Line BreakAuthor: Gail Brenner (1 Articles)
Gail Brenner writes at her blog, A Flourishing Life, where she delights in offering practical wisdom for untangling self-defeating habits and realizing happiness. Subscribe to the RSS feed and stay updated on the latest inspiring articles.
“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” (Lao Tzu)
Have you noticed that we live in a complex world? Every moment is filled to the brim with stimuli that vie for our attention. We manage by reacting to what’s in front of us, doing the next thing so we can keep our heads above water. When we live in this haphazard way, we find ourselves stumbling through life with minds disturbed by confusing thoughts, bodies in stress, and hearts heavy with anxiety and self-doubt.
We rarely, if ever, stop to think: What is my life really about?
Years ago, my friend, Jason, was offered an impressive job that included money, prestige, and influence. It was the kind of offer that most people thought he was crazy to turn down. Yet he did. From the outset, there was something that didn’t feel quite right. He spent two weeks filtering through the enticing aspects of the proposal until he finally became clear.
He realized that the people he would be working with were motivated by dominance and power, qualities at odds with his core values. He is now happily ensconced in a seemingly lower status position that affords him the greatest joy and fulfillment. Jason figured out what was important to him, then used it to inform his decision. He followed his heart.
Why Simplify Your Life
Knowing what is really important to us – and using this as a benchmark to guide our actions – brings tremendous simplicity to the millions of decisions, large and small, that we make every day. When your life expresses what you truly want for yourself, you experience:
- A sharp and clear mind. When you act according to what you want your life to be about, you only have to think about a decision once. You don’t need to clog the mind by deliberating, justifying, or second-guessing yourself.
- Confidence. You are more committed to your decisions, making doubt and worry
unnecessary, confusion obsolete. - Conscious living. You get to be awake and grounded in the moments of your life rather than coasting through a mindless daily existence.
- Greater fulfillment. When you embody what is important to you, your life becomes infused with it, leading to more satisfaction and happiness
What Is Your Life About?
The starting point for knowing what you want your life to be about is to recognize what your life is actually about. How to know this? Not by coming up with a list of values or writing your life mission statement. The answer is simple: you know what your life is about by looking at how you spend your time.
If you chronicle the actions you take and the thoughts that occupy your attention over say, a 5-day span of time, you will know what your life is about.
What you will discover are the reasons why you feel depleted and unbalanced, why enjoyable work and gratifying relationships have eluded you. This method disables our tendencies to delude or justify ourselves. It requires the willingness to undertake an honest appraisal in the service of ultimately greater simplification, satisfaction, and joy.
What Do You Want Your Life to Be About?
Armed with the truth, you are in the ideal position to know what you want your life to be about. There are no prescriptions about what should be important to you, no right or wrong answers. You simply ask: “In this moment, what do I want my life to be about?” then wait for the response to appear.
The answer might be a core quality, such as truth, love, or peace, that permeates your life in general and/or a guideline that shifts dynamically, depending on the situation you are in. If you are about to sit down for a meal, making healthy choices might be your directive, whereas, if you are lolling about on the couch too long, the desire to spend your time in a more enriching way might be foremost in your mind.
Putting It into Action
Now, let your discovery guide your actions. In order for your life to actually be about what you want it to be about, you act in accord with what you discover when you ask the question.
At this point, anything can happen. If you are ready to initiate an argument or defend yourself against wrongdoing, maybe you will walk away, take a breath, or offer an olive branch. If you are obsessively repeating a story in your mind of self-pity or victimhood, maybe you will turn your attention to something more affirming. Maybe you will realize that a major life change is in order.
Aligning your actions with your deepest longings and desires might happen smoothly, or you may face a significant upheaval for some time. Fear is likely to come knocking on your door as you turn away from the status quo and consider actions that may be viewed as erratic or unpopular. Let courage inspire you.
In my own experience, becoming clear about what is important to me and committing to living it in every moment changed everything. The end of anxiety and confusion has revealed the flow of creativity, balance, and effortless joy. Clarify what you truly want, and watch your life shine.
“When deeds and words are in accord, the whole world is transformed.”
Chuang Tzu
What do you want your life to be about? What would need to change for your actions and deepest desires to be in alignment? I’d love to hear your reactions and insights.
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Gail, welcome to CYT.
I loved this post and thought it just cut straight to the core of what life is about. The exercise you have given here is also a very powerful one, yet so very simple, there is no running away from it, we record what we do with our time and simply ask ourselves what we really want to be doing. thank you so much and I hope you enjoy your stay at CYT.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to offer a guest post here, Steven. I love your site and the community of people here!
I find it really useful to drill down to the truth of everything – especially to how we spend each moment. When we are conscious of what we are doing with our lives, life becomes so much more fulfilling and alive!
What an excellent article Gail.
The questions that you provided are such powerful self-awareness tools, we should all consider them carefully. Jason’s example serves a good reminder not to put anything, regardless of it’s surface appeal, ahead of what actually harmonizes with our true self.
As you pointed out, only when we align our actions with what it truly important to us on a core level can we ever find that deep sense of happiness and satisfaction we all long for.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Time to Focus on Abundance Instead of Scarcity
Thanks so much for your comment, Jonathan! The way I think about it – there is always a choice. We can live blindly, involved in our habits, or we can be alive to what we are actually doing. Even if the moment isn’t a pleasant one, I choose being conscious every time – and I suspect you do also! Being in the moment is where the juice of life is.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Hello Gail Brenner,
I really like your post. I am a 21yr old and in a initial stage of a career.The post like this will surely help me in redefining my goals with a more clear vision. This post will be a stimuli for all those who don’t want mindless daily existence.
Thank you
Nitin
Hi Nitin,
You are in such an exciting time of life! I love that you are reading this website and that you are so interested in living mindfully. I have no doubt that, as you check in to see what you really want, you will find a life path that is aligned with your truest heart’s desire. I wish you all the best.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Nice one Gail,
I love using powerful questions as a compass in life. And this is one of those questions. It helps a lot with clarifying where you are and where you want to be, which I think is the foundation for improvement.
Eduard
Ideas With A Kick´s last blog ..Positive thinking won’t help you now
Hi Eduard,
I totally agree with you. When we look inside and see what we want, sometimes we see that we are not living in accordance with that. Then we can make a shift based on our deepest desires. This is the foundation for improvement.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Nice topic
I loved it so much
and really shifting our values from the unconsciousness levels to the consciousness levels makes so far personal change.
thanks for this post
go ahead and have a good day
That’s it exactly, Mostafa. When we shift from being unconscious to being awake in our lives, things change as we become more aligned with our truest desires.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..A Request for Help with Social Anxiety (Q&A)
This is an amazing article, Gail. And loved how you put awareness of where you at first before gettng clear of where you want to go. Not many people do this.
So true, once we get clear on what we truly want our life to be about, life becomes easier, more enjoyable and I noticed that opportunities and ideas start flowing out of nowhere helping and pushing me forward.
The power of clarity should not be underestimated. Thank you!
Lana – DreamFollowers Blog´s last blog ..My 2010 Goals and 2 Awesome Techniques I Used to Set Them.
Your comment is right on, Lana! It is an essential step to see where we actually are, and to acknowledge if we are off course in relation to what we really want. This might be difficult to realize, but helps us to live a life that is more aligned with what we want.
I have had the same experience as you: when we are clear, we are in the flow. Ideas and opportunities happen effortlessly. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we know anything more about the future – but we certainly are clear on where to focus our energy in the present.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
When I get the answer to the question I’m often faced with huge internal resistance. A few things that can help me get through.
Realise the positives AND NEGATIVES of both acting on it in the short term and the LONG TERM. Often we don’t think about the negatives of not acting in the long term.
If you can see pain no matter which way you choose to go ask yourself what are the sources of the pain. If one is fear and the other is not living aligned with who you want to be/are then choose to act aligned with what you truly believe. This is because if you do not you will always keep coming back to this same choice, the fear will pass.
There is a lot of wisdom in your comment, Jarrod. Our choice is often being ruled by fear or having the courage to live in ways that are true for us. We are so fortunate that we get to make this choice. A teacher of mine once said, “Fear is never a good reason to do anything.”
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Thank you for your post….I had an AH HA! experience from it, a long time ago a person told me to use the K.I.S.S. principle in life, but I was a bit to young to know, what that actually meant…thanks to your post the penny has finnally dropped! K.I.S.S. stands for Keep It Simple Silly.
Tim,
I am celebrating your ah ha experience with you! It always boils down to this moment. When we are awake to what is true for us in any given moment, life becomes very simple. We don’t have to figure it all out – we just need to be aware now!!
Great post, and great exercise…I love the idea of asking yourself what you want your life to be about in the small moments of life, because it’s all these small that make up a life, and asking and answering that question can really help you stay focused in life.
It’s also a great eye opener if when you do the five day scan you realize that what you think about most doesn’t coincide with actually do most of the time. This is something I’ve actually been considering for the past few months which helped me come to the conclusion to leave my current job. Your post was inspiring in pointing out that the fear is normal, but that’s it’s so worth it to push through.
Well said, C Louise! The only thing we actually have is the moment appearing right now. If we focus on this moment, we are present and alive. A life is made up of all these tiny moments, and, if we are conscious, we have something to do with how it turns out.
I have had the same experience as you: checking in with what I want and realizing that I can change something about myself so that I am again aligned with what is true for me.
I love that you were so clear that you decided to make a major life change! I wish you all the best with your new job or career.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Hey there, Gail:
I enjoyed reading your guest post. Your observation is right on the money. In the past, companies treated their employees like cogs in the machinery: you had to actually punch the clock on your way in and way out. There are companies out there that still treat their employees like robots or machines. The environment at such companies tends to be stifled by bureaucracy, office politics, and the “winner takes it all and the losers take the fall” kind of mindset. As a result, people who work for such companies find they have to burn the candle at both ends in order to get ahead. Corporate burn-out is a growing malaise in our society; companies even have EAP to address such issues. Quickly, employees realize, however, that success at work does not equal a happy life. Destructive competition means they have to spend crazy hours at work and routine travel is expected, which means they hardly spend “quality time” with their near and dear ones. This can inexorably lead to divorce, broken homes, and problems with substance abuse–even violence.
We have been witness to this phenomenon time and again in our workplaces.
Some frustrated employees take out their anger through sabotage; others who own guns can go on a rampage. There is, however, a silver lining amid the dark clouds: the human potential movement. Some enlightened companies, for example, have begun to experiment with nap rooms, meditation rooms, yoga classes, and have even encouraged their employees to work out in the gym. The experience of being in the lap of nature can also have a calming influence on employees: go for a leisurely stroll in the park; or the company can sponsor picnics every once in a while. I think we need a more enlightened philosophy, where employees are recognized as human beings and not just simply as money-making profit centers. The human potential movement is an antidote to the social pressures we face and, quite clearly, an idea whose time has come. Companies would be well-advised to start treating employees as individuals with “higher order needs” (as Abraham Maslowe has indicated in his hierarchy of needs.) Furthermore, it would help if employees are allowed to work at jobs that are personally meaningful, so they feel they are making a genuine contribution and feel fulfilled and happy. The individual who works should not be looked at in isolation; we need to focus on the whole being of the person. Finally, an employee who feels happy at work is also more likely to be more efficient and productive. The human potential movement has ushered in a sea-change. Unfortunately, only a few companies have been experimenting with these and related ideas. Society is unlikely to change until we reach “critical mass.” However, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi Archan,
I so appreciate your thoughts about the workplace and the possibility for our work environments being humane and supportive. People feel much more fulfilled when they are treated with respect and given opportunities to grow. It is people like you, who feel so strongly about this issue, who can increase the momentum for real change. As people become more conscious, we can definitely see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Wow, Excellent article.
You are right everyone needs to sort out what they want from life and how best to get it with out going against their beliefs.
Jasons example is an excellent example of that, turning down an opportunity beacuse it did not fit with his beliefs.
Thank you so much, Jonathan. You know, sometimes it takes real courage to act in accordance with what we truly want. Jason literally sat in a hotel room for two weeks trying to get to the bottom of his discomfort. He finally did, and it was not easy for him to tell others of his decision.
When we want to live a life that is true – consistent with our beliefs and deepest desires – we can’t be afraid to act in ways that go against the grain. I found Jason’s story very inspiring.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Gail what a fantastic article. Thanks for sharing that
Jon | Adventures of the Fearless´s last blog ..Dahn Yoga: Cult? or Not? – Cult Awareness
You are so welcome, Jon. I’m glad you liked it. The name of your blog, Adventures of the Fearless, is a great inspiration in line with the message from this post. When we choose to live according to our truest desires, we need to be fearless, or at least willing to act despite fear.
Thanks Gail!
You know, I have always found that the average person is afraid to acknowledge who they are, much less “be” who they are.
We seem to grow up with the idea that we aren’t good enough. We need to study more. Or earn more money. Achieve a higher status. Get better looking body. Or get more popular friends.
All seems to revolve around the simple truth that, from our earliest moments, our environment is teaching us that we are insufficient human beings.
I believe that this is one of the key causes of the unhappiness of humanity.
I am a parent. So I keep this thought in my mind all the time. There is a huge difference between showing a child that a certain behavior is wrong because it hurts others, for example, and communicating to a child that they themselves are defective.
It seems like such a fine line at the time. Perhaps just a matter of semantics.
But it is clear to me that we fail to live lives true to who we really are because we learn from our earliest moments that who we are is not OK. At least, not “yet”. Lose a few more pounds first. Get that promotion. Whatever.
So many folks are perpetually just a step or two away from accepting themselves as they are. As adequate in their own eyes. They might as well be a thousand miles away, because few ever get “there.”
And we all know that there is no “there” to get to. We are already “here.” We have always been “here.” We are what we have always been. We just have to dump the insecurities that we have learned and realize that we are all OK.
Only then can we get on with the life that we have truly come to this Earth to live. Only then can anyone truly be happy.
Keep up your great work!
All the best,
Hugh
Thank you so much for your insightful comment, Hugh. As you say, a feeling of lack, of not being good enough, is at the core of human suffering. Most of us have a habit, an addiction, even, to “if only.” If only I were more successful, popular, whatever. As you have articulated so clearly, we begin to learn this as soon as we leave the womb.
True happiness comes from realizing that every moment is already fulfilled. The insecurities you describe keep us from realizing this essential truth. “Dumping them” is for many of us our life path. As these thought patterns, and the emotions that drive them, are seen fully, we are no longer held hostage to them. We can reclaim the peace that is our birthright and begin to enjoy this precious life as it is appearing in this moment.
BTW, I love what you are offering on your site! Sounds like you are thoroughly enjoying yourself!
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
I love this post, Gail. You made it really simple to get down to the basics. I hope to see more of your great writing soon.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..Happiness: By Chance or By Choice?
Great to hear from you, Nea! Glad you liked the post. Getting down to the basics clears confusion and brings clarity. I love that this is possible!
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
what a really nice and very inspiring post! congratulations Gail.. so far this was the best blog post that I have read not just an ordinary post but a really INSPIRING one now I am thinking what I really want and if my choices are right thank you very much hope to hear more from you!!
Hi Michael, I am so glad you found the post helpful – thanks so much for sharing that.
Reading posts is one thing, but actually taking what they say and putting them into action in our own lives is another. Sounds like you are directly applying these ideas to your own decisions!
Life is ultimately our own individual journey. When we actually pay attention and make changes, we can’t help but live a more conscious – and fulfilling – life.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Gail, thanks again for reminding us about the importance of purpose. That reminds me of the classical Maslow quote: ““What human beings can be, they must be.”
Becoming clear what your true calling is, is an essential need to us like drinking water – no wonder that our souls feel so thirsty when we don’t care about this need.
Patrick @ unwrapyourmind.com´s last blog ..UNWRAPPED: The Ultimate Guide to Get Where You Want to Go – FAST! Part 2 – Motivation
I appreciate your comment, Patrick. Beautifully said. When we pay attention to what we really want, there is the possibility of being fulfilled.
Many people don’t know what their calling is. I have found that the clarity comes by paying attention to the tiny moments. Questions like: “What do I really want in this moment?” and “What is my next step?” can be very revealing and help us find our true path.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Will These Memories Ever Go Away?
Hi Gail
Excellent post… I like your way of writing… My comment is…
1. “He followed his heart.” It is of great importance in decision making. Because something seems attractive, does not mean that it is. Many people include intuition and core values in their decisions.
2. “Why Simplify Your Life” – Advantages of simplicity are great, I have personally experienced that… The biggest is that we make room for what is really important.
3. “What Is Your Life About?” – I’ve never do this, so I can not provide a valid comment…
4. “What Do You Want Your Life to Be About?” – “In this moment, what do I want my life to be about?” – great advice for those who are still discovering their purpose… This will help someone to see life from the present moment…
5. “Putting It into Action” – Of course, action is very important, what we do shows what we are actually.
Brilliant article about what life should be, thanks…
I so appreciate your comment, Marko. You clearly articulate all the main points.
I love your addition to the list of advantages of simplicity: we make room for what is really important. And your point about putting it into action shows what we are actually.
This is a simple way to live – not always easy or popular, but my experience is it gets easier over time. In the beginning, if someone is not used to living like this, they will bump up against old patterns and belief systems that need to be seen through. Once the boulders are cleared from the river, it’s pretty much free flowing.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Exploring Memories (audio)
Really excellent post. I think Keeping life simple is very important. I use the 80/20 rule to make my tasks more easier. I have found that a greater life has been a result of simplifying.
“A greater life has been a result of simplifying.” Well said, Baker. You are a testimony to the possibility for all of us.
What is the opposite of simplifying? Confusion, stress, overwhelm, and dissatisfaction. I’ll choose simplification any day.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Exploring Memories (audio)
Fantastic post Gail. I had an article in draft called ‘how to get the answer to any question’ and my ideas are exactly on par with yours. When I finish writing it I’ll make sure I like back to here too!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..A Quick Guide To Dealing With Negative People
Great, Amit! I look forward to reading your article. I love connecting with like-minded people!
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Exploring Memories (audio)
This can be such an easy thing to ‘overthink.’ Yet, by continuously asking ourselves this question, I do believe that we can live the most peaceful and satisfying life, and one that will have the most impact. I’ll be asking myself the question and watching my actions….thanks for the great article!
I’m glad you make the point about overthinking, Steve. This is not a practice to do with the rational mind, but rather an inner checking-in and listening to see what is actually true for us in any given moment.
To anyone practicing the suggestions in this article, I’d love to hear how it goes!
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Exploring Memories (audio)
Hi Gail,
Amazing blog entry. I observe that our values, needs, and want changes over time. This month we can be very motivated about participating in a debate course. The next month we are really into music class. Today we may be craving Italian food, and Chinese food the next day.
So how do we pick what we ‘really’ want out of life. Or should we go on trying out every ‘crave’ or ‘want’ that comes on our daily life ?
Cheers
Zainul Franciscus´s last blog ..Managing your passwords
You’ve asked a great question, Zainul, and one that is sure to come up for anyone trying out the suggestions in the post.
In terms of how we live our lives, the most important desires are the deepest ones, the ones that we want our lives to be about, those essential drivers. Surface wants float in and out all the time, and acting on them is not always wise. Say you ask yourself what you want, and the answer is to go shopping for clothes you know you can’t afford. Here I would recommend going deeper to see what it is you really want. If someone trying to recover from alcoholism took a drink every time they wanted one, they certainly wouldn’t make much progress.
Our surface wants may be benign, such as “I want to listen to classical music right now” or they mask something deeper that needs to be addressed. If something is being masked, it will come to light as you ask yourself what you really want, and then you have an opportunity to investigate it so it doesn’t keep holding you back.
I trust that we all have a natural intelligence that will steer us in the right direction – if we listen to it. So for any desire that comes up, you can sit with it in silence for a moment, see how it resonates inside of you, and if you are being honest with yourself, you will know if it is true and real for you or if it will take you somewhere you know, in your heart of hearts, that you don’t want to go.
I also would caution against overthinking everything that appears in your mind. Spontaneity is wonderful and can sometimes take us to the most amazing places.
So it is a balance – and a process: being wise, checking in with yourself, and allowing the space to have things not go perfectly. I like to think of life as a river that we are navigating. There may be rocks, boulders, and even dams that appear before us, and our job is to keep things flowing.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..In Awe of the Ordinary
Hi, Gail.
Thank You again.
I really want to say thank you for posting this. I liked it so much, I’m 17 years old, about to graduate from high school and start college. But I don’t know what I really want to do with the rest of my life.. I know I want to succeed in life but don’t quite know how. At this point of my life I’m not the happiest, I have had better times but I really want to find out what I want my life to be about. How do I know what I really want? It seems like a simple question to answer but I overthink it and it is a bit harder than what it seems.
I will surely keep this question in mind and make sure my life is really about what I want.
Hi Andrea,
I absolutely love that you are 17 and are reading this blog!
“What do you really want?” is a big question for all of us, and especially for someone who is young. You may not be able to see the big picture, the whole vision for your life right now, but I am certain there are some things you know. What do you like? What do you move toward and away from? What lights you up? As you get to know where you are naturally inclined to go, the path will become clear, little by little.
You already know your most important want: to make sure your life is really about what you want. With that as a starting point, I am certain the pieces will fall into place.
May your journey bring you everything your heart longs for….
Richard,
Thank you so much for your comment. I love how you cut through any illusions like a sword. We enslave ourselves in any number of ways by letting fear, obligation, and expectations rule our lives. Any of these can make us stay in a job we don’t enjoy.
Asking ourselves what we really want our lives to be about is a direct route to freedom.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Happiness from the Inside Out