Sitting in a dark room because the electricity had been cut off due to unpaid bills, Jeremy Renner gets a script to a film where he plays a bomb disposal expert in Afghanistan. He decides to go for it and it was a wise decision because it was one that earned him an Oscar nomination. But this is the part of the acting game that I admire the most. Acting isn’t just about getting the part, its about having the resilience to go through the mountain of rejections knowing there is a possibility the award winning role may never come.
If there is one thing an actor needs aside from talent, it’s resilience. However it is not just actors that can benefit from recognising this trait within them, we all can!. Resilience can be defined as your ability to handle stress and adversity that comes your way and continue to move on in life in spite of it.
Phrases like;
“No matter what life has thrown at him, he brushes it off and carries on”
“She’s been through so much and yet it always seems she comes back stronger”
demonstrate what resilience looks like when you see someone who faces an intense amount of adversity and yet they don’t back down. Sure they may have a moment of disappointment and frustration, but ultimately it doesn’t stop them.
However this thing called resilience isn’t lacking within you. It is part of all of us as a result of the evolution of mankind. Throughout the development of humans, we have experienced extreme adversity. Famine, weather, disease are just a few we have faced and not been wiped out. Yet modern day living doesn’t call for us to fight for our lives every day which ,whilst beneficial on a whole, has compromised our ability to be resilient.
This does not have to be an achilles heel for you and there are ways to become more resilient so external factors do not prevent you from achieving success or becoming one of life’s victims. The following 3 suggestions of how to build up your resilience will serve you well and ensure your ability to cope in the face of adversity skyrockets.
- Cold Showers- Yes I know. I hate cold showers more than the next person. Yet, emerging research is showing a strong correlation towards the introduction of temperature control houses and an increase in the stress hormone cortisol in the body. Back when radiators weren’t common place and outside toilets were the norm, the lack of comforts meant we had to ‘grin and bear it’ when it was cold. With cold showers you are placing your body in an uncomfortable situation without being overly dangerous. By doing this on a regular basis your body as well as your mind gets used to being in an adverse situation but not freak out.
- Mental Role Play – I love Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. A form of ground grappling, where the objective is to assert dominance on your opponent and then submit them. It is not long as a beginner before you realise that you can find yourself in some very uncomfortable positions where the worst thing you can do is to use all your strength and expend energy. It is about sensing a opening for you to make an advantageous move. This can only occur when you are relaxed. This can be trained via visualisation. Whatever you want to achieve in life, visualise the process of getting there but visualise how you would handle setbacks and adversity. Ask yourself ‘what challenges could I face when achieving this’? There is even research to suggest that those who visualise setback as well as success perform better than those who only visualise success.
- Feedback- You are more likely to persevere through adversity if you have a clear sense you have faced similar situations in the past. A self-confident individual is self-confident because they have an awareness of those times when they have had success or improved in life, no matter how small. It is the same with adversity. Military forces train constantly so that when it comes to the real thing, they don’t freeze because they have had enough feedback to know that they have handled similar situations in the past. In your life, be aware of when you have handled set back and what you did about it. As this mental catalogue of examples expand you will become more confident of your resilience in the face of adversity.
With that in mind, I would love to hear your examples in the comments box of how you have displayed resilience and what you learnt about yourself.
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Hi Aaron,
Very interesting post on resilience. I like your suggestions – although Im not entirely sold on the cold showers solution! I think physical endurance and emotional/psychological resilience are differentiated. But, I also know that there is a psychological/emotional component to being able to endure physical distress – so maybe I’ll experiment with the idea. Cold water exposure is a core component of Navy SEAL training in BUD/S, after all.
One suggestion I would add is learning to accept the reality of a situation for what it is, and look towards a future of what may be. If you are sitting in a dark apartment because you are unable to pay the electric bill is a tough situation that is made worse if you view the future with a sense of hopelessness, or if you are angry at the light company instead of accepting of your own responsibility for the situation (just or not). But if you think of the situation as temporary, and see a brighter future ahead, the situation becomes more bearable.
Anyway, off to take that cold shower…
Chris
Chris Akins recently posted..How to clarify your core values
yes definitely, delusional thinking can help in certain situations when working alongside a strong mindset (basically if you know that you can handle it if things go wrong) but accepting the reality of the situation is paramount to taking steps towards a better position. This is why extreme positive thinking is flawed. If you are in trouble, in dire straits accept reality and get moving.
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge.
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Hi Aaron! thanks for some new ways to think about growing our resiliency in ways I never thought about before. Cold showers–who knew? I do think that it benefits us all to be able to take risks in the areas that we are passionate about and stick with it in spite of the odds…in fact, I wrote a blog post about it myself for anyone who is interested in more ideas at: http://smartliving365.com/resilience—do-you-break-bruise-or-bounce-when-stuff-happens/ thanks for the great blog post and ideas about how we can all change for the better!
kathy @ SMART Living 365 recently posted..Celebrating Valentine’s Day or Just Another Consumer Holiday?
Hi Kathy,
In what we are passionate about and in every area of our living. Resilience is a basic human condition that was a requirement back when we were hunter gatherers. When it wasn’t feast it was very much famine and only the most resilient survived. It is rare to have famine these days in western society but it has been replaced by other types of struggle, albeit sometimes perceived, but ultimately the impact can be similar.
Thanks
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge.
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Cold Showers – I love it – really innovative idea. Takes a lot of discipline to get under that shower!
Concerning the feedback loop, just one thing to add. Something I find so useful for this is keeping a diary of all my past successes. Note them down daily or at the end of each week. Sometimes there will be no ‘success’ for a particular day and you may even go a week without anything but when you do start charting them down and when you do this over an extended period of time, it builds a real fortress of self belief.
And include any success in any area. It might be a social success such as getting a date or a work related success such as getting a new client or a fitness success such as losing 30 lbs. Note them all down and give yourself time and you’ll find that you’ve got a whole library of success to boost you when you’re going through those tough times.
ScrewtheSystem Joe recently posted..Are you ‘Selling Sugar Water’ or Changing the World?
Yes feedback is vitally important. And it is important to remember feedback from other people is a bonus not a entitlement.
Something that might be useful is a technique used by Jerry Seinfeld. He calls it the ‘chain game’ where he has a calendar on his wall and strives to write everyday. Each day when he writes he puts a cross on that day. As the days progress he produces a chain. If you see a chain of 15 crosses it creates 2 functions:
- Makes you less likely to not write on the 16th day because it would break the chain.
- Poses as a reminder of the accomplishment you have made by writing consistently.
You can do the same thing for any task you choose.
Thanks
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Hey Aaron, what would you recommend for being resilient to rejection? My personal method would be voluntary discomfort through actively seeking rejection. Once you become familiar with rejection then you can become almost immune to it. After all, most people’s greatest fear is rejection and it destroys them most often.
Just curious to see if you have any ways you build up resilience for this crippling fear.
Vincent Nguyen recently posted..Why Change Helps You Grow
Hi Vincent,
Rejection is an interesting one because it is something that is both feared but also a necessary factor in any endeavour you seek out. For a lot of people who are successful they won’t see rejection as rejection.
So if you take the common situation when looking at rejection and that is with the opposite sex, someone who is really good in having encounters with the opposite sex will have made a story in their mind before the full feeling of rejection can take hold. On the face of it, it was rejection but to them it was something completely different. This is, of course, partly reframing but also how you perceive the world already.
The other factor would be as you have pointed out turning it into a game but actively hunting out rejection. So you can play the ‘no’ game where each week you have to get 10 ‘no’, you lose points if you get a ‘yes’.
I once heard a story where Jennifer Anniston talked about if she ever experienced deep disappointment she would allow herself 24hrs of indulgent self-pity and then when that 24 hours was over, she would wouldn’t visit that disappointmet again. i think that is a healthy way of looking at it as well.
Thanks
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for posting. Im glad you have found sections within the article that resonate with you and it is great that you have appeared to developed the ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ mentality to facing your fears.
You are correct in saying you will never eradicate all fears from your life and that is a good thing. And it is important to know when you are through a fear and can safely keep it far behind in order to maintain a clearer future.
Take care
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Rachael, your story is fascinating. You have exactly the right mindset when it comes to fear.
“I let my fear drive me to positive action.”
“I am setting myself up for addressing my biggest fears with action instead of hesitation.”
There is so much power in those two quotes of yours. THIS is how we need to handle adversity. THIS is the attitude that creates meaningful change.
And it’s the mindset more of us need to adopt. Thank you for sharing your struggles Rachael. I hope people are listening.
Cheers!
Absolutely!
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge
Resilience is indeed a virtue that can be trained. I’m not sure that cold showers are the best method to building something as enduring as resilience (but maybe that’s just because you won’t catch me taking any in the middle of winter here in cold Vermont).
But we *can* become more resilient with effort and choice. It’s about changing our mindset — understanding that adversity, unpleasant as it may be, actually makes us stronger. Without it, we would never grow.
Because it IS adversity that builds resilience. Nothing else can.
Cheers!
Trevor recently posted..Quit Cowering! Live Your Damn Life!
Cold showers is one example of where you can *create* adversity but still within a boundary of your control.
As I described in the article I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. A beginner when they first experience sparring will find themselves in positions they have never been before and attempt to use all their strength in order to get out. Inevitably this fails and as they strength begins to dissipate they get tapped out. As you become more experienced you realise that you can be in a really uncomfortable position (sometimes you even purposely put yourself in a bad position) and still be ok and in control of your breathing, so keeping any anxiety low. When it comes to the time it really matters in competition you are much better equipped to deal with adversity because you have trained it in situations where you have a bearing of control.
Aaron
The Confidence Lounge
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Good stuff Aaron. I occasionally take cold showers once I notice I am becoming too comfortable in my life. The cold of the shower snaps me out of my comfort zone while at the same time waking me up.
Take Care.
Justin recently posted..Pralaya – A Period of Transition Part1 – by Elizabeth Ayres Escher
Thanks Justin, the cold shower is a good one but done so grudgingly as a nice warm one is a tempting alternative!
Aaron
The confidence Lounge
Aaron Morton recently posted..Do you have to believe in yourself to succeed
Suffering from PTSD, I harbor many fears in my life. Actually, I spend a ridiculous amount of time embracing those fears and letting them control my life. But I’m tired of being afraid all the time, tired of all the excuses to stay small. I know I can’t face ALL of my fears, but I have to start somewhere. So I look for ways to get out of my comfort zone and try something new. Here are a few examples of how I do this:
I’m afraid of falling, which means I hate roller coasters and long flights of steep stairs. so, whenever we visit a theme park, I force myself to stand in line with my husband and friends. The first time I faced the roller coaster, I was shaking and crying in public. It was horrifying. After a few minutes of rest and recomposure, I was back in line at another roller coaster. And another and another. Finally, 5 years later, I am more confident, less afraid and I ACTUALLY have ENJOYED several roller coasters! I went on them for fun! That’s like an arachnophobic person buying a pet tarantula.
I’m afraid of being alone, afraid I’ll never have any close friends. But everyone where I go, you wouldn’t see it in my behavior. When I go places, I make a point to be warm and inviting. I let my fear drive me to positive action, instead of doing nothing and letting it eat me from the inside out.
Of course, some fears are there to protect us, but those fears don’t linger long after the threat is over. Fears that we obsess about are the ones we need to face head on. I’ve learned by practice that the only way OUT of fear is THROUGH it. I especially love what you said in this article about acknowledging times we’ve succeeded. By facing smaller fears daily and medium sized fears throughout the year, I am setting myself up for addressing my biggest fears with action instead of hesitation.
I still waste far too much of my life being afraid of things, but inside me is a growing knowledge that those fears are nothing, that I am stronger than anything life wants to throw at me. Each year, I grow more confident and achieve greater feats than the last!
I know I’ve written a lot so far, but the last thing I wanted to say about building resilience against trials is to keep things in perspective. Even if I don’t believe it, I put on a devil-may-care attitude to encourage myself not to give in to fear. For example, if we are running low on food and money and diapers (the 3 necessities in life as a parent) and some unexpected expense shows up, like a flat tire, a big bill coming due or a hospital emergency- I turn to my husband and say happily, “No big deal. We’ll just sell the floor and ceiling to pay this off, we can do without those for a while right?”
Obviously, no one would ever do that to pay a bill. Talking this way helps us to joke about our biggest worries, keep them from overwhelming us and in this way, maintain a positive attitude. We may not have the solution right at that moment, but freaking out about it won’t help one bit! Eventually, we always always always find a good solution, everything ends up just as it should be. So find a way to keep your fears small and your joy high. You can’t change the world, but you were never meant to. Just focus on changing yourself and being the best you can be. Everything else will follow suit, in time.