Ok. So a lot of people think that being rejected is the worse thing that can happen to them.
I believe part of that is because we are so conditioned to seek acceptance from society. I mean, come on, nobody wants to be a total freak.
Okay, maybe some sociopaths.
But in all seriousness, people tend to see non-acceptance as a sign of non-worthiness. When some people get rejected, they take a huge blow to their self-worth, and the result is a mangled pile of rusted self confidence.
On the other hand, when a person responds positively to rejection, the hammer of worthlessness doesn’t have the opportunity to smite them.
In fact, when rejection is properly channeled, the person can learn and grow from the experience, and come out of the situation much better than if they had just been accepted.
A Story
Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine who is a poet.
Yes, a poet. Okay, maybe that’s not his full-time day job, but he does make some decent money at it… so in my eyes, he’s a poet. I’ll keep his name a secret so I don’t embarrass him. (Some people would rather not be associated with me, for obvious reasons).
Part of being a poet is sending out poems to try and get published, and if you’re at all familiar with the career of a writer, you know that writers get lots of rejections.
It’s no different for my friend.
He started by sending out one poem, seeking acceptance in a famous poetry journal.
Guess what? He got rejected.
So he decided to write a handful of poems, and send them out to different literary journals.
To his amazement, a couple of them got accepted.
So he wrote a handful more, submitted those to several journals, and while he was waiting to get responses, he wrote another handful of poems and sent those out.
So he got a few more poems accepted, and all the rest were rejected.
Pretty soon he developed a system of writing a little bit each day, and sending out poems to different journals on a regular basis. He accumulated a growing pile of acceptances, and a big, fat, steaming pile of rejections.
Fast forward a few years, and now he has three books of award winning poems, he’s the winner of several of the most prestigious poetry awards, and his poems have appeared in well over a hundred literary journals.
Even though he experienced rejection after rejection, he chose to focus on the acceptances, and realized that rejection was just a necessary part of the process. In fact, he would go on to review editor comments and learn why he was rejected. He would revise his poetry and re-submit it to other journals where they were eventually accepted. He learned from his rejections the rules and types of submissions that particular journals like, and as a result he started to get accepted at a much higher rate.
Instead of rejection being a sign of his worthlessness, a dirty label slapped on his back, he used that rejection as an opportunity to increase his value as a poet. Each rejection was not a curse, but rather another opportunity to perfect the poem and send it elsewhere.
Keep taking the shots
One of my favorite quotes about rejection is from the sporting world which has been attributed to Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky, among others:
“You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
How true is that? If you’re not willing to step up and try, you’ll never be able to accomplish anything.
The trick to rejection is once you take the first shot, and you fail, you’ve got to keep going. You’ve got to keep looking for a way and pushing forward towards what you want in life.
You’ve got to keep taking the shots, or else you won’t grow and develop yourself into what you want to become. You’ve got to learn from the rejections, and approach the next shot smarter and with more diligence.
Then, you can turn all the rejection around, and enjoy the benefits that even the smallest acceptance can provide.
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Hi Jered, welcome to CYT and thank you for a thought provoking article.
I love the way you have re-framed rejection and have put a positive spin on it and given a great example with your poet friend. I think if we see rejection as a natural part of the process then it will not matter as much.
I also love the quote you gave from Michael Jordan.
Thank you, Steven, for the opportunity to share this article.
The greatest thing I’ve learned about rejection is that no matter how bad it feels initially, I’ve got to keep pushing forward.
It was a pleasure to write this for Change Your Thoughts.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Very interesting. I enjoyed reading the article. It is true that rejection sometimes act as a stepping stone in our growth process.
Well written. Thanks.
Jacob
Jacob recently posted..How can I receive Jesus in my life
I think you’re right when you say that rejection can sometimes be a stepping stone to something better.
Thanks for the kind words.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Great post–simply expressed, and probably the first time I’ve seen the sports quote applied to a poet’s life
Meg recently posted..Unexpected Smiles in a Simpler Life
Meg,
Thank you for your kind words. I find the amount of rejection that a writer can go through is staggering, and I also find I am inspired by writers who trudge forward and perfect their craft even amidst harsh rejection.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Great post Jared. I think that many times we get so carried away with rejection that we miss the bigger picture. More importantly, we miss the opportunities that life throws our way because we focus on what’s not working instead of moving forward constantly.
Walt Disney said that “We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
I think the key is to just keep moving forward despite all the obstacles and rejection that lies along our path. I think your poet friend knew this very well
Adam,
I agree with you that the key is to just keep moving forward and to try to find a way over, around, or through the obstacles.
That’s a great quote by Walt Disney. He certainly is a role model for someone who kept pushing towards a purpose and vision despite all of the obstacles that stood in his way.
Thanks for your comment.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Hi Jered,
What a great topic – that’s so overlooked! I agree with you – if we change the way we see rejection – it won’t stop us dead in our tracks. In my “real” life I’m a 100% commissioned sales person, so I have to really work hard at getting business in the door and to stick. One of the ways I deal with rejection is that I have decided it takes 4 “no” replies to get to a yes. This way when I get rejected I just say, “I’m now 3 closer to yes, or 2 closer to a yes,” I no longer take it personally -
Angela Artemis recently posted..5 Books to Blow Open Your Intuitive Mind
Angela,
You bring up a great point. It’s so easy to take rejection personally and let it get us down.
I also think pushing forward and doing the best we can is a great way to overcome that feeling.
Thank you for your kind words.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Awesome post, Jered!
Living the writing life helped me push past fear of rejection too. Another thing that helped me is being around kids. When I watch kids I can see that they naturally have different preferences and tastes . . . there’s nothing personal in it whatsoever. Some like vanilla and some like strawberry and that’s just a fact of life. I learned to translate this to my writing and to myself in general. Not everyone likes the same flavors in food so why would everyone like my personality or my writing?
Jean Sarauer recently posted..Four Critical Components to Your Blog’s Success
Jean,
mmm… Ice cream! I really love Blue Bunny’s Peanut Butter Panic! lol
Anyways, I think knowing how to meet and exceed expectations can really cut down a lot on rejection. If you know that the kid loves strawberry and hates chocolate, and you really want to do something nice for him, you wouldn’t serve chocolate.
Great insight, Jean.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
This is a great post. We have two choices when we are faced with rejection, to get down on ourselves or to make the best of it and either move on or grow from it.
There are plenty of stories of famous people who wouldn’t have become famous if they had succumbed to the rejection they received. I think of Walt Disney who was not hired for a job because he was told that he lacked imagination. Or Abraham Lincoln who faced many different rejections along the way before he became president.
If handled right the rejections that we face can help us to become the best that we can be!
Stacy recently posted..How to Deal With Difficult People
Right on, Stacy.
I know when I applied for a job as a Writing Consultant, at first they told me I didn’t have enough experience.
I got the experience. I focused my energy into taking the classes, learning the people skills, and becoming highly focused and energized.
When the time for interviews came again, I was highly qualified, and recommended for the job.
Just goes to show, if you want something bad enough, you can use that as motivation to push yourself to become better.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
A post that tells of a sad situation – and flips to the other side to reveal opportunities for growth, lessons and adventure elsewhere. This would make a great eye-opener for people who have encountered, “No”, “Thanks for your time, though” and “Good luck trying it somewhere else.” It teaches folks how to build a door when one or two has been closed on them. A really refreshing approach to building up confidence and keeping people motivated despite unpleasant surprises.
Arina from Arina’s Self Help Blog recently posted..Design Your Life- Find Out What Is Holding You Back
Arina,
Thank you for your kind words.
Your comment made me think of a Tony Robbin’s quote:
“It’s in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.”
When we choose how to feel about rejection, we are choosing our destiny. We can say “I am worthless” or “I’m not good enough” or “This is not for me” and give up. Or we can use the rejection as a learning experience to better ourselves and push forward to accomplish our dreams.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
This is an amazing post which you have ‘transform’ the meaning of rejection to motivation.
As Stacy mentioned, there are numerous stories of famous and successful people who had initially faced many rejections on their journey to success. One of them is Colonel Sanders, the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, who faced a little more than 1000 rejections until his recipe was finally accepted!
I think persistence is the key word if one wants to succeed as I believe that without failures there will be no success. So don’t let rejections (failure) hinder us.
Thanks for sharing, Jered.
Alex Yong recently posted..Do You Have Realistic Goals
I agree with you, Alex. Persistence is the name of the game.
Thank you for your kind words.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Dear Steve,
I just LOVE this. Very timely for me and so empowering! I got shivers feeling the positivity in this, and shivers thinking about who your friend is. There is a remarkable Scottish poet that I love listening to when he reads his poems.
Regardless, This is a powerful post, one that cannot be repeated often enough. And one that can be applied to all walks of life, whether we are a writer or an artist or a musican, or other. It doesn’t matter; the message is the same.
Thank you SO much dear friend. I think of you very often, and am more honored than you know, to be part of your “clan”.
Much love to you, your wife and boys.
Robin
PS I showed your video review of Naked in Eden to a friend, and she cried. Said what a deeply sincere human being you are. I just beamed, and said, I know!! : )
Robin Easton recently posted..Field of Love – Nature Contest
Just saw this was written by Jered! So THANK YOU, Jered!! It is wonderful!! And meaningful to me right now as a writer, and many other things. I just love the whole positive feel to it. Wonderful.
Thank you, Robin.
I really like how you said the post’s message can be applied to any walk of life.
I am pleased that this post resonated with you.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Hi Jered,
I used to be in sales and we would welcome rejection – our mantra was 10 rejections equals one sale, so the more we got, the closer we were to the sale!! I suppose this can be applied to anything in life – one of my male friends swears he gets so many dates as he asks out every woman he meets – of course lots of them reject him but law of averages says not all of them will!
Kate recently posted..Overcoming Fear and Taking Action
lol, Kate.
That brings up a good point about another leadership super-power: initiative.
Taking that first step is hard, especially when you don’t know it will pay off, or if you’ll be rejected. Being able to initiate without the fear of rejection holding you back is a great super-power to have, for sure.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Jered,
I absolutely love this story of your poet friend. It’s such a great model for how to work with rejection. It really pepped me up and inspired me to remember that you will never reach 100% acceptance and that’s totally OK. The comments are excellent too!
Sandra Lee recently posted..Sunday reflection- we are what we think
Sandra,
I’m thrilled that this post was able to inspire you.
I think a lot of celebrities say that a lot: Just know you’re not going to please everyone… and you don’t have to. Focus on the people that appreciate you for who you are.
Rejection is just a part of life. Not everything is going to go our way. Well… not unless your Jean Sarauer. ; ) lol.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
I enjoyed this post and I enjoyed your humor too Jered. Incidentally a good laugh is not a bad way antidote for pesky feelings of rejection…
I love the ocean. Right now, I’m afraid I’m a long way from the sea. But it’s still a good example. The sea gives its gifts, which are vital, and many, but isn’t too concerned really whether you or I appreciate it or not, hold an attitude of scorn toward it or not…it just keeps right on doing what it is so good at. And so may I, and so may you…
Christopher Foster recently posted..One blogger’s 8 guiding principles
Chris,
I love your metaphor of the sea. I hope you may continue doing what you’re good at, and I may continue doing what I’m good at… and we both can contribute something special back to this great world.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
I’m sorry to say that I personally “reject” your premise.
It’s one thing to receive impersonal literary rejections by the bucket load. The key is, those are NOT PERSONAL. No editor sits down to personally reject an author. In fact, most rejection letters are pre-printed and don’t carry a personal signature. Literary rejection IS a part of the business. It still rankles or hurts, but if a writer has done her homework, she knows even the best writers get rejection slips.
Being rejected personally, on the other hand, is one of the most devastating things to happen to us. I think you need to qualify what you said here before you make such a blanket statement. Below I’ve listed some personal rejections that have long-lasting effects, sometimes for the rest of a person’s life.
*You ask the love of your life to marry you and this person you adore and want to spend the rest of your life with says “no.”
*You interview for a job you really want and maybe need, and you aren’t hired.
*You work up your courage to ask a very special someone out on a date and you get laughed at.
*You share ideas in a meeting with the big boss and every one of them is shot down, only to be implemented later by someone else.
*You go to the church to get married and you’re left at the altar.
*You come home one day to find divorce papers awaiting you.
*You apply to the one college that offers the courses you need, and you’re not accepted.
These are only a small sampling of the kinds of deeply personal rejections people suffer every single day. To tell THESE people that rejection is a good thing, when they’re in the throes of feeling like a worthless piece of detritus, is GROSSLY insensitive.
I “get” that this is about success and our need for persevering through set-backs, but the title had my hackles up immediately. There is rejection, Jered, and then there’s REJECTION.
There is no doubt that in the fullness of time most people get over even the deepest-level rejections. And it’s certainly possible, once we work through the devastation, to eventually find the meaning and not only move on but to become the stronger for it. Such things build character. The truth is, though, that finding the positive comes only after time, healing and REFLECTION on the rejection.
Personally I find this propensity in success circles to put a positive spin on everything to be Pollyanna-ish. People feel what they feel. Don’t you need to affirm their right to their feelings and then guide them beyond that? You seem to blow off anything negative. You even made it seem like this is all about being accepted by society, then joked about sociopaths. That’s as far to the other side of this issue as you strayed.
Let me ask you this. How many times has a positive spin on a negative thing helped anyone who is in the MIDST of rejection (or any other devastating event)?
I can name countless people who tell the story that losing a job was the best thing that ever happened to them. But it’s always in RETROSPECT.
If your audience has the benefit of having some objective distance from a deeply personal rejection, then they will be able to hear and take heart and even act on what your cheerleading is telling them. But you’ll lose the rest. And you’ll have made their situations worse by REJECTING their feelings as somehow wrong. “You should look at this life-altering, self-worth-devastating rejection as something good, not bad!”
I have only, in the past 4 years (and I’m 61), begun to understand the critical importance of change my thinking to change my circumstances. This has been like learning a new language for me. But it has had dramatic results. I went from the depths of clinical depression that had been going on for decades, to depression-free in three months, with a brief round of anti-depressants to re-balance the chemicals in my brain.
But it started with someone who ticked me off royally.
So there I was in the depths of having lost a husband and a marriage, followed by losing a full-time job due to down-sizing, which resulted in losing my house and ultimately having my car repossessed — all in the same year that my only child went away to college where she would live with her dad. This left me with not only an “empty nest” but NO NEST.
And I’m on a telecall for adults who have just discovered they’re ADD, and this “kid” who’s in his thirties who doesn’t know me or my circumstances is telling me that where I am now is my own doing.
In retrospect (there’s that word again), he was right. But he was also dead wrong. He made the assumption, as many people do, that “one size fits all.” That’s what I object to with this “rejection is cool” premise.
I guarantee you that if he hadn’t laughed at me and said flippantly, “Don’t think that way,” as though I were stupid for not knowing this, I wouldn’t have gotten angry. And THAT saved my life, if he only knew.
Otherwise, I likely would have done away with myself. I mean think about this. I was as low as I could get in my self-loathing and I had reached out for help. And this guy tells me, a complete stranger, that essentially it’s all my fault. If I had taken that to heart, and focused on that, what would have been my reason to keep on living? (Have you thought of how this article might affect someone who is at rock-bottom because of a deep rejection? Will that person decide life isn’t worth living since you say he shouldn’t think like that?)
But fortunately, after I hung up the phone, a phrase came to me out of my memory, penetrating the fog that had enshrouded my life. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” I laid hold of those words as the lifeline that they were. The answer for me was not in psycho-babble or new-age thought or success-thinking. It was in words that came down through the ages to the very moment in time that I needed them.
From that instant, I was on an upward journey, having reached as far down as I could get. There was no sudden, dramatic change in my situation. I wasn’t capable of doing anything more than the most rudimentary “put one foot in front of the other” actions. But that one thought, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” set me on a slow (and sometimes still painful) journey out of the fog and into the light of day.
That young man had been correct in one sense, but it wasn’t in my acceptance that I was responsible for where I was. It was in laying hold of this: that I and my circumstances could be transformed if I renewed my thinking by paying attention to the truth. And the truth does, in fact, set us free.
My point is, that the truth of my situation was far more complex than I imagined, and even now I haven’t gotten all the way to the depths of that truth. And no flippant “Then don’t think like that. You are where you are because you want to be,” even begins to scratch the surface of that truth.
Be careful how universal you try to make these positive spins on the negative. You can’t begin to know how the wrong people will take what you say and what harm to themselves they may cause. An ill-chosen word could have tragic effects.
Please, please, please! QUALIFY what you say. You bear the responsibility for every word you speak (or write), in the name of helping people. Your audience isn’t homogeneous.
Maybe I had a knee-jerk reaction to this because of the journey I’ve been on. Maybe I’m not your target audience. All I know is, I’m not the Lone Ranger. I can’t be the only person wanting to achieve success who felt the sting of reading that rejection is COOL. Not always, Jered. Not always.
Deb Gallardo the Story Ideas Virtuoso recently posted..The Healthy Writer – 10 Tips for Healthier Eating
Hi Jered,
What a beautiful story about your poet friend. There is no doubt about it, successful achievers know that every “no” offers an insight that takes them a little closer to “yes.” There is a unique richness that comes with feeling enthusiastic about life in spite of adversity.
Thanks, Rob.
I think you bring up an excellent point about being enthusiastic in spite of adversity. Part of it is just realizing that focusing on the negative is not going to help get us closer to what we’re looking for.
Great insight.
Jered recently posted..Leading with an Open Mind
Much as we have not to worry whether we are rejected in a society or not but provided we can see ourself through with our personal challenges and brake through the silence of our own obstacles,I feel no one is an Island of himself,therefore, in the process of executing things that concerns you,in one way or the other you will need 0thers and surpprisingly,it could be the very person who rejects.
What is the the end result in your psychology…………!!?
Hi Jered. I think rejection is like failure for most people. We know that it is a normal part of life, but we do everything possible to avoid it. Building up some tolerance for rejection is an excellent idea because there is no way around it except to get through it. It’s not easy but you can get through it and wind up on the other side (acceptance).
Nea | Self Improvement Saga recently posted..Inspirational Words- Personal Growth and Success
Hey Jared,
The Dalai Lama said that an unanswered prayer is often a blessing in disguise. That is how I view “rejection”. If something does not work out, then it was to my benefit. When I look back at some relationships that did not work out, I am so happy and grateful because someone much better came along. So rejection is a blessing in disguise.
I really enjoyed this.
If you’re interested, I would like to link you to my site & vise versa. My site, 2147miles.com is a non-profit website created to inspire & motivate others. Please check it out & let me know what you think. Thank you so much,
Amy Croson
Jered, thanks for the positive spin and the example of your poet friend. Too often, the fear of rejection keeps us from accomplishing anything. Rejection as a tool for adding value is a great way to look at things. I also like what Thomas Watson, founder of IBM, said: “If you want to succeed, double your failure rate.”
Steve-Personal Success Factors recently posted..Eat With Your Competition For Lunch!
Thank you for this wonderful article.
I’ve been dreading rejection since I was high school because I always think not being “normal” will make me look like a freak or weird. Now that I am 28 years old I am slowly realizing that I have been repelling great opportunities just because I always avoided rejection.
Thank you very much for reminding me again that failure and rejection are the two major determining factor of success.
Hi Steve,
I like what you said here about rejection and I completely agree. I recall Jack Canfield’s story of how his (and Mark Victor Hansen’s) first Chicken Soup For The Soul book was rejected by 123 publishers and then some before it finally got published.
I stumbled upon your blog an hour ago and I’m quite enjoying it.