I have finally come to the conclusion that some people like to be miserable, that they actually feel happier when they are miserable. I’m sure that is an oxymoron, but I am guessing you know the kind of people I mean and we’re on the same page. I like to think that I align with people’s belief systems rather than trying to change them, so I thought it was remiss of me not to offer advice to those folk that think wallowing in self-pity and gloom makes for a great day out. Of course I understand that this doesn’t apply to you, but if you know somebody who likes to work on feeling bad about things, please feel free to help them out by passing on these handy tips on. If you’re ready to step it up in the misery stakes I’m ready to help so get that frown in place, have a quick grumble about the Government, mutter that kids today have got no respect and let’s get on with the business in hand.
Always whine and complain about stuff that is out of your control. Great examples are the weather, other people’s actions and the housing market. Don’t ever miss an opportunity to remind people that life is much worse and much harder than they think it is. Then drive home your point by giving them a long list of examples of stuff that is wrong with the world and why it was better during the depression/war/60’s* (* delete where applicable).
Keep up to date on celebrity culture. We all know that celebrities lead charmed, perfect lives. They don’t ever get sick; they have lots of money and are all perfectly balanced human beings. Read up on them, yearn to be them and above all idolize them as the gods they are. Never forget that your life is a meaningless travesty compared to theirs.
Be a martyr and never ever put your own needs first. Make sure that you put your spouse, kids even the mail mans happiness above yours. These people are far more important than you, so show them that by neglecting yourself. Don’t worry if you get sick and die because that will just cement your position in the Martyr’s Hall of Fame.Berate yourself often. If you make a mistake, tell yourself. You know you’re a jerk so tear yourself off a strip and do it in as an aggressive and condescending manner as possible. If you ever find yourself saying nice stuff internally, back up, delete it, and then say something along the lines of “You half-wit who the hell do you think you are?”
Judge others. Don’t listen to people that say you can’t judge a book by a cover. You haven’t got time to read books so how else are you supposed to make up your mind than glancing at the cover? If they are fat then they eat too much, if they smoke they are stupid and if they are out of work then it’s obvious they’re lazy. Soldiers, surgeons and athletes have to make rapid decisions so why not you?
Keep updated on local news. Make sure you know who has murdered whom and more importantly, which drug-crazed lunatic is on the rampage in your neighborhood. Don’t go to bed feeling cheerful when you can watch stories about the worsening economy, rising crime rates and foot tapping politicians hanging around in public bathrooms.
Eat junk food, drink lots of beer and never exercise. Fresh fruit and vegetables are for wusses that are scared to eat a triple pounder deluxe with extra bacon and 62 different kinds of cheese. Those same wusses probably can’t knock back 10 beers a night and an 18″ pizza. A good diet and exercise can help you feel good mentally and look good physically. Who needs that I ask you? Stick to your guns and ignore those fitness fascists like the plague. After all, if you get fit you have to stay fit and that requires time, time that you need to watch TV.
Watch more TV. If you are watching 8 hours per day that’s not enough, edge it up a bit. Aim for a diet of reality TV, local news, soap operas and anything that humiliates people. Avoid programmes that are remotely informative like the plague, so PBS and anything on the BBC is right out, and anyway they’re probably run by commies.
Refuse to see other people’s point of view. If you have an opinion, stick to it. You’ve spent years fine-tuning your belief system so hang on to it for grim death. Nobody likes a fickle, weak-willed, flip-flopper so don’t let something as simple as contrary evidence persuade you that you could be wrong. Even if you realize you are wrong, bat on regardless and look confident. If that doesn’t work, shout a lot.
Catastrophize. You haven’t had a bad day at work you’ve had a nightmare. You haven’t been sick you have been violently sick. You haven’t got a tough boss; you’ve got the boss from hell. Get the message? If something is worth feeling bad about then it’s worth feeling really, really bad about. Never use expressions like “It’s not so bad” or “There was a silver lining” They will only serve to lessen the impact of negative events and we need to ramp them up. When you get really skilled at this you can slip phrases like “I was violently sick and my boss from hell made my day an absolutely nightmare” into any conversation with aplomb.
Waste time e-mailing people to complain about stuff that’s nothing to do with you. Don’t read a book or do some work, don’t even relax or walk the dog. Get on your computer and look for something that you can feel indignant about. Get your blood pressure and heart rate up and then shoot off a scathing e-mail. Celebrate with a cigarette, a double espresso and a small heart attack.
Play the lottery. You know you’ll never have much money as things are; so base your future plans on the 1 in 100 million possibility that you can win the big one. If you normally spend $5 per week don’t forget to increase that to $25 when there is a rollover. Let’s face it, you’d struggle to cope on the $10m that is the weekly prize, you really need that $100m mega rollover. Unfortunately for you though, there are part-time players that can’t cope with the normal prize either and jump on your bandwagon when the pot gets that big. In such cases you need to buy lots more tickets. This can be a double-whammy for misery seekers everywhere if you keep a log of what you spent. At the end of the year, add it all up and ponder what you could have bought with the $1000 or so you wasted. Better still; ask a financial expert how much that money would have worth been in 10 years time if invested properly.
Drift into your job. Never, ever have a career plan! Take a job that pays ok money and then spend every day despising it. Don’t worry; you have another 8 or so waking hours to do good stuff. Well I say 8 hours, I guess by the time you have done the shopping, cleaned the house, driven to work, done the finances, worked any overtime and all that other good stuff it’ll be more like 4 or 5, but who’s counting?Consolidate your debts. This is a no-brainer. Don’t have 3 or 4 small debts here there and everywhere paying 8% on each, get one huge debt and pay 15%. It makes sense, you haven’t got time to manage 3 or 4 debts, Jerry Springer is on! When you’ve signed up for the consolidation asks your friend the financial adviser how much extra interest you’ll be paying over the next 62 years. Make sure you’re sat down with a large brandy, some smelling salts and a defibrillator to hand when he answers you.
Understand you’re worthless without a degree. In the history of the world, nobody has ever been successful without first doing well at school. It’s actually illegal in most countries. If you haven’t got at least one degree you are unemployable in anything other than flipping burgers. Give up trying to get a decent job now to avoid future disappointment.
Don’t accept compliments. If somebody compliments you on something you need to find out what they’re after. They couldn’t possible be genuine they are trying to manipulate you, don’t rest until you find out what it is. Nobody ****** down your back and tells you it’s raining.Give up. Try, try and try again said Robert The Bruce. Well yeh, great advice if you’re a spider Bob. Spiders only have one thing to do and that’s, spin webs. You have billions of things to do so if something gets tough, quit on it and move onto something that gives immediate gratification.
Hopefully now you know some great ways to make you even more miserable than you were before, good luck with your endeavors. I guess some people reading this would prefer to be happy and for those sorry souls I suppose you could do just the opposite. The choice is yours.