Many times in our daily lives, we face situations, where we should say “no” to a request. However, we find it to be a very difficult thing to do.

We are afraid to think what others are saying if we decline. We might also think that saying “no” will hurt our relationship with that other person – permanently.

In most of the cases, those fears are unnecessary. They are just our imagination and in reality, nothing scary will happen, if we turn a request down.

Why you should decline from a request

There are many reasons why you should decline to do something, if you are being asked to.

• Increased productivity
Saying “no” will increase your productivity, because you are not accepting any new work that would possibly distract you. Also, you are able to focus to your current tasks better, which ensures that they get done.

• Keep the deadlines
You are much more likely to keep your deadlines if you say “no”.

For example, if you are about to deliver some work to a client, you want to keep the agreed deadlines. Saying “yes” to an external request might potentially increase your workload so much, that you don’t have enough capability of handling all the work in time.

• You are in control of your life
If you have difficulties of saying “no”, then in the worst case others may take advantage of your kindness.

However, if you decide to say “no”, you are in control your life – not others. You decide what task to accept, what meetings to attend or what activities to participate on your free-time.

• You are true to your core values
We all have core values that we live our life by. For example, honesty is one of those values that is very important for me. That’s why I would find difficult to commit to an activity, which requires me to lie.

Your inner voice will most likely advice you to say “no”, whenever your values are going to be violated.

• Less stress
Closely related to productivity, saying “no” is also one way of decreasing your stress levels. When you are not overloaded with work and tight schedules, you have much less stress to handle.

That in turn affects positively to your well-being and happiness.

The right way to decline

Now that you learned about the benefits of saying “no”, you should also understand the different ways of saying “no” the right way.

These are the ways I have used myself. Although I’m not saying that declining becomes effortless by applying these tips, it still becomes easier.

1. Evaluate the situation
When someone comes to you and asks you to do something, you have to evaluate the situation first.

Obviously, if the situation is critical and the other person is depending on your help (for example in a traffic accident), then it is natural to answer “yes”.

However, in normal, everyday situations the request is most likely much less severe (your colleague asks you to come for a drink after work), so you have both the options “yes” and “no” at your disposal.

Also, you most likely have more time to come up with a justification why you are going to say “no”.

2. Be discreet, but firm
I tend to start my “no” answer in the form of “Unfortunately I’m unable to …” and then follow with the justification, why I’m not able to fulfill the request.

The main point here is to say “no” in a polite, but firm manner. Some people are very rude in their replies when they decline and that kind of behavior leaves me cold every time.

Although in those cases the message (denial) comes very clear, I still prefer the softer and more polite way of saying things.

3. Say your opinion clearly enough
Truly mean what you say. Your answer should be a definite “no”, not a “maybe”. Don’t leave other people wondering what you mean by your answer.

Say your answer in a clear and loud enough manner, so that the other person understands your point at once.

4. Be honest
When you say “no”, be honest with your reasonings. Don’t make up reasons why you are not willing to fulfill the request. When you are caught lying, it is embarrassing to yourself.

Also, if the other person happens to be your colleague or friend that you lied to, it will have negative consequences to your relationships.

5. Be selfish
This last point is perhaps the most important one when it comes to saying “no”. The thing is that

if the other person has a right to present you a request, you have the equal right to say “no” as an answer.

Also, you should also reflect your own situation to that request before you answer; Are you willing to fully commit to it, does it fit to your schedules and are you capable of handling the request in the first place.

Conclusion

I try to keep these tips and techniques as my guidelines when I evaluate a request – and when I decide to say “no”.

It is understandable, that saying “no” is not the easiest thing to do at times. But at the same time, if you are polite and honest, it is much easier this way.

However, this doesn’t mean that I’m saying “no” all the time. In fact, sometimes you have to say “yes” as an answer. This depends of course from the situation you are in.

By carefully evaluating the situation first before answering, is the right way to move on in that that scenario.

I wonder if you’re scratching your head or looking quizzically at that question. It might seem a bit of an oxymoron, after all if you’re in a relationship with someone then surely to heaven that’s personal, right? Wrong!

I only know that it must be wrong because I work in the field of relationships and it’s the very lack of trust and self belief that create the problems of being willing to be fully present in your own person. That’s what personal means doesn’t it?

You might be very willing to let someone come up close and personal physically, don’t we all? I wonder, though, just what you keep hidden away, safe from prying eyes. What fear or shame is it that you wouldn’t want to share with your partner? What desire, dream or longing do you keep to yourself so that you don’t upset the boat?

Relationships are often seen as the last thing to reach out for help with. It seems that it’s okay to seek guidance or input on careers, weight, health, fitness, beauty, etc. but your relationships – they’re just not in the same ball park. I’ve often pondered the reason for this, and think that at last, I’ve come up with an answer.

A relationship is not just yours. A relationship is a container, if you like… a place for two people to put their relating. It isn’t a stand-alone; it doesn’t exist without more than one of you. Therefore to address relationship issues requires both of you to look at it together. If you feel that you’re not getting out of your relationship what you want, then you would have to voice this to your partner, and that can be a scary thought. What might happen if you did that? You might have an argument, or they might choose to leave and therefore it’s better to put up with what you’ve got than raise any concerns.

The time that most folk are prepared to look at the part they play in their relationships is when they’re between partners. Why is this?

1. They have time to focus on themselves

2. They want to avoid the same mistakes again

I counter, however, that all good relationships start at home, and I don’t mean the house on the street you live in. I mean the relationship you have with you. Until you have a good relationship with yourself, and are willing to embrace all your foibles and the things you don’t like about yourself, you will live and love in fear of being found out.

You might remember the words from the Bible about the man who builds his house on a rock (Luke Ch 6 v 48-49) :

“He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

All personal development work supports you in building your own roots and foundations so that should any flood (drama, stress, outside influence) occur, you will know for sure that as a person you are safe, strong and able to weather any storms.

In your relationships, it’s doubly important that you have your own roots, like a tree. You grow together with your partner as a team, side by side. Neither taking the other’s light, nor relying on them completely for your happiness.

Relationships are great sources of fulfillment and as human beings, relationships give us our basic human needs of connection, love, certainty and significance. They also provide us with the very things, both positive and negative, which will help us grow and evolve. I have worked with too many people who gave their power away to someone else to believe that all relationships have a healthy balance.

You can address your relationship skills on your own to improve any relationship you are in – be it with a partner, family member, or work colleague. When you realize that each person in your life is there for a purpose and to teach you something, you start to look at relationships slightly differently and with gratitude.

Is it time now for you to do that?

Childhood Pain

Have you been holding onto childhood pain? Do you harbor deep-seeded resentment for the way your parents raised you? Do you blame them for the circumstances of your life today?

Obviously, not everyone has been blessed with a happy home – with patient, loving, attentive parents.

If you are one of the oh-so-many who harbor pent-up feelings toward mom or dad and those pent-up feelings affect you today, you are not alone. Nor are you condemned to a life plagued by the energy-sapping, happiness-stunting emotions of deep-seeded anger and resentment.

It’s time to let go and move on! And not because your parents necessarily deserve it – they may not! At all. But YOU do! You deserve to be free of such emotional poison. It’s time to let it go.

12 Ways to Let Go and Move on

Following, are specific steps you can take to unpack the baggage of blame and anger and resentment and, perhaps, begin to establish a new kind of relationship with your parents, or at least be able to let the past be buried in the past so that you can begin moving forward untethered to the pull of yesterday.

1. Redefine Your Relationship

Allow people to evolve and change. And remind yourself that parents are people too. Some parents were horrible at parenting but not so bad as friends to their adult children. So be it. Let that be the redefinition of your relationship. Try not to judge the current reality against the context of the past. Instead, try to accept things as they are today.

2. Be Grateful for the Blueprint of what NOT to do Raising Your Kids

We don’t come with owner’s manuals. And yet, we are far more complex than any piece of furniture or computer program we have ever had to put together or install.

We are also all-too-familiar with the problems that can arise with do-it-yourself projects. Pieces don’t fit. Installations fail. It’s at those moments we are glad there are trouble-shooting instructions or FAQ pages provided.

Well, guess what! Your parents’ mistakes are now effectively your trouble-shooting guide and FAQ page. “What happens if I scream and shout at my kids?” you might want to know. “Oh yeah, my parents did that to me. I know exactly what happens!”

3. Forgive Them for Being the Only Thing They Knew how to Be

Impatient, unkind and punitive parents aren’t impatient, unkind and punitive simply because you were unworthy of their patience, kindness or compassion. They were that way because they are impatient, unkind and punitive people. In other words, how you were treated is all about them, not you.

So, here’s the point I’m trying to make: All our parenting is done out of the context of who we are and what we know. Each one of us is limited in giving love by the limits to our capacity to love. Your parents were likewise limited. That understanding can lead to compassion which can lead to forgiveness.

4. Recognize They are likely Products of Their own Parents’ Mistakes and Flaws

We reap what we sow. And we also “reap” the traits that our parents “sowed” as they raised us. We are products of both parental successes and mistakes.

And while we can always learn and grow, most people seem to live on automatic pilot. So, most of us are something within a stones throw of our parents’ behaviors, attitudes and habits. Likewise, mom and dad are products of their parent’s parenting too. Forgive them of that.

5. Write it Down

Sometimes we bury our feelings where they fester and decay, and then begin to infect other parts of the psyche as well.

Sometimes, like the body expelling poisons, the soul also needs to vomit emotional toxins. Doing this on paper helps sort out feelings and make sense of things. There can be a cleansing quality to putting pain to paper too. Be as explicit and detailed as you can. Dump everything onto the page. It may take several days to get it all out. That’s okay; take the time.

When you’re done, read it as a solemn recognition of the past. Then light the thing on fire and burn it. Let its ashes float away on the wind or up the vent. As the smoke lifts, feel the emotional baggage float away with it. Feel it rise with the ashes and smoke and disappear and be gone.

And then be done with it. I would suggest this be a one-time expulsion of pent-up emotional poison. Doing this repeatedly can have the unhappy effect of amplifying, rather than muting, the past’s continuing influence as you keep swimming in that polluted pool.

6. Learn from Parental Strengths and Weaknesses

Your parents were not just your parents. They, like all of us, are complex beings with a mixed bag of character strengths and flaws. Perhaps you ended up on the receiving end of their flaws. But they are not likely without redeeming qualities as well. See that in them. And commit to learning from both their strengths and weaknesses. And be grateful for the life-lessons learned.

7. Read the Book, A Child Called It, then be Grateful

If you’ve read this autobiographical work by Dave Pelzer, you likely know your parents may not have been all that bad after all. Be thankful they at least had something going for them.

This idea is something reminiscent of the principle so powerfully reflected in the Persian proverb: “I wept because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” So too, we weep for having flawed parents until we read books like A Child Called It and see that at least ours had some “feet.”

8. Let the Work You do in Your Own Home be the Salve that Heals the Wounds in Your Heart

If you grew up without love, smother your children with it. If you grew up with family secrets, don’t have any. If you grew up with harsh criticism and ridicule and impatience, then be sure to compliment, love, and exercise patience with your children.

Let the example of decency and compassion you share with them be the focus of your emotional healing. But be sure not to commit the sin of overcompensation. Your role here is to love, not spoil.

In a sense, you will be parenting yourself with the love and compassion you wish your parents had shown you as you shower it on your own kids, in some way, making amends for what your parents failed to provide.

In other words, parent yourself vicariously through parenting your own children. Extend to them what your parents failed to extend to you and allow the love flowing from you to your children to heal the wounds from the lack of love flowing to you as a child.

9. Take Responsibility for Your Life

This can be a hard pill to swallow. Still, it’s important to stop blaming your parents for current problems. Did they lay the foundation for the problem? Perhaps. But it’s yours now. That’s the inescapable bottom line of it.

You make the decision every day to hold on or let go. That’s your decision only. Accept that as fact. Own it completely and release your parents from the responsibility you’ve pinned to their shoulders for too long.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I am not suggesting your past is your fault. I’m saying that your present is the result of choices you have made, as you have allowed your past to influence them.

This step is admittedly difficult, but it is empowering and liberating once it’s fully accepted and internalized.

I am who I choose to be. I feel what I choose to feel by choosing what thoughts I choose to harbor and how I choose to think about things. I choose to learn ways to change my thinking and interpretations of life or I choose not to. These are all my choices. And they are yours too.

Final word on this point: Your parents may be responsible for creating the emotional context. You are responsible for keeping that context alive. So stop feeding it and let it wither on the vine.

10. Talk to Them

Not out of rage or to guilt or shame them. Just talk. Be dispassionate. Simply ask them what in the world happened and why. Then listen. Let’s be clear, though, it may make things worse. But then again, it may lead to some kind of resolution.

Of course, you know your family dynamics; I don’t. So use good judgment as to whether this would be a viable step, but consider it. Depending on circumstances, a neutral location such as a restaurant might be a preferable place for “the talk.” But try to listen and question without judgment.

Remember, you’re not there to vent. You’re there to learn and understand and seek closure. Venting will put your parents in a defensive posture and will not likely meet your purpose for arranging the talk in the first place.

11. Stop Putting so Much Stock in How You were Raised

Instead of constantly peeling away the scabs of life to see how things are healing underneath, decide what you want out of life, what traits are required to obtain what you want, and then act. Work at overcoming emotional obstacles and other personal obstructions without worrying so much about where they came from. Just get on with the work of living well.

The past is the past. Let it die there, and stop unburying the dead and move on. Trying to drag the corpse of yesterday through life will make each moment of today a bit more difficult to manage. So find purpose and passion in life and move forward, looking back only long enough to learn from it.

12. Assume Good Intent

Assume the best motives behind what very well may have been the worst practices. But assume they did the best they knew how (similar to #3).

We sometimes have the habit of ascribing pure motives to our own flaws and evil intent to others. Instead, try being as magnanimous about their flaws as we hope others will be about our own. When we assume good motives behind misguided practices and weak wills, it is often easier to overlook and forgive their failures.

Afterthoughts

Sometimes out of a sense that justice must be served, or anger at the unfairness of how we were raised, we keep the pain and anger center court, at arm’s length, always in view. It’s time to stop. It’s time to grow. It’s time to forgive and let go and be free!

So, what do you think?

• Have you had success or failure trying to forgive mom or dad? Please share what you’ve learned.
• What could be added to this list to help overcome the pull of parental mistakes on your life today?
• We would LOVE to hear from you in the comments below!

Contrary to what you might believe, the brain is the largest and most sensitive organ in the body. (Sorry guys!) Keeping your brain fit and healthy has a far greater impact on your sex life than keeping your body fit and healthy (although that’s pretty important too).

If you want to have a great sex life, you need to pay attention to the way your brain works, the differences in the male and female brain, and the sexual power of the brain in between physical encounters.

Great sex doesn’t just happen in a brief physical connection. The brain is involved in setting the stage for great sex — fostering a way of life that stimulates you mentally before you are ever aroused physically.

When your brain is healthy, it helps you be kind, intimate, creative, thoughtful, loving, and committed with your partner. If your brain and thinking is dysfunctional, it can cause dysfunctional behaviors like distraction, impulsiveness, negativity, selfishness, or unfaithfulness. Clearly, these behaviors will undermine your chances for intimacy and love — and great sex.

Other brain issues can impact your sex life too, including depression, anxiety, ADHD, PMS, substance abuse, and personality disorders. Left untreated, these issues make it nearly impossible to have healthy love and sexual relationships. Emotional well-being begins in the brain and sometimes requires chemical or psychological intervention. Managing stress, finding life balance, and learning coping strategies, all will improve your sexual outlook.

The Male and Female Brain

Great sex also hinges on understanding and responding to the differences in the male and female brain. The brain is differently constructed in men and in women; it processes information in a different way, which results in different perceptions, priorities and behavior.

• The hypothalamus, the part of the brain responsive to sex hormones, is two and a half times larger in men than women. Men are programmed to be more responsive to sexual feelings. Plus, with lower overall activity in the brain, men are constantly looking for excitement and stimulation.

• Women have a larger corpus callosum, making them better at multi-tasking. (That’s why we can make a grocery list during sex.) Women have more overall brain activity and are always thinking, thinking, thinking. They also have language on both sides of the brain, and therefore can overwhelm men with words. Women also are much more sensitive to smells and touch.

• Men are always ready for excitement. With the lower activity levels in their brains, and higher testosterone levels, it takes little to get men going physically.

• Women have so much going on in their brains that they need to be soothed, courted and encouraged to be in the mood. Mental and physical foreplay are imperative.

• Men have significantly lower levels of oxytocin, the chemical of trust and bonding, than women have. For women, touch, talking, holding hands and kind looks will increase oxytocin. For men, an orgasm increases oxytocin up to 500%. So to bond and connect, men need sex and women need to talk and touch.

Take Preemptive Action For Great Sex

So how can you use this brain information to improve your sex life? Pay attention to these gender brain differences and use them to your sexual advantage. It will foster not only better sex, but also a more intimate, loving relationship in general.

Men, if you want more sex, talk and touch more. Show affection, kindness, and tenderness. Help increase the oxytocin in your partner’s brain.

Women, if you want more intimacy and connection, have more sex. An orgasm stimulates oxytocin production for your man, so give him plenty of them. His brain is wired for stimulation.

Create more sexual excitement in your relationship. Dopamine is the brain chemical involved in “chemistry” and those over-the-top feelings when you first fall in love. It is associated with excitement and motivation in the brain. Want to re-create those feelings? Do something new, edgy, even a bit forbidden to increase dopamine.

The way to sex is through her feet. The area of the brain that feels sexual arousal is right next to the area that feels the feet! Give each other foot rubs as a form of foreplay. Ever wonder why women love shoes so much?

Strengthen memory for frequent sex. Wake up your partner’s brain to you and make yourself unforgettable so that sex will be inevitable and often. Do something unexpected or unpredictable to please your partner. Stimulate their hippocampus (memory center) with photos, cards, songs, smells, and letters.

Get the blood flowing mentally and physically. Try an aphrodisiac that will increase blood flow to the brain and genitals. Asian ginseng 200mg, gingko biloba 6-120mg, and L-arginine 3,000 are ways to increase blood flow.

Try some sexy scents for arousal. Certain smells also are aphrodisiacs. For men, lavender, pumpkin pie, doughnut, black licorice, orange, cheese pizza, roast beef, and cinnamon can get him in the mood for more than food. For women, baby powder, cucumber, licorice, lavender, and pumpkin pie will do the trick.

Eat the right foods for sexual health. Almonds, chocolate, cheese, and avocados increase PEA (Phenylethylamine), a neurotransmitter chemical in the brain that causes you to fall madly in love with someone. It is a natural form of amphetamine that floods the regions of the brain involved in sexual excitement. Here are some other foods for great sex:

• Wild yams increase genital sensitivity.

• Oysters high in zinc helps produce testosterone and dopamine for stimulation.

• Garlic contains allicin which increases blood flow to the sexual organs.

• Figs high in amino acids increases the libido.

• Chili peppers have capsaicin which stimulates nerve endings and raises heart rate.

• Celery contains androsterone, a hormone in male sweat that arouses women.

• Bananas contain the bromelain enzyme, believed to improve male libido.

For most of us, great sex comes pretty naturally during the early stages of a relationship when dopamine is surging through our brains and the world is our oyster — or chocolate bar! However, when our relationships grow older, we really need to use our brains to maintain a healthy, happy, and exciting sex life.

Take the time to understand your partner’s brain and how it is different from yours. Accommodate those differences in your partner by offering them what they need for exciting sex and intimate connection. Take care of your mental and emotional health so that you can be fully available to give and respond to your partner. Use your imagination to create some excitement, novelty, and fun in your sex life. If you take care of your brain and keep it healthy, your body and your partner’s will thank you in the morning.

“Overweight petite body-builder” it started, which intrigued me right away. Not because I have any interest in body-building because, unless you count my morning toning sessions with a pair of 2kg dumb-bells, I have no interest in it at all. What intrigued me was the honesty, the brave sharing of her flaws, the obvious authenticity behind it and the contradictions in those three words. I wondered how an overweight person could be petite or a body builder and had to find out more.

Unlike most of the profiles on Twitter this one told the tale of a real person, an interesting person and a person with flaws just like me. Here was someone I could relate to. Someone who wasn’t afraid to be honest and admit her flaws but was also trying to improve herself.

Accepting yourself

In the past I’ve feared being judged and disliked because I’m too thin or fat, have a funny accent, am shy, work from home, have a messy house or just don’t fit in with most people. At some point you have to let go and accept that not everyone will like you no matter what you do or how much you try to fit in and that really it’s their loss.

For a long time I lived with that fear of judgement. In everything I did I was consciously worrying about what other people would think about it or trying to hide the truth about me from them.

That was mainly because I worked from and lived on an island in New Zealand with a reputation for being populated by weirdos and hippies but tried to keep it hidden from my prospective clients because I knew they’d never use my services if they found out I worked from home and where my home was. I also pretended to be happy, when I was depressed and pretended to be outgoing when I was shy.

In the end all this hiding who I really was made me unhappier than I had ever been before. The disconnect between what I was actually feeling and doing and the front I presented to the world made me feel stressed out and lonely.

When I realised the cause of my stress and loneliness I stopped doing it and started letting people see the real me. My confidence and self esteem grew and my happiness levels soared as I realised that it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was other peoples’ attitudes.

Some people are friendly,  open-minded and non-judgemental and some are not. People will accept you or not depending on their values not yours but the longer they know you and the more flaws they discover about you the more they’ll like you.

We all have flaws

Here’s an example. Reading the official line about celebrities or watching them be interviewed is boring. Their perfect hair, skin, clothes and well practised words can’t hold anyone’s attention for long. But, when people write about celebrity philandering (Tiger Woods), mental health problems (Britney Spears) or yo-yoing weight battles (Oprah) that’s when the celebs start to get interesting. When we realise stars aren’t the perfect individuals they seem to be in the movies and posters, that’s when we like them more.

We’re all contradictory and flawed but that’s what makes us interesting. To learn to love yourself you need to celebrate your contradictions and flaws, not hide them. Go on,  I dare you to try it and see what I mean. Intuitively you think admitting your flaws will turn people off you but actually it draws them in.

Oh and if you decide to check me out on Twitter, I apologise. My Twitter profile is deathly dull but I’m sure you won’t hold that against me, it’s just one of my many flaws and imperfections.

Personalities Are Fairly Fixed In Place

A basis for this concept comes from the idea that our personalities are fairly fixed in place.  From a young age, you can predict with fairly high accuracy the skills that a child will have 20 years later, as well as where their deficiencies might be.  Life experiences do take their toll, but I’ve noticed that the quiet person in a group now tends to be the quiet person in a group 5 years later, and so on.  On the other hand, their success is much harder to determine, as they could make use of their skills in a way that is unexpected.

Work With What You Are Built With

If your mind is one that brainstorms well when you are pacing around, listening to classical music, and eating a fish sandwich, then that is what you want to work with.  Knowing that some genius in the 1800s would learn and process best when by sitting for 2 hours and meditating before doing brainstorming doesn’t mean it is the way for you.  It is worth trying if you are so inclined, but copying the pattern of another person, if it is not fitting for you, will be deleterious to your productivity.

Notice Trends In Each Person’s Behavior

This same concept applies to how you view others.  If you see someone responding in a common way each time, or regularly tearing you down, or maintaining an exercise routine for many years, you want to realize that that is a very accurate indicator of what you can expect from them in the near, and possibly far-off, future.  Don’t expect that someone else will adapt to what your ideal of them is as time progresses, because in the same way that history repeats itself, past actions and behaviors that affected you from a certain person are very likely to show up again, if not exactly, in a slightly altered way.

Tomorrow Will Be Like Today If No Change Is Made

The call to action from that point is to examine those you know, and see who it is that you have been hoping would understand you a certain way, or work with you a certain way, and take your idealistic glasses off to see if there is actual change taking place.  A co-worker who puts you down in some way every morning is not likely to quit that behavior until you realize the trend and respond in a way that makes a put-down from them to you not beneficial in their own mind.  It may also do you well to write down a description of how others frustrated you today, and then check on what you wrote today a week or two from now.  The similarity is likely to surprise you.

Knowing that oranges can’t be used to make lemonade, and that what you have seen from others is a good indicator of what you can expect more of, provides you with understanding that reduces frustration, and leads you to find those lemons to make your lemonade.

Whilst I am not a woman I have worked with women most of my working life, in a big call centre office (the truth really comes out in an office!), I have two sisters, my current place of work is predominantly women and I am married to a woman who knows what she wants.  So I have done a lot of asking, a lot of research and have come up with 12 qualities a woman looks for in a man.

12 Qualities a woman looks for in a man

(In no particular order)

1. Honesty – This is high up on the list and is a must for guys.  When I say honest I mean being honest about everything.  If your partner asks you ‘Do you like my hair’ a response could be ‘I like it but I preferred it when it was longer.’  When you are honest about everything you will get a reputation for being honest and you will get more respect and gain trust a lot quicker.  If you are found out with one lie then the trust will dissappear and it will be hard to gain back.
2. To be able to protect – According to the women I have spoken with they want to know their partner will be able to protect them physically in times of danger or trouble.  That’s not to say women are weak it’s a security thing and knowing that their partner is capable or willing to protect them at all costs gives women a little more peace of mind.
3. Get up and go – Women don’t like men who have no motivation to do anything with their lives.  They want a man who has passion and has goals in life and has got the motivation to follow their dreams.
4. Belief – Believe in your wife/girlfriend and support and encourage her in everything she does.
5. Sense of humour – This one obviously depends on each couple as everybody has a different sense of humour but women like men who can make them laugh.  That’s not to say you have to be like Robin Williams, just someone who has a sense of humour and exercises it often.
6. Reliability – This is another one high up on the list.  You’ve got to be reliable if you want your partner to stick with you for the long term.  If she has an evening meal planned for you and you promised you’ll be home by 7 and you come strolling in at 8, this is not being reliable.  Yes, work is important but more important is the woman who loves you enough to prepare a meal and make an effort on a Friday night.
7. Commitment – An absolute must for any long term relationship.  If you are not committed then there will always be that little doubt in the back of her mind asking if you are really serious about the relationship.
8. Respect – There’s no question of this, if you disrespect her you may as well throw the relationship out of the window right now.  It’s not only respect for her but it’s respect for yourself as well.  If you let people walk all over you then you are not respecting yourself and this is a turn off for women.
9. Attuned to feelings – For the old fashioned man out there one of the main things you were missing was the ability to stay in tune with your partners feelings.  If you are attuned to your partner’s feelings then it shows respect, caring and love.  That doesn’t mean to say you let them walk all over you it just means you are in touch with her, and you know how to handle the emotions, upsets and excitement etc.
10. Attractiveness – This is something you are born with and it’s also something that is very subjective.  Everyone has an attractive feature about them and rest assured someone will be attracted to you because of it.  However if you let yourself go and don’t really care about yourself, you’ll be dropped like a hot potato.
11. Assertiveness – Woman can stand up for themselves very well but they still like a man to be assertive as well.  Women don’t like weak men, so grow a pair and stand up for yourself and your wife.
12. Faithful – Shouldn’t even have to be said here, but so many men think they can get away with being unfaithful and it not affect them.  You will never be respected once you’ve been unfaithful and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

Well, when I went to pick him up, I was all excited and asked:

‘Well, how did it go?’

‘It was okay’ he said smiling, knowing I wanted to hear all about it. I eventually got some blood from the stone and he told me about it in dribs and drabs, however he seemed to enjoy it and has made a few friends already which is always good.

My other son, who is in his 3rd year at high school is exactly the same and sometimes I can’t even get blood from that stone. I advised them that we have spent weeks worrying and feeling anxious for them and all we ask in return is a little information about their day at school. So I advise them to give a little more and not have my wife beat the hell out of them just to get a little info. My wife duly comes home, practically running in to see how they got on at school and thankfully they were a little more open.

I guess it’s just boys being boys, I remember being exactly the same and always wondered why my mum was so interested in my school activities. My niece, on the other hand, talks at 100 miles per hour and talks for hours.

here’s a few tips I have learned over the years about communicating with children:

37 Ways to communicate better with your children

1. Always be interested in their day, even if they don’t want to tell you anything.
2. Pay attention to them and make them feel as if they are the only person in the room when they speak to you.
3. Make time to sit down with them in a relaxed manner to allow them to open up more.
4. Sit down for family meals (One of the best decisions we made was to always make it a rule to all sit round the dinner table together).
5. Keep eye contact to show you are listening.
6. Don’t dismiss the little things they tell you about.
7. Keep close to them when they are talking, don’t have a conversation whilst you are in the kitchen and they are in their room.
8. Show them you love them and always tell them you love them.
9. Tell them you believe in them often.
10. Children are not your friends and letting them off with the small things could lead to bigger problems in the future.
11. Always listen to their side of the story if there are any arguments or rows going on.
12. Praise them with every single thing they do well.
13. Be as open and honest as possible with them about EVERYTHING.
14. If you have more than 1 child make time so you can spend time alone together, even if it’s driving to the shops.
15. Read between the lines. Kids have a way of telling you something without directly telling you.
16. Don’t interrupt children when they are trying to tell you something.
17. Ask their opinion on something that’s important to you and them.
18. Tell them about your day and encourage discussion.
19. Give them a hug at least 200 times per day
20. Always say please and thank you when speaking to your kids, they will develop manners this way.
21. Encourage them to voice their opinion on the big family decisions, like buying a house, a car etc.
22. Tell them stories of when you were younger, kids always want to hear this.
23. Play games with them as much as possible.
24. Step into their world for a bit and get to learn what they like.
25. Become a child for a day and just have a toy fight, pillow fight, wrestle, and do the silly things that kids do.
26. Respect their privacy, always knock.
27. Give them unexpected presents.
28. Let let go up the down escalator
29. Let them have their own style and find it themselves.
30. be proud of them ,even when they didn’t quite make but tried their best.
31. Just hold them, that little bit longer than you normally would.
32. Let them find their own hobbies and encourage them in finding them.
33. Stand back to let them them make their own mistakes, they’ll grow a lot quicker.
34.Take them to where you grew up and tell them about it.
35. Forgive them as they forgive you.
36. Don’t make them wear a jacket if they don’t want to even when it’s raining.
37. Just love them for the little individuals they are, just love them!

Is there anything else you would add to this list, why not leave a comment below.

One of the quickest ways to find out who in your personal circle truly supports you is to put out loads of effort in activity that you are passionate about. Very little time will elapse before you find out who your prime supporters are, versus those who are relatively neutral, and those that will jealously try to discourage you.  It is advantageous for you to do this sooner than later, due to some of the various reasons discussed here:

Action Filters Out Inactive Individuals

If you’re looking at this from the perspective of wanting to filter out people who don’t have your interests in mind, few other methods are as efficient. Your passionate efforts serve as pressure on those you know, forcing them to show you if they are there behind you, or if they actually have been wanting you to run into hard times.  It is difficult for a person to not try to tear you down if they don’t want to see you succeed, and it is difficult for someone to not try to help if they want to see you succeed.  People tend to filter who they interact with at key points in their lives anyway, and taking action speeds up this process.

There Are Some People You Want To Hold Onto

One of the biggest benefits of this is that you will quickly find out who you shouldn’t take for granted. There are people that will temporarily put aside their priorities to help and uplift you, but you often don’t know where they are until you jump into being productive. These people may be currently sending you a signal or two to show that they are ready to be on your team, but they can’t act as your auxiliary support system until you set the foundation.  You don’t want to ignore what they are indirectly letting you know they are willing to assist you with, because they may get to a point where they label you as confused or unwilling to accept help, and you will then have missed a cooperative opportunity.

Your Supporters View Your Action As A Trigger

Someone can’t spread the good word about your musical creation abilities until you start routinely producing jazz songs. Your friend who wants to support your financial consulting business will hesitate to offer you a cheap lease price for his back office until he gets the feeling that you are looking to expand by adding another office location.  A classmate of yours can’t recommend you for an employment position to his boss until you give him examples of your current actions/skills to use as leverage.

Once you provide the signal that you are intently following your passion, silent supporters won’t feel like their effort to help will be a waste. To emphasize this point, think about a time when you helped someone and they didn’t show any sign of appreciation or response. You likely either responded in anger or acceptance by distancing yourself in some way from that person. Our pragmatic minds keep us from giving too much without seeing some sort of returned effort.

Your Energy Can Then Be Used With The Right People

The side effect of finding out which individuals are not on your side is that you can save the energy you would have put out trying to earn their support, and use it to engage with those who are in line with your pursuit. You have a limited amount of energy, so you don’t want to look back later wondering why you tried to develop a relationship with someone who didn’t have good intent for you and your future. That energy and time is there for you to build your success team.

In summary:

1. Take solid actions in your field of interest
2. Note who is not supportive of your actions and keep it in mind
3. Notice who jumps in to help you further your goals
4. Spend most of your energy with those who supported your efforts

Thousands of people every day are suffering in difficult situations through lack of assertiveness.  Most commonly the assertiveness problems tend to arise at work and with friends.  However, assertiveness issues creep up everywhere whether it be with friends, family, or work colleagues.

It’s okay saying to someone ‘stand up for yourself’ or ‘you should just say this to them…..’, but to someone who suffers from lack of assertiveness it’s not an easy thing to do and can fill people with dread at the thought of confronting someone with an issue they may have.

Bullies, whether at work or at home, prey on people who lack assertiveness and can traumatise the person they subject their bullying tactics on.  The bully is of course cowardly and lack the backbone to pick on people who they know will stand up to them.  Dealing with people who intimidate you or belittle you is empowering and can literally change your life, but how do you do it?

This guide will hopefully give you some tools to think about and implement when you feel you need to be assertive in situations.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself and to express how you feel when you feel it is necessary.

It includes:

• Being able to express your opinions and views without feeling self conscious
• Being able to say ‘no’ to people without feeling guilty about it.
• Being able to ask for what you want.
• Choosing how you live your life, without feeling guilty about it.
• Having the ability to take risks when you feel you want and need to.

If you feel any of the above are missing from your life then you may have difficulty asserting yourself and expressing yourself.

Some common beliefs about being assertive

A lot of the time you may fear being assertive by believing something will happen if you are assertive in situations.

Have you had any of these thoughts?

‘I can’t say no, they’ll think I am being selfish’

‘I don’t have the right to say how I feel’

‘I am their parent I have to do this for them.’

‘I don’t want to cause a scene at work.’

‘I don’t want the other person to be upset or angry with me.’

‘If I stand up for myself people won’t like me because of it.’

Do you recognise any of these thoughts? Read the article ‘7 Irrational thoughts….’ Which might help you deal with these types of thoughts.

Let me ask you something at this point.  Think of someone you admire, someone who can be assertive, not aggressive but assertive……..take a moment to really think about them.  How do people react to them? I can almost guarantee you that you think they are admired by everyone and everyone seems to like them and get on well with them and they seem to have more people relate to them better than anyone else…….but, before you jump on the thought ‘but they are better (fill in the blank here) than me’, it’s nothing to do with looks, intelligence, higher position, funnier or anything else, it’s to do with their ability to stand up for themselves at the right time and to know when to apologise and take responsibility at the right time.  They may not necessarily stand out in the crowd but they are admired and respected for their opinions.

Now think of someone who is aggressive, someone who others say ‘oh you don’t want to mess with them’ or ‘they are too in your face’.  These people are respected by some people and hated by others, the ones who respect them are more than likely aggressive themselves.  Those who hate them or dislike them tend to stay out of their way and relate to them very poorly.

Now think of someone who is sheepish and says yes to everything, and doesn’t really speak up for themselves or lacks self confidence.  They tend to blend into the background and are often thought of as less significant than others.  This of course is a fault we humans have but it is sadly true that a lot of people think this way.  However this is not to say it is a bad thing to blend into the background if that is your choice but you can be assertive and still blend into the background.

Who would you most like to be like; the Aggressive one, the Assertive one or the Sheepish one?

Look at your problem areas

To change anything in your life you first have to recognise where the problem lies, I know I’ve said this a million times but it’s worth re-iterating.

Look at the times when you feel you really wanted to stand up for yourself but feel you couldn’t, or when you really wanted to say no but said yes, or didn’t say anything when the idiot at work made you look like a fool.

Where does it occur most often?

Are there certain people you have the most problems with?

Is it when you are in a crowd?

Is it harder giving compliments or critiscisms or are both difficult?

Answering all these questions will help you understand when and with whom the problems of assertiveness arise.  It could be that you don’t like talking to the opposite sex or feel intimidated, it could be you feel intimidated by people in authority.  Answering the questions above will help you see exactly where the problem lies.

After you have done the exercise above think about what you think might happen if you did assert yourself in the situations and with the people you thought about.

Rehearsal

My wife once told me she plans for almost all eventualities when she meets someone or feels a difficult situation arising, meaning she rehearses what would happen in certain situations and she thinks about her response to it before it has happened.  She has gotten so good at this over the years that it is second nature to her, I admire her enormously for her quick wit and assertiveness and seeing how people respond to her, it amazes me sometimes.  However I have practiced what I am teaching here and I practice everything in advance if I think a difficult situation might arise.  For example I was at a seminar a few days ago with around 70 people, all of whom were qualisfied doctors, academics, senior practitioners etc.  I was dying to ask the speaker a question about the topic and to clarify something but felt it might be a silly question.  I thought about it for a moment and thought if I am thinking of the question and I think it is important then I am going to ask.  I rehearsed within a few minutes exactly what I was going to say and my tone and hand gestures, waited for the right moment and asked my question and as silly as it sounds it felt very empowering. If I hadn’t asked the question I would have berated myself all day for not doing so.  This is being assertive, not being aggressive, a smart alec or whatever else it’s about knowing you have the right to ask a question or to stand up for yourself.

So practice different scenarios in your head about being assertive.  If you have not done this before it might take you some time but believe me when you practice it all the time it becomes second nature and you will find you just do it when you need to.  However, initially to get you going just practice in your head.

Here are some tips once you have practiced them in your head and time to put them into practice:

• Keep it straight to the point and don’t over complicate it.
• Be polite but firm with the person.
• Take everything the other person says and let it wash over you and remain calm.
• Look at the other person in the eye, but don’t stare at them, (a tip I use is to look at the left eye, then the right and then the mouth)
• Don’t apologise if it’s not necessary

You may feel nervous going into a situation whereby you know you are going to have to assert yourself, this is natural and everybody goes through this and I mean everybody.

Pointing out someone’s behaviour

Something I use which is quite effective is stating what the other person is doing which is making me upset for whatever reason, for example:

‘Why are you raising your voice and pointing in my face.’ The question stops them in their track for a moment and makes them lose their train of thought and to think about their actions, as some people genuinely don’t realise how aggressive they are being.  Pointing it out to them is a good way for you to take control of the situation.

Using ‘I’ statements

Instead of getting angry at someone for their behaviour and keeping it inside use the ‘I’ statement to let them know what you are thinking, for example:

I feel you are being very aggressive toward me.

I get upset when you start shouting at me.

This tells the other person your thoughts on the situation rather than let them take control without any feedback which can often fuel their disruptive behaviour.

Repeating your thoughts on the subject

You might not use this very often but it is still a good way to be assertive and get your point across, for example:

You: ‘These jeans are torn, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘It’s only a small tear, I can give you a discount’

You: ‘No thanks, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘Well I could replace them for you?’

You: ‘No thanks, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘Okay, I’ll just refund the money for you.’

Asserting yourself appropriately

I have seen a lot of people being very shy and demure and blossom into assertive people which is great however just because you have found this new power to be assertive doesn’t mean to say you have to use it at every opportunity.  Know when to pick your battles and know when to let it wash over you.

I hope you have found this useful and it would be great to hear your thoughts on it.

Other articles you might find interesting:

6 Ways to dramatically improve your eye contact skills

7 Irrational thoughts that disrupt your life

How to stop worrying and why

8 Destructive thinking patterns and how to change them

Being more couragious

Body language

Dealing with confrontation