Line BreakAuthor: Ayo Olaniyan (11 Articles)
Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive™ Life Coach and Counsellor. He is a member of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council, an accredited professional counsellor with the Counselling Society and the author of Expanding Your Horizons. If you would like to enquire about personal and professional one-to-one coaching sessions, please visit www.discoveringpurpose.co.uk or send an email to ayo@discoveringpurpose.co.uk. Remember, it's about creating a purpose driven life through personal development.
This is the tenth session of Ask The Coach. The main aim of this weekly session is to ask you, the reader, to ask a question to the coach by posting a comment on this post and each week myself and Ayo Olaniyan will attempt to help you by answering your question.
Question from Srinath answered by Ayo.
**Please note this is an edited version of the question**
How do you stay away from worries and feeling inferior, when you look at people who have got some of those things you long to have. Also, what are the steps required to focus on our goals and achieve them.
Hello Srinath
Thanks for your question on ‘Ask The Coach.
There are two issues raised in your question. They are a) inferiority complex and b) focusing on your goals.
I will dwell a bit more on inferiority complex because you mentioned it twice in the original version of the question and conclude the post with a few tips on how to stay focused/motivated on your goals.
From personal experience, I’ve discovered once you deal with issues revolving around your inferiority complex, you can manage your goals, dreams and aspirations properly. There are also times you become motivated to achieve realistic and reasonable goals as a result of certain issues giving rise to the complex.
Alfred Adler (Individual Psychology) described inferiority complex as a feeling of low self worth. It’s often stems from your imaginations and is associated with insecurity, discouragement, low self esteem and sometimes envy.
The causes are as follows:
- Feelings of Rejection
- Your Physical Appearance
- Your shortcomings.
- Mental Limitations
- Parental Attitude/Your upbringing
- Unnecessary Comparisons with the achievements of others
- Lack of proficiency.
- Self Pity.
- Poor Self Confidence/Self Esteem.
- Failure
- Social disadvantages and discrimination.
The list is endless, but it would be helpful to sit down for a moment, think deeply of circumstances, events and people that unconsciously bring about your feelings of inferiority complex.
Once you’ve done that, the next step is to look at possible ways of overcoming inferiority complex.
Here are a few suggestions:
Be Yourself
This is fast becoming my favourite slogan. Everyone is unique in his/her own way. You are born, brought up, conditioned differently. You need to increase the level of your self awareness, look out for your unique qualities, discover who you are, what you are passionate about, your skill sets, strengths, tolerance levels etc.
Celebrate Your Strengths/Achievements
Celebrate your achievements. It’s not easy getting to the point where you are. You’ve been strong, faithful, hardworking,…………(find more examples) to get to this stage in life. Go on enjoy each precious moment.
From research, people with inferiority complex tend to pay little or no attention to their success, achievements or strengths. They also find it slightly difficult to accept worthy praises for a job well done or any form of accomplishments because the focus is on what other people are doing(achieving) and finding reasons or questioning themselves for not attaining a particular level of success.(Please note: This is different from being inspired by the success of others).
Stop Making Unnecessary Negative Assumptions
Stop imagining people are going to laugh at or mock you for being you. Even if they do so, be proud and raise your head high up because THEY JUST DON’T GET IT. Stop assuming things will always take the turn for the worse, when it comes to you.
Develop the habit of positive affirmations and grow a healthy mind.
Develop Yourself
Be informed or updated about various events, things…….. happening around you. Don’t stop learning. Take time to develop your aptitude. Go on a self improvement exercise. If you need increase your level of education, do so!!!
Whatever it is, MAKE SURE YOU SHOW SOME IMPROVEMENT.
Face Your Fears
Learn to confront your fears and take calculated risks responsibly.
Network with friends/family/colleagues…
Networking/Collaborating with other people may help in achieving your desired goal. Positive networks help to establish, motivate and strengthen you as an individual. Associate with people who are ready to encourage you when you need it, speak the truth, drag you away when erring and finally provide support for you all the way.
AVOID PEOPLE WHO DELIBERATELY BELITTLE/DEGRADE YOU EACH TIME THEY SET THEIR EYES ON YOU. They are not worth the trouble.
Build Your Self Confidence
Developing confidence in whom and what you are, is essential in overcoming inferiority complex.
Don’t get upset at constructive criticism
Learn to accept constructive criticism and feedback positively. It forms a learning curve, aids your self improvement and chances are you could be driven to success in various fields.
Manage Your Failures.
Learn to accept that failure is a phase everyone must go through. See them as golden opportunities to rewrite the scripts of success.
Finally;
Become Focused And Take Action
This is where I answer the second part of your question·
I mentioned earlier; inferiority complex could serve as a tool for creating realistic/reasonable goals.
In working towards your goal you need to become focused and take action.
Here are a few tips:
- It’s very important your goal is realistic and achievable within a certain time frames.
- Curb your distractions.
- Have a plan
- Think carefully.
- Learn to be accountable and act responsibly.
- Avoid procrastinating
- Be determined.
- Show consistency in what you do.
- Manage your time properly
On a final note, ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL WITH UNIQUE QUALITIES.
I look forward to your feedback, comments and suggestions.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Ayo, that’s a fantastic answer to Srinath’s question – one that I wish I had read years ago.
CAGED IN A COMPARISON-BASED SOCIETY?
One of the things that really resonated with me was the trap of making comparisons, implicit in Srinath’s question. In a society that relies on an economy driven by the need for you to buy/accumulate more stuff, it’s very tempting to compare yourself with those around you, especially in terms of possessions. Haves and have nots.
Surely, this is a trap that can only lead to pain.
We only get fleeting external snapshots of other people’s lives. Just yesterday I discovered that a colleague, who from all external appearances, had it all, who is now near-suicidal and needing heavy medication to cope with a dread of life.
To be content to walk our own path, without making comparisons about what we have and don’t have compared to others, is the path of peace and growth. But how do we do that? How do we stop making comparisons and move forward in a powerful way, whilst coexisting in a comparison-based/gimme more society?
Yes, Ayo, I would love to get your opinion and experience on those thoughts.
Celebrating life with you and those who read this blog.
Robin
Robin Dickinson´s last blog ..Seven easily missed truths about human relationships
The way this process is structured makes a lot of sense to me: first working on your inferiority complex, and then on your goals. I find it crucial to work on emotional aspects in general, before working on achieving something. Having them handled creates a constructive perspective on things, a window of opportunity which then allows us to identify and use the proper behaviors for achieving our goals.
I enjoyed this post,
Eduard
Ideas With A Kick´s last blog ..Forget achieving life balance and try this instead
What a great post. I think the key is to celebrate your strengths honestly. A lot of the time those of us who feel inferior also find ways to imagine we are superior. So we stay stuck. Better to recognize real strengths, understand real blocks, and move forward in an attitude of forgiveness.
LPC´s last blog ..A Luxury Coach To Ajanta And Ellora, India, 1982
Ayo, great post again. I found the combination of inferiority complex with wishing for superhuman capabilities and demanding too much from oneself to be a deadly combination for any real growth. It is necessary to find ones own strength and accept that as well as ones failures.
Some really good pointers here.
Patrick @ unwrapyourmind.com´s last blog ..UNWRAPPED: 5 Steps to Overcome Any Distraction
@ patrick: Thanks for your comment and feedback. I totally agree with the statement ‘It is necessary to find ones own strength and accept that as well as ones failures.’ I feel this answers the question robin raised earlier on.
@LPC: Thanks for the kind words. I think everyones feedback to this post is centered on recognising ones strengths. I also agree with you on people trying to find so many ways to imagine they are superior and believe me from experience THATS HARDWORK!!!!
@ Eduard: I am glad you enjoyed the post. There isnt any benefit chasing goals and dreams without first working hard to develop or manage ones emotions, attitude, character etc. (This may be controversial but i stand by it)
@Robin: Thanks for your kind words. You hit the nail on the head in your feedback. It’s so sad about the events happening to your colleague and I hope and pray he comes out of it with time, but these are things that happen everyday and as you mentioned we only get snapshots of other peoples lives.
Regarding my thoughts on making comparisons with other people(this is a hard one).
We cant stop making comparisons with other people, events and things. I think a line should be drawn when making comparisons. We need to ask: Do we get inspired to positive actions from making comparisons eg get challenged constructively, develop ideas, gain knowledge…………
On the other hand if our comparisons bring up wrong attitudes such as covetousness, greed, envy, inferiority complex then we’ve got to make a conscious effort not to get swallowed by wrong ideas and imaginations, rather begin to look at areas where we are comfortable, good at and find ourselves strong. This isnt easy at all because there is a lot of self discipline and awareness involved.
ayo´s last blog ..Ingredients For Happiness
SPLENDID ,its an excellent article. Each article of yours is a treasure house of knowledge and it boosts up my spirits. I feel u are doing a great job. Hope u continue to share your valuable suggestions with us.
Over my life I dealt a lot with low self esteem and inferiority complex. I’ve made a long and meaningful way to the place where I feel good with myself, I love myself, and I’m able to be myself with others. And yet, every now and then this old insecurity gets over me and I lose all that confidence I’ve slowly built. What I found useful is to acknowledge the circular motion of life. Like the waves, things come and go. And when I get, all of a sudden, completely insecure, that knowledge of things being temporary, helps me breath through it. I let myself feel whatever it is that washes me over, with the inner understanding that if I’ll let it be, this too will pass and make room for something new.
Good response. The ‘inferiority complex’ many of us have is interesting. I have quite a fear of social rejection – that is a big aspect of my ‘inferiority complex’.
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