Furthermore, this power is not restricted to people that you know. In fact, it actually extends to people you have only seen once, and that you have never even spoken to. That’s right, with almost no effort you can change the state of a complete stranger in a moment, from a distance, without a word. How’s that for influence?

As intriguing as this power is, it is really a very specialized form of communication. Let’s look at some possible candidates.

Verbal communication skills

In an effort to influence other people, most of us tend to rely on verbal communication skills. Why? Because being able to express our thoughts and feelings accurately and convincingly is a powerful skill. We have all been persuaded, motivated, or otherwise moved by the words of skilled communicators.

Whether delivered by a captivating speaker, a talented author, or a persuasive friend, well crafted words have the power to touch our hearts and stimulate our thinking. But this article is not about the influential power of words, and here’s why. For our words to be able to touch somebody’s life, they need to be heard or read. Remember, I said you could use this power of influence from a distance, without speaking to the other person.

How about body language?

There is no doubt that our body language has a strong influence on the way others view us. Yes, body language conveys a powerful, subconscious message to everyone who sees us, even from a distance. So body language is most definitely an influential means of communication.

Is body language the secret power of influence we are looking for? Even though body language is an effective way to communicate nonverbally, and to influence how others perceive us, it doesn’t really have the power to change their mental state. So, it’s effect is limited.

How about our external trappings?

This is a large category that includes the clothes we wear, the car we drive, the cost of our wristwatch or jewelry, the home we live in, and various things like that. There’s no denying it, those things do get other people’s attention.

Really though, external trappings are just an extension of our body language. They may convey a message about our current financial status, but again, all that does is influence people’s perception of us, not their mental state. So, what is this powerful yet specialized form of communication we are looking for?

Here’s a clue

Imagine that you make eye contact with someone walking down the street who looks sad. What could you do to to help them? What secret power could you release in a moment, without a word, that would help them feel better right now?

Perhaps you are the one walking down the street feeling blue, and someone else makes eye contact with you from 10 feet away. What could that person do to add a little shot of joy to your life instantly?

Did you figure it out?

If not, don’t feel bad. It’s probably because the answer is so obvious and simple. OK, here’s how you can use your influence to instantly change someone else’s mental state. First, look them straight in the eyes, and then, give them a warm, sincere smile. Wasn’t that easy?

Smiling at other people has the power to change their focus and lift their spirits in an instant. It’s a friendly little gesture that forms an immediate connection between you and them. Smiling also sends a powerful message of good will. Amazingly, a smile can reach clear across a room and touch the heart of a complete stranger. Now that’s powerful!

Think of your own experiences

How do you react when you are just going about your daily business, and someone you don’t even know smiles at you for no discernible reason? My guess is, you smile back, right? It’s the natural reaction.

Now tell me this, how does exchanging smiles with someone else make you feel? It feels good, doesn’t it? So smiling is a simple way to make everybody feel better immediately. That’s a pretty wonderful ability to have at your disposal, don’t you think?

Use your power of influence

Why not make a special effort to use this power liberally to improve your life, and the lives of those around you? Go ahead, exercise this great power every chance you get and see if it doesn’t completely transform the quality of your life.

Don’t be surprised if people are attracted to you like a magnet, even though they won’t consciously know why. The important thing is, you will know why, and you will feel really good about it. In fact, it will probably make you smile!

How to make true friends – part 1 – Know yourself

How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness

How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty

The components of Body language

We’ve all read about body language and seen TV programs about it. It’s one of the most important parts to communication we can master and there is an art to body language, both the receiving of body language and the giving out of body language.

Learning about body language can help when making friends and when wanting to help your overall interaction with others personally or in business or in the workplace.

You might not realise that body language has wide range of components. Here are the main categories:

• Kinesics (body language)
• Proxemics (proximity)
• Haptics
• Oculesics
• Chronemics
• Olfactics
• Vocalics
• Adornment
• Locomotion Walking, running, staggering, limping

Although body language skills can be learned to a degree it is extremely difficult to teach due to the nature of humans and the different shapes and sizes we come. However if we know the components of body language and have a rough idea of the structure we can become better body language communicators.
Obviously to look at each component and write about it would be a book in itself so I will give an example of each component and direct you to a useful website.

Kinesics: This is how we use our body to let others know how we are feeling. Some body language signals used are:

Shoulder shrug: The simple act of a shoulder shrug can tell someone a lot about you if you use this gesture a lot. It’s basically telling the other person that you are quite submissive, you’re telling them you don’t know something and sometimes you’re saying you don’t really care. It’s also a sign of resignation and possibly that you’ve given up on something.

You can read more about Kinesics here

Proxemics: This is the use of space to signal privacy or attraction to someone. There are four different types of space: social space, personal space, intimate space and public space.

When you are attracted to someone you will notice that you will stand closer to them and don’t mind them coming into your personal space. On the other hand if you are not attracted to someone your personal space becomes bigger and the person that enters that space will be given clues by you to back off or you will back off.

Be careful to read the signs correctly about personal space as it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing for you and the person you are with, if not read correctly.
You can read more about Proxemics here

Haptics: The use of touch to convey feelings. Have you ever had someone who touches you on the shoulder or the arm when they are talking to you? This is the use of Haptics to convey a sign or trust or attraction. Think about a time when you are chatting to someone and they touch your arm when they are telling you a story, this happens quite a lot in human interaction, but only with people who trust you or whom you trust.
This also happens when two people are attracted to each other and it is a way of touching the other person in a non-sexual way but still give the sign that you are interested in them.

Couples use haptics all the time to convey love for each other and of course to show love for each other.

You can read more about Haptics here

Oculesics: This is the use of eye contact to convey your feelings. We will use eye contact every day of our lives so it makes sense to learn the best ways to use your eyes to your advantage.

Certain situations demand different uses of the eyes. For example, if you are arguing it is seen as strong if you can hold your gaze. If you are deferring to someone it is better to lower your eyes, if you are loving someone, it is good to stare into the pool of the eyes.

Eye contact is one of the most important areas in non-verbal communication.

You can read more about Oculesics here

Chronemics: Use of time, waiting, pausing. I remember being obsessed with time when I was meeting someone for a date. My mantra was ‘If they are not on time for a date they are not that interested’. I used to wait for 15 minutes tops and would then leave. This is of course a bit silly, but it said a lot about me and it says a lot about the other person as well.

Your speed of speech is also a non-verbal indicator that you are in a hurry, or you don’t think people will listen long enough to let you speak slower. There are a lot of Chronemic indicators in body language and it is one I find the most interesting.

There are two types of people when it comes to chronemics, see if you can recognise yourself:

Monochronemic person: someone who does one job at a time, concentrates on the job at hand, adheres religiously to plans, emphasizes promptness, and is accustomed to short-term relationships.

Ploychronemic person: do many things at once, highly distracted and are subject to interruptions, change plans often and easily, have a strong tendency to build lifetime relationships.

Read more about Chronemics here

Olfactics: The use of smell to help us in our lives. We all know that smell is important when it comes to warning us of dangers, for example rotten food smells, which is a warning to us not to eat it.

Humans also use this knowledge of smell to attract a potential mate. This is why the perfume industry is still booming and also why ads portray deodorants in a sexual way.

Vocalics: Tone of voice, timbre, volume, speed. Another important aspect of human interaction especially for sales people, public speakers and politicians etc. Your voice gives a lot of clues about how you are feeling at any particular time.

If you speak to quickly it could be sign that you think that what you are saying is not worthy of being heard. Speaking too loudly is a sign of brashness and pomposity, speaking too softly is a sign of being too timid and lacking confidence. Your voice holds a lot of clue to the type of person you are.

Read more about Vocalics here

Adornment: What you wear and how you wear it. What you wear is another indication of your personality. One classic example is wearing something to distinguish you from another group, think about the mods and the rockers, or Goths, punks, teddy boys, skaters etc.

Your hairstyle is another part of adornment and the way you wear your hair says a lot about you.

Think about the phrase ‘First impressions last”, most people dress to impress when meeting someone for the first time or for going for an interview, this is part of the non verbal communication side of adornment.

Locomotion: Walking, running, staggering, limping. How do you walk when you are felling depressed or low? Shoulders hunched head down, walking slowly. Now think about how you walk when you are feeling bright and confident; head held high, chest out, walk quickly.

The way you walk tells a person a lot about you. I always walk in a confident way even if I am feeling low, it helps me to get into a better mood and feel more confident. When you are feeling weary trying walking as if you are confident and very happy, pretty soon you’ll be feeling more confident and happier.

Read more about Locomation here

As you can see I have only touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to body language. It is a fascinating subject and one I would recommend learning about. Most of us instinctively can read the signs of body language but we can always learn more and gain advantage when it comes to making friendships in all areas of our lives.

Is your eye contact aggressive, is it soft, is it inviting, do you love with your eyes? Eye contact is a very tricky art to master but vital to effective communication. How can you make it better?

Eye contact provides social information to the person you are listening to and talking to. Too much eye contact and you could be seen as aggressive, too little eye contact and you can be seen as having no interest in the person speaking. It is an often overlooked skill to have and an under utilised skill when communicating with people. You can see masters of eye contact in great sales persons, politicians, and good public speakers.

I realised the importance of eye contact when I was counseling people face to face. I noticed when I broke eye contact the person would stop speaking. When I maintained eye contact the person would continue talking knowing that I was interested in what they had to say.

Physiological signs of eye contact

Street traders know the importance of the eyes when using their selling skills to keep their potential buyers interested. When you are aroused or interested in an object your pupils will dilate and this is a big cue for salesmen all over the world.

Also when you are interested in someone sexually your pupils will dilate and you hold the person’s gaze a little longer than normal. When I was single I always knew when a girl was interested in me through her eyes, now that I am married if I get the same signs I discourage eye contact.

Every day conversation and eye contact

We will use eye contact every day of our lives so it makes sense to learn the best ways to use your eyes to your advantage.

Certain situations demand different uses of the eyes. For example if your are arguing it is seen as strong if you can hold your gaze. If you are deferring to someone it is better to lower your eyes, if you are loving someone it is good to stare into the pool of the eyes.

6 Ways to improve your eye contact skills

1. Talking to a group – When talking to a group of people it is great to have direct contact with your listeners. Don’t make the mistake of maintaining eye contact with just one person as this will stop the other members of the group from listening. To get past this, focus on a different member of the group with every new sentence. This way you are talking to all of the group and keeping them all interested.
2. Talking to an individual – It is great to maintain eye contact when talking to a person however it can become a bit creepy and uncomfortable if you stare intensely at them. To combat this, break eye contact every 5 seconds or so. When breaking the eye contact don’t look down as this might indicate the ending of your part of the conversation. Instead, look up or to the side as if your are remembering something. Try it just now: don’t move your head, and think about the first time you started school. You will notice your eyes might move up or to the side as you try to remember this. So when your listener sees this they will think you are trying to remember something and keep on listening to you.
3. Listening to someone – When you are listening to someone it can be off putting for the talker if you stare at them too hard. The technique I use when I am counseling someone is to use what I call ‘The triangle’. This is when I look at one eye for about 5 seconds, look at the other eye for 5 seconds and then look at the mouth for 5 seconds and keep on rotating in this way. This technique coupled with other listening skills such as nodding, occasional agreement words such as ‘yes’, ‘Uh –huh’ ‘mm’ etc is a great way to keep the talker talking and to show them you are interested in what they are saying.
4. Arguing – Arguing with someone is a skill in itself and if you want to compete in an argument holding the gaze shows strength. If you look away when arguing with someone you have all but lost the argument. Obviously this depends on who you are arguing with but in general it is better to hold the gaze whilst you are making your point and also when you are listening to the other person. We have all come across the person who is great at arguing and making you feel small, you will notice that everyone who is like this try to stare you out. Stare back, it will surprise them, piss them off and put them off what they are trying to say. Staying silent and staring at someone who is trying to rile you is also an effective way to win an argument without saying a word.
5. Attracting someone – When you are trying to attract someone and show them you are interested you can talk and listen with your eyes. When a person you like is speaking use the whole face as your focal point. Look at their eyes, listen to what they are saying, smile in the appropriate places, raise your eyebrows in the appropriate places. If you feel you are staring at them move to their other features such as their lips, their cheeks, their nose and then back to their eyes. Smiling when listening to someone is a great way to show you are interested in them, obviously don’t smile when they have just told you their pet died last night. You have to listen with your ears as well as listening with your eyes (yes I did mean listening with your eyes, you listen to someone’s body language with your eyes).
6. Loving someone – My wife and I often share a prolonged gaze into each others eyes and it is a very special thing to just stare without talking. My wife’s pupils will dilate and she can my pupils dilating. It creates a strong bond between us. To make your pupils dilate even more you can try this: as you are staring at your partner imagine yourself going inside their body and your two souls making love. You are trying to touch their very soul. This will release adrenalin and make your pupils dilate even more.

Other posts you might be interested in.

I could talk about this topic for ages as I think it is a very important skill to have. However here are some other bloggers and researchers who have studied eye contact.

How to improve your body language

How to handle or strike up conversation

Happiness tip: smile at a stranger

Are you looking at me? Eye gaze and the perception of others

How to attract and seduce single sexy women with your eyes

Integrating social and physical cues when judging attractiveness (pdf)

The eyes have it: The fundamentals of eye contact

Theory of non competitive stare

Defeat the stare down

Eye contact and blushing