This is the third session of Ask The Coach. The main aim of this weekly session is to ask you, the reader, to ask a question to the coach by posting a comment on this post and each week myself and Ayo Olaniyan will attempt to help you by answering your question.
This week I have decided to change the format to one coach answering the questions as the responses were becoming too in depth for one post. So Ayo Olaniyan is your coach for this week.
So lets get started with the this session.
Question from LWWAnswered by coach Ayo Olaniyan
My question is a bit long-winded, sorry about that!
I'm in my late 20's and have suffered from anxiety in the past and got some help through the Dr in the form of counselling. Once that was completed I felt a lot stronger and happier within myself and looked forward to the future and had a good 18 months of feeling good and also dealing with problems, including being made redundant and some difficult people at work. That was 2 and a bit years ago.
Since then, I've changed careers, returned to uni on a part time basis, whilst working full time hours, 50+ a week, in a new and hard environment. Its brought on anxieties that I've had in the past, left me feeling constantly tired, miserable, feeling totally inadequate and compared too many people I work with, totally alien in personality and mindset. The role has been important as its been a foot in the door and valuable experience for which I can now use to my advantage in the future as my route of work branches off but its left me feeling very anxious.
I'd describe myself as easy going, probably thinking about others first and what the older generation would call term as a "˜worrier' and I feel like I can't assert myself.
I'm really worried about this taking a firmer grip that it has already as I want to be successful and most of all happy. I'm finding as in the past its becoming a major stumbling block because as I worry my attention is deteriorating, I'm always anxieties about what people are going to say to me in work, which has manifested itself into my social life. As mentioned above, I see myself as too nice.
I've had a bit of verbal bullying as a teenager, which I didn't real deal with well and at times, thankfully, despite not being bullied in work I feel like that same teenager who felt totally stuck, frustrated and feel like I've got no like minded people around me to help me through this.
So, what can I do to move forward, to hopefully manage and deal with this for the future?
Thanks for posting your question on "˜Ask The Coach.
My response would be split into 5 different parts. I would highlight each paragraph and you can visit https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/2009/08/06/ask-the-coach/ to view the question again.
I'm in my late 20's and have suffered from anxiety in the past and got some help through the Dr in the form of counselling. Once that was completed "¦"¦"¦..
Although you didn't mention your previous anxieties and why you suffered from them, some valid points are raised here.
Determination: One thing common in all the paragraphs written was your being determined to see changes, become successful, resolve your anxieties, build better relationships, move forward and secure your future. One of the factors responsible for success is determination. While you received counsel from the doctor, you were determined to resolve your anxieties; you made your choices and took action for every situation you found yourself in. There was a sense of fulfillment because you were seeing results, exhibiting confidence and your level of anxiety was under control. This continued when you were made redundant and went through difficult periods; there was a sense of determination to always come out on top.
My point in the first paragraph is although you have a past where you are coming from and several events have occurred "˜YOU MUST ALWAYS CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT YOU WERE DETERMINED TO RESOLVE ANY DIFFICULTY YOU WERE FACING' Don't let memories of the past be negative only "˜I was bullied as a teenager, nobody really liked me, I am not confident"¦. Come on give yourself some credit. What about good memories?? YOU DID IT ONCE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN.
Since then, I've changed careers, returned to uni on a part time basis, whilst working full time hours, 50+ a week, in a new and hard environment"¦"¦"¦"¦
It appears you have a goal and focus here because you changed careers (you must have a reason for doing that), is developing your skills/broadening your knowledge by going back to the university and these all constitute to part of your action plan for this phase of your life. It's normal to feel tired, exhausted sometimes confused when we chart new courses because there are risks, time, money energy, emotions, decisions etc. involved.
To whom much is given, much is expected. One thing I always advocate is networking with a bit of common sense. Establishing positive relationships with your colleagues won't do any harm, stop being hard on yourself and driving yourself beyond what you can take as a person.
There are a few flags raised against your self esteem and this is one of them. Give yourself a break, take pride in what you do, love yourself, be pleased with yourself and what you do.
There is a lot of valuable experience to be gained from your current place of work but you may not achieve anything if you are always:
- Hard on yourself
- Trying too hard
- Losing sight of your focus/goal
- Constantly putting yourself down.
- Failing to establish positive relationships with colleagues. Remember there is no "˜I' in team.
Stop worrying about your past, you've conquered it before YOU CAN FACE GREATER CHALLENGES, YOU KNOW YOU CAN!!!!
Don't tag yourself as a worrier, the challenges may be difficult but always remember those 2 years of your life were you gained control of your emotions, lived life in fierce storms and survived. There would be times worrying creeps up your mind, the future is uncertain, our steps/actions may go unrecognized, but try as much as you can to gain control of your emotions, show a bit optimism, build confidence from your past achievements, celebrate yourself, hang around friends and family, talk about it, do things for the right reasons and always have an action plan/strategy.
I'm really worried about this taking a firmer grip that it has already as I want to be successful and most of all happy"¦"¦.
You have used the term worried a number of times in your question so it must be an issue. Take a deep breath, calm down, you will be fine. It's not just only positive affirmations, but you must take action, do something!! You have the ability to make a change because you are determined and has done it before.
In this paragraph you have highlighted the effects of worrying: losing your attention, remembering the past (which you scaled through), social life etc.
A painful but true statement is "˜WE CANT BE LIKED BY EVERYONE'. Having said that we must try our best to communicate with people properly but some won't GET IT!!! Do your job, gather as much knowledge/experience, interact with people on your team, be as natural or as helpful as you can be, exert boldness, be firm.."¦ Worry less about what people say or think about you, if its not constructive criticism, then it's not worth your time energy or worry. Do your job, be happy with what you do, be an expert in your field, carve out your style and most if be yourself.
Being a people pleaser sometimes allows us become taken for granted, reduces our level of confidence, frustrates us, makes us vulnerable"¦"¦
Be authentic, not nasty, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE, BUT YOU CAN CREATE A POSITIVE IMPRESSION ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE MINDS OF EVERYONE, EVEN IF SOME DON'T LIKE IT.
Work on your strengths, it could be your lovely smile, listening habit, hard work, paying attention to detail, soft spoken, critical thinking"¦"¦ There are good things about you. The question is DO you know them???
Build on your strengths. What's wrong with being nice? Nice people are approachable, good listeners, team players"¦. go on I am sure you know the rest laugh!!! But in the cause of being nice you must always trust your instincts, use your common sense and learn to hold back sometimes even when it's glaring you should get involved. Earn your respect and trust, don't demand for it or try hard to get it.
I've had a bit of verbal bullying as a teenager, which I didn't real deal with well and at times, thankfully, despite not being bullied"¦"¦"¦.
The good news is, you are no more a teenager. Your past shouldn't condition your present or future state. You have a drive because you want to see changes in your outlook an personal development.
The past events although painful, but have a think about present/future event. What do you see? Is there a desirable goal? Is it realistic? Does it spur/motivate you? Go ahead believe in yourself, make progressive steps, find out what your strengths are and be comfortable in it.
We all have different backgrounds, values, upbringing, pasts etc some of them we would love to relive, others we would want to delete completely. In dealing with past events we need to look at actions we have taken previously that brought both positive results and failures. We also need to look at our present actions and see the direction in which they are heading.
We worry so much about the pains of the past; we forget the victories we've experienced. If your past had nothing positive about it, then it's time to start working on your present/future to create a sense of joy and fulfillment no matter how little it is.
About you having no like minded people to help you through it"¦ My take on that is there are people out there to build you up, encourage, motivate you; it depends on your approach and their understanding. REMEMEBER people could show you different paths to take, offer various suggestions, counsel etc YOU make the choices or decisions to improve yourself.
Be comfortable around friends and family, have fun with people. They don't always have to understand all you are going through, grow in positive relationships.
If you are looking for things to motivate you, this blog has enough topics covered on several aspects of personal development that would enhance your personal growth.
Remember you have great strengths; be authentic and comfortable in them. They can help you move forward and manage the future.
Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitiveâ„¢ Life Coach and Counsellor. He is a member of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council, an accredited professional counsellor with the Counselling Society and the author of Expanding Your Horizons. If you would like to enquire about personal and professional one-to-one coaching sessions, please visit www.discoveringpurpose.co.uk or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Remember, it's about creating a purpose driven life through personal development.