A lot of people want to become charismatic. It’s a sexy trait and a sexy word, even if most of us couldn’t define its meaning exactly if our lives depended on it. Yet we want it, because we associate it with things like power, fame, influence and appreciation. Within this phenomenon lie a problem, and the key.
The word “charisma” is popular in the whole personal development niche: in articles, books, trainings and seminars. I use it myself, partially because I know how attractive it is. But once I get people listening, I hit them with one key idea they usually don’t see coming. Now, I’m going to hit you with it (with a positive intent, of course).
Think of people you see as charismatic. Alive or dead, public figures or just people you know. Now answer yourself this question: how many of these people spend their time thinking how to become more charismatic and trying to become more charismatic? If your answer is “none, or close to none”, I believe you are spot on.
And it’s not because they have it naturally. A lot of them have developed their charisma with time and effort. But usually, they did not do this by focusing on developing their charisma.
Charisma is the ultimate likeable trait.
Because of this, wanting to become charismatic is basically a form of approval seeking. When I do programs which focus on charisma as the main result, I notice that a lot of the people who attend them have this deep hunger to be liked and approved by others. And think they will solve it by becoming charismatic.
Unfortunately, needing the approval of others is a very uncharismatic trait. When a person senses you are trying hard to win her approval, you come off as needy and insecure, which is just about the opposite of charismatic. This is the paradox: the key to become charismatic is not wanting it.
For this reason, when I work with people who want to become charismatic, I generally start by addressing their approval seeking, and then move on. To what? People who truly develop their charisma don’t focus on becoming charismatic, but instead focus on learning to:
- Become comfortable with who they are;
- Express themselves authentically;
- Listen to people and discover their uniqueness;
- Build strong connections with people;
- Promote ideas worth spreading.
As they focus on this, they develop a way of being, communicating and interacting socially which comes off as charismatic.
Now, you may be wondering if you have a need for approval which sabotages you. My answer is: if you’re reading this, you probably do. A certain dose of wanting the approval of others is natural and positive. But you can easily go overboard with this one, and a lot of us actually do.
Instead of focusing on ways to become charismatic, start by finding out what you understand by charisma, why do you want it and by getting rid of any unhealthy motivations like strong approval seeking. Then, focus on the same things people who become charismatic do and you’re on your way to being one of them.
Subscribe to CYT and
receive a FREE copy of
Volumes 1 & 2 of
The Best of CYT
Very interesting article, Eduard. I agree. We are misdirected if we try to be charismatic. Rather, if we know ourselves well, are aligned with our passions and gifts, are conscious to the ways we make ourselves suffer (so we don’t continue them), we are naturally alive and joyful. You can see it flowing out of some people’s eyes – they are just happy and grounded – and we are attracted to them.
I love your approach of examining approval-seeking – sounds right on and I’m sure helps people become more charismatic.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Freedom from the Prison of Your Habits #3: Examining Thoughts =-.
Gail, thank you. It’s rewarding for me to write about approval seeking and help people manage this tendency.
I agree with you Eduard,
people become charismatic on the way becoming themselves and master their skills.
It takes a while to get there.
First of all people have to let go all their convictions which stops them to be themselves.
Secondly people have to learn what is inside them.
And then they have to learn to live with who they are.
These way is full of surprises.
The byproduct is they gain charisma.
The good thing is this way has exciting surprises and will unreveal the personal charisma through developing the own skills and the own mind, body and soul.
It needs and equipoise in all areas of life to gain great charisma.
Larissa
Larissa, you said it. It’s a process which starts from the inside. It’s more like finding your charisma than developing it.
What an excellent article Eduard,
You got straight to the heart of the matter and I really appreciate your insight here. Approval is one of the deepest human needs. Unfortunately, trying to fill that need can lead to behavior that actually has the opposite affect.
The approval that people really want is their own. Lacking that, they seek it from outside sources, which as you said is natural to a degree. When we approve of ourselves, the approval of others reinforces that feeling. When we don’t have our own approval, all the external approval in the world won’t be enough.
Thanks for this insightful read!
.-= Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..14 Very Effective Communication Skills =-.
Jonathan, approval seeking is dangerous business.
Eduard, welcome to the CYT community, it’s great to have you here. You always have interesting and thought provoking posts and this one is no different. Like Jonathan said you got straight to the heart of the matter.
I remember an old girlfriend dumping me as I was ‘too needy’ and it was then that I realised how off putting neediness can be. The lesson alone changed a part of me and taught me to: like what I like, and be honest with myself and others. Some people will be put off by this and some people will follow, just like life – we can’t please everyone all of the time.
Hey, thanks Steve. I think a lot of us have similar experiences with neediness. But not all of us can talk about them so frankly. This is part of your charisma
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
In my opinion, being charismatic is more than being confident. You also have to be good at improv. So maybe joining an acting class would help. You need to be quick on your feet and adapt to your audience, even if you’re reading off a speech.
I agree. Confidence is just the first step. Acting can be a good practice, personally I like public speaking, which I have done a lot of and I found it to be a very good tool for improving communication skills.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..How to avoid the holiday madness and enjoy yourself =-.
Hi Eduard.
I have found “the key to become charismatic is not wanting it” to be true as well. I like how you presented this. We have to not have a loud sign saying we want to be charismatic, but instead act in an attractive and powerful way, let others recognize the fact.
Being comfortable with who we are sounds simple, but there are times we are not happy with who we are, and looking at those times in retrospect, we see them as a bit silly, or showing us as somewhat clueless. If anyone is to fall apart, it shouldn’t be us.
Someone spending their time trying to be charismatic won’t have time left over to actually be it.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..You Don’t Know What Works Until You Fully Try =-.
Well said Armen,
Trying to be charismatic can actually leave you with no time to be charismatic. I like your phrasing here
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..Personal development ideas I can do without =-.
The charismatic people I know are also have narcissistic tendencies. It’s not something I want at all.
When you grow into yourself, are comfortable with who you are and what you do you don’t have to worry about attracting and influencing people. You just do.
Many professional speakers I know are both charismatic and narcissistic as well. It’s no secret if you’re a speaker you like the spot light. You have to majorly promote yourself as the best expert blah, blah blah. The problem is too many people believe their own hype.
Thanks for the thought provoking article.
.-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Traveling By Train: Lessons On Going With Life’s Flow =-.
Hi Tess,
I know some people like that as well. Some are narcissistic, some are just very confident, and for good reason. I think this is just one type of charisma. I also know some people who come off as charismatic because they are very modest and humble, but they achieved and are capable of a lot.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
Bingo, Eduard. Everything in here is spot on.
In my opinion, the key to being charismatic is genuinely not caring about what other people think of you. After you are indifferent, you can be free to express yourself how you see fit, which will then “create” charisma.
Vocal/emotional projection helps a TON as well. You need to be loud and effectively broadcast your emotions if you’re going to be considered charismatic. Don’t be afraid – just step up and be loud.
.-= Brett – DareToExpress.com´s last blog ..Breaking Free – Eschewing Conventional Blogging Wisdom =-.
Hi Brett,
Yessss, expressiveness is what I would call the 2nd key of charisma, which is related a lot to the first one.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
Hi Eduard,
Another key to charisma is creating a style that is worth imitating. This seems to affect people more positively than anything else I’ve seen.
I remember having a professor in college who was a former executive at a major food company. His energy level was meteoric, he always seemed to have the right things to say at the right time and he always made people feel empowered and comfortable. The students in his class were far more interested in the schoolwork compared to the students in other classes because of his magnetic and charismatic presence. They also acted much differently in almost every way; pretty darn close to how he was acting.
.-= Tim — Inspiration Pro´s last blog ..12 Fundamentals of Instant Charisma =-.
Tim, I like that. I certainly had a couple of people in my life with a style I wanted to imitate, and I see them as charismatic. Thanks for the valuable input here.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..Personal development ideas I can do without =-.
Great post, thanks – but it is so hard to “be authentic” and be who you really are, without caring what others think. I don’t even know who I really am because so much of how we all behave is in response to our experiences/social conditioning. I don’t know how authentic anyone really is. I’ll definitely try to care less about what others think and be more comfortable with who I am, though. It’s a great paradox that charismatic people are people who don’t care what others think of them – they are comfortable with themselves.
Mia, I think that caring what others think is human and will always be with us, shaping part of who we are. But I also think some of us are taking this caring too far and create a social persona which ignores completely who we want to be. That’s the big deal.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
nice posting!become to charismatic is cool!
.-= kemal´s last blog ..Xbox 360 =-.
It is, and so is not needing it.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
I was wholly uncharismatic as a young person. After I had my children, that changed. I believe it’s because as a mother I finally felt fully clear about my value and my strength. Perhaps charisma follows confidence and the happiness that comes from doing something that you love.
.-= LPC´s last blog ..Do You Fit High WASP Male Style Archetypes? =-.
Cool. I got a similar effect after finding out what I really want to do professionally and starting doing it. I think there is definitely a link.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
I think the most evident traits of charisma is being funny and personable. I do not know anyone who is funny but not seen as having charm or charisma. And I don’t know anyone who is personable but not likable. Great post!
Being funny, yes, definitely a trait all charismatic persons have at least to a certain degree. This comes a lot in my perspective from being laid back and comfortable in their own skin. However, it’s not the dominant trait for all people which are charismatic. I think there are also other types of charisma, based on other traits.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..How to avoid the holiday madness and enjoy yourself =-.
Keys to be a charismatic person, you have to define your ownself by the values, boundaries and strong positive traits that you possess then become a guiding light to others. A charismatic person appears to be more of an asset than a liability who has the unique abilties and desirable character traits that attract and influence people and help them how to become better persons.
I think this is also a close definition to that of leadership. Especially the part about being a guiding light to others.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..Personal development readers vs. personal development doers =-.
I believe becoming charismatic depends very much on the type of relationship you have with yourself. If you are happy and sincere with how you are and not trying to transform yourself artificially into a charismatic person by adopting a specific type of behavior you`re on the right track.
I found this quote the other days and I believe it has much to do with becoming a charismatic person.
Hey Marius,
I think so too. It’s sort of a tailored fit charisma, that works best for your person.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
Eduard,
This is a great topic that needs to be discussed. I think many men try way to hard and come off as cocky or awkward. And whether it’s one’s personal or business life, being authentic will be key toward reaching charisma.
Hi Torrey,
I have the same impression. People who try hard to be cool and charismatic end up looking arrogant or awkward.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
Eduard this is brilliant, noone likes needy people and no matter how hard you might try to hide it people still subconsciously feel it. I am actually working right now on loving and acepting myself more and being more authentic and I notice how the need for approval becomes weaker and weaker.
.-= Lana – DreamFollowers Blog´s last blog ..You are NOT responsible for anything and how it can help you reach any of your goals. =-.
Lana, I also believe nobody really like a needy person. Unless they like her in that I-can-use-her kind of way, which is not good. Being needy is like being Teflon. Nothing can stick.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..How to avoid the holiday madness and enjoy yourself =-.
Eduard superb post and to the point. As someone else mentioned which is also the case for me I actually enjoy the spotlight and being on stage. Sometimes it’s to be liked and other times I may just genuinely like making people laugh! Either way as I recall the times in my life when my charisma has shined most bringhtly has been the times when I ‘ve been most true and authentic with myself.
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..4 Years And 6 Key Lessons From Blogging =-.
Thanks Amit. I’ve seen one of your videos with you on stage and I found it to be brilliantly funny.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..The key to become charismatic and what is CBT =-.
Great article Eduard.
This is an area that is under-represented in the mainstream, but the Social Dynamics/Dating Coaching company Real Social Dynamics cover it in their flagship product The Blueprint, where Owen Cooke explains the social and psychological mechanisms behind “pinging”, ie pinging off others for responses, basing what you do upon a view of how others are reacting to you. In other words you become “double reactive”.
So, yes, to truly be on your own path and authentic and confident with that is key!
Hey Steve,
I know some of their work and the part about not being reactive is pure gold in my perspective. Plus, I like Owen Cook as a speaker.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..How to avoid the holiday madness and enjoy yourself =-.
Hey Eduard!
Lovely post! It reminds me very much of dating and how many guys want to get laid and have tons of women. Most of them ask for all of these tips of how to make women like them more and how to behave and how to act.
What most of them do not recognize is the fact they need to become comfortable with who they and stop seeking approval. Stop making it a purpose to get laid as a validation of your own value.
Sounds very much like charisma. I believe that if you focus on being yourself and doing what matters to you many things will come as side effects: money, women, charisma, influence, friends, social status and so on.
We are the source of money, power, charisma, influence and so on. We are the trigger. We just have to become comfortable with ourselves and purse our life purpose and focus on what matters only to realize that many of those things don’t really matter.
Thank you for such a thought provoking and very well written article! Keep up the great work, Eduard!
Best,
Tomas
Right on Tomas! Interesting of you to connect this idea about charisma with dating. I think it proves that a lot of these ideas transcend the different area of our lives.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..Personal development ideas I can do without =-.
Nice ideas, Eduard!
There are a few things in our lives to which the key of achievement is simply not wanting it. Being charismatic seems to be just like that. Not being charismatic is something that many of us fear. Charisma, just like anything else, can be developed. However, charisma, just because of it’s you-get-it-when-you-don’t-want-it-anymore nature you presented, might seem as a natural attribute that you cannot get.
Nice post, nice post.
Zoli
.-= Zoli Cserei´s last blog ..Welcome to Simply Will Do, my dearest readers! =-.
Hey Zoli,
I think charisma is still a mystery for a lot of us. This is why people usually say you either have it or your don’t. It’s a complex trait, it’s hard to put your finger on it.
.-= Eduard Ezeanu´s last blog ..Personal development ideas I can do without =-.
The Charismatic amongst us tend to be able to make the passion within themselves manifest on the outside. This is, I believe where these individuals draw there magnetism from. They are able to instantly get in touch with their passions. They can live outside of their head.
.-= Michael @ Monetize Your Life´s last blog ..Failure Quotes – Celebrating my Failures of 2009 =-.
Wow, this is quite eye opening.
I never really broke charisma down like this before but it makes perfect sense. Charisma isn’t a single trait you learn or born with, from what you’re saying and how I’m interpreting it, it’s the perception of self image and being very open and giving to others.
I have parts of this down but there is so much more I need to work on. Thanks for pointing these out.
.-= Murlu´s last blog ..A Crash Course On Holding Your First Blog Contest =-.