There’s a lot of talk in personal growth circles about “being yourself.” We’ve all heard a lot about being ourselves as a path to success in work, finding love, doing well in life.
I don’t recommend it.
Here’s the problem. Our authentic selves—in full—include our limiting beliefs and not-so-accurate stories about the world. Our authentic selves include our fears and defense mechanisms and self-destructive behaviors.
We don’t want to let those parts of us rein free. They cause us suffering. They cause other people suffering. Not to mention, quite often they make us look crazy, irrational, generally unappealing.
On its own, being oneself isn’t a helpful strategy. Walk into a difficult conversation with a loved one with the plan to “just be yourself” and you are likely to find yourself being run by your fears and defenses.
Walk into a stressful day at work with the strategy to “just be yourself” and you will be indulging in some of your least healthy coping mechanisms (candy bars, gossip, online procrastination) by mid-afternoon.
We need a more nuanced approach. The power of being ourselves comes in fact from something more specific. In each of us, there is a unique essence – a unique set of strengths and talents, a unique capacity to contribute something new to the world. There’s a unique sensibility and set of values.
It’s all of those parts – those rich and juicy and remarkable parts of ourselves — that we want to cultivate. That’s the self we want to show up loudly and boldly with in the world. That’s the self it makes us happy to be. That self doesn’t cause suffering. That self enriches the lives of others and creates positive impact in the world.
I don’t think we have the right words in our language to name it. The term that resonates the most for me is “soul self.” We don’t want to be ourselves. We want to be our soul selves.
5 Dimensions of Your Soul Self
How are you doing on these five dimensions of being your soul self? As you read, give yourself a score from one to ten – not to judge yourself, but simply to assess where you are now.
1. Using Your Strengths: Your strengths and talents are your gifts to the world. Put them to use and you will contribute to others and change the world. You’ll also feel good: more and more research is showing that using strengths is a key component not only of professional success, but of personal happiness.
If you aren’t aware of your strengths, use an assessment such as the Strengths Finder or the free, online VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire. Then brainstorm ways you can use your strengths more in your life and work.
2. Doing What You Love: You are blessed. You are blessed because you’ve been given a set of activities that bring you joy, contentment, happiness. You were given a pathway to bliss. Are you walking it? Are you being a responsible steward of that blessing?
Your set of bliss-activities is unique to you and is a key element of your soul self. My set includes writing, reading poetry, seeing art, designing spaces, and being engaged in the creative process. For my client Chris, those activities are adventurous travel, listening to great music, strategic thinking, and having quiet alone time. What are your top five?
If you aren’t sure, look back in your life (and you may have to go way back) for clues. When have you felt joy from doing a particular activity? What did you long to do as child? If you still aren’t sure, place your hand wherever you feel your gut instinct in your body, take a few deep breaths, and then ask yourself. Trust whatever clues come up and start experimenting.
3. Aligning Your Life With Your Values: What do you value most? Community? Peace? Energy? Love? I know, all of these words sound good. They are all good–there are so many ways that the beauty and power of life can be expressed. But each of us has particular values that resonate with our unique soul self. Each of us is the messenger, the embodiment, of particular forms of the good more than others.
My client Judy’s are innovation, love, wisdom and trust. She knows just what those terms mean to her. Clay’s are purpose, loyalty, action, and forgiveness.
Pick three or four words that reflect your top values, the principles you hold most dear. Don’t overthink this. Don’t worry about what you feel like they should be. Don’t think about morals, think about what matters most to you personally, way deep down. Come from your heart, and see what three to four words show up.
How can you better align your life with these values? Does the way you spend your money reflect them? How about your calendar and daily schedule? Your home? Your parenting, partnering, and relationships with others? How can you make your life courageous expression of your values?
4. Acknowledging Others: Think of one person in your life whom you admire and appreciate. Articulate, right now, what it is in particular that you most love about them, for example: “I love Jamie’s unwavering loyalty and optimism” or “I’m moved by the integrity and trustworthiness of my friend Alex” or “ I adore the candor and humility of my sister-in-law Liz.”
That vision – the particular qualities you see and love in others– comes from your soul self. It’s a reflection of your unique perspective and your capacity to love. Expressing those acknowledgements, complimenting others on the beauty you see in them, is one way to actualize your soul self.
5. Doing Your Assignments: We’ve all been given assignments, work we are meant to do in our lifetimes.
I don’t mean the thing you put on a resume or show up at the office to do. I mean the thing you feel called, in your heart, to change. Maybe it’s a problem facing our world. Maybe it’s a need in your community. Maybe it’s the situation of a person living a few houses away from you and who needs love and assistance.
What is causing a twinge in your soul? What pains you? What vision of how it could be different dances in your consciousness?
Those are your clues about the assignments you’ve been given. The world has a you-shaped hole in it. It is waiting for you to show up with your contribution so that that hole can be filled. The joy that comes from doing that is unparalleled – the peace and the fulfillment and meaning is like nothing else. I hope you won’t miss out.
These are the ways of “being ourselves” that bring happiness and allow us to create an impact on the world. This is the authenticity we want to cultivate—being our soul selves. Using our strengths and gifts. Acknowledging others. Doing what we truly love. Aligning our lives with our values. Answering the callings in our hearts.
Love,
Tara
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Hi Tara, well said and I’ve always believed the term ‘being yourself’ can only be used loosely in place of spirit where we live. Ultimately you can choose to be anything you wish but you are in that moment is being yourself, you can however make changes for the future if you wish.
Love it!
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..How To Train Your Boss =-.
Thanks Amit. Glad you enjoyed this. Love your distinction that in the moment we are always being exactly who we are – and we can change who we are if we choose to do so. Warmly, Tara
Tara,
Thank you so much for this! This helps expand the belief elimination process I am completing. Now I can focus on the positive feelings I have in my soul and find my own unique way to share an optimistic view of the world and we as individuals are part of the collective consciousnes and yet our Selves. By the way, I had a daughter, Tara, who died at the age of three. She was a bright, beautiful, loving, and intelligent soul who left this world too soon. She is part of my inspiration and I am happy that you share her name…and it seems her spirit. Love and Light.
Hi Lauren,
Thank you so much, and particularly for sharing about your daughter Tara. I’m humbled to share a name with her.
Love, Tara
What a wonderful and thought provoking post. There is so much here that I want to return to and consider – truly think about. I know that I don’t currently know the answers to all five of your questions – I wonder how many of us do? How many of us actually ask those questions of ourselves. I want to find the answers though.
Thank you Tara. This was nice to read today.
.-= The Exception´s last blog ..Shared Wisdom =-.
Thanks! Its true – we never answer these questions fully – and the point is not to live with a static answer – but to keep asking the questions, updating our answers for the present, and growing into more. Things change from the moment we start the asking. They can’t not. Love, Tara
Hi Tara,
This is a great and very important topic. I often suggest that we have a Counterfeit Self that takes on the role of “that’s just the way I’ am.” It is the Counterfeit Self that is responsible for the knee-jerk reactions you explain above… it is the “just be yourself” we DON’T want showing up. The Counterfeit Self is an impoverished model of our authentic nature. A distinction to be made is that the Authentic Self is clearly separate from the mind. When you are being authentic, you take command of your mind; you make your mind your loyal servant by using it as a tool of creation. On the other hand, the Counterfeit Self contains a slave mentality; it cannot think beyond that collection of beliefs that you have stored and conditioned your mind to accept. This collection of stored beliefs is not in service to the Authentic Self; it is in command of the Counterfeit Self. We can not afford to give blind obedience to opinions that stifle our creative abilities, not if we intend to indulge in experiencing our authentic nature. Only when we are authentic, are we regnant and free to create our life as we want it to be.
There are some semantics going on here, but the sentiment of following our Soul Self or whatever we call it is a universal truth. Great discussion.
Thanks Rob.
There are lots of terms floating around – soul self, authentic self, essential self – and of course it’s all just terminology – looking for a way to name something we don’t quite have the language for. But yes, so many different spiritual traditions and schools of psychological thought share the insight that there is some purer, higher self and then a less helpful, more fear-based self that gets in the way. And most associate that second self with a dominance of the thinking mind and a disconnection from the wisdom of the heart, the body, intuition.
The whole “its just me” thing is tricky. I”m all for self-acceptance, but agree that often that sentiment is used as a defense mechanism, a way to get out of accountability for one’s actions, etc.
Well, I’ll tell you that I am one of those supporters of “just be yourself” yet I enjoyed reading your article because I love gathering new ideas and perspectives. For me, the ability to just be myself is very liberating as I spent most of my life denying my true essence. It truly is so much easier to just ease into my intuition, allow myself to “flow” through my day and trust myself, using my personal values as my guide.
And, your beliefs and mine are actually not all that different. Now I have come to separate parts of me that I call “Little Me” and my “True Self” <— this is your "Soul Self".
Good stuff.
-Susan
.-= Susan Liddy´s last blog ..SURVEY RESULTS! What did you want to be when you grew up? =-.
Hi Susan! Nice to meet you.
It sounds to me like we are on the same page. As you are being yourself, if you are following your intuition, being in the flow, and being steered by your values – you are being your soul self. It’s the “little self” as you termed it, that we want to treat with self-acceptance, but also with consciousness – so that we aren’t run by its effects. We certainly don’t want to cultivate it!
I’m glad you enjoyed this and thanks for sharing your perspective.
Warmly,
Tara
Hi Tara,
You make some good points. On the other hand, in the case of any long standing relationship, your true self will eventually come out. This is why couples who divorce often make statements like “he/she is not the person I married.”
Two solutions:
1. Reveal your faults in a controlled way. Be honest with yourself, and with those who you want to have a relationship with.
2. Work on yourself. Limiting beliefs, fears, cognitive distortions, etc can all be worked on and transformed… with effort.
Suppressing our faults only creates more tension in ourselves and our relationships. Envision who you want to be… and work to become that person. That’s my philosophy.
.-= Chris Akins´s last blog ..The meaning of a communication is in the response it gets =-.
Thanks Chris.
I’m with you- I’m not for hiding or repressing our weak points (and I think human beings can’t do so even if they tried! our weak points are, for the most part, precisely where we aren’t in control of our behavior!)
We can let them be without cultivating them. We can also treat our fears, limiting beliefs, inner critic voices, defense mechanisms, misguided behaviors that come out when we are afraid…. as exactly what they are – simply those things. They aren’t important or essential parts of ourselves. They are things we learned to do or develop in response to the stresses or threats of life. In that sense, its our work to work with them or undo them, rather than just be complacent with them, so that we can treat ourselves and those around us better – with the love we deserve.
Tara,
You make a very profound statement in your reply: “our weak points are, for the most part, precisely where we aren’t in control of our behavior!” How true! Well stated.
.-= Chris Akins´s last blog ..The meaning of a communication is in the response it gets =-.
Very nice post Tara. Being ourselves usually limits us and limits our growth because of our limiting beliefs as you mentioned among other reasons. Thanks for sharing Tara
.-= Dia´s last blog ..Program your mind for success =-.
Thanks so much Dia, glad you enjoyed this article!
Warmly, Tara
I think we should change it to “Be Our Best Selves”, meaning that we have to do away with the negative and make use of the positive aspects of our personalities.
.-= Maris´s last blog ..Welcome the Summer With Chili-Rubbed Chicken =-.
Hi Maris,
Thanks. Yes, there are all kinds of terms we can use for this part of ourselves – best self, authentic self, soul self, essential self, etc. I think we each need to pick the language that resonates with us individually and then use it to inspire and guide!
This is an amazing article Tara and I could not agree more. I love the phrase you coined “soul self”. Another word that comes to mind is “congruent”. It sounds like really being your soul self is what Tony Robbins calls living congruently-perfectly aligned with your life’s mission, purpose and values. I actually just wrote and article today entitled A Beginner’s Guide to Being Congruent. Very funny coincidence that I happened to stumble upon your article only hours after posting it. One of my biggest recommendations was Strength Finder 2.0. That book has changed the value of my life, interactions and career dramatically. So glad you agree. I am an Achiever, Maximizer, Input, Positivity and Discipline. How about you?
The only way to really be yourself is to honestly know yourself. You are right on with this.
To being our Soul Selves,
Scott
.-= Scott Dinsmore´s last blog ..The Beginner’s Guide to Being Congruent =-.
Thanks Scott. Yes, I love the idea of congruence and alignment. Several years ago I suddenly got it that fulfillment and happiness come from living a life that is an expression of one’s individual values – not from having the “right” job, life, relationship, etc. in some general sense.
That work of discovering who you really are is so important and is the foundation work I do with all my coaching clients. From there they have a roadmap for shaping and creating their lives. Strengthsfinder is a great tool, and there are many other tools and exercises for discovering that inner roadmap to fullfillment. Actually, the Internal Mentor article I wrote here a couple months back is one of my favorite tools for this kind of discovery – check it out!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Warmly,
Tara
When being yourself we won’t always achieve our success. We often don’t have the necessary qualities etc. We need to make some changes. Being yourself isn’t always good.
.-= Roman Soluk´s last blog ..How to avoid food poisoning =-.
Depends how you define success! I think if we’re connected to our soul self, and awake to the present moment, we are always moving towards success. But it may not be the type of success or expression of success our ego-mind is attached to us having.
A brave post Tara!
Being yourself and soul self though are merely terms to express accepting who we are and living that. I think self-awareness formed from self-enquiry resuls in knowing the self. When we know who we are then ‘being’ is automatic. We don’t have to ‘be’ as that essence is always there but we do need to recognise it. Thank you for a different take on things.
.-= John Sherry´s last blog ..Taking 3 Steps To Haven =-.
Yes, but accepting and living what parts of ourselves? Some parts of myself I want to accept and live. Some parts – my fears, my learned negative behavior patterns, my coping mechanisms, I want to accept and then examine, dissolve, change, shift, etc.
Know what I mean? What do you think?
Tara
Initially I thought I’d be in total disagreement with this article. The first few lines threw me for a loop. But the more I read, the more I realized that our thinking is in alignment. The only difference is that when I say, “be yourself,” what I mean is what you describe as “your soul self.” To me, that is the authentic self. That is the real me. The me that acts out based on fears and emotional baggage, is not who I am. I love what you call it–the soul self. That is who we truly are–our soul selves. Wonderful, wonderful article!
.-= Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..Life’s Struggles: Who Would You be Without Them? =-.
Thanks so much Nea – I’m glad this resonated with you!
Warmly, Tara
Hi Tara,
Great to see you over here. May I weigh in?
My experience is that the authentic, true experience of living, the Self, is unconditioned. Yes, we carry limiting beliefs and distorted stories, but these are conditioned by experiences we have had in our lives. When we investigate them, we see that they are not true, so I don’t see it as accurate to say that they are part of the authentic self.
Why is this important? Because knowing who we really are, knowing what is real, is the end of suffering. We all know that our conditioned stories and beliefs don’t make us happy. They cause us to live in judgment, regret, fear, and confusion – as less than our unlimited potential.
When we shed these conditioned identities, we realize what remains – clarity, wholeness, creativity, fulfillment, peace. The question you pose in the title, “Be Yourself?” I say, “YES!” Be your natural, unconditioned, essential “soul” self, and your life can’t help but shine.
Love, Gail
Hi Gail,
Thanks, as always, for your beautiful words. So inspiring and comforting.
I’m with you…although for me the jury is still out on the source of our fears, limiting beliefs, unhelpful responses. I think we have a strong innate instinct toward them – apart from what we’ve seen or observed in others or been conditioned to do. Curious – what do you see as the root of that conditioning – if not within us, where does the behavior and fears of the “original” conditioners begin?
Love,
Tara
Interesting questions, Tara.
By virtue of being part of the animal world, we are hard-wired for survival, and that includes fear, which is adaptive if we want to survive. But our human minds make things much more complex – hence the occurrence of psychological fear, limiting beliefs, etc. Our true nature is beyond, or before, both of these fears. It is the formless, oneness, that which exists before any separation into “me” and “you,” free of all identities. A Zen saying which points to this is: What was your face before you were born? This is the true Source.
This is a great post. A nice way to articulate and attempt to solve a common misconception. I think the problem is that we define ‘ourselves’ as this physical bundle of earthly experiences and the beliefs we’ve developed along the way. We view these experiences and beliefs as some sort of ‘truth,’ when they are simply our creations. We then act and react based on these ‘truths.’ As you clearly know, none of this has anything to do with our true selves.
.-= HappinessandWisdom´s last blog ..Video about Happiness. Habits of Happiness by Matthieu Ricard =-.
Thanks Matthew. I love the way you’ve articulated this. Beautiful.
Be yourself make you have a strong foundation of your personality and attitude. Indeed, to be yourself is not easy, there is some factor that influence to it.
Think positive about yourself. Maybe you have a bad habit or personality, but don’t hate yourself. If you always think about that, you will be hard to accept your minus and plus personality. So, you must start to become yourself. If you cannot respect yourself, how about the other ?
.-= Ben Tien´s last blog ..3 Steps of Sales Techniques NLP =-.
Ben, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! Warmly, Tara
At the end of the day, it’s about being confident in who you are. Nice article Steven.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..West Richland’s 2010 Hogs & Dogs Event =-.
Er, I mean Tara! Oops!
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..West Richland’s 2010 Hogs & Dogs Event =-.
Thanks Colleen!
Tara: Great post. I think you make such an important distinction between “being ourselves” and “being our soul selves”. I couldn’t agree more that we don’t want to continue to live in limiting ways and reinforcing bad habits which may end up happening if we simply just follow the advice to be ourselves. The key is understanding that when we are at our best, when we are free of limiting thoughts, when we are no longer controlled by our ego, that is when we are really ourselves, and as you have so greatly coined the new term … that is when we are being our “soul selves”. Thanks for the very thoughtful and insightful post. I really enjoyed it.
So well put. Thank you Sibyl. I hope you’ll write more about this at your blog!
Tara
Tara,
That was thought provoking article. Glad to have read you.
As I started to read this article, I thought to myself, “You don’t want to be yourself, you want to be your ‘true’ self.” Then I read further and saw that the author said the same thing using the term, “soul” self. Exactly right!
Our “true” self or “soul” self is what we are without all the negatives. Now I don’t think that means that we are always nicy nice holy people that never speak a harsh word, but we are no longer controlled by our negative emotions and feelings.
I certainly think we need to be ourselves and not try to fool others or ourselves by being something we are not. We just need to make sure that being ourselves is the best self that we can be!
.-= Steve´s last blog ..People Liking People =-.
I think the idea of our soul self is valuable in understanding our true passions and what we feel most connected to in life. What is it that really ignites our passion for life and aligns with what we care about? I believe there is also a spirit self that is the internal motivator of our life. We need spirit to drive us toward what is in our soul, or the things we really value and believe in.
Hi Joe,
Yes, I agree – there is an intimate connection between the soul self and our loves, our passions, and all those activities and experiences that help us feel the vitality and joy of life. Pursuing our passions is one way to reveal the soul self to ourselves.
i struggle with how to accept my own shortcomings (especially those that get in my own way) but also to think of them as separate from my true self. i think it’s useful to think about the difference between an “authentic self” and a “soul self”
tim d
momentary.org
free mobile gratitude journal
Thanks Tim! So glad you found this helpful.
Warmly, Tara
Dear Tara,
A fascinating post! You draw an interesting distinction.
I’ve written a lot about authenticity and in my mind the way I define it is similar to how you’re describing our soul self.
I view authenticity as being about connecting with our inner self and all that surrounds us in a manner that allows us to be “emotionally sober” in our communication and relationships.
Very thought-provoking. Thanks!
Warm regards,
Lauren
Hi Tara,
My favorite here is to “do our assignments. I have to say I love the payoff even when I don’t want to do it. The Universe responds with grades so high there is no scale for them! Hugs to you for being you and sharing your wisdom with us. I think it’s one of your assignments;)
Hi Tara ,
Thanks to you for this article and your kind gesture to all those who had comment ,,by giving them reply.
i read this article ,it was very informative,brain storming..but when i m start implementing these things in life. i m facing rejection from my family ..(he always show off or by doing this u will not be a big man…) So ,in that situation What to do???.
Thanks for your post, which I found via Joshua Ubergang (?) website.
Interestingly, I agree with another Steve who commented here (from http://lifechangeforu.com/) who posted about your distinction ‘soul self’.
So, yes, the issue (to me) is that we don’t know how to BE ourselves (our ‘soul self’) not that we shouldn’t be ourselves (so we don’t need to change anything).
Unless you are blessed (or your name is Bart Simpson and you’re yellow and part of a fantastic program called The Simpsons), then you really do need to do some work on yourself to let go of everything that isn’t you, so that the real YOU (still flawed, obviously, but real nevertheless) can shine through.
This is my journey right now. And I am to achieve it by 1) facing as many fears as I can to see what they’re trying to tell me, 2) stretching myself out of my comfort zone as much as I can and 3) being okay with myself, and with others I experience along the journey.
Living as YourSelf, FULLY in the role of your character, is the best way to do this thing we call life…
Steve
Thank you for this post it is very interesting, but I want to ask you a question; which religion are you in because you sound like a religious person?
If you don’t mind me asking.