This is the seventh session of Ask The Coach. The main aim of this weekly session is to ask you, the reader, to ask a question to the coach by posting a comment on this post and each week myself and Ayo Olaniyan will attempt to help you by answering your question.
Question from Tim Stewart Answered by coach Ayo Olaniyan
Tim’s question in full
Hi
I work in an environment where there is a lot of gossip, I find myself getting angry, when I hear about rumours about myself that are not true, and I don’t know how to handle people that make their judgement of my charachter based on those rumours…knowing that they haven’t taken the time to even get to know me.
In one particular instance there is a person who makes it a point to ignore me at work, gives me the evil eye etc. I have confronted her, and the reply I got before she walked off was “I do not want to converse with you, you can’t be trusted”
I now don’t talk to that person as i believe that I have done all that i can do, and now believe that she is the one with the problem, but I still feel uncomfortable around her.
Hope you can help.
20 Ways To Deal With Office Gossip
Hello Tim,
Thanks for posting your question on Ask The Coach.
Office Gossip is simply idle talk or rumours about the personal or private matters of colleagues at work. It is a very painful experience being the victim of an office gossip and saying I have all the answers on how to resolve such issues would be false.
My response to would be split into 3 different stages:
- Victim Recovery.
- Resolving The Problem.
- Learning from the whole experience.
Resolving The Problem:
This involves looking at various ways of putting a stop to all the unnecessary rumours about you.
- Think: Think carefully on how you want to approach the issue.
- Know the facts: Be sure to have/know all the necessary information and facts of the matter before confronting any individual involved in spreading such rumours.
- Confrontation: Once you have thought of how you want to deal with the issue and your facts are correct, it’s up to you to make that choice of confronting the individuals involved, to find out why they take delight in slandering you.
- Higher Authorities: If it’s absolutely necessary, get the higher authorities (managers, supervisors) involved. Your reputation may be at stake here and it’s worth salvaging all that is left of it.
- Natural Death: Give enough time for the gossip to die down naturally. Don’t force, push or strive hard to extinguish it. It would eventually fizzle out before you know it.
Victim Recovery:
I feel this is important because it’s a human that’s been slandered. The victim goes through all kinds of frustration, damaged reputation, anxiety, all sorts of unnecessary worries just because of such rumours.
- Always Be Yourself: This is very difficult particularly when you are going through all sorts of slander. Don’t lose your identity or make compromises in order to gain acceptance or be a people pleaser.
- Integrity: Keep building your credibility and working on your integrity. Act responsibly in any given situation. Work on areas where there are elements of truth that may damage your reputation.
- Safeguard your emotions: Try as much as possible to guard your emotions. There may be a tendency to ‘explode’ in anger due to what’s being peddled about you or retreat to a shell worrying about the backlash of events, should there be some truth in it. At this point I recommend you be in total control of your emotions. The last thing you want is creating a big scene giving rise to another rumour, disciplinary actions, exchange of words…… There are better ways of expressing yourself and being firm, assertive and in control.
- Get some rest: Worrying continuously tends to disturb your sleeping or rest pattern. You need rest to maintain a healthy body and be refreshed for another day’s hard work. Your health or work shouldn’t suffer because you are unable to get adequate rest due to various worries.
- Value positive relationships: It’s important you value positive relationships with people who refused to partake in such gossip. They serve as your defence in whole scenario and you can draw so much strength from them.
- Revenge: Don’t attempt to carry out any revenge on the individuals peddling such rumours. You may not be as skilful as they are and their hearts may be as hard as stone. Deal with any urge to start a rumour (true/false) about such individuals. Resist the temptation of carrying out any revenge because you stoop so low by coming down to their level of reasoning and it makes you just as horrible as they are.
- Avoid arguments: Learn to call it quits when you are not making any headway with the individuals involved in peddling such gossip. Avoid all forms of unnecessary arguments because it creates unwanted tension and anxiety.
- Maintain your self confidence: Hold your head high up when you walk and live by your principles/examples.
- Reconciliation: Reconciliation is coming together to reach a compromise in order to resolve issues or difficulties that may exist with anyone. It is very difficult to come to a place of peace, understanding and tranquillity when it comes to resolving office gossip, but maturity is displayed when you come together to resolve your differences even if it means you going separate ways, enforcing discipline or minimizing your levels of contact.
Learning from the whole experience.
- In the event of it being true, learn to be disciplined and act responsibly.
- Avoid creating any suspicions in the minds of people.
- Do not be found in compromising positions and situations.
- Where there’s been a betrayal of trust by someone you speak with regularly, it’s time to redefine such relationships.
- Always remember what is private, stays private. Don’t reveal unnecessary information that won’t foster work progress.
- Be delighted and hold your head high up, when you’ve been criticized for being efficient in your job.
The Final Word:
If you have been involved in starting or promoting an office gossip, STOP IT!!! YOU COULD BE THE NEXT VICTIM OF A NEW OFFICE GOSSIP.
I look forward to your positive feedback.
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Ayo this is a great response to a common problem in the workplace, especially offices. I like the in-depth approach you have taken and come at it from all angles.
.-= Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..Seeing the Beauty in Ugliness =-.
Hello Steve,
I am glad you liked the post. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to express myself.
.-= ayo´s last blog ..50 personal development tips to propel your life. =-.
I love this post – as the same principles are applicable in any social circle, and not just in the office.
.-= bretthimself´s last blog ..Why I Am Free =-.
Hello Bretthimself,
Good to know you loved this post. I also agree with you on the principles being applicable in social settings.
Take care then.
.-= ayo´s last blog ..50 personal development tips to propel your life. =-.
Perhaps one of the most life thwarting counterproductive organisational behaviours around. Even when things are mentioned ‘in a bit of fun’ they can have an unintended and adverse effect of someone’s reputation. I would rank retaining integrity and self esteem pretty high in your list Ayo.
.-= Paul Johnston´s last blog ..Is Selling The New Marketing? =-.
Hi Ayo, thanks for helping Tim out. You gave some great tips on your list. There will always be people that you work with that will be idiots and spread rumors about you that are not true. I think one of the best things to do is just to remain calm about it, and not let your emotions take over or give into other people’s nonsense. By building credibility and a positive attitude, the gossip and rumors will eventually die down over time and you’ll gain respect from other people at work. This might also help time out. Just my two cents.
I’ve never understood gossip. We must guard are words.
.-= Justin- AlittleBetter.net´s last blog ..What Is A Better Life Anyways? =-.
Paul – Thanks for your comment Paul. The purpose or end result of any form of office gossip is a damage to ones reputation, threatening of a career etc. It is very important we keep our integrity/credibility intact.
Tristan – Hello Tristan, thanks for your contribution. It’s important we remain calm at all times inorder to act responsibly and properly to confound people that expect a negative reaction from us. Although it’s not an easy task considering our reputation is at stake here, but we have to work very hard at it.
Justin – Hello Justin, you have raised a key point. We must guard our words i.e. becareful of what we say, when & where we say it and finally how we say it.
.-= ayo´s last blog ..50 personal development tips to propel your life. =-.
Nice one Ayo – I think it is a very, very informative post and I hope Tim takes his time savouring all the points one at a time.
My additional take for Tim is that gossip is a reality – don’t get angry just deal with it. In different offices I noticed that the people who did less integrating were the targets of gossip and bullying. Whilst it shows integrity to stand aside on the grounds that you are not a gossiper, that is what can actually make you the target. Do you think perhaps you don’t share enough about yourself to satisfy their acceptance of you as ‘one of them?’
You can mix in and be popular without taking part in the gossiping yourself but don’t set yourself too much aside because in the absence of information from you, bored or malicious people will just make things up in the smoking break. You’ve heard that saying ‘nature hates a vacuum?’
My Moms worked in a restaurant once and was very into getting the work done well and going home. Whilst the kitchen staff chatted about last nights television or whatever, my Moms would work busily around them. So when large pieces of pork and legs of lamb started to go missing – guess who they, (who were all in on it), ganged up and blamed? She was even stop-searched by the police on her way home, they found nothing but an apron, cough mints and some used tissues! Just a quick moment to mingle and laugh at their silly jokes once in a while would have made the difference and she needn’t have become involved in the pilfering when it started.
Ayo is right that the gossip should die a natural death if you let it and by making good friends with people who WANT to know you, focus on them and not the meanies. Slowly grow your own ‘army’ of friends who will have your back even in your absence, which is a killer to gossip. I particularly like Ayo’s points 1. 5. and 6. which support this.
Integration doesn’t come naturally to everyone, if it doesn’t for you, you have to make that little bit more effort.
Thanks Rosie
My position as a Security Officer at a hospital requires me to have/display a high level of integrity and ethics, as I was reading your post, the saying “Familiarity breeds contempt” came to mind and I am not always sure that those that want to know me aren’t doing so for an ulterior motive (ie Let’s get some gossip on the Security dude, so we have something over him – believe me it happens) so you are right to assume that I am guarded about my personal life.
Yet by sharing some of my life experiences, along with listening I have found it to be a useful tool to build rapport, and it has got me out of some “tricky” situations.
The work I do is not always easy as I have to make judgement calls regularly and, if at times I make the wrong call then I take responsibility and move on.
The issue of Gossip has been a perplexing one for me and this post has certainly given me some insight and answers, your suggestions of intergration are also helpful, thankyou!
Finding a balance between my main job function of Detecting, Detering, Observing and Reporting and taking a risk to be open to others is certainly going to be a challenge in time to come!
Hello Rosie,
Thanks for your encouraging words. Thanks for also pointing out the need to integrate (with a bit of common sense though!!) and the importance of striking a balance when relating with people.
.-= ayo´s last blog ..50 personal development tips to propel your life. =-.
Thanks Ayo for a thought provoking post on tackling a key issue at work.
I have found that a lot of factions form and gossiping starts when there is uncertainty or a lot of competition and hustling for promotion and recognition.
So when people gossip it is really their own issue. I say to people that to avoid gossipping about someone, just assume that they can actually hear what you are saying – and indeed at a subsconscious level they can:-)
.-= Arvind Devalia´s last blog ..Find Peace Today rather than One Day, Some Day! =-.
People sure do have a nasty tongue. Especially when there is someone who stands out .
I’m not in the office (so to say) anymore since I decided to stay home to raise my children but even when I was at school, rumors really annoyed me. Today I laugh and know that the cause of most rumors is that they are envious and they lack self confidence.
I especially like #4.
People who are envious will come around and bite you or twist your words the first opportunity that they get. So when I see that little envious head I generally stay away form these kinds of people.
All the best,
Eren
.-= Eren Mckay´s last blog ..Ideas for no carve pumpkin face decoration for kids =-.
I’ve never understood gossip neither. Some people just like to run their mouths. Watch what you say
.-= Mike (Dallas)´s last blog ..How to find a home quickly in Dallas Fort Worth Texas =-.
Hi Ayo,
I am new here and it’s really an honor to be here. Thanks for the details. Got an idea from it.
Regards,
Chris
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Spacesaving Mini Sewing Machines =-.