I had never been so afraid to leave the house before. Could I really step out the door like this?

Finally, I worked up the courage to turn the doorknob with the hand that was wearing a weight lifting glove, open the door, and step outside. This was it, no turning back now.

What was wrong with me? Why was I so afraid to go outside?

You see, I wasn’t always an agoraphobe. I was only terrified because of what I was wearing at the time.

I had on a stocking cap, a pair of coke bottle glasses I had from childhood, a red button-up collared shirt with a yellow T-shirt from a bachelor party on over it that proudly read, “Big Mistake” on it below a picture of two newlyweds. I wore a pair of grey shorts (it was winter at the time) held up by rainbow belt that somehow found its way into my wardrobe, one black dress shoe with a white sock, and one white tennis shoe with a black sock. And of course, the lone weight lifting glove on my right hand.

I was a fashion abomination.

What is it that drives an otherwise average guy to put on the most horribly mismatched clothes he could find in his closet and go for a walk on a cold winter evening?

Frankly, I was frustrated and fed up. I had always been shy and reserved. Everyone knew me as the quiet guy. I never spoke up at meetings at work, I had a hard time making friends, and I wasn’t exactly what you’d call a Don Juan with the ladies.

I was afraid of being the center of attention. It scared me to death. The thought that everyone;s eyes would be on me made my hands sweat and butterflies churn in my stomach.

And to be honest, this was the best idea I could think up. I figured if I could put myself in a situation where there was no way to back down and stay in my comfort zone, then surely I could overcome this fear.

As I walked down the street, I couldn’t help but feel very anxious. I saw a couple in front of me, headed my way. I fidgeted, trying to tuck my gloved hand into my pocket to hide it, only to realize that it revealed more of my bachelor party T-shirt. And, of course, there was no way to hide my mismatched shoes.

I braced myself and I walked past them, preparing for some kind of snide comment or snickering. But it didn’t come. They didn’t seem to pay any attention to me whatsoever.

I breathed a sigh of relief and marched on, turning to go up to a somewhat busy street filled with shops and bars.

Once I hit the main street, my anxiety was really screaming at me. “Go back home where it’s safe!” It told me. “Why are you doing this stupid thing? What if you run into someone you know?”

But I knew that if I was ever going to overcome my shyness and get used to stepping out of my comfort zone, I had to keep going.

I marched down the main street, walking by bars, restaurants, and coffee shops. I was worried that a passing stranger on the street, or a group of people having a smoke outside would see me as I walked by and say something. It was clear that I was drawing attention, but no one said anything.

It was at about this point, that a switch seemed to flip inside my mind. Suddenly, I wasn’t scared of this anymore. Instead, I felt… excited!

I actually wanted to get some kind of reaction of someone as I walked past them. I actually felt disappointed when I wouldn’t get any reaction at all. I purposefully crossed the street just to walk by more people at times, but still nothing. I couldn’t believe this, but I actually went from completely dreading being the center of attention to actually going out of my way to be it.

I finally returned home about an hour later after having a blast doing something that scared me to death not too long ago. Over the next few days, my fear was completely gone. I felt more compelled to speak up, push myself further, and pursue things that used to scare me.

That night, I realized that fear and excitement were actually the same feeling, we merely label one as a bad thing and the other as a good thing. You can easily transform fear by changing your perception of it (or apparently wearing a bunch of hideous clothes and going for a walk).

Have you ever done something crazy like this to break through a limiting belief (or am I just insane)?

Either way, if you ever see me walking down the street, I hope you stop and say “hi” no matter how strange my clothing might be.

Ever feel like your dreams are never going to become a reality?

It’s not like you’ve completely given up on your dreams. You occasionally think about how awesome it would be if you achieved them, but there are so many other things in the way.

Your job. Your boss. Your kids. Your parents. Your finances. Your mortgage.

All of these problems… I mean, responsibilities.

So you’re afraid of taking the leap of faith.

Afraid of what people will think if you quit your job.

Afraid of going bankrupt.

Afraid of falling behind in the rat race.

Afraid of not being able to provide for your family.

Afraid of not living up to the expectations of others.

Afraid of not living up to your own expectations.

Afraid of failing.

No one wants to be irresponsible, and everyone feels afraid sometimes. But does that mean it’s impossible to realize your dreams?

Of course not. The Michael Jordans, Steve Jobs’, Oprah Winfreys and Mark Zuckerbergs of the world show us that dreams can come true.

“But those people are so much more talented, so much more charismatic, so much luckier than me… I could never be like them,” you might be thinking.

It’s true—you might never be like them. Your dream might not be as big or impressive as theirs.

Your dream might just be to own a house. It might be to start a flower shop. It might be to write a novel. It might be to send your kids to college.

It’s not the size of your dream that matters. It’s the pursuit of your dream that turns your life into a thrilling adventure, an exhilarating story. That’s what really matters.

In this post, I’m not going to tell you about the huge changes you need to make in your life in order to achieve your dreams.

Instead, I’m going to share with you what you ought to stop doing. These are things we all do on occasion—things that quietly sabotage our dreams, sap our energy, and make us less alive.

Don’t do these things:

1. Say “I wish” or “I hope”: Whenever you do this, you put yourself in a mindset where the situation is beyond your control. What you can do as an alternative is turn your wishes and hopes into goals. For example, don’t say, “I wish my boss would give me flexible working hours.” Instead, set a goal that you’re going to have a conversation with your boss within the next three days about establishing flexible working hours. When you set goals, you choose to focus on what you can do to improve your circumstances, which is very empowering.
2. Complain: This is a favorite pastime for many people. There are always things to complain about: the weather, the economy, the healthcare system, the guy who sat next to you on the bus and hummed a really annoying song… but when you complain, you’re not making your circumstances any better. Instead of complaining, think about the many things you have to be grateful for. I recommend wearing a rubber band around your wrist. Whenever you’re about to complain, snap the rubber band as a reminder not to.
3. Blame others: If you want to achieve your dreams, you’re going to need to take full responsibility for your life. That means no blaming your parents, friends, relatives or bad luck for where you are in life. Recognize that some things are beyond your control, but take responsibility for the way every situation turns out.
4. Think of reasons why you shouldn’t take action: There will always be plenty of them. Think of all the positive things that might happen if you take action today.
5. Settle: Settling for second best is a sure way to prevent yourself from reaching your dreams. This applies to your relationships, finances, career and physical health. Decide that you’re going to create a masterpiece out of your life. Don’t give in to the allure of a comfortable but mediocre existence.
6. Procrastinate: You can probably think of at least one thing you can do immediately that will bring you closer to your dream. There’s never a perfect time to take action, so do what you can right now.
7. Hang out with toxic people: It’s been said that you’re the average of the five people you spend most of your time with. Hang out with negative, critical and judgmental people, and you’ll become just like them in no time. Those aren’t traits you associate with people who make their dreams come true.
8. Say “I should”: When you say you “should” learn a new language, start writing a book, or go for a public speaking course, it’s unlikely that you’ll actually do it. Say, “I choose to” instead. This makes you realize that everything in life is a choice. You really do have the power to choose, and to turn your dreams into reality.
9. Compare yourself to others: There will always be people out there who are better looking, smarter and more capable than you. But you’re not trying to achieve their dreams; you’re trying to achieve yours. Think about the characteristics that make you special and unique, and about how you can use them to accomplish your dream.
10. Watch so much TV: The same applies for going on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. If you’re not careful, these can become major time sucks. Most surveys show that the average American watches more than four hours of TV a day. I hope that statistic scares you. Imagine how much you closer you could get toward achieving your dream if you spent those four hours every day doing something more fruitful. I’m not suggesting that you go cold turkey, but set a daily limit for yourself and use a timer to make sure you stick to that limit.
11. Say “I don’t have time”: Do you make time to watch your favorite TV show? Do you make time to update your Facebook status? Do you make time to eat? We all make time for the things that are important to us. If you find yourself saying you “don’t have time” to do something you know you ought to, you need to reorder your priorities.
12. Say “yes” to everyone: Many people find it impossible to say “no” to requests and opportunities, even ones that aren’t in line with their values and goals. If you say “yes” to everyone, you’re effectively settling for good, when what you really want is great. The path of greatness is the path of intentional abandonment of everything good, in pursuit of only the best. Think carefully before agreeing to any request.
13. Try to be perfect: I’m not perfect, and neither are you. Accept yourself fully—achievements, strengths, weaknesses, failures, flaws and all. You don’t have to be perfect to realize your dreams, but you do need to be committed to personal growth. You can only begin that journey when you accept yourself completely for who you are
14. Try to please everyone: Like the saying goes, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” Your dreams are personal. You’re not pursuing them to garner applause from the people around you or from society. Don’t make the mistake of trying to make everyone happy, because that’s impossible. So don’t even try.
15. Deprive yourself of sleep: When you don’t feel your best, you’re more likely to make impulsive decisions that aren’t in your long-term interests. If you want to achieve your dreams, you’ll definitely have to make short-term sacrifices for long-term gain. If you’re sleep-deprived, you probably won’t have the willpower to make the right decision.

I haven’t achieved all of my dreams. Far from it, in fact.

I do know, however, that pursuing your dreams isn’t easy. Somewhere along the way, you’ll want to quit. You’ll want to run away. You’ll want to go back to your comfortable, familiar, boring life.

But I beg you not to. The world needs adventurers who are fully alive. Most people are barely surviving, barely making it through each day. Don’t be one of them.

Dream big. Start small. Act now—right now.

Many times in our daily lives, we face situations, where we should say “no” to a request. However, we find it to be a very difficult thing to do.

We are afraid to think what others are saying if we decline. We might also think that saying “no” will hurt our relationship with that other person – permanently.

In most of the cases, those fears are unnecessary. They are just our imagination and in reality, nothing scary will happen, if we turn a request down.

Why you should decline from a request

There are many reasons why you should decline to do something, if you are being asked to.

• Increased productivity
Saying “no” will increase your productivity, because you are not accepting any new work that would possibly distract you. Also, you are able to focus to your current tasks better, which ensures that they get done.

• Keep the deadlines
You are much more likely to keep your deadlines if you say “no”.

For example, if you are about to deliver some work to a client, you want to keep the agreed deadlines. Saying “yes” to an external request might potentially increase your workload so much, that you don’t have enough capability of handling all the work in time.

• You are in control of your life
If you have difficulties of saying “no”, then in the worst case others may take advantage of your kindness.

However, if you decide to say “no”, you are in control your life – not others. You decide what task to accept, what meetings to attend or what activities to participate on your free-time.

• You are true to your core values
We all have core values that we live our life by. For example, honesty is one of those values that is very important for me. That’s why I would find difficult to commit to an activity, which requires me to lie.

Your inner voice will most likely advice you to say “no”, whenever your values are going to be violated.

• Less stress
Closely related to productivity, saying “no” is also one way of decreasing your stress levels. When you are not overloaded with work and tight schedules, you have much less stress to handle.

That in turn affects positively to your well-being and happiness.

The right way to decline

Now that you learned about the benefits of saying “no”, you should also understand the different ways of saying “no” the right way.

These are the ways I have used myself. Although I’m not saying that declining becomes effortless by applying these tips, it still becomes easier.

1. Evaluate the situation
When someone comes to you and asks you to do something, you have to evaluate the situation first.

Obviously, if the situation is critical and the other person is depending on your help (for example in a traffic accident), then it is natural to answer “yes”.

However, in normal, everyday situations the request is most likely much less severe (your colleague asks you to come for a drink after work), so you have both the options “yes” and “no” at your disposal.

Also, you most likely have more time to come up with a justification why you are going to say “no”.

2. Be discreet, but firm
I tend to start my “no” answer in the form of “Unfortunately I’m unable to …” and then follow with the justification, why I’m not able to fulfill the request.

The main point here is to say “no” in a polite, but firm manner. Some people are very rude in their replies when they decline and that kind of behavior leaves me cold every time.

Although in those cases the message (denial) comes very clear, I still prefer the softer and more polite way of saying things.

3. Say your opinion clearly enough
Truly mean what you say. Your answer should be a definite “no”, not a “maybe”. Don’t leave other people wondering what you mean by your answer.

Say your answer in a clear and loud enough manner, so that the other person understands your point at once.

4. Be honest
When you say “no”, be honest with your reasonings. Don’t make up reasons why you are not willing to fulfill the request. When you are caught lying, it is embarrassing to yourself.

Also, if the other person happens to be your colleague or friend that you lied to, it will have negative consequences to your relationships.

5. Be selfish
This last point is perhaps the most important one when it comes to saying “no”. The thing is that

if the other person has a right to present you a request, you have the equal right to say “no” as an answer.

Also, you should also reflect your own situation to that request before you answer; Are you willing to fully commit to it, does it fit to your schedules and are you capable of handling the request in the first place.

Conclusion

I try to keep these tips and techniques as my guidelines when I evaluate a request – and when I decide to say “no”.

It is understandable, that saying “no” is not the easiest thing to do at times. But at the same time, if you are polite and honest, it is much easier this way.

However, this doesn’t mean that I’m saying “no” all the time. In fact, sometimes you have to say “yes” as an answer. This depends of course from the situation you are in.

By carefully evaluating the situation first before answering, is the right way to move on in that that scenario.

If you’d like to become a winner, you’re not alone. Winners are the icing on the cake of society, the cherry in the cocktail of life and overall just the coolest people on earth.

But what is a “winner”, actually? Is Bill Gates a winner? How about Mother Theresa? Or Gandhi? What about Vincent van Gogh, who hardly sold any paintings during his life time? Can you be declared a winner in retrospect? And who declares the winners in the first place?

Ah… hold on. I think we may finally have found the right question: Who declares the winners?

Is it God? Does he point his finger to draw a line between winners and losers? Or maybe it’s a highly regarded group of success gurus who make the decision? Do they publish a list of winners online? And do you have to buy their training course to earn your winner badge?

What about your friends? Surely, what they think of you must be right? But what if you find new friends who think differently?

The one with the right to judge you

Darn… this is getting complicated. We might actually have to stop asking questions and start facing the truth. You might have to accept the harsh reality that there’s only one single person who has all the power to decide whether you’re a winner or not. Someone who can determine your fate, who has the right to judge you and who can change your life with his or her thoughts alone.

It’s you, of course. Which really doesn’t make things any easier. I mean, what are you supposed to think of yourself? Who tells you what you should think? Is it God? Or maybe a group of highly regarded — ok, let’s not go through all that again.

The bottom line is this: It’s all on you. You’re the only one who gets to decide and nobody else has the power to “help” you with your decision.

By now, we realise that our starting question doesn’t quite fit. “Are you a winner?” isn’t really a question anyone can answer. Why don’t we replace it with “Do you feel like a winner?”. If you’re the only who gets a say in this anyway, then your feelings and thoughts are all that matters, aren’t they?

So, do you feel like a winner? I certainly do. Sometimes. At other times, I feel like a total failure: weak, vulnerable and helpless.

My guess is that you’re like me. I think that you try to think well of yourself, and often succeed — but not always.

How to feel like a winner

To help you feel like a winner more often, I’d like to show you a little exercise that has helped me personally a lot. In order to do so, I’ll build on the exercise that Douglas Cartwright has suggested for changing the way we look at problems.

Here’s what to do:

Step 1:

In writing, make a list of your successes in life. Start with your childhood. How you learned

to swim, or to ride a bike. Then work your way up to today. Your first kiss, your high-school

graduation. The first job. Your first promotion. You get the picture.

Steps 2 – 1,000,000:

From now on, every time you experience a new success, read through the whole list again. Then

add the new success to the list.

This activity shifts your thinking significantly. Instead of registering your successes as isolated events, your mind will start to interlink them.

As a result, you don’t just think “Wow, I’ve achieved a success” whenever you have a success-experience. Instead, you think “Wow, I’m a successful person” — a winner.

How complete is your life? Can you say that you are 100% satisfied with the direction that your life is going, with your relationships, your goals and your health?

Some people call this type of life completion “control,” others call it “inner peace” but I call it “life balance.” It really doesn’t matter what you call it, the only thing that matters is whether you have it.

So, do you feel in balance today?

Imagine your ordinary day. How does it start? How many things do you accomplish during the day? How do your relationships unveil during the day? Do you spend enough time with the people you love and care about? At the end of the day do you feel that you have completed everything to make this day great or do you feel that you have accomplished a lot but still are missing something?

If you get a warm and pleasant feeling inside when you answer these questions you know that your life is in balance. If your mind starts racing and focusing on all the things that you haven’t completed then you know that you need to work on your life balance. Why not start today?

I communicate with a lot of people and way too often their lives remind me of a carrot chase. All day long they are busy doing things, working on projects, going somewhere and yet at the end of the day they feel broken down and even further away from their happy living than they were in the morning. No matter how fast they go or how much effort they produce they can never catch the carrot that they are chasing because it’s attached to their backs. Do you get the picture?

I must admit, sometimes I feel that I get into that carrot chase myself. A big work project, sudden illness of my kids, extra help that I offer to my friends or just that ìperfectî combination of circumstances send my life tumbling down a hill with no chances of stopping before I reach rock bottom. In times like that I remind myself about the magic of life balance and stop to reclaim my daily peace.

Inner peace and balance come when you stop chasing that carrot and start enjoying your life. Let’s see how you can get rid of that carrot and stop sabotaging your happiness.

1. Become aware.A lot of times the carrot race is just a cover-up for inner emptiness or pain. Filling life with tasks won’t fill your life with meaning.Todayspend some time reflecting on your inner motives and priorities.How do your everyday tasks help you achieve your personal goals?What goals are truly important to you?The more insight you gain into yourself the easier it will be for you to find your balance.
2. Try “reverse” time management.Every day you probably focus on accomplishing certain tasks that you planned. At the beginning of the day you look or think about everything that has to be done and your brain almost freezes in silent panic. All day long you try to catch up on everything but something constantly interrupts you, you lose your focus and at the end of the day your list of tasks looks only longer.Todayfocus on how much time you can spend working. Plan 1-2 hour work blocks when you are 100% focused and nothing can get in your way. Work as a mad man or woman during those blocks but then let yourself rest. At the end of the day focus on how many productive work blocks you have had instead of how many tasks you have marked off your to do list.This little change in your thoughts will help you avoid procrastination, prevent “brain freeze” and let you have some time for the unexpected things that will come up during the day.
3. Listen to the people around you. Our relationships are a huge subject that can’t be tackled in just one paragraph. However, if I was (and I am) to give you advice that will improve any type of relationship then it would be “Listen to others.”So many times we tune out of the conversation with our loved ones to watch our favorite show, check messages on the smartphone or just think again about that work project.By depriving our loved ones of our attention we lose connection with them and stop understanding them.Today listen to the people around you. Don’t judge, don’t get offended, but rather try to use any comments that you hear for your personal growth.
4. Focus on your vitals first.Do you ever leave the house without brushing your teeth? Do you try to drive the car without first getting the keys? These little actions seem obvious, don’t they? Then why is that taking care of our vital needs isn’t as simple as that?What is vitally important to you in life? For me my kids, family, health and spirituality are vitals no matter how busy my day might be. Every day I make sure that I spend time with my kids, have at least one peaceful hour with my husband, do at least a little bit of exercise, eat healthy food and spend time praying. My entire day is focused around these vitals and whatever time I have left I spend on other goals and necessities.Today figure out what your vitals are and find a place for them in every day. Itís not as hard as it seems. Split your exercise into 10 minute blocks throughout the day. Fix healthy meals that take less than 30 minutes to prepare (easy vegetable stir fry, spaghetti with marinara sauce, grilled chicken breast on a bed of fresh lettuce are just a few ideas) and include your loved ones into your everyday activities (exercise by taking your kids or your partner on a walk, fix meals together, spend time playing games [no sorry, video games do not count] instead of watching TV.) Figure out what works for you and start by adding 10-15 minute blocks of your vital activities into every day.
5. Be flexible. Napoleon had a brilliant idea of strategic military planning which he summarized as ìYou engage, and then you wait and see.î By making contact with the enemy and then improvising, he triumphed and made his armies the envy or Europe.In a modern world the ability to improvise is a crucial component of balance. Instead of making daily to-do lists try to create a list of goals for a week or a month. This flexibility will let you have time for the unexpected surprises and ways to deal with them. And instead of always sticking to rigid plans and goals let yourself go with the flow sometimes.Today question your plans and goals and think of creative ways to work around any obstacles. Donít push through the walls all the time. See when itís better to use your strength to push a little harder and when itís best to avoid an obstacle that seems to be ruining your plans.
6. Live in positive reality.Our view of the world is just a perception. The difference between optimists and pessimists is not how many good events happen in their lives but what information they tend to focus on.Unfortunately our brain is hard-wired into focusing on negative events. Scientists call this phenomenon the “negativity bias.” After years of studies researchers have come to the conclusion that it takes about 5 positive events to overwrite one negative one.However, focusing on all things positive is not the best way out either. Too much positive thinking makes you ignore possible obstacles standing in your way which decreases your chances of success.Today focus on being a positive realist. Take things for what they really are instead of spending all your mental energy to find a positive reason why you are stuck in a traffic jam. To reinforce positive emotions in your life think about all the positive events that happened to you today. When setting goals think of any obstacles that can get in your way and create a plan to work around them.
7. Start living life at your own speed. Instead of focusing on the quality of our life we often focus on the speed of it. We have a bunch of goals with (most of the time) unreasonable deadlines. We don’t stop and think whether we picked good timing for something. We try to bust through the walls and achieve our goal no matter what without ever asking whether it was an important enough goal to work so hard for.Today take some time to slow down. I am not asking you to meditate or walk around the park marveling at every bug that you see on your way. Take a look at your current goals and schedule and see if you have picked the right timing for everything. We can accomplish pretty much anything we dream about in life but for every dream we have to pick the right time to bring it to life.Living in balance starts with changing your thoughts.Stop chasing that imaginary carrot and start focusing on living your life at your own speed, with your own goals and to your maximum potential.What actions do you take to bring your life in balance?

Images of dull, lazy people ran round my head, people who never get round to anything, people who have no sense of drive or ambition. Imagine. How awful.

This is not what I was expecting from this session and it certainly was not what I wanted to hear. Coaching sessions are about goal setting, surely. And this is the part of me I like, I thought, the best of part of me, the part that dreams big, the part that makes things happen. Why on earth would I want to let go of that?

Although at the back of my mind, I knew this is also the part of me that causes the stress: high expectations of myself, wanting everything done now and other lovely ‘Type A’ traits.

And I am a good student, so I forced myself to stay open-minded, to understand what letting go would actually mean – before I dismissed it as hippy nonsense.

‘It’s about not being attached to the outcome,’ Kelly continued. ‘It’s about being present and being happy whether you achieve your goals or not.’ My radar registered the word goals; I felt myself relax.

We wrapped up the session and off I went with my homework of letting go! Kelly had suggested watching The Peaceful Warrior as a starting point. At only £6 and 120 minutes, I decided I didn’t have much to lose. But I wasn’t expecting to gain much either. I love the world of personal development – I read loads of this stuff, as if this was going to throw up anything new (I know – the arrogance).

The Peaceful Warrior

I got myself comfy, looking forward to ticking done on my homework list. The film – based on the book Way of the Peaceful Warrior – is about a young, arrogant, talented gymnast, who gets good grades, all the hot girls and is training for the Olympics. But whilst on the outside Dan seems to have it all, inside this is not the case. He meets a mysterious stranger – who he refers to as Socrates – who ends up becoming his mentor, showing him a different way to live. This becomes even more challenging when Dan has a serious motor bike accident which threatens his whole way of life. But with the help of ‘Socrates’ he learns to let go of the person he thought he was and start living in a completely different way.

I got to the end of the film and wasn’t even sure if I’d got the key messages, surely they would be bigger I thought, surrounded by flashing comic book style lights or something, more obviously life changing.

Off I went thinking I’d enjoyed the afternoon and I would try to live in the moment a little more. Yada. Yada. Yada!

Oh how naive I was. I can’t believe how different life feels after what appears such a small and subtle change.

Living in the moment

I am making a conscious effort to live more in the moment, be present, enjoy the journey and not just focus on the destination, or whatever other personal development cliché you would like to throw into the mix.

And just like Dan continues to train as an Olympic athlete, I continue to work towards my goals: the relief, I haven’t turned into a lazy slob!

But I am definitely calmer and less stressed. If I feel worried about something in the future and I feel my mind starting to spiral, processing what ifs, running scenarios at an alarming pace, I bring myself back to the present moment; and I am more focused on enjoying the activity that I am doing, not just thinking about the result.

I have had some health challenges and been on a bumpy recovery journey in the last seven years (I am recovering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome); I am a ‘professional’ tester of therapies and techniques – physical, psychological and emotional. And I am always intrigued to see what works and what doesn’t. I’ll try anything (I even bought some crystals recently…) and sometimes it is the unexpected that has a huge impact. And I strongly believe that staying open to new ideas has been a fundamental part of my recovery.

Sometimes simple changes can have a huge impact

And as the wellness light shines brightly, beckoning me to leave the tunnel; as I continue to get stronger and enjoy the delicious feeling of being healthy, I am surprised something as simple as becoming – or at least moving towards being – a ‘Peaceful Warrior’ is one of the last pieces in my recovery jigsaw.

The biggest challenge for me is not being attached to the outcome of being 100% well, but rather to celebrate how far I have come and enjoy my life as it is now; it’s like the dieter who believes they will only be happy when they lose that last seven pounds. This isn’t about giving up the goals but about loving life anyway whether or not I achieve my goals.

I know it sounds simple writing it down and as with anything it takes work and practice. But if I as a self-confessed stress head can make headway on this, I am confident that anyone reading can.

So I leave you with this, my fellow personal development junkies: next time it is tempting to roll your eyes at a clichéd suggestion, take a step back and truly ask yourself whether there is anything there for you. When we are open, try something new, we just never know…and if that one isn’t for you maybe the next one is.

If you fancy joining me on my reinvention tour you can follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

My coaching sessions are with Kelly Oldershaw at Get Your Life Back from M.E.

The following are some examples of fiction that people regard as true:

“Things always go wrong.”  “He makes me so mad.” “I can’t change how I feel. “I’ll never love again.” “It’s all my fault.”  “I’m a loser.”

Notice the distorted thinking, and irrational words such as “always, never, “can’t” and the fortune telling in the phrase “I will never love again!” How can anyone predict the future with certainty?

Changing these distorted interpretations to stick to the facts looks like this:

“Things do not go the way I wished very often.”  “I was mad when he said that.” “It is hard to change the way I feel.” and “It might be hard to love again, but I will sure try.”  “I feel partly responsible.”  “I am just as worthy as everyone else.”

As a psychotherapist, I often find the more depressed and anxious a client is, the more they live in the land of fiction that they take as fact.  For example, just the other day I had a client tell me that her children are misbehaving so much, and she blames herself for her drug, alcohol and sexual promiscuity in her teens which she thinks resulted in her having such difficult children.  She felt she was being punished for her past, and was getting “paid back” for being a problem teen.  She felt this way despite the fact that at the ripe age of 45 she had been leading a law abiding life as a mother, wife, and school teacher for 20 years!    Her lack of self- forgiveness for her past regretful behavior loomed larger than life, even though those behaviors were of the distant past.  Yet, they still defined her as a person, and she became a person not defined by her dreams and aspirations, but rather her disappointments and her poor choices.

Separate Fact From Fiction Takeaways

• Many thoughts we treat as facts are really interpretations
• Many interpretations are so automatic we do not know they’re not fact
• Examine your thought habits so that you are aware of what is your “default” way of thinking – only then can you change them.
• As you can discern facts from your take on things, you will feel more positive and empowered
• Realize when you are just telling yourself stories!  Nothing is wrong with being a story teller – just know when you are!
• Stop upsetting yourself with nonsense that you believe to be true
• Stop over-catastrophizing and making mountains out of molehills
• Refuse to feel like a victim and feel more like a victor
• Be more solution focused and not problem focused

Activity for Your Separating Fact From fiction

Take a magnifying glass to remind you to be “thought detective” to look behind what you are thinking and identify distorted thinking that is fiction rather than fact. Remind yourself that when we interpret, we are telling ourselves stories.  There is nothing wrong with stories – but just know that they are not real or true!

Remember, when you can not separate fact from fiction, one plus one does not equal 2, and not even 11, but numbers that don;t make sense, like 145!  And the more irrational you live in the land of fiction, the higher the numbers go up!

So take your magnifying glass and identity your thought habits – and make sure you can distinguish between the stories you tell yourself and the actual facts at hand!

In the last three years I’ve made a small science out of the study of passion. I’ve even become a little obsessed.

Not only have I set out to understand what allows certain people to find their passions, but also what allows the seemingly rare few to transform that passion into a career, business and way of life. When you look hard enough, the people living off their passion aren’t quite so rare.

After hundreds of case studies, interviews and interactions with passionate people all over the world, I’ve come up with some pretty useful answers and tools to help get us there.

As it turns out, the results are not as complicated as you’d think. What most consider impossible, becomes probable if looked at through the proper framework.

How to Convert Passion to Money:

1. Become a self-expert.

Discovering your passion (and making it a career) is directly proportional to how well you know yourself. Few people take the time to fully understand who they are and as a result most the world is lost.

What things do you kick-ass at? What are your strengths (aka ‘superpowers’)? What natural talents do you possess and love using? What do people thank you for? What values do you hold above all others? What emotions and experiences are you absolutely not willing to compromise on?

How do you define success? Don’t give me what school, society or the corporate world has brainwashed you to think—that is not success. If you didn’t come up with the definition, it’s meaningless and in fact dangerous. We must forget what they all told us. What really matters to you? If you were to look back on your life once it’s over, what do you want to be known for? Success is not about money and fame and status and prestige. Most people who believe it is, only do because they haven’t taken the time to understand their own true success. Identify and write down your own unique definition.

2. Align your life with who you actually are.

Your talents, values and unique success are your compass. With it you can guide yourself anywhere. Without it, you’re lost (and might guide yourself off a cliff). With our finely-tuned compass, we can then begin to notice the things that come our way that turn us on – the things that make us come alive. Only once we start to see what excites us, can we start to make it a part of our lives. When you begin to experience your values, talents and success on a daily basis, everything feels right. Nothing else matters. This is the alchemy that creates and fuels passion.

3. Offer it to the world.

For everyone I’ve met, passion almost always comes back to helping others in a way that only you can by doing something you can’t not do (i.e. that you absolutely love). Everyone needs help. All you have to do is start looking for the right people. For some reason we tend to put up these barriers that people will not be willing to pay us for the things we love doing. It kills our creativity before it even begins.

The real truth is people want nothing more than to pay a person for something they are awesome at. We love it. Think back to some of your most positive and memorable interactions with products and services. Who’d you enjoy more: the salesman who tried to shove a used car down your throat or the one who could hardly breathe because he was so excited about the craftsmanship and art of the German engine and the unbelievable feeling of freedom he got every time he drove it down the coast?

We love working with people who are passionate about what they do. We refer those people to our close friends. We buy again from those people. You can be one of those people. Think of the things you have helped people with in the past and the ones you know people need help with now. Go out and find a few people who need help. Coach or consult them one-on-one or in groups or use an online service to offer virtual courses and seminars. The moment you realize it’s possible, is the moment you’ll start to see the endless ways that exist to monetize a passion. Find the people who need your help the most. Do that and getting paid won’t be a problem.

4. You’re an expert and you don’t even know it.

‘But there are all kinds of people better than me – I’m not experienced enough!’ you yell back. Experience and expertise are likely the biggest limiting beliefs keeping people from making money from what they love. The word expert is purely relative and based largely on perception. If people perceive you to be an expert and you can truly help them with something important, that’s all the expertise you (or they) need.

There will always be people better than you at your given passion. That’s the case with everything. Fine. But there are also plenty more people who are much worse off in your area of excitement. I bet you could dramatically help them without even rolling out of bed. Start with those people.

As it turns out, many of the top ‘experts’ in the world have very little formal education. Take Tony Robbins who’s considered one of the world’s top psychologists, yet he has no real ‘credentials’ or education in the traditional sense. Instead, he took to experiential learning and as a result he is more effective in helping people achieve positive change than probably anyone in the world.

Thinking you need more qualifications and experience is usually just an excuse for inaction. Recognize it and then start getting paid to help people. You’re already an expert, you just might not know it yet. Start acting like it.

Change Your Mind, Live Off Your Passion

As with most things in life, the biggest barrier to building a life and career around your passion comes down to your psychology. Realize you have skills, tools and interests that people would pay you for right this second if you asked for it. But you must first ask.

Know yourself inside out and notice how to help people in a way unique to who you are. Suddenly trading your passions for money will start to become a lot less difficult. Soon it will become a way of life.

These feelings prevent us from being aware of the beauty that is all around us and from recognizing opportunities that can vastly improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively and financially.

Most people try to escape and run from these troublesome feelings, hoping they can leave them behind.

Unfortunately, such escape routes don’t really work—and for good reason. Our discomfiting feelings and emotions are an integral part of us.   Hence, when we try to run away from them, they simply follow us.

Indeed, the harder we try to “lose” them, the stronger they become and the worse we usually feel.

In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (Ebb and Flow Press, 2011), I refer to these unwanted feelings as our Personal Truths and explore how we can learn to let them go.  Here is an important key:

Before we can let go of negative feelings and emotions, we must first accept and process them.

This may seem counter-intuitive at first.  Why would we want to stay with something that we so badly want to be rid of?  Let me explain why.   Because these Personal Truths are part of who we are—at least at that moment—we need to “honor” them in some manner.   By that, I mean we must accept their existence and make an effort to process them.  When we do this, they begin to leave on their own accord.

To be clear, this does not mean that we should sulk or dwell on them; simply, that we must give them their “just due.”  However, in doing so, remember that,

Our feelings and emotions are not facts.

They are just feelings and emotions—nothing more, nothing less. Understanding this helps us to effectively accept and process them.   Here’s one helpful way you can do that:

1.   Stay with your pain and discomfort—even if for only a short while. Sense it, feel it—including physically–and accept that it is okay that you feel that way.

2.  Next, separate the objective facts and “truths” of the underlying issue or situation from the illusions and myths that your imagination and fears have conjured up.  It helps to write these facts and truths down and reflect or meditate upon them.

3.   Then be proactive by taking constructive steps based on the objective facts and truths that have been revealed to you.

For example, if you’re angry about what a friend said or did, rather than withdraw, brood or plot how you can get back at him or her, reflect on the real truths and “harms” in what was said or done, including what role you may have played in the matter. Then share these truths with your friend (preferably in person) and how they made you feel, but being careful not to accuse or judge.  Sometimes you will find that you misunderstood what was meant or intended. The important point, however, is that you will have accepted and processed your negative feelings, rather than trying to run from them.

The next time you are experiencing negative feelings and emotions, I encourage you to try accepting and processing them in a similar manner.  If you do, I am confident you will find that they will disappear much in the same way as when a defroster clears fogged windows.