About Steven AitchisonI wrote this post for another blog and thought it would be great to share it with you here at CYT.
Your eyes can tell a lot about you and tell others even more simply by the way you use them. Eye communication is a great skill to have and eye contact is a great tool to master. We all use it and we all give away vital clues as to what we are thinking with our eyes.
References are made to our eyes in everyday conversation such as ’she has bedroom eyes’, ‘don’t give me those puppy dog eyes’, ‘giving me the evil eye’ and many more such phrases.
If you can learn the skill of reading eye signals and mastering the art of using eye contact it can make a huge difference in your personal and business life.
The Pupils
Your pupils and the size of them will give away a lot of secrets, and it’s something we can’t do much about. The pupils will either constrict or dilate depending on our state of mind. If we are aroused by something, or someone, our pupils will dilate and if we are turned off by something or someone our pupils will constrict.
Skilled street traders across the world look for the size of the pupils when bartering with their customers. If a customer sees an object and their pupils are fully dilated, then the trader knows they can keep the price of the item at the higher end.
When we are excited by someone we like, our pupils will dilate, and when we are in the company of someone we don’t like, our pupils will constrict.
Take a look at these two photos. Which one do you prefer?
The first photo shows the pupils constricted and the second photo shows the pupils dilated. The one with the pupils dilated would normally be the one that people picked, as it is more seductive and deemed more attractive when the pupils are dilated.
Next time you are talking to someone pay attention to the size of their pupils, don’t go right up to their face and make a nuisance of yourself, but just casually watch the size of their pupils. This will tell you what excites them when they are talking, it might also tell you if they like you or not as we can rarely hide our emotions with our eyes.
Different Types of Eyes
Wandering Eyes
Have you ever noticed when you are talking to someone that their eyes are looking everywhere and not at you. This in itself is an obvious sign of distraction or boredom however, it also means that the person is looking for a way to get out of your space. Looking out a window when someone is talking to you could mean they would rather be outside.
If you do this, be careful of the signals you are giving to the other person, unless you specifically want them to know you don’t want to be with them.
The Angry Eyes
When we are angry our eyes become narrower, brows are furrowed and our pupils constrict. It’s quite easy to tell if someone is angry when they have all of the above. what if they don’t show the above body language signals? Well, we have to look for other body language clues such as constriction of the lips, flared nostrils, staring, clenching of the jaw etc.
When you are speaking to someone who is displaying signs of anger you can either back down or stand up for yourself, depending on what the situation warrants.
If you stand up for yourself you should be holding eye gaze and not break it. This shows the other person that you are not intimidated by them. If you are the one to break eye contact in a heated argument you have all but lost the argument.
The Seductive Eyes
It’s quite easy to tell if someone likes us by the size of their pupils. In a well lit room, if you are speaking to someone face to face you can see the size of the other
person pupils. If the eyes start to dilate they are interested in what you have to say or they find you attractive.
However, this is not so true in a darkened room like a nightclub as the size of our pupils will dilate to let more light in, in order to see better in the darkened room. So be careful to read the signals correctly before making a fool of yourself.
There are other ways to seduce someone with your eyes. The classic Lady Diana look with her head down and eyes looking up was one of the reasons so many people warmed to her. This type of look makes the observer feel more maternal or paternal and also brings out the protector in men which made Lady Di more attractive.
Your Gaze
When we are talking to our friends and in social situations, and are looking and talking with another person for some time we unconsciously gaze at the persons face in a controlled manner. However, if we have lost confidence or we are not yet socially adept we can lose this ability. Here is a quick guide on where to focus your gaze when talking to someone.
Social Gazing
When you are speaking in a social setting you don’t want to stare into someone’s eyes as this is a bit strange for someone to do, and a bit off-putting for the talker. To get over this, use a triangle approach. First look at one eye of the talker, then look at their mouth, briefly, and then move onto their other eye. This shows you are still interested in what they have to say as you have not looked away from their face.
The Flirty Gaze
When we flirt with each other the eyes still move in a triangular way but with more range, downwards. I know the women reading this will have experienced men who think you are talking from your breasts, which is quite disconcerting, and I’ll explain a possible reason for this, apart from the obvious. However, we all do it, men and women, only women are better at it.
It has been shown that when we are walking toward each other from a distance, men and women, automatically check each other from head to foot. First time to check the sex of the person and second time to check the sexiness of the person.
Men are more likely to get caught checking out a females body, rather than looking them in the eye, because they have less peripheral vision than women. Women can look you in the face but still look at your body because their peripheral vision is much better.
Our eyes contain two types of photo-receptors; rods and cones. Rods are responsible for scotopic vision, dark adapted vision. They also predominate the peripheral vision and women have more rods in their eyes than men do; hence why they have better peripheral vision and are better at seeing in the dark.
The Controlling Gaze
If you are looking to intimidate someone when you are talking to them, or are trying to control the conversation look at the area known as ‘the third eye’ which is the spot just between the eyebrows.
Many men do this to try and intimidate the people they are talking to and to try and control a conversation.
Can you tell if someone is lying with their eye movements?
Short answer to that is no. However, by looking at other body language signals and looking at their eyes you can get a good idea if someone is lying or not.
With the work of Bandler and Grinder and their excellent work on NLP we have an idea of how our eye movements relate to how we access information from the brain, which can help to tell is someone is lying or not.
Visual Accessing Cues
(VC
) Visual Construction : Looking up and to the left. The person is accessing information from their imagination and might possibly be making it up. For example, if you asked someone what their dream home would look like they would, more than likely, look up and to their left.
If someone is lying about something and making stories up they might be using this eye movement.
(VR) Visual Remembering : Looking up and to the right. This is when we are actually accessing a memory and picturing it in our heads. It is more than likely that this is a memory that actually happened. Ask your friend what they had for dinner yesterday and they will most likely look up and to the right.
(AC) Auditory Construction : Looking middle and to the left. This is where our eyes might go if we were constructing a sound in our mind. For example if you asked a friend to think of what their voice will sound like when they are 80 years old, they would more than likely look in this direction.
(AR) Auditory Remembering : Looking middle and to the right. This is where our eyes might go if you were remembering a sound that you have heard before. For example ask your friend what the sound of their partner sounds like and they will more than likely look in this direction.
(K) Kinesthetic :Looking down and to the left. This is the direction your eyes might go if you were accessing your actual feelings about something. For example, if you ask a friend about their feelings on the issues of capital punishment their eyes might go in this direction.
(AD) Auditory Digital : Looking down and to the right. This is the direction our eyes might go when we are talking to ourselves. We do this all the time and it is called self talk. Believe it or not we talk to ourselves a lot and we can learn a lot about ourselves by paying attention to our self talk, but that is for another article.
The information above represents the majority of people, but it may be different for some. However, it is still possible to work out a persons representational system by observing them when you ask them questions.
Using the information above should get you started on the road to being able to read people using their eyes as signals. Remember, as with all body language signals, that they should be read together and not separately.
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Oooooh, I love to read eye signals. The trick is to not interpret them alone though, but in relation with the context and other signals. A person talking to you might have dilated pupils because that person is in love with you, our because the room is quite dark
Hi Eduard, yep the eye signals have to be read in conjunction with other body language signals.
This was really interesting and useful. I am deaf and must lip-read, and I know that my gaze weirds out a lot of people. Ever come across anything related to that?
Meg – Minimalist Woman recently posted..Minimalism and How It’s Shaping My Life
Hi Meg, I haven’t come across this before, I’m guessing that you are looking at their lips pretty much the whole time when the other person is talking?
Sort of. I mean, I need to read the whole face to get everything I miss from vocal tone, such as mood, intent, etc. I like this post because maybe now I can figure out the other unspoken signals rather than just trying to figure out the words being said.
Meg – Minimalist Woman recently posted..Minimalism and How It’s Shaping My Life
Steven,
Very cool article. The eyes are such a powerful tool of nonverbal communication. There are certainly those people in my life who have that intimidating stare.
They really know how to use it to! There is also something truely amazing about the eyes and romance. Thanks for touching on the NLP stuff as well. That is very valuable in all contexts of life. Thanks!
Hey Joe, thanks for your comment. I’ve met a lot of people with that stare as well
Hi Steven,
This is so cool and I’m doing an all day training on communication soon and I can create an exercise for them to do with this info. You’re the best!
Tess The Bold Life recently posted..Life Lessons for My Younger Self
Hi Tess, thanks for your comments and I hope the training goes well, always happy to help
This is a fun topic, and I loved the pictures that you included! I learned a lot about the dilation, I didn’t know about the eyes dilating when excited and restricting when not.
Aside from that there really is so much that can be gathered about a person through their eyes. I know one person who makes everyone feel like the most important person in the world when she talks to them because of how attentive she is with her eyes during conversation. On the other hand there are other people who can make everyone feel unimportant because they are always looking around at other people when having a conversation.
Cultural differences would be an interesting study as well. I remember when I was participating in a service project in Mexico all of us women were told not to make eye contact with men on the streets because that would be viewed as sensual interest.
Stacy recently posted..Right Here- Right Now
Hi Stacy, there’s so much to learn about body language it quite amazing how much we communicate with our bodies and eyes.
I know of some cultural differences, and it would have been good to add a few examples here.
Steven, I really enjoyed this post. That pupil dilation relates to a person’s emotional state is fascinating. Did you know that pupil dilation is also related to levels of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine in the brain? This is the same brain chemical that is associated with the “fight or flight” response and alertness. Here’s more on pupils and emotions: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/you-illuminated/201007/beauty-is-in-the-eye
Hi Brian, I did read about that. The chemical reaction due to hormonal changes whilst in a state of arousal or deep interest is totally fascinating. thanks for the comment and the link Brian, I appreciate it.
Yeah, and that’s the reason I keep my eyes closed when I don’t want people to know more than they ought to. Eyes are windows to the mind, as someone says. And for people who’ve spectacles, you should make sure you keep your eyes healthy and wear clean glasses. You don’t want to look fizzy, do you?
Jaky Astik recently posted..The perfect way to end your weekend
Thanks for your comment Jaky. i guess it’s very important to keep those glasses clean
Steve: So true … and what is the use of having a poker face, if your eyes are revealing all of your real thoughts
The wandering eyes are one of the most distracting things ever and it seems to suggest that the person just has something better they really want to be doing. I do think we have to be careful about our eye contact and show people we are genuinely interested in what they are saying. I think though once we understand that our eyes really can clue people in and are another great way to communicate messages, we can make certain they work for us and not against us.
Hi Sibyl, once you become aware of how your eyes give away what you are thinking you become very self conscious, but once you’re over that it’s great to try and read other people from their eyes.
Eyes signals?I haven’t known about this. I want learn how to read them, thanks to you it will be much easier
Thanks for your comment, appreciate it.
So true Steven, our eyes are the gateway to our emotions. We see the world through our eyes and at the same time our eyes show others who we are at any particular moment.
Good stuff here,
Alex
Thanks for your comment Alex. It’s amazing what you can tell from someone’s eyes and being a coach it’s a great skill to master.
We were having a discussion in the pub on Saturday night about whether you could hit on someone just by looking at them (I know, I know but it was Saturday and involved wine!) My friends said it was impossible, unless it consisted of a man staring at boobs or bum, I said it was the easiest way, just with the eyes…..I’m forwarding them this post!
I find the direction people look in when asked a question fascinating, but it was one of those things I always forget to do, am going to make a concerted effort to notice this from now on. In a subtle way of course!
Kate recently posted..Want to Feel More Confident Just Pretend!
Hi Kate. Very interesting topics you have with your friends
. I think seduction starts with the eyes. you can pretty much tell if a stranger likes you or not just with a few glances so I would have to say you could ‘hit on someone just by looking at them’, I know I’ve done it in the past (my younger days of course 
)
This is very informative and amazing article. It definitely helps me in my work which I need to interact a lot with my clients.
Thanks for sharing, Steven.
Alex Yong recently posted..Angels in your Life
Hi Alex, I am glad this helps you out a little, it’s a great skill to have under your belt.
Just fascinating Steven!
Thank you.
Angela
Angela Artemis recently posted..How to Walk Through Walls
thanks Angela, appreciate your comment.
Great stuff, Steve. Indeed, the eyes never lie. I’ve found paying attention to the eyes to be a great advantage in business dealings. Especially when figuring out what kind of people you are partnering or working with. Focused people have a clarity and vibrancy in their eyes. Paying attention to the eyes is a fabulous way to get an accurate, instuitive impression of someone.
Hi Rob. Totally agree with you. I can pretty much tell if I am going to get along with someone from the moment we start talking just by looking at their eyes. great comment.
Thank you for this! So productive.
Thanks Nahl, appreciate it.
Hey Steve, congrats on an simple yet incredibly informative post. I always get the two mixed up, up left and up right and I genuinely thought it was the other way around. Thanks for the correction.
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice recently posted..How To Be A Rebel Personal Development Guru Without A Cause
Hi Amit, thanks for you comment. You’ve got me doubting myself now
Finally, a sensible article w/o reading all those “self-help” books! There are about 5 of us who are in a group who interact with others in various settings.
One person without question gets undivided attention from a waiter or from men walking into a room or any other place, when they are new to our group. We have long suspected it is what she does with her eyes, but among the four of us we cannot determine that she does anything different than others do when meeting new people. Yet she never is asked for dates! I will share this article with the other gals and maybe in continuing our “analysis” we can use this information to determine what is so attracting from a woman who does not physically stand out in any setting!
Hi Kaye. It could be something as simple as a longer glance in the direction of the men she is talking to. We men are very easy, we become interested in someone who pays us a little more attention
Hi Steven
” Eyes are the windows of the soul”
You can see so much in a person’s eyes – fear, pain, sadness, love. You also give away a great deal about your true feelings through your eyes.
Nice post. Thank you
Hi Marion, thank you for your comment, I believe the eyes indeed give away a lot of information about our feelings.
Wow Steve. This is a wonderful post. I thought I knew just about everything about eye positions and movements, but I learned something from this post. Im glad you went beyond just gazing positions. Thanks. Im going to re-read this a few times and commit it to memory.
Chris
Chris Akins recently posted..Free Deep Relaxation Meditation MP3
Thanks Chris, I take that as a huge compliment coming from someone like yourself.
Extraordinary post Steve; and you have put so much work into it. Thanks.
I’m not religious, but I am spiritual: and the thought that came up straight away for me as I read this post was where the prophet said: “If thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.” Something to that effect.
Here is a level of consideration that in some ways goes deeper than mere physical observation.
If our eye is “single”, in this sense, or if we meet someone whose “eye is single,” I believe this is what our experience will be.
We will come away from that person feeling somehow that we have been elevated in stature and we may not even really know why.
Something has rubbed off on us, though, and for a few minutes or perhaps a lifetime we bask in an invisible “glow.”
I remember this happened to me a long time ago when I was a young reporter in Victoria BC. I was sent to do a story about a couple who were sailing around the world. I was only with them for a couple of hours. But for two days at least afterwards I felt in a “higher” state. I was “high.” Their spirit or expression or character was of a high frequency … their “eye” was single, in my analogy.
Christopher Foster recently posted..Find serenity- find happiness — message of new ebook
Hi Chris. Thanks for your kind words. ‘Their eye being single’ I take that to mean that their full attention was on you? That’s a great way to look at it (no pun intended
)
Oh my this post is so awesome. I had no idea that we could tell so much through the person’s eyes. I guess it would be hard to hide my emotions from someone who could “read” someone else so well. I hope not too many people learn how to do this – LOL ( just kidding).
All the best,
Eren
Eren Mckay recently posted..Monkey Baby Shower Ideas
Thanks Eren. You’ve got a head start over everyone else
Very good Steven. Isn’t it true the 80-90% of communication is in the non-verbals? Eyes would certainly play a huge part in communication.
Colleen recently posted..Kennewick Homes
Hi Colleen, it is true that 10 – 15% of communication is verbal and the rest is non verbal so you’re right the eyes would play a large role in this.
yep it’s another language altogether
Extraordinary post Steve; and you have put so much work into it. Thanks.
SUPER interesting article! I take it you are a fan of the TV show “Lie to Me”. Not only was it interesting, but I now have some useful info to use when negotiating – love it! Thanks a million
Very informative and interesting post, Steven! Thanks a lot for sharing this!
Roman Soluk recently posted..How to understand yourself
Steven,
This is amazing information to share. I studied body language in college, as it is used in sales and persuasion, and eye contact was an area of extreme importance as you have displayed. Oddly, there are a lot of people who are unaware of how powerful of a tool understanding it really is. I think you have shed some light on a great benefit to improve our interactions with others. Thanks
Frank recently posted..You’re Happiness is a Priceless Gift
Hi apparently wandering eyes can also be caused by other factors as well such as
1) How confident an individual is
2) How threatening the other individual is perceived to be
3)Sometimes less eye contact is a way that people try to display dominance or ‘superiority’ over others (as can applying more eye contact!)
4)and by simply the way that people communicate best. For example some people are more auditory and so tend to spend less time watching you and more listening.
Another important distinction is are their eyes wandering or are they simply not giving much eye contact? This is a critical distinction to make!
Mark recently posted..The importance of energy
This is very informative and amazing article its very nice thanks.
I learned a lot about the eyes here Steve. I was especially intrigued by the way eyes dialate and constrict and how women tend to have a better peripheral vision than men. Very interesting. I will be sure to take this information and apply it in my social interactions!
Thanks for sharing!!