Your eyes can tell a lot about you and tell others even more simply by the way you use them.  Eye communication is a great skill to have and eye contact is a great tool to master.  We all use it and we all give away vital clues as to what we are thinking with our eyes.

References are made to our eyes in everyday conversation such as ’she has bedroom eyes’, ‘don’t give me those puppy dog eyes’, ‘giving me the evil eye’ and many more such phrases.

If you can learn the skill of reading eye signals and mastering the art of using eye contact it can make a huge difference in your personal and business life.

The Pupils

Your pupils and the size of them will give away a lot of secrets, and it’s something we can’t do much about. The pupils will either constrict or dilate depending on our state of mind. If we are aroused by something, or someone, our pupils will dilate and if we are turned off by something or someone our pupils will constrict.

Skilled street traders across the world look for the size of the pupils when bartering with their customers. If a customer sees an object and their pupils are fully dilated, then the trader knows they can keep the price of the item at the higher end.

When we are excited by someone we like, our pupils will dilate, and when we are in the company of someone we don’t like, our pupils will constrict.

Take a look at these two photos. Which one do you prefer?

The first photo shows the pupils constricted and the second photo shows the pupils dilated. The one with the pupils dilated would normally be the one that people picked, as it is more seductive and deemed more attractive when the pupils are dilated.

Next time you are talking to someone pay attention to the size of their pupils, don’t go right up to their face and make a nuisance of yourself, but just casually watch the size of their pupils. This will tell you what excites them when they are talking, it might also tell you if they like you or not as we can rarely hide our emotions with our eyes.

Different Types of Eyes

Wandering Eyes

Have you ever noticed when you are talking to someone that their eyes are looking everywhere and not at you. This in itself is an obvious sign of distraction or boredom however, it also means that the person is looking for a way to get out of your space. Looking out a window when someone is talking to you could mean they would rather be outside.

If you do this, be careful of the signals you are giving to the other person, unless you specifically want them to know you don’t want to be with them.

The Angry Eyes

When we are angry our eyes become narrower, brows are furrowed and our pupils constrict. It’s quite easy to tell if someone is angry when they have all of the above. what if they don’t show the above body language signals? Well, we have to look for other body language clues such as constriction of the lips, flared nostrils, staring, clenching of the jaw etc.

When you are speaking to someone who is displaying signs of anger you can either back down or stand up for yourself, depending on what the situation warrants.

If you stand up for yourself you should be holding eye gaze and not break it. This shows the other person that you are not intimidated by them. If you are the one to break eye contact in a heated argument you have all but lost the argument.

The Seductive Eyes

It’s quite easy to tell if someone likes us by the size of their pupils. In a well lit room, if you are speaking to someone face to face you can see the size of the other person pupils. If the eyes start to dilate they are interested in what you have to say or they find you attractive.

However, this is not so true in a darkened room like a nightclub as the size of our pupils will dilate to let more light in, in order to see better in the darkened room. So be careful to read the signals correctly before making a fool of yourself.

There are other ways to seduce someone with your eyes. The classic Lady Diana look with her head down and eyes looking up was one of the reasons so many people warmed to her. This type of look makes the observer feel more maternal or paternal and also brings out the protector in men which made Lady Di more attractive.

Your Gaze

When we are talking to our friends and in social situations, and are looking and talking with another person for some time we unconsciously gaze at the persons face in a controlled manner. However, if we have lost confidence or we are not yet socially adept we can lose this ability.  Here is a quick guide on where to focus your gaze when talking to someone.

Social Gazing

When you are speaking in a social setting you don’t want to stare into someone’s eyes as this is a bit strange for someone to do, and a bit off-putting for the talker. To get over this, use a triangle approach. First look at one eye of the talker, then look at their mouth, briefly, and then move onto their other eye. This shows you are still interested in what they have to say as you have not looked away from their face.

The Flirty Gaze

When we flirt with each other the eyes still move in a triangular way but with more range, downwards. I know the women reading this will have experienced men who think you are talking from your breasts, which is quite disconcerting, and I’ll explain a possible reason for this, apart from the obvious. However, we all do it, men and women, only women are better at it.

It has been shown that when we are walking toward each other from a distance, men and women, automatically check each other from head to foot. First time to check the sex of the person and second time to check the sexiness of the person.

Men are more likely to get caught checking out a females body, rather than looking them in the eye, because they have less peripheral vision than women. Women can look you in the face but still look at your body  because their peripheral vision is much better.

Our eyes contain two types of photo-receptors; rods and cones. Rods are responsible for scotopic vision, dark adapted vision. They also predominate the peripheral vision and women have more rods in their eyes than men do; hence why they have better peripheral vision and are better at seeing in the dark.

The Controlling Gaze

If you are looking to intimidate someone when you are talking to them, or are trying to control the conversation look at the area known as ‘the third eye’ which is the spot just between the eyebrows.

Many men do this to try and intimidate the people they are talking to and to try and control a conversation.

Can you tell if someone is lying with their eye movements?

Short answer to that is no. However, by looking at other body language signals and looking at their eyes you can get a good idea if someone is lying or not.

With the work of Bandler and Grinder and their excellent work on NLP we have an idea of how our eye movements relate to how we access information from the brain, which can help to tell is someone is lying or not.

Visual Accessing Cues

(VC) Visual Construction : Looking up and to the left.  The person is accessing information from their imagination and might possibly be making it up.  For example, if you asked someone what their dream home would look like they would, more than likely, look up and to their left.

If someone is lying about something and making stories up they might be using this eye movement.

(VR) Visual Remembering : Looking up and to the right.  This is when we are actually accessing a memory and picturing it in our heads.  It is more than likely that this is a memory that actually happened.  Ask your friend what they had for dinner yesterday and they will most likely look up and to the right.

(AC) Auditory Construction : Looking middle and to the left. This is where our eyes might go if we were constructing a sound in our mind.  For example if you asked a friend to think of what their voice will sound like when they are 80 years old, they would more than likely look in this direction.

(AR) Auditory Remembering : Looking middle and to the right.  This is where our eyes might go if you were remembering a sound that you have heard before.  For example ask your friend what the sound of their partner sounds like and they will more than likely look in this direction.

(K) Kinesthetic :Looking down and to the left.  This is the direction your eyes might go if you were accessing your actual feelings about something.  For example, if you ask a friend about their feelings on the issues of capital punishment their eyes might go in this direction.

(AD) Auditory Digital : Looking down and to the right.  This is the direction our eyes might go when we are talking to ourselves.  We do this all the time and it is called self talk.  Believe it or not we talk to ourselves a lot and we can learn a lot about ourselves by paying attention to our self talk, but that is for another article.

The information above represents the majority of people, but it may  be different for some.  However, it is still possible to work out a persons representational system by observing them when you ask them questions.

Using the information above should get you started on the road to being able to read people using their eyes as signals.  Remember, as with all body language signals, that they should be read together and not separately.

Furthermore, this power is not restricted to people that you know. In fact, it actually extends to people you have only seen once, and that you have never even spoken to. That’s right, with almost no effort you can change the state of a complete stranger in a moment, from a distance, without a word. How’s that for influence?

As intriguing as this power is, it is really a very specialized form of communication. Let’s look at some possible candidates.

Verbal communication skills

In an effort to influence other people, most of us tend to rely on verbal communication skills. Why? Because being able to express our thoughts and feelings accurately and convincingly is a powerful skill. We have all been persuaded, motivated, or otherwise moved by the words of skilled communicators.

Whether delivered by a captivating speaker, a talented author, or a persuasive friend, well crafted words have the power to touch our hearts and stimulate our thinking. But this article is not about the influential power of words, and here’s why. For our words to be able to touch somebody’s life, they need to be heard or read. Remember, I said you could use this power of influence from a distance, without speaking to the other person.

How about body language?

There is no doubt that our body language has a strong influence on the way others view us. Yes, body language conveys a powerful, subconscious message to everyone who sees us, even from a distance. So body language is most definitely an influential means of communication.

Is body language the secret power of influence we are looking for? Even though body language is an effective way to communicate nonverbally, and to influence how others perceive us, it doesn’t really have the power to change their mental state. So, it’s effect is limited.

How about our external trappings?

This is a large category that includes the clothes we wear, the car we drive, the cost of our wristwatch or jewelry, the home we live in, and various things like that. There’s no denying it, those things do get other people’s attention.

Really though, external trappings are just an extension of our body language. They may convey a message about our current financial status, but again, all that does is influence people’s perception of us, not their mental state. So, what is this powerful yet specialized form of communication we are looking for?

Here’s a clue

Imagine that you make eye contact with someone walking down the street who looks sad. What could you do to to help them? What secret power could you release in a moment, without a word, that would help them feel better right now?

Perhaps you are the one walking down the street feeling blue, and someone else makes eye contact with you from 10 feet away. What could that person do to add a little shot of joy to your life instantly?

Did you figure it out?

If not, don’t feel bad. It’s probably because the answer is so obvious and simple. OK, here’s how you can use your influence to instantly change someone else’s mental state. First, look them straight in the eyes, and then, give them a warm, sincere smile. Wasn’t that easy?

Smiling at other people has the power to change their focus and lift their spirits in an instant. It’s a friendly little gesture that forms an immediate connection between you and them. Smiling also sends a powerful message of good will. Amazingly, a smile can reach clear across a room and touch the heart of a complete stranger. Now that’s powerful!

Think of your own experiences

How do you react when you are just going about your daily business, and someone you don’t even know smiles at you for no discernible reason? My guess is, you smile back, right? It’s the natural reaction.

Now tell me this, how does exchanging smiles with someone else make you feel? It feels good, doesn’t it? So smiling is a simple way to make everybody feel better immediately. That’s a pretty wonderful ability to have at your disposal, don’t you think?

Use your power of influence

Why not make a special effort to use this power liberally to improve your life, and the lives of those around you? Go ahead, exercise this great power every chance you get and see if it doesn’t completely transform the quality of your life.

Don’t be surprised if people are attracted to you like a magnet, even though they won’t consciously know why. The important thing is, you will know why, and you will feel really good about it. In fact, it will probably make you smile!

Thousands of people every day are suffering in difficult situations through lack of assertiveness.  Most commonly the assertiveness problems tend to arise at work and with friends.  However, assertiveness issues creep up everywhere whether it be with friends, family, or work colleagues.

It’s okay saying to someone ‘stand up for yourself’ or ‘you should just say this to them…..’, but to someone who suffers from lack of assertiveness it’s not an easy thing to do and can fill people with dread at the thought of confronting someone with an issue they may have.

Bullies, whether at work or at home, prey on people who lack assertiveness and can traumatise the person they subject their bullying tactics on.  The bully is of course cowardly and lack the backbone to pick on people who they know will stand up to them.  Dealing with people who intimidate you or belittle you is empowering and can literally change your life, but how do you do it?

This guide will hopefully give you some tools to think about and implement when you feel you need to be assertive in situations.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself and to express how you feel when you feel it is necessary.

It includes:

• Being able to express your opinions and views without feeling self conscious
• Being able to say ‘no’ to people without feeling guilty about it.
• Being able to ask for what you want.
• Choosing how you live your life, without feeling guilty about it.
• Having the ability to take risks when you feel you want and need to.

If you feel any of the above are missing from your life then you may have difficulty asserting yourself and expressing yourself.

Some common beliefs about being assertive

A lot of the time you may fear being assertive by believing something will happen if you are assertive in situations.

Have you had any of these thoughts?

‘I can’t say no, they’ll think I am being selfish’

‘I don’t have the right to say how I feel’

‘I am their parent I have to do this for them.’

‘I don’t want to cause a scene at work.’

‘I don’t want the other person to be upset or angry with me.’

‘If I stand up for myself people won’t like me because of it.’

Do you recognise any of these thoughts? Read the article ‘7 Irrational thoughts….’ Which might help you deal with these types of thoughts.

Let me ask you something at this point.  Think of someone you admire, someone who can be assertive, not aggressive but assertive……..take a moment to really think about them.  How do people react to them? I can almost guarantee you that you think they are admired by everyone and everyone seems to like them and get on well with them and they seem to have more people relate to them better than anyone else…….but, before you jump on the thought ‘but they are better (fill in the blank here) than me’, it’s nothing to do with looks, intelligence, higher position, funnier or anything else, it’s to do with their ability to stand up for themselves at the right time and to know when to apologise and take responsibility at the right time.  They may not necessarily stand out in the crowd but they are admired and respected for their opinions.

Now think of someone who is aggressive, someone who others say ‘oh you don’t want to mess with them’ or ‘they are too in your face’.  These people are respected by some people and hated by others, the ones who respect them are more than likely aggressive themselves.  Those who hate them or dislike them tend to stay out of their way and relate to them very poorly.

Now think of someone who is sheepish and says yes to everything, and doesn’t really speak up for themselves or lacks self confidence.  They tend to blend into the background and are often thought of as less significant than others.  This of course is a fault we humans have but it is sadly true that a lot of people think this way.  However this is not to say it is a bad thing to blend into the background if that is your choice but you can be assertive and still blend into the background.

Who would you most like to be like; the Aggressive one, the Assertive one or the Sheepish one?

Look at your problem areas

To change anything in your life you first have to recognise where the problem lies, I know I’ve said this a million times but it’s worth re-iterating.

Look at the times when you feel you really wanted to stand up for yourself but feel you couldn’t, or when you really wanted to say no but said yes, or didn’t say anything when the idiot at work made you look like a fool.

Where does it occur most often?

Are there certain people you have the most problems with?

Is it when you are in a crowd?

Is it harder giving compliments or critiscisms or are both difficult?

Answering all these questions will help you understand when and with whom the problems of assertiveness arise.  It could be that you don’t like talking to the opposite sex or feel intimidated, it could be you feel intimidated by people in authority.  Answering the questions above will help you see exactly where the problem lies.

After you have done the exercise above think about what you think might happen if you did assert yourself in the situations and with the people you thought about.

Rehearsal

My wife once told me she plans for almost all eventualities when she meets someone or feels a difficult situation arising, meaning she rehearses what would happen in certain situations and she thinks about her response to it before it has happened.  She has gotten so good at this over the years that it is second nature to her, I admire her enormously for her quick wit and assertiveness and seeing how people respond to her, it amazes me sometimes.  However I have practiced what I am teaching here and I practice everything in advance if I think a difficult situation might arise.  For example I was at a seminar a few days ago with around 70 people, all of whom were qualisfied doctors, academics, senior practitioners etc.  I was dying to ask the speaker a question about the topic and to clarify something but felt it might be a silly question.  I thought about it for a moment and thought if I am thinking of the question and I think it is important then I am going to ask.  I rehearsed within a few minutes exactly what I was going to say and my tone and hand gestures, waited for the right moment and asked my question and as silly as it sounds it felt very empowering. If I hadn’t asked the question I would have berated myself all day for not doing so.  This is being assertive, not being aggressive, a smart alec or whatever else it’s about knowing you have the right to ask a question or to stand up for yourself.

So practice different scenarios in your head about being assertive.  If you have not done this before it might take you some time but believe me when you practice it all the time it becomes second nature and you will find you just do it when you need to.  However, initially to get you going just practice in your head.

Here are some tips once you have practiced them in your head and time to put them into practice:

• Keep it straight to the point and don’t over complicate it.
• Be polite but firm with the person.
• Take everything the other person says and let it wash over you and remain calm.
• Look at the other person in the eye, but don’t stare at them, (a tip I use is to look at the left eye, then the right and then the mouth)
• Don’t apologise if it’s not necessary

You may feel nervous going into a situation whereby you know you are going to have to assert yourself, this is natural and everybody goes through this and I mean everybody.

Pointing out someone’s behaviour

Something I use which is quite effective is stating what the other person is doing which is making me upset for whatever reason, for example:

‘Why are you raising your voice and pointing in my face.’ The question stops them in their track for a moment and makes them lose their train of thought and to think about their actions, as some people genuinely don’t realise how aggressive they are being.  Pointing it out to them is a good way for you to take control of the situation.

Using ‘I’ statements

Instead of getting angry at someone for their behaviour and keeping it inside use the ‘I’ statement to let them know what you are thinking, for example:

I feel you are being very aggressive toward me.

I get upset when you start shouting at me.

This tells the other person your thoughts on the situation rather than let them take control without any feedback which can often fuel their disruptive behaviour.

Repeating your thoughts on the subject

You might not use this very often but it is still a good way to be assertive and get your point across, for example:

You: ‘These jeans are torn, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘It’s only a small tear, I can give you a discount’

You: ‘No thanks, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘Well I could replace them for you?’

You: ‘No thanks, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘Okay, I’ll just refund the money for you.’

Asserting yourself appropriately

I have seen a lot of people being very shy and demure and blossom into assertive people which is great however just because you have found this new power to be assertive doesn’t mean to say you have to use it at every opportunity.  Know when to pick your battles and know when to let it wash over you.

I hope you have found this useful and it would be great to hear your thoughts on it.

Other articles you might find interesting:

6 Ways to dramatically improve your eye contact skills

7 Irrational thoughts that disrupt your life

How to stop worrying and why

8 Destructive thinking patterns and how to change them

Being more couragious

Body language

Dealing with confrontation

Is your eye contact aggressive, is it soft, is it inviting, do you love with your eyes? Eye contact is a very tricky art to master but vital to effective communication. How can you make it better?

Eye contact provides social information to the person you are listening to and talking to. Too much eye contact and you could be seen as aggressive, too little eye contact and you can be seen as having no interest in the person speaking. It is an often overlooked skill to have and an under utilised skill when communicating with people. You can see masters of eye contact in great sales persons, politicians, and good public speakers.

I realised the importance of eye contact when I was counseling people face to face. I noticed when I broke eye contact the person would stop speaking. When I maintained eye contact the person would continue talking knowing that I was interested in what they had to say.

Physiological signs of eye contact

Street traders know the importance of the eyes when using their selling skills to keep their potential buyers interested. When you are aroused or interested in an object your pupils will dilate and this is a big cue for salesmen all over the world.

Also when you are interested in someone sexually your pupils will dilate and you hold the person’s gaze a little longer than normal. When I was single I always knew when a girl was interested in me through her eyes, now that I am married if I get the same signs I discourage eye contact.

Every day conversation and eye contact

We will use eye contact every day of our lives so it makes sense to learn the best ways to use your eyes to your advantage.

Certain situations demand different uses of the eyes. For example if your are arguing it is seen as strong if you can hold your gaze. If you are deferring to someone it is better to lower your eyes, if you are loving someone it is good to stare into the pool of the eyes.

6 Ways to improve your eye contact skills

1. Talking to a group – When talking to a group of people it is great to have direct contact with your listeners. Don’t make the mistake of maintaining eye contact with just one person as this will stop the other members of the group from listening. To get past this, focus on a different member of the group with every new sentence. This way you are talking to all of the group and keeping them all interested.
2. Talking to an individual – It is great to maintain eye contact when talking to a person however it can become a bit creepy and uncomfortable if you stare intensely at them. To combat this, break eye contact every 5 seconds or so. When breaking the eye contact don’t look down as this might indicate the ending of your part of the conversation. Instead, look up or to the side as if your are remembering something. Try it just now: don’t move your head, and think about the first time you started school. You will notice your eyes might move up or to the side as you try to remember this. So when your listener sees this they will think you are trying to remember something and keep on listening to you.
3. Listening to someone – When you are listening to someone it can be off putting for the talker if you stare at them too hard. The technique I use when I am counseling someone is to use what I call ‘The triangle’. This is when I look at one eye for about 5 seconds, look at the other eye for 5 seconds and then look at the mouth for 5 seconds and keep on rotating in this way. This technique coupled with other listening skills such as nodding, occasional agreement words such as ‘yes’, ‘Uh –huh’ ‘mm’ etc is a great way to keep the talker talking and to show them you are interested in what they are saying.
4. Arguing – Arguing with someone is a skill in itself and if you want to compete in an argument holding the gaze shows strength. If you look away when arguing with someone you have all but lost the argument. Obviously this depends on who you are arguing with but in general it is better to hold the gaze whilst you are making your point and also when you are listening to the other person. We have all come across the person who is great at arguing and making you feel small, you will notice that everyone who is like this try to stare you out. Stare back, it will surprise them, piss them off and put them off what they are trying to say. Staying silent and staring at someone who is trying to rile you is also an effective way to win an argument without saying a word.
5. Attracting someone – When you are trying to attract someone and show them you are interested you can talk and listen with your eyes. When a person you like is speaking use the whole face as your focal point. Look at their eyes, listen to what they are saying, smile in the appropriate places, raise your eyebrows in the appropriate places. If you feel you are staring at them move to their other features such as their lips, their cheeks, their nose and then back to their eyes. Smiling when listening to someone is a great way to show you are interested in them, obviously don’t smile when they have just told you their pet died last night. You have to listen with your ears as well as listening with your eyes (yes I did mean listening with your eyes, you listen to someone’s body language with your eyes).
6. Loving someone – My wife and I often share a prolonged gaze into each others eyes and it is a very special thing to just stare without talking. My wife’s pupils will dilate and she can my pupils dilating. It creates a strong bond between us. To make your pupils dilate even more you can try this: as you are staring at your partner imagine yourself going inside their body and your two souls making love. You are trying to touch their very soul. This will release adrenalin and make your pupils dilate even more.

Other posts you might be interested in.

I could talk about this topic for ages as I think it is a very important skill to have. However here are some other bloggers and researchers who have studied eye contact.

How to improve your body language

How to handle or strike up conversation

Happiness tip: smile at a stranger

Are you looking at me? Eye gaze and the perception of others

How to attract and seduce single sexy women with your eyes

Integrating social and physical cues when judging attractiveness (pdf)

The eyes have it: The fundamentals of eye contact

Theory of non competitive stare

Defeat the stare down

Eye contact and blushing