About Annabel CandyUp until recently I checked out everyone who followed me on Twitter to see if I wanted to follow them back. Most of the profiles on Twitter are about as dull as waiting for your computer to boot up in the morning, but one of them caught my eye.
“Overweight petite body-builder” it started, which intrigued me right away. Not because I have any interest in body-building because, unless you count my morning toning sessions with a pair of 2kg dumb-bells, I have no interest in it at all. What intrigued me was the honesty, the brave sharing of her flaws, the obvious authenticity behind it and the contradictions in those three words. I wondered how an overweight person could be petite or a body builder and had to find out more.
Unlike most of the profiles on Twitter this one told the tale of a real person, an interesting person and a person with flaws just like me. Here was someone I could relate to. Someone who wasn’t afraid to be honest and admit her flaws but was also trying to improve herself.
Accepting yourself
In the past I’ve feared being judged and disliked because I’m too thin or fat, have a funny accent, am shy, work from home, have a messy house or just don’t fit in with most people. At some point you have to let go and accept that not everyone will like you no matter what you do or how much you try to fit in and that really it’s their loss.
For a long time I lived with that fear of judgement. In everything I did I was consciously worrying about what other people would think about it or trying to hide the truth about me from them.
That was mainly because I worked from and lived on an island in New Zealand with a reputation for being populated by weirdos and hippies but tried to keep it hidden from my prospective clients because I knew they’d never use my services if they found out I worked from home and where my home was. I also pretended to be happy, when I was depressed and pretended to be outgoing when I was shy.
In the end all this hiding who I really was made me unhappier than I had ever been before. The disconnect between what I was actually feeling and doing and the front I presented to the world made me feel stressed out and lonely.
When I realised the cause of my stress and loneliness I stopped doing it and started letting people see the real me. My confidence and self esteem grew and my happiness levels soared as I realised that it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was other peoples’ attitudes.
Some people are friendly, open-minded and non-judgemental and some are not. People will accept you or not depending on their values not yours but the longer they know you and the more flaws they discover about you the more they’ll like you.
We all have flaws
Here’s an example. Reading the official line about celebrities or watching them be interviewed is boring. Their perfect hair, skin, clothes and well practised words can’t hold anyone’s attention for long. But, when people write about celebrity philandering (Tiger Woods), mental health problems (Britney Spears) or yo-yoing weight battles (Oprah) that’s when the celebs start to get interesting. When we realise stars aren’t the perfect individuals they seem to be in the movies and posters, that’s when we like them more.
We’re all contradictory and flawed but that’s what makes us interesting. To learn to love yourself you need to celebrate your contradictions and flaws, not hide them. Go on, I dare you to try it and see what I mean. Intuitively you think admitting your flaws will turn people off you but actually it draws them in.
Oh and if you decide to check me out on Twitter, I apologise. My Twitter profile is deathly dull but I’m sure you won’t hold that against me, it’s just one of my many flaws and imperfections.
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Hi Annabel
Welcome to CYT and thank you for writing an important post. It is indeed important to accept and love ourself in life. The hard thing might be doing it but as you said here, as soon as you realised why you were feeling the way you were you stopped. Because you became aware of it, which is really the operative word here.
Thanks again Annabel and I know the readers of CYT will give you a warm welcome.
Thank you for having me here. It’s a pleasure to write for you and your readers. We do have to accept and love ourselves but it can be a long journey. I think knowing that everyone else has flaws helps. Thanks again Steven.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..Blogging Perks: Shanghai Slideshow =-.
Hey Annabel!
I think you’ve tapped into something very powerful here. It’s an empowering feeling to be able to love yourself fully, warts n’ all. Like you said, we all have imperfections but knowing that you can still be loved and accepted in spite of them, opens you up to a vastly more enjoyable life. I think the people that we all naturally radiate towards and feel good around are those people that have come to love themselves.
Wonderful thoughts!
Hi Ben, thanks for commenting here, it’s great to get to know you a bit through that and see your photo. It really makes Change Your Thoughts seem like a vibrant community. It’s also empowering to know think well some people aren’t going to like me or what I do but nevermind, many people will and they’re my kind of people:)
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..Blogging Perks: Shanghai Slideshow =-.
Annabel, you are such a wise woman! I know that loving yourself no matter what is sometimes very difficult because we all want to be better and more perfect. However, the paradox is that if we don’t love ourselves then we cannot grow or improve, we get stuck in the feeling of misery, depression and constant unhappiness.
Loving your imperfections and treating them like your own unique features is the best way to be the best and happiest person you can be.
.-= Anastasiya´s last blog ..6 Rules of Stress Free Work/Life Balance =-.
Hi Anastasiya, great point thanks! We are always hardest on ourselves. Once you’ve worked out what your flaws are and accepted them you can also work out how to get what you want depsite or even because of the flaws. Blushing about being called wise. I do have some great insights into life from time to time:) I think you’re pretty wise too.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..Blogging Perks: Shanghai Slideshow =-.
Great post Annabel. I agree that it’s important to accept our flaws as who we are and move on. I like your example that it would be boring watching the perfect lives of celebrities. People are more interested in watching their struggles and how they can overcome them. That’s why I write a lot about entrepreneurs and celebrities that have had a lot of difficulty in their lives. Thanks for this and also sharing that wonderful slideshow of you visiting Shanghai, China on your blog!
Hi Hulbert, the celebrities are the perfect example. I think it’s amazing that the ones who do all the wrong things are often the most popular. I think people like reading about their mistakes because they can see that even role models and successful stars have feet of clay. We’re all just humans trying to so the best we can:) Shanghai was amazing but most amazing of all is how blogging gave me the opportunity to go there which I’d never have had otherwise. I’m very grateful for that.
.-= http://www.getinthehotspot.com/´s last blog ..Blogging Perks: Shanghai Slideshow =-.
Hi Annabel,
Thanks for your post and for the emphasis on love and acceptance. I was 40 last month & have spent more than half this life [if not more] acting happy and working very hard to ‘conform’ – but to what? All I ended up with was depression & anxiety until last year I decided no more! It is so hard and so ridiculous in some ways to say how difficult it is to love yourself when you do not feel loved in a tangible way by your own parents in the first instance, however, as I slowly accept their flaws and contradictions, and even though I have little contact with them, acceptance has been a powerful way to finally move forwards positively and in doing so, I can now begin to treat myself the same way too. Bingo!
Love this. When we’re little children we love ourselves wholeheartedly until the adults around us start telling us, “You can’t do that.” Or “Quit acting that way or saying that because you’ll embarrass me.” I was just thinking of Susan Boyle stepping onto the stage of Britain’s Got Talent. Such a courageous person showing the world she was happy in her own skin. And that voice…This world is so obssessed with perfect this and perfect that. An episode of the old “Twilight Zone” series brings this to home. All the women in the future choose a look that is supposedly “perfect” until you look around and see a dozen more who look just like her. The beauty world is crammed with anti-aging this and that. I am 53 years old and I feel more beautiful inside than I have ever in my life…with all my flaws. I’ve always been the square peg in the round hole and now I love it and myself. Love and Light
Hi Annette, that’s such an inspiring story. I’m also in my forties (twice 21:) and I really do think it gets better with age. It takes a long time to sort out family histories and know who we really are, understand what makes us happy and have the confidence to go for it no matter what anyone else thinks. I’m excited for you and wish you good luck in all your plans.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..Blogging Perks: Shanghai Slideshow =-.
HI Annabel,
SO awesome to see you here girl! And happier that you write about a topic thats so close to my heart.
Embracing your imperfections is the only way to live a complete and fulfilled life. Just imagine if we all were indeed flawless-everyone was perfect…my God that would be a highly boring world. Our imperfections make us interesting, and most of all they exude our Uniqueness.
And, we all ARE UNIQUE!
So bring it on…imperfections and all….I am proud to be perfectly flawed and imperfect
Lots of love to you oh wise one
Z~
Hey Steven, Annabel is so much fun…I love her honest writing. Thank you for this lovely guest post
Hi Zeenat, thanks for commenting. I’m really not that wise though but hopefully getting wiser at least! This was a lot more personal than I usually write. I think I’m getting more confident about sharing my quirks with people. Lots of love back to you too, you’re a star.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel,
Loving yourself is one of the main causes that people feel depressed and unappreciated. We have to learn to love ourselves at all times and if someone doesn’t like us or criticize us, we should be fine with that too.
Thanks for sharing a very important topic
.-= Dia´s last blog ..How to attract people =-.
Hi Dia, lovely to meet you here. I bet you’re right about that. There is too much self-loathing. I was just thinking that this morning. For example, I think that’s partly why obesity is soaring. Getting used to being criticised or disliked is vital too but I think it only comes from it happening a lot. As a writer I’m getting used to rejection. It still bothers me but I dwell on it less and get back to writing something else faster:)
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Annabel! This is awesome stuff!!! I can’t tell you how many times my voice teacher said I had to learn to love myself before I really listened to her. I guess I always assumed that I loved myself, yet I always was complaining about how I was “messing up” everything in my life. Well now that I do really love myself, I find that I’m not “messing up” anymore and positivity is flowing in abundance. Oh, and my singing has gotten A LOT better, too!
.-= Matt Maresca´s last blog ..Be Bold: It’s the Only Way to Stand Out From the Other Characters =-.
Matt – You can’t push it can you. It’s so important to use positive language all the time. It sounds as if you’re on top of the world right now. Keep singing, it’s only going to get better:)
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel, I love your post! Authentic happiness takes place when one begins to accept his flaws. I think flaws are what make people more human. It would actually be too boring if everybody was perfect; flaws make us unique. If we accept our flaws, we can experience an engaged life, which will result in authentic happiness.
.-= JM @ Calgary Psychology´s last blog ..In a lived life, life lives =-.
You can never get away from yourself, so it makes sense to just accept yourself totally warts and all.
.-= Joe´s last blog ..#16 Another Learning Experience =-.
Thank you Annabel for an excellent viewpoint.
The initial pain of accepting your shortcomings is just that – initial. The benefits of this acceptance are much longer lasting and satisfying than the feeble, and ultimately unsuccessful, attempts of hiding or justifying these. Acceptance also opens the way for their correction – if you choose to. Whatever action you take then would be of your own freewill and choice, as opposed to a forced exercise of having to conform to standrads set by ‘others’.
Thanks again, and appreciate your candid views.
Hi Rakesh, thank you I appreciate your thoughts. Trying to please other people is a huge mistake and something I’ve spent a fair bit of time doing in the past. It is liberating to realise that there’s only one person you need to please – yourself:)
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Great article as always Annabel. I believe in that the key to happiness always starts within and it should manifest itself outwards. I believe that for other people to like/love you, you must first like/love yourself. And I know it’s not easy when you see your flaws. And so what? Annabel is right. Everyone has flaws. And sometimes, we need to be reminded.
Thanks for making my day and reminding me to love myself.
Very true words! We need to love ourselves and to accept ourselves the way we are. You story is very similar to mine! Thanks for sharing, Annabel!
.-= Roman Soluk´s last blog ..How to have a fabulous wedding! =-.
Hi Annabel. Great story. Flaws are exciting and let the world know we’re unique. Flaws like criticism should never be taken personally. It’s nice to be noticed. Noticing how great we are is the hard bit. It’s okay to be me. I love the peace in that. Bless you, Simon.
Bless you Simon indeed:) I’m meeting some lovely people here and I’m so glad you’re you and at peace with that. It sounds beautiful and inspiring.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel,
I think you make a really important point, that celebrities aren’t perfect! I see so many people aspiring to be like celebrities (thinner, blonder, taller, whiter teeth…) and putting their happiness on hold until they’ve achieved that (I’ll be happier when…). The reality is that celebrities are no happier than the rest of us, despite being thinner / blonder / taller etc. In fact, if you believe the media, a lot of them seem to be unhappier than the average person (no wonder, when their flaws are headline news!). So, it seems the solution is to be happy with who you are. Sure, aim to lose weight if that’s going to make you feel healthier, or change your hair colour if it’s going to give you a bit of a boost, but don’t do it in pursuit of celebrityness (is that a word?).
Topi
.-= Topi´s last blog ..Gratitude for breakfast =-.
Hi Topi, some celebs are a bit wierd looking actually – just too perfect so you can’t relate to them at all. I’ve got to confess I’m a big fan of Britney and I know a part of that’s because she’s done plenty of crazy stuff and come out the other side. When someone’s bravely bared all you really want them to succeed!
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel,
It’s easy to get stuck into a spiral of self-doubt when you surround yourself with a daily bombardment of messages that force you to compare yourself against the perfect person, with the perfect waistline, driving the perfect car to the perfect house, living the perfect life.
Over four years ago, we made the decision to stop tuning in to advertiser sponsored, broadcast media (TV, radio, papers). One of the unexpected benefits was a much higher degree of self acceptance.
We’re okay as we are. Sure, we can seek to live life to the full and hold ourselves to high standards of behaviour – but us, we’re okay!
Best to you, Robin
.-= Robin Dickinson´s last blog ..The best and worst leadership qualities =-.
Hi Robin, lovely to see you here. I don’t do telly, radio or magazines much either. It does make you happier with what you’ve got and less needy of material stuff. Thanks for sharing the tip. I recommend it too. It makes conversation hard with sometimes but you can always find someone else who’s never heard of that show either and they’re probably more interesting too, like you:)
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel,
Only in recent years I have started to appreciate my physical short comings, I think you’re right. Hollywood has a huge part to do with his perfection everyone’s trying to strive for.
I’m glad to know that those pictures we see in magazine covers are heavily altered, it definitely gives 95% of the population feel much more… normal? lol
.-= Parker Lee | howtomingle.com´s last blog ..WOMEN: will YOU end up ALONE-? =-.
Annabel Candy, you know that I have recently discovered you (and envy that new blog design you have) and now reading your guest post here on Steven’s page. And on what a grand topic….No modesty here: I love myself. But not my flaws. And I certainly do not flaunt them like that brave Twitter friend of yours. I think it is something to work on – to love ourselves despite everything that we consider a “flaw”, or a shortcoming – it may even be an advantage in the eyes of many others. I love your writing style. Thank you for the insights you share here…..
Hi Farnoosh, it’s been great to meet you too our here in the blogosphere! Glad that gave you something to think about and thanks for the lovely feedback.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Farnoosh, I agree with you. I have a respect for myself as a person. And I believe in the Christian virtue of humility: not false pride, as in ‘I’m a terrible person, and so are my faults’, but an accurate understanding of my gifts/strengths, and also my very real faults. And it’s up to me to work on those shortcomings.
.-= Steve-Prospering With Aspergers´s last blog ..Dating and Aspergers =-.
Hi Steve – it is so important to know ourselves and know what we can and can’t do. Liberating in fact!
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel,
How very true. When I was in college I wanted people to believe I was in Athletics (I did this by hanging out with jocks). In hindsight I can see the insanity of it. We have all played the game of pretending before. When pretending in order to look good becomes our daily working principle, we hand title of our life over to others. Joyful self-creation requires valuing our inner splendor over pleasing others. If we are to experience our unlimited nature, we must believe we are sufficient as we are.
Hi Rob, you look familiar and sound very wise. I love it all, especially this bit: valuing our inner splendor over pleasing others.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
A very honest approach Annabel. You shine when you hold your hand up and admit you hid the real you. So true for many of us too. We all hide behind make up, nice clothes, a great job title, our family, or by looking good at the gym. Underneath we are all beautiful and special and focusing on that leads us to letting go of the fears hidden in our false behaviours and living for who we are. Simple put powerful post which I enjoyed immensely.
.-= John Sherry´s last blog ..3 Simple Laws That Could Change The World =-.
Hi John, it was more personal than I normally write, I’m getting braver:) Glad you enjoyed the story and thanks for being so supportive. I appreciate it.
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
I totally agree that we can’t please everyone, but I for one believe that is is very important to keep and love those who have accepted you for who you are, for your good and bad traits. There are only a few people in my life who have put up with my negative attitudes and I’m forever thankful that I have them.
.-= Julius´s last blog ..4 Easy Steps to Make Your Site More Usable to Older People =-.
Wonderful article about embracing our humanity and allowing our inner selves to shine. you know, people who are going to judge will do so regardless of what we do, look like, etc. Judgment really says more about the person doing the judging than the person being judged. So much easier to just be ourselves and silent blessing to the judges of the world.
((( hug )))
Susan
.-= Susan Liddy´s last blog ..SURVEY Results: “What do you think of beauty pageants like Miss America and Miss USA?” =-.
Hi Annabel,
I hadn’t stopped to think of it before, but you’re right we all do put out this image of ourselves and hide our flaws, especially in those short bios on Twitter. I don’t remember what I put on Twitter, but I’m sure it’s boring and not as entertaining as “overweight body builder.” (I love that!)
Maybe mine should read: Stressed out former meditation teacher and intuitive consultant? Now, that’s the truth!
Thank you for making me laugh – I needed it today!
.-= Angela Artemis´s last blog ..Intuition: You Don’t Have to Scare The **** Out of Yourself! =-.
Very nice article. I do not mean to get religious on anyone, but when the bible says “Love your neighbor as yourself,” the statement reads, “When you learn to love yourself, you’ll in turn love others.” Loving yourself is the best thing you can give others.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..U.S. Army Sponsoring Fever Game with Special Silent Auction for Wounded Warrior Project =-.
Thanks Colleen, and it’s certainly an example we should be setting our kids too:)
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel,
I liked this post and had a wry smile to myself while I was reading it. Its very easy to “try too hard” in life and it is also be futile trying to please everyone – although I still do it!
By the way, I am in West Australia and know a few Kiwis -what is the name of the weirdo island in New Zeland you lived in?
Gareth
Hi Gareth, thank heavens I’ve finally given up trying to please them all. The only problem is that there are 5 people in my family so there are always a few people who aren’t happy with the state of play and cry no fair.
It was Waiheke Island. A gorgeous place with some amzing people. Of course they got rid of most of the hippies and drop outs and gentrified the island but there are still enough oddballs tucked away here and there to make it interesting:) I love it!
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..How to Stay Focused in 9 Words =-.
Hi Annabel
Nice post, I just wanted to say, in my opinion people have right to choice what make of their live’s, but strive for perfection is the biggest mistake that they could ever make.
Simply put, perfection does not exist. Perfection is the expectation and speculation about the future. When we realize this, we can accept our imperfections and love ourselves.
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..The Current State of Personal Development Scene – Part 2 =-.
Reading this article again, I find additional pieces of advice I may have overlooked before. Thanks. I also found much value in the comments of our other friends.
.-= Julius´s last blog ..The Challenges of People with Cognitive Disabilities Using the Internet =-.
The key to attracting the love that you want in your life is to love yourself first. Not just to say it, but to mean it, to feel it, to actually and truly sincerely love yourself. The greatest part is that this is also the secret to attracting anything else you desire in your life. It starts with you first.
It will help you manifest anything that you desire into your life.
.-= Ben Tien´s last blog ..Create Your Own Hypnotic Suggestions =-.
Hi Annabell
I’m a coach in New Zealand too – but not on the ‘weirdo hippie island’!
I agree with your article wholeheartedly – self-acceptance, self-belief, self-love – all are vitally important to our wellbeing and without them we just stagnate. I learnt long ago that if I were to wait till I was young and gorgeous and rich and famous before I allowed myself to live life then I would be waiting an awful long time and not living at all. I choose self-love and enjoying life over hiding away just because I may not be the same as ‘everybody else’.
We are all perfect in our imperfection.
.-= Marian Kerr´s last blog ..Marian Kerr =-.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post Annabel. I definitely lived a significant portion of my life in that place of insecurity with myself. Thankfully, I’ve learned to appreciate all things “weird.” Your article is so touching and I passed it on to my teenage daughter who is still on the path of learning to fully love and accept herself.
.-= Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..Why Living a Passionate Life is the Daddy of Self Improvement Ideas =-.
Self deprecating is one of the best relating tools out there. If you can embrace that we are all flawed and laugh at yourself – so powerful and freeing. I still struggle to try to save face but we’ll get there.
Good stuff Annabel
yes it is true ,, very good post
.-= Eden luxury´s last blog ..Villa La Cavalerie featured in L Officiel Voyage =-.
OMG!!! You’re quoting ME! In a guest post!! I just about died when I followed Steve’s Facebook “you may like” link.
I’m glad you were able to tease a post out of my desperate attemp to talk a new self into being. How I wish I could get over to meet some of the fascinating folks who people your side of the world!!
You have a wonderful day, m’dear!
Hi Trece,
Hi Trece, glad you liked the story too. I think everyone did. I wrote it months ago! I kept your ID private in case you didn’t want to be outed but very glad you too. I still love the story and the description! You’re the most interesting bodybuilder ever in my book:) Yes, it would be great to meet!
.-= Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot´s last blog ..The Tao of Blogging =-.
Very inspiring article, Annabel! It really is. In this busy world that we’re in right now, most people tend to forget how to love who they really are. We’re all too preoccupied with so many things that we don’t even remember that it’s something we should be doing everyday aside from going to work or hanging out with friends. I agree with one of your readers that in order to be loved by others, you must first love yourself. Accepting who you truly are and considering your flaws as stepping stones for a better YOU would really make others accept who you are as well. This is just like the old saying “Smile and the whole world will smile back at you”.
Would also want to share with you and your readers an article I found online while searching about love — http://sn.im/w6s7q.