Someone I know well hates appointments from the bottom of his heart. She really hates to agree on a certain time and date in the future to meet someone or to do something.

When I examined how she reacts before appointments I found that she constantly keeps telling herself that she won’t catch the appointment on time and so she feels extremely stressed and overwhelmed.

Because each time she arranges an appointment to do something she feels stressed and overwhelmed she started to hate appointments.

She wasn’t aware that this is the reason why she hates them but all she knew was that arranging appointments was the last thing she wants to do in life.

In short, we don’t hate tasks, people or our jobs but we hate the emotions we experience while doing them.

Ask any person who hates his job to give you more details and you will soon find that he hates it because of the emotions he experiences while doing the job (maybe an amount of stress that he can’t handle or the fear of the arrogant boss who is managing him)

If that person learned how to manage his stress or to control his fear he won’t hate his job anymore!!

The psychology of hatred

The first day Sam went to college he was bullied by one of his colleagues in front of everybody.

When Sam went to sleep that day his mind kept wondering of the possible solutions to the bullying problem he faced. One of the suggested solutions by Sam’s mind came in the form of day dreaming where he saw himself kicking that bully and beating him up in front of everyone

But since the bully was stronger than Sam the suggestion was rejected and so Sam’s mind found no way to avoid the bullying pain but to keep Sam away of that guy.

Sam’s mind decided to let him experience bad feelings upon seeing the bully or even when expecting him to show up just to keep him away from him, these bad feelings are otherwise known as “Hatred”

People Hate others when they find themselves helpless

Didn’t you just notice something about the operation of the mind?

When the subconscious mind doesn’t find any solution to a certain problem it uses hatred as a final resort.

People hate their bosses because they can’t shout at them

People hate their jobs much if they can’t find alternatives

People hate things when these things harm them and they find themselves unable to defend themselves

In short, the next time you discover that someone hates you, make sure that he is feeling helpless. Instead of feeling bad or thinking that you are not worthy of being loved you should feel sorry for that helpless person.

When I asked my friends to tell me their opinion about the movie requiem for a dream some of them said that it was the most depressing movie they ever saw, after all the movie discusses shattered dreams and people who were never able to reach their goals.

What’s strange is that some people found the movie extremely motivating and even inspiring so the question is, how can a depressing movie motivate some people and depress others??

In order to understand this puzzling fact you have first to know some information about the psychology of motivation.

The psychology of emotions

When we watch a movie our subconscious identifies with the heroes and makes us believe that we are in their shoes.

Why do you think you become afraid when you watch a horror movie even though you are safe inside the cinema? It’s because your subconscious mind believes that you are facing the same dangers that the hero is facing and that’s why you become afraid.

Research has also shown that people’s facial expressions transfer their emotions to us and let us feel what they are feeling, that’s one strong reason you feel really bad when you see a poor homeless person in the street.

The person’s facial expressions transferred to you some of the misery he is feeling and that’s why you felt bad. Now back to the movie, when watching the heroes act their emotions are transferred to you and they became empathic with them.

The psychology of motivation

Up until now its clear why do we experience different emotions inside the theatre but still we didn’t answer the question, why do some people become motivated while others lose hope?

The concept that explains this well is called “Negative motivation” or “Away from motivation” which states that people can be motivated by wanting to avoid something that they dislike.

A man can exercise in order to look good while another one can exercise in order not to look bad. The second man is a clear example of negative motivation and how can It affect our behavior.

Now when some people saw the misery that happened to the people of the movie requiem for a dream they became motivated not to be like them and that’s why the movie inspired them.

Everything is now clear but why some people never became motivated?? Negative motivation only works when you have a clue about the action you should take in order to solve your problem.

If a parent scolded his child to study without giving him the books the child will become depressed while if they gave him the books he will become motivated to study from them.

In short, people who become motivated after being exposed to negative motivation are those who already know the actions they should take in order to solve their problems but for some reasons they weren’t motivated.

The conclusions

These findings lead to very important conclusions such as:

A simple organism swims along and enters a patch of acidic water. It reacts and swims away. For a patch of food-rich water, it swims in and enjoys the bounty. The condition of the water changes the behaviour of the organism. Our selves swim in a sea of thought. Change our thoughts and change our behaviour in a manner no less significant than water for the simple organism.

To quote Steve, “Change Your Thoughts is a place to visit to help you try and change your thinking patterns, behaviours, beliefs and thought processes to live the life you were truly born to live…” My guest post is about the organism between the sea of thoughts and the consequence behaviour – the human body.

Where do thoughts come from? If you say “your mind,” you speak a tautology. In a physical sense, in a neural, biochemical sense, what gives rise to thinking?

Changes to your body are the essence of experience. And in the right context, specifically with the right kind of central nervous system and brain, the changes are the raw material for experience. Body changes are the precursors feelings, thoughts, consciousness and the persist sense of self we think of as our essence.

Hold your breathe.

What happens?

You start turning blue. Your body’s oxygen meter registers a decline in available oxygen and triggers various reactions designed to get you to breathe. If you hold your breathe long enough, you pass out. Then your body resumes breathing.

Don’t blink.

What happens?

I tried several times while watching the timer on my iPhone. The longest I lasted before blinking was 23 seconds. Even then, tears welled in my eyes after just a few seconds as if I were crying. My body strove to take care of its eyes even as I wilfully caused distress.

Our bodies are filled with the equivalent of thermostats for every conceivable system of internal regulation. Readings of “too hot” generate body changes much as the expansion of the thermostat spring turns on the air conditioner. The systems or our bodies respond whenever we push the meter outside a prefigured comfort zone.

We can screech, pinch our skin, lick our dirty feet, frown for a long time, and spin around until we puke. Each action sets off some regulatory response. We cower, yelp, feel disgust, become sad, or throw up.

(Twirling around affects the inner ear and creates a sensation similar to the disorientation cause by many natural poisons. We vomit after spinning to expel possible poison.)

If each body-regulation system was pixel on a screen, these systems would display an image of amazing size, complexity and color depth. The screen for this giant image is called a neural map.

When our body perceives an object (which could be physical, like a snake, or mental, like the notion of snakes on a plane), the neural-map image changes. The more salient the object, the more significant the change in the imagery. But how do we have a mental experience of these neural, biochemical changes?

(I am going to speak about prominent, well studied, neuro-scientific theories of consciousness as if they were fact. A fascinating book, by a leading neuroscientist in this field, is Looking for Spinoza: Joy, Sorrow, and the Feeling Brain, by Antonio Damasio.)

We have a sixth sensory “organ,” a sixth way to perceive information, a ghost sense if you will. We have a second neural map which records the changes to a small and varied portion of the comprehensive neural map of the body. It is the mental equivalent of a physical eye ball, optic nerve and associated brain systems. Like eyesight, this second neural map notices only a few things, a small range of ‘color,’ fixates on change, and is given to significant distortion and bias.

This second map records an ongoing sequence of body-state changes from the point of view of the body. It’s like a mirror for a mirror. The second mirror/map reflects (with all its distortions and biases) the content of the first mirror/map. The first mirror/map in turn reflects the content of the second.

These two reflections are highly combinatorial and recursive, the necessary ingredients for infinite experience and infinite expression. Together, the comprise a system of one body, one point of view, one emerging collection of feelings and thoughts, one mind. These maps detail a ghost for each body.

What do we do to care for our ghost? When we intentionally change our thoughts, we are tending to its mind, much as a therapist attends to the mental life of a client.

The client has a real body, and our phenomenal ghost has a real body. Change the body, change the ghost. The neuroscience of emotion invariably highlights the significant of the body-mind connection.

Thoughts are mental objects. When we think them, our body changes (see the NYTimes article about embodied emotion).

Think about a moment when you felt intense despair. What specific event or circumstance would give rise to the belief, “I should have known better!”

How did your body change? Try the imagery again and pay attention. What are the body sensations of: “I should have known better!”

For me, I frown. My heart is in my throat. My eyes feel like they want to cry. If I add voice, I might wail, “why me!?” I feel a tinge of nausea as if my chest were hollow. My skin crawls around my shoulders and feels chilled. These sensations are unnerving.

If we change our thoughts at this moment, we block changes to the body. We simply turn off the experience. We avoid pain rather than provide healing.

What heals?

How does your body feel when you are at peace with the unpredictability and unknowability of life? Try to evoke body sensations for this idea. It’s a lot harder, and the sensations are fleeting. These are the sensations of homeostasis, of wellness, of – from the body’s perspective – finding home.

I believe our sixth sense is much more sensitized to threats, problems and the experience of our own failings. These cognitions are ‘visceral,’ because they change the body. After a shocking thought, we might hold our breathe and stare in alarm. The red lights flash on the first neural map, and are second neural map is vigilant to this color.

Like a fish not noticing water, we have a hard time noticing the sensations of healthy regulation. When a body-system is well regulated, it might generate a neural image hardly noticed by the second map. This sixth sense notices distress rather than wellness.

Monks practice compassion-mediations for years to develop the capacity to the access this state by choice. From the perspective of our sixth sense, compassion is a wispy, ghosty sensation spoilt by the interruption of almost any other emotion. Cultivating the ability to evoke emotions of well being and peace are not just elements of personal development, but rather they are (in a strong, neurological sense) significant sources of comfort and healing.

If we can re-mind our body of such positive sensations before or after moments of torment, we are reminding it how to get home. The body’s journey home often takes time, as healing does, but on the way, our thoughts get better too.

Change your body*, change your thoughts, change your life.

*Thoughts, of course, can change the body.

My first foray into the world of comedy happened in November 2007. We had a practise session in front of a cosy audience, of just 15 people, to prepare for a larger event the following month. I had written six minutes of material and for the whole of my set I got just one measly laugh; well, it wasn’t so much a laugh as it was a courteous token chuckle. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like being in front of people telling jokes and seeing only blank expressions in return.

I was upset but I chose not to give up! I bought a book that really helped me get a better understanding of how to construct jokes and how to deliver them. Six weeks later we had our first proper gig for which we had rave reviews and raised nearly £700 for charity. We had 150 people come when we only had 100 tickets to give away. We even had people sneak in while we were performing.

So why would a timid soul like myself enter the world of stand-up comedy I hear you ask? Well, deep down it was something I always wanted to try, but I never really gave it a second thought until one of my coaching clients wanted to become a world famous comedian.

I helped him forge a path and one day he asked me if I’d like to try it out too. I thought, why not?! I had a strong belief that it would help me become a better public speaker; little did I know what other additional amazing gifts it would give me. That is why I encourage more people to give it a try. Fail or succeed, the endless treasures are the equivalent of a personal development junky whose Christmases have all come at once!

Here are ten such extraordinary gifts you get from doing stand-up:

1. Surprisingly Enough, Humour!

“A word to the wise isn’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

My friends always considered me a funny chap, but not of the ‘witty’ kind, they laughed at me rather than with me. I didn’t mind, any source of laughter is good with me, but I did want to learn how to be funny when surrounded by people. The first and foremost obvious point is that it helps make you more humorous. What it also teaches you is what is not funny. You begin to understand the mechanics of what makes people laugh. With that skill comes great power. No longer will you be the only one laughing at your own jokes.

2. Syntax Error

“I hope I didn’t brain my damage!” – Homer Simpson

Sometimes, all humour requires is the words to be placed in the wrong order. Whatever the order, comedy has taught me something very powerful in that, the order of words can have a massive impact on the message it conveys. If you’re not getting your point across take a look at your syntax. Have a play with the words and see what strange bizarre concoctions you can come up with. Syntax is the covert gift of stand-up.

3. Elite Confidence

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres

There’s nothing quite like that feeling of being in front of an audience and having everyone’s attention on you. Having all those eyes locked on you and you being at the centre of attention….and then falling off the stage. Yep! That has happened to me…twice! If you discount those two confidence shattering experiences, generally speaking, having everyone focussed on you and getting everyone to laugh with you is very powerful. It will take your confidence to a new level. You will still feel the nerves, but you will be much better equipped to handle them.

4. Energy Gauge

“All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

Most people in the audience want you succeed. The ones who don’t, don’t worry about them, just turn around, bend over and let them have a good smooch! Either way you will feed off the energy you receive. You will sometimes have great audiences who just laugh at anything you say or do. Sometimes you get serious audiences who are hard work. You will learn to gauge the energy of your audience very quickly. I once prepared some new material and arrived at the venue and I knew straight away that it wasn’t going to work. So, if you have that information beforehand, you can be much better prepared.

5. Style & Flare

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” – George Carlin

Everyone has a style; you may just not know yours yet. I’ve experimented with a few: Dead pan, sarcastic, blue, etc., and I know now that that style of speaking that works for me is being jovial. The audience is the biggest feedback mechanism and you will learn a lot by the way they respond to you. Their response will help you discover when you are congruent with the style that best works for you.

6. Nifty Breath control

“I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.” – Steve Martin

Generally when I step in front of crowds my lungs do that crazy thing where they try and hold onto air like it’s a scarce commodity, a bit like honest politicians. It’s one thing I still haven’t understood how to fully overcome but one thing comedy did was teach me the power of the ‘pause’. Sometimes the pause can be very powerful and convey more than the words themselves. I used it to great effect recently when doing a speech at a wedding. Silence is powerful; knowing when to use it, is even more so!

7. Humble Pie

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.” – Rowan Atkinson

When you’re in front of an audience of 400 people and there’s only one crazy old codger in the front row, with his front teeth missing, cracking up, that truly is a humbling experience. You know that no matter how good you get, there will be times when you, as we say in showbiz, totally bomb! It serves as a beautiful reminder that we are all fallible human beings and sometimes, shit happens.

8. Stress Release

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception” – Groucho Marx

When you’re on a roll, you can laugh with the audience then that laughter becomes contagious. I realised that by doing comedy I was doing a great service to the world. I was helping people let go of their stress poke fun at the things we take so seriously sometimes. One of my first main gags was some toilet humour. Later that evening, during the break, one of my friends told me she was in the loo and people were in there laughing at my gag, doing exactly what I was talking about. What an incredible gift; me being on people’s minds when on the khazi!

9. Dealing with Uncertainty

“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.” – Tommy Cooper

No matter how good you become at doing stand-up you never truly know how the gig is going to go. Before every event I still feel those nerves of uncertainty. But that’s a blessing, not only does it keep me humble it also allows me to practise one of the most important techniques in personal development that I’ve ever come up with. I say to myself: ‘No matter the outcome, I will remain happy and learn from the experience’.

10. Giggles in Solitude

“English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!” – Homer Simpson

This part is one of my favourites of all! Sometimes, when I’m in a cafe writing my material, I’ll come up with a gem of a joke and start giggling to myself almost kind of like I’m an evil genius plotting to take over the world and I’ve found my ultimate evil dominance plan! People might give me strange looks; but I don’t care, because that kind of laughter is the most genuine and best feeling kind of all!

Join all those points together and you have the power to totally captivate an audience. I bet you’ll never look at stand-up comedians the same way again. Now that you know, do you feel like giving it a go?

“Comedy IS not what you’d expect” – Amit Sodha (ahem)

At any single time, you are only able to either take in input, or put out output. Talking while you are listening is not doable in any useful form, and any variation of this will leave you tired very quickly. Accepting this concept is helpful for you to break up your time into manageable chunks.

Output Is The Name Of The Game

Your first priority has to be on your output. All the things we see around us are are based on some one’s output. Those people certainly had much input and knowledge obtained to be able to create, but they eventually did create. In the same way, you have to mainly be thinking about your time spent working on output.

For a freelance electrician, that means time spent doing electrical work. While an electrician could spend their time talking to other electricians and hearing what they have to say, or reading electrical books, or watching videos about cool electrical appliances, the real deal for them is doing electrical work.

For a student, putting out research papers might be the output that is needed. If this is the case, then repeating the experiment an extra time just for fun, or reading research papers on a similar topic, or doing unrelated writing might be enjoyable to do in some way, but it isn’t what is needed for output. Time has to be set and used for writing and crafting the research paper(s). We have to remember what “done” means, as David Allen would put it.

Input Is Fine As Long As It Is Controlled

Taking in input, like reading something, hearing some one’s story, watching a video, or so on, is just fine, as long as you control the duration and effects of the input. Letting the input control you is not the way to go. It might not be as leisurely or enjoyable, but you’ve got to take in input with a sense of purpose, such as by remembering that you are watching a certain video to learn a concept, or reading a certain chapter to check for a relation to your own life. We get as much out of what we see as we are prepared for, so you want to prepare for input and remain in control.

As long as you make sure to properly separate your periods of input and output, and keep a healthy amount of output in place, you will not get overtaken by input overload or any variation of it that puts you into a trance. Too much input without usage of it is like putting more and more charcoal into a barbecue grill, and not lighting the charcoal on fire. The fire, or output, is the goal.

As 2010 continues, leaving the hype of the New Year behind, I’m beginning to reflect upon why we as people are so adverse to change. Even with all of these blogs, countless self help books, a plethora of case studies, most of us still find it difficult to really change. Every year we make resolutions, only to break them no more than three months later.

We trust that the spirit of the New Year will guide us towards success, only to find ourselves in the same rut we were last year… and the year before that… and the year before that. It’s this never ending cycle that refuses to let us go. Or in other words, we refuse to let it go.

The culprit of ineffective change

There’s a name for this cycle. It can be commonly referred to as routine. The actions that we perform day in and day out fall under this cycle, for better or for worse. It helps us get through our daily lives, feed our families, and stay current on mortgage payments. Or it keeps us in a never-ending chain of boredom, forcing us to constantly watch TV, stay safe by living too much within our means, and not bother stick to our weight-loss program.

Why is routine so hard to break?

Simple. First, start by asking yourself how we get into routines in the first place. Most of you will answer that, well, you simply got used to it. The actions in a routine become second nature. It got comfortable. And this, my friends, is the reason.

When we get comfortable, we get lazy. Routines tell your mind and body that there’s no need to change. It is because of this that when we do something different (mostly in the form of a New Year’s resolution) we tend to drift back to our routines.

Can I have some “change”?

There’s no easy way to say this, but the only way to start changing who you are is to practice free will. You have to actively choose to change. That means back it up with perceivable action. For example, if you’re trying to lose weight, you might want to keep a diary and record how many fruits, vegetables, and junk food you’ve been eating. You’ll want to keep the fruit and veggies count high, and the junk food count fairly low. It’s a simple yet effective way to gauge your change in diet.

Change is not easy

Mind you, change is hard, especially when been in a routine for many years. But you have to find ways to make the changing process fun if you want to be successful at it. Be creative. Don’t see “being more outgoing” as a long, sweaty slog through awkward conversation. See it as a learning experience. You’re meeting new people. Get happy! There a ton of different ways to start changing yourself, but it doesn’t start with a mere vocal commitment.

It starts with YOU.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson

I love to encourage others to start blogging, even if it is just as a means of self-discovery and free therapy. It’s true… blogging is incredibly effective as a method for handling our daily sources of stress and suffering.

Here’s why:

1. You find yourself constantly emptying your brain.

There is nothing worse than getting stuck inside your own head, in endless loops of self-defeating thoughts. When you are blogging, you get in the habit of writing things down in journals, notebooks, in the margins of your books, anywhere really. You observe something that happens in your life (or in your thoughts), you react on an personal level, and you write it down for a release. This is infinitely healthier than holding it all in.

2. It changes the way you view the world.

Once you start blogging, you begin to pay closer attention to the world around you. You notice the details, live in the present moment, and relish the life lessons, because these become the themes you will write about. You stop going through the motions, living your life on auto-pilot, and instead fully engage in everything that happens. This simple shift in your approach improves the quality of your life in unimaginable ways.

3. Blogging reminds you that you are not alone.

If you isolate yourself when you’re feeling down, you might find yourself thinking no one else out there could be as unfortunate as you are. By comparing yourself to all sorts of unrealistic standards and fantasies, you could easily become convinced that your life is hardly worth living.

But once you start writing about your issues, values, and concerns, and sharing them with the world, you’ll soon meet all sorts of people who “get” who you are, and where you’ve been. Communities form, friendships blossom, and as you start to feel understood, you cannot help but feel better about yourself.

4. Readers hold you accountable.

If you announce to your readers that you are going to lose 50 pounds, or quit smoking, or give up drinking, or donate $100 per day for the next 30 days, you are far more likely to do it than if you just think about these goals. You don’t want to have to report back to your readers that you failed, or gave up, or just got lazy.

Your readers become your cheerleaders and primary supporters, so you find yourself following through on your promises, dreams and goals (for a change). You stop feeling like a quitter, or a failure, and start enjoying your small victories. This gets you well on your way to greater victories down the road.

5. Helping others distracts you from your own issues.

Soon enough you will find yourself in the position of being a role model, friend, or therapist. The bonds you form through blogging run deep, and you end up helping your readers as much as they help you. As you become involved in their issues and challenges, you think less and less of your own. Once again, getting out of your own head minimizes the power of self-defeating thoughts. By helping others you allow new thoughts, positive thoughts, to take the place of the old, unhelpful ones. Optimism becomes your new, every day way of thinking.

So, even if you aren’t looking to become a career blogger, if you are struggling through personal challenges, or stressful situations, consider starting a free hobby blog as one of many possible techniques to help you get back on track.

What do you think? Is it worth a shot?

If you are a blogger, have you found this to be true?

“Ever since there have been human beings, they have given themselves over to too little joy. That alone my friends, is our original sin. I should only believe in a God who knows how to dance.” – Henri Matisse

Don’t we all want a little more joy in our lives? Living in our chaotic world it’s easy to get caught up in every emotion but joy.  Someone who is truly joyful doesn’t get hooked into what’s wrong with our world. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. It means they don’t live in fear. It’s impossible to be fearful and joyful at the same time.

Don’t allow tension, anxiety, depression or world events steal your joy.

How to feel joy and dance with life:

1. Call forth feelings of love and appreciation for yourself. Everybody has days when they feel unworthy of love. Think of a child you love and transfer those loving feelings to yourself. Let the warm and heartfelt feeling blanket you from head to toe.
2. Find pleasure in simple things. It’s easy to live a simple life when you can find appreciation for simple things. Feelings of lack come from overlooking the pleasure of a cold drink, a hug, a new book or a simple blade of grass.
3. Stay out of debt. Debt is one of the leading causes of emotional and psychological stress. Last year I decided to eliminate one purchase a month. In January it was designer coffee, in February it was magazines, in March it was new clothes and as the 2009 comes to an end I rarely have any unnecessary purchases.
4. How are you giving back to life? Do something altruistic and fun. This year we donated money to “Wounded Warriors” and “The Smile Train.” In 2010 we are going to work with wwww.peanutbutterplan.org. People gather to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and then hand them out to the homeless.
5. Forgive yourself and others. Is someone in your life you need to forgive and can’t or won’t for some reason? Become aware of the story you tell yourself about this person. Next, drop the story. Everyone deserves another chance. Resentment is like having a ball and chain around you ankle that weighs you down. Choose to begin with a clean slate each morning.
6. Eliminate gossip in your life. For the next 24 hours only speak positively about others. Tiger Woods and his family is an example of gossip gone wrong. In order for Tiger to heal his life he needs our support and prayers not our gossip and insane inquiry of details.
7. Avoid unhappy people. Refuse to be in the presence of people who bring you down or deplete your energy. Surrounding yourself with happy and successful people sounds selfish. It’s not. It’s one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.
8. Get off the pity pot. Drop your story about your past. It’s impossible to be happy if you blame others for your life circumstances. You aren’t responsible for what happened to you in your childhood. You are responsible for how you handle it today
9. Find hobbies that make time stand still. In our busy lives many of us don’t allow time to play or get creative. Pursuing a hobby is a joyful gift to your self.
10. Learn to accept constructive criticism. I was twenty two years old, out-of-control and an immature mother when my brother-in-law, Paul, looked me in the eyes and said, “you need help.” With a few months I decided to get counseling. Because I didn’t take it personally his comment changed my life.
11. Live by the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Being able to put myself in another’s shoes has allowed me to be kind, generous and caring when I haven’t wanted to be. We are all on the same path doing the best we know how to do.
12. Choose calm over drama. It’s easy to get caught up in what is going on around you. Inner peace is being able to remain centered in any kind of difficulty.
13. Focus on good. Begin every morning by writing down five things that are right in your world. Today I have my health, my home, a car that runs, food in my refrigerator and people who love me. When we focus on good it multiplies.
14. Change your routine. We are creatures of habit. Take an alternative route to work, change your cologne and sleep on the other side of the bed. This expands creativity and allows you see things in a different light.
15. Radiate positive energy. Decide each morning that you will make it a great day. Choose to smile, laugh and help others. Doing so adds truth and beauty to our world.
16. Be open to change. If you were brave what’s one thing you would do differently? Learn to be flexible and open to the opinions of others. Notice any resistance in your life. When we can embrace change fears fade away.
17. Learn to say “no.” Often we say “yes” out of obligation or guilt. I have learned to say, “No, that’s not going to work for me” when someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do. I never offer an excuse. Usually after repeating the line twice the other person backs down.
18. Read inspiring poetry and uplifting books. You always feel better when you do. This is why “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books are best sellers.
19. Move your body. Being active gets endorphins going and creates feel good energy. Our bodies are built for exercising. I saw a 79 year old man finish the iron man in Hawaii for the eleventh time in a row. I’ll never forget it.
20. Express love. Do you share your love with those around you? Often we don’t tell people how we feel about them. We think they “should know.” Maybe it’s uncomfortable for you to do so. Begin to practice telling others: I love you, I care about you, you are important to me. Hug and kiss when you greet the people who mean the most to you. Call somebody and tell them you are thinking of them. You have the power to uplift others. When you do so you are uplifted as well.

    We decide how much joy we experience every day. We decide weather we trudge or dance through life. Please share with us your thoughts below.

In what way do you give yourself away to “to too little joy?”

What would “understanding how to dance” look like in your life?”

What might you do to encourage others to “dance?”

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” (Lao Tzu)

Have you noticed that we live in a complex world? Every moment is filled to the brim with stimuli that vie for our attention. We manage by reacting to what’s in front of us, doing the next thing so we can keep our heads above water. When we live in this haphazard way, we find ourselves stumbling through life with minds disturbed by confusing thoughts, bodies in stress, and hearts heavy with anxiety and self-doubt.

We rarely, if ever, stop to think: What is my life really about?

Years ago, my friend, Jason, was offered an impressive job that included money, prestige, and influence. It was the kind of offer that most people thought he was crazy to turn down. Yet he did. From the outset, there was something that didn’t feel quite right. He spent two weeks filtering through the enticing aspects of the proposal until he finally became clear.

He realized that the people he would be working with were motivated by dominance and power, qualities at odds with his core values. He is now happily ensconced in a seemingly lower status position that affords him the greatest joy and fulfillment. Jason figured out what was important to him, then used it to inform his decision. He followed his heart.

Why Simplify Your Life

Knowing what is really important to us – and using this as a benchmark to guide our actions – brings tremendous simplicity to the millions of decisions, large and small, that we make every day. When your life expresses what you truly want for yourself, you experience:

• A sharp and clear mind. When you act according to what you want your life to be about, you only have to think about a decision once. You don’t need to clog the mind by deliberating, justifying, or second-guessing yourself.
• Confidence. You are more committed to your decisions, making doubt and worry
  unnecessary, confusion obsolete.
• Conscious living. You get to be awake and grounded in the moments of your life rather than coasting through a mindless daily existence.
• Greater fulfillment. When you embody what is important to you, your life becomes infused with it, leading to more satisfaction and happiness

What Is Your Life About?

The starting point for knowing what you want your life to be about is to recognize what your life is actually about. How to know this? Not by coming up with a list of values or writing your life mission statement. The answer is simple: you know what your life is about by looking at how you spend your time.

If you chronicle the actions you take and the thoughts that occupy your attention over say, a 5-day span of time, you will know what your life is about.

What you will discover are the reasons why you feel depleted and unbalanced, why enjoyable work and gratifying relationships have eluded you. This method disables our tendencies to delude or justify ourselves. It requires the willingness to undertake an honest appraisal in the service of ultimately greater simplification, satisfaction, and joy.

What Do You Want Your Life to Be About?

Armed with the truth, you are in the ideal position to know what you want your life to be about. There are no prescriptions about what should be important to you, no right or wrong answers. You simply ask: “In this moment, what do I want my life to be about?” then wait for the response to appear.

The answer might be a core quality, such as truth, love, or peace, that permeates your life in general and/or a guideline that shifts dynamically, depending on the situation you are in. If you are about to sit down for a meal, making healthy choices might be your directive, whereas, if you are lolling about on the couch too long, the desire to spend your time in a more enriching way might be foremost in your mind.

Putting It into Action

Now, let your discovery guide your actions. In order for your life to actually be about what you want it to be about, you act in accord with what you discover when you ask the question.

At this point, anything can happen. If you are ready to initiate an argument or defend yourself against wrongdoing, maybe you will walk away, take a breath, or offer an olive branch. If you are obsessively repeating a story in your mind of self-pity or victimhood, maybe you will turn your attention to something more affirming. Maybe you will realize that a major life change is in order.

Aligning your actions with your deepest longings and desires might happen smoothly, or you may face a significant upheaval for some time. Fear is likely to come knocking on your door as you turn away from the status quo and consider actions that may be viewed as erratic or unpopular. Let courage inspire you.

In my own experience, becoming clear about what is important to me and committing to living it in every moment changed everything. The end of anxiety and confusion has revealed the flow of creativity, balance, and effortless joy. Clarify what you truly want, and watch your life shine.

“When deeds and words are in accord, the whole world is transformed.”
Chuang Tzu

What do you want your life to be about? What would need to change for your actions and deepest desires to be in alignment? I’d love to hear your reactions and insights.

About a year ago, I learned of the 4 Stages of Competence from a friend and business associate. This model has really helped me gauge and measure myself when learning new skills.  According to the model, you move from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence.

Here are the four stages:

1. Unconscious incompetence - The individual neither understands nor knows how to do something, nor recognizes the deficit, nor has a desire to address it. In short, you don’t know what you don’t know.

2. Conscious incompetence - Though the individual does not understand or know how to do something, he or she does recognize the deficit, without yet addressing it. This is the stage where you know what you don’t know.

3. Conscious competence - The individual understands or knows how to do something. However, demonstrating the skill or knowledge requires a great deal of consciousness or concentration. You know how to do it, but you have to think your way through it.

4. Unconscious competence - The individual has had so much practice with a skill that it becomes “second nature” and can be performed easily (often without concentrating too deeply). This is the stage where you can do it without thinking.  You just know what to do.

A good example of this is learning how to drive. When you first learn how to drive a manual stick shift, you very quickly learn that you don’t know how to do it (conscious incompetence).  As you practice you can start to think your way through it (the conscious competence stage).  As driving the stick shift becomes a habit for you, eventually you can drive without thinking, shifting gears effortlessly while you think about other things (unconscious competence.)

Another example I like is when I first learned how to type. My mom taught me from scratch and I remember practicing her method countless times. I built unconscious competence soon after and I could type pretty quick as a result. Today my skill to type quick really helps me a great deal and saves a lot of time.

Question: What skills have you learned where you applied the 4 stages of competence model?