I had never been so afraid to leave the house before. Could I really step out the door like this?

Finally, I worked up the courage to turn the doorknob with the hand that was wearing a weight lifting glove, open the door, and step outside. This was it, no turning back now.

What was wrong with me? Why was I so afraid to go outside?

You see, I wasn’t always an agoraphobe. I was only terrified because of what I was wearing at the time.

I had on a stocking cap, a pair of coke bottle glasses I had from childhood, a red button-up collared shirt with a yellow T-shirt from a bachelor party on over it that proudly read, “Big Mistake” on it below a picture of two newlyweds. I wore a pair of grey shorts (it was winter at the time) held up by rainbow belt that somehow found its way into my wardrobe, one black dress shoe with a white sock, and one white tennis shoe with a black sock. And of course, the lone weight lifting glove on my right hand.

I was a fashion abomination.

What is it that drives an otherwise average guy to put on the most horribly mismatched clothes he could find in his closet and go for a walk on a cold winter evening?

Frankly, I was frustrated and fed up. I had always been shy and reserved. Everyone knew me as the quiet guy. I never spoke up at meetings at work, I had a hard time making friends, and I wasn’t exactly what you’d call a Don Juan with the ladies.

I was afraid of being the center of attention. It scared me to death. The thought that everyone;s eyes would be on me made my hands sweat and butterflies churn in my stomach.

And to be honest, this was the best idea I could think up. I figured if I could put myself in a situation where there was no way to back down and stay in my comfort zone, then surely I could overcome this fear.

As I walked down the street, I couldn’t help but feel very anxious. I saw a couple in front of me, headed my way. I fidgeted, trying to tuck my gloved hand into my pocket to hide it, only to realize that it revealed more of my bachelor party T-shirt. And, of course, there was no way to hide my mismatched shoes.

I braced myself and I walked past them, preparing for some kind of snide comment or snickering. But it didn’t come. They didn’t seem to pay any attention to me whatsoever.

I breathed a sigh of relief and marched on, turning to go up to a somewhat busy street filled with shops and bars.

Once I hit the main street, my anxiety was really screaming at me. “Go back home where it’s safe!” It told me. “Why are you doing this stupid thing? What if you run into someone you know?”

But I knew that if I was ever going to overcome my shyness and get used to stepping out of my comfort zone, I had to keep going.

I marched down the main street, walking by bars, restaurants, and coffee shops. I was worried that a passing stranger on the street, or a group of people having a smoke outside would see me as I walked by and say something. It was clear that I was drawing attention, but no one said anything.

It was at about this point, that a switch seemed to flip inside my mind. Suddenly, I wasn’t scared of this anymore. Instead, I felt… excited!

I actually wanted to get some kind of reaction of someone as I walked past them. I actually felt disappointed when I wouldn’t get any reaction at all. I purposefully crossed the street just to walk by more people at times, but still nothing. I couldn’t believe this, but I actually went from completely dreading being the center of attention to actually going out of my way to be it.

I finally returned home about an hour later after having a blast doing something that scared me to death not too long ago. Over the next few days, my fear was completely gone. I felt more compelled to speak up, push myself further, and pursue things that used to scare me.

That night, I realized that fear and excitement were actually the same feeling, we merely label one as a bad thing and the other as a good thing. You can easily transform fear by changing your perception of it (or apparently wearing a bunch of hideous clothes and going for a walk).

Have you ever done something crazy like this to break through a limiting belief (or am I just insane)?

Either way, if you ever see me walking down the street, I hope you stop and say “hi” no matter how strange my clothing might be.

Ever feel like your dreams are never going to become a reality?

It’s not like you’ve completely given up on your dreams. You occasionally think about how awesome it would be if you achieved them, but there are so many other things in the way.

Your job. Your boss. Your kids. Your parents. Your finances. Your mortgage.

All of these problems… I mean, responsibilities.

So you’re afraid of taking the leap of faith.

Afraid of what people will think if you quit your job.

Afraid of going bankrupt.

Afraid of falling behind in the rat race.

Afraid of not being able to provide for your family.

Afraid of not living up to the expectations of others.

Afraid of not living up to your own expectations.

Afraid of failing.

No one wants to be irresponsible, and everyone feels afraid sometimes. But does that mean it’s impossible to realize your dreams?

Of course not. The Michael Jordans, Steve Jobs’, Oprah Winfreys and Mark Zuckerbergs of the world show us that dreams can come true.

“But those people are so much more talented, so much more charismatic, so much luckier than me… I could never be like them,” you might be thinking.

It’s true—you might never be like them. Your dream might not be as big or impressive as theirs.

Your dream might just be to own a house. It might be to start a flower shop. It might be to write a novel. It might be to send your kids to college.

It’s not the size of your dream that matters. It’s the pursuit of your dream that turns your life into a thrilling adventure, an exhilarating story. That’s what really matters.

In this post, I’m not going to tell you about the huge changes you need to make in your life in order to achieve your dreams.

Instead, I’m going to share with you what you ought to stop doing. These are things we all do on occasion—things that quietly sabotage our dreams, sap our energy, and make us less alive.

Don’t do these things:

1. Say “I wish” or “I hope”: Whenever you do this, you put yourself in a mindset where the situation is beyond your control. What you can do as an alternative is turn your wishes and hopes into goals. For example, don’t say, “I wish my boss would give me flexible working hours.” Instead, set a goal that you’re going to have a conversation with your boss within the next three days about establishing flexible working hours. When you set goals, you choose to focus on what you can do to improve your circumstances, which is very empowering.
2. Complain: This is a favorite pastime for many people. There are always things to complain about: the weather, the economy, the healthcare system, the guy who sat next to you on the bus and hummed a really annoying song… but when you complain, you’re not making your circumstances any better. Instead of complaining, think about the many things you have to be grateful for. I recommend wearing a rubber band around your wrist. Whenever you’re about to complain, snap the rubber band as a reminder not to.
3. Blame others: If you want to achieve your dreams, you’re going to need to take full responsibility for your life. That means no blaming your parents, friends, relatives or bad luck for where you are in life. Recognize that some things are beyond your control, but take responsibility for the way every situation turns out.
4. Think of reasons why you shouldn’t take action: There will always be plenty of them. Think of all the positive things that might happen if you take action today.
5. Settle: Settling for second best is a sure way to prevent yourself from reaching your dreams. This applies to your relationships, finances, career and physical health. Decide that you’re going to create a masterpiece out of your life. Don’t give in to the allure of a comfortable but mediocre existence.
6. Procrastinate: You can probably think of at least one thing you can do immediately that will bring you closer to your dream. There’s never a perfect time to take action, so do what you can right now.
7. Hang out with toxic people: It’s been said that you’re the average of the five people you spend most of your time with. Hang out with negative, critical and judgmental people, and you’ll become just like them in no time. Those aren’t traits you associate with people who make their dreams come true.
8. Say “I should”: When you say you “should” learn a new language, start writing a book, or go for a public speaking course, it’s unlikely that you’ll actually do it. Say, “I choose to” instead. This makes you realize that everything in life is a choice. You really do have the power to choose, and to turn your dreams into reality.
9. Compare yourself to others: There will always be people out there who are better looking, smarter and more capable than you. But you’re not trying to achieve their dreams; you’re trying to achieve yours. Think about the characteristics that make you special and unique, and about how you can use them to accomplish your dream.
10. Watch so much TV: The same applies for going on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. If you’re not careful, these can become major time sucks. Most surveys show that the average American watches more than four hours of TV a day. I hope that statistic scares you. Imagine how much you closer you could get toward achieving your dream if you spent those four hours every day doing something more fruitful. I’m not suggesting that you go cold turkey, but set a daily limit for yourself and use a timer to make sure you stick to that limit.
11. Say “I don’t have time”: Do you make time to watch your favorite TV show? Do you make time to update your Facebook status? Do you make time to eat? We all make time for the things that are important to us. If you find yourself saying you “don’t have time” to do something you know you ought to, you need to reorder your priorities.
12. Say “yes” to everyone: Many people find it impossible to say “no” to requests and opportunities, even ones that aren’t in line with their values and goals. If you say “yes” to everyone, you’re effectively settling for good, when what you really want is great. The path of greatness is the path of intentional abandonment of everything good, in pursuit of only the best. Think carefully before agreeing to any request.
13. Try to be perfect: I’m not perfect, and neither are you. Accept yourself fully—achievements, strengths, weaknesses, failures, flaws and all. You don’t have to be perfect to realize your dreams, but you do need to be committed to personal growth. You can only begin that journey when you accept yourself completely for who you are
14. Try to please everyone: Like the saying goes, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” Your dreams are personal. You’re not pursuing them to garner applause from the people around you or from society. Don’t make the mistake of trying to make everyone happy, because that’s impossible. So don’t even try.
15. Deprive yourself of sleep: When you don’t feel your best, you’re more likely to make impulsive decisions that aren’t in your long-term interests. If you want to achieve your dreams, you’ll definitely have to make short-term sacrifices for long-term gain. If you’re sleep-deprived, you probably won’t have the willpower to make the right decision.

I haven’t achieved all of my dreams. Far from it, in fact.

I do know, however, that pursuing your dreams isn’t easy. Somewhere along the way, you’ll want to quit. You’ll want to run away. You’ll want to go back to your comfortable, familiar, boring life.

But I beg you not to. The world needs adventurers who are fully alive. Most people are barely surviving, barely making it through each day. Don’t be one of them.

Dream big. Start small. Act now—right now.

Many times in our daily lives, we face situations, where we should say “no” to a request. However, we find it to be a very difficult thing to do.

We are afraid to think what others are saying if we decline. We might also think that saying “no” will hurt our relationship with that other person – permanently.

In most of the cases, those fears are unnecessary. They are just our imagination and in reality, nothing scary will happen, if we turn a request down.

Why you should decline from a request

There are many reasons why you should decline to do something, if you are being asked to.

• Increased productivity
Saying “no” will increase your productivity, because you are not accepting any new work that would possibly distract you. Also, you are able to focus to your current tasks better, which ensures that they get done.

• Keep the deadlines
You are much more likely to keep your deadlines if you say “no”.

For example, if you are about to deliver some work to a client, you want to keep the agreed deadlines. Saying “yes” to an external request might potentially increase your workload so much, that you don’t have enough capability of handling all the work in time.

• You are in control of your life
If you have difficulties of saying “no”, then in the worst case others may take advantage of your kindness.

However, if you decide to say “no”, you are in control your life – not others. You decide what task to accept, what meetings to attend or what activities to participate on your free-time.

• You are true to your core values
We all have core values that we live our life by. For example, honesty is one of those values that is very important for me. That’s why I would find difficult to commit to an activity, which requires me to lie.

Your inner voice will most likely advice you to say “no”, whenever your values are going to be violated.

• Less stress
Closely related to productivity, saying “no” is also one way of decreasing your stress levels. When you are not overloaded with work and tight schedules, you have much less stress to handle.

That in turn affects positively to your well-being and happiness.

The right way to decline

Now that you learned about the benefits of saying “no”, you should also understand the different ways of saying “no” the right way.

These are the ways I have used myself. Although I’m not saying that declining becomes effortless by applying these tips, it still becomes easier.

1. Evaluate the situation
When someone comes to you and asks you to do something, you have to evaluate the situation first.

Obviously, if the situation is critical and the other person is depending on your help (for example in a traffic accident), then it is natural to answer “yes”.

However, in normal, everyday situations the request is most likely much less severe (your colleague asks you to come for a drink after work), so you have both the options “yes” and “no” at your disposal.

Also, you most likely have more time to come up with a justification why you are going to say “no”.

2. Be discreet, but firm
I tend to start my “no” answer in the form of “Unfortunately I’m unable to …” and then follow with the justification, why I’m not able to fulfill the request.

The main point here is to say “no” in a polite, but firm manner. Some people are very rude in their replies when they decline and that kind of behavior leaves me cold every time.

Although in those cases the message (denial) comes very clear, I still prefer the softer and more polite way of saying things.

3. Say your opinion clearly enough
Truly mean what you say. Your answer should be a definite “no”, not a “maybe”. Don’t leave other people wondering what you mean by your answer.

Say your answer in a clear and loud enough manner, so that the other person understands your point at once.

4. Be honest
When you say “no”, be honest with your reasonings. Don’t make up reasons why you are not willing to fulfill the request. When you are caught lying, it is embarrassing to yourself.

Also, if the other person happens to be your colleague or friend that you lied to, it will have negative consequences to your relationships.

5. Be selfish
This last point is perhaps the most important one when it comes to saying “no”. The thing is that

if the other person has a right to present you a request, you have the equal right to say “no” as an answer.

Also, you should also reflect your own situation to that request before you answer; Are you willing to fully commit to it, does it fit to your schedules and are you capable of handling the request in the first place.

Conclusion

I try to keep these tips and techniques as my guidelines when I evaluate a request – and when I decide to say “no”.

It is understandable, that saying “no” is not the easiest thing to do at times. But at the same time, if you are polite and honest, it is much easier this way.

However, this doesn’t mean that I’m saying “no” all the time. In fact, sometimes you have to say “yes” as an answer. This depends of course from the situation you are in.

By carefully evaluating the situation first before answering, is the right way to move on in that that scenario.

If you’d like to become a winner, you’re not alone. Winners are the icing on the cake of society, the cherry in the cocktail of life and overall just the coolest people on earth.

But what is a “winner”, actually? Is Bill Gates a winner? How about Mother Theresa? Or Gandhi? What about Vincent van Gogh, who hardly sold any paintings during his life time? Can you be declared a winner in retrospect? And who declares the winners in the first place?

Ah… hold on. I think we may finally have found the right question: Who declares the winners?

Is it God? Does he point his finger to draw a line between winners and losers? Or maybe it’s a highly regarded group of success gurus who make the decision? Do they publish a list of winners online? And do you have to buy their training course to earn your winner badge?

What about your friends? Surely, what they think of you must be right? But what if you find new friends who think differently?

The one with the right to judge you

Darn… this is getting complicated. We might actually have to stop asking questions and start facing the truth. You might have to accept the harsh reality that there’s only one single person who has all the power to decide whether you’re a winner or not. Someone who can determine your fate, who has the right to judge you and who can change your life with his or her thoughts alone.

It’s you, of course. Which really doesn’t make things any easier. I mean, what are you supposed to think of yourself? Who tells you what you should think? Is it God? Or maybe a group of highly regarded — ok, let’s not go through all that again.

The bottom line is this: It’s all on you. You’re the only one who gets to decide and nobody else has the power to “help” you with your decision.

By now, we realise that our starting question doesn’t quite fit. “Are you a winner?” isn’t really a question anyone can answer. Why don’t we replace it with “Do you feel like a winner?”. If you’re the only who gets a say in this anyway, then your feelings and thoughts are all that matters, aren’t they?

So, do you feel like a winner? I certainly do. Sometimes. At other times, I feel like a total failure: weak, vulnerable and helpless.

My guess is that you’re like me. I think that you try to think well of yourself, and often succeed — but not always.

How to feel like a winner

To help you feel like a winner more often, I’d like to show you a little exercise that has helped me personally a lot. In order to do so, I’ll build on the exercise that Douglas Cartwright has suggested for changing the way we look at problems.

Here’s what to do:

Step 1:

In writing, make a list of your successes in life. Start with your childhood. How you learned

to swim, or to ride a bike. Then work your way up to today. Your first kiss, your high-school

graduation. The first job. Your first promotion. You get the picture.

Steps 2 – 1,000,000:

From now on, every time you experience a new success, read through the whole list again. Then

add the new success to the list.

This activity shifts your thinking significantly. Instead of registering your successes as isolated events, your mind will start to interlink them.

As a result, you don’t just think “Wow, I’ve achieved a success” whenever you have a success-experience. Instead, you think “Wow, I’m a successful person” — a winner.

How complete is your life? Can you say that you are 100% satisfied with the direction that your life is going, with your relationships, your goals and your health?

Some people call this type of life completion “control,” others call it “inner peace” but I call it “life balance.” It really doesn’t matter what you call it, the only thing that matters is whether you have it.

So, do you feel in balance today?

Imagine your ordinary day. How does it start? How many things do you accomplish during the day? How do your relationships unveil during the day? Do you spend enough time with the people you love and care about? At the end of the day do you feel that you have completed everything to make this day great or do you feel that you have accomplished a lot but still are missing something?

If you get a warm and pleasant feeling inside when you answer these questions you know that your life is in balance. If your mind starts racing and focusing on all the things that you haven’t completed then you know that you need to work on your life balance. Why not start today?

I communicate with a lot of people and way too often their lives remind me of a carrot chase. All day long they are busy doing things, working on projects, going somewhere and yet at the end of the day they feel broken down and even further away from their happy living than they were in the morning. No matter how fast they go or how much effort they produce they can never catch the carrot that they are chasing because it’s attached to their backs. Do you get the picture?

I must admit, sometimes I feel that I get into that carrot chase myself. A big work project, sudden illness of my kids, extra help that I offer to my friends or just that ìperfectî combination of circumstances send my life tumbling down a hill with no chances of stopping before I reach rock bottom. In times like that I remind myself about the magic of life balance and stop to reclaim my daily peace.

Inner peace and balance come when you stop chasing that carrot and start enjoying your life. Let’s see how you can get rid of that carrot and stop sabotaging your happiness.

1. Become aware.A lot of times the carrot race is just a cover-up for inner emptiness or pain. Filling life with tasks won’t fill your life with meaning.Todayspend some time reflecting on your inner motives and priorities.How do your everyday tasks help you achieve your personal goals?What goals are truly important to you?The more insight you gain into yourself the easier it will be for you to find your balance.
2. Try “reverse” time management.Every day you probably focus on accomplishing certain tasks that you planned. At the beginning of the day you look or think about everything that has to be done and your brain almost freezes in silent panic. All day long you try to catch up on everything but something constantly interrupts you, you lose your focus and at the end of the day your list of tasks looks only longer.Todayfocus on how much time you can spend working. Plan 1-2 hour work blocks when you are 100% focused and nothing can get in your way. Work as a mad man or woman during those blocks but then let yourself rest. At the end of the day focus on how many productive work blocks you have had instead of how many tasks you have marked off your to do list.This little change in your thoughts will help you avoid procrastination, prevent “brain freeze” and let you have some time for the unexpected things that will come up during the day.
3. Listen to the people around you. Our relationships are a huge subject that can’t be tackled in just one paragraph. However, if I was (and I am) to give you advice that will improve any type of relationship then it would be “Listen to others.”So many times we tune out of the conversation with our loved ones to watch our favorite show, check messages on the smartphone or just think again about that work project.By depriving our loved ones of our attention we lose connection with them and stop understanding them.Today listen to the people around you. Don’t judge, don’t get offended, but rather try to use any comments that you hear for your personal growth.
4. Focus on your vitals first.Do you ever leave the house without brushing your teeth? Do you try to drive the car without first getting the keys? These little actions seem obvious, don’t they? Then why is that taking care of our vital needs isn’t as simple as that?What is vitally important to you in life? For me my kids, family, health and spirituality are vitals no matter how busy my day might be. Every day I make sure that I spend time with my kids, have at least one peaceful hour with my husband, do at least a little bit of exercise, eat healthy food and spend time praying. My entire day is focused around these vitals and whatever time I have left I spend on other goals and necessities.Today figure out what your vitals are and find a place for them in every day. Itís not as hard as it seems. Split your exercise into 10 minute blocks throughout the day. Fix healthy meals that take less than 30 minutes to prepare (easy vegetable stir fry, spaghetti with marinara sauce, grilled chicken breast on a bed of fresh lettuce are just a few ideas) and include your loved ones into your everyday activities (exercise by taking your kids or your partner on a walk, fix meals together, spend time playing games [no sorry, video games do not count] instead of watching TV.) Figure out what works for you and start by adding 10-15 minute blocks of your vital activities into every day.
5. Be flexible. Napoleon had a brilliant idea of strategic military planning which he summarized as ìYou engage, and then you wait and see.î By making contact with the enemy and then improvising, he triumphed and made his armies the envy or Europe.In a modern world the ability to improvise is a crucial component of balance. Instead of making daily to-do lists try to create a list of goals for a week or a month. This flexibility will let you have time for the unexpected surprises and ways to deal with them. And instead of always sticking to rigid plans and goals let yourself go with the flow sometimes.Today question your plans and goals and think of creative ways to work around any obstacles. Donít push through the walls all the time. See when itís better to use your strength to push a little harder and when itís best to avoid an obstacle that seems to be ruining your plans.
6. Live in positive reality.Our view of the world is just a perception. The difference between optimists and pessimists is not how many good events happen in their lives but what information they tend to focus on.Unfortunately our brain is hard-wired into focusing on negative events. Scientists call this phenomenon the “negativity bias.” After years of studies researchers have come to the conclusion that it takes about 5 positive events to overwrite one negative one.However, focusing on all things positive is not the best way out either. Too much positive thinking makes you ignore possible obstacles standing in your way which decreases your chances of success.Today focus on being a positive realist. Take things for what they really are instead of spending all your mental energy to find a positive reason why you are stuck in a traffic jam. To reinforce positive emotions in your life think about all the positive events that happened to you today. When setting goals think of any obstacles that can get in your way and create a plan to work around them.
7. Start living life at your own speed. Instead of focusing on the quality of our life we often focus on the speed of it. We have a bunch of goals with (most of the time) unreasonable deadlines. We don’t stop and think whether we picked good timing for something. We try to bust through the walls and achieve our goal no matter what without ever asking whether it was an important enough goal to work so hard for.Today take some time to slow down. I am not asking you to meditate or walk around the park marveling at every bug that you see on your way. Take a look at your current goals and schedule and see if you have picked the right timing for everything. We can accomplish pretty much anything we dream about in life but for every dream we have to pick the right time to bring it to life.Living in balance starts with changing your thoughts.Stop chasing that imaginary carrot and start focusing on living your life at your own speed, with your own goals and to your maximum potential.What actions do you take to bring your life in balance?

Images of dull, lazy people ran round my head, people who never get round to anything, people who have no sense of drive or ambition. Imagine. How awful.

This is not what I was expecting from this session and it certainly was not what I wanted to hear. Coaching sessions are about goal setting, surely. And this is the part of me I like, I thought, the best of part of me, the part that dreams big, the part that makes things happen. Why on earth would I want to let go of that?

Although at the back of my mind, I knew this is also the part of me that causes the stress: high expectations of myself, wanting everything done now and other lovely ‘Type A’ traits.

And I am a good student, so I forced myself to stay open-minded, to understand what letting go would actually mean – before I dismissed it as hippy nonsense.

‘It’s about not being attached to the outcome,’ Kelly continued. ‘It’s about being present and being happy whether you achieve your goals or not.’ My radar registered the word goals; I felt myself relax.

We wrapped up the session and off I went with my homework of letting go! Kelly had suggested watching The Peaceful Warrior as a starting point. At only £6 and 120 minutes, I decided I didn’t have much to lose. But I wasn’t expecting to gain much either. I love the world of personal development – I read loads of this stuff, as if this was going to throw up anything new (I know – the arrogance).

The Peaceful Warrior

I got myself comfy, looking forward to ticking done on my homework list. The film – based on the book Way of the Peaceful Warrior – is about a young, arrogant, talented gymnast, who gets good grades, all the hot girls and is training for the Olympics. But whilst on the outside Dan seems to have it all, inside this is not the case. He meets a mysterious stranger – who he refers to as Socrates – who ends up becoming his mentor, showing him a different way to live. This becomes even more challenging when Dan has a serious motor bike accident which threatens his whole way of life. But with the help of ‘Socrates’ he learns to let go of the person he thought he was and start living in a completely different way.

I got to the end of the film and wasn’t even sure if I’d got the key messages, surely they would be bigger I thought, surrounded by flashing comic book style lights or something, more obviously life changing.

Off I went thinking I’d enjoyed the afternoon and I would try to live in the moment a little more. Yada. Yada. Yada!

Oh how naive I was. I can’t believe how different life feels after what appears such a small and subtle change.

Living in the moment

I am making a conscious effort to live more in the moment, be present, enjoy the journey and not just focus on the destination, or whatever other personal development cliché you would like to throw into the mix.

And just like Dan continues to train as an Olympic athlete, I continue to work towards my goals: the relief, I haven’t turned into a lazy slob!

But I am definitely calmer and less stressed. If I feel worried about something in the future and I feel my mind starting to spiral, processing what ifs, running scenarios at an alarming pace, I bring myself back to the present moment; and I am more focused on enjoying the activity that I am doing, not just thinking about the result.

I have had some health challenges and been on a bumpy recovery journey in the last seven years (I am recovering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome); I am a ‘professional’ tester of therapies and techniques – physical, psychological and emotional. And I am always intrigued to see what works and what doesn’t. I’ll try anything (I even bought some crystals recently…) and sometimes it is the unexpected that has a huge impact. And I strongly believe that staying open to new ideas has been a fundamental part of my recovery.

Sometimes simple changes can have a huge impact

And as the wellness light shines brightly, beckoning me to leave the tunnel; as I continue to get stronger and enjoy the delicious feeling of being healthy, I am surprised something as simple as becoming – or at least moving towards being – a ‘Peaceful Warrior’ is one of the last pieces in my recovery jigsaw.

The biggest challenge for me is not being attached to the outcome of being 100% well, but rather to celebrate how far I have come and enjoy my life as it is now; it’s like the dieter who believes they will only be happy when they lose that last seven pounds. This isn’t about giving up the goals but about loving life anyway whether or not I achieve my goals.

I know it sounds simple writing it down and as with anything it takes work and practice. But if I as a self-confessed stress head can make headway on this, I am confident that anyone reading can.

So I leave you with this, my fellow personal development junkies: next time it is tempting to roll your eyes at a clichéd suggestion, take a step back and truly ask yourself whether there is anything there for you. When we are open, try something new, we just never know…and if that one isn’t for you maybe the next one is.

If you fancy joining me on my reinvention tour you can follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

My coaching sessions are with Kelly Oldershaw at Get Your Life Back from M.E.

The following are some examples of fiction that people regard as true:

“Things always go wrong.”  “He makes me so mad.” “I can’t change how I feel. “I’ll never love again.” “It’s all my fault.”  “I’m a loser.”

Notice the distorted thinking, and irrational words such as “always, never, “can’t” and the fortune telling in the phrase “I will never love again!” How can anyone predict the future with certainty?

Changing these distorted interpretations to stick to the facts looks like this:

“Things do not go the way I wished very often.”  “I was mad when he said that.” “It is hard to change the way I feel.” and “It might be hard to love again, but I will sure try.”  “I feel partly responsible.”  “I am just as worthy as everyone else.”

As a psychotherapist, I often find the more depressed and anxious a client is, the more they live in the land of fiction that they take as fact.  For example, just the other day I had a client tell me that her children are misbehaving so much, and she blames herself for her drug, alcohol and sexual promiscuity in her teens which she thinks resulted in her having such difficult children.  She felt she was being punished for her past, and was getting “paid back” for being a problem teen.  She felt this way despite the fact that at the ripe age of 45 she had been leading a law abiding life as a mother, wife, and school teacher for 20 years!    Her lack of self- forgiveness for her past regretful behavior loomed larger than life, even though those behaviors were of the distant past.  Yet, they still defined her as a person, and she became a person not defined by her dreams and aspirations, but rather her disappointments and her poor choices.

Separate Fact From Fiction Takeaways

• Many thoughts we treat as facts are really interpretations
• Many interpretations are so automatic we do not know they’re not fact
• Examine your thought habits so that you are aware of what is your “default” way of thinking – only then can you change them.
• As you can discern facts from your take on things, you will feel more positive and empowered
• Realize when you are just telling yourself stories!  Nothing is wrong with being a story teller – just know when you are!
• Stop upsetting yourself with nonsense that you believe to be true
• Stop over-catastrophizing and making mountains out of molehills
• Refuse to feel like a victim and feel more like a victor
• Be more solution focused and not problem focused

Activity for Your Separating Fact From fiction

Take a magnifying glass to remind you to be “thought detective” to look behind what you are thinking and identify distorted thinking that is fiction rather than fact. Remind yourself that when we interpret, we are telling ourselves stories.  There is nothing wrong with stories – but just know that they are not real or true!

Remember, when you can not separate fact from fiction, one plus one does not equal 2, and not even 11, but numbers that don;t make sense, like 145!  And the more irrational you live in the land of fiction, the higher the numbers go up!

So take your magnifying glass and identity your thought habits – and make sure you can distinguish between the stories you tell yourself and the actual facts at hand!

These feelings prevent us from being aware of the beauty that is all around us and from recognizing opportunities that can vastly improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively and financially.

Most people try to escape and run from these troublesome feelings, hoping they can leave them behind.

Unfortunately, such escape routes don’t really work—and for good reason. Our discomfiting feelings and emotions are an integral part of us.   Hence, when we try to run away from them, they simply follow us.

Indeed, the harder we try to “lose” them, the stronger they become and the worse we usually feel.

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (Ebb and Flow Press, 2011), I refer to these unwanted feelings as our Personal Truths and explore how we can learn to let them go.  Here is an important key:

Before we can let go of negative feelings and emotions, we must first accept and process them.

This may seem counter-intuitive at first.  Why would we want to stay with something that we so badly want to be rid of?  Let me explain why.   Because these Personal Truths are part of who we are—at least at that moment—we need to “honor” them in some manner.   By that, I mean we must accept their existence and make an effort to process them.  When we do this, they begin to leave on their own accord.

To be clear, this does not mean that we should sulk or dwell on them; simply, that we must give them their “just due.”  However, in doing so, remember that,

Our feelings and emotions are not facts.

They are just feelings and emotions—nothing more, nothing less. Understanding this helps us to effectively accept and process them.   Here’s one helpful way you can do that:

1.   Stay with your pain and discomfort—even if for only a short while. Sense it, feel it—including physically–and accept that it is okay that you feel that way.

2.  Next, separate the objective facts and “truths” of the underlying issue or situation from the illusions and myths that your imagination and fears have conjured up.  It helps to write these facts and truths down and reflect or meditate upon them.

3.   Then be proactive by taking constructive steps based on the objective facts and truths that have been revealed to you.

For example, if you’re angry about what a friend said or did, rather than withdraw, brood or plot how you can get back at him or her, reflect on the real truths and “harms” in what was said or done, including what role you may have played in the matter. Then share these truths with your friend (preferably in person) and how they made you feel, but being careful not to accuse or judge.  Sometimes you will find that you misunderstood what was meant or intended. The important point, however, is that you will have accepted and processed your negative feelings, rather than trying to run from them.

The next time you are experiencing negative feelings and emotions, I encourage you to try accepting and processing them in a similar manner.  If you do, I am confident you will find that they will disappear much in the same way as when a defroster clears fogged windows.

5 Tips To Start Living Your Authentic Life Right Now

One of the things you hear often in the world is that nothing is true, that everybody makes their own reality or that everything you see and experience is false. These ideas have some grounding in truth, but are often a misinterpretation of what is actually going on.

If everyone’s idea of reality is different and unique, it is a valid question to ask how can anybody ever be thinking the same things. Or for that matter, how can we share ideas or even communicate with each other if everybody sees things differently.

And what does that idea have to do with being authentic in our lives?

Let’s look at a picture in our minds for a moment. The Universe as a big ball, kind of like a giant beach ball, and if we were drawing this on a piece of paper it would look like a big circle. Everything that is in the Universe is inside this circle, and because there is nothing that is not in the Universe, there is nothing outside of the circle.

That means we are each in the circle, and so is the dog that lives down the street, the hamburger stand over across town, the moon and every single thought, feeling and idea we have. All in this big circle that is the Universe.

So we do all have some commonality to begin with in that we are all there in this Universe.

Now take a look at this big circle in your mind’s eye and see it as a clock face. The kind with hands, and the numbers around the edge, not the microwave kind of digital clock.

We are all indeed contained inside this Universe, but some of us are over by the 12 on the clock face and some of us are over by the 3, some are in the spot where we would be seeing that it is 9:30 and some are closer to the center of the circle, not really next to a number at all.

We are all still in the Universe, but we each have our own unique spot to view the Universe from. That is one of the things that makes living here so very cool.

Being authentic has a lot to do with our own unique viewpoint of the world. You are indeed always a part of the Universe but you also have your own little spot where you are the only one who is having an experience there. You can share your ideas, the best way you can, but it is still yours to experience.

The truth is, you are already living your own unique life. Being authentic has to do with the realization that you are indeed living this way and are deciding to do this in the simplest way possible. So here are some things you can do and think that could help you feel your own authenticity in a way that makes you feel good.

1. Be willing. This is where it all begins for stepping into your own authenticity. It is the understanding that your view of the world is yours – and nobody else anywhere can possibly understand exactly what you are thinking and feeling. You are made up of billions of little moving cells and energy patterns and emotions. Constantly shifting and never at rest. Nothing wrong with that, it is simply a description of how the Universe is put together.

Your own idea of how you are thinking and feeling is yours – it is the authentic part of you and being willing to accept this as true and being willing to live with this kind of understanding is the first step to living an authentic life all the time.

2. Let go. After being willing to accept that you are already living your own unique and authentic life, the next step is to let go of the parts of you that you are trying to pretend are the real, authentic you. Think about it like going to the mall for Christmas shopping. You shop and shop all day, fun to be sure, but there are only so many things you can purchase and carry around before you have to go out to the car and leave some there.

And once you have safely stowed them away in the trunk of your car, you are free to pick up some more things you really want. But you can only hold so many ideas or thoughts or feelings at any one time. It is very satisfying to have the ones that are really you, the things you feel in your heart of hearts. Those are the ones you want to be carrying around with you on a daily basis. You can quite safely let got of those things you learned as a child that no longer serve you, that make you feel bad and that distract you from being the way you know you authentically are.

3. Next is exploring. This is where you travel around the clock face on a journey to see if  another viewpoint might serve you better in your new found outlook on life. It is indeed your viewpoint that makes you feel authentic and it is also your viewpoint to change if that is what you want to do. Nothing says you have to do this, but for many people who are starting to recognize their own authenticity, this is an important step.

You are free to grab hold of the minute hand of clock as it swings around past you and let it carry you halfway around the clock face of the Universe if you like. A new viewpoint, a new set of thoughts, new people to talk with, new places to see, and then you allow those things in that fit with your own newly unboxed ideas of yourself and see what fits. You might very well decide to take another ride on the clock hands back to where you started, and that is OK because it is your very own authentic life you are living.

And you get to choose for yourself.

4. Next is pausing. The idea that it is alright to take a few minutes, or days, or weeks to internalize your new found ideas of who your authentic self really is. This means that before you start talking about it with your friends or posting on Facebook or sending out emails to everyone in your address book, that you contemplate what your new knowledge means in your heart.

Our experience of our modern world is often that it is filled to the very brim with noise, chatting, texting, TV, radio, cell phones and every other thing under the sun to connect us together.  We forget that authentic meaning is made in the quietness of our hearts when we are quiet and still ourselves. Nothing wrong with connecting with others, but there is also nothing wrong with connecting the parts or ourselves together either. In fact, you will always connect with others in a way that mirrors how you are inside. If you have discovered something new about yourself or uncovered something old that you had forgotten; they will know.

And it is OK for you to know that as well.

5. The last step of beginning your authentic realization is to speak authentically in a positive way. The Universe really only works with things that are, it does not work with things that are not. Imagine going to the ice cream shop for a treat and trying to order what you want by telling the clerk all the things you do not want. You could very well be there all day and night listing the flavors you don’t want before you say the one that you do want.

How much simpler to start with what you do want. And that is the crux of being authentic in your life – saying what you want and how you are. Let go of the idea that you can identify how your life is by describing what it is not. Leave that for the party games, and live your authentic life with the knowledge that you are completely capable of choosing for yourself what it is you do want.

Learning to live an authentic life is well worth your time and energy. You will wind up carrying less luggage from your past when you realize that you have the choice to put it down by the side of your road. You are then free to choose your own new luggage if you like, or not. Maybe you want your life to be free of valises, suitcases and steamer trunks altogether. No problem.

It is in fact, your very own life to decide what to carry around with you and where to carry it.

In your own authentic way.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

Father Alfred D’Souza

Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking once offered to show a young man in despair a place where thousands of people had no problems at-all.

The young man, eager to hear about such a place, was not so pleased when he found out where it was.

It was Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx.

Peale argued that if you’re alive you’re going to have problems. Using a reframe that might be a stretch for some he further said: “If today you have no problems, I urge you, go home as fast as you can. Go into your room, lock the door, fall to your knees and cry out to the Lord, “What’s the matter Lord? Don’t you trust me any more? Give me some problems!”’

Yes, I can hear you making some barely printable comment or more charitably muttering saying ‘”Sheesh!” Give me a break. Who’d want more problems?’

And you’d be right – most people don’t want more problems.

But I’m betting you are not most people. You are interested in taking your development to the next level (or you wouldn’t be reading this blog!) and while I hate to say it – problems are one of the routes to get there.

But I still don’t want problems!

Am I channeling Larry Winget (author of Shut up, stop Whining and Get a Life) when I say wishing they were gone won’t get rid of them? We will never be without problems* so the sooner you face up to that fact the sooner you’ll be focusing beyond them to solutions.

Therefore it’s in our best interests to develop a good robust mindset for dealing with problems. As the quote says ‘these obstacles ARE your life” and the quality of your life can improve in proportion to your attitude to problem solving.

We have framed problems as terrible, awful, something to moan about etc.  And so we “as we think so we are” and problems and inconveniences produce uncomfortable and so-called negative feelings – and accordingly are experienced as awful events that just get in the way of us having what we want.

I tell you – when you visit a third-world economy country – and then come back to seeing people having a fit in the superstore because they had to wait five minutes to pay for their piled high trolley of food – it puts things in perspective.

Many things we think of as problems are merely reflections of our lack of patience and our spoilt brat expectations of getting our own way. A life with so few problems is a luxury of the West and not reality for most of mankind.

But the fact remains – We will always have problems. If we’re going to succeed we need to learn to love them.

Love my problems? Yeah, right?

I will be the first to admit this process can seem HARD and it seemingly goes against the grain. But that only exemplifies the power of the case we’ve built up against them.

If….if you can learn to approach problems with excitement and verve, IF you can LOVE them – you can gain a tactical advantage over 90% of people in the world**.

More on how to do this further down.

Problems can make you rich.

It has been said “Don’t become a millionaire for the money, make a million for the person you will become in the process.”

Now, hopefully you’re planning to be an ethical, philanthropic contributor to society rather than paranoid billionaire locked in a room with talons for fingernails (sorry Howard) but either way – to get there – you’ll need to overcome lots and lots of problems to get there.

Millionaires (unless they inherit) get paid for solving problems. You can get paid for solving problems. In fact, you DO get paid for solving problems – think about it.

The more problems you can solve (and the bigger those problems) the more value you can add – and the more you can get paid. Imagine if you were the person who invented the wheel – think of the royalties from that…!

Adding value to other peoples’ lives increases the impact you can have in this world. And since ‘making a difference’ is so often on peoples’ list of values when you are known as an avid problem solver you will win people to you.

You can lead in your field. You can be a servant leader, providing for mankind in some area. And you can feel a whole darn lot better about your life.

So how do we change our attitude to solving problems?

Change our reaction to problems

Paul Stoltz in The Adversity Quotient suggests we retrain our brain’s reactions to hearing about problems. Instead of groaning he advises we sound klaxons like this one:

Likewise, we can also force ourselves to rejoice when we have a problem:

When I was training to be a coach the trainers would have the class raise their hands in the air and shout “How fantastic!” when they had an insight.

Doing this when you realize you have a problem to solve helps break the neuro-linguistic-semantic state that used to get you down.

Yes, it’ll feel weird at first like laughing when something isn’t funny but you’ll get used to it.

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. If you don’t feel the love, fake it until you do!

Increase your ability to bear pain

Peter Daniels is a 78 year-old Christian billionaire who is one of the four-hundred richest men in the world.

When asked on a talk show what one of the secrets to his success was, he said “my willingness to bear pain”. Daniels said that to be a success you need to be willing to bear pain, suffering, humiliation and ridicule.

Although he didn’t specifically mention problems it is obvious he had overcome numerous odds to get where he was. Did I mention he had gone bankrupt 4 times and was illiterate until age 27?

He once asked an audience member on his show if he thought he could make a million pounds in two years. The guy said ‘no’. He then asked the participant if he could make the money if his wife and three kids would be killed if he didn’t. The guy said ‘of course’.

And there you have it. With a powerful enough motivational source you could overcome most any problems in your life or give it such a good go you wouldn’t feel bad if you failed!

But what would drive you to endure, to pursue solutions with the same intensity you would have if you’re loved ones would be killed?

What would be so important not to loose, what would be a loss so grievous you would do almost anything to avoid it?

Conversely, what do you value so much you would live for?

“Let someone else get killed!” “Suppose everyone on our side felt that way?” “Well then I’d certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn’t I?” “Englishmen are dying for England, American’s are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can all be worth dying for?” “Anything worth living for,” said Nately, “is worth dying for.” “And anything worth dying for,” answered the old man, “is certainly worth living for.”

Joseph Heller, Catch 22

What are you willing to endure for your goal?

Identify yourself as a problem solver

This one comes from Switch by Chip & Dan Heath. People who identify themselves with an idea become more likely to behave in a way congruent with that idea.

Remember a time when you really loved solving a problem. Perhaps you didn’t identify it as a problem but it was a situation in need of a solution so it could be defined as a problem.

When you see what you saw, hear what you heard and feel what you felt, adjusting your body to allow the maximum experience of this you can stand, imagine what it would be like having this feeling as you approach other problems?

For example, if you enjoyed planning a holiday, what if solving that knarly work issue felt like the joyful anticipation of a week on the beach?

If you choose to accept the definition, you acted as a problem solver that time.

Now, think of all the problems you have solved throughout your life. Everything you have had to work out how to do is a problem you have solved. From walking, to baking a cake to figuring out how to fund that holiday in three months rather than six, these are all examples of how you have used your problem solving abilities. Don’t dismiss it, you did those things and what seems effortless to you may be hard for someone else.

In the field of NLP we call using a strategy that was successful in one area in another ‘mapping across’. If you want a real in depth discussion of how you can develop new strategies try NLP Volume 1.

Redefine your meanings of problems and pain

As I alluded to earlier, a good frame to have is: “I love problems because they make me rich!”

Additionally, here are some frames you could use:

• Problems are solutions waiting to be found
• I’m bigger than any problem
• Don’t tell me a storm is coming, tell the storm my God is coming
• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
• Problems are opportunities: in the middle of every adversity is the seed of its own solution (Napoleon Hill).

If you have a particular problem (ha!) with your concept of problems and pain, get the Change your Concepts Change your Life which will help you map out and redefine your conceptual states of mind – leading to a change in your behavior.

Redefine your expectations of ‘settling’

At what point do you want to stop solving problems?

I ask because, truly, perhaps you’re satisfied with where you’re at in life?  Perhaps you really don’t need to solve some of the problems that others insist are part of everyday life.

You could be happy to rent not buy, normal in some parts of Europe.

You might be happy being single when everyone tells you that marriage is wonderful (it is!)

But you get my point.

Or perhaps you’re conflicted inside because you don’t want to venture outside your comfort zone but know you need to in order to grow.

You need to give yourself permission to redefine your expectations of where you stop.

This can be as simple as putting your attention inside your head and telling yourself in an authoritative voice: “I give myself permission to press on, even though I feel uncomfortable.”

I mean, imagine what would open up to you if you didn’t value listening to your problems any more…!

So here you have some thoughts on problems. We will always have them, so let’s step up and learn to love solving them, if not the issues themselves.

Our entire futures can be changed by the issues we solve for ourselves and those we love. So problems? Bring it on!

*(Yes, if you like you can reframe this to “I don’t have problems I have solutions waiting to be found” – fine, if that works for you. )