AVOIDANCE
We’ve all been there. Not wanting to do anything, ignoring a call, declining an invitation. Often, this happens for a good reason. We have demanding jobs and personal lives, a household to maintain, kids to keep out of trouble, all of which make up a fully- loaded life. Our days are in perpetual lock step with responsibility and obligation, and we feel no urge to disrupt the balance we’ve worked so hard to achieve.
And so, a degree of ennui sets in that makes us not want to take on anything beyond what we’ve already committed to. We stay fixed as we are, put off getting started on a personal goal, turn down an opportunity to engage, and pass on showing up for anything where our presence matters.
It’s all very understandable. We max out our energy. For some, we’re set in our habits and can’t break them or feel we don’t have the time. For others, we want to go through life as seamlessly as possible and feel we’ve achieved some semblance of balance not to be messed with.
Like I said, we’ve all been there.
CAN’T CATCH A BREAK
But all this avoidance, intentional or habitual, can turn into apathy that can lead to something worse than not getting involved. It can lead to regret. Bitter, unshakable, unmistakable regret. An unfortunate and undesired result of things left undone and passion left unpursued. A condition that is often a challenge to reverse, resistant to good intentions, impervious to a vow to do differently going forward.
Who signs up for a helping of regret?
The funny thing about regret is it’s never planned. We don’t ever set out to look back wishing we’d done something or gotten involved. It just happens. As we go through life in our finite plot of space and time, sticking with things that bring predictable and calculable results, time unwittingly passes us by.
Until one day, we find ourselves longing for bygone days. When we could’ve made a difference in someone’s life. When we would’ve been able to affect meaningful change. When we should’ve lived more passionately.
Once regret sets in, we’re forced to live with it. We deal with it by shaking it any which way we can; by trying to sublimate it; or by deluding ourselves into thinking we have no regrets.
Sometimes we succeed in letting go of regret. Other times, not so much.
The good news is, it’s never too late to do something. For as long as we have the ability to be apathetic, we have the ability to care. And as long as we have the ability to care, we have the ability to change our thoughts, and therefore, change our lives.
BEATING AVOIDANCE AND APATHY
How do we break down the walls of avoidance and apathy? Here are a few simple ideas:
1. Ask yourself some questions and answer them as honestly as possible.
- What’s missing in your life?
- What motivates you from within?
- What’s in your life that you can do without?
- What’s in your life that you can’t live without?
- What would you do if you knew you only had one year to live?
2. Dare to Dream. Have lots of them. Big ones, little ones. Make sure they’re yours and not other people’s dreams. Dreams stoke the fires of passionate living and guide us so that we may see possibilities beyond our current realities.
What images of you are you shoving in the back of your mind? What inner voices are you silencing? Ask yourself what you would do if you believed your potential was limitless.
- Would you live your life as your message a la Gandhi?
- Would you rock out while at the same time eradicating poverty a la Bono?
- Would you immerse yourself in as many cultures as you can in one lifetime?
- Would you start your own thing, with your very own brand of uniqueness, and grow it as big as you can?
Then ask yourself what’s stopping you. Is it because you think you can’t? What if it turns out that, with a little help from others, you can?
2. a) Make a commitment and take small steps on a regular basis. As we keep our dreams alive, a certain level of commitment combined with consistent itty-bitty steps are required to gain traction. Committing to a dream is not dissimilar to committing to doing our basic chores, paying our mortgage or rent, keeping our fridge and pantry well-stocked or regularly doing laundry. How do we manage to complicate something so simple?
3. Connect with other people who inspire you. Seek out others who are actively getting involved or literally building something and be inspired by them. A good place to start would be your community. Perhaps your town has a local celebrity you admire and whose work intrigues you.
Not too long ago, I met a young man named Mark Hanis, a grandchild of four holocaust survivors. He is the founder
of Genocide Intervention Network, an organization that empowers individuals and communities with the tools to prevent and stop genocide. Mark and so many others provide inspiration to those looking for a swift kick in the rear.
4. Accept an invitation. To what? A luncheon, tea, a party, an art gallery opening, a concert, a fundraiser, anything. Attending an event is one of the easiest ways to beat avoidance and apathy. If you’ve been wanting to support a local organization, consider attending an annual benefit. What you know on paper about an activity or an organization comes alive when you see theories in practice and when you witness the players in action. The amount of time it requires to be present at an event may be a solid few hours, but the education, motivation, inspiration and enrichment could very well end up being quite invaluable.
5. Begin to see that everything is interconnected. On the surface, it’s easy to blame others when something breaks down in a system. Whoever is in charge is likely the one to blame. But as we get older and acquire more demands and obligations in life, it becomes clear how interconnected everything is; that we are all responsible and that our action or inaction has consequences that affect others. As we warm up to this idea, we begin to understand a little bit better that each of us plays a part in the grand design and that we, with no exception, have the capacity to impact others beyond our small circle of family and friends.
ON GOING A LITTLE BIGGER
Most of us are well-meaning everyday folks with good intentions; with immense potential to make a splash; with incredible talents and gifts too good to waste. And yet months, years and even lifetimes go by with too many of us safely playing small. Taking only calculable actions with calculable results. Shooting only for demarcated goals that can be achieved well within our imagination. Caring only for people and about things that we know.
So often, we make priorities in life: about family, health, career, etc. that make sense to us. And this is great. But in doing so, we unwittingly subject ourselves to a limited worldview and leave out a critical fact that is undeniable and right there in front of us — our connection to others and how we are part of a bigger family: the human race.
What’s our role in strengthening this connection? Do we do something about it? Do we ignore it? What if all it takes is a simple “yes” and suddenly, a door swings open to a wider circle? One that can give us an outlet for the good intentions unrealized within us. One where apathy and avoidance are squeezed out. One where we nurture instead of neglect each other. One where our common thread of compassion, love and humanity thrives.
Believe it or not, this wider circle exists now. Shall we explore it together?
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Hi Steven,
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to guest post here and for being such a supportive blogger. Your material continues to inspire me and your wonderfully active community gives me hope that collaboration at the highest level is possible.
With much respect,
Belinda
Hi Belinda, thank you for a great first post on CYT, it was a great eye opener and a strong message to live life to the fullest.
I see you have already got a warm welcome
Hi Belinda,
Thank you for addressing this consequential issue. We frequently use our agendas as an excuse to avoid things in life. In so doing we really do miss out on many opportunities to become more deeply involved in life. Apathy is something that sneaks into our lives and can grow. One regret after another leads to a level of self-pity until we are A-Pathetic. It is not that we are pathetic but we sure can begin to feel that we are.
I do so enjoy your writing and your insight, your passion for life and love for the human race shines through.
Warm Regards,
Sandra
.-= Sandra Hendricks´s last blog ..The Authentic Self is Different to Everyone =-.
Hi Sandra, it’s true. I certainly know those days with overwhelming agenda when we wish we had more than 24 hours in a day. My hope is that we can learn to allow ourselves to disentangle from the mundane chores (that do bring us comfort and are no doubt very much a part of everyday life) if it means being out there actually living life and participating in things that enrich us.
Clean the house (for the millionth time) or meet Anne Lamott at a book-signing event? I’d pick the latter ; )
Dearest Steven!! This is so good! My favorite part is the questions you raise. WONDERFUL questions!! They really got me thinking. I copied them and am going to sit down when I have a break and answer them.
Fortunately I do not experience apathy, rarely avoidance or regret, HOWEVER, those questions you raise are STILL so powerful that I found myself wanting to sit down and answer them with pen and paper. Good job my dear friend. Thank you from my heart, Robin
.-= Robin Easton´s last blog ..Naked in Eden – Book Trailer =-.
Thanks Robin! Questions are as integral to our evolutionary process as the desire to seek answers is. But more importantly, we have to own the process and in particular seek answers that are right for us and not fall for having to adopt ones that appear to work for others.
Hey Belinda,
I think we all go into this AAR cycle every once in a while. But when it becomes a habitual thing, we need to start thinking seriously about they way we live our lives, and if it’s aligned with our highest values. Because it’s probably not, and that’s the root of it all. And it takes real courage to admit this, and to do something about it.
Hey Eduard, I agree, it takes courage. Too much looking within needs to be balanced with looking at the big picture, at our connectedness. I think that provides real perspective and certainly inspiration to see things very differently.
Hi Belinda,
Great subject and questions. I have always believed that apathy is the lowest state of consciousness we can be in. At least if we are angry or sad we feel something and can be inspired to take action, but apathy is ‘without feeling’. I can think of no bigger regret than wasting a lifetime or even a day in apathy. You have some great tips for breaking out of that low and torpid state. We are all here to soar and thrive — not cope, hide and barely survive.
Hey Rob, so true. As easy as it is to slip into invisibility, we’re not here to hide.
Wow, Belinda! What a powerful message. This is one of the best kick-in-the-butt articles to not live with regrets that I’ve read lately.
It’s so strange that so many people are going through the same emotions lately. I think a lot of people are very near to giving in to apathy, although of course they don’t want to. Life can get pretty overwhelming sometimes. You’ve given some great tips to get started on changing paths.
Thanks,
Karen
.-= Karen´s last blog ..How To Heal Your Relationships =-.
Hi Karen, thanks! It’s a universal human condition, this tendency toward apathy because there’s no shortage of distractions that pummel us at every turn. So much can make us retreat into what we know as safety. But I don’t think we’re here just to be safe. How boring is that?
Hi Belinda,
What a beautifully written article, thankyou. Such clarity, wisdom & knowing, it was lovely to read. I particularly liked your ref to Mark Hanis, more so because I am just about to read about Viktor Frankl myself, it really does help to put things into context, no matter how long it takes to put it there, I have certainly started to notice the ‘bigger picture’. For me though, the crux of this article is about being connected. Such an important, human need, really good to see the attention to this fact.
Kind Regards, Annette
Thank you so much, Annette. There’s so much emphasis on competition and, while I don’t think it’s terribly bad, I wonder how things would look if more of us put more focus on cooperation. Hey, I get to dream right?
Hi Belinda, thanks for this post. I feel this way sometimes too when I want to avoid things in my life. That apathetic feeling becomes a vicious cycle that just carries my mood downward. I like the questions that you set out for us, particularly the one on having one year left to live. If we live everyday as if we have limited amount of time, our perspective changes. And when we start serve and help others, we begin to go beyond ourselves. That’s when things like avoidance, apathy, and regret don’t have that big of a burden on us anymore and we can begin making a positive difference not only in us, but in the world as well.
.-= Hulbert Lee´s last blog ..Ivana Sendecka – Revolutionist, Inspiring Leader, and Blogger of Inspirational Shipments (Interview) =-.
Hi Hulbert, thanks for reading and for your great comment. It certainly sounds like you’re dreaming big (and not-so-big) dreams alongside me!
Sorting out the lessons learned from regret is what I do in this situation.
Whenever I avoid something and I regret it, I let go of the negative emotions attached to the feeling of regret. Then I extract the lesson I got from the experience and keep it, so that I would remember it in the long run.
.-= Julius´s last blog ..Assistive Technologies for Persons with Dyslexia =-.
Hi Julius, I’d be interested to hear more about how you let go of the negative emotions attached to the feeling of regret. Nice to connect with you here.
Belinda: Great post. Thanks for the motivation this evening. I thought what you said about daring to dream was great and right on point. We have to dare to have big dreams and go after them. When we can chip away at limiting thoughts and beliefs and know that we can dream big and accomplish our dreams, that is really when life comes together for us.
Hi Sibyl, thanks and I love your perspective. Some big dreams require collaboration with others — I find those, though never ever complete, very fulfilling.
Hi Belinda!
This cycle you wrote about is a dangerous thing. There was a time when I also experienced this. And your tips for getting rid of this are truly helpful. Thanks very much for sharing them!
.-= Roman Soluk´s last blog ..How to keep from getting fired =-.
Thanks, Roman. I wonder what people mean when they say they have no regret. It’s so easy to slip into avoidance. Glad to hear you got out of that cycle.
Belinda –
A great post here. You are exploring a fine balance between reaching our full potential and living a life of inner peace and contentment. It is a tough one to reconcile and I think your questions definitely help to think it through. I tend to think about having a long term vision that is big and exciting, and then making the most of each day of the journey. We don’t need to push to the limits every day to do something extraordinary – it can just be a string of small and important steps that get us to the destination. Thank you.
Phil
.-= Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last blog ..Be a Black-Belt Motivational Master =-.
Hey, Phil, yeah. I think we briefly touched on this when we met in person. I don’t think contentment is a bad thing. But when were too safe, too secure and not sharing our light with others, how is that good?
Hi Belinda,
You tackled a really good subject, something that everyone deals with from time to time, accomplished and “non”accomplished.
I believe a major factor in avoiding problems is comfort. Comfort is evil
Cheers!
Parker
.-= Parker Lee | howtomingle.com´s last blog ..7 Ways To Make Your Dreams Come True =-.
Hey Parker, how are you? Well, I have nothing against comfort but, if we’re hiding behind it and not sharing our gifts/talents with others, maybe we need to ask ourselves if that’s truly enough for us. From my experience, when someone gets how much he/she has to offer, he/she often wants to do more.
Belinda,
These are excellent tips. It’s always best to act as early as possible to avoid the emotional complications later on.
Hi Abubakar, thanks so much for reading. I think there are important lessons from emotional complications, as you say. After all, we’re emotional creatures who are capable of absorbing wisdom from our experiences. But yes, I think I get what you mean.
Hi Belinda,
This was excellent! I truly found it inspiring and so helpful.
Your questions were outstanding.
I think we should ask ourselves the questions you outlined periodically in our lives to be sure that we are being true to who we’ve become. We do change over the years and so do our dreams and goals.
Thank for this terrific article.
Hi Angela! Glad to hear you found this to be helpful. I sometimes wonder if people who appear to have all the answers are asking enough questions because for me, I don’t seem to ever run out of them. Answers always lead to more questions which, predictably, makes this process of living, of trying to get some things right, so damn engaging.
Poignant and lovely messages as usual Belinda. Thinking and dreaming larger, what a wonderful way to live. You always ask great questions. That’s the beginning, is’nt it?
Thanks for guiding me over to this great blog. I knew I recognized the name from A-List but had not yet visited. So glad I did. Inspired messages throughout, Steven. I’ve just subscribed!
Hey Katie! I love seeing your mug everywhere ; )! I think you will love Steven’s blog.
Hi Belinda,
very inspiring piece of writing. I think we can all learn from the apathy that occurs when we take too much for granted and get into that avoidance mind-set. It’s so easy to not be available for a couple of days or not reply to peoples requests but soon it becomes a habit. Then we basically become useless to ourselves and others!
I agree totally how important it is to notice how our lives interact with others and that we affect those around us. Being a happy person can help others to experience happiness too.
Thanks again for this post, Sean
Hi Sean. I love what you say here: “I agree totally how important it is to notice how our lives interact with others and that we affect those around us.” Beyond our differences lie so much common ground; we can all influence each other in positive ways — this is such a powerful potential that we have. There are numerous stories about poverty-stricken women in the Congo or Burundi, etc. who, with very little capital, learn to work together to make wonderful things happen in their lives. This is so inspiring to me and it’s not fantasy. It’s happening right now.
The questions to ask yourself alone is enough for me to spend the next few weeks in deep thought. “What is missing from your life?” I don’t know if I have the guts to answer this one honestly. I guess that is the purpose of this very post. I normally don’t go around looking for what is missing from me but I try to fill the void that might be evident in other people. I need to understand that it is okay to put myself first and get out of the “Cycle”. Thanks for some much needed advice.
.-= Frank´s last blog ..What doesn’t kill you…. =-.
Hi Frank, I do believe that if we don’t take care of our basic needs, we’re not going to be of much help to others. These questions can be scary, but owning them, owning the answers, can be so liberating.
What an excellent, well balanced, and powerfully helpful article Belinda. I am thankful to Steve for introducing you to his readers. This article really covered the “Avoidance-Apathy-Regret Cycle” in such a well rounded way. I am both impressed and appreciative. Thank you!
Hello, Jonathan. Yes, I, too. am thankful to Steven. What a wonderful community he has built here. Take care.
Steven — I am so pleased that Belinda has written this post and you’ve shared it on your site. I enjoyed reading through the comments very much, as well as exploring your site.
Belinda — I loved your suggestions and really thought about the questions you’ve asked. I realized I am pretty good at getting out of apathy and I do get things done, but I’m not so good at really going for the BIG dreams — believing I can accomplish them and then setting the goals to do so.
Something for me to think about:~)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Story Photo: Share with Others =-.
Hello Sara! How fun to see you here! I get what you’re saying. There’s so much for each of us to work on it’s dizzying just thinking about it. But how fun is it that we have so much to work with — we each have so much to offer.
Nice post and thoughts Belinda. Avoidance and regret are definitely positions to avoid. Very insightful.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..17th Annual Cool Desert Nights =-.
Thanks, Colleen. Hmmm, cool desert nights. I’m intrigued. clicking over now…; )
.-= Belinda Munoz + The Halfway Point´s last blog ..ALL CLEAR: FeedMedic Alert for thehalfwaypoint =-.
HI,
I am fresh after i read this, such a brilliant thoughts and tips.
Keep continuously writing
Niluka
Hi Belinda. You pose great questions here. I also really love the fact that you encourage us to connect with inspiring people. I’m much more likely to get up, get out, and follow through on commitments when I know that I’ll be around people that exude joy. Great post!
.-= Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..The 5 Love Languages – Your Key to a Healthy Relationship =-.
Brenda, there is so much here, that it’s going to take a few reads to digest. I like that you gave us ‘permission’ to acknowledge our apathy without judging it, but then giving us steps to do something about it.
.-= Steve-Personal Success Factors´s last blog ..Give Me Five Myths And Ill Give You The Truth- =-.