Line BreakAuthor: Steven Aitchison (382 Articles)
The owner of this blog. Proud father, doting husband, blogger, hire me as freelance writer, and addiction worker
When you read the heading, how did it make you feel? did it make you feel anything? did you get angry? upset?
Believe it or not that’s how a lot of people feel, no matter what they achieve in life, they feel as if it’s never enough. They feel everything they have done ends in failure; their relationships, academia, work, fatherhood, motherhood etc they take it all and see it as a failure. I have dealt with clients so many times who have been able to rhyme off all their failures, and it seems to give them a sense of satisfaction at being able to list so many, that’s because they have gone over it so much in their heads.
I can empathize with the person who is suffering this, I have been there, we’ve all been there at some point, it might not have been as prolonged but we’ve still been there. The problem is when the person puts the blame on someone else, usually a failed marriage, a bad childhood, events that have happened in the past etc.
If you are one of these people, I really do know where you are coming from, but:
Now Is The Time To Take Responsibility
The time to start is now. It’s time to say, yes shitty things have happened to me, yes I had a shit childhood, yes I was bullied as a child. It’s great to own that, and say it happened to you, but it’s also time to let go.
Give yourself a break from analyzing the past, stop living there. Come back to the present and show everybody who you are today, not who you were yesterday. You are so much more than what happened to you. The very fact that you are with us today and reading this, whether you feel angry or not, makes your life a success. You’ve managed to come through the pain barrier, you’ve managed to stick two fingers up to the people who hurt you and say I’m still here, I’m still fighting on and you know what! I’m a success.
You’ve cried enough tears, you’ve felt the anger, the pain, the heart tugging so many times and you’ve almost given up on a few occasions, but you didn’t, you’re here, and here is a good place if you want it to be.
You might be mad with me just now for saying all this, and tell me I don’t understand what you’ve been through, believe me I do, but what I will never understand is how you feel about it, that’s a personal thing and I don’t want to feel your pain, that’s yours to own and believe it or not is a gift which will help you in the future. I would love for you to say ‘I have felt real pain, real anger, real emotions and real moments when my life was almost over, but I am still here’
Choose to feel different
Maybe it’s not quite the right time, but you have the choice to feel different about life. Take responsibility and know that you own your feelings, nobody else.
- When you know this, you will stop blaming others for feeling lousy.
- When you know this you can change the way you think.
- When you know this you can change your life.
Start the journey
How do you feel now? Angry? Mad? A sense of relief? Good, that’s what living in the now feels like, welcome back, it’s good to have you here.
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Very inspiring words, Steven. Thank you! When we hold on to the past, we are actually keeping it alive in us. The challenging events may have stopped long ago, but they are still here in our minds. And when we make the choice to let go of the hurtful story, we are free to live fully.
Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Life Lessons from Our Elders #3: Don’t Wait
Hi Gail, it’s so true what you have said. We have to let go of the past to be able to live freely.
Live in the present!! Woohoo! Great post!
Positively Present´s last blog ..being positive under pressure
thanks for the comments Dani, much appreciated
Hey Steven,
It’s so cool that you started with that title. So many times we find ourselves in “not so great” circumstances and instead of taking action and deliberating shoving those negative thought out of our minds, we allow them to fester up. I know for a fact that I choose to not allow negativity in my mind. I decide each and every day where I’m going.
Just this morning I looked at the scale. I thought I would have lost at least 1 pound this week with all of my efforts but I didn’t. I could let that deflate me but instead it’s encouraging me to work harder.
Great insights ( as usual)
All the best,
Eren
Eren Mckay´s last blog ..Computer practical jokes and humor on internet addiction
Thanks for your encouraging words Eren. Like you said it’s a choice and it amazes me how many people don’t see it that way, I know it can be tough sometimes, but it’s meant to be or we would be bored out of our minds if everything was easy
Your article touches on the pain people create for themselves when the live with harsh autobiographical stories, emphasizing trauma, diminishing triumph. This mindset is the opposite of a resiliency – the act of find moments of triumph even from the most challenging circumstances.
Consciousness gives us three gifts (according to Antonio Damasio, a famous neuroscientist): perspective, ownership and agency. To him, it would be the perspective to see ourselves apart from our stories, to recognize we created and own those story, and to understand we author each retelling of the story and can change its significance.
When I work with people like you do, I wish for them to be able to set aside the story and recognize this issue at hand is ‘you and your pain.’ Set aside the story, recognize the pain, and start the process of healing. The funny thing is that as the healing occurs, the stories change.
Cole Bitting last essay: ▲▼▲ Perspective: Objectify Yourself, Witness Life
Great response Cole, I like when you ask them to set aside the story. Once the healing begins the perspective on the story changes as well, that’s a great insight.
Steve,
I liked what you said about choosing to feel different. Our attitudes and feelings are much more within the relm of our control than many people may like to believe. It’s easier to blame your bad feelings on the things that make you feel bad, but in the end, you’re still the one doing the feeling.
Jonathan Frei´s last blog ..How to develop a healthy information diet
Hi Jonathan, thanks for stopping by. you’re right, you are still the one doing the feeling and it should be you feeling like doing, doing something to change.
One thing you touch on here has always surprised me – and that’s how easy it is to get stuck in all the bad things that happen (ranging from mildly unpleasant to downright terrible). Yet few people get stuck in the wonderful things that happen, and great things do happen to ALL of us. It seems that we often forget the 9 good things and just focus on the 1 bad thing. Strange.
Ian | Quantum Learning´s last blog ..A World Where Conflicts Are Solved Peacefully
Hi Ian, that insight made me laugh, it seems we are predisposed to focusing on the bad unless we make a conscious effort to do otherwise.
The past doesn’t really exist, if you think about it. The only thing that exists is right now.
I like to think of it this way: your entire life has been leading up to THIS moment, in the now. We have nothing else.
bretthimself´s last blog ..Revamping Reality, Part 3: Restructuring Goals
Brett, that’s a great perspective to have on the situation, I like that.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
It really is about what we choose to focus on and how we choose to frame those things we have experienced in life. We can choose to put ourselves in a bad frame of mind and continue the cycles of negativity, or as you clearly explained, choose to live life differently by getting control of what we focus on.
alternaview´s last blog ..Just Do You…BUT, Do it right.
Thanks for that Sybil. It’s difficult to control negativity but it shouldn’t be any harder than controlling positivity
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
Nice post Steven. I agree wholeheartedly. In fact when you get a chance take a look at this musical presentation I have put together for kids. It has a lot of the same sentiments you are saying. http://gallery.me.com/sctshep/100034. (It’s over an hour long. There are 15 pieces so you can jump around or look a little at a time). I’m getting ready to fly to Buffalo. It’s like 3:40 am. I am so glad that I checked my mail and saw that you are following me and now me, you. Don’t you love Robin Easton.
Here’s something though that I have been thinking about a lot lately about this whole issue maybe because I’m experiencing it more directly than before. It’s about being tired physically and how that impacts the whole business. I don’t mean “good” tired. In the past I’ve worked in substance abuse, with people struggling with AIDS, cancer, MS, all kinds of things. I worked with people who have lost loved ones, who have had children murdered. I’ve been there with a lot of people. I don’t say that as a bragging thing. I’ve just been in the middle of that. I like the cognitive approach when I’ve worked with people but I also like Carlos Castaneda and a sense of mystery.
As I get older and am still dealing with my own stuff, especially with the economy, I just noticed the tired thing more. It isn’t about not knowing this stuff, it’s about energy and focus and caring to do it. The response comments you have gotten on your post , which by the way I totally agree with, I think sometimes can come off cavalier. I guess I’m talking about tone, the way we come across as helpers. Even as we emphasize the cognitive, and I say all the time in my talks, “If you don’t change the way you think you won’t change the way you live,” we can’t forget the sense of caring for the struggle itself. I liked your tone immediately as I read the post. I’m probably rambling, it’s early, and I’m getting ready to leave. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Feel free to take a look at site when you can. Best to you.
Hi Scott, thanks so much for taking the time to write your comment I appreciate everything you have said. I have also checked out your site and found it really interesting and the fact that you are teaching kids early to use their minds is fantastic.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
That is right. The total leak of faith on own abilities and worth is something that should not become our new religion. Many people believe (not know: BELIEVE) that they are just no use to anybody. They feel sad and awful because they can’t cope with their own existence. I hope that some people with this problems will read that post and start to think about their live in other way. Sometimes it is difficult to see ourselves as a human beings, not just as consumers with no free will.
Hi William, I agree with your sentiments. Every single person in the world has something to offer, and I really mean that. We are all here to show each other waht we are worth.
Interesting headline I immediately wondered what you were on about as I know that your not the type of person to rub somebody’s face in their own insecurities. A very bold way to challenge us all to let go of those feelings.
Justin- AlittleBetter.net´s last blog ..Never Feel Like a Loser Again
Hi Justin, I didn’t know how this would be received but I thought my true feelings and my eagerness to help would come though. Thanks for reading it and letting us know your thoughts.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
Great post…and heading.
I think a lot of time we condemn ourselves because we feel we are not good enough. We do need to take responsibility for how we feel – and from the inside choose to feel good about all our successes no matter how big or small.
Just being here and existing is a miracle, blessing and wonderful joy.
Jai, you’re right, we don’t take responsibility and we really need to before we get to a point and think it’s too late. Thank you for staying a while to leave a comment.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
Great post Steven. Accepting one’s past is important in moving forward.
Karlil´s last blog ..Finding The Right Hobby
thanks Nik, I always appreciate your feedback.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
This is a wonderful tool for gaining perspective. I use it all the time and have taught several of my friends to use it.
I ask myself if someone said to me, “You are a failure.” how would I feel? I would feel indignant because it’s not true. So THEN I say to myself, if I wouldn’t let someone else say that to me, I do not need to say that to myself.
Fortunately I don’t feel this way anymore, but it was a useful tool when I was younger. Great post Stephen.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Five Perspectives on Death
Robin, it’s great that you are so self aware and what’s even better is that you are teaching others to be as self aware as you. I always look forward to your responses as I know you will have some valuable input. Thanks for being here and thanks for being you.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..You Are a Failure – A Letter To You
Great title Steve. For some reason I have never felt like a failure, even when I didn’t produce the results I wanted. This was true even as a child and I think my parents had a lot to do with that. They wisely assured us kids that we could do anything we set our minds to, and that setbacks were not failures.
It wasn’t until I became an adult that I started to appreciate what an advantage it was to grow up in such a supportive setting. You make some excellent points in this article, and I am glad you started with taking responsibility. That really is the key.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..15 Funny Reasons Not to Take Him Shopping
Jonathan, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you said your parents had a lot to do with the way you felt. I feel that my generation, in Scotland, we didn’t really get that type of support. We were loved dearly, but mind stuff wasn’t really taught or known about so we had to learn the hard way.
Steve, I don’t think it is a regional thing. Sadly, most children are never given that type of support. As I got older and more aware of family dynamics, I realized that parents like mine were a rare exception. I am so grateful for that gift, and the fact that my mom was self-taught nutritionist. Having been adopted at birth, I really count my blessings.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..15 Funny Reasons Not to Take Him Shopping
Thanks for sharing that Jonathan. I think you are right that they were a rare exception, even today I think it would be rare to have parents as nurturing of the mind as yours.
Oh God Steven…i cant get over the title…it just stopped me in my step
This was serious shock therapy for me
I learned to live in the NOW the year my Daddy passed away. He was so young and vibrant…we could never have imagined such a fate on him. BUt when it happened something inside me just broke..i couldnt react to his death for weeks, out of utter shock. But when i did, and I cried and I cried, It came to me that I dont think anyone ever knows till when he or she is going to grace this beautiful earth. Why not live in this very moment..and make the most of it. I know my dad loved life and enjoyed every moment….I will too. Thus began my journey into living ONE day at a time, cherishing every moment.
We all truly truly need to get over our past and look forward. Not just for the sake of getting better mentally but for having more happier and more productive lives.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Strength, Courage and Wisdom
Ah Good, it got the response I was looking for
It sounds like you learned NOW the hard way and it’s a real shame that you father passed on. You have learned a hug life lesson and you are teaching others the same lesson without going through what you went through and that is fantastic.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Zeenat, I always appreciate your visits here.
I love this post Steven. If we learn to see our feelings as just feelings that come and go, we’ll see that behind those feelings is our True Self and that True Self can be happy no matter what feelings you have. It is also much easier to choose positive feelings once you can see your True Self separate from them.
Lana´s last blog ..Relationships Advice – Other People Are Just Mirror Images Of You
Thanks Lana. It is always easier to choose positivity when we know our true selves and getting to our true selves is the best journey in the world to take.
Ouch… That was my reaction when I read the title of your piece. I totally agree with all the things you said though. Everybody goes through failure. But it’s all about your mindset if you want to actually feel like a failure or if you want to feel different. Thanks for this eye-opener! I’ll start taking responsibility now and LIVE MORE!
Nikka´s last blog ..The Youth and Financial Literacy
Hi Nikka, glad it stopped you in your tracks a bit and hope it helps for the future.
I absolutely agree with you Steven. I’ve been in the phase when I tried to blame circumstances and others for failures or problems in my life but very soon I realized that it was not a successful strategy. You can’t get out of the failure mindset until you realize that you are responsible for everything that is going on in your life.
Another saying that I always remember when I feel overwhelmed and stressed out is “You are never given more than you can endure.” It helps me every time and makes me responsible for every decision that I make in life.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..Simple Approach to Technology
Hi Anastasiya, that is a great way to keep you focused in the here and now. Thanks for sharing that.
Hi Steven, I couldn’t agree more that we have a choice in regarding ourselves as a success or a failure. I believe that every one of us has talents and at least a few accomplishments to be proud of. Even if they fall short of expectations, it’s still important to focus on what’s positive and not dwell on the negative.
Vin – NaturalBias´s last blog ..A Great Source of Natural Probiotics
Thanks Vin. I really believe that attitude you talk about is why so many people succeed in life, because they decide to focus on the positive.
Here’s a little quote I really like by Zig Ziglar: “Failure is an event, not a person.”
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..15 Funny Reasons Not to Take Him Shopping
That’s great Jonathan
Totally and undeniable true. I can relate to everything you wrote, Steven. I’ve been through failures in my life, as every other person, and I had those feelings of helplessness and anger.
Now it’s time to move on. To do something. It will attract another failure? So be it. I’ll get up and run again.
You are inspiring
Dragos Roua´s last blog ..How To Escape The Internet Jungle In 5 Small Steps
This was great Steven. We’ve all had good and bad things to happen in our lives. But it feels crappy to focus on the bad things…..so why do it? I love the idea of living in the now, eliminating blame and stopping the negative self talk. Great post!
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..How to Trust Again: 7 Steps to Overcome Betrayal
Like the other commenters, I find this to be great advice. Live in the now and take responsibility for yourself and your actions. I do my best to live in this manner. Sometimes life can get you down (or you can get yourself down) and it takes a real consious effort to turn it around and get back to a positive outlook. I throw myself an occasional pitty party, but quickly make an effort to turn it around and look at the bright side.
Eric´s last blog ..Vacation Rage – Nine ways to reduce theme park stress
Steven, what you said really struck me: “I’m still here, I’m still fighting on and you know what! I’m a success.” For people over-focused on their past, this is a great reminder to say: “I’m here NOW. I’m OK. I made it this far and the only way is up!”
The next question is: “Right, where do we go from here?”
Well done.
Hi Steven, just want to say thanks for the article, im a failure, A letter to you because it really did feel like a letter to me, ive had such a lot of problems with my teenage son recently i was beggining to feel like a failure as a mum, ive been trying so hard to get him to take responsibilty for things happening in his life , yet by calling myself a failure im not really taking responsibility of my own, everything you wrote i could relate too and i only ever seem to remember the negative and forget the positive, thinking that way is natural to me now and feels right, where thinking positive things feels more alian and less believable. I really felt you had wrote it from the heart and it felt believable to me coming from someone who has experianced feeling that way, even though like you say everyones experience is different, which is good, as thats how we learn different coping mechenisems. Thanks Steven for expressing your thoughts so sincerely.