Author: Steven Aitchison (433 Articles)
I am the owner of this blog and write about personal development with my passions being belief formation, thoughts, perceptions and emotions. You can get my FREE video course to help Change Your Life at www.AlterYourJacket.com
A lot of people cannot handle confrontation and start to shake, they lose control of their voice pitch, and they want to hit out and cannot control their thoughts properly. It can be frustrating when someone is putting us down and you can’t argue back as you have got a touch of confrontation jitters. This is the ‘flight or fight’ syndrome kicking in and it pumps adrenaline throughout your body in readiness to kick someone’s arse or in readiness to run away from someone you think might kick your arse. It is your body getting prepared.
Here are seven tips to deal with confrontation:
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Take a deep breath just before the confrontation or during it if necessary. This lowers your heartbeat and blood pressure.
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Breathe a little slower, again this lowers your heartbeat and lowers the amount of adrenaline running through your body.
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Take 5 minutes, if you can, and quickly rehearse what you are going to say to someone. Make key points of your argument.
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Get to know what triggers your anger and prepare a new response to that trigger. By doing this you are aware of the buttons people can push to elicit a certain response. When you know your own triggers it less likely that someone can push the buttons as you are prepared.
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Make the person aware of how confrontational they are being. Saying something like ‘why are you shouting at me?’, ‘Why are you being so aggressive’. This turns the energy back on the person and lets them look at themselves for a minute, this might calm them down as a lot of people get lost in the moment and don’t realise they are being aggressive.
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Another way is to turn all the attention back on the person you are arguing with. ‘You seem really angry about that!’; ‘You look as if you’re really pissed off?’ Again this can have the same affect of point 5.
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Don’t get sucked into their arguments. The purpose of an argument is to manipulate you into losing the argument thereby showing the other person they have won and they are superior. If you don’t get sucked
in there is no argument to win, and you come out looking the better person.
There was an incident a few weeks ago just outside my house. I had driven past someone who stayed in our estate and he was walking his dog. He was on the pavement when I drove past and I went through a puddle and soaked his dog. I pulled into the driveway as normal when I heard this guy shouting on me, he walked aggressively down to me and I prepared myself for a confrontation as I hadn’t a clue what had happened I just knew by the way he was walking
he wanted a fight. The conversation went like this
‘You ****ing soaked my dog’, I looked at his dog and suddenly realised I must have went through a puddle. Inside I laughed at the absurdity of this man looking for a fight because some water had gone over his dog. I said
‘Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realise.’ He didn’t hear me.
‘You F***ing did soak him, you went through a puddle and soaked him.’
‘I said, apologies for soaking your dog I didn’t realise’ repeating what I had said before. His demeanour changed.
‘Well you did and I’m pissed off!’
‘I can see you’re pissed off, but it was an accident’. He started walking away.
‘I’m sorry I was so angry, it’s just it happened last night as well with somebody else.’
‘It’s okay, I understand. See you later.’
I laughed again at the strangeness of someone wanting to fight over a dog getting wet. The strange thing was he was walking his dog in the rain. This shows that different things annoy different people, but it’s easy to deal with their behaviour if you point out how they are behaving.
If all else fails, the nose is a good place to hit first which can temporarily blind them with tears.
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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Stephen,
One thing that has worked wonders for me lately is this simple phrase:
Maybe you’re right
My ego hates saying it. But it has reduced the stress in my life dramatically.
Great post, I simply don’t get sucked into confrontations, my ego is put in check by my need for peace of mind and lack of an urgent need to justify anything to anyone, I simply let it go, and 90% of the time I am right any way.
Cheers
Tabs
confrontions stink
I’m a trembler- all someone has to do is start with that ‘voice’ and I begin to tremble and get ready for a fight- Then I play the event over and over in my head wondering if I could have done something different. I always wish I could have been bigger then them and really kept my cool and acted more zen about it. I think it’ll take a lot of growing before I get there. I hate that I give other people that much power over me ! I feel a vodka tonic coming on!
Lol, I’m exactly the same…think about what was said and how i should of acted differantly….i know it as my weakness, and it really does drag me down. The thing that i’m trying to instill in myself is basically confidence, one thing my cousin said is to do self defence and get good at it….then your ontop in every confrontation as you know if it has to go to the highest level of self defence then you can dominate and protect yourself, then apparantly it takes away all stress and fear…..and it’s true, you never see a Marine or a black belt trembling and being to passive in a confrontataion…..hope this helps
The best fight is the one not fought, especially over someone wanting to fight over a wet dog.
A calm demeanor and simple apology go a long, long way to diffusing conflict.
The problem I face is that the agressor is a family member. I am terrified to speak to this person (not because of violence but because of the way they make me feel). I am stuck with having a relationship with this person. They are annoyed with me for not talking about my feelings – but the reason I can’t do this is because I do not trust them. But I’m too scared to tell them this. They are very confrontational and tease me regularly – but if I try to say I find it upsetting I’m told not to be a wimp. Maybe I am a wimp, but I’d prefer that to being angry. I don’t know how to deal with it.
Hi Amy,
First time veiwer/reading. My situation is very similiar to yours.
I hope you have made some personal progress since you shared your story.
We have a family member like you.
Our family member has been fighting/bullying the for the last twenty
years. It is now impacting the next generation in our family. No one “current” family member will confront this bully. My anxieties/fear is our
children are now the target. Nasty,rude, and condescending remarks
are directed at them. I feel I need to be an adovocate for my children
I need to teach them and show them how to deal/handle people like this.
I am their first teacher. Need help/guidance.
D
i
Just tell them like my Mom use to tell people all the time. “If you can’t say something nice please don’t say anything.”
My self, I may be open to discussion on a subject but, my judge is in Heaven.
Tell them the truth,That you don’t trust them to open up to them with your feelings and that maybe one day that could change but,not today. Also tell them you don’t wish to discuss it right now and you will tell them when your ready to open up .
Hi Amy, thanks for being so open about this. What you are experiencing is called ‘Bullying’. As this is a family member it will be hard to deal with however the best piece of advice i could give would be to avoid contact with the family member. If you feel up to it I would let them know why you are not going to be at events where they are there, and why you are removing yourself from their life. If you are not up to it I would try and discreetly avoid being there when the bully is there. This will eventually be noticed but it will help your situation in the short term. Hope this helps Amy.
hey guys i just searched “dealing with confrontation” on google, and this came up. i just got back from work, and i am so frustrated. basically im only a teenager, and this women, shes twice my age, but she acts really aggressive, and if i dont do something right, she will talk to other people about me, right in front of me sometimes, and this will be humiliating for me, and can ruin my work relations with other colleague’s… but i just cant say anything to her. i usually just piss her off more by purpose, and dont say anything… but when i get home i feel so angry at myself for not sticking up for my self. arggghhhhh pisses me off so much… i need a back bone…
Confrontations are my worst nightmares. If some comes to me and starts shouting and being very aggressive towards me I start to tremble and even cry to the point that I can’t control myself anymore.
I google “dealing with confrontations” and I got this site. Now I want to let it all out and see if there is anyone else out there that feels and gets the same way I get. What do you do to make yourself feel better. Just this morning I had the worst confrontation with one of the mom’s in my son’s swim team.
The team were having an event, I called this mom just to ask for some info. I need it to know at what time this event was being held and I happen to call this particular mom and she offered to take mom son with her so I could stay with my daughter. I made sure to let her know that she was being so kind and helpful but giving my son a ride to this place. At the place where we met, their were other kids who were going which included my son’s good friend, my son found out that his good friend is going with some else. So, my son got sad and asked me that he liked to go with his good friend instead. I explained to my son that we had already arrange for him to go this mom and her son. Her son found out that my son did not want to go with him and he left with the other group.
I was left there not knowing how to explain to this mom that my son did not want to go with them.
I said a little prayer in my mind hoping that this mom would understand. But OH MY GOD! She was PISSED OFF! She started going off on me saying that how could I let my son hurt her son’s feeling because he was left all by himself with no friends. This mom was literally yelling at me pointing her finger at me saying that I did not care about her sons feeling. Did not give me a chance to apologize that my son decided to go with the other group instead. I felt horrible inside yet this lady kept accusing me. I manage to get some words out in order to fix this whole ordeal, I suggested to her to let her son get a ride with the other group so he could also be with the other friend. But no, she was so angry about all this that did not want to listen to anything that I said. I felt that she was being very aggressive very unreasonable. What do you guys think about this? Any suggestions as what I should do or say to her, because she said she would come to me later to talk about this. Please say prayers for me. Thanks for hearing me out.
Dear Rallison,
I just had a very similar experience today with my neighbor. She sent her son over to give back an old jewelry box that I gave her awhile back and along with it, a very STRONG worded note, telling me “to stay the F*** out of my house, stay the F*** away from me”, warning and then threatening that she would kick my a**, and, “oh, yeah, F*** YOU”, and “snake around your own F*****’ yard”….
I went over and knocked on her door (Didn’t POUND on it or anything like that). I have no qualms about addressing this ridiculous accusation because I was never “snaking around” in her yard to begin with.
Well, whoever was in there refusing to answer the door (I’m assuming it was her) peeked out the curtain but I saw the curtain move out of the corner of my eye, so I knocked a few more times, to no avail.
I ended up walking away thinking to myself how can someone be so tough and threatening in a letter, but then be the total opposite when approached about it.
Anyway, I went back home and wrote her an email telling her those were some pretty STRONG freakin’ words in that nasty note that she sent me.I stated,” LET’S GET IT STRAIGHT: I don’t occupy my time by “snaking aound” in people’s yards. You’re either letting your imagination run away with you, OR somebody’s giving you a line of bull****. I don’t know. Maybe both. ”
I ended the letter by telling her that if she wanted to discuss this obvious misunderstanding, like two reasonable adults,then by all means, let’s. But if not, then I guessed it would be her perogative if she wanted to keep acting like she had bats in the belfry.
There is only so much that you can say to someone in that kind of mental state. I mean, you can’t reason with a crazy person, because they’re not thinking rationably to begin with. It’s as simple as that.
I can understand how you felt, being made to feel like some terrible lowlife who just committed a cardinal sin against this woman’s poor, dear, lonely, sweet child. When the fact of the matter is, YOU AREN’T AND YOU DIDN’T. And on top of that, do you feel like, even though you’ve got absolutely no reason to, but you feel the need to walk on eggshells whenever you cross paths with this individual? And there’s no resolution because they’ve already jumped to their own conclusions, without even giving you a chance defend yourself?
The only thing I can tell you, that I have found is a worthwhile piece of advice is this: sometimes you’ve got to let things roll off your back like water off a duck. (My dear old Dad told me that) . When the person you’re trying to reason with is just too stubborn to deal with on any level, it’s time to wash your hands of them; they’ve already got issues that have nothing to do with you–you just happened to inadvertantly trigger a raw nerve in them that placed you in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they took it out on you.
Eleanor Roosavelt said some words to this effect: The only time someone can MAKE you feel inferior, is when you LET them.
I hope this letter helps.
Sincerely,
Winnie
Hey to those of you dealing with confrontations….
It’s something I haven’t had to deal with until recently. It involved moving house with housemates – Eeesh. In the couple confrontations that arose I found myself very calm. Let the other party know you understand where they coming from. Really listen to them. Whatever you do – DON’T get defensive – it get’s you nowhere and the other person will not be interested in listening to you defend yourself. If you are not able to come up with a conclusion go away and think about it and have a conversation with them next time, if that’s possible. Otherwise you end up having conversations with them in your mind, and that is an energy waster when you could be focusing on happier moments. Good luck to you all out there.
Hi, I like most of you HATE confrontation, I always end up lashing out, getting too personal, name calling, and basically going off on one!! Yet after it I always just beat myself up and feel guilty that i never dealt with it in an adult manner.
Any advice?
Sometimes I just listen to what they are saying and just reply “Damn” and walk away. Just letting them deal with it. It seems to be their problem not mine.
hi,i think deep down we all hate confrontations. I am one of those people who when confronted doesn,t always give the the right answers as the adrenaline is too much. i,m sure you all know the feelings. I am a caring and thought full person always looking out for others. because of my nature and perhaps how i look many people take advantage of that. over the years i have began to realise i am not the one with the problem. think about it. when approached with an aggresive situation verbal or physical who has the problem? well its not you because your not being aggresive. aggresive people are over grown bullies who try to control the situation. they have the issue not you so dont rise the situation thats what they want. one thing that makes my blood boil is how people talk to you. if there approach is correct and the body language is right i,m normally ok.
slowly i,m learning to deal with people better. its still hard but i.m fed of being a walk over. “calm and a deep breath is a good start”. learning how to choose your words is more powerful than any physical fight. best of luck to you all
Hi, I’ve found reading all these comments useful – rallison I hope you managed to sort your situation out. What I find difficult is trying not to let myself be utterly devastated (!) by someone I care about having a go at me – to me it feels like an attack. I’m quite an open person, and don’t like to treat others badly, and I guess I expect that from other people. I also really care what they think of me and like people to be happy with me if possible. I’m probably a bit too much of an open book. I think I need to develop some kind of buffer or be able to put a protective wall up when someone has a go – does anyone have any tips for not allowing yourself to be hurt when it’s someone you care about (& should care about you)??
Hi Jackie,
I feel exactly the same way, especially when dealing with confrontation.
I am really suprised that other people are able to so openly become aggressive with others, especially with people that they do not know personally.
I do not deal with confrontation in the same manner, in a sense I personalize and internalize everything that somebody says to me when I am faced with a confrontational situation and generally I simply shut off and just listen, often not defending myself or my actions. Which leads to later scrutiny of what was said, and almost always “how I didn’t effectively deal with confrontation”. I think there is a lot of self doubt in regard to that.
I enjoyed reading the original post, but can see myself not being calm enough in a situation to follow the seven steps specified. Especially taking a deep breath, when somebody is screaming at me. Usually I get butterflies, my palms get sweaty and I feel remarkably agitated.
Confrontation is such a huge “brick wall” for me.
Right now I am trying to decide between doing more study or working, because I have social anxiety and of course being afraid of confrontation does not help at all!
Everybody’s post’s are helpful for me, because they are so personal. I relate better when people have personal experiences of how they were faced with a confrontation, remained calm, defused the situation and lived to see another day! I hope one day I am able to do the same.
Thanks everyone:)
i have a issue with people using my name wether in a confrontational way or not
for example
janina!!! where are the other photos?
i know what my name is, you dont need to start txts with it.
i think ive allways had a thing about being put on the spot i feel belittled and five agian please tell me there are others out there like me
please email me
kandy_floss_kisses@hotmail.com
hi i have had trouble with confrontation for a few years i dont like fighting but i imagine my self fighting, but when it comes to it my adrenilin takes over and i loose my bottle, why am i getting that? i was walking back from my girlfriends today in a bad mood when i walked past two guys that i had confrontations with before, when i walked past them they stared me out i called them a dick head and told them to fuck off one of them walked behind me calling me things like your a pussy your getting mugged off by a 17 year old, i didnt run or confront him just said im walking, and carried on walking at normal pace, have i lost face? should i off confronted him? should i fight? i feel angry at my self, what should i have done? i feel im a 25 yr old man and im not going to lower my level to fighting with a 17 yr old, but i feel weak and wish id done somthing!! please give me some advice
I probably would not have looked at them or said anything, just kept walking–I think that would be the best way to handle it as it doesn’t provoke. What you did was quite aggressive. I would not call you a wimp at all. You are lucky you didn’t get attacked. You acted bravely. It’s great that you didn’t fight. No, you should not fight, just ignore them. You got some insults in and I bet you intimidated them–I think you showed strength.
Hi recently I have been subject to confrontation by the caretaker of the building I work in. The latest event was last night at a meeting called to build on the partnership we have with other users of the building. The caretaker started shouting saying I had agreed to pay for something and making me look stupid. I felt dreadful my heart started pumping faster and faster i went very red and my throat went very sticky. He was so agressive I tried to explain that I have no recollection of any conversation with him and that it was not my role to agree anything so it was unlikely that i would of done. It made him worse and now I don’t want to go to work incase he turns up and starts shouting at me again. The other times he has done this has been in front of children, which is awful because I can’t even reply in case he becomes any more aggressive. I love my job but he has started to make me feel so uncomfortable and intimidated.
i’ve had to contend with a lot of loss….deaths; marriage; lost custody of my 6 yr old daughter; jobs; self-esteem; confidence. i fel very insecure. my daughter was because i was afraid to stand up to my abusive husband and abusive solicitor. it’s been like this all my life. i’m a christian..not a door mat. ya know? i’m not even allowed to show my feelings about all this. apparently i don’t have the rights others do. i’m really angry about it all. there have been times i’ve wanted to go all out and have equal revenge. i need my feelings validated by other people so i can feel okay. no-one who matters understands and i can’t ever be myself. i have to control my emotions ALL the time. it’s not good for me and i have NO outlet. can you help me please? can i come here to vent my emotions, good and bad, and be validated and appeased?
Carol don’t have time to say much but these two points.
*Learn to be more assertive, there are some good websites on it.
*Being Christian does not mean that you have to be ‘nice’. There is a misconception in the world today that the only way to be charitable is to be the nice guy! As a Catholic it is expected of me to stand up for my beliefs until death – we are not ‘nice’, people need to hear the truth sometimes, the truth is charity, the truth with tact anyway. Jesus was not some pussy hippie like most christian sects portray Him as today! He was not aggressive, he was kind with a heart but assertive. He was a man! However obviously we as mere humans will encounter difficulties such that you have, we can only learn how to deal with them better.
Life sounds tough for you right now, hang in there I will say a prayer for you, God Bless.
HI,
I was involved in an incident today at the store. Going to look at suits, so was she but I didn’t realize that at first. It looked to me like she was waiting for me to move so I was trying to be polite and I told her that I was going right there (meaning I had walked up to the section that I wanted to look in and wasn’t just passing through the aisle). I was really shocked by the way that she responded. She raised her voice and started saying that I had told her to move and who did I think I was, and I tried at least five or six times to tell her that no, I hadn’t told her to move, that I was trying to be polite, that she had taken it wrong, that I was just there to look at suits for my husband and she kept telling me that I was not polite. So then she said, fine we’ll both just stay like this all day, and I said fine with me, I was right where I wanted to be (evidently I was right where SHE wanted to be and I guess that was the whole problem). I continued looking at the suits and put a couple in my cart and evidently she was still fuming because then she started making comments to her male companion, that I didn’t know who I started with and that I didn’t know who I was messing with to which I responded yet again that I was only trying to be polite (which I was). She went on and on about me not knowing who I was messing with and then she made a comment to her male friend that the devil was out today and then either she or he said something to the effect of as long as she didn’t pull my hair out and that’s when I really started to feel threatened, the situation felt like it was escalating and I decided that I needed to call my husband. I took my phone out and she (or he I really just couldn’t distinguish between the two of them talking at that point) said oh look, now she’s going to call someone, and I dialed and the two of them must have continued to yell at me because when my husband answered the phone he must have heard them yelling because he asked me if I was alright and if I wanted him to come where I was and did I want him to call the police before I even had a chance to say hello to him. I told him that yes, I wanted him to come there, and maybe calling the police would be a good idea and then she said that there was no need to call the police, that she was officer (last name) and that there was no need to call them, that they all knew her. I told my husband to call them please. By this time one of the store clerks had come back to see what was going on and she was still yelling, telling her that I had told her to move and I don’t even remember what all else. By this time I felt threatened, I didn’t want to get beat up by this woman and her companion (and how ridiculous to have to worry about that) and I told the clerk that the police were on the way. The clerk had her manager come back and the police must have called the store because she stood there on the phone and said, no there’s no need for you to come here, you don’t need to come here (possibly the manager and this woman were friends), so I called 911 and told them that my husband had called them and that they certainly did need to come there, that I was scared, that I was in fear for my safety and that I felt threatened.
I just can’t believe that this all happened. Turns out this woman is a probation or parole officer in town (I don’t remember which). The officer told me where she worked out of and did I want to contact her supervisor. I really don’t want to get this woman in trouble, either she was just having a bad day or she’s always confrontational like that, but either way, I almost feel sorry for her, from my perspective it sure must suck to be her. So do you think it would be a good idea to follow through with her supervisor? I’m not sure what outcome I would expect or even want, but I felt unsafe and shouldn’t have to feel threatened when I’m just out having a nice time shopping.
Thanks
Hi,
I would like to add my experience for what it is worth. I work in construction and take confrontational situations as a daily occurance – sometimes Im the one trying to wind them up and more than often, vice versa. One thing I have learned is that the person who loses their cool, has lost. Often one can be shouting back and forth, because this may be the only method of communication the person understands, but that doesn’t mean that I lose my cool, because outside of losing control of your thoughts, it can be very physically draining. One key thing is your state of mind going into it, a second is knowing what outcome you want coming out of it, and a third is what you say to yourself during it. Its not life or death either way, but I sometimes think of a line I once saw from a jewish concentration camp prisoner where perhaps this was more applicable, and where dominance and control are intentional motives, who used to tell himself that no matter how bad the beating, one thing they could never change was his attitude. I don’t always get it right, but I reckon that what doesn’t kill me, shall make me stronger. Hope this helps.
Hi,
I’ve just had a confrontation of my own. I’m usually a fairly relaxed person, and get on well with everyone i know. Today i was in the lab (PhD student) and i noticed someone in the post grad room that i have never seen before. I’m in the lab and post-grad room everyday for most of the day and i had never seen this person before. the room was pretty empty, it being a saturday, so he really stood out as not being normal. I went over to him and excused myself and asked who he was. He said he was a part time PhD student and wasn’t in the lab very often. I asked who his supervisor was and he told me it was one of the lecturers from the department so i let it go. About 5 mins later he came over and said that he was offended that i asked who he was, and that i should watch myself in the future. Fair enough, I may have offended him, but when he said i should watch myself i instantly got that adrenaline rush of confrontation! i stood up and said excuse me, as i wanted to be sure of the threat. I could feel the anger in this guys voice and sensed that he wanted this to go further. I could have easily said, “or what?” when threatened, but i calmly told him that i have never seen him before and that there has been theives in the area in the last week. I’m happy that i didn’t escalate the confrontation and was the bigger man by not taking the bait. I even was able to wish him good day as he left, although this may have been tinged with sarcasm!
I had a not so nice confrontation about two weeks ago. I was on my lunch break from work and going to a local dollar store to pick up some detergent that was on sale. Well the buggies are outside the store so I grabbed my buggy and went to the entrance. Now picture this, the doors don’t open automatically you have to open them yourself. So I’m on the phone with my boyfriend holding the door open pulling the buggy in behind me when these two women walk up together with their children. Well I get my buggy in the door ahead of me when one of the womens little girl comes up right behind me and I was gonna hold the door open for her. I saw the girl reach up for the door to grab it so I let go to turn around and get my buggy and get out of everyones way and go on about my business. The next thing I hear is “Mame” and I ignore it thinking it was another customer asking me where something was which isn’t unusual when I am out in my work uniform. Then the “Mame” had gotten very loud and was right behind me and I turned around. It was the mother of the daughter talking to me. And it wasn’t in a soft voice she started saying this. She started telling me that I let that door hit her girl in the head pointing to her daughter. And I said no I was holding the door open for your daughter. Then she and her friend both started getting very loud with me telling me no I let that door hit her daughter, and again I said no I was trying to hold it open for your daughter, then they started getting loud and people was looking. So I told her I was sorry I held the door open for her daughter and it hit her in the head and I turned around and walked off and my boyfriend who I was on the phone with asked me what had happened and I started the conversation off with him “This b*tch” and told him what happened. Well the two women heard me and again at the register we had another confrontation because they over heard what I said. I’m sorry I was defending myself from them. I’m not gonna let someone get in my face and yell out me and have everyone look at me like I did that on purpose. I didn’t even know the door hit the girl even if it really did. So the last thing of out of our confrontation at the register was the other woman calling me a wh*re and I yelled back at her b*tch. Now I have both women coming up to my job making faces at me and trying to get me fired, which isn’t working. But I don’t know what to do!
you were not wrong for what happened but you added to the mix by calling them girls bitches. Next time wait until you leave to add oil to the fire.,
In regards to the wet dog situation. I am the world’s worst in holding back my laughter in front of somebody. I probably would have said to the man, he needed a d— shower anyway,sorry dog stinks like his master.
I work at an apt complex and this Puerto Rican Woman had been having trouble wuth her refrigerator leaking, maintenance had been over a few times, etc, and this was ten minutes until closing(which doesn’t matter to me, I leaver when work is done). She called and screamed about the horrible embarassment when she came home from work and there was some water on the floor. I put her on hold, called the maintenance tech. He said we have to just swap her refrigertor out and give her one that is in a vacant unit. He was finishing up a no ac call and said tell her to give me five minutes to finish up and he would be over. In the meantime I had to go make sure we had a refrigerator. She started cursing and screaming b/c she wanted me to stay on the phone until the maintenance guy got to her apt and THEN she needed me to call her with a status after that. I told her I had to locate a fridge right now and the tech would be over with it. She was cursing f-ing b, mther f-er. I told her I was not listening to her any longer and hung up. She came in to the office and went crazy, asying everytime she sees me in the office, I hurry her along and always “jittery, she repeated that over and over. I told her she could not be in the office and act like that. My mgr and the tech had to physically pull her out of my office into the package room. Seriously she will probably kill someone someday. She needs mental help. I told my boss, “she acted like she discovered America with the “she’s jittery thing” . I need to never have caffiene, but always moving and doing and upbeat. She has more serious issues that water on her floor……..
Hi. I hate confrontations too. I have such a problem with my anger. It used to be too little, now its way too much. Just this morning I was enjoying a lovely morning with my two year old and this womans black cocker spaniel comes running by. My son gets all excited and wants to pet the puppy. the woman is at least 50 behind, but when she catches up, she says ‘He might bite.’ I scoop my son up and as she passes me she looks away from, out into the distance, and says with such attitude, like she’s trying to school me, ‘You don’t know that dog. He could turn on you.’ Taken aback by her manner, I had been quite peaceful, it took me a while to think to say ‘Then your dog should be on a leash.’ It started an argument, and she basically she said she was trying to help me raise my son right — by not chasing strange dogs. I found this comment so incredibly inciteful it was all i could do not to bust her face open. I’ve been arrested for this before, learned my lesson. anyway i thought of a hundred things i could have said. none of which would have been any better way to handle this. i mean how dare she walk by a kids park with her dog not on a lead, then claim he might bite and then call ME a bad parent. it really did ruin my morning. don’t know what i could have done differently. some will say i shouldn’t let me kid chase dogs. Noted. But she still should have had hers on a leash. At least we have somewhere to vent the fiery rage.
Tonight I had a confrontation: I was eating at a restaurant outside. A man pulls up in an SUV with his lights shining directly on my table, just 3 feet away. He sat there for over ten minutes talking on the phone without turning his lights off. I made eye contact with him several times hoping he would get the hint and turn off the lights, but never did. When he finally got out and passed by the table into the restaurant, he casually said, “sorry ’bout the lights’. Normally I avoid confrontations because I get shakey, but I felt like I should speak my mind. So I said, “You could have turned your lights off”. He immediately snapped back angrily, “WHAT???” So I repeated myself, still remaining somewhat calm. His reply was “I SAID I WAS SORRY! CAN’T YOU TAKE AN APOLOGY!!??” (he still had his cell phone to his ear). I said something to him about sitting there for 10 minutes with his lights on. At this point I was beginning to feel the pains of confrontation. He said something else which I can’t remember clearly. Then he rolled his eyes and went inside.
I looked down at my hands and they were shaking! I want to understand this reaction I have to confrontation and learn how to deal with it. I usually try to avoid these situations, but then I feel bad about myself for not standing up when I feel I am right. What training is out there to help deal with these situations. I kept repeating the situation over and over on the way home. I think I would like to encounter more to get used to feelings and learn how to deal with it.
Thanks for this forum. It’s good to be able to vent and find suggestions for help.
Hi AJ
Your note of being assertive is totally valid; But I am absolutely astounded by someone assumed to be a Catholic Christian can use the words “Jesus” and “Pussy” in the same sentence.
there’s some confrontation for you.
Will
PS! For those that did not read AJ’s post yet just search for “Pussy” on this page!
There is an excellent method for communicating during confrontation known as the S.E.T. process. S.E.T. was developed by clinical psychologists for communicating effectively with people who are in crisis or are irrational. I’ve used this method in clinical and personal settings, and it is very effective. You can read about it at http://www.chrisakins.com/communicating-effectively-in-difficult-situations.
Many of us are conflict averse, but when we learn how to manage our own emotional states, establish and maintain boundaries, and communicate effectively difficult situations we can gain the confidence to deal with them in an assertive and effective way.
Chris Akins´s last blog ..7 secrets of self-motivation
i have thiz music teacher at school and he proper shouted at me today for such an unjustified reason.
his asked me to come and play drums for the orchestra, firstly i dont even play drums! , let alone read drum score and have never played in an orchestra in my life!, i just jam out in my bedroom!
so anyway i turn up and the first 20 mins goes quite well, he can see that im not sure with the transfers in the piece of music so he starts off running through the changes whcih is pleasent off him. but when i dont get it right next time, he totally flips!, like hitting the white board behind him , seriously this guy needs to be put in his place, meanwhile everyone else is just watching as my heart beat triples the speed of this lousy piece of swing.
he continues to raise his voice at me throughout the session.
at the end i was totally pissed off and ready to rip this arrogant, worthless piece of s**t’s head off. but just left quitely (you can tell im the non confrontational type :p)
So yeh tomorow i plan to put this guy in his place, he probs wont even take note of what i say cos his heads so far up his own arse but heyy, ill give it a shot.
Ha! That’s classic… the weirdest thing to deal with is someone irate at you for a reason you’re clueless about. Happened to me at work where I was a webmaster for a Microsoft training company. He came into my office screaming about if I take away his job, something, something… and kept getting louder. I sat there and tried to figure it out. He was a big guy, but I didn’t think we’d be physically fighting over it – he was off-the-scale enraged though. Other employees came in and pulled him out of the room. What happened? I still don’t know, our company had a “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t mention things that go wrong” policy. Lol. I think it had something to do with me taking away some of his sales because customers were now ordering online through our ecommerce sites I just built. What set him off, I haven’t a clue.
The best policy I’ve found in dealing with confrontation is to be super calm and just listen at what someone is upset about first. Usually they’re not narrowing it down into the 1-2 things that matter to them, and they’re all over the map with emotional outrage. If you can isolate the one thing wrong, two things wrong – and address them, you might find you agree…
Almost all arguments start out like this… one person is emotional, gets the other emotional – and then both are unable to listen and isolate the true cause. They might be furious at each other for no reason. Happens often!
Vern´s last blog ..Buying Houses on Active Volcanos
Different people may handle confrontation differently. My first reaction is to always shy away from getting angry. I’ve seen the destructiveness of getting angry and losing temper in my life enough to know that isn’t where I want to go.
I think another good way to handle it is to plan for what you will do when it happens. Don’t plan at the time of the confrontation – just like anything in life if you are prepared before hand, you’ll have a much greater chance of success.
And lastly, I am married as are you – confrontation in marriage is another killer if not handled properly. I make sure to talk to my wife about how we should handle stressful situations (an out of control child, bad news, money decisions, etc…). In a nutshell, we ask questions first and always take time to examine situations before letting emotion dictate the situation.
Jeremy Johnson´s last blog ..Introducing The First Wizard, Lisa Irby
Just had a confrontation that’s why I found this site. A man and woman who live near just accused me of reporting them to social services. Told them I didn’t even know they had kids. I kept completely calm although my adrenalin was raised slightly. I’ve been training myself for years to calm down as I used to get into a lot of fights.
The strange thing is because I didn’t get angry and wound up and start laying into them like I might of done some years ago (the man at least) I felt a little flight reaction. It’s not a good feeling I know underneath all anger is fear but anger covers it up so well. Keeping calm doesn’t seem to for me lol. I wan’t to be able to reamain calm but also have very little fear.
I always control my breathing fairly well and I get into a subtle fight stance i’m always aware of what’s going on around me, but this flight feeling is a real danger. It makes you half hearted.
I read someone post that says he wants to start martial arts. It helps having confidence in yourself physically and martial arts can help mentally a little aswell, but 95% of fighting/confrontation is mental and you have to learn how to deal with the fear in your head first and foremost. Trust me most martial arts don’t go down the mental route half enough. Not to say they don’t help they really do, but if you find a meditation or technique that gets rid of 99.9% of fear please tell me! lol
“If all else fails, the nose is a good place to hit first which can temporarily blind them with tears.”
That is hilarious.
Good points throughout though.
Might add not to make the other person feel like you think they are completely wrong. Makes it into a fierce personal battle.
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