I bet everyone of you dreams (at least sometimes) about having more money, love, joy, energy or health in your life? Right? And I also bet, that everyone of you has already done a zillion attempts to achieve just that. And though you had successes in some areas, I bet there are some areas, where you just couldn’t make it happen, no matter what? You try, you push, you change approaches, but you’ll always yield the same results. Why?

Because there is a subconscious mechanism within you, that won’t allow you to succeed in those areas. It is sabotaging your own efforts, to make sure you won’t leave your “Comfort Zone.”

Although you might have heard of your “Comfort Zone” before, you might have never heard about a way to alter your Comfort Zone, so that it allows your dreams to become true.

Would you like to learn such a system? I bet you do, so let’s go.

The Concept of Your Comfort Zone

You’ve heard the term “Comfort Zone” several times already. But although this concept is a true and useful one, it needs to be specified even more to become useful in tackling with your problems.

Your Comfort Zone has 3 key points:

1. Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism
2. Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism
3. The Neutral State (NS)

We should get to know these 3 key points of your comfort zone a little bit more in detail.

Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism

This subconscious limit will stop you from rising above a certain level of success, money, love or happiness. This is the internal barrier that you have built up in your head, that won’t allow you to ever experience more joy, love, happiness, success or money, than you feel you are worth. It is like a plane going too high that will stall and fall down to a level, where the pilot is again able to catch the fall in a zone accustomed for the type of plane. If you compare it to a thermostat, this would be the temperature when it get’s too hot and the air conditioner kicks in. And that is how your subconscious feels. It’s getting too hot in here, so let’s cool it down. This limit is tightly connected with the concept of self-worth.

No matter how much you believe in yourself as a limitless, spiritual being, we all have these limits in our minds.

Even the most successful people have them. They have just learned to raise them, so they won’t stop them from achieving what they want.

It is not about whether you have an upper limit, it is about whether that one causes you trouble, frustrates you and hinders you from growing further at this time.

The Auto-Mechanism of Your Subconscious Mind

It is as if your subconscious had a built-in auto-mechanism driving you directly to the events that will guarantee the (maybe not so desired) outcome for you.

And that is exactly what happens. You have an internal feeling of comfort within a certain range. Let’s go with a money example now. Let’s assume you are making 60,000$ per year. And you did so for maybe 3 years now in a row. If I would ask you how sure you are that you would make 60,000$ next year, you might be pretty sure that you can make it again. What if I challenged you to make 70,000$? Well, you might feel a little bit uncomfortable about it, but not that much. You might have some ideas on how to get it. How about 80,000$, 90,000$ or even 100,000$. Now that uncomfortable feeling might be getting worser. Maybe you could imagine yourself making 80,000$ putting in a lot more effort, but I might have lost you with 90,000 or 100,000$. Then you might realize, that 80,000$ is your upper limit.

What Is the Psychological Reason for the Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL)

You subconscious is not your enemy. It is your friend. And it’s only reason to install limits within you is to protect you.

It wants to protect you from harm and from being dissatisfied. There is safety in shooting low. Missing a goal you were really going for, could be a devastating experience for the self worth (as long as you identify your self worth with attaining that goal, but that is another point). And your subconscious doesn’t want you to experience this pain. So going for less, for the safe side or the easy, achievable goal is a self-protecting mechanism.

Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism

On the other side is another mechanism working. This limit is the lower threshold. This is how low you allow yourself to go, before all your instincts, all energy and focus is brought into play to get you back up. It is the level, where your subconscious associates a threat for your survival with the current situation. Again, comparing it to a thermostate, this is the point where it is getting too cold, so the heater kicks in. And so your subconscious gets you to move things and kicks in your efforts to get back into the comfort zone again.

Let’s assume now, again you are making 60,000$ (and you did so for 3 straight years). How would you feel, if next year, you would only make 50,000$. Well you might feel uncomfortable again, but you might come up with some things you could cut your expenses on. Let’s go even deeper – 40,000$ or 30,000$. I bet you won’t feel so comfortable then. How about 20,000$ or even 10,000$. There is again a level, where your subconscious would scream “NO WAY – I won’t allow this to happen. This is dangerous for my survival”.

Well, even if it won’t be threatening your physical survival (there are a lot of people surviving with less than 10,000$ or even less) there is a level where your subconscious associates massive pain with making only that much money. Again, you should find out that level for you.

The Neutral State (NS)

This is the state where you are okay with a situation. Not great, not bad, but okay. In the above mentioned example that might be making 60,000$ – or maybe not, depending on the feeling a person associates with this amount.

Establishing Your Comfort Scales

You need to establish your comfort scale, so you can exactly pinpoint how much comfort or discomfort you associate with anything. The key to this is focusing on your body feelings. Your body feelings will tell you much more precisely how comfortable you are with a situation, then your intellect.

Comfort is associated with body feelings.

Let’s establish a scale from 1 to 10.

• 1 being so much discomfort and pain, that there is no way to tolerate it. This is the ultimate life threat.
• 10 meaning the most enjoyable state you could think of.
• 5 would be neutral, so this would be the Neutral State (NS), where you are okay with a situation. It isn’t great and it isn’t bad, just okay. Although this sounds boring it is essential to know where this level is for you.

Now let’s fill this theoretical scale with life. For this money is a great tool, because for most of us, money is an essential ingredient of life and therefore, a good measurement for our comfort level.

So remember the Comfort Scale:

1 (Ultimate Discomfort or Pain) … 5 (Neutral, okay) … 10 (Ultimate Comfort or Joy)

Establish your Comfort Scale for HAVING THE MONEY

1. Consider you current annual income. Where on this scale are you with making that much money? Make a note, and experience how you feel in your body. Do you feel any signs of comfort or discomfort, when thinking about it? Look out for any change in your body: tightness, relaxation, warmth, cold, tingling, pain, sourness, nervousness, salivation just to name a few. This is your baseline point. It could be 5 or a bit below or above. Note that the baseline couldn’t be 1, since 1 is so much pain, that you would find a way to change it, no matter what. Even if you are not satisfied on a conscious level with your income, there is a part within you, who feels comfortable enough with it not to change the situation.
2. Think about how comfortable you would feel if you HAD 10%, 20%, 30% and more money per year. Go up as high as you like. Note for every amount, how comfortable you feel inside thinking about having it. Note for every new level the change in your body feelings.
3. Then think about making 10% less per year or 20% or 30%. Note how your Comfort Level changes and how your body reacts to this.

What you should have at the end are the body signs, that signal you the different comfort levels of your scale. You should be aware how your body feels when confronted with the different levels of discomfort and comfort.

Establishing this scale once is a very important step of the procedure.

Now let’s go one step further. This time don’t think about having the money, think about MAKING it.

Establish your Comfort Scale for MAKING THE MONEY:

• Start with your annual income. How comfortable are you with making it again next year?
• Then go up 10%, 20%, 30% and higher. How comfortable are you with making that much more money next year?
• Then go down 10%, 20%, 30% and lower. How comfortable are you with making only so little money?

Now compare those 2 scales, and you might be surprised.

You might find, that if you go lower than your actual income, that the pain of only making less money than you have is growing stronger but the trust in yourself that you can make it is also getting stronger. If you are currently making 60,000$, you will feel quite a discomfort about making only 40,000$ (maybe that is level 3), but you are quite sure, that you could make it (or better) next year (maybe Level 8,9 or 10).

Conversely, if you increase your annual income, you will find, that you would be quite comfortable with having it but the higher you go, the less you are sure, that you will make it. So if you currently are making 60,000$ making $90,000 would surely feel good (maybe level 6, 7, 8 or higher) but you are not so comfortable with your ability to make it (maybe 4 or even 3).

Remember – these levels are actual body feelings. This is key for the next step.

Raising Your Comfort Zone

Now you have 2 Comfort Levels for each $-amount. A Comfort Level for “Having the Money” and one for “Making the Money”. Remember money is here just an example. I could also say you have 2 Comfort Levels for “Wanting it” and “Trusting in Yourself that you can make it happen”.

The key to raising your Comfort Zone is by associating the feelings of comfort with the image of making a certain level happen.

Here is how to do it. The whole process consists of 2 Steps.

Step 1 – Dialogue With Your Fear

1. Ask your subconscious, why there are feelings of discomfort associated with you making more money.
2. Write down in your journey what comes to your mind. What negative consequences might be associated. Write them down.
3. Consider if these are actual, real problems, that could occur. Then thank your subconscious for bringing them up and consider them in the future.

Step 2 – Associating Comfort With the Steps Beyond Your Current Comfort Zone

1. Remember the good feelings of comfort in your body (choose intuitively from Level 6-10)
2. Imagine doing the thing (e.g. imagine making 90,000$ – not having, but actually earning them)
3. Now listen to your body. Once you really think about it, those old feelings of doubt, worry and discomfort will come back.
4. If so, drop the picture and try to remember the feelings of comfort again in your body
5. Bring back the pictures of you making it happen (e.g. making 90,000$)
6. If your feeling of comfort vanishes, drop the picture again, bring back the good feelings and then bring in the pictures again.
7. Continue to do so, until you are able to see yourself doing the things necessary to make it happen while at the same time feeling in your body feelings of comfort and trust.
8. Repeat this process for at least a week, better 30 days. Do it at least early in the morning and before going to sleep. You can do it more often if you like. Once you’ve done it 3-4 times, you will get it much faster.

Once your subconscious has build a neuro-connection for this new couple (picture of future success and feelings of comfort), you will no longer need to push towards making things happen. You will feel yourself drawn towards them. This will be one of the most interesting and releasing experiences you will ever have.

How to Use This Process to Change Anything in Your Life

This process is not only able to change your comfort zone towards money. Money was just picked for demonstration purpose. You can use this process for anything you can quantify and rate on a scale from 1 to 10.

Could you rate:

• your experience of love?
• your feelings of happiness?
• your health and vitality?

Of course you could and therefore you could use that process for all these areas. Try it and watch out for enormous changes happening to you.

Break through the glass ceilings that are limiting you in every area of life. Enjoy the ride.

Coincidences are defined by the New Oxford Dictionary of English as:

“A remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.”

How then can we increase coincidences in our life? This is what this article will look at and hopefully help you on your path to reaching your goals quicker and easier.

A look at coincidence

For a coincidence to have any meaning we first have to recognize the importance of a coincidence and it’s meaning. That is to say, a coincidence is not a coincidence if we don’t recognize it as such.

How then to recognize a coincidence. When our minds are open to the possibilities of coincidences we will see them more and perhaps act on them. Acting on a coincidence simply means; recognizing it and doing something with it, if possible.

To give you an example of a coincidence which was acted upon. I have been thinking about writing a book for a while now and was still swithering whether or not to do it. A few weeks ago I jumped in the car, turned on the radio and hear Elvis Costello singing ‘Everyday I write the book’, a song I haven’t heard on the radio for over 20 years. I immediately thought that it was strange and started laughing to myself (not something I do all the time). I keep driving but switch radio stations and hear the radio presenter interviewing someone. The presenter had just finished asking his question, so when I tuned in I heard the guests reply: “If you’ve got a book inside you, the flame keeps burning. The only way to put the flame out is to write the book and get it out there.” or words to that effect.

To the person observing from the outside that seems like a coincidence of no particular importance. To me it meant something totally different and I acted on it, taking it as a sign. Whether it is a sign or not is irrelevant, the fact is that had I not heard the radio that day I might not have decided to write the book and try and get representation.

So, coincidences, whether you see them as chance happenings or divine messages can change your life. We all know of stories of amazing coincidences and how someone’s life has changed as a result of a coincidence. Why then don’t we try to increase our chances of a coincidence happening to us.

5 Steps to increasing your coincidence factor

1. Open up your mind

It does not matter if you know coincidence to be a matter of probability or if you believe it’s a sign from the ‘world mind’, opening up your mind to coincidences will increase your chances of spotting them and acting upon them.

2. Look for the signs

When we concentrate on our goals in life the chances are that you will see signs pertaining to your goals. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for these signs. The signs will be obvious. I am not talking about signs that would take a cryptographer months to figure out as we could read anything we see and hear to be a sign if we really look hard enough. I am talking about the obvious, in your face, signs, like the example I gave above.

3. Follow the signs

When you spot a coincidence, follow it, if you can, and see where it leads you. The signs might not lead you anywhere but it’s a hell of a lot of fun following them and sometimes they will lead you to a life changing event. Sometimes the coincidences just encourage us to keep going or give us a personal message, a message that is there for everyone to see however a message which we can take as a sign for ourselves.

4. Get yourself out there

Chance meetings, strange coincidences, and divine messages will never happen if we hole ourselves up in a bedroom with no TV, radio, or contact with the outside world. So, to increase your chances of reaching your goals in life quicker and to increase your coincidence factor, take action toward your goals. Taking action means putting yourself in alignment with your goals and seeking out ways to increase your chances of reaching your goals. If you want to be a famous chef, you’ll never get anywhere if you just cook for yourself.

5. The snowball effect

Once you have started opening up and accepting coincidences in your life, you will start to notice them more often. I believe this is you aligning yourself with an energetic force, an invisible force which can be used to better your life and the lives of others. The more you open up the more you will receive.

Esoteric nonsense?

Is this just a lot of new age nonsense, not worth the pixels on your computer? Only you can decide that.

“From the small cracks in life, lie the biggest opportunities”

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.~Gandhi~

We are often warned not to push anyone into a corner because that is when they fight their best and most vicious battles.

A cornered creature, man or animal, is dangerous, even vicious. That is the point at which one loses all fear. We become fearless when we lose that which we value the most. Because, when that happens, the rest doesn’t really seem to matter as much. And, we also realize the futility of having lived in fear of losing something that is now beyond reach.

We need to understand that we could possibly have been able to enjoy the finer intricacies of our object of desire much more if we hadn’t lived in constant fear of losing it. When we lose it, we see the futility of all the anxiety, the heartburn over it. We start looking for and finding ways of living without it. And the human mind and spirit, amazingly resilient as they are, discover reasons and conviction for why we are better off without that which is now lost.

That is the point at which you start enjoying the positive aspects of fearlessness. For, when you fear nothing, nobody can manipulate you anymore. You would be your own person and not dependent on anyone for your happiness or peace of mind. Your best bouts of courage are reserved for times when you have nothing to lose.

Fear in relationships

In relationships, most manipulations occur because we hand over the weapon of our fear to be used against us to those we love most. A lover is able to manipulate his beloved’s emotions by threatening withdrawal of love and care. He will sulk, not talk or withdraw caring gestures — all the things that a loved one values. So you give in, bow to the will of the lover, and make compromises, all for fear of losing that which is cherished.

On the other hand, if the lover overplays his hand and carries on the withdrawal act beyond a point, the beloved may finally get used to the idea of rejection and taking the loss as an accomplished fact, and lose all fear in the relationship.

Fear of losing leaves you impotent not just in relationships but also in everyday situations such as your work life, with friends or relatives and even with strangers. It extends beyond material things to prestige, respect, happiness, peace of mind, etc.

Fear in life

At work, how often we let people get away with delivering shoddy work, doing an injustice to someone or cheating us just because we fear losing our peace of mind over an altercation?? We allow incompetent people to underperform for fear of creating a situation and so losing our calm.

In financial situations, fear of loss makes us lose money! In the ’60s, reportedly a couple who invested big time in a single stock, PepsiCo, saw a major portion of their money vanish as the market took a downslide. This scared them so much that they not just dumped Pepsi, but never bought a single share after that. If they had only overcome that fear of loss, the same portion in PepsiCo would have been worth $3 million by now!

For courage is not just required for doing battle, but also for maintaining a sense of calm, for making money, for living a good life — in short for everything. The ‘fight or flight’ syndrome kicks in irrespective of the fact whether the thing we fear losing is physical, mental or a financial threat.

Those who can learn the trick of transcending this fear of loss, would find the courage to enjoy that which they love most while they still retain it. What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

Think of the worst that can possibly happen. Get used to the idea and accept it. From there on, things can only get better… and you can acquire courage even as you retain the object you feared losing, for you fear that no more. You know loss is a possibility and you are moving ahead with that in mind.

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. ~Dale Carnegie~

When you read the heading, how did it make you feel? did it make you feel anything? did you get angry? upset?

Believe it or not that’s how a lot of people feel, no matter what they achieve in life, they feel as if it’s never enough. They feel everything they have done ends in failure; their relationships, academia, work, fatherhood, motherhood etc they take it all and see it as a failure. I have dealt with clients so many times who have been able to rhyme off all their failures, and it seems to give them a sense of satisfaction at being able to list so many, that’s because they have gone over it so much in their heads.

I can empathize with the person who is suffering this, I have been there, we’ve all been there at some point, it might not have been as prolonged but we’ve still been there. The problem is when the person puts the blame on someone else, usually a failed marriage, a bad childhood, events that have happened in the past etc.

If you are one of these people, I really do know where you are coming from, but:

Now Is The Time To Take Responsibility

The time to start is now. It’s time to say, yes shitty things have happened to me, yes I had a shit childhood, yes I was bullied as a child. It’s great to own that, and say it happened to you, but it’s also time to let go.

Give yourself a break from analyzing the past, stop living there. Come back to the present and show everybody who you are today, not who you were yesterday. You are so much more than what happened to you. The very fact that you are with us today and reading this, whether you feel angry or not, makes your life a success. You’ve managed to come through the pain barrier, you’ve managed to stick two fingers up to the people who hurt you and say I’m still here, I’m still fighting on and you know what! I’m a success.

You’ve cried enough tears, you’ve felt the anger, the pain, the heart tugging so many times and you’ve almost given up on a few occasions, but you didn’t, you’re here, and here is a good place if you want it to be.

You might be mad with me just now for saying all this, and tell me I don’t understand what you’ve been through, believe me I do, but what I will never understand is how you feel about it, that’s a personal thing and I don’t want to feel your pain, that’s yours to own and believe it or not is a gift which will help you in the future. I would love for you to say ‘I have felt real pain, real anger, real emotions and real moments when my life was almost over, but I am still here’

Choose to feel different

Maybe it’s not quite the right time, but you have the choice to feel different about life. Take responsibility and know that you own your feelings, nobody else.

• When you know this, you will stop blaming others for feeling lousy.
• When you know this you can change the way you think.
• When you know this you can change your life.

Start the journey

How do you feel now? Angry? Mad? A sense of relief? Good, that’s what living in the now feels like, welcome back, it’s good to have you here.

“Tension and discomfort are necessary feelings in the process of achieving your goal. In fact, if you do not experience them then the goal is not important or not what you really want.” Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Avy Joseph (p114)

Marines train their minds to over-ride the pain impulses of their bodies. They can survive under torture, and out in harsh terrain in ways that would kill the rest of us.

People have willingly died for their beliefs – and survived because of them.

Victor Frankel got through a German concentration camp in horrific conditions because he believed there was something worth living for on the other side. He faced beatings, starvation and disease to extremes we can barely imagine.

This means that pain can be experienced to an outrageous degree but the people involved managed to live, get through it, and do what they needed to do to achieve their mission, or make it to the end of their confinement.

We in the West live in a society where life is ‘easy’ compared to most of the rest of the world. We medicate ourselves every time we feel a twinge, and dose ourselves with food, sex, drugs, and entertainment whenever we feel unhappy.

We run away from discomfort and tell ourselves we can’t stand the problems in our lives. See the examples above. As if we really know what ‘problems’ are!

As Avy Joseph says in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy:

“We all experience problems in many areas of our lives but don’t always realise that our minds and bodies respond to how we rate them. Evaluating a difficulty as unbearable is not only flawed but it also triggers images and feeling that fight against goal achievement (p31)”

I think we think we ‘shouldn’t have to experience ‘pain’ on the way to our success. Think again!

If you’ve ever watched the violent and satirical sci-fi film Starship Troopers you’ll see the drill sergeant spear a recruit’s hand with a knife and then announce (as the recruit screams) : “PAIN – is in your mind.” I think it probably felt quite real to the person with the knife through his hand!

Nevertheless, the idea is that it’s not just the feeling but what you tell yourself about it that determines whether you’ll get through it. In other words, it’s the meanings we choose to give to our ‘discomfort’.

Why we don’t stick with change

They tell themselves that they can’t stand the feelings that come with it as if the feelings shouldn’t be there. I know. I did this for years.

Here’s a revelation I had which is changing my life:

• those ‘feelings’ are completely normal. Yes, completely.
• They are as normal as hunger when you haven’t eaten, sadness when you loose something valuable to you, and breathing hard if you’ve run a lot. They are as part of you as sexual desire (although we don’t usually enjoy them as much!)
• They’re hot-wired into your mind-body system so they’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

All this time you may have been rejecting the natural tensions that come along with changing the status quo. Isn’t that kind of like hating yourself for breathing?

This is partly why Susan Jeffers said :”Feel the fear and do it Anyway” because fear seems like a stop sign but is actually just neurological-kinaesthetic information reporting to you how your perceptions are measuring the gap between what you have, and what you want.

But the experts say we are engineered for change? So why do we feel tense and uncomfortable?

Well, the simple explanation is this. Your mind is designed to reinforce what you already believe. It has too, or you could not live a life where you doubted every element of your existence. If you did, you could not function. You’d be too scared to step out of bed in the morning in case the floor ate you. Or the bed!

So when you attempt to change your mind and body resists. It sends out waves of discomfort. It ‘says’ Stop! The status quo is under threat. This, is completely natural.

And maybe you have stopped. Too often?

But now you KNOW those feelings are natural, they’re just part of the process of change where old beliefs fight for their existence, you have the first piece of what you need. I don’t deny that this is a hard piece of truth. But it is true.

If you believe that God made you, then you believe that every part of you that is made is ‘good for purpose’, even if we don’t always use/feel it so. If you believe you just evolved, then these signals are simply that – signals from a body and mind about itself and its environment. They’re not instructions, and I genuinely don’t think they’re an infallible guidance system as some personal develop writers suggest. If they are, mine must be broken…!

So if we are often going to feel uncomfortable with the process of change (and I acknowledge there are plenty of times when change is fun) then what will help us stick with it until the change is made?

• A goal we want
• Healthy beliefs
• Healthy self-talk
• Reasons to persevere

Exercise

So what is the thing you want to change? What will the outcome be when you have got it?

What difference is the change going to make in the ‘real’ world that is worth fighting for? How will I know I am different when I have made the change? What will be the improvements in my attitude and performance.

Grab a piece of paper write it down.

Now ask yourself what you currently think about making that change. Write down all the worries, fears, griped and ‘I can’t’ statements.

The next thing to do is to create a healthy belief about these feelings. It helps to write out a paragraph of what you want to believe instead.

Avy Joseph says a healthy belief = what you want + keeping it real (p98) unlike an unhealthy belief that usually demands the world ‘must’ and ‘should’ conform to its demands.

Let’s say that you were struggling to overcome your feelings. Let’s say your goal is to experience the remote control of power within you. Why a remote control? Well, if you hold it – no-one can push your buttons! You have some idea of what it will be like to see, hear and feel that.

After writing your negative thoughts, you might come up with something like this for a healthy belief:

“Labelling emotions as unbearable, too difficult, cannot override them, feel helpless in the presence of them, is definitely going to fail because of them are all ways of giving commands to your nervous system to create goal avoidance and away from motivation. (1)Removing these labels and downgrading them to ‘don’t love but can stand’, uncomfortable, I have the power to choose etc really helps me.

I can totally refuse (2) to use those labels and instead replacing them with ‘perhaps difficult but not unbearable’ or ‘in a different category to the comfortable emotions’ or even ‘all emotions are useful’ and ‘usefully produce discomfort in their message’ or ‘discomfortable messengers to prod me to alertness or to pay attention to something in my experience’. “

What I have done here is given new meanings to the feelings I had (1) and used statements where I acknowledge my ownership and control of the meanings I use (2)

Next, you will need to make a list of what you’ll get if you use the healthy belief as a reminder to push through the uncomfortable feelings – until they change.

Write out as many benefits as possible.

I’ll be more in control.

I’ll feel more empowered

I’ll be able to go on that date, ask that owner for referrals etc.

I’ll have more peace.

Etc

Now, you are armed and ready to go. You can repeat and affirm to yourself your new belief in the mirror. Claude Hopkins in the Magic of Believing recommends this.  When you feel like you need reasons to go on, read your reasons to go on!

When you’re self talk criticises you, take it down pro-wrestling style! Albert Ellis in his wonderful book: How to Stubbornly Refuse to make yourself Miserable about anything ever again – yes anything!” says you really need to passionately and aggressively dispute your inner talk.

“Really?

According to WHO?

You and whose army?

Oh! So I have to feel helpless. Who decided that? Me. Well, I can decide OTHERWISE can’t I?”

Think about a couple having a humdinger of an argument. Then have it with your self-talk.

I like to think of changing the things that make us stuck as ‘psychological knots’. To undo a really gnarly knot my involve a lot of huffing, puffing, walking away in disgust and coming back again with a renewed determination. Changing your meanings and beliefs can sometimes be like this.

But persevere and you’ll get there.

I have been watching a great new TV series, one of the few times I watch TV, called FlashForward. So far I am loving it, I just hope it does not turn out to be another ‘Lost’ or ‘Heroes’ which I loved when they first came out.

The basic premise of the story so far is that the whole world blacked out at exactly the same time. The blackout lasted 2 minutes and 17 seconds. Whilst everyone was unconscious they had a vision of an event six months into their future. When the realisation dawns on them that their visions are starting to come true, they are all left wondering what they should do about their future.

As ever there’s a post idea in everything and watching FlashForward was no different.

What is your FlashForward

Predicting your total future may not be possible however predicting part of your future is very possible. It starts in the mind, it starts with a vision of what you want your life to be like, it starts with a thought and it starts now.

What you can do here is something quite radical. Instead of waiting for coincidences to occur in your life, and see where they take you, you are going to create a future that has already happened and create the coincidences, so you are going to the coincidences. Sound weird?

Creating your FlashForward

1. Think of a goal you want to achieve within 6 months.

It can be any goal you want. I have two goals, closely related, for my online business that I am working on. One is to have a book published and the other is to have 10,000 subscribers to the blog.

2. Start creating your FlashFoward

I have already designed a cover for my book, albeit a very tentative cover. I have started writing as if I have already got 10,000 subscribers i.e. more appreciative of the reader, regular posts, new thinking, blog design etc.

3. Start creating your coincidences

That might sound like a paradox, and that’s because it is. Coincidences are created by seemingly chance events, however, these chance events could not have happened without you doing something or being somewhere to make the chance event happen. So in light of this we will do something to make coincidences more likely to happen. In my example I joined a Blogging Bootcamp with Leo Babauta and subsequently got one of my posts published on his blog which brought in an extra 3-400 subscribers which meant I I gained credibility. Due to this I managed to secure other paid writing work with other blogs which has led me to more work. So, had I not joined the blogging bootcamp I wouldn’t be in the position I am just now with regards to the blogging.

We can literally create our own luck by making the odds of coincidences and luck go more in our favour. It’s like winning the lottery; you’ve got to be in it to win it.

4. Create a Flashforward sheet for each goal

Create a FlashForward sheet for each of your goals. Please click on this link to view one I have created. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, but one that it is editable to add more things as they come up.  this is the page that is very important as you will be reading it a lot over the course of six months.

This is a great way to concrete your FlashForward in your minds eye and make it more a reality.

5. Keep creating your coincidences

A lot of people give up quite easily and can be disheartened very quickly. You will never realise how close you are to your goals when you give in. If you are feeling like giving in then look up stories of people in a similar situation to your own. Buy a ‘Chicken Soup’ book, cry a little, and then get right back in the game.

6. What happens if your Flashorward doesn’t happen

Nothing! You create another FlashForward and move on. What happened when you didn’t become a world famous ballerina, which you had wanted to be since the age of 3, what happened when you didn’t become state champion wrestler which you wanted since high school? You moved on, you pick yourself back up and move on. So it is with your FlashForwards. DFust them off and keep going with another one or move the time frame of the existing one.

What was your FlashForward

Let us know what your FlashForward was and how you’re going to get there. Looking forward to some interesting stories.

Look at the image above and imagine that the seesaw represents a scale of beauty from 1 – 10.

On one end of the scale represents beauty and the other end of the scale represents ugliness.

We look at people everyday and box them into lots of classifications, one of them being the box of beauty. Of course beauty is subjective and one person you might find attractive will not seem attractive to me. However, there are more or less universal beautiful people, crossing borders, and cultures.

We’ve all played the game at school ‘what would you give them, out of ten, for looks?’.

Look at the image again, take away the labels of ‘beautiful’ and ‘ugly’ from the two figures, and what are you left with?

You are left with two figures sitting on ‘The scale of beauty’ however, since they have no labels we cannot call one more beautiful than the other or one more ugly than the other. – they just………….are!

Looking without labeling

Our lives revolve around the dualities of life: good and evil, white and black, beauty and ugliness, right and wrong, happy and sad and so on. What if we could look at life and just see what’s in front of us, without putting a label on it.

Try it. Walk down a busy street and just glance at people as they are walking past, you’ll notice you label people almost immediately: businessman, fat, skinny, gorgeous, camp, fashionable, handicapped and so on. That is just some of the labels we give. Try walking down the street and just seeing a person, it’s extremely difficult at first but with practice you will get to do it and turn of the little labelling machine you have in your head.

When the labeling machine is turned off you start to notice life in a different light and your life is a little more laid back. When you stop labeling others you will stop labeling yourself as well. You will become – just you!

We all have fears, worries, anxieties, and memories from our past that still haunt us. They are like books stored in a library on the back shelf of our mind. Just like a library our thoughts, and fears are stored in separate sections and we access the books in each of the sections everyday to help us deal with new experiences in our life.

It might be time to rewrite the books that you have stored. Just like in a library there are books that are timeless and can be read again and again and never be outdated, I am thinking of a particular book that I love, rather cliched but I love it ‘Think and Grow Rich’ by Napoleon Hill. It was written in the 1930’s but most of the principles still apply today and it is one I often refer to and have several copies lying about the house. So it is with the books in our minds, some will never be outdated but a lot of them are outdated and hold irrelevant information about our fears, and our beliefs.

The book of memories

The book of memories is a large book in which all our memories are stored and retrieved whenever required. Sometimes the pages of the book become distorted over time and sometimes the pages get ripped out altogether.

A lot of the time we keep this book on the very front shelf of our library and access it every single day when we re-live traumatic experiences. Reliving past experiences is debilitating and can literally stunt our mental growth. Painful memories that are still raw i.e. a few years old need to be talked about in an open way, preferably with a trained counselor. However talking about the event 10 years on is counterproductive and it’s time to stop reading the book. Mentally put the memory in your book and get it stored on the back shelf only to opened on rare occasions. This is in no way discounting the traumatic event you are simply saying to yourself ‘It’s time to move on’, reliving your past everyday will only halt your mental growth and you will be stuck for as long as you keep reliving old events.

New, more happier, memories should be stored in the book as often as possible and I think it’s important to push yourself to get out, meet new people, puish beyond your comfort zone or get back in touch with family and good friends to start depositing happier memories in your book.

The book of beliefs

Beliefs shape our lives and make us the person we are today and it’s important to revisit our beliefs regularly and keep them up to date. How do we do this?

As you walk along the path of life you will come across experiences that don’t quite sit right with you and this can be a time to question and reposition your beliefs. For example when I was younger I used to go out with a group of friends every weekend (that was when the weekend started on a Thursday night) and our main goal was to have a good time, have a drink, and try and pick up a woman (Sorry, that was my mentality when I was younger). The experiences of the weekend were then spoken about with each other and I went along with the crowd at first and after a few times it didn’t sit right with me. I questioned my belief about privacy and respect and made a new belief to respect myself and anybody I was involved with. From then on I always kept my experiences with the girls to myself as I didn’t feel it was right to discuss intimate details with everyone, I always took a lot of heat for that but I stuck to my guns.

To question your own beliefs it’s important to question others beliefs as well and then make your own decisions and find out where you stand on certain topics. Most people believe it is not right to kill another human being that is why we can live in relative peace and harmony. Yes, it’s true there are a lot of people out there who kill but they are few and far between and the media sensationalize the people who do, therefore leading us to believe the world is a bad place to live, but is it really a bad place to live? we have to question the media’s motives for printing stories of people who murder others, simply because it sells just like the thousands of books about crime they are bestsellers. I believe the media can help to fuel a murderers motivation to kill, I honestly do and I have taken a lot of stick for this viewpoint.

Question everything and look at your beliefs about everything. You start by asking the question: What are my beliefs about this subject? if you don’t really have a belief and it’s not important then leave it, if it’s something important to you then form a belief around it but have reasons for it.

The Book of values and principles

This is the book that we access everyday and some people don’t even have this book in their minds. This does not mean we don’t have values and principles it simply means we may not know what they are and have never voiced them in any way. Having values and principles helps us to focus on the person we want to be and the person we would like to become. Over the last few years my wife and I have taught our youngest son the value and principle of honesty. At a young age he was prone to lying, about big things and silly little things. A lot of children go through this and they are basically pushing the boundaries to find out what they can get away with and that’s part of growing up. However we know our son very well and always knew when he was lying. To teach him this value he would always be given a punishment for lying e.g. no TV, computer or xbox for the day. Over the last few years he has learned that lying does not help and that telling the truth, no matter the consequences, was always the best way. We would also reward him for telling the truth and thanked him for his honesty, he may have still got into trouble but far less trouble than he would have if he had persisted with a lie
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Pick the values you would like to have in your life and try and live by those values. To help you choose values you can look at the list below. Decide on a few values at a time, and some of them you will already be living you just might need to solidify them. You will find that living this way has a tremendous impact on your life.

The book of knowledge

This book stores everything you have learned over your lifetime and like the book of beliefs you use it everyday as a way of gaining more knowledge and learning from new experiences. The trouble sometimes some people have is that they stop learning after coming out of school or university, or rather they stop actively looking to learn new things and form a belief that once you get past a certain age your brain can’t handle new information. This is not the case at all, the more we use our brains to learn the healthier it will become, once we stop seeking to learn new things our brains become, metaphorically, atrophied.

This really is the information age we are living in and the human brain is literally evolving into being able to store more information and in a more efficient way. Imagine our parents having to learn everything we have learned in our lifetime it just wouldn’t have happened however because our children are used to the amount of information they have to learn they don’t know any different so they get on with learning and their belief is that they can learn new things simply because they have to.

If you actively seek to learn new information whether it be on the computer or going back to college or university then do it if you can, it will keep your mind young, open and fresh to new ideas. The book of knowledge should be updated everyday.

The book of you

‘The book of you’ essentially contains everything that makes you YOU, everything I have written about above and all the little quirks and personality traits. It contains your sense of humour, your preferences about life, it contains the very soul of you. Spend a little time reading the book of you i.e. spend a little time alone to get back in touch with yourself and keep being you and keep being as authentic as possible.

What books do you have inside you?

Let’s get right down to the core of your being and seeing where you stand on life!

My main interests in the personal development field are core values and beliefs and how they are formed. They are closely related and they form the very person we are today and will shape your life in the future, that’s how important knowing this is.

What is a value?

Simply put your values are psychological constructs which determine the way we act, the way we dress, who our friends are, our self confidence, our beliefs; in essence our very being.

An example of values could be when you meet someone new in the workplace and have befriended them. You find out they have started to lie about silly little things and slowly your original opinion of them begins to change if one of your core values is to always be honest and transparent. If you find out this person lies all the time then chances are you will never be good friends as their values differ dramatically from yours. This is a simple example and obviously if that person has other values which match yours then there will be a play off as to which values win out.

Values provide valuable filters for us to live our lives and to a degree control the way we think about something or someone, control the way we behave and control how we act emotionally to the world around us.

When we see the most successful people around the world we can quickly see what their values are how they have managed to get where they are today. people like Oprah Winfrey , Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Eben Pagan, Richard Branson, and Martha Stewart to name only a few. Their values obviously include; self-reliance, hard work, commitment, discipline and more if we were to dig a little deeper.

How are values formed?

Your values are formed from a very early age through a process called imprinting and mostly influenced by your primary and secondary caregivers. As you get older your values can be aligned with the teachers who work with you, your friends, and role models you associate with.

The power of values is what makes our society tick, laws are based around values, wars are waged because of cultural values, groups are formed through a shared set of values. Almost everybody we are friends will have shared values.

When we keep digging we will find that values affect every aspect of our lives and that is why I believe it is so important to know your values and change and adapt your values.

Different types of values

There are three main types of values which we can simplify;

* Physical values – This is the value you strive to achieve to physical objects, work and one’s environment

* Interpersonal values – This is the value you seek to express in relationships with other people

* Psychological values – This is the value you aspire to realize in your own personality & inner being

How to know your values?

A simple exercise in finding out what your values are is to look at what you don’t like either about yourself or someone else. For example ask the questions;

Do you like people who are lazy?

Do you like people who are dishonest?

Do you like people who are pessimistic?

Do you like people who rely on you to get things done?

Do you like people who are closed minded?

Do you like people who are unfaithful?

By looking at the questions above you will discover what some of your values are. More digging will uncover a list of values you would like to have or like to strengthen about yourself. A lot of people say I wish I was more like ‘her’ or ‘him’. This is you really saying that you wish you could acquire their values.

An example of this would be assertive people. They are admired a lot because they can stand up for themselves and seem to say the right thing at the right time. A lot of people would like to have their values of; honesty, respect for others, self-reliance, independence, integrity etc. So if you admire a trait about someone, dig out the core values of that trait and align it with your own and work on the values that make up that particular trait.

You will find that everyone you admire and the qualities you like about them can be traced back to their core values and it is often transparent. so there’s no need to run up to Bill Gates and say ‘Excuse me Mr Gates, I know you’re a busy man, but could you possibly tell me what your core values are?’ This is not necessary because a little observation on your part can uncover their core values. NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is based upon finding the good traits of others and modeling yourself on them. Steve Andreas in his book ‘NLP – The technology of achievement’ states that “If one person can do something, anyone can learn to do it.”

Deciding what values you want

It’s now time to look at some values and decide what ones you would like to have:

below is a list of core values. Go through the list and decide what ones you would like to have, some of them overlap each but you will get the gist of the main ones.

Developed by; W. Huitt, Valdosta State University; Last modified; October 2003

Download the Above List from here

With the list above just tick the ones you like and then whittle it down to a list of 10 or so core values.

Start living your core values

You will most likely have some of the values you have ticked from the above list and are already living them however there will be other ones which you are not living but would like to start living. Start putting them into practice immediately and start aligning yourself with your new values.

An example of this could be the value of Hard-working; if you’ve previously been a lazy so and so and not too bothered about your quality of work start telling yourself that you are hard working and care about your work and take actions that show this. The more you do this the more hard working you will become and the more your new core value is imprinted in your mind. Does that sound too easy? that’s because it is easy. The hard part is uncovering a value you would like to become aligned to.

What are your core values?

It would be great to know your stories about your core values and how you have managed to change them or just leave a comment and let us know what your core values are. you never know how much your story could change someone else’s life.

Self Esteem refers to the overall beliefs, opinions we have about ourselves; the judgments we make, the value we place on ourselves as individuals. It involves the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness from the ability to think/deal with the issues life.

Self-esteem fluctuates and it’s affected by a series of encounters and events with other people. Each of us is unique in our own way and we possess various strengths and limitations.
These factors create our framework and as we seek to change or develop them, we move towards a higher level of self awareness and self acceptance.

Building/developing ones self esteem centers on being realistic: Taking a cautious and practical view of your goals, ambitions and desires.

My ‘prescriptions’ are as follows:

Identify the areas for development

This involves building on areas of strength, comfort, craft etc. One important fact of self development is identifying what you are good at. Do things which require little or no effort from you, things which make you feel better about yourself, things which make use of your own special talents and abilities. The result: a huge boost in energy levels and an increase in the level of self confidence.

In areas were you experience limitations; find out your insecurities, lack of confidence in these areas and the motivation for a change. Make only one change at a time, always checking your progress report before making further changes.

Feel good about yourself

• Always feel good about who you are (positively), where you are now and display confidence about what to look forward to in the future.
• Avoid excessive self criticism because over time, constant negative feelings result in negative affirmations.
• Spoil yourself occasionally, it won’t hurt!!!!.
• Give yourself a pat on the back, appreciating where you’ve come from, what challenges or obstacles you’ve faced on the journey.
• Take time to rest and not push it, particularly when things come to a stand still and there’s of wall of confusion around you. ‘LEARNING NEW THINGS REQUIRES PATIENCE, TIME AND DILIGENCE.’

Be Clear About What You Want

This is where being clear about your goals is very important. I have always advocated setting realistic goals. One of the major disputes I’ve had with several life coaches is creating unrealistic expectations in the minds of people and the end result is depression, disappointments, low self esteem etc.

In simple terms ‘YOU CAN’T BE THE NEXT DAVID BECKHAM, WHEN YOU CAN’T KICK OR DRIBBLE THE BALL.’

• You need to sit down and make a list of your abilities.
• Create the goals in stages.
• Be proactive, initiative and decisive about what you want.
• Be realistic about the time frames of your goals. ‘Low standards gives rise to little achievements while perfectionism undermines the pleasure derived in your exceptional achievements.’
• Think about how people you come in contact with assist you in reaching the desired goals.

Build your personal and physical appearance

• Fix up look sharp: Dress smartly and decently. It doesn’t mean you have to buy expensive clothes all the time but look ‘cut out’, creating a good first impression.
• Avoid being sluggish:It is said ‘people with confidence walk briskly and quickly because they are time conscious, have targets to achieve and deadlines to meet.
• Exercise often: You’d notice I didn’t say go the GYM. Some people are comfortable going to the gym, others prefer jogging, walking…… Any form of physical exercise is okay as long as you stay in shape. ‘Being in shape’ is relative; I believe a lot of people feel unattractive, insecure and less confident when they are out of shape.
• Remain Thankful: Be thankful for things you have, people who love you and have spent time impacting your life.
• Eat Wisely: Pay attention to what you eat. Remember ‘YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!!!’

I intend to continue from where I stopped in my next post, but in the meantime it would be lovely to note your ‘prescriptions’.