About Joe WilnerWhat is Anger?
Anger pervades society through road rage, abusive relationships, and general incivility. Anger emerges from a combination of other emotions, such as discomfort, tenseness, resentment, and frustration. For this reason, it’s considered a secondary emotion. It stems from other emotions such as fear, embarrassment, or irritability and it can truly be a furious force if we are not careful.
Anger is a basic human emotion that we all experience, but depending on our response, it can have a profound impact on relationships and overall well-being. Anger can really cause disruptions if we let it take control of our behavior and interactions. Specifically, anger that is too frequent and too prolonged can have negative consequences. It can disrupt relationships and cause health concerns such as high blood pressure. It can also lead to aggression and violence when rage begins to brew.
“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” – Aristotle
For many people anger comes from being reminded of past negative experiences, feeling resentment towards others, feeling misunderstood, being verbally or physically attacked, and experiencing unfair treatment. Experience teaches us to respond to anger in different ways, depending on what triggers our anger, and the consequential resolution and response we receive.
Angry thoughts and feelings build on further anger until it becomes out of control. For this reason, people must begin to understand and learn how best to deal with anger when it emerges.
Fanning the Flames of Anger
Stuffing and escalating are typically counter-productive ways for dealing with conflict and solving problems, and they tend to ultimately make the problem worse.
Stuffing
This is a term that refers to holding in our emotional feeling of anger and trying to ignore the person or situation that is provoking these feelings. People may withdraw emotionally or deny their anger. By doing so, the individual doesn’t have to immediately deal with the discomfort and anger, but ultimately the emotions will become more intense and overwhelming. People may start ruminating on what is bothering them while continuing to bottle up their feelings. Having constant feelings of anxiety, irritation, and bitterness eventually have dire consequences and lead to someone blowing-up, and ultimately harming others in the process.
Escalating
This refers to an automatic and intense anger arousal that can occur. Escalating is easy to identify and involves verbal and physical threats. It involves blaming, such as pointing the finger at someone else’s mistakes, and using “you” statements. People with a tendency to escalate can become aggressive and damage relationships and reputation by reacting hastily. Escalation involves an emotional high jacking, where one loses control over emotions and behavior, and in doing so makes regretful decisions.
Cooling Off and Directing Anger
Directing emotions provides a healthy and more productive response to managing anger. It enables more lucid communication and appropriate expression of emotion. It involves staying calm and using “I” statements which allow discussion to happen between the parties involved. This is important, as when conflict is ensuing, emotions are high and a crucial conversation needs to take place. By staying collected and keeping a calm tone of voice, it’s easier to communicate productively and get your message across.
We can cool off by removing ourselves from the situation and doing something that soothes our emotional arousal. We can prevent anger from reaching a dangerous point, by not letting escalation take place. This means that when we feel emotional arousal of anger, immediately redirecting our arousal to something calming or neutral. This is why people count to ten or takes deep breaths in order to calm the arousal that has taken place.
More productively, is working to sublimate our energy from anger. Sublimation is a term used to describe the process of directing our anger or emotional arousal to a creative release, such as painting, music, nature, or poetry. This can provide an outlet for anger, and actually improve creative development.
Managing Conflict
Understanding your anger style can provide the means to process emotions and communicate more effectively. Being able to evaluate your feelings before immediately reacting opens opportunities to manage anger and negotiate or collaborate to reach a solution. Being able to think before we act means problem solving can take place, and common ground can be discovered.
In order to maintain dignity and respect in relationships, anger must be dealt with constructively. Seeking to understand where someone else is coming from, and being willing to make mutual decisions, can provide a win/win outcome, where both parties involved feel respected and content with the resolution.
When you feel the surge of anger beginning to grow, do something that can help to re-frame the emotional situation and don’t let yourself get worked up. Thinking about all the reasons why your anger is justified just makes things worse. Squelch the flame of anger before it gets out of control. Don’t let negative emotional states hold you back from a flourishing life. Work through the emotion by directing your anger toward something productive, and move on with your life.
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Joe, welcome to the CYT community! Loved this post. What I have found, both with myself and with my work with other individuals struggling with anger, is that often there is a lack of understanding of emotional vocabulary. In other words, part of becoming emotionally intelligent is learning how to label all the other emotions that anger may be masking. Once that is done, anger can be welcomed as a signal to honor those other emotions and problem solve around them.
Steve-Personal Success Factors recently posted..The Lazy Mans Way to the Best Year Yet
Steve,
Great point! Anger seems to be an emotional response that comes after repeated exposure to an irritating situation. People can only subdue their feelings so long until irritability turns into full blow anger. I agree its a matter of recognizing these moments of more minor aggitation, and using coping strategies before an emotional highjacking occurs. Thanks for commenting!
Great article, Joe. I was able to take command of my anger only after I realized I had to take 100% responsibility for all that occurred in my life. You achieve mind-mastery when you learn how to handle the mind. Either you are handling your mind or your mind is handling you. Everyone can learn to calm the mind by directing the flow of thoughts. When you direct the thought-flow, the mind begins moving in the direction that you want your life to go.
Hi Rob,
Thanks for commenting! You are right, anger is often an outcome of how we are appraising a situation. We make a personal attribution that leads to feelings of disrespect or unjustice. We tell ourselves things that can get us worked up, and it can be tough to calm down. I think anger has a lot to do with the ego. We take things very personally and begin to feel contempt toward others. This is when the consequences of anger can be most severe.
Interesting idea to ” cool off by removing ourselves from the situation and doing something that soothes our emotional arousal” …
Personally, I think the best way to meet with anger is to find the opposite emotion of anger, but the same strength… In this way you migrate your attention from positive to negative without resistance… It is much more functional than to resist, of course… In my case it is humor. I just begin to laugh when I’m angry. And to sing….
It has helped me many times…
Marko — Calm Growth recently posted..How To Stop Being Hiper-Sensitive to Criticism
Marko,
This is very important idea you point out. I once heard that if you’re someone who responds physically to anger, such as getting aggressive or destructive, a good way to manage this is to have a physical outlet, such as punching a pillow or doing push-ups…etc. Though, this can actually increase the arousal and continue to stimulate anger. I believe a more credible approach is to try and calm the arousal in general. When the fight or flight response is enacted we want to counteract this as you suggest! Thanks of the comment!
I have found in my own life that walking away from a situation that makes me angry helps. It really helps to get perspective by walking away and taking the time to cool off and think about it when outside of the situation.
Another thing that I’ve learned about anger is that it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It is one way that our emotions let us know that something is not right and that we need find a way to solve the problem – and the methods that you share are excellent!
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Stacy,
This is wonderful advice you provide. I love the idea of going for a walk or finding some activity we can do to sooth the emotional response of anger. I think that before a conflict or argument ensues, we always have the control to remove ourselves from the situation before things get out of hand. It’s a matter of noticing our triggers and taking steps to neutralize the anger. Thanks for commenting!
Hey Joe
Welcome to CYT, it’s really great to have you writing here.
I rarely get angry, but used to when I was younger, and found the best way to deal with it was to put myself in the mind a calmer me, it allowed me to think much more rationally. Sounds a bit weird, but I’d rather that than the alternative of punching someone’s lights out
Thanks again Joe, great to have you here.
Steven,
Thanks so much for the opportunity. It’s a true honor to contribute to this site. Anger is one of those emotions that is more often than not counterproductive. When we don’t have emotional recognition or restraint it can certainly make things worse. Anger is definitely an emotion to understand and learn to manage. Thanks again for the exciting opportunity!
Nice article Joe,
I am one of the angry people who struggle to control it! Shouldn’t be admitting this to strangers on the internet. What I have found though with my young kids (3 and 2) is that they have picked up a little of my temperament which I hate to see! So now if I find myself getting angry for any reason I try and remember those little fellas watching how I react to situations. They are the ones I don’t want behaving like I do! I’ll get there, acknowledging it is the first hurdle! Thanks for sharing. Martin
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Martin,
Thanks for commenting! You got it, acknowledgment is the first step toward emotional awareness and management. I think like anything else, anger can become habitual. If we have a pattern and history of responding to situations and getting our needs met through anger, this becomes the most automatic response that gets us what we need. Though, as it may get us what we need at times, it most likely also causes distress, as no one enjoys feeling anger. We can learn new ways of dealing with situations that still get needs met but makes us feel better and more positive in the end.
Really great article on a subject we all deal with in one way or another. I find when I examine my anger feelings I find fear or sadness is often at the root of it and if I address the underlying emotion the anger is more easily managed. Controlling feelings of anger by choosing our reaction and knowing the true reason for it is a much lovelier way to live than to be at the mercy of a passing emotion.
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Thanks for commenting! I would agree completely. There are often underlying feelings that need to be dealt with first when we notice we are experiencing anger. I tend to start feeling angry when I perceive my goals to have been inhibited or blocked. I also feel angry most easily when I’m already feeling irritable or agitated. If can work with these states of mind first, I can tend to bypass any real issues with getting angry.
Great post Joe!! Very thorough. Understanding and managing our emotional responses to certain situations in life is definitely critical to developing emotional intelligence and maturity. Also, when we are beginning to explore and understand our emotions, we tend to get hit with an overwhelming sense of guilt after reacting emotionally, even if that reaction is internal and not necessarily destructive to any parties involved. We must always remember to forgive ourselves and allow ourselves to be human throughout the process.
Ryan,
Fancy seeing you here! Thanks for commenting! You make a very valuable point. It is easy to be critical of the emotions we experience, and start feel we are “bad” people for letting our emotions get the best of us. This perfectionist type of outlook makes it tough to really live a full life. We need to learn how to accept our emotions when they arrive and watch them pass with a non-judgmental attitude. Emotions come and go, and just as we can separate ourselves from our thoughts, we can separate ourselves as people from these emotional feelings. In this way we can learn to work through them and not focus on them.
Great post, important topic! Anger is a feeling i don’t care for but we all feel it and all experience it. We often try to pretend it doesn’t exist but it’s a natural feeling that everyone feels. Deep breathing and walking away is a must in beginning to rationalize your feelings and respond appropriately to the stimuli you are angry about. Any emotion can cause irrational thoughts, feelings, or behaviors but anger emotion if acted upon without thinking can result in emotional or physical hurt. I think opposite to emotion is perfect in this situation, just laugh a little ;0! Thanks again, great article!
Jennifer,
Thanks so much for your comment and insight! You provide many good points. It’s makes me think of the idea that anger can be constructive or destructive. It can provide us cues for understanding how we feel and motivating us to take action to better our life, or it can overwhelm us and lead truly causing harm to ourselves and others. There is a fine line between this distinction and learning more about the utility of emotions is key.
This reminds me of a story I was told a few years back when talking about a couple who seemed to always cover up any disagreements. The story tells about a couple living in a small house. Every day someone throws in a bag of garbarge in the house (remember this is a story). Instead of getting rid of the garbage the couple drills a hole in the floor and sweep down the garbage there. This works fine as long as there is plenty of room under the floor. But one day the hole will be full. What happens then? To sum this up. Anger is a feeling we carry with us and which we should be aware of and not try to hide or sweep down into some inner hole. Because if we are unaware of it, it might some day pop up and surprise us negatively. Instead we need to find constructive ways to handle our anger. Thank you for bringing this subject up Joe.
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Tom,
Thanks for the story! We need to work toward dealing with feelings in a healthy way, whether finding an outlet or accepting the fleeting nature of emotions. Stuffing or ignoring our emotions becomes a long-term problem. Many people I believe confuse stuffing emotions with not acting on them. Though, just because we don’t act on anger doesn’t mean we didn’t accept it, process it, and move on. When we hold in anger it can lead to resentment and contempt, which is much worse.
Hi Joe,
great tips on cooling off. From where I stand, escalating is clearly the form of anger most difficult to be managed. What about CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? Do you find it effective?
Lloyd,
Thanks for commenting! Though I don’t have vast experience with CBT, I have knowledge of it. It seems it could help with “cooling off” or learning to reframe previously anger provoking situations. I would certainly think what we tell ourselves at the moment of anger has huge impact on if we can calm and redirect our thinking, or if we begin to escalate out of control.
During this past year I’ve detached myself from most media, I stopped watching the news, no more TV, no newspapers, no magazines, unsubscribed from most of the blogs and newsletters I received in my inbox as I want to spend more time enjoying my day outside and also controlling what information I intake. however CYT is one blog that I never even thought of detaching from and the reason is posts like this one.
I really connect with this community as the posts that I get in my inbox speak to me at the right time… Its weird but they just do.
I woke up in the wrong side of the bed today and it was my own fault, I was reminiscing about a negative situation in my office and how I didnt handle it properly. I was upset with my colleague for being disrespectful, upset with myself for not managing my emotions and allowing them to show during that moment, then I remember another negative scenario where I reacted emotionally and that pissed me off as well, then I created this whole scenario in my head that didnt happen where I punched my coworker and that pissed me off even more, then I got mad at the train for being late, then I dropped my sandwhich on the floor, etc, etc.
Now in my office and I am so glad that I read this as I am channeling my frustrations in a creative way and I feel 100 TIMES BETTER.
So thank you, for real.. you just gave me my day back.
Alejandro
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Alejandro,
Thanks for your kind words and for a wonderful example of the mutual impact of our thoughts and feelings. The first thing we say to ourselves when we wake-up can have a huge impact on how everything else through the day influences us. It’s important to consider that the more irritable or initially agitated we are the easier it is for anger to grow and build. Every little thing can start to cause us stress and frustration. When I notice I’m having a day like this If, I try to regain self-awareness and mindfulness, or reframe my thinking in general. What ever I can do to better my attitude and prevent the growth of agitation. Thanks again for your comment!
Directing anger and not managing it brilliant advice. Too often we try to manage it because negative emotions don’t feel good. We think that getting angry is bad, when really it sometimes is a normal response. If you get angry, that is fine, but don’t let it become destructive. Direct it as you said by removing yourself from the situation, or as I do, dealing with conflict then and there before it escalates.
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David,
Thanks for comment! I like your suggestion of dealing with the conflict then before it escalates. Sometimes we go out of our way to avoid conflict until in inevitably blows-up in a much worse manner. This makes me think of being proactive in dealing with problems and doing what we can to not let them get out of control. If we’re getting upset about something, figure out if we can find a solution.
This is a really wonderful post, Joe. As a former “stuffer,” I understand the importance of dealing with anger promptly and directly. The most effective thing for me is to take some deep breaths, get my thoughts together, and then use I statements to assert myself. If I’m really mad, it’s tough as nails to resist the urge to say YOU YOU YOU. Talk about hard work.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga recently posted..Inspirational Words- Making Choices
Nea,
Thanks for commenting! Sounds like you have a good idea of how anger plays a role in your life, and how to deal with it. I agree it becomes easy to find a scapegoat for our upsetting situations and experiences. Though, as you mention, it can be much more effective for long term solutions to assert ourselves and take control of our state of mind.
I would add two cents here. From my personal experience, the anger is also due to the fact that I’m not willing to know the facts. For example, I’m not good at something, however I don’t like the feeling that I’m not good at it, moreover, I don’t like others say I’m not good at it. So this type of unwillingness to know the fact cause my anger dramatically.
The solution is very simple. Acknowledge the fact, and move on
Thanks for the comment! This is wonderful insight. Anger can come at the expense of feeling ignorant about a topic. We may feel stifled that we cannot find the solution we are looking for. Your advice makes me realize how important the development of wisdom becomes for managing emotions. We eventually learn how to move those many things that before caused us such distress.
Hi Joe,
I am a big believer in expressing anger, geting it out, and moving on. There is nothing worse than anger bubbling under the surface, very unhealthy for both body and mind.
I tend to just have a little explosion when I get mad, shout for a mo, apologise where appropriate and then move on. I try to keep the statements focused on me, but this definitely something I could improve…..I AM SO PISSED OFF is great…..followed by WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BLOODY IDIOT….probably not so good;)
It is important to let others get their anger out too; if someone is angry with me, I appreciate the honesty of their feelings and would rather that, than have them resent me for something.
Kate,
Yes, I agree, anger can be a hazard for both body and mind. I like how you point out the difference between acknowledging emotions and pointing blame when we are upset. It’s okay to be angry and learning how to communicate this effectively truly is a valuable trait for any relationship. Thanks for commenting!
Steve, I do not know how to express this. I am very grateful especially with this article: “How to Deal With Your Anger”. I will also want to have a glance of:Dealing With Confrontation and of course the rest.
Otherwise getting angry is never a total emotional vice. Take the example where Jesus Christ who emphasis humility and forgiveness at certain point got angered with his followers and call them Sons of snake.Also see where he got people turning House of God into market,of course he dragged them off and scattered their things.We can have a purpose for getting Angry but genuinly reasonably.
I guess I am very fortunate that it takes quite a bit to get me angry. Having an even keel is really helpful especially in my line of work!
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Hi Joe,
I’ve been reading your blog and really enjoying it. The part I love about this article is something I learned years ago while living in the rainforest. I learned that, as you say, anger is a secondary emotion to fear, shame, etc. Predominately fear. Once I saw this, I then saw anger as a “doorway” to deeper exploration and insight. I no longer judge my anger, just saw it as a guide to stop, lift up the rug of anger and see what lay beneath it.
There is another part of this that I am exploring lately, which is this. We humans have generally created highly stressful societies. I would go so far as to say, extremely stressful societies or way of life. The other day a doctor friend told me that stress grossly effects the adrenal glands. (Of course stress effects the whole body, but…)
Why this is important is that it’s the adrenals that can trigger the “fight or flight” response. So anger/rage/aggression can be part of that physiological response. So if the adrenals are taxed, over worked, not functioning properly, they could trigger seemingly unexplainable irritability, aggression, anger, etc. For someone who is plagued by constant irritability or anger, it might be a good idea to have their adrenals checked.
I had a friend who had dealt with this type of anger all her life, picked fights every day with her husband, and one day she found out she had an adrenal problem. She had it treated and her whole body calmed down. She was no longer in “fight or flight” mode.
I guess that’s why stress management is also so key to all this. Anyway, you really got me thinking here. It’s a fascinating topic. And I appreciate your insight into it.
Thank you Joe. It’s good to meet you.
Robin
PS Thank you dear Steve for introducing us to Joe. Hope you are doing well. Think of you often.
Robin Easton recently posted..Reaching Out
Robin,
Thanks for your wholehearted response! You bring up a very good point. If we are feeling overwhelmed by stress in general, depending on our stress symptoms, we are probably going to be in a state of agitation and frustration. This would certainly make a bout of anger more likely. It makes me think of those days were every little thing can go wrong and we start to experience a downward spiral if we’re not careful. I think learning stress-management would be a great way to maintain a emotional balance! Thanks again for your kind words!