Line BreakAuthor: Steven Aitchison (433 Articles)
I am the owner of this blog and write about personal development with my passions being belief formation, thoughts, perceptions and emotions. You can get my FREE video course to help Change Your Life at www.AlterYourJacket.com
The Night I Gave Up
I don’t quite know why I am sharing this extremely personal story with you now, except that there is a little voice pushing me to let it out, and I am acting on that.
This story might be upsetting for some and it might make others feel angry and for that I apologise.
I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life.
It was back in 1990, my life looked as if it was going well, I had a lot of friends, I had a decent job, I had travelled a bit, I had good looks, I had money in my pocket, the works. The thing is I wasn’t all that happy and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was unhappy inside. I used to fantasize about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort to know that I had the choice of living or dying.
I used to plan how I was going to end my life so as it would look like an accident to lessen the pain on my family, my favourite fantasy was jumping off a tall building.
One night, I was working in a bar and I was walking the 2 mile walk home late at about 1am. The rain could be heard thundering down onto the pavements. I was walking slowly in the rain as I liked the feel of rain against my skin. I noticed in the distance a dog, and it was limping quite heavily. When the dog got closer, I noticed the dog had only 3 legs as it ran past me. For no reason, I started crying uncontrollably as I felt so sorry for this dog. I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind the next day, and wondered why I was so upset by it. I realised I felt like the dog: alone, soaked, not fully functional and nowhere to go.
A few nights later I decided that the jacket of life no longer fitted me and I was taking the jacket off for good. I said goodnight to my mum and dad, I called my sisters earlier on to tell them I loved them. I took 26 strong sleeping tablets up to my bedroom after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning for work as I had a days holiday. I sat in bed with the tablets, a glass of milk and cried as I took each tablet. I cried for my mum, and at how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad as I had only told him I loved him once in my life. I cried for my sisters as I would miss them terribly and knew they would miss me. I took all 26 tablets and put my head on my pillow to die. I am crying as I write this just now.
I can’t quite remember when I woke up, I was in hospital and two of my friends were there with my mum and dad and sisters. I had been unconscious, I honestly don’t know how long as I have never spoken of this to my family since. The morning after I had taken the tablets my dad was up for work as normal. He didn’t wake me up as I had told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up at around 5am. Apparently I had fallen out of bed. That fall , and my dad hearing it, saved my life, I believe.
When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explaining. The hospital psychiatrist came round and asked if I needed help. I told her I knew why I had done it and I was going to rectify the issues in my life. I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having to put my family through something as awful as this just because I didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.
I didn’t feel I fitted into life, with the friends I had, the job, just everything. What did I do? I started over. I dropped my friends as I realised they were drinking buddies and not friends, I changed my job, I upgraded my skills, I got my finances sorted out and moved to another city. I have never looked back since and I have been on a quest ever since to find myself and share the knowledge I have with others.
Lessons From That Night
Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life. There are always options and if the worst comes to the worst, drop everything and start again. If you are in this situation just now, please believe me when I say it will get better and there are people who can help.
I’ve learned to tell others how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.
I’ve learned to look for the signs that others might need help.
I mentioned earlier the jacket did not fit, what I realised when I awoke in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.
I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long standing depression was lifted in one decision – I will change my life to suit me.
Tess The Bold Life (25)
Christopher Foster (22)
Axel G (19)
parker lee | howt... (18)
Farouk (16)
Colleen (13)
Chris Akins (12)
rob white (12)
Roman Soluk (11)
Valentine Belonwu (11)
{ 184 comments… read them below or add one }
Steven, wow, this a powerful post. I imagine it must have taken a LOT of courage to share this, but I’m so glad you did. It’s incredibly personal stories like this one that reach out touch people and really change lives. Thank you for sharing this.
Positively Present´s last blog ..how to stay positive in the face of rejection
Hi Dani, Thanks for that. I honestly am still trying to figure out why I wrote this and posted it, I am trusting that gut instinct.
I know why.
Gail from GrowMap´s last blog ..Who Can You Benefit by Sharing GrowMap?
Hi Steven,
Thank you so much for your amazing openness about what happened to you. You have taken such a challenging situation, and by some stroke of grace, you were able to turn it around to not only heal your own life, but help others as well.
Stories like this bring people together. We resonate, we meet in the similarities, we reach out to support each other, we learn from one another. Social networking doesn’t even begin to capture it. This is true, heartfelt connection, where we meet in love.
I so appreciate you, your courage and bravery. It’s inspiring to all of us.
Much love to you,
Gail
Thank you Gail. You’re right about social networking not even coming close to capture this and meeting everyone on a different level. Thank you for your support, I always appreciate it.
Wow Steven, I’m so glad you’re still here. And how lucky we are that you changed your life or I wouldn’t be commenting here today.
I’m sure you’ll touch everyone who reads this in one way or another.
I was 17 and pregnant when I married and by the time I was 22 I was mom to 4 girls. I thought of ending it when the twins turned one. I was so exhausted I lost weight and had dark circles under my eyes. I would cry myself to sleep at night. My husband couldn’t help me because he had 2 jobs.
I had a plan but never followed through with it.
Like you I changed every area of my life and my husband joined me in the process. Today the girls are all in their 30’s and we’ve been married 38 years.
I’m glad I’m here too!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Bold Solutions For A New World
Tess, thank you so much for your kind words.
You also have been an inspiration and managed to turn it around and I am so glad you didn’t follow through either, or this conversation would not be happening. Thank you for sharing that.
Isn’t it amazing the stories that come out!
Steven, Thank you for sharing your story. It is truely incredible that you eventually realised what your issues were.
I too, went through something similar. I was not happy with life or the life that I had although I had everything too.
What was getting me down was that I was in a relationship I was not happy in, plus I had found out I was pregnant. I was unhappy because I had no close friends (Due to my relationship) and was increasingly sad. I took pills, but not enough to do me or my baby damage. It was more a cry for help.
After that, I realised I needed to change my life. After my son was born, I ended my relationship with his dad and started going to church. This was exactly what I needed at that time and it has changed me forever. I made the right friends and had a hectic social life which I loved. It also helped me to find me. What I liked and disliked, how I wanted my life to be, not what everyone else wanted my life to be. I had the time to do a lot of soul searching.
Everyone is now amazed at my strength and courage now , but I guess in life, we have to go through these rough times to get the strengh to overcome them.
Thank you again for sharing. I hope it helps many people out there who are going through trials and need a wake-up call. Ending your life is never the best way.
Hi Shaznaym, thank you so much for sharing your own story and I am sure it will help others in a similar situation. A lot of people find church a comfort in times like this and I am glad you found something.
I think the rough times make us stronger, although we may not see that at the time.
Steven,
Thats an intensely personal story and it can’t have been easy for you to share it. I am obviously glad that you survived the experience and that you have turned your life around so profoundly since then.
I was gratified that you had the strength and self-awareness to write this line:
“I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having to put my family through something as awful as this just because I didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.”
This struck a chord with me as a friend of mine took his own life about ten years ago and the effect it had on his family and friends was absolutely devastating. It really is harder on those left behind. I remember someone telling me about how sad and angry he felt about how he had missed out on everything that had happened since the suicide. All the births, marriages, good times etc that he could have been a part of…
You are right that there is help available and that that your circumstances, no matter how grim they appear right now, will change. No-one should be choosing this way out – no matter how bad it seems, we don’t want to lose you.
Thank you for writing this article and sharing your story of how there is always a way back – even from a situation as dark as the one you were in.
Gareth
HI Gareth. I will always regret doing what I did because of the pain it caused to my family so I know where you’re coming from with regards to your friend.
Thanks for commenting Gareth and sharing a part of your own story.
Dear Steve, you are a delight and I am so glad you are here. Your writing on your blog- and now you- are important to me (way down in Australia) . Thanks heaps for sticking around and for your bravery in posting this!
Hi Jink, thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them.
Hi Steven.
You are real strong now. Who would point out something like this? Very few people would even think to. It’s easy to look at it from our view as a potent article, but it is completely different to choose to write it and then write it. It makes us stronger just to read it.
One aspect we see is CYT, and CYT would not be here without one individual. We see CYT as a strong presence, and have to remember the strong individual behind it.
I have told folks “Steven Aitchison from Change Your Thoughts said [X] and [Y]” sometimes. I say it in a way that leads folks to assume that I see you as a powerhouse.
Many people have thoughts similar to the ones you had, and some acted as you had, but so few will mention it at a later time.
“the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket”
You lose nothing when you mention something important like this, but some of us will see this and then still keep our important things hidden. Maybe it is needed that we get that feeling that we can’t help but point them out.
Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Team Up With A Partner To Make Progress
Armen, I can’t begin to tell you how much I have appreciated your support and writing over the last few months. I really appreciate your kind words. You are right in that I am strong, always have been, I just didn’t realise it at times, just like so many others as well.
Thanks to your dad for hearing the bang on the floor because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to share yourself and your story to help others. We are all grateful.
Hi Mary, The good thing that has came out of this is that I tell me family every time I speak to them that I love them, more so my mum and two sisters but I have told my dad on many occasions as well
Takes alot of courage to share that with everyone…
Thank you for sharing your lessons.
-Rishi
Hi Rishi, thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them.
Steven,
I am so glad I came upon your story. I honor your courage to share it. I really feel it is through sharing who we really are – which includes our most vulnerable moments – that we can benefit one another.
It is easy to share the joys and what looks “pretty”. It takes courage to share our darkest moments. And yet isn’t that where our strengths often emerge from? Clearly, you decided to make it a defining moment and made life changes.
We do make the DECISION to live. Sometimes when I work with people who are severely depressed I remind them that depression is like a dark hole that you never feel you will emerge from, but you can – and do!
Did you by any chance read Beautiful Boy (the father of a meth addict). The author was afraid to publicly own what was happening in his own family. He finally wrote an article for the prominent paper he worked for. The outpouring – and appreciation that he would address what so many people were suffering through silently – was like an avalanche. He then had the courage to write the book.
Eckhart Tolle also talks about his being on the edge of suicide when he had an awakening.
Your story gives me the courage and inspiration to be more real in sharing my own life experiences. They have helped evolve the totality of who I am today!
Thank you so much,
Lauren
Hi Lauren. Thank you for your words.
I haven’t come across ‘Beautiful Boy.’ I have read that Eckhart Tolle was on the verge of suicide and that he came through it with an epiphany like experience.
I haven’t read your blog before but have bookmarked it for future reading.
very inspiring keep up your good work
Thanks Desmond, appreciate your encouragement.
This was an incredibly moving post. I don’t ever comment on blogs, but when I do it means something to me. Keep making life work to your standards!
Hi Matt, thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, I really appreciate it, even more so as you don’t leave comments that often. Thanks for the encouragement.
Wow. It’s my first time here and you definitely left me shocked :O!
I like what you say about dropping everything and starting again. I’m very happy with my life but I always take big risks. Best case: I’m the king of the world. Worst case: damned, but can start again. Knowing that, and knowing we have the means to stand up and get back in track is the most powerful thing there is
!
Thanks for the inspiration!
Hi Mario, welcome to CYT
It might sound a little simplistic ‘just start over’ but it is, like you said, powerful to know we have the choice to start over.
Thanks for dropping in Mario
I don’t know you, besides what your name is (I’m a rather new reader), but I just want to say that I admire your courage to share a story like this with the world – and despite not knowing you, I’m really glad that you’re still around.
Klaus @ TechPatio´s last blog ..Google Street View – More Funny Pictures
Hi Klaus, thanks for that, I really appreciate it.
What a heavy story Steve, I could feel your despair. I commend you for the courage it took to write this. I know that thinking about it probably touched a lot of painful anchors, that’s not easy to do.
Where you’ve come since then Steve, the life you live, the message of personal growth and hope you share – all these speak volumes to anyone feeling like life isn’t worth living. I am certain that sharing this story has provided someone with exactly the help they need.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Fear Lessons from a Bear, Rattlesnake, & New Yorker
Hi Jonathan. It’s people like yourself that have made the world a better place to live and a joy to be alive. I still don’t know why I wrote it, but maybe you’re right, someone somewhere will read this and it will help them.
Thanks for your support, encouragement and friendship.
All I can say is WOW! This was a very powerful post. I’m so glad that you are still with us and sharing all of your valuable content with the world.
Steve |MyWifeQuitHerJob´s last blog ..Are Coupon Code Searches Costing Our Online Store Money?
Hi Steve, Thanks for your comments I really appreciate them. Again, Like Jonathan above, you have lit up my browser with your posts and have taught me a lot over the last year or so, so thank you Steve.
First of all, thank you for sharing that. I recently got really shot down for telling a true story about my love life, I even wrote a book about it and for some reason the love of my life has made me feel so worthless, I can honestly admit that at times I have had those feelings of wanting to end my life. But then I thought, He is just one person, although I still suffer very much with my hurt, I am still going to move on and continue my online relationships. My writing has brought me here and I will not let my readers down. You are a very brave man and even though we don’t know each other, I send you a hug.
Hi Butterfly, thank you for visiting and leaving a comment I really appreciate it.
It can be hard opening up and hopefully when we do it, it is met with the spirit with which it was intended. I hope your healing is swift.
What a gutsy, beautiful, empowering story. And what an inspiration.
There are many people who reach that dark night. I know I did once. I went so far as to work out a plan but didn’t follow through. I was helped in that regard by a phone call from a friend who intuitively knew I was in a dark place.
The following morning I realised that in what some would consider the weakest moment of my life I found deep down inside of me a strong core and at the rock bottom place I also found an unexpected gift – an incredible sense of humility.
I would not wish such a night on anyone but as you discovered Steve there is such richness to be gained by coming through and out the other side.
Thank you Steve
Go Safely
Hi Leonie. Thank you for sharing part of your story. Isn’t it wonderful the stories we hear of serendipity and how a phone call can save us, as it did you. I am glad you came out the other end, I get the feeling your life has changed because of your dark place?
This is powerful, motivational and inspiring. This is my definition of perfect motivation. I love when i come across stories like this, when someone can stop, look back and write from the heart, something truly valuable. Thank you Steven.
Josiah Staggs´s last blog ..“The state of the internet” does seem uncertain. The…
Thanks Josiah I really appreciate you visiting and leaving a comment.
None of us can know the up with out the down, the light without the darkness our response to these situations makes us who we are. It makes all of us stronger when one of us gathers the strength and courage to overcome these situations and realize that in the next moment our lives can change for the better. Thank You.
Thank you Andy. You’re absolutely right, the dichotomy of life means we are constantly learning, it’s when we stay at one end of the spectrum too long that things start to go wrong.
Do you think it was an accident that you fell out of bed and your father heard you?
Definitely no accident Andy
Hello Steven,
Wow ! Your story touched me deeply and my tears were hanging in my eyes by reading this. Just as you, my son did the same thing and wanted to quit living. Your story is very familiar to me; totally understand where you are coming from. You have come a long way from that time. I can only applaud you for your achievements. You have a lot to offer to the World. Glad you became a strong man that can tell the World now, hey, life is beautiful and worth the effort to better yourself. Live in happiness for our families, surroundings and more. Thank you for sharing a good portion of your heart, I am sure it was not easy to write this, but you done it!
ZuzannaM´s last blog ..TALL MOUNTAIN
Hi Zuzanna. Thank you for sharing a part of your story. I can’t imagine how a mother would feel when her son does something like this. My mum now knows how happy I am in life and that period of life is over and she also knows I regret putting her through that, but I guess there will always be a part of her that asks ‘why?’
Thank you for your support and encouragement over the last few months.
that’s kind of you to post such a beautiful story. Despite the fact , you had a better life, you want to die . I don’t know , why same feeling surronds me but I feel my life as a waste. I am born to do something special, something meaningful and at present, my direction is not fixed. I am a student right now, and learning is one of the most passionating(interesting) things for me , but still , I figure out that there’s something lacking in my life. Success, Motivation, Desires, don’t know what
Hi Ashish. Thank you for sharing, I am glad you left a comment.
I would urge you to try and look at the larger part of the picture just now, and I mean literally. Imagine your life and you shoot up into the sky and can see your life from a birds eye perspective. Look at the parts of your life you are unhappy with, now look at the direction you are going in and where it is headed – where do you see yourself? do you like it?
Ashish, there’s always a choice and if you don’t like something in your life drop it from your life.
You will eventually figure it out. Take care.
Steven, this is such a powerful post. The part where you said that your dad saved you was the part that I found was unbelievable. I see this as a calling and maybe waking up in the hospital the next day, something was telling you that you needed to live and that you needed to be here. There’s a reason for your existence and I think most, if not all, of us go through life asking why we exist. And although we might not find an answer now, we might find it later. I think just the reasing for finding that answer is willing to live for. Thanks for sharing such a personal story of yours with all of us here.
Hulbert´s last blog ..Tony Robbins and Why
Hi Hulbert. It was amazing that my dad found me. It would have been hellish for him to see his son like this and I hope I never have to go through that in my life, but he did save me. It’s cheesy but I have been given a second chance and I haven’t wasted it.
I think we all ask why we exist and, as you said, there is always a reason. Thanks for your kind words Hulbert, I appreciate them.
Steven,
Thank you for the courage you shown to write this post. Although you said you didn’t know what made you write this, I believe God wanted you to share your story because maybe at that moment when you wrote your story, someone read it and it made a difference in their life. I have come close many times of wanting to end my life as I struggle daily with Bi-polar depression. My grasp on reality is rooted in knowing that the Lord loves me. I know he loves you too as he has compelled you to share your story.
Blessings always,
Chris Stonecipher
Chris Stonecipher and Friends´s last blog ..Special Olympic Athlete Accepts Award
Hi Chris, thanks for your comments. Maybe you are right and I hope that it has helped someone. Thank you for sharing part of your story.
Steven,
I think it was very brave of you to share such a personal story with all of us. Sometimes we have to reach the bottom before we can start to dig our way out of our situations. I’m glad that your father woke up when he did and was able to save you. And, I’m really glad that the attempt wasn’t successful so that you are able to share your experiences and insights with all of us.
Karen
Karen´s last blog ..One Sure-Fire Way You Can Start Your Emergency Fund Today
Hi Karen. I think you are right, it does take us to reach rock bottom before we can dig through life again with eyes anew. Thank you for your words, I appreciate them.
Hi Steven, I can hardly see to type this because I’m crying now. This is such a powerful story, and you are so brave to share it, and I’m so thankful that you listened to your gut instinct to do so. Situations like yours have a profound impact on all involved, and I think we need to talk about them (when we are ready to do so). Early on in our marriage my husband and I had a housemate who tried to end their life. My husband took our housemate to hospital and thankfully they survived. Once we were all past the immediate situation, it was extremely hard for my husband and I to talk about what had happened, but it was important for us to do so. One of the things to come out of that was that we never let a day go past without us saying that we love each other, because we have such a strong appreciation of life. But now I wonder if you are ready to talk to your family about this? In the meantime, thanks again for sharing your powerful story, I admire your courage.
Topi´s last blog ..Believing is seeing
Hi Topi. I think we, as a family, family did speak about this in time and in our own way. The one thing they were surprised at was how I had totally changed almost the next day. I was so sure of what I had to do in life and how to change it that they supported me.
It must have been hell for your husband going through that. Thank you for your words Topi, I really appreciate them.
Steven: Thank you so much for sharing this post. It really drove home the point for me that anyone can choose to change their perspectives and literally change the way they experience life. I think it is a reality that everyone goes through challenging times and these times all happen for a reason. The question always becomes how do we manage through these times and what are the lessons that we takeaway that allow us to move forward. You are such an amazing and inspiring example of how you really can (as you say) change your thoughts and change your life. It is so much easier said than done and it is so important to see other people successfully doing this. Thanks again for this post.
alternaview – Sibyl´s last blog ..One Little Secret We Should Know if We Really Want to Do Something Well
Hi Sibyl. These tough times do happen for a reason and I am so glad I am here to share it and I am happy to have met people like yourself who are walking the same path and helping others in life.
Steven,
Your story resonates with me for reasons I won’t go into extreme detail about. Suffice it to say that my life took a detour 21 years ago, and the breakthrough/comeback I’ve hoped and worked for since then still hasn’t manifested. There have been times I’ve entertained the idea of the sleeping pill exit strategy, but I still believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that good things will happen again, even if for only a few years instead of decades in my life. Though I will get up tomorrow and go to the same entry-level job I had to take 21 years ago after my dream job was gone, I will still look for a better situation and believe that that phone call will come or that person I need will show up. No matter what, I won’t short-change myself out of my tomorrows.
Clint Thomas´s last blog ..
Hi Clint, thanks for sharing part of your story. Whilst I don’t know what your situation is I would advise instead of waiting for the call to come – make the calls to the people you need to, don’t wait on them ringing, don’t wait on the right person coming along, go and look for them yourself.
I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for Clint.
Steven, I think you gave hope to a lot of people out there who go through difficulties. Thank you for this!
Lana – {Daring Clarity}´s last blog ..How I Got to The Core, Got Scared… and Survived.
Hi Lana, thank you for all your support and encouragement.
Hi Steven,
I would like to thank you for your openess and the guts it must have taken to commit your thoughts to this site. I have tears in my eyes right now because I can identify with almost everything you have thought. I would not go the extra step because I am torn by love for my innocent and wonderful girls, but do not feel the same for myself, so the pressure gets intolerable only less so lately, y’know? EVERYTHING, almost everyone I have associated with since childhood are not the people I thought they were. It was bad enough to be depressed, but recovering now as I am, goodness me I can understand why I was so miserable! Then sprinkle on some conformity to marriage, work, trends, and without even realising it, all the conditions are there for much unhappiness and for some of us who already had poor socialisation and social skills, it does beg the question on the rare occasion, whats the point? One thing I have never had but am daring to trust in now however, is faith. Not God as such, but that that the universe knows better, that we are all here for a reason and as I can relate to that, I hang on – just about. Not matter how many times I turn to it, vodka never does annihilate the void BUT a tiny spot of faith is starting to kick in and PEOPLE like you, undiscovered people who have been there, done that, struggled beyond belief, MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
And there are those who just radiate positivity naturally, they are important too. So what is the point of my comment? I think to say it was a powerful moment, reading your words, and knowing that all the change thats going on in my life, however painfully and labouriously slow, is happening for a damn good reason. And the reason? To live, love and succeed, of course.
Thanks for a big shove in the believing department.
Annette.
Hi Annette, you are a brave woman sharing your story with us as well. I think it’s fair to say that is hard even admitting to something like this.
One thing I have found useful over the years in dealing with emotions is distancing myself from them. Whenever I feel angry, sad, upset about something and I don’t want to own the emotion, I picture myself stepping out of the emotion and looking at it from a distance. I don’t know if that will help you in your situation.
Short comment: Thank you
Long comment: I had those thoughts too but never been that close to actually do it, like you were. Sometimes I think it’s an act of cowardice not to “pull the trigger” like you did. I don’t really know if there are only parts of us that needs that “killing” in order for something better to grow, but I’m glad you took this out in the light. Because it’s in our lives more often than we want to accept. We all have this kind of thoughts, but very few have the guts to admit it. Suicide, by its perceived emptiness and lack of consciousness, may look like a viable solution for many of us. We don’t have problems anymore, we don’t have consciousness, we’re nothing. Black out. But, despite its apparent comfort as an ultimate solution for all our problems, I always suspected this isn’t exactly like this. And you confirmed it to me, in a way you’ll never know
So, thank you |:-)
Dragos Roua´s last blog ..The 6 Stages Of A Failure
Hi Dragos. I think you are absolutely right: Some people need to be near the moment of taking their life to realise it’s not that bad and others have to survive it to realise it’s not the answer, however it’s the one’s who do succeed that can never get back what we have learned.
I think the most comforting thing about the thoughts is that all my problems would disappear without any intervention from me. Now, I realise that my problems are MY problems and I have control over them to a large degree.
I am glad this helped in some way Dragos.
WOW! its a wonderful story and i am very much inspired with your post. And i am impressed with the word “drop everything and start again”, which is a good moral in any ones life. I was also impressed comparing life with the jacket. And i appreciate for your courage and a right decision taken in life.
Daniel, thank you for your words, i appreciate them.
What courage it takes to tell your personal story…and what an inspiration you are to others! So glad you found your way and that you Changed Your Thoughts and changed your life!!! Best to ya!
Thanks Trudie, I appreciate your thoughts.
Hi Steven,
It’s a complicated story, but my best friend killed herself and her daughter.
I was the last person she spoke to.
10 years later, I can rationalize the reasons and understand her motivation but I will always feel the hole in my heart and wonder if I could have been more loving and helpful.
One sentence which has stuck with me is: “Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.”
As her friends (the survivors) still try and cope, we have made changes in our lives. Some have positively impacted many other families of children with severe disabilities. We feel good about that–that is the legacy of her sacrifice, the blessing of her story.
Your story is also a blessing which will impact others. Nothing builds trust more than sharing your vulnerabilities. God Bless.
Hi Mary. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through, especially as it was a mother and a daughter.
That really sums up what suicide really is to other people and I think it is a true statement.
I am really touched with all the personal stories and also the support, I was expecting a lot of people to really condemn this.
Thanks you for your comment Mary.
Like Matt, I never usually comment on blogs, but if I do it is because it has been powerful and had moved me in some way. You show that there truly can be a light at the end of the tunnel – and it isn’t a train! An inspiring blogg as always, and really appreciated. Thank you Steven
Geraldine, thank you for leaving a comment, I really do appreciate it and thank you for your kind words.
Really profound steven, I love what you said about altering the jacket to suit you.
Thank you Feyi, I appreciate your comments.
Steve
Your comment that you would always regret what you did is one that I question.
That you feel bad that you caused pain to your loved ones.
Perhaps you could accept that this whole incident was part of a greater plan.
That feeling bad and always having regret is something to give yourself
permission to let go of.
If one falls and scrapes their knee to bleed, the body heals to a scab. The scab falls off and the knee is healed.
You have been emotionally healed because you are alive. Your aliveness
shares and helps the rest of us.
Bravo
Hi Kazine, what a great thing to say and a great way to look at life.
I don’t regret doing it for myself, as I have grown beyond belief because of it, I regret having to put my family through this in order for me to grow.
Thank you for a great comment.
Steven – thank you sincerely for sharing your story. It is life affirming and powerful.
Phil
Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last blog ..Discover 5 ways to have an amazing day
Hi Phil, thanks mate I appreciate your words.
Extremely powerful and courageous act of you to share your story. There are, I imagine, thousands upon thousands that you will be helping, both now and in the future, through sharing this information. Thank you, Steve, for sharing your journey and helping so many people.
Hi Steve, I hope this does help someone. Thanks for your kind words.
Thanks for sharing this. I have thought about taking my own life and I too realise that that is not the solution. I am doing this exact thing now, which is starting over. I really hurt my fiance and now I realise my attitude was making us both unhappy. There is too much good in life despite the negatives to give up. Thanks again for your articles.
Hi Tyler, I am glad, even though I don’t know you, that you decided to start over instead of going the other way. Thanks for your words.
Thanks for sharing those personal moment.
And I completely agree with part of if everything goes wrong, you can just start over. It is never easy, but when you are alive, there’s still hope.
Will continue to follow this blog for more great post!
Hi Rusa, thank you so much for your kind words, i appreciate them.
This is such a powerful and uplifting story Steven. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Two things impress me so much.
1. In that extremity you so graphically describe, you had the courage to listen to your inner voice. In our busy culture that internal wisdom has a hard time getting through to us — but I believe it is always there for us if we will be still enough to listen.
2. You had the steadfastness and determination to not only set your sights higher but follow through on a new vision, a new sense of possibility without ever looking back. Just loved the story. Incidentally I had a similar experience of a Dark Night when at age 63 a spiritual community to which I had belonged for 35 years suddenly dissolved following death of the leader – I had to come back into the world alone and with virtually no material resources to help.
Every good wish in your ongoing endeavor to be of true service in this world.
christopher foster´s last blog ..Healing into wholeness, grace — and new friendships
Hi Christopher, I am glad you found your way in the world and hopefully you are coping better now?
Thank you for sharing your story with the CYT readers and I think a lot of people would love to read your blog.
Thank you for connecting again Christopher.
Steve my respect for you has just increased. I remember having sometimes that I felt a bit like that though I never went as far as you did. The deeper the dirt we dig out of the stronger our roots are. Because you went through that you can now help others. Surviving forced you to become strong. Thank you for sharing that.
Justin Dixon´s last blog ..A Full Body Workout in 15 Minutes a Day
Hi Justin. Thanks for that, your words mean a lot to me. Thanks for reading and commenting Justin, I appreciate it.
Life is mysterious isn’t it? All the raw materials for whatever we want to experience are always there for us, but our perception becomes narrowed. What might begin as a grove we move in can quickly become a rut so deep that we can’t see over the sides of it. And all that raw material that we could use to manufacture the life we think we’re missing–goes unseen.
Sometime we need to stop walking in our habitual grove and climb up a bit to peek over the walls we’ve built. The view is gorgeous. We might even be tempted to climb clean out
.
A brave article to write Steven,
John
John Rocheleau – Zen-Moments´s last blog ..Satisfaction For Sale
John I couldn’t have put it better myself “……become a rut so deep that we can’t see over the sides of it…”
There’s two very important points in your comment and that is
1. Knowing that there are materials to help us
2. Knowing how to use them
As soon as we realise that we have to have faith to know that the materials are there then we will also develop faith to know that we will be taught when the time is right. I wasn’t patient enough and that’s something I recognise now.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I have read a lot of your comments on others blogs and always respected you as a wise person.
Just wanted to say a big thanks Steven for this moving post. It was especially poignant in a week in which I heard an old friend had taken his own life. He was only in his forties, separated with two kids and none of us can really believe it. He was bright, warm and passionate, full of life. A lovely guy. I think he got caught in that downward vortex that some are unable to escape. He will be much missed and warmly remembered.
The news has in some ways helped give me find a new perspective on my own troubles after a year of real struggle and a new determination to find greater happiness and success but without creating impossible expectations or succumbing to destructive self-criticism and perfectionism. To learn to truly value what I have, the really important things: a loving partner and parents, freedom, choices, opportunities. We all have to find courage if we choose to follow our dreams, but accept the path may be strewn with many obstacles and sometimes true happiness isn’t ‘out there’ anyway but is already within each one of us if we learn how to look.
Warm wishes to you and all those out there fighting life’s daily battles.
Jason, London
Dang Steve! – When I get your mails I can’t tell if it’s a guest post until I click through. So having read the post I wasn’t expecting it to be your story. But why shouldn’t it be? Our experiences, like us, come in different shapes and sizes. People will see themselves in you and realize that they were not isolated freaks for going through the same thing. I did and struggle with it today…..yeah, cheeky ol’ me!
But it’s part of life’s tapestry and life doesn’t operate in straight lines , more like hills and troughs, so reminding folks every now and then that they are not alone by sharing these stories is brave and a good thing. Very cool in my books.
Coach Rosie´s last blog ..The Jacksons Skive
Hi Rosie. There is only ever guest posts on a tuesday
so no need to guess any more.
Thanks for your words as always, straight from the hip which is one of the great things about you. Thanks as always Rosie, you’re a star.
When people suffer from severe depression, they are almost locked in a trance state – the feelings of pessimism, hopelessness and worthlessness overcast everything else and the person might feel that the only way out is taking off the jacket for good. Seeking professional help and treatment may help some and yet in others even that support might not be enough to prevent a disaster from taking place. Also empathy and professional advice might not change anything because the logical brain can’t see logic then. The right emotional brain can still be reached by stories and use of metaphors such as yours. Thats when something inside can begin to shift and the person might start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. And that could be the beginning of a new life…
What a powerful post and sharing of priceless life lessons learnt the not-so-easy way. You never know how many lives you may have changed because of listening to that little voice. Thanks, Steve!
Rani Bora´s last blog ..Create your most meaningful “Do, Be and Have” list (and live it), before time runs out!
Hi Rani, thank you for such a wonderful comment. The feelings of despair whilst in a state of depression can be hopeless and no amount of talking can help, it takes a shift of perspective and that’s exactly what happened when I awoke in the hospital, I have never suffered from depression in the 20 years since that day.
Thanks for sharing your story. It amazes me how everything happens for a reason. I just returned home after traveling out of state with my best friend so I could support her in saying goodbye to the love of her life. Her love took his life last week and the grief and loss felt by his family, children, friends and loved ones was beyond measurable. He kept his pain so hidden and felt like a burden to everyone. If only he had asked for help. I happen to work in suicide prevention and this was the first time I truly understand the pain that suicide causes. Your experience reaffirms my work…thanks for choosing to share this difficult experience with us.
Hi Kris, thank you so much for sharing that with us, it shows the other side of suicide – the people that are left behind to deal with the emotional trauma.
I am sorry for your loss Kris and would like to thank you for taking the time to write your comments.
Steven,
Wow, what a powerful post. It took a tremendous amount of courage to share this story. By doing this, perhaps you will reach somebody who is in a similar state of despair and cause them to think twice.
My guess is that most people can really relate to this story. While not everybody has gone this far, I’d be very surprised if anybody said that they had not at least thought about doing something like this at some point in their life. I know I have had 3-4 times in my life when I went to bed and thought that I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up the next morning. Life can get really, really difficult at times.
But like you said, you can always change your life to suit yourself.
Thanks again for having the courage to share this story. I really believe you are going to reach one or more people who will read it at a time when they really need to hear what you have to say.
Greg Blencoe´s last blog ..Benefits of drinking water
Hi Greg. Thanks for your honesty, it seems that these thoughts are actually quite common, which is good for others to know. You’re right, life can get difficult and I guess that’s what makes the person stronger; being able to deal with it and come out at the other end.
I hope someone reads this and has a change of perspective. Thanks Greg.
hi steve well done for letting that out if it was bothering you on the inside its always better to share it”let it out in the open”and that helps put your mind at peace.i to done the same thing in m car because of extreme panic attacks i was having after becoming sober from drugs.i went to a place in my car where i taught nobody would find me and took an overdose but it wasent my time to go altho i was dead on arrivel at the hospital a ploice car spoted me as they drove by me if they had of been 2mins later i would not be here,from then on in i knew i had something different to do in life and thats when i found self help,meditation realizing im one with the universe as energy,and es there is help out there in peoples time of need when they think its all over dont do what i did i was selfish and so was steven but at the time you dont think like that,there is always some one worse of than you are and there is lots of help you can get even just by reading steves blog is a big help if your feeling that way.
lots of peace and good health steve and well done for sharing respect.
and are you starting to notice all the positive things happing at the moment now with more and more people realizing how we can motivate each other just by positive and loving thinking or meditating on are energy’s.
Hi Joe. Thank you for sharing part of your story. It’s great that there is a community safe enough and trusting enough to talk about something like suicide.
Thank you for your honesty and your words Joe, I really appreciate it.
I have a friend who tried killing himself as well. I could never think about taking my own life. There is so much out there. It’s o much better living as long as we do something in our lives. It’s wonderful of you to share a story like this. It will hopefully help many other individuals.
Alex´s last blog ..Shane DeRolf Interview, Exhilaration & Guidance At Its Finest
Hi Alex. There is so much to life that it’s hard to understand why anybody would want to take their own life. Thinking of suicide is when we can’t see what’s out there for us, we are to busy looking inwards and concentrating on dark inner side of us rather than seeing the whole of our inner selves which helps us with the outer self.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing part of your story.
WOW! this is wonderful story which has created an awareness in everyone’s life. Your story is similar to that of mine, as even i had to face many problems in the life from my childhood.
I lost my parents in an accident and was helpless with my brother, we never had any food to have on those days, we use to starve for a long time.. the one time meal was also difficult to get. On those days we both decided on to live because as we were small children we felt lonely, we had no one to held us… One day we met a old person who took us to the orphanage and left us their, they provided us with free food , eduction and etc.. We completed our eduction in scholarship by scoring good marks. Now I am leaving a happy life with my brother.
I appreciate your courage and bravery for making up your mind to a live a happy life with your family members.
From your story i have learn’t a moral moral that each and every person in this world should be happy with what he has and also make others feel happy.
Daniel, that is quite a story and I am so glad you and your brother are thriving in website design.
I think you are right in that we all have a duty to make ourselves happy in life and when we find it, help others to see the happiness out there.
Hi Steven
Thank you for writing this. It’s great.
Through your words you have accomplished a deed that’s truly remarkable. This is, in my mind, a perfect exanple of ‘leading by example’. With this one courageous deed of putting yourself out there for complete scrutiny, you have demonstrated your immense courage. My congratulations to you for this very noble act. Your story is inspiring in more ways than you can imagine.
Hi Rakesh, thanks for your kind words I really appreciate yours and everyone else’s comments and stories on this post and I so hope they help others to create a change in perspective.
Oh Steven,
My God I wish i lived close by..i wouldve come over and given you a massive hug. I am so glad your dad found you in time…otherwise there would be so many things that you’re experiencing right now(the good things) you would never have experienced. The love the life the children….But your decision to change life to suit you…its just miraculous.
I seriously want to come and hug you fro being the bravest Guy ever! Your sharing this shows just how much you have healed…and now this WHOLE YOU is out to heal others…Its just amazing to see how much life can change is we CHOOSE to change it. Nothing is impossible. Youre living proof !
We think ..this is our life..and we can choose to do what we want with it…but we tend to forget that we are connected to so mnay people…family freinds etc…..we fail to see how they will survive this huge loss.
Recently one of my cousins hubby, young 34yrs, committed suicide…my cousin was 8 months pregnant at the time…I have seen how much it broke her…and their family.
Big hug to you for being the bravest bravest Guy!
Much Love,
Z~
Hi Zeenat, I got your hug
We are connected to so many people and it’s amazing how many people are affected by our life, if only we could realise this. I realise it and you realise it and we are looking to help others to realise it to and you are doing such a brilliant job of it.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support as always.
This is an excellent topic you are discussing about and i really appreciate it. It should be going on.
Regards,
hotelomania
Hi Mack, thanks for your comments I appreciate it.
Thanks for your insightful articles which are so inspiring. My life situation is such that i am broke and have no idea how to improve my situation inspite of all the information i have read on te web on how to manifest wealth. I am really getting desparate being a mother of four with one boy in college,another in high school with no certain means of income . The company i work for is facing financial crisis and has not paid salary for over one year. what i need right now is a financial miracle! Please help me.
Hi Jackie, I honestly wish I could help you. The only advice I could offer you at this very moment is to let go. You are clinging to the hope of money coming to you, but with attracting wealth you have to want it in your life but let go of the outcome, you have the want, but are still clutching to it so tightly that your wish cannot breathe. At this moment and time that might not make any sense at all, but if you get it, it will change the way you look at life.
I wish you everything you wish for yourself Jackie. Take care.
It was bad enough to be depressed, but recovering now as I am, goodness me I can understand why I was so miserable! Then sprinkle on some conformity to marriage, work, trends, and without even realizing it, all the conditions are there for much unhappiness and for some of us who already had poor socialization and social skills.
LISA TORRES´s last blog ..2 Groups Of People You Should Network With!
Hi Lisa, thank you for your comments here. I hope everything works out for you for the best.
Amazing! Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life. It’s a gift to us all to recognize that the the jacket can be altered. I especially like how you’ve identified for others a point in time during that period of your life where you recognized — for you in hindsight,but for others offering incredible foresight — that the jacket didn’t fit and you can alter it. I believe MANY are walking around in misfitted jackets — I know I have at various times in my life — and even if it hasn’t or may never come to the life-ending scenario you had the good-fortune to survive — reading this is an opportunity to see ones’ self and alter the jacket. Bravo Steven. Thanks!
Maggie Mae´s last blog .."We Are More Alike Than Different!"
Hi Maggie. Thank you for your insight and your comments here I really appreciate your thoughts.
One of the hardest things I ever did as a manager was forgive myself following the death of a colleague. All of us searched ourselves for clues and actions that might have indicated why Eric took his life. I don’t think we ever believe the classic movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but it’s so true. We all make a difference by our existence and the losses we survivors bear still ache long after the person has gone.
I am blessed to have also managed an inpatient behavioral health unit. I see these patients, so sad and broken, and I am grateful we have a chance to make a difference. I’m grateful they trust us to try.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Mary K´s last blog ..Sparta Humor Very Similar to Healthcare Humor
Hi Mary, thank you for sharing part of your story. It’s amazed me how many people have been affected by suicide.
It’s great to see so many people, like yourself, making a difference to the world with the professions they are in.
Don’t know why I bother commenting, none of them get posted. Any way, this gave me a bit more to think about. As I was/am considering doing this. I guess I don’t see how it would hurt the people that are supposedly close to me. I haven’t seen my son in years, or my mother, father well lets leave that one . So really who would I hurt?
Hi Renee. I have looked at your IP address and wanted to give you the following information:
Phone: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Hours: 24 hours
Crisis Line Association
BC Crisis Line Association
9815 140th Street Surrey, BC V3T 4M4
604 584-5811 (Jackie)
I hope you don’t think I am being cheeky I just wanted to help you in some way.
This is serious.
I’m glad you save yourself from depression. I do not know what to say….
Really remarkable…
Marko || CalmGrowth´s last blog ..How to Become a Millionaire
Hi Marko, thank you for your kind words and your thoughts.
Beautiful of you to share Steven.
You’ll probably never know how many people, nor how deeply, you reached with it.
Namaste
Cathy
Namaste Cathy.
Thank you for your words and your kindness.
hi steve,
this was so touching. I am glad it turned out for the better and as armen said there is one individual behind CYT.
It took courage, guts to express yourself and it’s definitely helped people. all that kept staring at me in the face on yesterdays news was ‘Young people self-harming with sharp objects up 50%’. I just had to blog on it because i felt so uneasy about it.
this story is a testimony that things can definitely take a turn for the better.
take care
p.s. i salute your bravery in dealing with friends who were just drinking buddies
ayo´s last blog ..Don’t Give Up On Life
Hi Ayo. Thank you my friend. It’s hard to distinguish between real friends and drinking buddies and I suppose they were friends as well at the time, and one of them I kept in touch with as he was a real friend, but on the whole they were drinking buddies.
I will check out your post Ayo, as it seems your are passionate about it.
Hello, Steve, I read this on my blackberry and all I could think was to thank you for your courage to share this powerful story. We are living in times when many among us desperately need to hear that we are not alone in what we’re going through, and more importantly, that we always, always have a choice to turn our lives around. Sadness and depression are conditions that are misunderstood and often don’t make sense and when we’re caught up in it, it’s nearly impossible to see hope. This post is helping more people than you know. I’m glad you listened to your instinct. You’ve given us a gift here, my friend. Many thanks.
Hi Belinda, thank you for your kind words and for your support in general. It is bloggers like yourself who are making a huge difference all over the world and it’s such a great thing to have connected with you.
Steven, the outpouring of comments about your post shows how much it resonates with something deep within all of us, including me. Thank you, Steven, not only for sharing your very personal story, but for writing it about so honestly and eloquently. As I read the article I could sense the shift as you moved through your story – it really was like accompanying you through your retelling of your own dark night of the soul. Do you notice the pace of your last paragraph, when you share the changes you made? You are positively dancing through those steps, yet the changes you made to your life were built on the inner strength of self-knowledge and the deep awareness that results from facing inner truths and having the courage to act on them. Keep dancing this new courage and wisdom, Steven – we are dancing alongside you. Thanks and love from the mountains in Japan – Catrien Ross.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Blasting Mount Fuji to Bits – Does Live-Fire Artillery Count As a Spiritual Distraction?
Hi Catrien. It has surprised me the reaction that readers have had to this post. That was also a great observation about the pace of the post toward the end. Thank you from the lowlands of Scotland
Steven,
Look back at all of these comments. Look at all of the people you have touched and inspired with your story and the courage it took to share it. I hope you print these out and post them where they can remind you every day why you fell out of that bed. Your story reminds me of Eckhart Tolle’s early life. Sometimes you have to shake hands with death before you can really begin to live.
I am so glad you are here to tell the story.
Hi Barrie. I loved that saying ‘Shake hands with death’, it really captured what happened that night. Thank you for your kind words.
I really appreciate you sharing this deeply personal and touching experience with such authenticity and candor, Steven. No doubt you’ve come a long way since then, and the world is a better place for it!
Chris Cade´s last blog ..Help Children Use Tapping To Heal Their Cancer
Hi Chris, great to see you here over at CYT. Thank you for your comments I really appreciate them.
This is one of the most inspiring articles I’ve read thus far. I like what you said about the jacket of life and that instead of trying to fit it, we can always alter it to make it fit us. This is the first post I’ve read in your site and I’ll definitely look forward to reading your blog regularly.
Julius´s last blog ..>When Sound is not an Option: A review of Vibrating Devices for Deaf People
Julius, thank you very much for your kind words and joining CYT, I hope you find all the articles as inspiring.
I applaud you for having the courage to share this personal story with the world. There are so many people who experience suicidal ideation or the underlying issue of depression (either circumstantial or chemical). So, your willingness to open up is bound to help someone realize that he/she is not alone.
In most cases, I don’t think the fix is as simple as a momentary decision–but the important thing is that you’re a witness to the fact that it’s not unfixable. Nobody has to settle for existing instead of living. And the pain can end without ending a life.
Thank you so so much for sharing this story. You are brave beyond compare.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..3 Simple Positive Thinking Techniques You’ll Love for Tough Times
Hi Nea, thank you for your support and encouragement today and over the last few months I really appreciate it.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story Steven. I am sure you will help some people who are maybe feeling they are in a similar place and also a good reminder for everyone that you can always turn things around.
Thanks for your comments Jen, always appreciated.
Pretty powerful post and nice honesty. I agree – nothing is ever worth killing yourself over. Hopefully you’re post and helped change minds of people who may be in a similar position as you was then.
Craig Thomas´s last blog ..7 Tricks To Sleep Like A Dog
Thanks Craig, I appreciate your comments on this.
Hi Steven,
I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and enjoy it so much.
When I received this one, I felt your sorrow and I also was able to relate as I’m sure many people can. Thank you for sharing something so personal that deeply touched me.
Life is precious and time goes by too fast. I get frustrated that I’m not always getting ahead the way I wish, especially with all the efforts I make to find opportunities and reach out.
I try and shift my way of thinking into a more positive place in order to avoid feeling negative and push away fear. Being surrounded by the right people makes a difference. Being our own best friend is best place to start.
Have a beautiful day and thank you again,
Brigitte
Hi Brigitte, I am really glad you enjoy the blog.
Being your own best is a profound insight that a lot of people do not get in today’s social world and I thank you for saying that as I think it is really important.
Thank you for your kind words Brigitte.
Dearest Steven, I am crying. Not because your story made me sad, but because I feel a great love for you dear friend. I am years older than you and if you were my son, I would be profoundly proud of you. I AM proud of you. The more I get to know you, the more you confirm for me what I saw in you the first time I read your blog and saw a photo of you. After hearing your story of your early life in school and then this story, I now understand the deep sensitivity I was felt in you. But it’s more than sensitivity; it’s a deep sincerity that you ARE, for you it’s not something that you try to be or “Act”. It’s who you ARE. But it’s even more than that. Your sincerity is so totally YOU, that you genuinely care about others. The path you have embarked upon is only the beginning. Your journey is going to take you to remarkable places, both within yourself and the world around you. You have stepped into BIG shoes and you will easily fill them. It’s what you were born to do.
I will never forget your words here: “…the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.” Now THAT is a rip snorting powerful freedom-making insight. I can really use that right now as I move into my book coming out in the fall. I don’t have to follow anyone else’s path. I can carve my own creative and unique path…or make the jacket fit me. All my life I tried to fit the jacket and never did, Steven. Now I am trying to learn (out here in society) to make the jacket fit ME. I love that.
I am so glad you are here Steven. Your kind heart is so badly needed. Your amazing experiences and human suffering allow you to understand others with compassion. Those experiences are not apart from you; they are part of you. I always knew that there was more to you than many might suspect. Now I know that what I sensed in you is so true. It’s beautiful.
Good for you my friend. You are not only sincere and genuine but you are truly truly brave and gutsy. WOW!! GOOD FOR YOU!! YES!
Many hugs,
Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..How We Shape Our World
Dear Robin, you really do have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever felt and I thank you from the bottom of my tiny little heart.
I laughed at your words ‘rip snorting powerful freedom-making insight’, actually laughed out loud, and I was reading your comments at work
Robin, you are going to change the world with your book and I cannot wait to see you being carried along in your journey toward enlightenment.
Thank you a million times and I graciously accept and reciprocate your hugs.
emotions are so fickle that that alone is reason enough not to take your own life! trusting that there is impermanence in everything is both comforting AND depressing, but humbling. when things are bad, it will get better. life constantly shift, changes, and so do people along the way.
floreta´s last blog ..A Little More Zen
Hi Floreta, it’s great saying that emotions are so fickle and nobody should take their own life because of them, however actually understanding that is a totally different thing. You are totally right, things will always get better, ALWAYS.
Thank you for your words.
Steven,
I really think that it took a lot of courage to write all of this for everyone to see. I don’t know why you decided to do that, but I admire it.
I never thought of committing suicide, no matter how hard things in life were. Whenever I felt like my life was hard, I just thought of my family, friends and people who loved and cared about me. But there was something else, too – I will never forget a documentary (cannot remember the name, for the life of me) in which young children, ages 2-10 were sick and in hospital.
They were so beautiful, just wanted to play, wanted to live a life. At the end of the documentary, all of them were asked to tell one wish. And guess what their wish was?
Health. Health so they can go outside and play with their friends. A change at happy childhood.
That’s what got to me. I felt so ungrateful even thinking about ending my life in one way or another – I was healthy, and there were so many sick children and adults who just wanted to be healthy.
I completely agree with your last paragraph – there is not a problem in the world that cannot be solved. There are ways…
Once again, thanks for the emotional post, and the courage it took to write it. Good luck!
CP ´s last blog ..Minnesota Man Dreams Of Career In Public Speaking
Hi CP, thank you very much for part of your story and sharing what comforts you in life, I appreciate it.
What a moving and inspiring story, Steve. Thank you for listening to that voice that compelled you to share this with us. This will stick with me for a long time.
Eva @ Eva Evolving´s last blog ..Daylight Saving Time and Nostalgia
Thank you Eva, I am glad this had an impact on you. Thank you for your comments.
Steven, this is the best, most personal, most useful and most unusual post I have ever read. You had a lot of courage to share it with all your readers and this just shows how much you have changed from that night.
Thank you so much for sharing this story and the lessons that you have leaned. I am so glad that you are here today to tell this story and to prove with your own example that life is only what you make out of it. We all have complete control over our lives even if sometimes we think that we don’t.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..Is Vegetarianism a Part of a Balanced Diet?
Wow, Anastasiya, that is quite an accolade and I am truly grateful. You are right, we do have complete control of our lives, if only we could realise this. Thank you again.
Steve,
Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing this deeply personal story. I’m sure you believe that you were kept alive for a reason. This is a story that many people need to hear, especially young people. So many people feel that life is meaningless. But the truth is that there’s a purpose to our lives. Again, thanks for sharing, and thanks for using your pain to teach people important life lessons.
Peace!
Hi Michael, thanks for visiting CYT and thank you for your thoughts I really appreciate them
Well now we are all crying but I think tears of happiness as well as sadness. I wish the stigma against depression was lifted and you had been able to talk about this. I have experienced it too but I thought it was normal and everyone felt that way. Depression does have a silver lining. Once you’ve been there you never want to go back and that’s a powerful lesson in the importance of looking after yourself emotionally and physically.
Thanks for sharing this story with us. I think it’s a brave step and hope it will be a cathartic one too. You are so loved and wanted here and have really touched people round the world through your writing.
Hi Annabel. Thank you for your kind words. It seems that this is quite common which is a good thing in a way however, like you said, there is still a stigma around having these feelings and the whole area of depression. There was a good television campaign in Scotland with it’s headline ‘See me! Not the label’ which was great for raising awareness of mental illness. Even the word ‘mental’ has negative connotations.
I applaud you for your courage in sharing your story. I certainly can resonate with having to lose some friends in order to get on track. I am so glad that you have managed to turn your life around and is now living one that is closer to your heart. To your continued success!
Evelyn Lim´s last blog ..Use The Pink Bubble Technique for Creative Visualization
HI Evelyn. Thank you for your words. I think people think that once you have made friends with someone you are friends for life, but as you grow, you can grow apart and leaving your friends should be natural but sometimes it has to be done in a sudden way.
Incredible. Touching. Powerful. And very brave of you to share this with your readers. I have never said this before but I am glad you fell off that bed and hit that floor hard enough for that sweet father of yours to save your life, and I hope that you have the best fitted jacket for the rest of your days. Great story, Steven.
Hi Farnoosh, thank you for your kind words I really appreciate them. My jacket has been tailored very well now and is a great fit. Have you altered your jacket?
Gosh I change my jackets, buy new ones, donate old ones, store some away for weeks or months or years and then pick them back up to wear, if that’s any indication of my drive to change, to grow, to keep it exciting and always unpredictable but I am always going to make it fit me!
Steven, thank you for this. I am sure it will encourage many people to think again.
Some years ago after my marriage had failed and I had lost my job, my flat, my children were taken by my ex-wife, and my church had fallen apart I went to Wales to walk in the mountains, and didn’t really expect to come back. In fact part of me planned not too. When I got to the top of The Skirrit, (also known as Holy Mountain) I watched the kestrels soar high and free, and then the wind violently came up. With my heavy backpack I thought I was going to be blown off the top, and in a moment of fear I realised I didn’t actually want to die, but rather just didn’t know how to live.
Now, five years later I am happily remarried, my desire to know God is higher than ever and I am making a difference in a few peoples’ lives through coaching and training. It’s not always clear what is around the corner but I can confidently encourage people now to hang on and have faith in their Creator. Even since then, we have faced some significant challenges but now I don’t care – BRING IT ON!! beacause I have survived and thrived.
It’s worth reminding yourself what you have come through to remember that you are far tougher than you think. You do have something to offer the world, everybody does and it is a case of having the faith to search for it. I did not enjoy those terrible lonely times but I now don’t regret having them because of what they have made me.
God bless you with Him
Doug
Hi Doug, thank you so much for sharing your story here and it shows just how much one life can be turned around in a few short years. Thanks you for your kind words and encouragement and I would offer the same encouragement back in your business – keep going as you are nearly there.
Listening to that voice inside telling you to write this was smart. So was listening to yourself after waking in the hospital. I’m glad that you have made so many good decisions for yourself.
-Molly G.
Bumbles´s last blog ..ON BOOKS ~ War And Peace And Fate…
Hi Molly, thanks for your kind words I really appreciate them
What a moving article and such a brave transparent step for you to take. Not sure I could do this if I were in your shoes. I will say that I can use this as another inspiring post to remind me it’s OK to be open and honest about who and what I am.
Several yrs. (15) I experienced a mid-life crisis as I like to refer to it. Had everything as you mentioned and just walked away from it all, never looked back. I’ve not fully recovered from it yet and still struggle at times but it’s little reminders like this that I use to take it a moment at a time.
Sounds like some powerful intervention took place from something greater than you. Glad you followed up by making changes.. sometimes starting over means beginning to live. A wise ole man mentor of mine once told me that, “we never really learn to live until we accept death as a part of living.” Then and only then can we begin to experience true happiness and learn to live.
lees shizzle´s last blog ..Being a Good Doggie ~ Guest Post
Lees, this was actually a very scary thing to do and it took me a while to hit the publish button, but I am glad I did. Sounds like your mentor was a wise person indeed.
Hi Steven
To the best of my recollection – that is both the most moving, and most honest, post that I have had the pleasure of reading.
I would call it brave, but it’s better than that; it reflects on you as a fantastic, ego-free and fear-free person. Which I’m sure is over-stating the case assuming you’re human! but hopefully you get my point.
The contrast between the bottomless despair that you describe, and the peace of mind that is evident here, is truly inspirational.
It’s a pleasure to have found your blog.
Sean
Hi Sean, thank you so much for your comment, it’s truly appreciated. I am so glad you found the blog and hope you come back.
Wow ! ! !
That fall to the floor was divine intervention.
I am here today because of divine intervention. I attempted to end my journey in Feb 2005 but before I set to the task I wrote a good bye email for my family and left it on the computer never sending it – so I thought. While I was “doing the deed” my brother 3 time zones away was awake and my email program sent the email to him – automatically. He called the cops in his city, then called my Mom to get my address because I can moved recently and she called the cops in my city and two officers were at my door to take me to the hospital just as I was about to “succeed” .
Life is so much better these days. I took control of my life back and I am on “the journey” to stay. There are still hills to climb and plateaus to sit on and rocks to trip on but I pick myself up – dust myself off and carry on.
Sheila, hearing your story, I’m really thankful that the email program somehow sent your email over, and that your brother, mom and cops acted quickly to reach you. As you said, “divine intervention”. I’m really happy for you that you have taken control of your life since then and now you’re here to stay. Let’s all journey through the beautiful journey life together
Celestine Chua´s last blog ..Poll: Should I Turn Comments On?
Hi Sheila, welcome back to life, a little belatedly
I think once we have gone down the road of taking action on ending our life, life can never be the same and fear, to a certain extent can disappear. Thank you so much for sharing part of your story, I appreciate it a lot.
Steven, I’m amazed by how much you have evolved since that night. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Like Dani said, it takes a lot of courage to write about something like this and I’m really proud of who you have become. I really look forward to knowing you better.
Celestine Chua´s last blog ..Poll: Should I Turn Comments On?
I have had a tough last couple of years, but luckily had support systems that kept me from falling completely apart. One thought that was useful to me in some of the toughest moments was “God would never give an obstacle he didn’t know I was capable of overcoming”. I am not particularly religious, but this thought was of help to me. Thanks for sharing.
Conor Neill´s last blog ..Overcoming Adversity? Aimee Mullins at TED.com
Steve,
I commend you not only for sharing but having the courage to share this deeply personal experience.
You’ve gone from giving up on your life that night to making a difference in people’s lives since. I guess there is truth to the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Your “decision” to take pills instead of jumping off a tall building, you falling off the bed, your dad hearing it, even your sharing this experience, all of it has a reason, doesn’t it? We all have choices and we make them, some are made by our subconscious mind for what’s good for us.
I’m glad – like every one of your readers – that you are still here 20 years later.
Steven,
If you don’t know why you wrote this then you need to take a look here:
http://peace4missing.ning.com/profiles/blogs/the-night-i-gave-up-on-life?xg_source=activity
Your article was shared on Peace4 the Missing. You need to see the comments that were left for you there. These are people that are going through the worse nightmare, the worse ongoing hell that anyone could ever go through but they reached out to you, your words touched them.
Your sharing was God driven, no need to figure it out!
Maureen
Wow, what a powerful article, Steven.
I agree with Maureen that your sharing was driven by God.
I have just nipped over to peace4the Missing to read some of the comments. It’s amazing how this one article has touched the lives of so many and will continue to do so for some time.
I bookmarked your site recently and because of the wealth of information that interested me, I decided to spend some time on your site today.
2 hours later……still on it – May you continue to bless others as you journey on.
Carole in the UK
Carole ´s last blog ..A Tranquil Place for Busy People
Wow, this post has been one of the most powerful I’ve ever read. I couldn’t imagine the thoughts going through your mind. I’m very happy you’ve turned this traumatic event into a life changing experience.
We can’t foresee how our decisions will effect others lives. When we break down it down, we realize that family and friends are the most dear to all of us. We have to fight for them, even if it means we live in turmoil. We have to bring joy to their lives, living selflessly.
Murlu´s last blog ..A Crash Course On Holding Your First Blog Contest
Steve I echo this story. On New Year’s Eve 1999 I took a knife to kill myself after year upon year of everything going wrong including death, relationship break-ups, lost jobs, health problems and financial devestation. Gladly it was an epiphany and I, like you, took a different path to a more positive place. Suicide is a way out but facing the problems surrounding it is a way through. A truly glorious honest piece of work that I commend you for. Thank you, genuinely thank you.
John Sherry´s last blog ..The Treasures of Life’s Simple Pleasures
I just want to say that I recently discovered your blog from a friend and this post is very uplifting.I am 22 years old and at a point in my life where I feel like I don’t belong where I am.It seems like the odds are all against me and I feel no motivation to live but this post was very inspiring and just proves that every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.
{ 3 trackbacks }