret is something to give yourself
    permission to let go of.
    If one falls and scrapes their knee to bleed, the body heals to a scab. The scab falls off and the knee is healed.
    You have been emotionally healed because you are alive. Your aliveness
    shares and helps the rest of us.

    • Hi Kazine, what a great thing to say and a great way to look at life.

      I don’t regret doing it for myself, as I have grown beyond belief because of it, I regret having to put my family through this in order for me to grow.

      Thank you for a great comment.

  • Like Matt, I never usually comment on blogs, but if I do it is because it has been powerful and had moved me in some way. You show that there truly can be a light at the end of the tunnel – and it isn’t a train! An inspiring blogg as always, and really appreciated. Thank you Steven

  • Hi Steven,
    It’s a complicated story, but my best friend killed herself and her daughter.

    I was the last person she spoke to.

    10 years later, I can rationalize the reasons and understand her motivation but I will always feel the hole in my heart and wonder if I could have been more loving and helpful.

    One sentence which has stuck with me is: “Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.”

    As her friends (the survivors) still try and cope, we have made changes in our lives. Some have positively impacted many other families of children with severe disabilities. We feel good about that–that is the legacy of her sacrifice, the blessing of her story.

    Your story is also a blessing which will impact others. Nothing builds trust more than sharing your vulnerabilities. God Bless.

    • Hi Mary. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through, especially as it was a mother and a daughter.

      That really sums up what suicide really is to other people and I think it is a true statement.

      I am really touched with all the personal stories and also the support, I was expecting a lot of people to really condemn this.

      Thanks you for your comment Mary.

  • What courage it takes to tell your personal story…and what an inspiration you are to others! So glad you found your way and that you Changed Your Thoughts and changed your life!!! Best to ya!

  • WOW! its a wonderful story and i am very much inspired with your post. And i am impressed with the word “drop everything and start again”, which is a good moral in any ones life. I was also impressed comparing life with the jacket. And i appreciate for your courage and a right decision taken in life.

  • Short comment: Thank you :-)

    Long comment: I had those thoughts too but never been that close to actually do it, like you were. Sometimes I think it’s an act of cowardice not to “pull the trigger” like you did. I don’t really know if there are only parts of us that needs that “killing” in order for something better to grow, but I’m glad you took this out in the light. Because it’s in our lives more often than we want to accept. We all have this kind of thoughts, but very few have the guts to admit it. Suicide, by its perceived emptiness and lack of consciousness, may look like a viable solution for many of us. We don’t have problems anymore, we don’t have consciousness, we’re nothing. Black out. But, despite its apparent comfort as an ultimate solution for all our problems, I always suspected this isn’t exactly like this. And you confirmed it to me, in a way you’ll never know 😉 So, thank you |:-)
    .-= Dragos Roua´s last blog ..The 6 Stages Of A Failure =-.

    • Hi Dragos. I think you are absolutely right: Some people need to be near the moment of taking their life to realise it’s not that bad and others have to survive it to realise it’s not the answer, however it’s the one’s who do succeed that can never get back what we have learned.

      I think the most comforting thing about the thoughts is that all my problems would disappear without any intervention from me. Now, I realise that my problems are MY problems and I have control over them to a large degree.

      I am glad this helped in some way Dragos.

  • Hi Steven,
    I would like to thank you for your openess and the guts it must have taken to commit your thoughts to this site. I have tears in my eyes right now because I can identify with almost everything you have thought. I would not go the extra step because I am torn by love for my innocent and wonderful girls, but do not feel the same for myself, so the pressure gets intolerable only less so lately, y’know? EVERYTHING, almost everyone I have associated with since childhood are not the people I thought they were. It was bad enough to be depressed, but recovering now as I am, goodness me I can understand why I was so miserable! Then sprinkle on some conformity to marriage, work, trends, and without even realising it, all the conditions are there for much unhappiness and for some of us who already had poor socialisation and social skills, it does beg the question on the rare occasion, whats the point? One thing I have never had but am daring to trust in now however, is faith. Not God as such, but that that the universe knows better, that we are all here for a reason and as I can relate to that, I hang on – just about. Not matter how many times I turn to it, vodka never does annihilate the void BUT a tiny spot of faith is starting to kick in and PEOPLE like you, undiscovered people who have been there, done that, struggled beyond belief, MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
    And there are those who just radiate positivity naturally, they are important too. So what is the point of my comment? I think to say it was a powerful moment, reading your words, and knowing that all the change thats going on in my life, however painfully and labouriously slow, is happening for a damn good reason. And the reason? To live, love and succeed, of course.
    Thanks for a big shove in the believing department. :)

    • Hi Annette, you are a brave woman sharing your story with us as well. I think it’s fair to say that is hard even admitting to something like this.

      One thing I have found useful over the years in dealing with emotions is distancing myself from them. Whenever I feel angry, sad, upset about something and I don’t want to own the emotion, I picture myself stepping out of the emotion and looking at it from a distance. I don’t know if that will help you in your situation.

  • Steven,

    Your story resonates with me for reasons I won’t go into extreme detail about. Suffice it to say that my life took a detour 21 years ago, and the breakthrough/comeback I’ve hoped and worked for since then still hasn’t manifested. There have been times I’ve entertained the idea of the sleeping pill exit strategy, but I still believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that good things will happen again, even if for only a few years instead of decades in my life. Though I will get up tomorrow and go to the same entry-level job I had to take 21 years ago after my dream job was gone, I will still look for a better situation and believe that that phone call will come or that person I need will show up. No matter what, I won’t short-change myself out of my tomorrows.
    .-= Clint Thomas´s last blog .. =-.

    • Hi Clint, thanks for sharing part of your story. Whilst I don’t know what your situation is I would advise instead of waiting for the call to come – make the calls to the people you need to, don’t wait on them ringing, don’t wait on the right person coming along, go and look for them yourself.

      I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for Clint.

  • Steven: Thank you so much for sharing this post. It really drove home the point for me that anyone can choose to change their perspectives and literally change the way they experience life. I think it is a reality that everyone goes through challenging times and these times all happen for a reason. The question always becomes how do we manage through these times and what are the lessons that we takeaway that allow us to move forward. You are such an amazing and inspiring example of how you really can (as you say) change your thoughts and change your life. It is so much easier said than done and it is so important to see other people successfully doing this. Thanks again for this post.
    .-= alternaview – Sibyl´s last blog ..One Little Secret We Should Know if We Really Want to Do Something Well =-.

    • Hi Sibyl. These tough times do happen for a reason and I am so glad I am here to share it and I am happy to have met people like yourself who are walking the same path and helping others in life.

  • Hi Steven, I can hardly see to type this because I’m crying now. This is such a powerful story, and you are so brave to share it, and I’m so thankful that you listened to your gut instinct to do so. Situations like yours have a profound impact on all involved, and I think we need to talk about them (when we are ready to do so). Early on in our marriage my husband and I had a housemate who tried to end their life. My husband took our housemate to hospital and thankfully they survived. Once we were all past the immediate situation, it was extremely hard for my husband and I to talk about what had happened, but it was important for us to do so. One of the things to come out of that was that we never let a day go past without us saying that we love each other, because we have such a strong appreciation of life. But now I wonder if you are ready to talk to your family about this? In the meantime, thanks again for sharing your powerful story, I admire your courage.
    .-= Topi´s last blog ..Believing is seeing =-.

    • Hi Topi. I think we, as a family, family did speak about this in time and in our own way. The one thing they were surprised at was how I had totally changed almost the next day. I was so sure of what I had to do in life and how to change it that they supported me.

      It must have been hell for your husband going through that. Thank you for your words Topi, I really appreciate them.

  • Steven,

    I think it was very brave of you to share such a personal story with all of us. Sometimes we have to reach the bottom before we can start to dig our way out of our situations. I’m glad that your father woke up when he did and was able to save you. And, I’m really glad that the attempt wasn’t successful so that you are able to share your experiences and insights with all of us.

    .-= Karen´s last blog ..One Sure-Fire Way You Can Start Your Emergency Fund Today =-.

    • Hi Karen. I think you are right, it does take us to reach rock bottom before we can dig through life again with eyes anew. Thank you for your words, I appreciate them.

  • Steven,
    Thank you for the courage you shown to write this post. Although you said you didn’t know what made you write this, I believe God wanted you to share your story because maybe at that moment when you wrote your story, someone read it and it made a difference in their life. I have come close many times of wanting to end my life as I struggle daily with Bi-polar depression. My grasp on reality is rooted in knowing that the Lord loves me. I know he loves you too as he has compelled you to share your story.
    Blessings always,
    Chris Stonecipher
    .-= Chris Stonecipher and Friends´s last blog ..Special Olympic Athlete Accepts Award =-.

  • Steven, this is such a powerful post. The part where you said that your dad saved you was the part that I found was unbelievable. I see this as a calling and maybe waking up in the hospital the next day, something was telling you that you needed to live and that you needed to be here. There’s a reason for your existence and I think most, if not all, of us go through life asking why we exist. And although we might not find an answer now, we might find it later. I think just the reasing for finding that answer is willing to live for. Thanks for sharing such a personal story of yours with all of us here.
    .-= Hulbert´s last blog ..Tony Robbins and Why =-.

    • Hi Hulbert. It was amazing that my dad found me. It would have been hellish for him to see his son like this and I hope I never have to go through that in my life, but he did save me. It’s cheesy but I have been given a second chance and I haven’t wasted it.

      I think we all ask why we exist and, as you said, there is always a reason. Thanks for your kind words Hulbert, I appreciate them.

  • that’s kind of you to post such a beautiful story. Despite the fact , you had a better life, you want to die . I don’t know , why same feeling surronds me but I feel my life as a waste. I am born to do something special, something meaningful and at present, my direction is not fixed. I am a student right now, and learning is one of the most passionating(interesting) things for me , but still , I figure out that there’s something lacking in my life. Success, Motivation, Desires, don’t know what

    • Hi Ashish. Thank you for sharing, I am glad you left a comment.

      I would urge you to try and look at the larger part of the picture just now, and I mean literally. Imagine your life and you shoot up into the sky and can see your life from a birds eye perspective. Look at the parts of your life you are unhappy with, now look at the direction you are going in and where it is headed – where do you see yourself? do you like it?

      Ashish, there’s always a choice and if you don’t like something in your life drop it from your life.

      You will eventually figure it out. Take care.

  • Hello Steven,

    Wow ! Your story touched me deeply and my tears were hanging in my eyes by reading this. Just as you, my son did the same thing and wanted to quit living. Your story is very familiar to me; totally understand where you are coming from. You have come a long way from that time. I can only applaud you for your achievements. You have a lot to offer to the World. Glad you became a strong man that can tell the World now, hey, life is beautiful and worth the effort to better yourself. Live in happiness for our families, surroundings and more. Thank you for sharing a good portion of your heart, I am sure it was not easy to write this, but you done it!
    .-= ZuzannaM´s last blog ..TALL MOUNTAIN =-.

    • Hi Zuzanna. Thank you for sharing a part of your story. I can’t imagine how a mother would feel when her son does something like this. My mum now knows how happy I am in life and that period of life is over and she also knows I regret putting her through that, but I guess there will always be a part of her that asks ‘why?’

      Thank you for your support and encouragement over the last few months.

  • None of us can know the up with out the down, the light without the darkness our response to these situations makes us who we are. It makes all of us stronger when one of us gathers the strength and courage to overcome these situations and realize that in the next moment our lives can change for the better. Thank You.

    • Thank you Andy. You’re absolutely right, the dichotomy of life means we are constantly learning, it’s when we stay at one end of the spectrum too long that things start to go wrong.

  • What a gutsy, beautiful, empowering story. And what an inspiration.

    There are many people who reach that dark night. I know I did once. I went so far as to work out a plan but didn’t follow through. I was helped in that regard by a phone call from a friend who intuitively knew I was in a dark place.

    The following morning I realised that in what some would consider the weakest moment of my life I found deep down inside of me a strong core and at the rock bottom place I also found an unexpected gift – an incredible sense of humility.

    I would not wish such a night on anyone but as you discovered Steve there is such richness to be gained by coming through and out the other side.

    Thank you Steve

    Go Safely

    • Hi Leonie. Thank you for sharing part of your story. Isn’t it wonderful the stories we hear of serendipity and how a phone call can save us, as it did you. I am glad you came out the other end, I get the feeling your life has changed because of your dark place?

  • First of all, thank you for sharing that. I recently got really shot down for telling a true story about my love life, I even wrote a book about it and for some reason the love of my life has made me feel so worthless, I can honestly admit that at times I have had those feelings of wanting to end my life. But then I thought, He is just one person, although I still suffer very much with my hurt, I am still going to move on and continue my online relationships. My writing has brought me here and I will not let my readers down. You are a very brave man and even though we don’t know each other, I send you a hug.

    • Hi Butterfly, thank you for visiting and leaving a comment I really appreciate it.

      It can be hard opening up and hopefully when we do it, it is met with the spirit with which it was intended. I hope your healing is swift.

    • Hi Steve, Thanks for your comments I really appreciate them. Again, Like Jonathan above, you have lit up my browser with your posts and have taught me a lot over the last year or so, so thank you Steve.

  • What a heavy story Steve, I could feel your despair. I commend you for the courage it took to write this. I know that thinking about it probably touched a lot of painful anchors, that’s not easy to do.

    Where you’ve come since then Steve, the life you live, the message of personal growth and hope you share – all these speak volumes to anyone feeling like life isn’t worth living. I am certain that sharing this story has provided someone with exactly the help they need.
    .-= Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Fear Lessons from a Bear, Rattlesnake, & New Yorker =-.

    • Hi Jonathan. It’s people like yourself that have made the world a better place to live and a joy to be alive. I still don’t know why I wrote it, but maybe you’re right, someone somewhere will read this and it will help them.

      Thanks for your support, encouragement and friendship.

  • Wow. It’s my first time here and you definitely left me shocked :O!

    I like what you say about dropping everything and starting again. I’m very happy with my life but I always take big risks. Best case: I’m the king of the world. Worst case: damned, but can start again. Knowing that, and knowing we have the means to stand up and get back in track is the most powerful thing there is :)!

    Thanks for the inspiration!

    • Hi Mario, welcome to CYT :)

      It might sound a little simplistic ‘just start over’ but it is, like you said, powerful to know we have the choice to start over.

      Thanks for dropping in Mario

  • This was an incredibly moving post. I don’t ever comment on blogs, but when I do it means something to me. Keep making life work to your standards!

    • Hi Matt, thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, I really appreciate it, even more so as you don’t leave comments that often. Thanks for the encouragement.

  • Steven,

    I am so glad I came upon your story. I honor your courage to share it. I really feel it is through sharing who we really are – which includes our most vulnerable moments – that we can benefit one another.

    It is easy to share the joys and what looks “pretty”. It takes courage to share our darkest moments. And yet isn’t that where our strengths often emerge from? Clearly, you decided to make it a defining moment and made life changes.

    We do make the DECISION to live. Sometimes when I work with people who are severely depressed I remind them that depression is like a dark hole that you never feel you will emerge from, but you can – and do!

    Did you by any chance read Beautiful Boy (the father of a meth addict). The author was afraid to publicly own what was happening in his own family. He finally wrote an article for the prominent paper he worked for. The outpouring – and appreciation that he would address what so many people were suffering through silently – was like an avalanche. He then had the courage to write the book.

    Eckhart Tolle also talks about his being on the edge of suicide when he had an awakening.

    Your story gives me the courage and inspiration to be more real in sharing my own life experiences. They have helped evolve the totality of who I am today!

    Thank you so much,

    • Hi Lauren. Thank you for your words.

      I haven’t come across ‘Beautiful Boy.’ I have read that Eckhart Tolle was on the verge of suicide and that he came through it with an epiphany like experience.

      I haven’t read your blog before but have bookmarked it for future reading.

  • Thanks to your dad for hearing the bang on the floor because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to share yourself and your story to help others. We are all grateful.

    • Hi Mary, The good thing that has came out of this is that I tell me family every time I speak to them that I love them, more so my mum and two sisters but I have told my dad on many occasions as well :)

  • Hi Steven.

    You are real strong now. Who would point out something like this? Very few people would even think to. It’s easy to look at it from our view as a potent article, but it is completely different to choose to write it and then write it. It makes us stronger just to read it.

    One aspect we see is CYT, and CYT would not be here without one individual. We see CYT as a strong presence, and have to remember the strong individual behind it.

    I have told folks “Steven Aitchison from Change Your Thoughts said [X] and [Y]” sometimes. I say it in a way that leads folks to assume that I see you as a powerhouse.

    Many people have thoughts similar to the ones you had, and some acted as you had, but so few will mention it at a later time.

    “the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket”

    You lose nothing when you mention something important like this, but some of us will see this and then still keep our important things hidden. Maybe it is needed that we get that feeling that we can’t help but point them out.
    .-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Team Up With A Partner To Make Progress =-.

    • Armen, I can’t begin to tell you how much I have appreciated your support and writing over the last few months. I really appreciate your kind words. You are right in that I am strong, always have been, I just didn’t realise it at times, just like so many others as well.

  • Dear Steve, you are a delight and I am so glad you are here. Your writing on your blog- and now you- are important to me (way down in Australia) . Thanks heaps for sticking around and for your bravery in posting this!

  • Steven,

    Thats an intensely personal story and it can’t have been easy for you to share it. I am obviously glad that you survived the experience and that you have turned your life around so profoundly since then.

    I was gratified that you had the strength and self-awareness to write this line:

    “I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having to put my family through something as awful as this just because I didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.”

    This struck a chord with me as a friend of mine took his own life about ten years ago and the effect it had on his family and friends was absolutely devastating. It really is harder on those left behind. I remember someone telling me about how sad and angry he felt about how he had missed out on everything that had happened since the suicide. All the births, marriages, good times etc that he could have been a part of…

    You are right that there is help available and that that your circumstances, no matter how grim they appear right now, will change. No-one should be choosing this way out – no matter how bad it seems, we don’t want to lose you.

    Thank you for writing this article and sharing your story of how there is always a way back – even from a situation as dark as the one you were in.


    • HI Gareth. I will always regret doing what I did because of the pain it caused to my family so I know where you’re coming from with regards to your friend.

      Thanks for commenting Gareth and sharing a part of your own story.

  • Steven, Thank you for sharing your story. It is truely incredible that you eventually realised what your issues were.

    I too, went through something similar. I was not happy with life or the life that I had although I had everything too.

    What was getting me down was that I was in a relationship I was not happy in, plus I had found out I was pregnant. I was unhappy because I had no close friends (Due to my relationship) and was increasingly sad. I took pills, but not enough to do me or my baby damage. It was more a cry for help.

    After that, I realised I needed to change my life. After my son was born, I ended my relationship with his dad and started going to church. This was exactly what I needed at that time and it has changed me forever. I made the right friends and had a hectic social life which I loved. It also helped me to find me. What I liked and disliked, how I wanted my life to be, not what everyone else wanted my life to be. I had the time to do a lot of soul searching.

    Everyone is now amazed at my strength and courage now , but I guess in life, we have to go through these rough times to get the strengh to overcome them.

    Thank you again for sharing. I hope it helps many people out there who are going through trials and need a wake-up call. Ending your life is never the best way.

    • Hi Shaznaym, thank you so much for sharing your own story and I am sure it will help others in a similar situation. A lot of people find church a comfort in times like this and I am glad you found something.

      I think the rough times make us stronger, although we may not see that at the time.

  • Wow Steven, I’m so glad you’re still here. And how lucky we are that you changed your life or I wouldn’t be commenting here today.

    I’m sure you’ll touch everyone who reads this in one way or another.

    I was 17 and pregnant when I married and by the time I was 22 I was mom to 4 girls. I thought of ending it when the twins turned one. I was so exhausted I lost weight and had dark circles under my eyes. I would cry myself to sleep at night. My husband couldn’t help me because he had 2 jobs.

    I had a plan but never followed through with it.

    Like you I changed every area of my life and my husband joined me in the process. Today the girls are all in their 30’s and we’ve been married 38 years.

    I’m glad I’m here too!
    .-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Bold Solutions For A New World =-.

    • Tess, thank you so much for your kind words.

      You also have been an inspiration and managed to turn it around and I am so glad you didn’t follow through either, or this conversation would not be happening. Thank you for sharing that.

      Isn’t it amazing the stories that come out!

  • Hi Steven,
    Thank you so much for your amazing openness about what happened to you. You have taken such a challenging situation, and by some stroke of grace, you were able to turn it around to not only heal your own life, but help others as well.

    Stories like this bring people together. We resonate, we meet in the similarities, we reach out to support each other, we learn from one another. Social networking doesn’t even begin to capture it. This is true, heartfelt connection, where we meet in love.

    I so appreciate you, your courage and bravery. It’s inspiring to all of us.

    Much love to you,

    • Thank you Gail. You’re right about social networking not even coming close to capture this and meeting everyone on a different level. Thank you for your support, I always appreciate it.

      • These posts are from 2010, but I just came upon this blog. Sounds like you were young and had everything going for you. Try being a middle aged woman, no kids, no career, and someone who had a promising life in 1990 and beyond. The last four years I have lost everything and everyone. YOu can bet, I have given up it seems. I need to talk to a professional because I really don’t care anymore and have prayed for cancer or some other illness where I don’t have to do it myself directly. I could just refuse treatment. I wasted my life, I blew it, and like they say…you only get one chance.

    • I’ve heard alot of people say it will get better, which I guess it could…Kind of if I greatly lowered my standards. I can relate to your experience to a degree. But I still don’t feel all too optomisstic about life. I was leading a rough life at first but not too bad. I had met this girl and started I turning my life into what I thought was better direction. I went and spent time with her in europe. She’s canadaian I’m american. This was the first and last time I saw her. From my life was cluttered with the death of a grandmother. Followed by people making plans for my life when I already had plans of my own. I forced into a deep depression of family breathing down my neck on a daily basis. I barely got to see friends to at least have someone to talk to to gain a level mind with. I tried talking to the girl only to discover she was having difficulties and I was also being really irrational and depressed when I’d talk to her. So she eventually said she just felt horrible and that our relationship was unhealthy. Everything was just cluttered under a series of misconceptions. I had no one to talk to to gain any sort of sanity to straighten things out. While in the mean time had a terrible boss that despite me working my ass off for the bitch she gave the newly hired people more hours than me and always talked down to me. My fathers marriage was falling apart at the same time I was always always always talking to family or him about depressing things. I watched all the things I had worked very hard for fall apart at the same time relationships, friends, work, etc. And now here I am unemployed everything I had set my mind and heart to is dead and gone. More deaths of people I was close to occured. I have lost all faith in anything what so ever. I do not will not cannot and shall not ever believe there is a fucking god. I have been pushed to my edge and my limit for a whole year now and I simply just don’t care anymore. Maybe it will get better but I know its definately never going to be or is anything I ever wanted it to be. Its just a piece of shit life and a petty meaningless existence that I live for some reason that I don’t know right now. I am very quite nearly to the point of saying fuck it all I don’t care where it goes.

      • Hi Colin! Sorry to hear that you are going through many obstacles in life. I hope you’re doing much better. This recession seems to be getting the best of people. I can’t imagine what it would be like in other parts of the world, especially third-world countries. If it’s any consolation, at least here in the U.S. – we have many more opportunities than other people from poorer countries. While we may experience temporary setbacks in life, these poorer people must deal with no running water, no food, no health insurance and no job as daily occurrences. It may seem like your life is not going as well as you intend it to be but remember at least opportunities exist here for us to make things better.

    • I use to think this stuff made sense. But now that I’m 50, and in the last 4 years I lost my job making 80k yearly, both my parents died and it has been impossible for me to get back into my original field of work. It appears my 20 years of experience isn’t as good as a college students. I guess what I’m saying is sometimes it best to end it all.

        • Dan please don’t give up my sister took her own life 9 sept and its now the living hell for me and the rest off my close family I agree life is shit constant fight but please nothing is worth the pain it causes I now live every day wishing and aching for my sister .she was 34 and my niece who is 12 considers doing the same as I said I know it’s hard but please get help join a group

      • I couldn’t agree more. What you have to bear in mind is that it is much harder to carry out that you would imagine. I have been close to death twice but it wasn’t meant to be. The worst thing about failed suicide is that it becomes no longer an option. Then you REALLY have no way out. I have promised my daughter I would never try again. I regard my promise as shackles chaining me to more and more years of worry, regret, sadness, loss and increasing poverty. You would never know this to look at me. I’m attractive, popular (specially when their computers go wrong), passionate about my political causes – adopted to compensate for the big hole in my life and the fact that I know I’ve had all the best bits and that, yes, maybe things could be improved. But I really don’t care enough to improve them. Just get it over with already.

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