Think about it : When you go on holiday abroad and I was to ask you a few questions such as:

Where are you going?

France

Where about in France?

Paris

What hotel?

Hotel De Crillon

Who are you going with?

My wife and two children

What Airline are you using?

American Airlines

Where are you flying from?

JFK

What time is your flight?

2pm

etc etc etc

When you go on holiday you are totally confident about where you are going to.  You don’t necessarily know what’s going to happen when you get there, or if there are going to be delays, but no matter what, you are booked on a trip and you know exactly where you are going.

Why don’t we do this in life?

Book a goal and just go there.  It doesn’t matter how you get there, but just be confident that you will get there.  Don’t worry about it being realistic, just book it and starting walking toward it.

This is not another motivational article saying ‘dream big, visualise, see it in your mind and it will manifest itself’.  This is an article about being confident that you are going to reach your goal.

When I coached a client recently and asked them what they want to do in life, I got back the answer: I would love to be an artist.  I asked them if they had painted anything and he advised he had, I then congratulated him on becoming an artist.  Somewhat confused he said he hadn’t sold any of his work so he is not an artist.  ‘Ah’ I said, so you don’t want to be an artist, you want to be someone who gets paid for their artwork? Isn’t that what all artists want? ‘Not necessarily’ I replied, artists paint because they love to paint, they don’t necessarily need the recognition for them to be confident about their artwork.  He replied he wanted to be recognised as a great artist.  I asked him, recognised by who? An art critic who has never painted in his life or by someone who doesn’t recognise the meticulous brush strokes he used when creating his artwork only for them to buy it because it would go well with their bedroom colour scheme.

If you want to be an artist, paint a picture and call yourself an artist and brush up on your skills whilst painting more pictures (pardon the pun )

If you want to be a writer, write a book and call yourself the author of (fill in the blank) and keep writing because you love to.

If you want to ride in the Tour De France, get of your arse, start peddling and make it happen

The need to over (everything), it

We have this need sometimes, to over analyse things and put barriers in our way.  If you have a goal in life all you need to do is be confident about your goal, know, within yourself, why you are doing it, get passionate about it and keep your eye on the goal at all times.

Deal with the hurdles as they turn up, but don’t create the hurdles before they turn up,

Deal with the stress when it arises, but don’t create the stress before you get there,

Listen to others opinions about your goals, but don’t let the opinions put you off,

Deal with what you will do when you get there, when you get there, but don’t analyse what you will do before you get there, as you will never get there.

Don’t stop to think about it, go with the flow whilst your goal is hot and passionate and turn your ‘I’m going to……’ into ‘I am….’

The quickest way to lose potential friends is to put yourself down all the time. People who do this, no matter what’s going on in their lives, are very tiresome and drain everyone’s energy.

The self-deprecator

We’ve all been the victim of self-deprecation before. The times when we have lost our confidence in ourselves and used language that conveyed to others we were incapable of doing things. Now this is okay as we quickly recognised it or our friends, family and colleagues would ask us why we were putting ourselves down and hopefully we would get out of self-deprecation mode and regain our confidence.

For some people they have developed the art of self-deprecation and function very well. They draw people in and make people feel sorry for them, thereby offering help when someone is putting themselves down, this quickly becomes tiresome and the person who is helping all the time will start to avoid the person putting themselves down.

Self-deprecation can also be an indicator of some form of mental illness; severe depression, and stress. It can also be an indicator of some kind of trauma in someone’s life such as abuse, in the past and in the present. Many women who suffer from domestic abuse are prone to self-deprecation. Therefore, we as colleagues, friends and family have a duty to try to understand what is going on in someone’s life and help them through difficult times.

Dealing with the self deprecator

There are ways to deal with people who put themselves down all the time. Here are just a few things you can do:

• Point out to the person when they are using self deprecating language
• Ask if there is anything they want to talk about
• Point out their strengths
• Stop them from apologising all the time
• Never put them down in front of people

The cycle of self-doubt

If you constantly say to yourself you can’t do something, guess what, you won’t be able to do it. If you don’t do things you will sink further into the ‘can’t do’ attitude and try even less activities. The less you try to do the lower your self esteem will become. This is a vicious circle and is hard to break if not recognised.

Stopping the cycle and gaining confidence

If you are someone who puts yourself down all the time there are a few things you can do to try and stop the cycle and regain your self confidence

• Focus on your strengths and do more things around them
• Work on smaller goals which are achievable
• Do not compare yourself to someone else
• Think about your successes in life (everyone has success stories)
• Learn from someone you admire (Don’t compare, just learn i.e. how do they react in certain situations, how do they walk, how do they talk)
• Learn to talk positively to yourself
• Recognise the demons of self consciousness and stop them in their tracks by talking positively and remembering your successes
• Congratulate yourself often, even with small jobs
• Build your confidence slowly and learn from each success

A powerful way to change your beliefs

The way you speak to yourself internally will literally change your beliefs about yourself. If you constantly tell yourself you’re no good at something you are literally hypnotising yourself into believing that. Don’t underestimate the power of self talk.

Low self esteem and low self confidence can be debilitating but you can break the habit by changing the way you think and changing the way you speak. Stop the self deprecating talk and start to learn more about yourself and build on your successes.

Read the other parts of the ‘Making true friends’ series here:

How to make true friends – part 4 – Body language

How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty

How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness

How to make true friends – part 1 – know yourself

Other articles you might enjoy

Building self confidence – about.com

Seven powerful steps for self confidence – Simply Smart Tips

Improve your self confidence in 15 minutes – Out-side the box

How to stay confident in your decision to be a WAHM – Vineyar designs

10 ways to instantly build self confidence – Pick the Brain

25 killer actions to boost your self confidence – Zen habits