About Mike Reeves-McMillanI’m in my early-getting-on-to-mid forties, and even though I come from a long-lived family, that means that I’m probably somewhere around the middle of my life. I have approximately the same amount of past as I have (likely) future. Sometimes, it seems like I have a tremendous lot of it. When it gets to the point where you can talk about events of 20 years ago and that was when you were a young adult, it hits you – much like that moment when you meet a teacher, or even worse, a doctor, who’s younger than you.
Your past
The past is an amazing resource. It contains some wonderful moments and some brilliant lessons. But it also contains a lot of stuff I don’t need any more.
My wife and I recently cleared out our garage. We threw out some things we brought with us when we moved more than five years ago, and hadn’t looked at since – and some of it had moved with us five years before that, and some of it had moved out of my parents’ home with me (where I hadn’t looked at it for years previously) and only been touched since when I moved house. I still had class notes from high school which I hadn’t ever read over since I passed the relevant exams.
Part of what that exercise brought home to me was that, on the inside also, I’ve been carrying around a lot of stuff which was unexamined and unneeded, just because I’d always had it.
Those boxes of irrelevant paper, and the occasional useless object, were anchors tying me to my past. Now, I kept a lot of stuff as well – all my creative work, all my photographs, some cards with notes in them from people who appreciated me, reminders of a few good moments. But most of the really valuable memories stay with me without any mementoes.
Unfortunately, so do some of the negative memories. I don’t need a photo or a journal entry to help me recall moments of rejection and disappointment, or stupid decisions that I later regretted.
Social media
Recently, like a lot of other people, I imagine, I’ve been reconnecting on Facebook with friends from years ago. In many cases, I haven’t seen then in 20 years or more (there it goes). They’re middle-aged too. Most of them have married (some of them whose first weddings I attended have remarried, which I’m sad about), most of them have had children, they’ve worked at, in most cases, I know not what jobs, there’s a 20-year gap in our knowledge of each other. Some of them look almost exactly the same, while others I wouldn’t have recognised if we passed in the street.
What we have to connect us is shared memories, and perhaps a mutual regard for the people that we were and still, to some extent, are. And yet I’ve changed a lot in that time, almost beyond recognising myself, and surely some of them have too.
One of the challenges of this kind of reconnection is that there are people in your past who were difficult, who you didn’t have positive regard for, and some of them also have Facebook accounts and are in touch with the people you did like. One of my friends recently sent me a friend suggestion for a woman we both knew at the time we first met. That was an incredibly difficult time for me, and although my friend wasn’t involved in the negative aspects of it, this woman was. I won’t go into detail, but basically she made a bad situation worse through what I still consider extremely poor leadership. And even though I’ve done a lot of inner work around both that situation and the issues within myself that led to it, after 20 years I’m still not interested in reconnecting with her.
Exercise to let go of that anchor
I’ve been thinking of this as a fault, a lack of forgiveness, a failure of imagination (I’ve changed a lot – perhaps she has too? But I just can’t imagine her being someone I’d get on with.) But the other way to look at it is this: that’s a part of my past I want to leave behind, not reconnect to. Just because I’ve had it for a long time doesn’t mean I have to keep it in the garage.
Imagine a large ship. Maybe a cargo ship, filled with hundreds of containers.
It’s anchored to the dock.
Now imagine that it’s slipping its mooring and gently starting to move. The dock falls behind into the mist. It’s on its way to a new destination.
That was the image that came to me when I thought about the topic of letting go of the past.
Now go back to that image. Close your eyes (when you’ve read the next bit, obviously) and imagine yourself as that ship, and some dark part of your past as the dock. You can unload some containers there, if you like.
Now let go the mooring lines and watch the dock disappear as you steam off on your new adventure.
You don’t have to go back to that port if you don’t want to.
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Mike, great thoughts today, man. I agree – I think the past can trip us up if we’re caught up in our mistakes. Like you, there are some past events I’d rather lose a body part than ever repeat.
But I think our past and our memory of it exists to do something far greater if we let it. We can reflect on our greatest successes – when we felt the most alive, when we felt we couldn’t lose – and recreate that state of mind as we drive into our tasks. No, don’t live there. But use it to help you steer your future where you want it to go!
Thanks for the thinker, Mike!
Bryan Thompson recently posted..Do You Still Believe in Martin Luther King’s Dream
Well said, Bryan – the past is a rich fund of resource for us as well. You’re talking about anchoring? One of the greatest methods there is for changing your state of mind.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..How Not to Change Your Life- Talk in Jargon
Thanks, Bryan, and well said – the past is a great fund of resource as well. You’re talking about anchoring, right? That’s one of the best techniques I know to change your state of mind for the better.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..How Not to Change Your Life- Talk in Jargon
The interesting point about whether re re-connect with things from the past is that we have the choice to do this, or not. Thefre is no “should” or “must” in it. Should’s and must’s take away our power in individuality. They take away our very being! By making a choice, we consciously or more often unconsciously evaluate the pro’s and con’s and finally make a decision.
To clear out unwanted clutter is a decision and choice.
I love you metaphor of being anchored to the dock.
Cheers for another great blog buddy.
Marty
Marty recently posted..How to accept Change positively
Thanks, Marty. That was pretty much the conclusion I came to. I didn’t get to choose whether I connected with that person the first time, but I can choose the second time around. Living life skillfully is about paying attention and making choices.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Hi Mike, what a timely and much-appreciated post.
This year is my 25th high school reunion, and while I have really enjoyed cyber-connecting with my classmates on Facebook, I don’t feel the desire to personally reconnect and spend an entire weekend with the group. I’m sure that old negative feelings from the past will resurface for me, no matter what happens or how nice we all are to each other.
I’m going to decline the invitation and decide which classmates I want to connect with in person and do it on my own, rather than deal with the group and dredge up old stuff I want to leave behind.
Melody
Well done, Melody. You’re probably right about how things would go – old group dynamics resurface at reunions all too easily. Better to retain your choice.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
timely post.. im looking into my past these last few months. i’ve begun to write the memories down, good or bad so i can review them. march 2011 i’ll be 51.
New Year seems like a good time to think about the past and future, doesn’t it? Birthdays, too.
One thing about memories – they’re fiction, to a large degree. The more often you review a memory, the more certain you become of it, and the less accurate it gets.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Mike,
This was a very interesting exploration! It’s left me in a reflective space without much to say in words. So sorry for the brief comment. Just would like to say thanks for stirring this pot.
Sandra Lee recently posted..Free Yourself with Free Writing
My pleasure, Sandra, always glad to help someone enter a reflective space.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Mike, I wonder how many of those reading this blog post loose sleep and experience stress from all the thousands of lives lost in the Peloponnesian War, in 431 BC? The answer is zero. Non of us even think about it. The reason is because it is in the past. Here’s the important distinction: yesterday is just as over as 431 BC.
Contrarian recently posted..The UnHappiness Project
That’s very true. The difference for us is that we have an emotional connection to the events of yesterday. So if we’re able to let go of that and allow yesterday to be what it was, it’s the same as 431 BC….
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Hi Mike,
I needed to read this post. I’ve had friend requests from old friends I left behind years ago, with good reason. I have no wish to reconnect with people who evoke bad memories. I’ve been feeling guilty over this until I read this post. It’s ok to move on and let go. Thanks so much Mike!
~Dandy
Dandy recently posted..Cognitive Distortions- Win against it
Really a pleasure, Dandy, so glad I could help.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Hi Mike, you speak some serious truth here!
I think our past exists only in our memory, where we use it how we choose. Problem is, most people will dwell on the bad times, and poison their current thinking with limiting beliefs.
If we alter how we feel, by removing the old anchors and sailing through the present, towards the future, we will become better people
Stuart recently posted..How Do Successful People Think
That’s well summarised, Stuart.
Like money and government, the past is a kind of collective delusion. It only exists because we agree it exists. And, like money and government, it’s a good servant but a bad master….
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
I dont know why you always have to post such amazing posts, to be true, I love the way you show us different techniques, although some of them quite hilarious but some are very efficient.
Thanks, Harry – I love techniques and I try to make them as interesting and easy to use as I can.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..How Not to Change Your Life- Talk in Jargon
Very interesting stories and advice. It’s true that just as there are helpful connections to make in life, there are also connections that can be an energy strain.
Using your mind to let go of those “anchors” is really helpful. Thanks for the great method.
Bryce Christiansen recently posted..Two Way’s to Live Your Life
You’re very welcome, Bryce, as always. Thanks.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Hi Mike. Glad to connect with you, The past can be an anchor for sure, I suppose the future can be too. personally I find more and more that it’s a pleasure to let go of both anchors and just BE.
Christopher Foster recently posted..9 steps to a new life
That’s true, Christopher, the future can be an anchor (for good or ill). Anchors have their place. I use a technique with my clients of connecting to a desired future state with an imaginary cable and reeling it in. But there’s a great deal to be said for living in the moment, free.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Our past can offer a huge resource in areas that we can learn and grow. Most certainly, it is not about reliving it but to learn to let the grievances go. I enjoyed the metaphor of the ship leaving the dock. It’s great to be able to use visualization as an aide in the process of letting go. Thanks for providing an easy idea for a metaphor to visualize.
Evelyn Lim recently posted..Inner Alchemy Through Life Lessons
Thanks, Evelyn, I find that a visual metaphor – especially one with movement – is helpful to me, too.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
This is an awesome article.
It is true I believe most of the time going back is stirring up old resentments and questionable efforts of why now not then.
The possibilities that one person may be out for revenge still enters my mind.Although I would love to think let go – let love would apply after time.
Bunnygotblog recently posted..Update
Thanks. Ultimately we need to let go one way or another, or else we’re forever stuck.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
The past is what it is, the past – it can’t be change by thinking about it, so I take what I learn from it and leave the rest….
Katie Brandt recently posted..Freedom Fest in Milwaukee WI Febuary 5 Enroll for 1
Good plan.
Though your perception of it can be changed….
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Hi Mike. I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept lately since I’m doing a lot of letting go. I choose to keep reminders of the good times, not because I can’t remember them without those reminders, but because it makes me feel good. As for people/things that don’t give me great memories, I don’t feel the need to keep them around. It is hard to let go of people you’ve had around for decades, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga recently posted..Coping Strategy Rehab- Your Prescription for Defense Mechanisms
Agreed, Nea. The important point is that we do have a choice about what we keep around – including old emotions.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Hi Mike,
This is such a nice reminder about letting go and about simplicity! I believe in the power of simplicity and totally connect with what you are saying. I myself have gotten rid of a lot of mementos recently that I had not touched in years.
Pardon me for this but I have a feeling you are still connected to this lady you mention, you haven’t let go. By trying to avoid her and other negative memories, may be you are doing just the opposite, holding on to them.
I don’t think I have any negative memories. If I feel uncomfortable about a past situation, I feel I have not yet learned the lesson it offered.
I believe that we create our lives, everything in it. I feel responsible for all the hurt I ever faced, not in a bad, guilt-inducing way, but in a ‘opportunity for improvement’ sense.
If I had such a person from the past, I will see her as an opportunity to learn where I can improve. I will see her as a window into a part of myself that I have been uncomfortable with and have been trying to avoid. To me, true understanding of self will come from embracing all there is to learn, even from the most embarrassing moments.
True meaning of ‘letting go’, to me, is neither attachment to, nor avoidance of anything from our past.
This is just what I would do. This is just a friendly input. I am not, in any way, trying to judge your actions. I understand that I may be completely wrong about you. I sincerely wish you peace with all your past. I hope when you let go, you will let go with love.
Rahul Singh recently posted..How to know whether you are proud
Oh, yes, there’s definitely still something between us, or it wouldn’t trouble me one way or the other whether I connected to her or not. That’s completely true.
However, my judgment is that reconnecting would strengthen the negatives rather than resolve them. I have been, and am, doing other work to resolve the issues, which reside with me, after all.
(I think it’s risky to say flat out that we create everything in our lives. There’s a balance to be had between taking responsibility for our own decisions and their consequences, and recognising that sometimes stuff just happens. We’re still responsible for our responses to events, but I don’t agree that we’re always responsible for the events themselves. Still, taking difficult times as opportunities is a good perspective.)
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
I related to every part of this, Mike. Even though I’m still in my (late) 20s, that awareness of moving through stages of life still hits pretty hard sometimes. Perhaps one reason for our tendency to collect baggage is thinking that life is about accumulating status. We’ve probably all gone through a stage like that: looking at life as a series of accomplishments to build up wealth and experience. Sometimes we define ourselves through our histories. But then you can forget all of that and decide that it’s not where you’ve been that defines you, but where you’re going; who you’re becoming. And choose to start fresh with each new day.
Lach recently posted..How to Change Your World- Part 3- Going With the Flow
Good perspective, Lach. More and more I’m coming to think that what we build up on the outside is just a shell – it’s what we build on the inside that’s important.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Mike, I think you are spot on about reconnecting with past friends through social media. (There’s a reason why some of these folks are past friends.)
That said, a great quote by Jack Kornfield sheds more light: “The past is over: Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.”
And we all can refrain from tapping that “ACCEPT” icon for a reconnection with a past friend.
Susie recently posted..Claiming Your Calling
I don’t want to give up all hope of a better past! The past is fiction that we write for ourselves daily. By doing it consciously we can change, not the actual past events, but our relationship to them.
I understand what he’s saying, though. Forgiveness is about accepting what happened in the past and letting go of it, and I’m all for that.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..25 Ways Not to Change Your Life
Great article!
Yes we have a past, with some deal of pain in it…but why carry it in the present? Because is hard not to, is not a good enough reason.
Georgiana recently posted..Express Your Negative Emotions in a Creative Way
Well said. Applause!
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..How Not to Change Your Life- Think “All or Nothing”
Mike,
This was a very interesting post for me. I’m at the age where I probably have more past than future, but I don’t dwell on the past too much. There’s just too much to do:~)
On the other hand, I do review my old journals. They serve as a good reminder of the changes I’ve made and that what seemed like a disaster that I would never recover from…actually turned out to be a new door that opened and helped me move on from something was an anchor.
I think the past, present and future are kind of like climbing a mountain. The present is the time you stop and rest on a cliff; you look back and are amazed at how far you climbed and you can look up and see where you want to go. Each one — past, present and future — are part of journey….at least for me:~)
Sara recently posted..Story Photo- ABC Game
Reviewing old journals is always significant to me. It reminds me just how much I’ve changed and how far I’ve come. It’s exactly like your metaphor of resting partway up the mountain and looking back – thanks.
Mike Reeves-McMillan recently posted..How Not to Change Your Life- Think “All or Nothing”