It is said that if life hands you something of value like lemons, you should then create what is possible from that value given to you, like by making lemonade.  What is often ignored in this message is that you can’t go and make orange juice if you are handed lemons.  What this relates to in your ability to make use of your strengths is that you have a certain set structure your body and mind have adapted to, and it makes no sense to try and take on the form of someone else who is successful.  This is because they are making orange juice with the oranges life gave them, and you are trying to make orange juice from the lemons life gave you.

Personalities Are Fairly Fixed In Place

A basis for this concept comes from the idea that our personalities are fairly fixed in place.  From a young age, you can predict with fairly high accuracy the skills that a child will have 20 years later, as well as where their deficiencies might be.  Life experiences do take their toll, but I’ve noticed that the quiet person in a group now tends to be the quiet person in a group 5 years later, and so on.  On the other hand, their success is much harder to determine, as they could make use of their skills in a way that is unexpected.

Work With What You Are Built With

If your mind is one that brainstorms well when you are pacing around, listening to classical music, and eating a fish sandwich, then that is what you want to work with.  Knowing that some genius in the 1800s would learn and process best when by sitting for 2 hours and meditating before doing brainstorming doesn’t mean it is the way for you.  It is worth trying if you are so inclined, but copying the pattern of another person, if it is not fitting for you, will be deleterious to your productivity.

Notice Trends In Each Person’s Behavior

This same concept applies to how you view others.  If you see someone responding in a common way each time, or regularly tearing you down, or maintaining an exercise routine for many years, you want to realize that that is a very accurate indicator of what you can expect from them in the near, and possibly far-off, future.  Don’t expect that someone else will adapt to what your ideal of them is as time progresses, because in the same way that history repeats itself, past actions and behaviors that affected you from a certain person are very likely to show up again, if not exactly, in a slightly altered way.

Tomorrow Will Be Like Today If No Change Is Made

The call to action from that point is to examine those you know, and see who it is that you have been hoping would understand you a certain way, or work with you a certain way, and take your idealistic glasses off to see if there is actual change taking place.  A co-worker who puts you down in some way every morning is not likely to quit that behavior until you realize the trend and respond in a way that makes a put-down from them to you not beneficial in their own mind.  It may also do you well to write down a description of how others frustrated you today, and then check on what you wrote today a week or two from now.  The similarity is likely to surprise you.

Knowing that oranges can’t be used to make lemonade, and that what you have seen from others is a good indicator of what you can expect more of, provides you with understanding that reduces frustration, and leads you to find those lemons to make your lemonade.

We all have good qualities and bad qualities, but are there universal qualities that  women look for in their partners?

Whilst I am not a woman I have worked with women most of my working life, in a big call centre office (the truth really comes out in an office!), I have two sisiters, my current place of work is predominantly women and I am married to a woman who knows what she wants.  So I have done a lot of asking, a lot of research and have come up with 12 qualities a woman looks for in a man.

12 Qualities a woman looks for in a man

(In no particular order)

1. Honesty – This is high up on the list and is a must for guys.  When I say honest I mean being honest about everything.  If your partner asks you ‘Do you like my hair’ a response could be ‘I like it but I preferred it when it was longer.’  When you are honest about everything you will get a reputation for being honest and you will get more respect and gain trust a lot quicker.  If you are found out with one lie then the trust will dissappear and it will be hard to gain back.
2. To be able to protect – According to the women I have spoken with they want to know their partner will be able to protect them physically in times of danger or trouble.  That’s not to say women are weak it’s a security thing and knowing that their partner is capable or willing to protect them at all costs gives women a little more peace of mind.
3. Get up and go – Women don’t like men who have no motivation to do anything with their lives.  They want a man who has passion and has goals in life and has got the motivation to follow their dreams.
4. Belief – Believe in your wife/girlfriend and support and encourage her in everything she does.
5. Sense of humour – This one obviously depends on each couple as everybody has a different sense of humour but women like men who can make them laugh.  That’s not to say you have to be like Robin Williams, just someone who has a sense of humour and exercises it often.
6. Reliability – This is another one high up on the list.  You’ve got to be reliable if you want your partner to stick with you for the long term.  If she has an evening meal planned for you and you promised you’ll be home by 7 and you come strolling in at 8, this is not being reliable.  Yes, work is important but more important is the woman who loves you enough to prepare a meal and make an effort on a Friday night.
7. Commitment – An absolute must for any long term relationship.  If you are not committed then there will always be that little doubt in the back of her mind asking if you are really serious about the relationship.
8. Respect – There’s no question of this, if you disrespect her you may as well throw the relationship out of the window right now.  It’s not only respect for her but it’s respect for yourself as well.  If you let people walk all over you then you are not respecting yourself and this is a turn off for women.
9. Attuned to feelings – For the old fashioned man out there one of the main things you were missing was the ability to stay in tune with your partners feelings.  If you are attuned to your partner’s feelings then it shows respect, caring and love.  That doesn’t mean to say you let them walk all over you it just means you are in touch with her, and you know how to handle the emotions, upsets and excitement etc.
10. Attractiveness – This is something you are born with and it’s also something that is very subjective.  Everyone has an attractive feature about them and rest assured someone will be attracted to you because of it.  However if you let yourself go and don’t really care about yourself, you’ll be dropped like a hot potato.
11. Assertiveness – Woman can stand up for themselves very well but they still like a man to be assertive as well.  Women don’t like weak men, so grow a pair and stand up for yourself and your wife.
12. Faithful – Shouldn’t even have to be said here, but so many men think they can get away with being unfaithful and it not affect them.  You will never be respected once you’ve been unfaithful and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

How often have you asked your kids ‘How was school today?’ and the reply was ‘it was okay!’ and that’s it. My youngest son just started high school today and my wife and I have been nervous and anxious for him, although we’ve been careful not to show him this. I took a day off work so I could spend a little longer with him when dropping him off for school and then to pick him up again. It was heartbreaking to watch him go into school, ‘He’s all grown up.’ I thought with a little lump in my throat, It’s like time is slipping by and before we know it he’ll be a grown man.

Well, when I went to pick him up, I was all excited and asked:

‘Well, how did it go?’

‘It was okay’ he said smiling, knowing I wanted to hear all about it. I eventually got some blood from the stone and he told me about it in dribs and drabs, however he seemed to enjoy it and has made a few friends already which is always good.

My other son, who is in his 3rd year at high school is exactly the same and sometimes I can’t even get blood from that stone. I advised them that we have spent weeks worrying and feeling anxious for them and all we ask in return is a little information about their day at school. So I advise them to give a little more and not have my wife beat the hell out of them just to get a little info. My wife duly comes home, practically running in to see how they got on at school and thankfully they were a little more open.

I guess it’s just boys being boys, I remember being exactly the same and always wondered why my mum was so interested in my school activities. My niece, on the other hand, talks at 100 miles per hour and talks for hours.

here’s a few tips I have learned over the years about communicating with children:

37 Ways to communicate better with your children

1. Always be interested in their day, even if they don’t want to tell you anything.
2. Pay attention to them and make them feel as if they are the only person in the room when they speak to you.
3. Make time to sit down with them in a relaxed manner to allow them to open up more.
4. Sit down for family meals (One of the best decisions we made was to always make it a rule to all sit round the dinner table together).
5. Keep eye contact to show you are listening.
6. Don’t dismiss the little things they tell you about.
7. Keep close to them when they are talking, don’t have a conversation whilst you are in the kitchen and they are in their room.
8. Show them you love them and always tell them you love them.
9. Tell them you believe in them often.
10. Children are not your friends and letting them off with the small things could lead to bigger problems in the future.
11. Always listen to their side of the story if there are any arguments or rows going on.
12. Praise them with every single thing they do well.
13. Be as open and honest as possible with them about EVERYTHING.
14. If you have more than 1 child make time so you can spend time alone together, even if it’s driving to the shops.
15. Read between the lines. Kids have a way of telling you something without directly telling you.
16. Don’t interrupt children when they are trying to tell you something.
17. Ask their opinion on something that’s important to you and them.
18. Tell them about your day and encourage discussion.
19. Give them a hug at least 200 times per day
20. Always say please and thank you when speaking to your kids, they will develop manners this way.
21. Encourage them to voice their opinion on the big family decisions, like buying a house, a car etc.
22. Tell them stories of when you were younger, kids always want to hear this.
23. Play games with them as much as possible.
24. Step into their world for a bit and get to learn what they like.
25. Become a child for a day and just have a toy fight, pillow fight, wrestle, and do the silly things that kids do.
26. Respect their privacy, always knock.
27. Give them unexpected presents.
28. Let let go up the down escalator
29. Let them have their own style and find it themselves.
30. be proud of them ,even when they didn’t quite make but tried their best.
31. Just hold them, that little bit longer than you normally would.
32. Let them find their own hobbies and encourage them in finding them.
33. Stand back to let them them make their own mistakes, they’ll grow a lot quicker.
34.Take them to where you grew up and tell them about it.
35. Forgive them as they forgive you.
36. Don’t make them wear a jacket if they don’t want to even when it’s raining.
37. Just love them for the little individuals they are, just love them!

Is there anything else you would add to this list, why not leave a comment below.

Editors Note: This is a guest post from Armen Shirvanian from www.timelessinformation.com

One of the quickest ways to find out who in your personal circle truly supports you is to put out loads of effort in activity that you are passionate about. Very little time will elapse before you find out who your prime supporters are, versus those who are relatively neutral, and those that will jealously try to discourage you.  It is advantageous for you to do this sooner than later, due to some of the various reasons discussed here:

Action Filters Out Inactive Individuals

If you’re looking at this from the perspective of wanting to filter out people who don’t have your interests in mind, few other methods are as efficient. Your passionate efforts serve as pressure on those you know, forcing them to show you if they are there behind you, or if they actually have been wanting you to run into hard times.  It is difficult for a person to not try to tear you down if they don’t want to see you succeed, and it is difficult for someone to not try to help if they want to see you succeed.  People tend to filter who they interact with at key points in their lives anyway, and taking action speeds up this process.

There Are Some People You Want To Hold Onto

One of the biggest benefits of this is that you will quickly find out who you shouldn’t take for granted. There are people that will temporarily put aside their priorities to help and uplift you, but you often don’t know where they are until you jump into being productive. These people may be currently sending you a signal or two to show that they are ready to be on your team, but they can’t act as your auxiliary support system until you set the foundation.  You don’t want to ignore what they are indirectly letting you know they are willing to assist you with, because they may get to a point where they label you as confused or unwilling to accept help, and you will then have missed a cooperative opportunity.

Your Supporters View Your Action As A Trigger

Someone can’t spread the good word about your musical creation abilities until you start routinely producing jazz songs. Your friend who wants to support your financial consulting business will hesitate to offer you a cheap lease price for his back office until he gets the feeling that you are looking to expand by adding another office location.  A classmate of yours can’t recommend you for an employment position to his boss until you give him examples of your current actions/skills to use as leverage.

Once you provide the signal that you are intently following your passion, silent supporters won’t feel like their effort to help will be a waste. To emphasize this point, think about a time when you helped someone and they didn’t show any sign of appreciation or response. You likely either responded in anger or acceptance by distancing yourself in some way from that person. Our pragmatic minds keep us from giving too much without seeing some sort of returned effort.

Your Energy Can Then Be Used With The Right People

The side effect of finding out which individuals are not on your side is that you can save the energy you would have put out trying to earn their support, and use it to engage with those who are in line with your pursuit. You have a limited amount of energy, so you don’t want to look back later wondering why you tried to develop a relationship with someone who didn’t have good intent for you and your future. That energy and time is there for you to build your success team.

In summary:

1. Take solid actions in your field of interest
2. Note who is not supportive of your actions and keep it in mind
3. Notice who jumps in to help you further your goals
4. Spend most of your energy with those who supported your efforts

Thousands of people every day are suffering in difficult situations through lack of assertiveness.  Most commonly the assertiveness problems tend to arise at work and with friends.  However, assertiveness issues creep up everywhere whether it be with friends, family, or work colleagues.

It’s okay saying to someone ‘stand up for yourself’ or ‘you should just say this to them…..’, but to someone who suffers from lack of assertiveness it’s not an easy thing to do and can fill people with dread at the thought of confronting someone with an issue they may have.

Bullies, whether at work or at home, prey on people who lack assertiveness and can traumatise the person they subject their bullying tactics on.  The bully is of course cowardly and lack the backbone to pick on people who they know will stand up to them.  Dealing with people who intimidate you or belittle you is empowering and can literally change your life, but how do you do it?

This guide will hopefully give you some tools to think about and implement when you feel you need to be assertive in situations.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself and to express how you feel when you feel it is necessary.

It includes:

• Being able to express your opinions and views without feeling self conscious
• Being able to say ‘no’ to people without feeling guilty about it.
• Being able to ask for what you want.
• Choosing how you live your life, without feeling guilty about it.
• Having the ability to take risks when you feel you want and need to.

If you feel any of the above are missing from your life then you may have difficulty asserting yourself and expressing yourself.

Some common beliefs about being assertive

A lot of the time you may fear being assertive by believing something will happen if you are assertive in situations.

Have you had any of these thoughts?

‘I can’t say no, they’ll think I am being selfish’

‘I don’t have the right to say how I feel’

‘I am their parent I have to do this for them.’

‘I don’t want to cause a scene at work.’

‘I don’t want the other person to be upset or angry with me.’

‘If I stand up for myself people won’t like me because of it.’

Do you recognise any of these thoughts? Read the article ‘7 Irrational thoughts….’ Which might help you deal with these types of thoughts.

Let me ask you something at this point.  Think of someone you admire, someone who can be assertive, not aggressive but assertive……..take a moment to really think about them.  How do people react to them? I can almost guarantee you that you think they are admired by everyone and everyone seems to like them and get on well with them and they seem to have more people relate to them better than anyone else…….but, before you jump on the thought ‘but they are better (fill in the blank here) than me’, it’s nothing to do with looks, intelligence, higher position, funnier or anything else, it’s to do with their ability to stand up for themselves at the right time and to know when to apologise and take responsibility at the right time.  They may not necessarily stand out in the crowd but they are admired and respected for their opinions.

Now think of someone who is aggressive, someone who others say ‘oh you don’t want to mess with them’ or ‘they are too in your face’.  These people are respected by some people and hated by others, the ones who respect them are more than likely aggressive themselves.  Those who hate them or dislike them tend to stay out of their way and relate to them very poorly.

Now think of someone who is sheepish and says yes to everything, and doesn’t really speak up for themselves or lacks self confidence.  They tend to blend into the background and are often thought of as less significant than others.  This of course is a fault we humans have but it is sadly true that a lot of people think this way.  However this is not to say it is a bad thing to blend into the background if that is your choice but you can be assertive and still blend into the background.

Who would you most like to be like; the Aggressive one, the Assertive one or the Sheepish one?

Look at your problem areas

To change anything in your life you first have to recognise where the problem lies, I know I’ve said this a million times but it’s worth re-iterating.

Look at the times when you feel you really wanted to stand up for yourself but feel you couldn’t, or when you really wanted to say no but said yes, or didn’t say anything when the idiot at work made you look like a fool.

Where does it occur most often?

Are there certain people you have the most problems with?

Is it when you are in a crowd?

Is it harder giving compliments or critiscisms or are both difficult?

Answering all these questions will help you understand when and with whom the problems of assertiveness arise.  It could be that you don’t like talking to the opposite sex or feel intimidated, it could be you feel intimidated by people in authority.  Answering the questions above will help you see exactly where the problem lies.

After you have done the exercise above think about what you think might happen if you did assert yourself in the situations and with the people you thought about.

Rehearsal

My wife once told me she plans for almost all eventualities when she meets someone or feels a difficult situation arising, meaning she rehearses what would happen in certain situations and she thinks about her response to it before it has happened.  She has gotten so good at this over the years that it is second nature to her, I admire her enormously for her quick wit and assertiveness and seeing how people respond to her, it amazes me sometimes.  However I have practiced what I am teaching here and I practice everything in advance if I think a difficult situation might arise.  For example I was at a seminar a few days ago with around 70 people, all of whom were qualisfied doctors, academics, senior practitioners etc.  I was dying to ask the speaker a question about the topic and to clarify something but felt it might be a silly question.  I thought about it for a moment and thought if I am thinking of the question and I think it is important then I am going to ask.  I rehearsed within a few minutes exactly what I was going to say and my tone and hand gestures, waited for the right moment and asked my question and as silly as it sounds it felt very empowering. If I hadn’t asked the question I would have berated myself all day for not doing so.  This is being assertive, not being aggressive, a smart alec or whatever else it’s about knowing you have the right to ask a question or to stand up for yourself.

So practice different scenarios in your head about being assertive.  If you have not done this before it might take you some time but believe me when you practice it all the time it becomes second nature and you will find you just do it when you need to.  However, initially to get you going just practice in your head.

Here are some tips once you have practiced them in your head and time to put them into practice:

• Keep it straight to the point and don’t over complicate it.
• Be polite but firm with the person.
• Take everything the other person says and let it wash over you and remain calm.
• Look at the other person in the eye, but don’t stare at them, (a tip I use is to look at the left eye, then the right and then the mouth)
• Don’t apologise if it’s not necessary

You may feel nervous going into a situation whereby you know you are going to have to assert yourself, this is natural and everybody goes through this and I mean everybody.

Pointing out someone’s behaviour

Something I use which is quite effective is stating what the other person is doing which is making me upset for whatever reason, for example:

‘Why are you raising your voice and pointing in my face.’ The question stops them in their track for a moment and makes them lose their train of thought and to think about their actions, as some people genuinely don’t realise how aggressive they are being.  Pointing it out to them is a good way for you to take control of the situation.

Using ‘I’ statements

Instead of getting angry at someone for their behaviour and keeping it inside use the ‘I’ statement to let them know what you are thinking, for example:

I feel you are being very aggressive toward me.

I get upset when you start shouting at me.

This tells the other person your thoughts on the situation rather than let them take control without any feedback which can often fuel their disruptive behaviour.

Repeating your thoughts on the subject

You might not use this very often but it is still a good way to be assertive and get your point across, for example:

You: ‘These jeans are torn, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘It’s only a small tear, I can give you a discount’

You: ‘No thanks, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘Well I could replace them for you?’

You: ‘No thanks, I would like my money back please.’

Assistant: ‘Okay, I’ll just refund the money for you.’

Asserting yourself appropriately

I have seen a lot of people being very shy and demure and blossom into assertive people which is great however just because you have found this new power to be assertive doesn’t mean to say you have to use it at every opportunity.  Know when to pick your battles and know when to let it wash over you.

I hope you have found this useful and it would be great to hear your thoughts on it.

Other articles you might find interesting:

6 Ways to dramatically improve your eye contact skills

7 Irrational thoughts that disrupt your life

How to stop worrying and why

8 Destructive thinking patterns and how to change them

Being more couragious

Body language

Dealing with confrontation

The internet is a fantastic way for us to communicate, quickly and easily and is questionably responsible for changing our lives over the last 20 years. There is no doubt is can help us gain knowledge, communicate, bank, shop, sell, make money, be creative and to express ourselves. However, for every good there has to be a bad and the internet is the same. No matter how we interact as human beings there are still those among us who are evil at heart and prey on the innocent.

We have to think the unspeakable before we can protect our children and there is no better place to try and hide than behind a telephone line or satellite dish with hundreds of miles separating us.

I was at a talk at my son’s school the other night and I am still amazed at how many parents don’t know what their children get up to on their computers. It’s not because we are not concerned about our children it’s because of the technology, we are scared of it and don’t have the inclination to learn about it: ‘it’s for the young’. Tell me this; if you had to learn how to use computers and the internet to save your child’s life, would you do it? That’s how dangerous the internet could be, so it’s better to learn as much as you can.

Here are 10 ways to keep your child safe online

1. The most important thing to do is talk with your children about safety online and how important it is for them to talk with you about anything that happens whilst on the internet. It is important for your children to understand that you are trying to protect them and talk with them about some things that have happened in real life to other children and how you want to prevent this happening to them. Advise your children that you don’t want to invade in their privacy but you will be keeping tabs on what they do online from now on.
2. Make sure you are the administrator on the computer and create another user account for your children which you will have control over. This means your children will be restricted as to what they can view and download.
3. The first thing to do is put a filter on what your children can and can’t access online and what type of sites they can view. Windows Vista has a parental control built in however there is other software out there which can help to keep children safe online, the most popular is ‘Net Nanny ‘.
4. Learn what your children are learning. Get to know sites like Bebo, Facebook, MySpace, and create a profile on them to get to know them better.
5. Learn how to use MSN messenger, AOL Messenger, Google talk etc. Insist that your children record their conversations so you can scan them at a later date. This sounds very intrusive but I would much rather keep my children safe and have them think I am being a pain. Learn how to record conversations in these messenger services and check on them weekly. You don’t need to read every detail of the conversation, you are there t protect, not to spy. I have advised my children they can still talk how they normally talk on these messenger services and they will not get into trouble, within agreeable limits of course.
6. Keep your child’s computer in a communal area within the house. If locked in a room there are unscrupulous people who can get your child to do something that they don’t want to if they know they are alone in a bedroom.
7. Remember that older children are curious about sex and relationships and the internet can be a safe way to explore this. If you find inappropriate content on the computer and it is not illegal and disturbing don’t worry too much. Try and remember what you were like as a teenager and how curious you were.
8. Check the sites your children are visiting by clicking on Control + H whilst in the browser they usually use. This will give you an idea about their surfing habits.
9. It’s not so common these days but make sure if your children enter chat rooms that they do not stumble in over 18’s cat lines. Also advise your children not to chat in the private rooms available on these sites, especially with people they do not know.
10. Know who to report any abuse that may happen on the internet. The first port of call is obviously the police if it is serious enough. However there are websites you can go to report abuse:

Virtual Global Task Force
Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre
DFES funded Parent’s Centre on Bullying
Internet Watch Foundation

Other sites you might be interested in:
http://safekids.com/
http://www.getnetwise.org/gnwtv/
http://www.kidsmart.org.uk/
http://www.netfamilynews.org/
http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/usingcomputersandtheinternet/

This is the last and final part of the ‘How to make true friends’ series. You can see the links to the other six parts at the end of this article.

Be yourself

If you’ve read all the other parts of the series you will have a strategy for getting to know yourself and getting to know others. Now I want you to take all that knowledge, roll it into a little ball and then I want you to be yourself.

What does ‘Be yourself’ mean?

How many times have you heard someone say ‘Just be yourself’. You’re going for an interview and someone gives the sage advice ‘you’ll be great, just be yourself’ , after you’ve picked them up off the floor and apologised for smacking them in the mouth, you ask yourself ‘what does that mean?’
.
Being yourself means you are comfortable with who you are and you are confident enough to realise that not everyone will have the same opinion of you. You will not be at the stage of trying to impress everyone all of the time and you’ll know this is impossible anyway. You’ll know that what others think about you does not matter, and you will save so much time in your life by not worrying about what others are thinking about you.

We have all met these types of people before and they are instantly recognisable. They have a quiet confidence about them, they are not brash, not ‘in your face’ confident, not loud, just confident within themselves, not afraid to speak up and not afraid to voice their opinion when needed. That’s what being yourself means.
It’s a shame, but most people do not become confident within themselves until later on in life. That comes with all the realisations in life and that it really doesn’t matter what others do, say or think.

How to ‘be yourself’

Unfortunately you can’t learn to be yourself by reading this article but I can give you hints on developing yourself enough to really be yourself.

1. Know the person you want to be – List all the qualities that you really admire in people and develop those skills within yourself.
2. Be quiet for one whole day – For one whole day try and not to breathe a word to anybody. If you are on the phone all day this will be difficult but try not to speak to your colleagues. Watch how others are interacting with each other; watch how they react to you being quiet. You might feel uncomfortable at first but you will soon develop a silent confidence that it is you who is in control of you, and not others who are controlling you. This is a powerful exercise and it’s hard to describe here but I would urge you to try it.
3. Be honest – I mentioned this in part 3 of this series. Honesty is a powerful tool, yet it is not used enough. Be honest with yourself, really honest and you will learn a lot about yourself. Be honest with others and you will learn even more about yourself and others.
4. Dress the way you want to dress – ‘It’s not the clothes that wear the person it’s the person that wears the clothes’ If you like a particular style of clothing but have never had the courage to wear it, next time you are out, buy the clothes you like, wear them, and hold your head high. This all helps to assert your individuality.
5. Like yourself – It might sound a strange thing to say but I love my own company. I could spend days just being by myself and not be bored. I have developed this over time. If you are not comfortable with your own company how do you expect others to be comfortable with you? If you can, spend a few days alone and you will really learn a lot about yourself. I don’t mean sit and watch TV for 2 days, I mean go out shopping, go to a restaurant, go to the cinema, read a book.
6. Never gossip – If you’re a gossip, stop it right now. You are giving your power and energy away by gossiping about other people, no matter how much people listen to you when you have juicy gossip.
7. Create a set of principles and values – This is another powerful tool to learn. Think about a set of principles and values you would like to live by and start living them, e.g.

Never gossip
Always be honest but tactful
Family comes first
Always be on time
Be trustworthy
Be faithful
Hard working

These are obviously just a few and I am sure you have your own principles and values. However, a lot of people don’t know what principles and values they live by. So it is good to look at the type of life you wish to lead, look at the core values and develop your life around these.

If you have read all the other parts of this series you will notice a common thread among them all and that is know yourself and be comfortable with who you are. Until you really get to know yourself and know how you want to live your life, making friends might be difficult or you may make bad choices.

I really hope you have enjoyed this series, I enjoyed writing it. I will be making this into an eBook if you are interested in buying it. I will put it on my CYT Guides page in the next few weeks or so, however you can read it all here for free:

How to make true friends – Part 6 – Attracting the friends you want
How to make true friends – Part 5 – Get out of self deprecation mode
How to make true friends – part 4 – Body language
How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty
How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness
How to make true friends – part 1 – know yourself

How to make true friends – Part 6 – Attracting the friends you want

This is the 6th part of 7 in the how to make friends series. You can find the links to all the other parts of the series at the bottom of this article.

Attracting the friends, you want

To attract the type of friends you want you will have to know what type of friends you want to attract, makes sense doesn’t it.

Using the principles of manifestation you can attract to you the type of friends you want in your life.

Although it sounds like another airy-fairy law of attraction type of thing, I know this works as I have used it myself and have married my best friend, my wife. I used to imagine what she looked like, what type of personality she had, how she would react in certain situations etc I have also attracted business relationships this way, friendships, online acquaintances and even readers to my blog. I know it sounds sad thinking about the type of readers you want to read your blog, but I am a bit weird that way. ‘What’s really going to bake your noodle’ is would you be here if I didn’t think about you reading this blog.

How does it work?

This is quite simple. You think about the different attributes that you would like in a friend; honest, strong minded, fun, attractive or whatever it is you are looking for in a true friend. You imagine them and the different situations you would be in together and how they would react if different situations. You imagine feeling a strong bond with them and having a lasting friendship. Imagine yourselves together in years to come and how your friendship will evolve. You imagine going to their parties, meeting up with your future partners, going through difficult times with them.

You don’t go looking for friendships; your friends will come to you when the time is right.

Belief

There is one huge condition to you attracting your friends and potential partners and that is belief. Belief that it will happen when the time is right. This usually means getting rid of all your negative emotions such as feeling lonely, feeling jealousy, hate, depressed; all these feelings will hamper you in meeting your true friends or potential partner. Why is this? When you body and mind is riddled with negative emotions you are concentrating on yourself and your energy field will be low and not very expansive. When you have let go of negative emotions your energy field will be much more expansive and far-reaching, touching the lives of those you want to meet. Have you ever come across someone who just radiates energy and they seem to attract everyone around them? This will be because they have let go of their inhibitions and their negative emotions. These people are usually happy go lucky people and don’t really care what other people think about them and can take people as they are and see they positives in everyone. Don’t get me wrong you still get the people who attract everyone else around them due to their self confidence and yes they may be nasty or unkind but this type of person usually breaks down later on in their lives due to the masking of their negative feelings and emotions.

Does this sound like a lot of rubbish?

Of course it does, because for most of us we simply can’t believe in a world that is interconnected and we are all at this very moment touching each other’s energy. If you don’t believe it can work it won’t work. For some, like me, it took years to start believing in the power of thoughts and manifestation, but it has changed my life in immeasurable ways and I can only pass on what I believe. If you believe it’s a pile of cow dung, that’s great I respect your opinion. However, I would urge you to try it for a week or two and really try to believe in it before dismissing it.

How to make true friends – Part 5 – Get out of self deprication mode

How to make true friends – part 4 – Body language

How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty

How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness

How to make true friends – part 1 – know yourself

Other articles you may be interested in

Can attraction principles work to build your business? – Street smarts

Law of attraction carnival: Relationships and the law of attraction – Evolving Times

Improving relationships – the Ordinary Mystic

Can you save your relationships with the law of attraction – Today is that day

How to attract and create a happier love relationshipn – Very happy human

This is the 5th article in the ‘Making true friends series’, see the links at the bottom of this article for the other 4 parts of the series

The quickest way to lose potential friends is to put yourself down all the time. People who do this, no matter what’s going on in their lives, are very tiresome and drain everyone’s energy.

The self-deprecator

We’ve all been the victim of self-deprecation before. The times when we have lost our confidence in ourselves and used language that conveyed to others we were incapable of doing things. Now this is okay as we quickly recognised it or our friends, family and colleagues would ask us why we were putting ourselves down and hopefully we would get out of self-deprecation mode and regain our confidence.

For some people they have developed the art of self-deprecation and function very well. They draw people in and make people feel sorry for them, thereby offering help when someone is putting themselves down, this quickly becomes tiresome and the person who is helping all the time will start to avoid the person putting themselves down.

Self-deprecation can also be an indicator of some form of mental illness; severe depression, and stress. It can also be an indicator of some kind of trauma in someone’s life such as abuse, in the past and in the present. Many women who suffer from domestic abuse are prone to self-deprecation. Therefore, we as colleagues, friends and family have a duty to try to understand what is going on in someone’s life and help them through difficult times.

Dealing with the self deprecator

There are ways to deal with people who put themselves down all the time. Here are just a few things you can do:

• Point out to the person when they are using self deprecating language
• Ask if there is anything they want to talk about
• Point out their strengths
• Stop them from apologising all the time
• Never put them down in front of people

The cycle of self-doubt

If you constantly say to yourself you can’t do something, guess what, you won’t be able to do it. If you don’t do things you will sink further into the ‘can’t do’ attitude and try even less activities. The less you try to do the lower your self esteem will become. This is a vicious circle and is hard to break if not recognised.

Stopping the cycle and gaining confidence

If you are someone who puts yourself down all the time there are a few things you can do to try and stop the cycle and regain your self confidence

• Focus on your strengths and do more things around them
• Work on smaller goals which are achievable
• Do not compare yourself to someone else
• Think about your successes in life (everyone has success stories)
• Learn from someone you admire (Don’t compare, just learn i.e. how do they react in certain situations, how do they walk, how do they talk)
• Learn to talk positively to yourself
• Recognise the demons of self consciousness and stop them in their tracks by talking positively and remembering your successes
• Congratulate yourself often, even with small jobs
• Build your confidence slowly and learn from each success

A powerful way to change your beliefs

The way you speak to yourself internally will literally change your beliefs about yourself. If you constantly tell yourself you’re no good at something you are literally hypnotising yourself into believing that. Don’t underestimate the power of self talk.

Low self esteem and low self confidence can be debilitating but you can break the habit by changing the way you think and changing the way you speak. Stop the self deprecating talk and start to learn more about yourself and build on your successes.

Read the other parts of the ‘Making true friends’ series here:

How to make true friends – part 4 – Body language

How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty

How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness

How to make true friends – part 1 – know yourself

Other articles you might enjoy

Building self confidence – about.com

Seven powerful steps for self confidence – Simply Smart Tips

Improve your self confidence in 15 minutes – Out-side the box

How to stay confident in your decision to be a WAHM – Vineyar designs

10 ways to instantly build self confidence – Pick the Brain

25 killer actions to boost your self confidence – Zen habits

Read the other part of this series:

How to make true friends – part 1 – Know yourself

How to make true friends – part 2 – The pride of loneliness

How to make true friends – part 3 – The art of honesty

The components of Body language

We’ve all read about body language and seen TV programs about it. It’s one of the most important parts to communication we can master and there is an art to body language, both the receiving of body language and the giving out of body language.

Learning about body language can help when making friends and when wanting to help your overall interaction with others personally or in business or in the workplace.

You might not realise that body language has wide range of components. Here are the main categories:

• Kinesics (body language)
• Proxemics (proximity)
• Haptics
• Oculesics
• Chronemics
• Olfactics
• Vocalics
• Adornment
• Locomotion Walking, running, staggering, limping

Although body language skills can be learned to a degree it is extremely difficult to teach due to the nature of humans and the different shapes and sizes we come. However if we know the components of body language and have a rough idea of the structure we can become better body language communicators.
Obviously to look at each component and write about it would be a book in itself so I will give an example of each component and direct you to a useful website.

Kinesics: This is how we use our body to let others know how we are feeling. Some body language signals used are:

Shoulder shrug: The simple act of a shoulder shrug can tell someone a lot about you if you use this gesture a lot. It’s basically telling the other person that you are quite submissive, you’re telling them you don’t know something and sometimes you’re saying you don’t really care. It’s also a sign of resignation and possibly that you’ve given up on something.

You can read more about Kinesics here

Proxemics: This is the use of space to signal privacy or attraction to someone. There are four different types of space: social space, personal space, intimate space and public space.

When you are attracted to someone you will notice that you will stand closer to them and don’t mind them coming into your personal space. On the other hand if you are not attracted to someone your personal space becomes bigger and the person that enters that space will be given clues by you to back off or you will back off.

Be careful to read the signs correctly about personal space as it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing for you and the person you are with, if not read correctly.
You can read more about Proxemics here

Haptics: The use of touch to convey feelings. Have you ever had someone who touches you on the shoulder or the arm when they are talking to you? This is the use of Haptics to convey a sign or trust or attraction. Think about a time when you are chatting to someone and they touch your arm when they are telling you a story, this happens quite a lot in human interaction, but only with people who trust you or whom you trust.
This also happens when two people are attracted to each other and it is a way of touching the other person in a non-sexual way but still give the sign that you are interested in them.

Couples use haptics all the time to convey love for each other and of course to show love for each other.

You can read more about Haptics here

Oculesics: This is the use of eye contact to convey your feelings. We will use eye contact every day of our lives so it makes sense to learn the best ways to use your eyes to your advantage.

Certain situations demand different uses of the eyes. For example, if you are arguing it is seen as strong if you can hold your gaze. If you are deferring to someone it is better to lower your eyes, if you are loving someone, it is good to stare into the pool of the eyes.

Eye contact is one of the most important areas in non-verbal communication.

You can read more about Oculesics here

Chronemics: Use of time, waiting, pausing. I remember being obsessed with time when I was meeting someone for a date. My mantra was ‘If they are not on time for a date they are not that interested’. I used to wait for 15 minutes tops and would then leave. This is of course a bit silly, but it said a lot about me and it says a lot about the other person as well.

Your speed of speech is also a non-verbal indicator that you are in a hurry, or you don’t think people will listen long enough to let you speak slower. There are a lot of Chronemic indicators in body language and it is one I find the most interesting.

There are two types of people when it comes to chronemics, see if you can recognise yourself:

Monochronemic person: someone who does one job at a time, concentrates on the job at hand, adheres religiously to plans, emphasizes promptness, and is accustomed to short-term relationships.

Ploychronemic person: do many things at once, highly distracted and are subject to interruptions, change plans often and easily, have a strong tendency to build lifetime relationships.

Read more about Chronemics here

Olfactics: The use of smell to help us in our lives. We all know that smell is important when it comes to warning us of dangers, for example rotten food smells, which is a warning to us not to eat it.

Humans also use this knowledge of smell to attract a potential mate. This is why the perfume industry is still booming and also why ads portray deodorants in a sexual way.

Vocalics: Tone of voice, timbre, volume, speed. Another important aspect of human interaction especially for sales people, public speakers and politicians etc. Your voice gives a lot of clues about how you are feeling at any particular time.

If you speak to quickly it could be sign that you think that what you are saying is not worthy of being heard. Speaking too loudly is a sign of brashness and pomposity, speaking too softly is a sign of being too timid and lacking confidence. Your voice holds a lot of clue to the type of person you are.

Read more about Vocalics here

Adornment: What you wear and how you wear it. What you wear is another indication of your personality. One classic example is wearing something to distinguish you from another group, think about the mods and the rockers, or Goths, punks, teddy boys, skaters etc.

Your hairstyle is another part of adornment and the way you wear your hair says a lot about you.

Think about the phrase ‘First impressions last”, most people dress to impress when meeting someone for the first time or for going for an interview, this is part of the non verbal communication side of adornment.

Locomotion: Walking, running, staggering, limping. How do you walk when you are felling depressed or low? Shoulders hunched head down, walking slowly. Now think about how you walk when you are feeling bright and confident; head held high, chest out, walk quickly.

The way you walk tells a person a lot about you. I always walk in a confident way even if I am feeling low, it helps me to get into a better mood and feel more confident. When you are feeling weary trying walking as if you are confident and very happy, pretty soon you’ll be feeling more confident and happier.

Read more about Locomation here

As you can see I have only touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to body language. It is a fascinating subject and one I would recommend learning about. Most of us instinctively can read the signs of body language but we can always learn more and gain advantage when it comes to making friendships in all areas of our lives.