Making friends is not easy for a lot of people, and for some the thought of speaking to others is terrifying. This can be debilitating in your life and if you're the self conscious type it makes it even worse. You might worry about what people think of you, you might be thinking about saying the right thing too much, rather than being yourself and engaging in authentic conversation.
Many people suffer from self consciousness and the need to impress, and it shows. It's easy for people to say: "˜relax, just be yourself' that's no good when you don't really know who you are as you're trying to impress too many different kinds of people.
I was self conscious around very intelligent people, but I got over it once I realised I was intelligent enough to speak to intelligent people, how intelligent is that!!
Know yourself
You can't make friends with people until you know what type of people you want to like. To know what type of person you want to like you have to know yourself first.
How on earth do you begin to know yourself?
Write yourself down on a piece of paper, seriously.
On a sheet of paper get to know yourself by asking yourself questions, for example:
What type of films do you like?
What type of books do you like to read?
What sports do you like?
What are your hobbies?
Who do you like to spend time with?
What are your best personality traits?
What are your worst personality traits?
What are your goals?
What are your values?
What are your principles
By asking yourself lots of questions, you will begin to understand what makes you tick. When you know this you begin to see how you will live your life and then it will become clear what type of friends you want in your life. You have to know your own values and principles before you befriend other people.
Values and principles
If you don't really know yourself you will befriend some people and maybe later on you will wonder why you ever befriended that person, it's because they are not aligned to your true values and principles.
So, sit down with a good cup of tea, or whatever is your want, and make a date with yourself. Getting to know you, may sound ridiculous but you may be surprised how much you will find out about yourself.
Looking at your friends
Once you have found out what your true values and principles are, it's time to look at your friends and find out if you really want to stay friends.
I remember having some friends in my teens. When I realised I wasn't aligned to their values and principles and they were not aligned to mine, I decided to split from them. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make but it changed the course of my life.
Aligning yourself to the right people, and by that I mean the right people for you, you will become comfortable with yourself and you will start to feel confident and secure in your environment.
Once you are secure you can then start to move a little outside your comfort zone and stretch yourself. For example, if one of your values is to be a positive person, it will be natural to want to be around positive people. If you have been around negative people a lot, it might be out of your comfort zone to try and befriend positive people. However you will eventually do this, as you will be more secure and confident within yourself and know what you really want in life.
The Pride of Loneliness
The world has never been so connected but we have never been so alone. When was the last time you had a conversation with your neighbours? When did you last strike up a conversation with someone in a lift (an elevator)? Our world has become so exciting and manic that we are forgetting to connect with each other.
If we want to speak to someone we send a "˜quick email' or give them a "˜quick call', if we want to see our friends holiday snaps we check out their Bebo site, if we want to meet someone new we check out a dating website.
If we want to make true friends with people, we have to start connecting with them on a genuine way.
Playing games
A lot of us have become so psychologically and politically aware that we are all playing games with each other. When you are dating someone new have you ever held off calling that person for fear of them knowing you like him or her, have you ever come across this scenario:
You have met someone you like and it's clear they like you, you go to call them to meet up:
You: "˜He might think I like him too much so I will hold off calling them, I'll wait another few days'
Them: "˜I wish she would call, I don't want to call in case she thinks I am desperate, I'll wait another couple of days and call her'
We play games at work, in our love life, in our business life and even in our family life. All of this adds up to us feeling even more alone and isolated from each other.
Being genuine
If it's one thing I have learned in life that has helped me more than anything and that's being honest and genuine. By genuine I mean not having an agenda when speaking to someone. I have gained a reputation of being a very honest and open person. If somebody asks me a question that they may not like the answer to I always ask "˜Do you want me to tell the truth here or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?' I have mixed reactions to that question, but it has gained me a great reputation of being trustworthy and honest.
It's time to stop playing games and being honest with yourself and being honest with others, this will start you on the road to connecting with others again.
Being honest can be hard for some people however the effort of being honest will stand you in good stead for making friends easily.
We all need people to help us in life, we need love, we need praise, and we need conversation. Even online we need people to help us reach our goals. If it wasn't for you reading this article right now I wouldn't have a blog, I wouldn't have 2000 subscribers to this blog, I wouldn't have written one single word if it wasn't for you. I have made some great contacts through blogging and I am one of the most anti-social people you could meet, however I choose my relationships wisely and don't collect friends for the sake of it. I recognise the importance of creating lasting friendships for myself and for others.
We are social creatures and we all need somebody. Why not smile at that person in the lift and strike up a conversation, stop and speak to your neighbours for 5 minutes, have a genuine conversation with no agenda with your work colleagues. It's time to become a social-human again instead of a techno-human.
The art of honesty
It's easy to say be honest and open with everyone but there is an art to being honest.
I remember when I was about 19, I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub, (that was back in the day when you just went up to a girl and tapped her on the shoulder and she was obliged to dance with you). I was talking away to her, just general chitchat. I then asked when her baby was due, as she was obviously pregnant. She looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said, obviously the music was too loud, I then asked her "˜When is the baby due?' looking toward her stomach. She glared at me and said "˜I'm not pregnant, I'm just ******* fat' and she then stormed off. Now that was embarrassing. What did I learn from that? "“ Never ask a fat woman if she is pregnant! Yep, but I learned to keep my mouth shut until I was sure of the facts else a swift kick between the legs could be on its way. That wasn't about honesty it was about diplomacy and tact and it ties in nicely with the art of honesty.
Honesty is telling the truth to people and telling the truth to yourself. This is a big distinction to make. Some people lie to themselves and can't get to the truth, as they are lost in their own self-lies.
Why being honest is important
To gain respect from others and to have respect for yourself it is important to be honest and true to yourself and others. If you are honest from the outset you will gain a reputation for being an honest person, therefore you will gain the reputation for being trustworthy, therefore gaining the reputation of being dependable. Being honest can open so many doors for you.
Practising honesty with yourself
To practise honesty you have to start being honest with yourself.
Are you a lazy git "“ if so, admit it and do something about it,
Are you fat "“ Admit it, and do something about it if you're not happy with it
Are you gorgeous "“ Admit it and make the most of it
Are you good at something "“ admit it and keep learning to become better
Do you really want that job "“ Look for another one and chuck the one you don't like
Do you really want to be with your partner "“
There are many questions to ask yourself and ask you must to ever have self-respect.
Practising honesty with others
Once you are comfortable telling yourself the truth it is time to tell others in a way that is neither offensive or hurtful.
Q. Do I look fat in this? "“
A. It's not the kind of thing I would wear, now unless they have a very low IQ they will know what you mean here but without hurting and embarrassing them.
Q. Can you to take on another project? "“
A. I would love to work on that, however I want more time with my family and I am already working on "¦"¦"¦"¦"¦This is being assertive which goes hand in hand with honesty once you have practised honesty for a while.
I am sure you can think of hundreds of scenarios where you have to tell the truth but feel a little uncomfortable doing it. If you shy away from telling the truth or standing up for yourself practise little by little. Once you've overcome the first honesty hurdle the rest become easier.
My wife always asks me my opinion on something she is wearing, or something she wants my opinion on, as she knows I will be completely honest without being hurtful and she respects that.
From now on"¦
If you want more respect for yourself and you want others to respect you it is important for honesty in your life.
There are two rules I would use when being honest:
When you are being honest with other people, be tactful not hurtful
When being honest with yourself, be blunt and take action.
Body language
We've all read about body language and seen TV programs about it. It's one of the most important parts to communication we can master and there is an art to body language, both the receiving of body language and the giving out of body language.
Learning about body language can help when making friends and when wanting to help your overall interaction with others personally or in business or in the workplace.
You might not realise that body language has wide range of components. Here are the main categories:
- Kinesics (body language)
- Proxemics (proximity)
- Haptics
- Oculesics
- Chronemics
- Olfactics
- Vocalics
- Adornment
- Locomotion Walking, running, staggering, limping
Although body language skills can be learned to a degree it is extremely difficult to teach due to the nature of humans and the different shapes and sizes we come. However if we know the components of body language and have a rough idea of the structure we can become better body language communicators.
Obviously to look at each component and write about it would be a book in itself so I will give an example of each component and direct you to a useful website.
Kinesics: This is how we use our body to let others know how we are feeling. Some body language signals used are:
Shoulder shrug: The simple act of a shoulder shrug can tell someone a lot about you if you use this gesture a lot. It's basically telling the other person that you are quite submissive, you're telling them you don't know something and sometimes you're saying you don't really care. It's also a sign of resignation and possibly that you've given up on something.
You can read more about Kinesics here
Proxemics: This is the use of space to signal privacy or attraction to someone. There are four different types of space: social space, personal space, intimate space and public space.
When you are attracted to someone you will notice that you will stand closer to them and don't mind them coming into your personal space. On the other hand if you are not attracted to someone your personal space becomes bigger and the person that enters that space will be given clues by you to back off or you will back off.
Be careful to read the signs correctly about personal space as it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing for you and the person you are with, if not read correctly.
You can read more about Proxemics here
Haptics: The use of touch to convey feelings. Have you ever had someone who touches you on the shoulder or the arm when they are talking to you? This is the use of Haptics to convey a sign or trust or attraction. Think about a time when you are chatting to someone and they touch your arm when they are telling you a story, this happens quite a lot in human interaction, but only with people who trust you or whom you trust.
This also happens when two people are attracted to each other and it is a way of touching the other person in a non-sexual way but still give the sign that you are interested in them.
Couples use haptics all the time to convey love for each other and of course to show love for each other.
You can read more about Haptics here
Oculesics: This is the use of eye contact to convey your feelings. We will use eye contact every day of our lives so it makes sense to learn the best ways to use your eyes to your advantage.
Certain situations demand different uses of the eyes. For example, if you are arguing it is seen as strong if you can hold your gaze. If you are deferring to someone it is better to lower your eyes, if you are loving someone, it is good to stare into the pool of the eyes.
Eye contact is one of the most important areas in non-verbal communication.
You can read more about Oculesics here
Chronemics: Use of time, waiting, pausing. I remember being obsessed with t