I’m not sure if you have ever watched the TV series, Lie To Me. If not, it involves an English guy played quite brilliantly by Tim Roth, who is a master at reading body language. He has his own company that specializes in helping the FBI spotting when people are telling the truth and when they are spinning great whoppers.
If you do a quick Google search for ‘reading body language’ you’ll get several million results. I wouldn’t advise you to do it though. Most of them won’t be worth the cyber paper they are written on and you’ll spend the rest of your life developing paranoia and thinking your family is plotting to kill you.
The reason why you’ll probably struggle to separate the good advice from the bad is because reading body language is a black art and a combination of a lot of different factors. Even experts regularly get it wrong and you could probably fit the genuine world-class experts on the topic onto the front page of Google.
So let’s take a look at some of the common beliefs regarding body language that you may have been exposed to. Read the list below and see which ones you agree with and which you don’t.
- If somebody touches their nose when they are talking they’re lying
- If somebody breaks eye contact they’re lying
- If somebody folds their arms they are being defensive
- If somebody can’t hold your gaze they are insincere
- If somebody walks around with a ferret down their pants they’re a pervert
- Actually it’s more likely they have an itch. Although they could be lying because fibbing can trigger a change in skin temperature leading to itching. Unfortunately for the budding Scooby Doo’s amongst us many other things can cause itching and it is probably no more accurate than having a random guess.
- It’s quite often just the opposite. When people know they are lying they will often try to look sincere by staring at the other person intently.
- That’s possible, but it could be that they have always done that (think academic types) or even that they are mirroring or matching (copying) your body language, so check you aren’t doing it too.
- They may be very shy, they may be autistic, they may be highly kinesthetic, they may be bored and yes indeed, they may be also insincere.
- They may just like the lovely feeling of a warm furry mammal scurrying around in their underwear on a cold winters day. Nothing wrong with that.
The point is, you can’t know any of the above unless you have calibrated the person to start with. By that, I mean formed a baseline of how they normally react in any given situation and that takes skill and time.
Let’s take the example of somebody that can’t hold your gaze. Can they normally hold your gaze? Can they hold other peoples gaze under normal circumstances? If the answer to those is yes, then that probably rules out shyness, Autism/Aspergers and being kinesthetic.
“A-ha! So they are insincere, I knew it all the time” Well maybe and maybe not.
You now have to take context and content into consideration. What is the conversation about? Are they embarrassed? Have they felt slighted and gone into their shell? Have they spotted a shiny new penny on the floor behind you? Are you boring their arse off? Have you got a big poached egg of a zit on your nose that they’re trying to avoid staring at?
Now can you see how easy it is to make mistakes and jump to inaccurate conclusions? Taking all that information on board simultaneously as well as holding a conversation is tricky at best and almost impossible for a novice.
And don’t at this point quote the TV program ‘Lie To Me’ at me. Yes it’s very accurate in some respects and based on the work of the worlds foremost expert in Paul Eckman. BUT and it’s a huge BUT, nobody can do it with that speed and accuracy, not even Eckman himself and he literally wrote the book.
I’ve told you how difficult it can be to read body language, so I suppose I tell you what you can do to give you a better idea of what to look for to have a clearer idea of what people are thinking.
The fact is, all of the reasons I listed originally could very well be correct and are useful to watch out for. You’re probably already very good at reading people you know. The reason for that is you know their baseline and their usual ways of reacting to given situations.
The main thing I look for with clients when trying to ascertain whether they’ll follow through on something and how committed they are is congruence.
A lack of congruity between words and body or even words and their tonality is a dead giveaway that they’re telling me one thing and thinking another. The latter is fairly easy to spot for anybody that has an ounce of sensory acuity.
Have you ever asked a miserable looking partner what was wrong, only to have “Nothing” snapped back at you?
That was a lack of congruity. The tonality and maybe even the body language didn’t correspond to the words that were coming out of his mouth. The best advice I can give you here is to say ‘Okey Dokey’ and head to the nearest bar for a cocktail with your friends and a great night out.
That will usually ease the situation, if not dump the loser, you can do better anyway.
If on the other hand he said “Nothing” in a cheerful voice it would be natural to assume they were being honest, although even then it’s not necessarily so.
Here’s where it can get even trickier. It’s possible that at a conscious level he genuinely believes nothing is wrong but his unconscious is sending all sorts of contradictory signals trying to warn him that you’re off out on the pull with the girls.
I get similar behavior regularly with clients. They agree to something, their voice tonality is compliant too, but they still don’t follow through. This used to bug the hell out of me when I first started coaching. Now though I’m half expecting it and looking for visual clues that may indicate incongruence so I can give them a damn good thrashing or words of encouragement depending on the circumstances.
For you delectation, here is a far from exhaustive list of potential ‘tells’ but please remember to calibrate first and be aware that cultural differences can come into play too. And don’t try and sue me when you get it wrong.
- Slight slump of the shoulders when agreeing with something
- Reddening of the face or neck
- Perspiring
- Tensing of muscles in neck/head area or even the arms or hands
- Defocusing of eyes
- Excessive fidgeting or possibly just the opposite (that’s helpful, eh?)
We all do every one of those from time to time, so as I say the trick is looking for changes of behavior, rather than what a book or a blog tells you are the giveaway signs.
So what a let down huh? I have effectively told you what you probably can’t do unless you practice by looking at photos and live footage of people for 8 hours a day, 6 days per week for the next 20 years.
There is value in knowing this though. It may stop you jumping to conclusions and presuming people are lying when they’re not. It may allow you to take a step back from time to time rather than diving head long into an argument just because your other half has a bit of an itchy nose.
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A great read! I know this is true, yet it perplexes me how the world talks about the cliche ‘first impressions’ all the time. As with other things, give the other person some time and observe his actions and habits. We shouldn’t be so hasty and judgmental all the time.
Agreed, I didn’t like my wife when I first met here. Good job I didn’t stick to my first impression.
Tim Brownson recently posted..Get Your Free Life Coaching Here
I love Lie to Me. It does seem hard though to read body language. Interesting article. Thank you for the insight and the tips. Am interested in learning more about how language is a give away. Seen a few coaches read well into words. Any tips on that.
Uzma recently posted..A healing journey- to write-to discover-to come home- to give
That’s a big one to answer in the comments Uzma, especially as the words are tied in with the body language, tonality etc. It’s all part of the same package.
Tim Brownson recently posted..Get Your Free Life Coaching Here
Just a thought. Wouldn´t it be better to focus on your own behavior than on the other persons? If you are relaxed and honest towards the other person you will bring forth the same qualities in him or her. We spend a lot of time today to try and figure out what´s behind a persons behavior and as you point out Tim it gets us confused. Isn´t it honesty and confidence we want from another person and what we want to give him or her? Let´s just suppose they are honest and confident and meet them that way, thus bringing it forth from the depth of their beings. At least I have found this working. Of course it doesn´t work all the time but often.
Tom Sörhannus recently posted..The Fulfillment Of Our Essential Nature Tantra part 6
I hear what you’re saying Tom, but I’m a Life Coach and paid to concentrate on other people!
Tim Brownson recently posted..Get Your Free Life Coaching Here
Thanks for this post, Tim. I’ve taught body language in a previous life and I do think it’s a bit overhyped but there are some things that are general – for example men do prefer to stand side by side by talking instead of face to face etc.
I went on an all-day seminar with a large group of colleagues and a body language consultant and every time we moved or held ourselves in a certain way she pounced. ‘Carl, stop sitting like that you’re rejecting me’ she said mid-afternoon (actually I had cramp) but I got my own back. I noticed when she looked at my group she would keep her glasses down on her face but every time she turned to another group she would raise her glasses above her hairline – then as she looked back at us the glasses came down again.
‘I can see what you’re saying to that group when you raise your glasses at them’. ‘I raise my glasses when I look at them? Do I?’. Yes, everyone agreed she did. ‘OK Carl, what do you think I’m saying to that group?’.
‘You’re saying you might have everyone else fooled but I don’t need my glasses to see you for the dirty manipulating scumbags you really are’.
We didn’t get another criticism that day. Well, I just wanted to show I was paying attention.
Carl recently posted..Attention Test
Ha! I like it, thanks for sharing!
Tim Brownson recently posted..What’s Your Drug Of Choice
A very interesting post. I have heard that looking up and to the left is a sign someone is making up a story. Or it could be up and to the right. Either way I this is a notion from NLP. In general i agree with how important context is when considering someones behavior. We must consider our frame of reference as well. I think we can find support that someone is lying if we are looking for it. This is something we must be careful of.
joe Wilner recently posted..10 Tips for Leading a Happier Life
A visual construct (I.e.e we are imagining something) is up to the right, but that is an unreliable way of checking as it applies to less than 70% of people, and then there may be good reasons why they were looking there.
Hey Tim,
You make me laugh! Great article aswell and I was on a date a while back and the woman straight away accused me of being defensive when I crossed my arms LOL but the truth was that there was no arm rests where we were sitting and my arms were tired!
My favorite example is talking about poker when I talk to people about body language. In the movies they might show the hero or villain as having a single ‘tell’…yeah as if life is that easy. I love watching poker on TV to try and spot patterns that the top players have when they bluff or otherwise. There is no such thing as a single ‘tell’. The reason they’re as good as they are is because they have discovered their own tell and can disguise it on will.
Body language is definitely anything but black and white and this is a wonderful piece to bitch-slap those who take everything they read as gospel!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice recently posted..How To Bounce Back When Life Bitch-Slaps You Several Times!
Tell you what else poker players are brilliant at (The good ones anyway), intrapersonal skills. In other words reading their own internal gut reactions.
Google the Iowa Gambling Test for the best example on that. Or even better, buy a copy of How To Be Rich and Happy because we talk about it in there
Frankly, the only “body language” that interests me … is my wife’s!
Thanks Tim, appreciate your contribution!
Contrarian recently posted..Antogonizing the Dunces of the Confederacy
If someone won’t hold your gaze, slumps down in their chair, answers very quietly – they may be ashamed, or they may just be a traditional Pacific person whose culture tells them that looking someone in the eye or having their head above yours is disrespectful.
I heard about a bar fight that started with this kind of misread body language. A guy spilled his beer on another guy and apologised. Second guy gestured with both hands, as if pushing the apology away, “No problem.” First guy: “No, I’m really sorry.” Second guy: same gesture, “No, that’s fine.” First guy decks him.
First guy was from Tuvalu, where apparently that gesture is a threatening one.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..How You Can Live Skillfully and Change Your Life
Absolutely Mike, there are definitely cultural consideration too.
Although when it comes to facial expressions alone like contempt, anger, disgust etc, there are almost no differences across cultures.
Tim Brownson recently posted..What’s Your Drug Of Choice
An interesting read Tim! There’s no doubt that the body language is an integral part of pretty much all face-to-face conversations. Sometimes deciphering that language can be a daunting task though. The problem is that people are different and what one does with his body in different situations can depend from person to person. On the other hand sometimes even an itch can be taken as if the one your talking with is lying. So unless you have a degree on the subject, you can hardly judge the person’s emotions just by his body language.
Daniel Sharkov recently posted..How to Stay Focused and Keep Writing in 4 Steps
Agree with all that.
Tim Brownson recently posted..What’s Your Drug Of Choice
Unless you’ve known a person for a long time, there seem to be too many confounding variables. I work the front desk at a hotel. In the slow season, when someone asks the room price and then needs to consult the wife, I need to decide quickly whether they are being truthful or they are leaving. If I always drop the price it cuts into the rather thin profit margins. If I don’t drop the price and it was too high, I’ve lost a room rental. After hundreds of these, it’s still a guessing game. Age, class, culture, too many things make people act differently.
David Smith recently posted..Stages of the Writing Process
Hi Tim,
Very informative and well thought out article (great sense of humor too!). I love your conclusion. It’s very empowering to realize that we are quick to jump to conclusions because of our own personal set of beliefs. The more aware we are of the filters we see life through… the easier it becomes to remove them.
rob white recently posted..How Help Arrives
Agreed Rob, if that is the will is there to change
Tim Brownson recently posted..What’s Your Drug Of Choice
Hey Tim,
I must admit that I did believe folding your arms could come across as defensive so for the longest time I made a mental note of that. One example is a job interview. Although this article has opened my eyes to some myths I still think it is somewhat important to consider that someone else might be applying those myths to you. Therefore I still might act accordingly.
In terms of myself I have learned to never assume anything when it comes to dealing with other people. If I am not sure about something I will just ask. As you mentioned, there are too many factors to consider and I am not a mind reader and neither is my partner. That is why we make it a habit to communicate.
With my wife, I believe the amount of effort it takes is worth it because I truly care for her and I am with her most of the time. But for a casual person I just met their body language doesn’t really concern me at all because I am not emotionally attached to them.
Randy
Randy McLean | Self Development Tips recently posted..How to Press on in the Midst of Trials
Thanks for the comments everybody. I actually replied to all of you individually and the responses have vanished, so not sure if they are sat in moderation.
@Randy – I agree mate, of course folded arms can be a sign of defensiveness and there is nothing wrong with paying attention to the possibility we may be giving off the wrong signals.
Tim Brownson recently posted..What’s Your Drug Of Choice
Interesting article. I do agree that accurately reading body language is not practical for the average person; however, there are people who become experts in doing so.
Something that is more useful to the majority of us is learning to use your own body language to communicate with people in a way that isn’t off-putting. If you know that people perceive crossed arms as a sign of nervousness, lying, shyness, or discomfort; you can learn the importance of not crossing your arms during an interview or a speech.
I guess we can get something out of everything.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga recently posted..20 Awesome Quotes on Self Confidence
Great post. Thanks. As a fiction writer, I love this stuff for the way it enriches character.
As a matter of fact, though, we read these signals all the time, based on observation and experience. Bad training, as others have pointed out, can make us sure of what we don’t really know, but learning to read those subtle signals can sure save a lot of trouble.
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