How to make true friends - Part 1 - Know Yourself

March 16th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

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Making friends is not easy for a lot of people, and for some the thought of speaking to others is terrifying. This can be debilitating in your life and if you’re the self conscious type it makes it even worse. You might worry about what people think of you, you might be thinking about saying the right thing too much, rather than being yourself and engaging in authentic conversation.

Many people suffer from self consciousness and the need to impress, and it shows. It’s easy for people to say: ‘relax, just be yourself’ that’s no good when you don’t really know who you are as you’re trying to impress too many different kinds of people.

I was self conscious around very intelligent people, but I got over it once I realised I was intelligent enough to speak to intelligent people, how intelligent is that!!

Know yourself

You can’t make friends with people until you know what type of people you want to like. To know what type of person you want to like you have to know yourself first.

How on earth do you begin to know yourself?

Write yourself down on a piece of paper, seriously.

On a sheet of paper get to know yourself by asking yourself questions, for example:

What type of films do you like?
What type of books do you like to read?
What sports do you like?
What are your hobbies?
Who do you like to spend time with?
What are your best personality traits?
What are your worst personality traits?
What are your goals?
What are your values?
What are your principles

By asking yourself lots of questions, you will begin to understand what makes you tick. When you know this you begin to see how you will live your life and then it will become clear what type of friends you want in your life. You have to know your own values and principles before you befriend other people.

Values and principles

If you don’t really know yourself you will befriend some people and maybe later on you will wonder why you ever befriended that person, it’s because they are not aligned to your true values and principles.

So, sit down with a good cup of tea, or whatever is your want, and make a date with yourself. Getting to know you, may sound ridiculous but you may be surprised how much you will find out about yourself.

Looking at your friends

Once you have found out what your true values and principles are, it’s time to look at your friends and find out if you really want to stay friends.

I remember having some friends in my teens. When I realised I wasn’t aligned to their values and principles and they were not aligned to mine, I decided to split from them. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make but it changed the course of my life.

Aligning yourself to the right people, and by that I mean the right people for you, you will become comfortable with yourself and you will start to feel confident and secure in your environment.

Once you are secure you can then start to move a little outside your comfort zone and stretch yourself. For example, if one of your values is to be a positive person, it will be natural to want to be around positive people. If you have been around negative people a lot, it might be out of your comfort zone to try and befriend positive people. However you will eventually do this, as you will be more secure and confident within yourself and know what you really want in life.

I hope you have found part 1 useful. If you have any questions or comments please let me know.

Read Part 2 of this series - The Pride of Loneliness

There Are 26 Responses So Far. »

Comment by jWells - Advanced Life Skills on 16 March 2008:

“Know yourself” – what great advise. Very few people take the time to actually figure out who they are. Identifying our personal values and principles outside of the influence of others, I believe, is the first vital step on the path of personal development.

Comment by Albert | UrbanMonk.Net on 16 March 2008:

Agreed with jWells, this is awesome. Very few people say know yourself, but without it we are lost. It’s like selling a product we don’t even know.

Comment by Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters on 17 March 2008:

Getting to know ourselves is not easy. The mind likes to chatter on about outside events. We worry about what people think of us instead of enjoying who we are. I know that I’ve struggled getting to know myself, but the more I do the more I enjoy my life.

Great post!

Comment by Phil the Plumbing Expert on 17 March 2008:

I think that’s one of the reasons why some people are not happy with their lives because they don’t know what they want it’s because they don’t know their self well. “Dance like nobody’s watching”.

Comment by Lorraine Cohen on 17 March 2008:

Amen to saying how important it is to know yourself Steve

I’m a broken record on that subject! You’re so right in pointing out how important values are. I also encourage folks to put language to their values - really define them rather than just put down words. This process really helps people gain greater clarity on what they stand for.

Many thanks for the link back to my article - What Makes You Lovable, Wonderfull, Fabulous…?

Have a terrififc day

Cheers,

Lorraine
http://www.powerfull-living.biz

Comment by Alex Shalman on 17 March 2008:

Great series Steven. I think it is of most importance to know what your values are, because like you said you’re going to find someone that’s completely not right for you.

I sometimes introduce myself in terms of possibilities instead of hobbies, accomplishments, career, or location. =)

Comment by Jenny on 17 March 2008:

this is definitely something I could use seeing as i have no friends at all.

Comment by Dan O'Neil on 18 March 2008:

This is a great idea - it couples with so many other things that you have to get right in yourself before you can attract all the things you want in your life. One of the key ones for me was to learn to love myself before I could truly love another. It takes commitment, but the results are life changing.

Thanks Steve

Comment by Shane Russell on 18 March 2008:

All very nice. Know yourself. But dont think that people you believe are your friends will share your values or principles. You only find out where their depth is when the going gets tough. Trust your instincts!

Comment by cribcat on 18 March 2008:

You need to realize that You are perfect. There is nothing wrong with You. Others are perfect too. When You finally get that, the game is on. Your life is great, see the great things in Your life. celebrate today! Tomorrow may bring rain but it can’t rain forever.

Comment by Brad Baggett on 20 March 2008:

As my tagline says, “If you don’t believe in yourself, who will?” It is essential to know yourself in order to create valued and meaningful relationships. Your article is great and really gets to the point. Great suggestions, this will definitely be a great series to keep up with!

http://www.JuiceofChampions.com

Comment by Dean - Law of Attraction for Beginners on 21 March 2008:

Hi Steven,

Thank you for this article. It’s good thoughts on how to get to know oneself. I find quiet times for introspection whether meditation, a hot bath or a simple walk around the neighborhood are also great ways to get to know oneself.

I also think it’s important to enjoy oneself, to be your own friend. It may sound cliche but the best way to have friends is to be a friend and you better be a friend with yourself. After all, you are the one person you do HAVE to live with all the time.

Have a great day.

Comment by spostareduro on 2 April 2008:

This couldn’t have come at a more opportune time for me. Really. I’ve found myself getting a much closer look inside of ME to figure out what is most important and I have found that there has been a need for ‘weeding out’ relationships that are not fitting. Getting to know myself better has helped me make needed changes in that department. What are my priorities? Standards? Goals? Do my so-called friends enhance positive change for me? Do they hinder my progress?

Thanks.

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Comment by priyanka on 1 May 2008:

Hey can you tell me how to get rid of the self-consciousness.
I suffer from it and it really affects my behaviour with others and makes it difficult to be myself.

Comment by miss on 5 May 2008:

I used to be at ease with who I am, and never worried about what people would think of me, when I was speaking to them, now I find myself questioning everything I say to people, which make’s it hard for me to have eye contact, does anyone know what I can do, to make this better.

Thankyou

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Comment by kathy on 16 August 2008:

I have found that I know myself very well-and have always been a deep person-my problem is getting other people to want to know me and participate in my life. I am very active in other people’s life and in getting to know them and always giving to them first of generousity in spirit and material. But it is not reciprocated. I’m getting bitter and angry about it now that I am in my 50’s and want more qualitative reciprocative relationships. Even with friends who have similar values–it seems I’ve trained them well to take and not worry about giving back. I have one friend who does give back and want more friends like her-she is the person who has shown me that a mature relationship is giving and receiving amongst people who share the same values and ideals. I am utterly disgusted with my other friends but know they are just unaware. Any suggestions on how to develop more of what I want?

Comment by okenwa on 22 August 2008:

i’m a crusader of mind development and will always be. I’ve come to understand that lack of self confidence is nrmally seen among our students and if such will be eradicated, we must start preaching of ones ATTITUDE. Attitude have a lot of thing to do in mind development. If u can sum the word attitude with alphabetical numbering, it will amount to 100%

Comment by saper on 8 September 2008:

Its all true I guess
Principles as well as personal honor and integrity can be best seen as insurance along the byways and pathways of life in both our personal lives , our interactions and personal as well as business dealings

Comment by rexliter on 16 September 2008:

so i really wants to befriend with this person in my school but we barely know each other —- i got a bunch of friends and he got a bunch of friends so i really don’t know how to take the first step of becoming friend with him and his friends…help me….

Comment by virtual office services on 24 September 2008:

Thanks for sharing.I think you just need to believe in yourself. You need to realize that You are who you are.. There is nothing wrong with You. Others are perfect too. When You finally get that, the game is on. Your life is great, see the great things in Your life. celebrate today! Tomorrow may bring rain but it can’t rain forever .Seconded cribcat..