I wonder if you’re scratching your head or looking quizzically at that question. It might seem a bit of an oxymoron, after all if you’re in a relationship with someone then surely to heaven that’s personal, right? Wrong!

I only know that it must be wrong because I work in the field of relationships and it’s the very lack of trust and self belief that create the problems of being willing to be fully present in your own person. That’s what personal means doesn’t it?

You might be very willing to let someone come up close and personal physically, don’t we all? I wonder, though, just what you keep hidden away, safe from prying eyes. What fear or shame is it that you wouldn’t want to share with your partner? What desire, dream or longing do you keep to yourself so that you don’t upset the boat?

Relationships are often seen as the last thing to reach out for help with. It seems that it’s okay to seek guidance or input on careers, weight, health, fitness, beauty, etc. but your relationships – they’re just not in the same ball park. I’ve often pondered the reason for this, and think that at last, I’ve come up with an answer.

A relationship is not just yours. A relationship is a container, if you like… a place for two people to put their relating. It isn’t a stand-alone; it doesn’t exist without more than one of you. Therefore to address relationship issues requires both of you to look at it together. If you feel that you’re not getting out of your relationship what you want, then you would have to voice this to your partner, and that can be a scary thought. What might happen if you did that? You might have an argument, or they might choose to leave and therefore it’s better to put up with what you’ve got than raise any concerns.

The time that most folk are prepared to look at the part they play in their relationships is when they’re between partners. Why is this?

1. They have time to focus on themselves

2. They want to avoid the same mistakes again

I counter, however, that all good relationships start at home, and I don’t mean the house on the street you live in. I mean the relationship you have with you. Until you have a good relationship with yourself, and are willing to embrace all your foibles and the things you don’t like about yourself, you will live and love in fear of being found out.

You might remember the words from the Bible about the man who builds his house on a rock (Luke Ch 6 v 48-49) :

“He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

All personal development work supports you in building your own roots and foundations so that should any flood (drama, stress, outside influence) occur, you will know for sure that as a person you are safe, strong and able to weather any storms.

In your relationships, it’s doubly important that you have your own roots, like a tree. You grow together with your partner as a team, side by side. Neither taking the other’s light, nor relying on them completely for your happiness.

Relationships are great sources of fulfillment and as human beings, relationships give us our basic human needs of connection, love, certainty and significance. They also provide us with the very things, both positive and negative, which will help us grow and evolve. I have worked with too many people who gave their power away to someone else to believe that all relationships have a healthy balance.

You can address your relationship skills on your own to improve any relationship you are in – be it with a partner, family member, or work colleague. When you realize that each person in your life is there for a purpose and to teach you something, you start to look at relationships slightly differently and with gratitude.

Is it time now for you to do that?

Childhood Pain

Have you been holding onto childhood pain? Do you harbor deep-seeded resentment for the way your parents raised you? Do you blame them for the circumstances of your life today?

Obviously, not everyone has been blessed with a happy home – with patient, loving, attentive parents.

If you are one of the oh-so-many who harbor pent-up feelings toward mom or dad and those pent-up feelings affect you today, you are not alone. Nor are you condemned to a life plagued by the energy-sapping, happiness-stunting emotions of deep-seeded anger and resentment.

It’s time to let go and move on! And not because your parents necessarily deserve it – they may not! At all. But YOU do! You deserve to be free of such emotional poison. It’s time to let it go.

12 Ways to Let Go and Move on

Following, are specific steps you can take to unpack the baggage of blame and anger and resentment and, perhaps, begin to establish a new kind of relationship with your parents, or at least be able to let the past be buried in the past so that you can begin moving forward untethered to the pull of yesterday.

1. Redefine Your Relationship

Allow people to evolve and change. And remind yourself that parents are people too. Some parents were horrible at parenting but not so bad as friends to their adult children. So be it. Let that be the redefinition of your relationship. Try not to judge the current reality against the context of the past. Instead, try to accept things as they are today.

2. Be Grateful for the Blueprint of what NOT to do Raising Your Kids

We don’t come with owner’s manuals. And yet, we are far more complex than any piece of furniture or computer program we have ever had to put together or install.

We are also all-too-familiar with the problems that can arise with do-it-yourself projects. Pieces don’t fit. Installations fail. It’s at those moments we are glad there are trouble-shooting instructions or FAQ pages provided.

Well, guess what! Your parents’ mistakes are now effectively your trouble-shooting guide and FAQ page. “What happens if I scream and shout at my kids?” you might want to know. “Oh yeah, my parents did that to me. I know exactly what happens!”

3. Forgive Them for Being the Only Thing They Knew how to Be

Impatient, unkind and punitive parents aren’t impatient, unkind and punitive simply because you were unworthy of their patience, kindness or compassion. They were that way because they are impatient, unkind and punitive people. In other words, how you were treated is all about them, not you.

So, here’s the point I’m trying to make: All our parenting is done out of the context of who we are and what we know. Each one of us is limited in giving love by the limits to our capacity to love. Your parents were likewise limited. That understanding can lead to compassion which can lead to forgiveness.

4. Recognize They are likely Products of Their own Parents’ Mistakes and Flaws

We reap what we sow. And we also “reap” the traits that our parents “sowed” as they raised us. We are products of both parental successes and mistakes.

And while we can always learn and grow, most people seem to live on automatic pilot. So, most of us are something within a stones throw of our parents’ behaviors, attitudes and habits. Likewise, mom and dad are products of their parent’s parenting too. Forgive them of that.

5. Write it Down

Sometimes we bury our feelings where they fester and decay, and then begin to infect other parts of the psyche as well.

Sometimes, like the body expelling poisons, the soul also needs to vomit emotional toxins. Doing this on paper helps sort out feelings and make sense of things. There can be a cleansing quality to putting pain to paper too. Be as explicit and detailed as you can. Dump everything onto the page. It may take several days to get it all out. That’s okay; take the time.

When you’re done, read it as a solemn recognition of the past. Then light the thing on fire and burn it. Let its ashes float away on the wind or up the vent. As the smoke lifts, feel the emotional baggage float away with it. Feel it rise with the ashes and smoke and disappear and be gone.

And then be done with it. I would suggest this be a one-time expulsion of pent-up emotional poison. Doing this repeatedly can have the unhappy effect of amplifying, rather than muting, the past’s continuing influence as you keep swimming in that polluted pool.

6. Learn from Parental Strengths and Weaknesses

Your parents were not just your parents. They, like all of us, are complex beings with a mixed bag of character strengths and flaws. Perhaps you ended up on the receiving end of their flaws. But they are not likely without redeeming qualities as well. See that in them. And commit to learning from both their strengths and weaknesses. And be grateful for the life-lessons learned.

7. Read the Book, A Child Called It, then be Grateful

If you’ve read this autobiographical work by Dave Pelzer, you likely know your parents may not have been all that bad after all. Be thankful they at least had something going for them.

This idea is something reminiscent of the principle so powerfully reflected in the Persian proverb: “I wept because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” So too, we weep for having flawed parents until we read books like A Child Called It and see that at least ours had some “feet.”

8. Let the Work You do in Your Own Home be the Salve that Heals the Wounds in Your Heart

If you grew up without love, smother your children with it. If you grew up with family secrets, don’t have any. If you grew up with harsh criticism and ridicule and impatience, then be sure to compliment, love, and exercise patience with your children.

Let the example of decency and compassion you share with them be the focus of your emotional healing. But be sure not to commit the sin of overcompensation. Your role here is to love, not spoil.

In a sense, you will be parenting yourself with the love and compassion you wish your parents had shown you as you shower it on your own kids, in some way, making amends for what your parents failed to provide.

In other words, parent yourself vicariously through parenting your own children. Extend to them what your parents failed to extend to you and allow the love flowing from you to your children to heal the wounds from the lack of love flowing to you as a child.

9. Take Responsibility for Your Life

This can be a hard pill to swallow. Still, it’s important to stop blaming your parents for current problems. Did they lay the foundation for the problem? Perhaps. But it’s yours now. That’s the inescapable bottom line of it.

You make the decision every day to hold on or let go. That’s your decision only. Accept that as fact. Own it completely and release your parents from the responsibility you’ve pinned to their shoulders for too long.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I am not suggesting your past is your fault. I’m saying that your present is the result of choices you have made, as you have allowed your past to influence them.

This step is admittedly difficult, but it is empowering and liberating once it’s fully accepted and internalized.

I am who I choose to be. I feel what I choose to feel by choosing what thoughts I choose to harbor and how I choose to think about things. I choose to learn ways to change my thinking and interpretations of life or I choose not to. These are all my choices. And they are yours too.

Final word on this point: Your parents may be responsible for creating the emotional context. You are responsible for keeping that context alive. So stop feeding it and let it wither on the vine.

10. Talk to Them

Not out of rage or to guilt or shame them. Just talk. Be dispassionate. Simply ask them what in the world happened and why. Then listen. Let’s be clear, though, it may make things worse. But then again, it may lead to some kind of resolution.

Of course, you know your family dynamics; I don’t. So use good judgment as to whether this would be a viable step, but consider it. Depending on circumstances, a neutral location such as a restaurant might be a preferable place for “the talk.” But try to listen and question without judgment.

Remember, you’re not there to vent. You’re there to learn and understand and seek closure. Venting will put your parents in a defensive posture and will not likely meet your purpose for arranging the talk in the first place.

11. Stop Putting so Much Stock in How You were Raised

Instead of constantly peeling away the scabs of life to see how things are healing underneath, decide what you want out of life, what traits are required to obtain what you want, and then act. Work at overcoming emotional obstacles and other personal obstructions without worrying so much about where they came from. Just get on with the work of living well.

The past is the past. Let it die there, and stop unburying the dead and move on. Trying to drag the corpse of yesterday through life will make each moment of today a bit more difficult to manage. So find purpose and passion in life and move forward, looking back only long enough to learn from it.

12. Assume Good Intent

Assume the best motives behind what very well may have been the worst practices. But assume they did the best they knew how (similar to #3).

We sometimes have the habit of ascribing pure motives to our own flaws and evil intent to others. Instead, try being as magnanimous about their flaws as we hope others will be about our own. When we assume good motives behind misguided practices and weak wills, it is often easier to overlook and forgive their failures.

Afterthoughts

Sometimes out of a sense that justice must be served, or anger at the unfairness of how we were raised, we keep the pain and anger center court, at arm’s length, always in view. It’s time to stop. It’s time to grow. It’s time to forgive and let go and be free!

So, what do you think?

• Have you had success or failure trying to forgive mom or dad? Please share what you’ve learned.
• What could be added to this list to help overcome the pull of parental mistakes on your life today?
• We would LOVE to hear from you in the comments below!

Personalities Are Fairly Fixed In Place

A basis for this concept comes from the idea that our personalities are fairly fixed in place.  From a young age, you can predict with fairly high accuracy the skills that a child will have 20 years later, as well as where their deficiencies might be.  Life experiences do take their toll, but I’ve noticed that the quiet person in a group now tends to be the quiet person in a group 5 years later, and so on.  On the other hand, their success is much harder to determine, as they could make use of their skills in a way that is unexpected.

Work With What You Are Built With

If your mind is one that brainstorms well when you are pacing around, listening to classical music, and eating a fish sandwich, then that is what you want to work with.  Knowing that some genius in the 1800s would learn and process best when by sitting for 2 hours and meditating before doing brainstorming doesn’t mean it is the way for you.  It is worth trying if you are so inclined, but copying the pattern of another person, if it is not fitting for you, will be deleterious to your productivity.

Notice Trends In Each Person’s Behavior

This same concept applies to how you view others.  If you see someone responding in a common way each time, or regularly tearing you down, or maintaining an exercise routine for many years, you want to realize that that is a very accurate indicator of what you can expect from them in the near, and possibly far-off, future.  Don’t expect that someone else will adapt to what your ideal of them is as time progresses, because in the same way that history repeats itself, past actions and behaviors that affected you from a certain person are very likely to show up again, if not exactly, in a slightly altered way.

Tomorrow Will Be Like Today If No Change Is Made

The call to action from that point is to examine those you know, and see who it is that you have been hoping would understand you a certain way, or work with you a certain way, and take your idealistic glasses off to see if there is actual change taking place.  A co-worker who puts you down in some way every morning is not likely to quit that behavior until you realize the trend and respond in a way that makes a put-down from them to you not beneficial in their own mind.  It may also do you well to write down a description of how others frustrated you today, and then check on what you wrote today a week or two from now.  The similarity is likely to surprise you.

Knowing that oranges can’t be used to make lemonade, and that what you have seen from others is a good indicator of what you can expect more of, provides you with understanding that reduces frustration, and leads you to find those lemons to make your lemonade.

Whilst I am not a woman I have worked with women most of my working life, in a big call centre office (the truth really comes out in an office!), I have two sisters, my current place of work is predominantly women and I am married to a woman who knows what she wants.  So I have done a lot of asking, a lot of research and have come up with 12 qualities a woman looks for in a man.

12 Qualities a woman looks for in a man

(In no particular order)

1. Honesty – This is high up on the list and is a must for guys.  When I say honest I mean being honest about everything.  If your partner asks you ‘Do you like my hair’ a response could be ‘I like it but I preferred it when it was longer.’  When you are honest about everything you will get a reputation for being honest and you will get more respect and gain trust a lot quicker.  If you are found out with one lie then the trust will dissappear and it will be hard to gain back.
2. To be able to protect – According to the women I have spoken with they want to know their partner will be able to protect them physically in times of danger or trouble.  That’s not to say women are weak it’s a security thing and knowing that their partner is capable or willing to protect them at all costs gives women a little more peace of mind.
3. Get up and go – Women don’t like men who have no motivation to do anything with their lives.  They want a man who has passion and has goals in life and has got the motivation to follow their dreams.
4. Belief – Believe in your wife/girlfriend and support and encourage her in everything she does.
5. Sense of humour – This one obviously depends on each couple as everybody has a different sense of humour but women like men who can make them laugh.  That’s not to say you have to be like Robin Williams, just someone who has a sense of humour and exercises it often.
6. Reliability – This is another one high up on the list.  You’ve got to be reliable if you want your partner to stick with you for the long term.  If she has an evening meal planned for you and you promised you’ll be home by 7 and you come strolling in at 8, this is not being reliable.  Yes, work is important but more important is the woman who loves you enough to prepare a meal and make an effort on a Friday night.
7. Commitment – An absolute must for any long term relationship.  If you are not committed then there will always be that little doubt in the back of her mind asking if you are really serious about the relationship.
8. Respect – There’s no question of this, if you disrespect her you may as well throw the relationship out of the window right now.  It’s not only respect for her but it’s respect for yourself as well.  If you let people walk all over you then you are not respecting yourself and this is a turn off for women.
9. Attuned to feelings – For the old fashioned man out there one of the main things you were missing was the ability to stay in tune with your partners feelings.  If you are attuned to your partner’s feelings then it shows respect, caring and love.  That doesn’t mean to say you let them walk all over you it just means you are in touch with her, and you know how to handle the emotions, upsets and excitement etc.
10. Attractiveness – This is something you are born with and it’s also something that is very subjective.  Everyone has an attractive feature about them and rest assured someone will be attracted to you because of it.  However if you let yourself go and don’t really care about yourself, you’ll be dropped like a hot potato.
11. Assertiveness – Woman can stand up for themselves very well but they still like a man to be assertive as well.  Women don’t like weak men, so grow a pair and stand up for yourself and your wife.
12. Faithful – Shouldn’t even have to be said here, but so many men think they can get away with being unfaithful and it not affect them.  You will never be respected once you’ve been unfaithful and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

One of the quickest ways to find out who in your personal circle truly supports you is to put out loads of effort in activity that you are passionate about. Very little time will elapse before you find out who your prime supporters are, versus those who are relatively neutral, and those that will jealously try to discourage you.  It is advantageous for you to do this sooner than later, due to some of the various reasons discussed here:

Action Filters Out Inactive Individuals

If you’re looking at this from the perspective of wanting to filter out people who don’t have your interests in mind, few other methods are as efficient. Your passionate efforts serve as pressure on those you know, forcing them to show you if they are there behind you, or if they actually have been wanting you to run into hard times.  It is difficult for a person to not try to tear you down if they don’t want to see you succeed, and it is difficult for someone to not try to help if they want to see you succeed.  People tend to filter who they interact with at key points in their lives anyway, and taking action speeds up this process.

There Are Some People You Want To Hold Onto

One of the biggest benefits of this is that you will quickly find out who you shouldn’t take for granted. There are people that will temporarily put aside their priorities to help and uplift you, but you often don’t know where they are until you jump into being productive. These people may be currently sending you a signal or two to show that they are ready to be on your team, but they can’t act as your auxiliary support system until you set the foundation.  You don’t want to ignore what they are indirectly letting you know they are willing to assist you with, because they may get to a point where they label you as confused or unwilling to accept help, and you will then have missed a cooperative opportunity.

Your Supporters View Your Action As A Trigger

Someone can’t spread the good word about your musical creation abilities until you start routinely producing jazz songs. Your friend who wants to support your financial consulting business will hesitate to offer you a cheap lease price for his back office until he gets the feeling that you are looking to expand by adding another office location.  A classmate of yours can’t recommend you for an employment position to his boss until you give him examples of your current actions/skills to use as leverage.

Once you provide the signal that you are intently following your passion, silent supporters won’t feel like their effort to help will be a waste. To emphasize this point, think about a time when you helped someone and they didn’t show any sign of appreciation or response. You likely either responded in anger or acceptance by distancing yourself in some way from that person. Our pragmatic minds keep us from giving too much without seeing some sort of returned effort.

Your Energy Can Then Be Used With The Right People

The side effect of finding out which individuals are not on your side is that you can save the energy you would have put out trying to earn their support, and use it to engage with those who are in line with your pursuit. You have a limited amount of energy, so you don’t want to look back later wondering why you tried to develop a relationship with someone who didn’t have good intent for you and your future. That energy and time is there for you to build your success team.

In summary:

1. Take solid actions in your field of interest
2. Note who is not supportive of your actions and keep it in mind
3. Notice who jumps in to help you further your goals
4. Spend most of your energy with those who supported your efforts

Be yourself

If you’ve read all the other parts of the series you will have a strategy for getting to know yourself and getting to know others. Now I want you to take all that knowledge, roll it into a little ball and then I want you to be yourself.

What does ‘Be yourself’ mean?

How many times have you heard someone say ‘Just be yourself’. You’re going for an interview and someone gives the sage advice ‘you’ll be great, just be yourself’ , after you’ve picked them up off the floor and apologised for smacking them in the mouth, you ask yourself ‘what does that mean?’
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Being yourself means you are comfortable with who you are and you are confident enough to realise that not everyone will have the same opinion of you. You will not be at the stage of trying to impress everyone all of the time and you’ll know this is impossible anyway. You’ll know that what others think about you does not matter, and you will save so much time in your life by not worrying about what others are thinking about you.

We have all met these types of people before and they are instantly recognisable. They have a quiet confidence about them, they are not brash, not ‘in your face’ confident, not loud, just confident within themselves, not afraid to speak up and not afraid to voice their opinion when needed. That’s what being yourself means.
It’s a shame, but most people do not become confident within themselves until later on in life. That comes with all the realisations in life and that it really doesn’t matter what others do, say or think.

How to ‘be yourself’

Unfortunately you can’t learn to be yourself by reading this article but I can give you hints on developing yourself enough to really be yourself.

1. Know the person you want to be – List all the qualities that you really admire in people and develop those skills within yourself.
2. Be quiet for one whole day – For one whole day try and not to breathe a word to anybody. If you are on the phone all day this will be difficult but try not to speak to your colleagues. Watch how others are interacting with each other; watch how they react to you being quiet. You might feel uncomfortable at first but you will soon develop a silent confidence that it is you who is in control of you, and not others who are controlling you. This is a powerful exercise and it’s hard to describe here but I would urge you to try it.
3. Be honest – I mentioned this in part 3 of this series. Honesty is a powerful tool, yet it is not used enough. Be honest with yourself, really honest and you will learn a lot about yourself. Be honest with others and you will learn even more about yourself and others.
4. Dress the way you want to dress – ‘It’s not the clothes that wear the person it’s the person that wears the clothes’ If you like a particular style of clothing but have never had the courage to wear it, next time you are out, buy the clothes you like, wear them, and hold your head high. This all helps to assert your individuality.
5. Like yourself – It might sound a strange thing to say but I love my own company. I could spend days just being by myself and not be bored. I have developed this over time. If you are not comfortable with your own company how do you expect others to be comfortable with you? If you can, spend a few days alone and you will really learn a lot about yourself. I don’t mean sit and watch TV for 2 days, I mean go out shopping, go to a restaurant, go to the cinema, read a book.
6. Never gossip – If you’re a gossip, stop it right now. You are giving your power and energy away by gossiping about other people, no matter how much people listen to you when you have juicy gossip.
7. Create a set of principles and values – This is another powerful tool to learn. Think about a set of principles and values you would like to live by and start living them, e.g.

Never gossip
Always be honest but tactful
Family comes first
Always be on time
Be trustworthy
Be faithful
Hard working

These are obviously just a few and I am sure you have your own principles and values. However, a lot of people don’t know what principles and values they live by. So it is good to look at the type of life you wish to lead, look at the core values and develop your life around these.

If you have read all the other parts of this series you will notice a common thread among them all and that is know yourself and be comfortable with who you are. Until you really get to know yourself and know how you want to live your life, making friends might be difficult or you may make bad choices.

I really hope you have enjoyed this series, I enjoyed writing it. I will be making this into an eBook if you are interested in buying it. I will put it on my CYT Guides page in the next few weeks or so, however you can read it all here for free:

How to make true friends – Part 6 – Attracting the friends you want
How to make true friends – Part 5 – Get out of self deprecation mode
How to make true friends – part 4 – Body language
How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty
How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness
How to make true friends – part 1 – know yourself

This is the 6th part of 7 in the how to make friends series. You can find the links to all the other parts of the series at the bottom of this article.

Attracting the friends, you want

To attract the type of friends you want you will have to know what type of friends you want to attract, makes sense doesn’t it.

Using the principles of manifestation you can attract to you the type of friends you want in your life.

Although it sounds like another airy-fairy law of attraction type of thing, I know this works as I have used it myself and have married my best friend, my wife. I used to imagine what she looked like, what type of personality she had, how she would react in certain situations etc I have also attracted business relationships this way, friendships, online acquaintances and even readers to my blog. I know it sounds sad thinking about the type of readers you want to read your blog, but I am a bit weird that way. ‘What’s really going to bake your noodle’ is would you be here if I didn’t think about you reading this blog.

How does it work?

This is quite simple. You think about the different attributes that you would like in a friend; honest, strong minded, fun, attractive or whatever it is you are looking for in a true friend. You imagine them and the different situations you would be in together and how they would react if different situations. You imagine feeling a strong bond with them and having a lasting friendship. Imagine yourselves together in years to come and how your friendship will evolve. You imagine going to their parties, meeting up with your future partners, going through difficult times with them.

You don’t go looking for friendships; your friends will come to you when the time is right.

Belief

There is one huge condition to you attracting your friends and potential partners and that is belief. Belief that it will happen when the time is right. This usually means getting rid of all your negative emotions such as feeling lonely, feeling jealousy, hate, depressed; all these feelings will hamper you in meeting your true friends or potential partner. Why is this? When you body and mind is riddled with negative emotions you are concentrating on yourself and your energy field will be low and not very expansive. When you have let go of negative emotions your energy field will be much more expansive and far-reaching, touching the lives of those you want to meet. Have you ever come across someone who just radiates energy and they seem to attract everyone around them? This will be because they have let go of their inhibitions and their negative emotions. These people are usually happy go lucky people and don’t really care what other people think about them and can take people as they are and see they positives in everyone. Don’t get me wrong you still get the people who attract everyone else around them due to their self confidence and yes they may be nasty or unkind but this type of person usually breaks down later on in their lives due to the masking of their negative feelings and emotions.

Does this sound like a lot of rubbish?

Of course it does, because for most of us we simply can’t believe in a world that is interconnected and we are all at this very moment touching each other’s energy. If you don’t believe it can work it won’t work. For some, like me, it took years to start believing in the power of thoughts and manifestation, but it has changed my life in immeasurable ways and I can only pass on what I believe. If you believe it’s a pile of cow dung, that’s great I respect your opinion. However, I would urge you to try it for a week or two and really try to believe in it before dismissing it.

How to make true friends – Part 5 – Get out of self deprication mode

How to make true friends – part 4 – Body language

How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty

How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness

How to make true friends – part 1 – know yourself

Other articles you may be interested in

Can attraction principles work to build your business? – Street smarts

Law of attraction carnival: Relationships and the law of attraction – Evolving Times

Improving relationships – the Ordinary Mystic

Can you save your relationships with the law of attraction – Today is that day

How to attract and create a happier love relationshipn – Very happy human

The art of honesty

It’s easy to say be honest and open with everyone but there is an art to being honest.

I remember when I was about 19, I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub, (that was back in the day when you just went up to a girl and tapped her on the shoulder and she was obliged to dance with you). I was talking away to her, just general chitchat. I then asked when her baby was due, as she was obviously pregnant. She looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said, obviously the music was too loud, I then asked her ‘When is the baby due?’ looking toward her stomach. She glared at me and said ‘I’m not pregnant, I’m just ******* fat’ and she then stormed off. Now that was embarrassing. What did I learn from that? – Never ask a fat woman if she is pregnant! Yep, but I learned to keep my mouth shut until I was sure of the facts else a swift kick between the legs could be on its way. That wasn’t about honesty it was about diplomacy and tact and it ties in nicely with the art of honesty.

Honesty is telling the truth to people and telling the truth to yourself. This is a big distinction to make. Some people lie to themselves and can’t get to the truth, as they are lost in their own self-lies.

Why being honest is important

To gain respect from others and to have respect for yourself it is important to be honest and true to yourself and others. If you are honest from the outset you will gain a reputation for being an honest person, therefore you will gain the reputation for being trustworthy, therefore gaining the reputation of being dependable. Being honest can open so many doors for you.

Practising honesty with yourself

To practise honesty you have to start being honest with yourself.

Are you a lazy git – if so, admit it and do something about it,
Are you fat – Admit it, and do something about it if you’re not happy with it
Are you gorgeous – Admit it and make the most of it
Are you good at something – admit it and keep learning to become better
Do you really want that job – Look for another one and chuck the one you don’t like
Do you really want to be with your partner –

There are many questions to ask yourself and ask you must to ever have self-respect.

Practising honesty with others

Once you are comfortable telling yourself the truth it is time to tell others in a way that is neither offensive or hurtful.

Q. Do I look fat in this? –
A. It’s not the kind of thing I would wear, now unless they have a very low IQ they will know what you mean here but without hurting and embarrassing them.

Q. Can you to take on another project? –
A. I would love to work on that, however I want more time with my family and I am already working on ……………This is being assertive which goes hand in hand with honesty once you have practised honesty for a while.

I am sure you can think of hundreds of scenarios where you have to tell the truth but feel a little uncomfortable doing it. If you shy away from telling the truth or standing up for yourself practise little by little. Once you’ve overcome the first honesty hurdle the rest become easier.

My wife always asks me my opinion on something she is wearing, or something she wants my opinion on, as she knows I will be completely honest without being hurtful and she respects that.

From now on…

If you want more respect for yourself and you want others to respect you it is important for honesty in your life.

There are two rules I would use when being honest:

When you are being honest with other people, be tactful not hurtful
When being honest with yourself, be blunt and take action.

The world has never been so connected but we have never been so alone. When was the last time you had a conversation with your neighbours? When did you last strike up a conversation with someone in a lift (an elevator)? Our world has become so exciting and manic that we are forgetting to connect with each other.

If we want to speak to someone we send a ‘quick email’ or give them a ‘quick call’, if we want to see our friends holiday snaps we check out their Bebo site, if we want to meet someone new we check out a dating website.

If we want to make true friends with people, we have to start connecting with them on a genuine way.

Playing games

A lot of us have become so psychologically and politically aware that we are all playing games with each other. When you are dating someone new have you ever held off calling that person for fear of them knowing you like him or her, have you ever come across this scenario:

You have met someone you like and it’s clear they like you, you go to call them to meet up:

You: ‘He might think I like him too much so I will hold off calling them, I’ll wait another few days’

Them: ‘I wish she would call, I don’t want to call in case she thinks I am desperate, I’ll wait another couple of days and call her’

We play games at work, in our love life, in our business life and even in our family life. All of this adds up to us feeling even more alone and isolated from each other.

Being genuine

If it’s one thing I have learned in life that has helped me more than anything and that’s being honest and genuine. By genuine I mean not having an agenda when speaking to someone. I have gained a reputation of being a very honest and open person. If somebody asks me a question that they may not like the answer to I always ask ‘Do you want me to tell the truth here or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?’ I have mixed reactions to that question, but it has gained me a great reputation of being trustworthy and honest.

It’s time to stop playing games and being honest with yourself and being honest with others, this will start you on the road to connecting with others again.

Being honest can be hard for some people however the effort of being honest will stand you in good stead for making friends easily.

We all need people to help us in life, we need love, we need praise, and we need conversation. Even online we need people to help us reach our goals. If it wasn’t for you reading this article right now I wouldn’t have a blog, I wouldn’t have 2000 subscribers to this blog, I wouldn’t have written one single word if it wasn’t for you. I have made some great contacts through blogging and I am one of the most anti-social people you could meet, however I choose my relationships wisely and don’t collect friends for the sake of it. I recognise the importance of creating lasting friendships for myself and for others.

We are social creatures and we all need somebody. Why not smile at that person in the lift and strike up a conversation, stop and speak to your neighbours for 5 minutes, have a genuine conversation with no agenda with your work colleagues. It’s time to become a social-human again instead of a techno-human.

The next article in this series will be ‘The art of honesty’ and I look forward to seeing you here.

Some other articles you might enjoy

Serious health risks of lonlieness – Diethack

The Fondness of being lonely – Life is elsewhere

The Seven wrong reasons people fall in love – William Strickland

6 Ways to make true friends in your workplace- The Daily Mind