I bet everyone of you dreams (at least sometimes) about having more money, love, joy, energy or health in your life? Right? And I also bet, that everyone of you has already done a zillion attempts to achieve just that. And though you had successes in some areas, I bet there are some areas, where you just couldn’t make it happen, no matter what? You try, you push, you change approaches, but you’ll always yield the same results. Why?

Because there is a subconscious mechanism within you, that won’t allow you to succeed in those areas. It is sabotaging your own efforts, to make sure you won’t leave your “Comfort Zone.”

Although you might have heard of your “Comfort Zone” before, you might have never heard about a way to alter your Comfort Zone, so that it allows your dreams to become true.

Would you like to learn such a system? I bet you do, so let’s go.

The Concept of Your Comfort Zone

You’ve heard the term “Comfort Zone” several times already. But although this concept is a true and useful one, it needs to be specified even more to become useful in tackling with your problems.

Your Comfort Zone has 3 key points:

1. Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism
2. Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism
3. The Neutral State (NS)

We should get to know these 3 key points of your comfort zone a little bit more in detail.

Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism

This subconscious limit will stop you from rising above a certain level of success, money, love or happiness. This is the internal barrier that you have built up in your head, that won’t allow you to ever experience more joy, love, happiness, success or money, than you feel you are worth. It is like a plane going too high that will stall and fall down to a level, where the pilot is again able to catch the fall in a zone accustomed for the type of plane. If you compare it to a thermostat, this would be the temperature when it get’s too hot and the air conditioner kicks in. And that is how your subconscious feels. It’s getting too hot in here, so let’s cool it down. This limit is tightly connected with the concept of self-worth.

No matter how much you believe in yourself as a limitless, spiritual being, we all have these limits in our minds.

Even the most successful people have them. They have just learned to raise them, so they won’t stop them from achieving what they want.

It is not about whether you have an upper limit, it is about whether that one causes you trouble, frustrates you and hinders you from growing further at this time.

The Auto-Mechanism of Your Subconscious Mind

It is as if your subconscious had a built-in auto-mechanism driving you directly to the events that will guarantee the (maybe not so desired) outcome for you.

And that is exactly what happens. You have an internal feeling of comfort within a certain range. Let’s go with a money example now. Let’s assume you are making 60,000$ per year. And you did so for maybe 3 years now in a row. If I would ask you how sure you are that you would make 60,000$ next year, you might be pretty sure that you can make it again. What if I challenged you to make 70,000$? Well, you might feel a little bit uncomfortable about it, but not that much. You might have some ideas on how to get it. How about 80,000$, 90,000$ or even 100,000$. Now that uncomfortable feeling might be getting worser. Maybe you could imagine yourself making 80,000$ putting in a lot more effort, but I might have lost you with 90,000 or 100,000$. Then you might realize, that 80,000$ is your upper limit.

What Is the Psychological Reason for the Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL)

You subconscious is not your enemy. It is your friend. And it’s only reason to install limits within you is to protect you.

It wants to protect you from harm and from being dissatisfied. There is safety in shooting low. Missing a goal you were really going for, could be a devastating experience for the self worth (as long as you identify your self worth with attaining that goal, but that is another point). And your subconscious doesn’t want you to experience this pain. So going for less, for the safe side or the easy, achievable goal is a self-protecting mechanism.

Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism

On the other side is another mechanism working. This limit is the lower threshold. This is how low you allow yourself to go, before all your instincts, all energy and focus is brought into play to get you back up. It is the level, where your subconscious associates a threat for your survival with the current situation. Again, comparing it to a thermostate, this is the point where it is getting too cold, so the heater kicks in. And so your subconscious gets you to move things and kicks in your efforts to get back into the comfort zone again.

Let’s assume now, again you are making 60,000$ (and you did so for 3 straight years). How would you feel, if next year, you would only make 50,000$. Well you might feel uncomfortable again, but you might come up with some things you could cut your expenses on. Let’s go even deeper – 40,000$ or 30,000$. I bet you won’t feel so comfortable then. How about 20,000$ or even 10,000$. There is again a level, where your subconscious would scream “NO WAY – I won’t allow this to happen. This is dangerous for my survival”.

Well, even if it won’t be threatening your physical survival (there are a lot of people surviving with less than 10,000$ or even less) there is a level where your subconscious associates massive pain with making only that much money. Again, you should find out that level for you.

The Neutral State (NS)

This is the state where you are okay with a situation. Not great, not bad, but okay. In the above mentioned example that might be making 60,000$ – or maybe not, depending on the feeling a person associates with this amount.

Establishing Your Comfort Scales

You need to establish your comfort scale, so you can exactly pinpoint how much comfort or discomfort you associate with anything. The key to this is focusing on your body feelings. Your body feelings will tell you much more precisely how comfortable you are with a situation, then your intellect.

Comfort is associated with body feelings.

Let’s establish a scale from 1 to 10.

• 1 being so much discomfort and pain, that there is no way to tolerate it. This is the ultimate life threat.
• 10 meaning the most enjoyable state you could think of.
• 5 would be neutral, so this would be the Neutral State (NS), where you are okay with a situation. It isn’t great and it isn’t bad, just okay. Although this sounds boring it is essential to know where this level is for you.

Now let’s fill this theoretical scale with life. For this money is a great tool, because for most of us, money is an essential ingredient of life and therefore, a good measurement for our comfort level.

So remember the Comfort Scale:

1 (Ultimate Discomfort or Pain) … 5 (Neutral, okay) … 10 (Ultimate Comfort or Joy)

Establish your Comfort Scale for HAVING THE MONEY

1. Consider you current annual income. Where on this scale are you with making that much money? Make a note, and experience how you feel in your body. Do you feel any signs of comfort or discomfort, when thinking about it? Look out for any change in your body: tightness, relaxation, warmth, cold, tingling, pain, sourness, nervousness, salivation just to name a few. This is your baseline point. It could be 5 or a bit below or above. Note that the baseline couldn’t be 1, since 1 is so much pain, that you would find a way to change it, no matter what. Even if you are not satisfied on a conscious level with your income, there is a part within you, who feels comfortable enough with it not to change the situation.
2. Think about how comfortable you would feel if you HAD 10%, 20%, 30% and more money per year. Go up as high as you like. Note for every amount, how comfortable you feel inside thinking about having it. Note for every new level the change in your body feelings.
3. Then think about making 10% less per year or 20% or 30%. Note how your Comfort Level changes and how your body reacts to this.

What you should have at the end are the body signs, that signal you the different comfort levels of your scale. You should be aware how your body feels when confronted with the different levels of discomfort and comfort.

Establishing this scale once is a very important step of the procedure.

Now let’s go one step further. This time don’t think about having the money, think about MAKING it.

Establish your Comfort Scale for MAKING THE MONEY:

• Start with your annual income. How comfortable are you with making it again next year?
• Then go up 10%, 20%, 30% and higher. How comfortable are you with making that much more money next year?
• Then go down 10%, 20%, 30% and lower. How comfortable are you with making only so little money?

Now compare those 2 scales, and you might be surprised.

You might find, that if you go lower than your actual income, that the pain of only making less money than you have is growing stronger but the trust in yourself that you can make it is also getting stronger. If you are currently making 60,000$, you will feel quite a discomfort about making only 40,000$ (maybe that is level 3), but you are quite sure, that you could make it (or better) next year (maybe Level 8,9 or 10).

Conversely, if you increase your annual income, you will find, that you would be quite comfortable with having it but the higher you go, the less you are sure, that you will make it. So if you currently are making 60,000$ making $90,000 would surely feel good (maybe level 6, 7, 8 or higher) but you are not so comfortable with your ability to make it (maybe 4 or even 3).

Remember – these levels are actual body feelings. This is key for the next step.

Raising Your Comfort Zone

Now you have 2 Comfort Levels for each $-amount. A Comfort Level for “Having the Money” and one for “Making the Money”. Remember money is here just an example. I could also say you have 2 Comfort Levels for “Wanting it” and “Trusting in Yourself that you can make it happen”.

The key to raising your Comfort Zone is by associating the feelings of comfort with the image of making a certain level happen.

Here is how to do it. The whole process consists of 2 Steps.

Step 1 – Dialogue With Your Fear

1. Ask your subconscious, why there are feelings of discomfort associated with you making more money.
2. Write down in your journey what comes to your mind. What negative consequences might be associated. Write them down.
3. Consider if these are actual, real problems, that could occur. Then thank your subconscious for bringing them up and consider them in the future.

Step 2 – Associating Comfort With the Steps Beyond Your Current Comfort Zone

1. Remember the good feelings of comfort in your body (choose intuitively from Level 6-10)
2. Imagine doing the thing (e.g. imagine making 90,000$ – not having, but actually earning them)
3. Now listen to your body. Once you really think about it, those old feelings of doubt, worry and discomfort will come back.
4. If so, drop the picture and try to remember the feelings of comfort again in your body
5. Bring back the pictures of you making it happen (e.g. making 90,000$)
6. If your feeling of comfort vanishes, drop the picture again, bring back the good feelings and then bring in the pictures again.
7. Continue to do so, until you are able to see yourself doing the things necessary to make it happen while at the same time feeling in your body feelings of comfort and trust.
8. Repeat this process for at least a week, better 30 days. Do it at least early in the morning and before going to sleep. You can do it more often if you like. Once you’ve done it 3-4 times, you will get it much faster.

Once your subconscious has build a neuro-connection for this new couple (picture of future success and feelings of comfort), you will no longer need to push towards making things happen. You will feel yourself drawn towards them. This will be one of the most interesting and releasing experiences you will ever have.

How to Use This Process to Change Anything in Your Life

This process is not only able to change your comfort zone towards money. Money was just picked for demonstration purpose. You can use this process for anything you can quantify and rate on a scale from 1 to 10.

Could you rate:

• your experience of love?
• your feelings of happiness?
• your health and vitality?

Of course you could and therefore you could use that process for all these areas. Try it and watch out for enormous changes happening to you.

Break through the glass ceilings that are limiting you in every area of life. Enjoy the ride.

Always trying to be a little different with Sunday Siesta I thought I would list of the best posts over the last year from Change Your Thoughts. There might be some posts that you have missed. I know you can sign up and get the best of CYT Volumes 1 and 2 FREE when you sign up (Check the right hand side of the blog to do this). Here are my favourite posts so far this year

10 Of The Best Posts From Change Your Thoughts

100 Ways to Develop Your mind - This is possibly the longest post I have written so far and one of the hardest but most rewarding. Writing challenging posts like this makes all the other ones a lot easier and it was quite rewarding as it received a lot of good feedback.

13 Fantastic Female Personal Development Bloggers – There are some great personal development bloggers out there and I found most of them were male bloggers and I still think it is dominated by male bloggers. However there are also some great female personal development bloggers out there and I wanted to highlight them which i have down in this post.

What Was Your Flash Forward – This is a post I really enjoyed writing as it was based on one of my favourite TV shows at the moment FlashForward. It is about visualising your future and making it real

Life Is Shit - This post got a lot of stick as a few people thought I was being arrogant in it, but that was not the intention and people who know me will know this. It is meant to stir a bit of emotion and tell others that life is not a shit as they would have make out.

10 Beautiful Pieces of Ambient Music – I loved compiling this post as it has some of my favourite composers and musicians in it and it is one I still refer to myself when I need a little mental calming.

7 Irrational Thoughts That Disrupt Your Life – This is one of my all time favourites at CYT and one that explains why a lot of people don’t get on in life as they are stuck with some of these thoughts, if we learn to get past all of them then we are on our way to changing our lives.

The Power Of Focus – This is the very day I decided that the blog was going to be a force in the personal development world and I set myself a huge target of reaching 10,000 subscribers by 31st December 2009. I was then at 3,400 subscribers and now up to 5,700, nowhere near my target but I am still working on it.

Ask The Coach – Myself and Ayo Olaniyan started this secti0n of the blog to answer personal development questions every Thursday. Ayo has done a great job in keeping it going and it is a section that I really enjoy. It hasn’t been that popular and the questions have stopped coming in, however we will keep going with it.

Audio Interview With Jonathan Wells – I loved this interview with Jonathan as he is one of my favourite bloggers out there. This post was about his book 7 Simple Steps – Life Transformation Guide

Set Your Mind Alight and Find Your Passion – I loved writing this post and it was one of those posts that just flowed from the heart and was easy to write, I was in the zone at this time.

Coincidences are defined by the New Oxford Dictionary of English as:

“A remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.”

How then can we increase coincidences in our life? This is what this article will look at and hopefully help you on your path to reaching your goals quicker and easier.

A look at coincidence

For a coincidence to have any meaning we first have to recognize the importance of a coincidence and it’s meaning. That is to say, a coincidence is not a coincidence if we don’t recognize it as such.

How then to recognize a coincidence. When our minds are open to the possibilities of coincidences we will see them more and perhaps act on them. Acting on a coincidence simply means; recognizing it and doing something with it, if possible.

To give you an example of a coincidence which was acted upon. I have been thinking about writing a book for a while now and was still swithering whether or not to do it. A few weeks ago I jumped in the car, turned on the radio and hear Elvis Costello singing ‘Everyday I write the book’, a song I haven’t heard on the radio for over 20 years. I immediately thought that it was strange and started laughing to myself (not something I do all the time). I keep driving but switch radio stations and hear the radio presenter interviewing someone. The presenter had just finished asking his question, so when I tuned in I heard the guests reply: “If you’ve got a book inside you, the flame keeps burning. The only way to put the flame out is to write the book and get it out there.” or words to that effect.

To the person observing from the outside that seems like a coincidence of no particular importance. To me it meant something totally different and I acted on it, taking it as a sign. Whether it is a sign or not is irrelevant, the fact is that had I not heard the radio that day I might not have decided to write the book and try and get representation.

So, coincidences, whether you see them as chance happenings or divine messages can change your life. We all know of stories of amazing coincidences and how someone’s life has changed as a result of a coincidence. Why then don’t we try to increase our chances of a coincidence happening to us.

5 Steps to increasing your coincidence factor

1. Open up your mind

It does not matter if you know coincidence to be a matter of probability or if you believe it’s a sign from the ‘world mind’, opening up your mind to coincidences will increase your chances of spotting them and acting upon them.

2. Look for the signs

When we concentrate on our goals in life the chances are that you will see signs pertaining to your goals. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for these signs. The signs will be obvious. I am not talking about signs that would take a cryptographer months to figure out as we could read anything we see and hear to be a sign if we really look hard enough. I am talking about the obvious, in your face, signs, like the example I gave above.

3. Follow the signs

When you spot a coincidence, follow it, if you can, and see where it leads you. The signs might not lead you anywhere but it’s a hell of a lot of fun following them and sometimes they will lead you to a life changing event. Sometimes the coincidences just encourage us to keep going or give us a personal message, a message that is there for everyone to see however a message which we can take as a sign for ourselves.

4. Get yourself out there

Chance meetings, strange coincidences, and divine messages will never happen if we hole ourselves up in a bedroom with no TV, radio, or contact with the outside world. So, to increase your chances of reaching your goals in life quicker and to increase your coincidence factor, take action toward your goals. Taking action means putting yourself in alignment with your goals and seeking out ways to increase your chances of reaching your goals. If you want to be a famous chef, you’ll never get anywhere if you just cook for yourself.

5. The snowball effect

Once you have started opening up and accepting coincidences in your life, you will start to notice them more often. I believe this is you aligning yourself with an energetic force, an invisible force which can be used to better your life and the lives of others. The more you open up the more you will receive.

Esoteric nonsense?

Is this just a lot of new age nonsense, not worth the pixels on your computer? Only you can decide that.

“From the small cracks in life, lie the biggest opportunities”

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.~Gandhi~

We are often warned not to push anyone into a corner because that is when they fight their best and most vicious battles.

A cornered creature, man or animal, is dangerous, even vicious. That is the point at which one loses all fear. We become fearless when we lose that which we value the most. Because, when that happens, the rest doesn’t really seem to matter as much. And, we also realize the futility of having lived in fear of losing something that is now beyond reach.

We need to understand that we could possibly have been able to enjoy the finer intricacies of our object of desire much more if we hadn’t lived in constant fear of losing it. When we lose it, we see the futility of all the anxiety, the heartburn over it. We start looking for and finding ways of living without it. And the human mind and spirit, amazingly resilient as they are, discover reasons and conviction for why we are better off without that which is now lost.

That is the point at which you start enjoying the positive aspects of fearlessness. For, when you fear nothing, nobody can manipulate you anymore. You would be your own person and not dependent on anyone for your happiness or peace of mind. Your best bouts of courage are reserved for times when you have nothing to lose.

Fear in relationships

In relationships, most manipulations occur because we hand over the weapon of our fear to be used against us to those we love most. A lover is able to manipulate his beloved’s emotions by threatening withdrawal of love and care. He will sulk, not talk or withdraw caring gestures — all the things that a loved one values. So you give in, bow to the will of the lover, and make compromises, all for fear of losing that which is cherished.

On the other hand, if the lover overplays his hand and carries on the withdrawal act beyond a point, the beloved may finally get used to the idea of rejection and taking the loss as an accomplished fact, and lose all fear in the relationship.

Fear of losing leaves you impotent not just in relationships but also in everyday situations such as your work life, with friends or relatives and even with strangers. It extends beyond material things to prestige, respect, happiness, peace of mind, etc.

Fear in life

At work, how often we let people get away with delivering shoddy work, doing an injustice to someone or cheating us just because we fear losing our peace of mind over an altercation?? We allow incompetent people to underperform for fear of creating a situation and so losing our calm.

In financial situations, fear of loss makes us lose money! In the ’60s, reportedly a couple who invested big time in a single stock, PepsiCo, saw a major portion of their money vanish as the market took a downslide. This scared them so much that they not just dumped Pepsi, but never bought a single share after that. If they had only overcome that fear of loss, the same portion in PepsiCo would have been worth $3 million by now!

For courage is not just required for doing battle, but also for maintaining a sense of calm, for making money, for living a good life — in short for everything. The ‘fight or flight’ syndrome kicks in irrespective of the fact whether the thing we fear losing is physical, mental or a financial threat.

Those who can learn the trick of transcending this fear of loss, would find the courage to enjoy that which they love most while they still retain it. What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

Think of the worst that can possibly happen. Get used to the idea and accept it. From there on, things can only get better… and you can acquire courage even as you retain the object you feared losing, for you fear that no more. You know loss is a possibility and you are moving ahead with that in mind.

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. ~Dale Carnegie~

To a certain extent, I believe we have all been unfairly judged before, and because it is not something we can avoid, it pays to learn the steps necessary to beat prejudice. Even more so when the antagonist is our new boss or mother in law. While I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s easy, choices are, at times, not a luxury we own. In any case, here’s how it could be done.

1.Be tolerant

First of all, he or she does not hate you. Having prejudice towards another is not a choice made by the other person. It is mostly a subconscious act that is based on false ideology and interpretation that were cultivated since young based on personal experience, influence of the media and hearsay. If there’s anyone who is at fault, it is we who are too easy to generalize people in terms of race, gender, ethnicity and sexual orientation. So, instead of playing the blame game which only make matters worse, try and be tolerant.

2. Focus

It’s all too easy to let your emotions get carried away. After all, it’s certainly not fair for us to be judged on things we hardly have any control over.  Make sure to always keep in mind what you want, and ignore any emotions that may hinder such progress.

3. Be nice to them

What I often do is keep smiling and be nice to the person. This often works like a charm. Sure, we don’t owe them anything. But if you want their acknowledgment, this is the only road to take.

4. Understand what is expected of you

Now you may wonder, if it’s not hate, then what is it? He sure did make life harder for you, but that’s something we all have to deal with at some point in life. To get past the bias, try to look at it as someone who expects more from you than what he does of others, which is true. Don’t pay any attention to the little things. To find acceptance, you must first focus on what needs to be done, and that is; understanding what is expected of you and constantly perform beyond his expectations.

5. Don’t be desperate

There is no one, I dare say, that does not want to be acknowledged. Even so, when the person involved plays an important role in our life. But, no matter how important he may be, you should never be desperate for acknowledgment. Think of it as being in a romantic relationship. It is never advisable to be needy, right? The same goes for getting past the discrimination.

6. Avoid mistakes

If there’s anything you should avoid, it is making mistakes. It will only worsen their judgment on us as it confirms what they have in mind toward us, which is not something we want to be associated with. If you do, however, make mistakes, apologize immediately. Try not to give excuses for your mistakes as it does not help and can make things worse.

7. Surpass their expectations

This is where it matters most. You need to work harder so that you can constantly surpass their expectations. Always remember, the first one is a fluke. And so is the second one. The third is where things really start to count. And after some time, usually, the prejudice will slowly fade.

8. Be persistent

Don’t get disheartened when things persist. The key is to be patient. Unless he hates you, sooner or later he will realize that his judgment and bias is incorrect . But until that day comes, be persistent.

9. Kindly tell them if it persists

I would only recommend this as a last resort. No one likes to be called a racist or sexist, directly or indirectly. We all feel the need to be seen as someone who is fair. Especially so when the relationship is a professional one. But if you must, do so in a kind manner or things will only get uglier.

Wrap up

Instead of hanging on to the cliche that life is not fair, I always try to look at it as a trial or challenge. This works well to keep myself in a positive attitude. Since there’s no changing how hard life can sometimes get, it is better to change our perspective on things.

I wanted to mix it up a little this week and have another theme. This weeks theme is going to be about blogging, whether you are a beginner or a seasoned pro it’s always useful to read about other successful bloggers and hear some of their advice. Here are a handful of great blog posts from last week that you might find interesting.

12 Fantastic Posts about Blogging from 18th – 24th October

5 Plugins To Make Your Wordpress Blog Blazing Fast- ProBlogger.net - This is a great post from Darren Rowse giving a rundown of 5 plugins to make your blog a lot faster. I have not heard of 3 of them so it was a very useful article.

Steal This Trick: The #1
Secret of Confident Bloggers – Sonia Simone @ CopyBlogger.com – This is an article for bloggers who are still trying to figure out what niche to get into and how to stand out from the crowd and there is still some useful stuff in there for seasoned bloggers.

How To Keep Your Blog Running Smoothly When Traffic Spikes- BloggerDesign.com – This is another post talking about plugins, the Wp-Super Cache Plugin to be exact.

Should My Blog Go In the Root of My Company Website? DailyBlogTips- One of my favorite blogger blogs. Daniel Scocco answers an often asked question by bloggers.

The Truth About SEO- TopRankBlog.com – This is a fantastic post by Lee Odden about the importance of SEO, which has been minimized over the last few tears. Some great statistics in here.

5 Out-of-the-Box Keyword List Strategies That Work – QuickOnlineTips.com – I use keyword strategies when constructing my headlines so this article caught my eye and is pretty useful for bloggers and marketers alike.

The Tarot as a Tool for Writing Your Novel Guest post by Marelisa Fábrega on Write To Done – Not really about blogging but it caught my eye as I used to love doing the tarot, had the Norse Tarot deck. Marelisa speaks about NaNoWriMo and gives a novel idea on constructing a novel.

3 Marketing Strategies For Bloggers With Limited Time – Performancing.com – This is a useful guide for beginners in the blogging world.

How 1 Year of Blogging Change My Life – Wordful.com – A great post for any bloggers out there thinking it is easy. Charles Bohannan sums up his year in blogging and gives a useful guide for nebbish coming into the field.

How better writing boosts your blog’s image (5 writing tips) – Guest post by Laura Helen walsh on BlogForProfit.com - Some great tips by Laura on how to write for your blog.

Words For Sale – Blogging Without A Blog – BarbaraSwafford asks the question how much is your blog worth and what knowledge have we gained that we could monetize. My blog is worth $114,000, not bad

The Power of Giving – David Risley – A very quick 2 minute video on the power of giving. This is a great reminder of why we are in the business we are in.

When you read the heading, how did it make you feel? did it make you feel anything? did you get angry? upset?

Believe it or not that’s how a lot of people feel, no matter what they achieve in life, they feel as if it’s never enough. They feel everything they have done ends in failure; their relationships, academia, work, fatherhood, motherhood etc they take it all and see it as a failure. I have dealt with clients so many times who have been able to rhyme off all their failures, and it seems to give them a sense of satisfaction at being able to list so many, that’s because they have gone over it so much in their heads.

I can empathize with the person who is suffering this, I have been there, we’ve all been there at some point, it might not have been as prolonged but we’ve still been there. The problem is when the person puts the blame on someone else, usually a failed marriage, a bad childhood, events that have happened in the past etc.

If you are one of these people, I really do know where you are coming from, but:

Now Is The Time To Take Responsibility

The time to start is now. It’s time to say, yes shitty things have happened to me, yes I had a shit childhood, yes I was bullied as a child. It’s great to own that, and say it happened to you, but it’s also time to let go.

Give yourself a break from analyzing the past, stop living there. Come back to the present and show everybody who you are today, not who you were yesterday. You are so much more than what happened to you. The very fact that you are with us today and reading this, whether you feel angry or not, makes your life a success. You’ve managed to come through the pain barrier, you’ve managed to stick two fingers up to the people who hurt you and say I’m still here, I’m still fighting on and you know what! I’m a success.

You’ve cried enough tears, you’ve felt the anger, the pain, the heart tugging so many times and you’ve almost given up on a few occasions, but you didn’t, you’re here, and here is a good place if you want it to be.

You might be mad with me just now for saying all this, and tell me I don’t understand what you’ve been through, believe me I do, but what I will never understand is how you feel about it, that’s a personal thing and I don’t want to feel your pain, that’s yours to own and believe it or not is a gift which will help you in the future. I would love for you to say ‘I have felt real pain, real anger, real emotions and real moments when my life was almost over, but I am still here’

Choose to feel different

Maybe it’s not quite the right time, but you have the choice to feel different about life. Take responsibility and know that you own your feelings, nobody else.

• When you know this, you will stop blaming others for feeling lousy.
• When you know this you can change the way you think.
• When you know this you can change your life.

Start the journey

How do you feel now? Angry? Mad? A sense of relief? Good, that’s what living in the now feels like, welcome back, it’s good to have you here.

“Tension and discomfort are necessary feelings in the process of achieving your goal. In fact, if you do not experience them then the goal is not important or not what you really want.” Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Avy Joseph (p114)

Marines train their minds to over-ride the pain impulses of their bodies. They can survive under torture, and out in harsh terrain in ways that would kill the rest of us.

People have willingly died for their beliefs – and survived because of them.

Victor Frankel got through a German concentration camp in horrific conditions because he believed there was something worth living for on the other side. He faced beatings, starvation and disease to extremes we can barely imagine.

This means that pain can be experienced to an outrageous degree but the people involved managed to live, get through it, and do what they needed to do to achieve their mission, or make it to the end of their confinement.

We in the West live in a society where life is ‘easy’ compared to most of the rest of the world. We medicate ourselves every time we feel a twinge, and dose ourselves with food, sex, drugs, and entertainment whenever we feel unhappy.

We run away from discomfort and tell ourselves we can’t stand the problems in our lives. See the examples above. As if we really know what ‘problems’ are!

As Avy Joseph says in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy:

“We all experience problems in many areas of our lives but don’t always realise that our minds and bodies respond to how we rate them. Evaluating a difficulty as unbearable is not only flawed but it also triggers images and feeling that fight against goal achievement (p31)”

I think we think we ‘shouldn’t have to experience ‘pain’ on the way to our success. Think again!

If you’ve ever watched the violent and satirical sci-fi film Starship Troopers you’ll see the drill sergeant spear a recruit’s hand with a knife and then announce (as the recruit screams) : “PAIN – is in your mind.” I think it probably felt quite real to the person with the knife through his hand!

Nevertheless, the idea is that it’s not just the feeling but what you tell yourself about it that determines whether you’ll get through it. In other words, it’s the meanings we choose to give to our ‘discomfort’.

Why we don’t stick with change

They tell themselves that they can’t stand the feelings that come with it as if the feelings shouldn’t be there. I know. I did this for years.

Here’s a revelation I had which is changing my life:

• those ‘feelings’ are completely normal. Yes, completely.
• They are as normal as hunger when you haven’t eaten, sadness when you loose something valuable to you, and breathing hard if you’ve run a lot. They are as part of you as sexual desire (although we don’t usually enjoy them as much!)
• They’re hot-wired into your mind-body system so they’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

All this time you may have been rejecting the natural tensions that come along with changing the status quo. Isn’t that kind of like hating yourself for breathing?

This is partly why Susan Jeffers said :”Feel the fear and do it Anyway” because fear seems like a stop sign but is actually just neurological-kinaesthetic information reporting to you how your perceptions are measuring the gap between what you have, and what you want.

But the experts say we are engineered for change? So why do we feel tense and uncomfortable?

Well, the simple explanation is this. Your mind is designed to reinforce what you already believe. It has too, or you could not live a life where you doubted every element of your existence. If you did, you could not function. You’d be too scared to step out of bed in the morning in case the floor ate you. Or the bed!

So when you attempt to change your mind and body resists. It sends out waves of discomfort. It ‘says’ Stop! The status quo is under threat. This, is completely natural.

And maybe you have stopped. Too often?

But now you KNOW those feelings are natural, they’re just part of the process of change where old beliefs fight for their existence, you have the first piece of what you need. I don’t deny that this is a hard piece of truth. But it is true.

If you believe that God made you, then you believe that every part of you that is made is ‘good for purpose’, even if we don’t always use/feel it so. If you believe you just evolved, then these signals are simply that – signals from a body and mind about itself and its environment. They’re not instructions, and I genuinely don’t think they’re an infallible guidance system as some personal develop writers suggest. If they are, mine must be broken…!

So if we are often going to feel uncomfortable with the process of change (and I acknowledge there are plenty of times when change is fun) then what will help us stick with it until the change is made?

• A goal we want
• Healthy beliefs
• Healthy self-talk
• Reasons to persevere

Exercise

So what is the thing you want to change? What will the outcome be when you have got it?

What difference is the change going to make in the ‘real’ world that is worth fighting for? How will I know I am different when I have made the change? What will be the improvements in my attitude and performance.

Grab a piece of paper write it down.

Now ask yourself what you currently think about making that change. Write down all the worries, fears, griped and ‘I can’t’ statements.

The next thing to do is to create a healthy belief about these feelings. It helps to write out a paragraph of what you want to believe instead.

Avy Joseph says a healthy belief = what you want + keeping it real (p98) unlike an unhealthy belief that usually demands the world ‘must’ and ‘should’ conform to its demands.

Let’s say that you were struggling to overcome your feelings. Let’s say your goal is to experience the remote control of power within you. Why a remote control? Well, if you hold it – no-one can push your buttons! You have some idea of what it will be like to see, hear and feel that.

After writing your negative thoughts, you might come up with something like this for a healthy belief:

“Labelling emotions as unbearable, too difficult, cannot override them, feel helpless in the presence of them, is definitely going to fail because of them are all ways of giving commands to your nervous system to create goal avoidance and away from motivation. (1)Removing these labels and downgrading them to ‘don’t love but can stand’, uncomfortable, I have the power to choose etc really helps me.

I can totally refuse (2) to use those labels and instead replacing them with ‘perhaps difficult but not unbearable’ or ‘in a different category to the comfortable emotions’ or even ‘all emotions are useful’ and ‘usefully produce discomfort in their message’ or ‘discomfortable messengers to prod me to alertness or to pay attention to something in my experience’. “

What I have done here is given new meanings to the feelings I had (1) and used statements where I acknowledge my ownership and control of the meanings I use (2)

Next, you will need to make a list of what you’ll get if you use the healthy belief as a reminder to push through the uncomfortable feelings – until they change.

Write out as many benefits as possible.

I’ll be more in control.

I’ll feel more empowered

I’ll be able to go on that date, ask that owner for referrals etc.

I’ll have more peace.

Etc

Now, you are armed and ready to go. You can repeat and affirm to yourself your new belief in the mirror. Claude Hopkins in the Magic of Believing recommends this.  When you feel like you need reasons to go on, read your reasons to go on!

When you’re self talk criticises you, take it down pro-wrestling style! Albert Ellis in his wonderful book: How to Stubbornly Refuse to make yourself Miserable about anything ever again – yes anything!” says you really need to passionately and aggressively dispute your inner talk.

“Really?

According to WHO?

You and whose army?

Oh! So I have to feel helpless. Who decided that? Me. Well, I can decide OTHERWISE can’t I?”

Think about a couple having a humdinger of an argument. Then have it with your self-talk.

I like to think of changing the things that make us stuck as ‘psychological knots’. To undo a really gnarly knot my involve a lot of huffing, puffing, walking away in disgust and coming back again with a renewed determination. Changing your meanings and beliefs can sometimes be like this.

But persevere and you’ll get there.

A few days ago, I filled out a VIA Survey of Character Strengths by Martin Seligman (Positive Psychology) and the results showed I was moderately optimistic. This gave rise to the topic ‘50 Ways To Build Your Optimism’.

Optimism is simply anticipating the best possible outcome in any event.

In no particular order here are ‘50 Ways To Build Your Optimism’.

1. Be realistic about your expectations.
2. Accept the past, manage the present and work hard towards the future.
3. Seek for a ray of light/hope in a negative situation. It’s a bit difficult considering all you are going through, but there’s always an opportunity lurking somewhere in the dark.
4. Utilize what you have for now and aspire to grow in every area of your life, remembering you can only swallow food in bits and pieces before taking another big bite.
5. Be authentic, be yourself and stop hiding behind the MASK of pretence.
6. Get infected by being in a network or company of constructive people, because optimism is positively contagious.
7. Have a dream, believe in it and do everything possible under the sun to run with it.
8. Accept you are human with imperfections.
9. Express love towards other people.
10. Be selective of what you read, hear or watch from the media. Excessive media influence could dampen your spirits.
11. Develop the habit of using positive affirmations constructively.
12. Listen to music. It has the ability to make your mind wander a bit. Come on!!! dance to the groove; sing even if it won’t get you auditioned for XFACTOR.
13. Exercise regularly. Taking care of your body mind and soul builds courage and resilience to face the pressures of the world.
14. Avoid living in self denial.
15. Try as much as you can to stay calm when overwhelmed with the issues of life.
16. Be thankful for everything you have, who you are, the people around you…..
17. Develop a sense of humour. Cultivate the habit of laughing or cracking jokes.
18. Spoil yourself and make sure you enjoy doing so. Go on vacations, get a massage, eat out……..
19. Improve yourself at the slightest opportunity you have. Your capacity to succeed in life will depend on your personal drive to take each opportunity as stepping stones to fulfilling your life long dream.
20. Be gracious enough to accept things you cannot change.  There will always be things you cannot change no matter how hard you work at it.
21. Reflect and focus on the good things that have occurred in your life.
22. Create a positive attitude.
23. Don’t harbour any form of resentment particularly with issues from the past.
24. Know when to call it quits. Some things aren’t just worth the effort and time you put into it.
25. Occupy yourself with things that bring out the best in you i.e. family, children,friends, travelling, reading etc
26. Focus on creating solutions and not drowning in problems.
27. Be a positive role model to your children, friends, family etc. Be a source of inspiration to people who look up to you.
28. Be good at your job demonstrating your useful skills.
29. Have a hobby to keep you occupied. It could be a form of sport, reading, writing etc.
30. Improve your physical appearance when necessary.
31. Get some rest because it is required to put things in perspective.
32. Learn something new in order increase your knowledge.
33. Be passionate. Embrace life and everything it stands for with love and passion.
34. Show persistence in all your endeavours because it’s one of the keys to happiness.
35. Worry less because it reduces the level of your anxiety..
36. Celebrate the successes of other.
37. Be determined and motivated to excel in all you’ve set out to do.
38. Learn to try out new things.
39. Maximize your success and give attention to your failures remembering that failures are learning experiences that yield positive results if handled properly.
40. Set a goal so that you will have something to look forward to when the going gets rough.
41. Practice the habit of forgiveness.
42. Avoid clutter. Be organized not only with your things but also with your thoughts and your plans.
43. Create a positive environment in your home or office.
44. Read several motivational stories, blogs,quotes….
45. Think positively about who you are.
46. Develop a strong ambition.
47. Visualize happy thoughts. Imagine a picture in your mind what you want to achieve and how you can achieve them. Oftentimes, what you create in your thoughts give birth to what happens in reality.
48. Walk tall, with your head high up exhibiting confidence.
49. Smile as often as you can. It has a way of showing your sincerity.
50. Have a blend of optimism in the way you pick, choose and say your words.

I look forward to your suggestions and comments.

It is said that if life hands you something of value like lemons, you should then create what is possible from that value given to you, like by making lemonade.  What is often ignored in this message is that you can’t go and make orange juice if you are handed lemons.  What this relates to in your ability to make use of your strengths is that you have a certain set structure your body and mind have adapted to, and it makes no sense to try and take on the form of someone else who is successful.  This is because they are making orange juice with the oranges life gave them, and you are trying to make orange juice from the lemons life gave you.

Personalities Are Fairly Fixed In Place

A basis for this concept comes from the idea that our personalities are fairly fixed in place.  From a young age, you can predict with fairly high accuracy the skills that a child will have 20 years later, as well as where their deficiencies might be.  Life experiences do take their toll, but I’ve noticed that the quiet person in a group now tends to be the quiet person in a group 5 years later, and so on.  On the other hand, their success is much harder to determine, as they could make use of their skills in a way that is unexpected.

Work With What You Are Built With

If your mind is one that brainstorms well when you are pacing around, listening to classical music, and eating a fish sandwich, then that is what you want to work with.  Knowing that some genius in the 1800s would learn and process best when by sitting for 2 hours and meditating before doing brainstorming doesn’t mean it is the way for you.  It is worth trying if you are so inclined, but copying the pattern of another person, if it is not fitting for you, will be deleterious to your productivity.

Notice Trends In Each Person’s Behavior

This same concept applies to how you view others.  If you see someone responding in a common way each time, or regularly tearing you down, or maintaining an exercise routine for many years, you want to realize that that is a very accurate indicator of what you can expect from them in the near, and possibly far-off, future.  Don’t expect that someone else will adapt to what your ideal of them is as time progresses, because in the same way that history repeats itself, past actions and behaviors that affected you from a certain person are very likely to show up again, if not exactly, in a slightly altered way.

Tomorrow Will Be Like Today If No Change Is Made

The call to action from that point is to examine those you know, and see who it is that you have been hoping would understand you a certain way, or work with you a certain way, and take your idealistic glasses off to see if there is actual change taking place.  A co-worker who puts you down in some way every morning is not likely to quit that behavior until you realize the trend and respond in a way that makes a put-down from them to you not beneficial in their own mind.  It may also do you well to write down a description of how others frustrated you today, and then check on what you wrote today a week or two from now.  The similarity is likely to surprise you.

Knowing that oranges can’t be used to make lemonade, and that what you have seen from others is a good indicator of what you can expect more of, provides you with understanding that reduces frustration, and leads you to find those lemons to make your lemonade.