I bet everyone of you dreams (at least sometimes) about having more money, love, joy, energy or health in your life? Right? And I also bet, that everyone of you has already done a zillion attempts to achieve just that. And though you had successes in some areas, I bet there are some areas, where you just couldn’t make it happen, no matter what? You try, you push, you change approaches, but you’ll always yield the same results. Why?

Because there is a subconscious mechanism within you, that won’t allow you to succeed in those areas. It is sabotaging your own efforts, to make sure you won’t leave your “Comfort Zone.”

Although you might have heard of your “Comfort Zone” before, you might have never heard about a way to alter your Comfort Zone, so that it allows your dreams to become true.

Would you like to learn such a system? I bet you do, so let’s go.

The Concept of Your Comfort Zone

You’ve heard the term “Comfort Zone” several times already. But although this concept is a true and useful one, it needs to be specified even more to become useful in tackling with your problems.

Your Comfort Zone has 3 key points:

1. Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism
2. Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism
3. The Neutral State (NS)

We should get to know these 3 key points of your comfort zone a little bit more in detail.

Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism

This subconscious limit will stop you from rising above a certain level of success, money, love or happiness. This is the internal barrier that you have built up in your head, that won’t allow you to ever experience more joy, love, happiness, success or money, than you feel you are worth. It is like a plane going too high that will stall and fall down to a level, where the pilot is again able to catch the fall in a zone accustomed for the type of plane. If you compare it to a thermostat, this would be the temperature when it get’s too hot and the air conditioner kicks in. And that is how your subconscious feels. It’s getting too hot in here, so let’s cool it down. This limit is tightly connected with the concept of self-worth.

No matter how much you believe in yourself as a limitless, spiritual being, we all have these limits in our minds.

Even the most successful people have them. They have just learned to raise them, so they won’t stop them from achieving what they want.

It is not about whether you have an upper limit, it is about whether that one causes you trouble, frustrates you and hinders you from growing further at this time.

The Auto-Mechanism of Your Subconscious Mind

It is as if your subconscious had a built-in auto-mechanism driving you directly to the events that will guarantee the (maybe not so desired) outcome for you.

And that is exactly what happens. You have an internal feeling of comfort within a certain range. Let’s go with a money example now. Let’s assume you are making 60,000$ per year. And you did so for maybe 3 years now in a row. If I would ask you how sure you are that you would make 60,000$ next year, you might be pretty sure that you can make it again. What if I challenged you to make 70,000$? Well, you might feel a little bit uncomfortable about it, but not that much. You might have some ideas on how to get it. How about 80,000$, 90,000$ or even 100,000$. Now that uncomfortable feeling might be getting worser. Maybe you could imagine yourself making 80,000$ putting in a lot more effort, but I might have lost you with 90,000 or 100,000$. Then you might realize, that 80,000$ is your upper limit.

What Is the Psychological Reason for the Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL)

You subconscious is not your enemy. It is your friend. And it’s only reason to install limits within you is to protect you.

It wants to protect you from harm and from being dissatisfied. There is safety in shooting low. Missing a goal you were really going for, could be a devastating experience for the self worth (as long as you identify your self worth with attaining that goal, but that is another point). And your subconscious doesn’t want you to experience this pain. So going for less, for the safe side or the easy, achievable goal is a self-protecting mechanism.

Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism

On the other side is another mechanism working. This limit is the lower threshold. This is how low you allow yourself to go, before all your instincts, all energy and focus is brought into play to get you back up. It is the level, where your subconscious associates a threat for your survival with the current situation. Again, comparing it to a thermostate, this is the point where it is getting too cold, so the heater kicks in. And so your subconscious gets you to move things and kicks in your efforts to get back into the comfort zone again.

Let’s assume now, again you are making 60,000$ (and you did so for 3 straight years). How would you feel, if next year, you would only make 50,000$. Well you might feel uncomfortable again, but you might come up with some things you could cut your expenses on. Let’s go even deeper – 40,000$ or 30,000$. I bet you won’t feel so comfortable then. How about 20,000$ or even 10,000$. There is again a level, where your subconscious would scream “NO WAY – I won’t allow this to happen. This is dangerous for my survival”.

Well, even if it won’t be threatening your physical survival (there are a lot of people surviving with less than 10,000$ or even less) there is a level where your subconscious associates massive pain with making only that much money. Again, you should find out that level for you.

The Neutral State (NS)

This is the state where you are okay with a situation. Not great, not bad, but okay. In the above mentioned example that might be making 60,000$ – or maybe not, depending on the feeling a person associates with this amount.

Establishing Your Comfort Scales

You need to establish your comfort scale, so you can exactly pinpoint how much comfort or discomfort you associate with anything. The key to this is focusing on your body feelings. Your body feelings will tell you much more precisely how comfortable you are with a situation, then your intellect.

Comfort is associated with body feelings.

Let’s establish a scale from 1 to 10.

• 1 being so much discomfort and pain, that there is no way to tolerate it. This is the ultimate life threat.
• 10 meaning the most enjoyable state you could think of.
• 5 would be neutral, so this would be the Neutral State (NS), where you are okay with a situation. It isn’t great and it isn’t bad, just okay. Although this sounds boring it is essential to know where this level is for you.

Now let’s fill this theoretical scale with life. For this money is a great tool, because for most of us, money is an essential ingredient of life and therefore, a good measurement for our comfort level.

So remember the Comfort Scale:

1 (Ultimate Discomfort or Pain) … 5 (Neutral, okay) … 10 (Ultimate Comfort or Joy)

Establish your Comfort Scale for HAVING THE MONEY

1. Consider you current annual income. Where on this scale are you with making that much money? Make a note, and experience how you feel in your body. Do you feel any signs of comfort or discomfort, when thinking about it? Look out for any change in your body: tightness, relaxation, warmth, cold, tingling, pain, sourness, nervousness, salivation just to name a few. This is your baseline point. It could be 5 or a bit below or above. Note that the baseline couldn’t be 1, since 1 is so much pain, that you would find a way to change it, no matter what. Even if you are not satisfied on a conscious level with your income, there is a part within you, who feels comfortable enough with it not to change the situation.
2. Think about how comfortable you would feel if you HAD 10%, 20%, 30% and more money per year. Go up as high as you like. Note for every amount, how comfortable you feel inside thinking about having it. Note for every new level the change in your body feelings.
3. Then think about making 10% less per year or 20% or 30%. Note how your Comfort Level changes and how your body reacts to this.

What you should have at the end are the body signs, that signal you the different comfort levels of your scale. You should be aware how your body feels when confronted with the different levels of discomfort and comfort.

Establishing this scale once is a very important step of the procedure.

Now let’s go one step further. This time don’t think about having the money, think about MAKING it.

Establish your Comfort Scale for MAKING THE MONEY:

• Start with your annual income. How comfortable are you with making it again next year?
• Then go up 10%, 20%, 30% and higher. How comfortable are you with making that much more money next year?
• Then go down 10%, 20%, 30% and lower. How comfortable are you with making only so little money?

Now compare those 2 scales, and you might be surprised.

You might find, that if you go lower than your actual income, that the pain of only making less money than you have is growing stronger but the trust in yourself that you can make it is also getting stronger. If you are currently making 60,000$, you will feel quite a discomfort about making only 40,000$ (maybe that is level 3), but you are quite sure, that you could make it (or better) next year (maybe Level 8,9 or 10).

Conversely, if you increase your annual income, you will find, that you would be quite comfortable with having it but the higher you go, the less you are sure, that you will make it. So if you currently are making 60,000$ making $90,000 would surely feel good (maybe level 6, 7, 8 or higher) but you are not so comfortable with your ability to make it (maybe 4 or even 3).

Remember – these levels are actual body feelings. This is key for the next step.

Raising Your Comfort Zone

Now you have 2 Comfort Levels for each $-amount. A Comfort Level for “Having the Money” and one for “Making the Money”. Remember money is here just an example. I could also say you have 2 Comfort Levels for “Wanting it” and “Trusting in Yourself that you can make it happen”.

The key to raising your Comfort Zone is by associating the feelings of comfort with the image of making a certain level happen.

Here is how to do it. The whole process consists of 2 Steps.

Step 1 – Dialogue With Your Fear

1. Ask your subconscious, why there are feelings of discomfort associated with you making more money.
2. Write down in your journey what comes to your mind. What negative consequences might be associated. Write them down.
3. Consider if these are actual, real problems, that could occur. Then thank your subconscious for bringing them up and consider them in the future.

Step 2 – Associating Comfort With the Steps Beyond Your Current Comfort Zone

1. Remember the good feelings of comfort in your body (choose intuitively from Level 6-10)
2. Imagine doing the thing (e.g. imagine making 90,000$ – not having, but actually earning them)
3. Now listen to your body. Once you really think about it, those old feelings of doubt, worry and discomfort will come back.
4. If so, drop the picture and try to remember the feelings of comfort again in your body
5. Bring back the pictures of you making it happen (e.g. making 90,000$)
6. If your feeling of comfort vanishes, drop the picture again, bring back the good feelings and then bring in the pictures again.
7. Continue to do so, until you are able to see yourself doing the things necessary to make it happen while at the same time feeling in your body feelings of comfort and trust.
8. Repeat this process for at least a week, better 30 days. Do it at least early in the morning and before going to sleep. You can do it more often if you like. Once you’ve done it 3-4 times, you will get it much faster.

Once your subconscious has build a neuro-connection for this new couple (picture of future success and feelings of comfort), you will no longer need to push towards making things happen. You will feel yourself drawn towards them. This will be one of the most interesting and releasing experiences you will ever have.

How to Use This Process to Change Anything in Your Life

This process is not only able to change your comfort zone towards money. Money was just picked for demonstration purpose. You can use this process for anything you can quantify and rate on a scale from 1 to 10.

Could you rate:

• your experience of love?
• your feelings of happiness?
• your health and vitality?

Of course you could and therefore you could use that process for all these areas. Try it and watch out for enormous changes happening to you.

Break through the glass ceilings that are limiting you in every area of life. Enjoy the ride.

Here’s a thought that might spin your head.

Personal development is not personal! It’s not about you.

It IS personal in that what you ‘personally develop’ is particular to your beliefs, your skills, and your situation – but it’s not about the you who is unconditionally valuable and beyond judgement.

I said it would spin your head. But stick with me, there is good news to come.

Some words in the English language are what is called in linguistic studies – multi-ordinal. This means, in brief, that the same word means different things in different contexts. This is obvious if you consider that saying: ‘I love you’ to your fluffy cute dog or cat is not the same as saying it to your husband or wife in bed. It’s the same word, different context and hence different meanings.

So why is this good news for you and your personal development?

It’s good news if you are someone who personalises comments, who feels that you’re being talked about, that you have to have your radar always on in case someone says something bad about you.

Secondly, if you are someone who says “‘I’ failed” and feels bad about yourself (rather than just not getting the result you want), it could be because you are confusing the levels of ‘you’ involved in what actually happened.

It’s good news because you are not what you do. It’s not about you.

Despite what the people around you say.

This might help: NLP pioneer Robert Dilts created a model called the Neuro-logical levels which suggested that change could be made at the following levels:

· Mission
· Identity
· Values
· Beliefs
· Capabilities
· Behaviour
· Environment

You will notice that Identity (who you ARE) is at a different level to Capabilities and Behaviour – what you do.

As a Meta-Coach I find that the act of linking judgements of performance with personal worth often stops people from taking actions and risks they need in order to progress. They feel that the essential core of who they are is being threatened.

The you that knows itself as ‘I’ doesn’t want to change.

But who or what is ‘I’?

Try this: say to yourself: “I have feelings but I am not my feelings…my feelings change but I remain (pause)…I have beliefs but I am not my beliefs…my beliefs change but I remain (pause)…I have a body but I am not my body…my body changes but I remain.

Emphasise the ‘I’. It has a strange effect, doesn’t it?

So if ‘I’ am not any of these things…then what am I?

Many say “I think, therefore I am”.

Up front I’ll state my perspective.

I’m a Christian and I believe that God created me and put His life in me. That life is unconditionally valuable and cannot be devalued. That is what constitutes ‘I’ for me.

I also believe that He gave me the kind of consciousness that enables me to think about myself and all aspects of myself.

Thus, – you might want to read this twice – the thinker (which is me/I) is not the same as what is thought about – my thoughts.

So for me ‘I’ is a spiritual issue, and I (and its/my value) is separate from what I think. “I am – therefore I think”.

I know others will have different ideas and we each have to choose what we base our understanding of ourselves on.

What I have done, however, is develop a concept of ‘I’ that is not affected by the judgements that are made about what I do.

How would this idea work if you did it?

For one, this makes it much easier to pick up the phone and have my ideas rejected rather than my ‘self’ rejected.

And concerning ‘failure’ (which is another one of those ‘multi-ordinal words.) if you fail, what exactly failed?

Was it YOU – the entire mind body system that supposedly constitutes who you are?

Did you mind shut down?
Did your blood stop pumping?
Did your immune system shut down?
Did your muscles atrophy?
Did your throat muscles die?

Did those things ‘fail’? Because that is what you are saying if ‘I’ am my thoughts-body etc

Was it the YOU that remains even if your beliefs and values change? (I stopped believing in Santa at least two years ago…)

Or is it just that your mental blueprint for doing something was incomplete or inaccurate?

You had a missing piece of knowledge.

Something you knew was out-of-date.

Would that be so bad? After all, databases need updating, don’t they? We’ve all had letters for previous tenants or with the name misspelled.

I like to think of my thoughts as tools. Along with my understanding and application of my faith, I want my mind and body to serve me.

Distinguishing ‘I’ as director and overseer from the ‘I’ who thinks and acts may seem a little schizophrenic to some.

But if you consider that since the ‘recession’ started there have been several high profile suicides of very rich people who lost a lot of money – and who may have connected some important aspect of self with the amount of money they had – maybe separating worth and doing, worth and possessions is not such a bad idea after all.

Jesus said: “A man’s life does not consist of his possessions.”

So – do you still think that if I get something wrong the failure is about my worth?
Is personal development still personal?

Look me in the ‘I’ and say that.

This weeks Sunday Siesta is all about bloggers who have managed to quit their day job to become professional bloggers. I have been reading a lot about this lately since I will be doing it soon. I thought it might be interesting to look at a few bloggers who have turned pro and link to their stories of how they managed to quit their day jobs.

9 10 Bloggers Who Have Quit Their Day Job and Turned Pro

Jonathan Mead

IlluminatedMind.net – So I Quit My Day Job, Dear Boss: You’re Fired – I like Jonathan’s story of how he managed to go from working as a file clerk to managing an employee recognition program to finally giving up his day job, ’stop renting out his mind’ and go solo. You can download his free ebook ‘The Zero Hour Work Week’

Leo Babuata

ZenHabits.net - So I Quit My Day Job – Holy Cow! I Took the Plunge – I love Leo’s story and it really couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. He quit his day job with U.S. military veterans for the Guam Legislature in January 2008 after a meteoric rise with his blog, which has around 130,000 subscribers. He is now a published author: ‘The Power of Less’, has written a best selling ebook: ‘Zen To Done’ and has done so much more since he started blogging in 2007. His story is a fantastic one and is well worth a read.

Caroline Middlebrook

CarolineMiddlebrook.com – About Caroline Middlebrook – I remember Caroline at the very beginning of her blog and I even remember writing a piece on her called ‘The woman who quit her day job’ Caroline did it the hard way and quit her job as a software developer and started the blog from scratch. She now has over 11,000 subscribers, has written several eBooks and has become very successful in the blogging world.

Tina Su

ThinkSimpleNow.com – Dream to Reality: How I Quit My Day Job – One of my favourite personal development bloggers. Tina Su really is an inspiration to many and she has done so much in such a short space of time. She has a loyal following and is well thought of in the blogging community.

Daniel Scocco

DailyBlogTips.com – Make Money Blogging – Daniel is another blogging hero of mine. Not because he has quit his day job, but simply because he has great advice on his blog about blogging. he gave up his job at the age of 22 and has never looked back since. He is now a successful consultant and professional blogger.

Yaro Starak

Entrepreneurs-Journey.com – One Day In A Life – One of the best business bloggers on the net and one of the first blogs I sat up and paid attention to and thinking blogging was possible as a career. I love Yaro’s podcasts as they are always insightful.

J.D. Roth

GetRichSlowly.com – Quitting the Day Job: Finding the Guts to Pursue Your Dreams – I haven’t read much of the blog from JD but have read his story and read a few interviews from him. His blog is all about fiance and is geared toward the american market however there are great articles about attitude to money. JD is another inspiration to me and when you read the story you will understand why.

Steve Pavlina

StevePavlina.com – Blogging for Money – Steve’s blog was the blog that started it all for me back in August 2006. I soaked up his writing and listened to the podcasts and thought WOW! this is what I want to do. I am not so keen on Steve’s stuff now but his older material is still amazing and I often listen to his podcasts.

Darren Rowse

Problogger.net – Becoming A ProBlogger – Save the best for last Darren is perhaps one of the best known bloggers out there. The former Minister turned pro in 2005. Read his story it’s brilliant.

Celestine Chua

CelestineChua.com – Celestine Chua’s Story – I totally forgot about Celestine and she has been in my circle for some time now.  Celestine left a fortune 100 company to start a coaching business and start her blog and she has been very successful starting her School of Personal Excellence

I know I have missed a few famous bloggers out but hopefully if you are looking to becoming a blogging professional it will give you some inspiration as it has me and countless others.

I have been into personal development for over 15 years and sometimes there are moments that just hit you square in the face and scream ‘Pay attention to me’. No doubt you have gone through life and you get these moments, they’re called ‘A-ha moments’, when you just get it, whatever you’ve been trying to figure out.

There have been quite a few of these moments in my life but none more profound than than the one I’m about to share with you now.

The Key To Success Is Making

Others A Success

Now, you’d think that would be well known and everybody would say ‘Duh, I knew that already!’ but so few people know of this key or really grasp it’s importance.

In any field you happen to be in, if you go out of your way to help people better themselves you will become known as the person to go to.

Be the person to go to

At work I am known as the ‘Computer Man’, no matter what the problem is; Word documents, excel spreadsheets, trying to find a lost image file, undoing things etc. That’s because I love the computers and even though I don’t know most of the things on the computer I use the little tab that says ‘help’ and figure it out within a few minutes. Why do most people ignore this little ‘help’ button; probably because in every workplace there is always someone like me.

If you make yourself the person to go to at work you can make yourself the person to go to outside work and start a business or a part time venture whereby you become the person to go to in a small niche. You do this by giving away free information, give great advice and generally being a nice person. When you become quite well known for the person to go to, then that’s when your business really starts.

My friend, Dragos Roua, has become the guy to go to about blogging, within his circle of friends. And due to this he is now starting to do blogging seminars, why? because he’s helped people for free in the past, built up his knowledge while showing others what to do and generally being a nice guy. Now he has another income stream, all because he become the person to go to.

Helping others

When you help others become a success you undoubtedly will become a success yourself, however, you still need the business savvy and the business guts to put yourself out there.

Never call yourself an expert, let others call you the expert, but put it out there that you know what you’re talking about and help others achieve what they want to achieve.

I realised this a while ago but am only now beginning to put into motion the second stage of this and that is having the business guts to get out there.

What’s your story?

Have you realised this key already, if so what’s your story and how did it help yourself and others?

You can increase your willpower muscle; Is that just a crazy statement or what! of course it’s crazy because there isn’t a willpower muscle as such, however you can exercise your willpower therefore increasing the strength of it.

Stand up!

Go on Stand up right now.

Okay, for the purpose of this experiment will you stand up for 5 seconds.

When you were first asked to stand up, your brain was probably thrown by a command from an unknown person who made the request in writing.

When I made the second request your brain may have been thinking ‘yeah right! who is this clown.’

When I asked you the third time your brain may have been a little more responsive because of the way I asked you and gave you reasons, and you may have exercised your willpower and actually stood up, against your better wishes.

This is what you willpower is like it needs to be constantly reminded why you’re doing something and it needs to be exercised more often. The more you exercise your willpower the easier it becomes to do the things you should be doing but don’t want to do.

How do you exercise willpower?

Willpower is not tangible, you can’t see it, you can’t touch, smell, taste or hear it but neither can you do this with your memory yet we all know you can increase your memory strength by exercising it. So it is with willpower.

Willpower is required when there is something you really don’t want to do but do it because of the potential benefits or for the avoidance of pain. For example, I am using my willpower to write this blog post, I thought about it for a few hours, carried out some research and then had to lay it bare on the screen and then tweak it. I didn’t really want to do it as I have a love-hate relationship with writing, my body hates it but my mind loves it and just won’t let go until it’s out there.

You exercise your willpower by using it more often but there is a catch. When you use your willpower scientists now believe it depletes your gluclose levels and you start to feel lethargic. (click Here for more) Ever wondered why, when you used to do your studying, and you didn’t really want to, you were so tired after it? that was your willpower literally draining the energy from you due to a drop in blood sugar levels. So the point here is; use your willpower on important tasks because, if untrained, there seems to be an upper limit on how much willpower you can use. However, once you start training your willpower and exercising it you will have a larger reserve and be able to use it more.

5 Exercises to increase your willpower

Force your willpower into action

To force yourself to do something, to exercise your willpower ironically takes willpower to do. Concentrate on one task per day that you know will bring you benefits or avoid pain and just do it, get it out of the way. Doing this also has the benefit of clearing your mind of clutter, the less cluttered your mind feels with niggling thoughts that you need do something, the more you will get done.

Mindfulness meditation

This is not sitting cross legged and practicing the mantra ‘OM MANE PADME HUM’. Mindfulness meditation is simply focusing on one thought or one object to the point of no distraction. It can be difficult at first but the more you do it the better you become and the more willpower you will gain. This is scientifically proven and studies have shown that the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which controls emotional responses and stores your plans and impulses, is strengthened which means you are better equipped to deal with stresses and less prone to impulsive action.

Delayed gratification

This is when we put of doing something that is mentally pleasurable to us, but we know will be bad for us in the long run. For example lying on the couch and watching TV maybe our idea of chilling out but when we know there is the garage to be cleared, the painting to be done, the garden needs tended, the kids want to go swimming ;exercise your willpower to delay your gratification of watching TV. Do what you need to do and then lye in front of the TV. A lot of alcoholics do this when they are on a controlled drinking plan. Instead of starting to drink at 6pm straight after work, they delay their drinking for an hour or so. This might not seem like much but it can be the first step to becoming alcohol free.

Substituting habits

Substitution habits can be particularly useful for helping your willpower grow in strength. basically you are substituting one bad habit with a good habit. An example of this might be instead of eating snacks throughout the day have a large glass of water. Or, instead of watching TV every night substitute it for one night by reading a book. For every bad habit that is substituted the benefits can be doubled, tripled and even quadrupled. Like the example above, if you read a book , the benefits are that your imagination is being stimulated, your reading speed increases, your focus and ability to concentrate is strengthened.

Exercise your physical to control your mental

We all know the benefits of exercise on the body and to some degree the mind. Do you know that it can strengthen your willpower as well. You need blood flowing through your body and brain and need to release carbon dioxide and get new oxygen into the bloodstream. The oxygen flowing around your brain helps to keep it well maintained and honed to keep it in good condition. Exercise naturally helps to stimulate certain hormones in your body which make you feel good, give you confidence and strengthen your willpower. We are not talking going down to the gym every night we are talking taking a walk, or aerobic exercises in the house.

Strengthening your willpower will pay you huge dividends in every area of your life so is it not worthwhile investing some time into strengthening it.

What do you do to exercise your willpower?

One of the best ideas to come from the internet community is opensource.  Opensource software, and opensource learning.  Perhaps one of the best sites for opensource learning is ted.com If you have never heard of TED it is a site which shares ideas from people from all walks of life on how to make our life better with Technology, Entertainment and Design (TED).

I have chosen 29 videos which I have watched over the last few years which made me stop and think about the bigger picture.  Some are funny, some are educational, some are inspirational but every single one of them will engage your brain in some way.

I hope you enjoy them as I have over the last few years and feel free to post the links to your favourite ones.

29 Great TED Talks to Get You Thinking

Richard St. John’s 8 secrets of success

Dan Pink the surpirsing science of motivation

Tony Robins on Motivation

Jill Bolte Taylor’s stroke of insight

Marvin Minsky on health and the human mind

Tim Ferriss: Smash fear, learn anything

Malcolm Gladwell on spaghetti sauce

Evan Williams on listening to Twitter users

John Maeda on the simple life

Tim Brown on creativity and play

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi on flow

Wade Davis on the worldwide web of belief and ritual

Richard Dawkins on our “queer” universe

Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success

Aubrey de Grey says we can avoid aging

Nancy Etcoff on the surprising science of happiness

Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat

Katherine Fulton: You are the future of philanthropy

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity

Dan Gilbert asks, Why are we happy?

Seth Godin on standing out

Daniel Goleman on compassion

Brian Greene on string theory

Sarah Jones as a one-woman global village

William Kamkwamba on building a windmill

Charles Leadbeater on innovation

Johnny Lee demos Wii Remote hacks

Garrett Lisi on his theory of everything

Michael Merzenich on re-wiring the brain

This is the third session of Ask The Coach. The main aim of this weekly session is to ask you, the reader, to ask a question to the coach by posting a comment on this post and each week myself and Ayo Olaniyan will attempt to help you by answering your question.

This week I have decided to change the format to one coach answering the questions as the responses were becoming too in depth for one post.  So Ayo Olaniyan is your coach for this week.

So lets get started with the this session.

Question from LWW Answered by coach Ayo Olaniyan

My question is a bit long-winded, sorry about that!

I’m in my late 20’s and have suffered from anxiety in the past and got some help through the Dr in the form of counselling. Once that was completed I felt a lot stronger and happier within myself and looked forward to the future and had a good 18 months of feeling good and also dealing with problems, including being made redundant and some difficult people at work. That was 2 and a bit years ago.

Since then, I’ve changed careers, returned to uni on a part time basis, whilst working full time hours, 50+ a week, in a new and hard environment. Its brought on anxieties that I’ve had in the past, left me feeling constantly tired, miserable, feeling totally inadequate and compared too many people I work with, totally alien in personality and mindset. The role has been important as its been a foot in the door and valuable experience for which I can now use to my advantage in the future as my route of work branches off but its left me feeling very anxious.
I’d describe myself as easy going, probably thinking about others first and what the older generation would call term as a ‘worrier’ and I feel like I can’t assert myself.

I’m really worried about this taking a firmer grip that it has already as I want to be successful and most of all happy. I’m finding as in the past its becoming a major stumbling block because as I worry my attention is deteriorating, I’m always anxieties about what people are going to say to me in work, which has manifested itself into my social life. As mentioned above, I see myself as too nice.

I’ve had a bit of verbal bullying as a teenager, which I didn’t real deal with well and at times, thankfully, despite not being bullied in work I feel like that same teenager who felt totally stuck, frustrated and feel like I’ve got no like minded people around me to help me through this.

So, what can I do to move forward, to hopefully manage and deal with this for the future?

Many thanks.

Hello LWW,

Thanks for posting your question on ‘Ask The Coach.

My response would be split into 5 different parts. I would highlight each paragraph and you can visit http://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/blog/2009/08/06/ask-the-coach/ to view the question again.

I’m in my late 20’s and have suffered from anxiety in the past and got some help through the Dr in the form of counselling. Once that was completed ………..

Although you didn’t mention your previous anxieties and why you suffered from them, some valid points are raised here.

Determination: One thing common in all the paragraphs written was your being determined to see changes, become successful, resolve your anxieties, build better relationships, move forward and secure your future. One of the factors responsible for success is determination. While you received counsel from the doctor, you were determined to resolve your anxieties; you made your choices and took action for every situation you found yourself in. There was a sense of fulfillment because you were seeing results, exhibiting confidence and your level of anxiety was under control. This continued when you were made redundant and went through difficult periods; there was a sense of determination to always come out on top.

My point in the first paragraph is although you have a past where you are coming from and several events have occurred ‘YOU MUST ALWAYS CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT YOU WERE DETERMINED TO RESOLVE ANY DIFFICULTY YOU WERE FACING’ Don’t let memories of the past be negative only ‘I was bullied as a teenager, nobody really liked me, I am not confident…. Come on give yourself some credit. What about good memories?? YOU DID IT ONCE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN.

Since then, I’ve changed careers, returned to uni on a part time basis, whilst working full time hours, 50+ a week, in a new and hard environment…………

It appears you have a goal and focus here because you changed careers (you must have a reason for doing that), is developing your skills/broadening your knowledge by going back to the university and these all constitute to part of your action plan for this phase of your life. It’s normal to feel tired, exhausted sometimes confused when we chart new courses because there are risks, time, money energy, emotions, decisions etc. involved.

To whom much is given, much is expected. One thing I always advocate is networking with a bit of common sense. Establishing positive relationships with your colleagues won’t do any harm, stop being hard on yourself and driving yourself beyond what you can take as a person.

There are a few flags raised against your self esteem and this is one of them. Give yourself a break, take pride in what you do, love yourself, be pleased with yourself and what you do.

There is a lot of valuable experience to be gained from your current place of work but you may not achieve anything if you are always:

• Hard on yourself
• Trying too hard
• Losing sight of your focus/goal
• Constantly putting yourself down.
• Failing to establish positive relationships with colleagues. Remember there is no ‘I’ in team.

Stop worrying about your past, you’ve conquered it before YOU CAN FACE GREATER CHALLENGES, YOU KNOW YOU CAN!!!!

Don’t tag yourself as a worrier, the challenges may be difficult but always remember those 2 years of your life were you gained control of your emotions, lived life in fierce storms and survived. There would be times worrying creeps up your mind, the future is uncertain, our steps/actions may go unrecognized, but try as much as you can to gain control of your emotions, show a bit optimism, build confidence from your past achievements, celebrate yourself, hang around friends and family, talk about it, do things for the right reasons and always have an action plan/strategy.

I’m really worried about this taking a firmer grip that it has already as I want to be successful and most of all happy…….

You have used the term worried a number of times in your question so it must be an issue. Take a deep breath, calm down, you will be fine. It’s not just only positive affirmations, but you must take action, do something!! You have the ability to make a change because you are determined and has done it before.

In this paragraph you have highlighted the effects of worrying: losing your attention, remembering the past (which you scaled through), social life etc.

A painful but true statement is ‘WE CANT BE LIKED BY EVERYONE’. Having said that we must try our best to communicate with people properly but some won’t GET IT!!! Do your job, gather as much knowledge/experience,  interact with people on your team, be as natural or as helpful as you can be, exert boldness, be firm..… Worry less about what people say or think about you, if its not constructive criticism, then it’s not worth your time energy or worry. Do your job, be happy with what you do, be an expert in your field, carve out your style and most if be yourself.

Being a people pleaser sometimes allows us become taken for granted, reduces our level of confidence, frustrates us, makes us vulnerable……

Be authentic, not nasty, YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE, BUT YOU CAN CREATE A POSITIVE IMPRESSION ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE MINDS OF EVERYONE, EVEN IF SOME DON’T LIKE IT.

Work on your strengths, it could be your lovely smile, listening habit, hard work, paying attention to detail, soft spoken, critical thinking…… There are good things about you. The question is DO you know them???

Build on your strengths. What’s wrong with being nice? Nice people are approachable, good listeners, team players…. go on I am sure you know the rest laugh!!! But in the cause of being nice you must always trust your instincts, use your common sense and learn to hold back sometimes even when it’s glaring you should get involved. Earn your respect and trust, don’t demand for it or try hard to get it.

I’ve had a bit of verbal bullying as a teenager, which I didn’t real deal with well and at times, thankfully, despite not being bullied……….

The good news is, you are no more a teenager. Your past shouldn’t condition your present or future state. You have a drive because you want to see changes in your outlook an personal development.

The past events although painful, but have a think about present/future event. What do you see? Is there a desirable goal? Is it realistic? Does it spur/motivate you? Go ahead believe in yourself, make progressive steps, find out what your strengths are and be comfortable in it.

We all have different backgrounds, values, upbringing, pasts etc some of them we would love to relive, others we would want to delete completely. In dealing with past events we need to look at actions we have taken previously that brought both positive results and failures. We also need to look at our present actions and see the direction in which they are heading.

We worry so much about the pains of the past; we forget the victories we’ve experienced. If your past had nothing positive about it, then it’s time to start working on your present/future to create a sense of joy and fulfillment no matter how little it is.

About you having no like minded people to help you through it… My take on that is there are people out there to build you up, encourage, motivate you; it depends on your approach and their understanding. REMEMEBER people could show you different paths to take, offer various suggestions, counsel etc YOU make the choices or decisions to improve yourself.

Be comfortable around friends and family, have fun with people. They don’t always have to understand all you are going through,  grow in positive relationships.

If you are looking for things to motivate you, this blog has enough topics covered on several aspects of personal development that would enhance your personal growth.

Remember you have great strengths; be authentic and comfortable in them. They can help you move forward and manage the future.

About Ayo:

Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive™ Life Coach and Counsellor. He is a member of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council, an accredited professional counsellor with the Counselling Society and the author of Expanding Your Horizons. If you would like to enquire about personal and professional one-to-one coaching sessions, please visit www.discoveringpurpose.co.uk or send an email to ayo@discoveringpurpose.co.uk. Remember, it’s about creating a purpose driven life through personal development.

Okay, It’s finally here.  I have been working on this for about a week and I have managed to get it nearly the way I want it.  I have missed writing to get it finished and planned to launch it last night but there were a few issues with it.

There are still a few issues with it just now like the images are not displaying properly, but I have decided to launch it and fix the problems as they arise as I want to get back to writing as quickly as possible.

The old site looked like this Click here to view old site

There’s still a lot of tweaking to do but I hope you’ll agree it’s a lot cleaner, meaner and easier to read.  I also wanted a great logo and to make the heading stand out a little more.

As you know I have been rethinking my blogging strategy over the last few weeks and have made some changes acording to my goal of reaching 10,000 subscribers by December 31st 2009.  I will be giving updates at the end of the month about that.

Let me know what you think so far

The pursuit of making more money has an energy to it.  If you are focused and have clear goals in mind and you concentrate on them every day and take action you can and will create more abundance in your life.

Is money the root of all evil?

We have been programmed to believe that the pursuit of money is bad and it’s not good for the soul.  This is without doubt one of the biggest lies we have been told as children, that and Santa Claus (I was gutted when I was told that Santa was a lie and I was 23 imagine how children feel!)

You’ve more than likely heard these sayings in your life:

• ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees you know’
• ‘We can’t afford it’
• ‘Money can’t buy you happiness’
• ‘The rich get richer and the poor get poorer’
• ‘To make more money you have to work harder’
• ‘Money is the root of all evil’

Until you rid yourself of the guilt of trying to better yourself financially you can’t begin to create more money into your life.  We’ll speak about four steps to creating more money in your life a bit later but for now I’d like to speak about the difference between greed and making more money.

Greed and money

Thinking of some of my heroes I used to think why would they try and make more money when they obviously don’t need it.  I am thinking of people like Richard Branson, James Dyson, Warren Buffet and Tony Robbins to name but a few.  However when reading their biographies, watching and listening to them on interviews it is clear their goal is not to make more money but to feel alive by building on their brand and their customer loyalty, with the possible exception of Warren Buffet who is an investment genius.  So their goal is not to make more money it is a by-product of their goal of achieving more in their life.  They are also philanthropists and they give back a hell of a lot to the world in the form of donations, settings up schools, giving knowledge and time to the younger generation.  This is not greed it’s a desire to reach their potential, which is what Abraham Maslow speaks about in his ‘hierarchy of needs’ theory.

Greed is a different animal altogether.  Greed is defined in the ‘New Oxford English Dictionary’ as: ‘Intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power or food.’ If your goal is to create more money into your life simply for your own selfish needs then life will be empty after a while.  Giving back something to the world in the form of money, knowledge, education, and time is something everyone should strive for, I believe.

Four steps to creating more money in your life

I have learned these lessons the hard way and it has taken me over twenty years to finally be able to understand them, from the beginnings of selling sweets in the playground to where I am now.  I still want to make more money and be financially able to do whatever I want but I am closer to my goal than when I first started out.

Step one – Blasting through your limiting beliefs

As I said in the beginning of this post we have been programmed to believe the pursuit of money and wealth is not good.  Get rid of this thought as quickly as you can for it will hinder you from making progress in your life’s goal to create more money in your life.  Money is the pathway to freedom for yourself and for others in your life.  You will have the ability to help more people by being wealthy than you will be by being poor.  Think of this for a moment:

More money in your life will mean you will buy more, when you buy more it means small and large businesses can stay in business, when they stay in business it means the banks can lend more money to them to expand therefore keeping the banks in business, when the banks are healthy financially it means they can lend more to people for loans and mortgages, when mortgages are purchased it means house builders are thriving, when house builders thrive it means more choice for house buyers and more social housing stock, when there is more social housing stock it means people getting out of poverty and bad housing conditions…………………….this could go on and on.

Look at the situation just now and what has happened to the whole economy because the banks have made poor decisions.  However we as a nation are perpetuating the situation by not spending the way we used to and if we are really honest our situation has not really changed we still earn the same monthly income, the price of food is the same, the price of clothes has gone down, the price of cars has gone down so we should be spending the same to keep the economy afloat.  However because a global financial crisis is great news for newspapers they print their horror stories and suddenly people have stopped spending, small businesses are going bust, house builders have stopped building and banks have stopped lending.  Do you think if the ‘Global Crisis’ was never reported on TV, on the internet or in newspapers we would be in this situation right now, I definitely believe we wouldn’t.  Yes this is an overly simplistic view of how the economy works but believe me when I say there are people out there making millions because the herd have listened to the media.

You were born to reach your full potential and that certainly does not mean living in poverty and scrimping and saving to get by in life.  There is enough money in the world for everyone to thrive and that includes you.  It’s time to open up your mind to the possibilities of making more money.

Step 2 – Creating your future

You can’t row your own boat until you know your destination.    You can certainly row someone else’s boat and that is what most of us do in life.  We go to school, leave and then go to university, leave and then row someone else’s boat by working for them, then we jump off the boat after 45 years service and retire when it’s almost too late to really enjoy life.  That’s not a life it’s an existence.

Rowing your own boat means controlling your own life.  yes it also means taking more risks and failing more but you will learn a hell of a lot about the world works and how you work and how to better yourself.  To do this you have to know what you want to do with your life, you need dreams to follow, you need a vision to hold and passion to drive you.

Start small, think big and build yourself up from there.  What do you want in life?

Now you know what you want you need to know how you get it.

Step 3 – Help someone create their dream

Yours dreams are undoubtedly different from mine however the key to making more money in your life is to help people realise their dreams.  What I mean by this is create something or pass on knowledge which will help someone else realise their dream.  Now, the dream the other person has might not be huge but if you help them and they are willing to pay for it then you have helped yourself and someone else at the same time.  When one person has a dream there are some others who have the same dream.

A fantastic example of this is someone who is selling an ebook right now, you can check it out on Google, called ‘How to build your own chicken coop‘.  You might think this is a crazy idea, but the owner of the ebook thought ‘If I wanted to know how to build a chicken coup, there must be others too’.  And now there are hundreds of happy people who had a tiny dream to build their own chicken coop and found someone willing to impart their knowledge for a small fee.  This book is doing great and making the owner a lot of money.

So you see, people have all different kinds of dreams big and small and if you can help people realise their dreams, big or small you can help yourself create more money in your life and help people around the world.

Step 4 – Once you’ve made it it’s time to share it

I am nowhere near this stage yet but it is my ultimate goal that when I have become wealthy enough to have anything I want in life I will share my successes and teach people how they can emulate my success.  And I will do this freely to people who have not made it yet and charge for it to businesses who are in the latter stages of step 3.  This way the knowledge is always going round and being shared and I cannot think of a better way to enrich the world than by sharing knowledge on how to better create more money in people’s lives.

Due to a monumental screw up by BT Plc I have not had internet access for 10 days, So I am back again and just setting a schedule for posting.

I was supposed to get my telephone number changed with BT as I wanted on old number back and instead of changing the number they decided to cut my line off instead which cut BT broadband off and Cut off the BT Vision off as well.  So I called customer service, quite angry, and after being passed around 5 different departments  was advised that the line had been cut off, duh!.

When I asked what they were going to do about it, they advised they would get me back on in 7 days time.  By this time I was fuming so I asked to speak to a manager and got a  Miss R Nelson who apologised and all that and promised me my line would be on within a day but the broadband was going to be 1 week.  Again I complained.  Miss Nelson advised she would call me within a few hours.  5 hours later and I received a call from a customer service advisor saying miss Nelson was away for the day and advised me she could not put the order through that day as there was some kind of problem.  I was then promised a call back in the morning which did not come until the afternoon and was told the Broadband would be going on for the 17th June.

I waited another day for the line to go on and nothing.  So I called and spoke to someone from India who advised me the line would be activated on the 17th, I advised I was told that the line would be activated on the 10th June and wished to make another complaint to the telecoms body and wanted the telephone number I was then given a telephone number of 0800 800152 which I know to be the business department and certainly not complaints, when I queried this the girl from India assured me that this was the number for complaints and then promptly hung up on me.

BT, if you monitor the net to find out what people are saying about you then I have this to say:

“Your treatment of your customers is an absolute disgrace and I am appalled at the customer service I have been given over the last 10 days.  Instead of laying off 10,000 employees I suggest you get back to basics and make customer service a priority where people actually own the call and we do not get the ‘BT Shuffle’.

You have a fantastic product in BT vision, your Broadband is a mess with your capping of download rates, your phone lines are always reliable, but please invest in your own people and give customers what they want and need from you or your share price and your place in the market will disappear fast.”