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Altering the jacket

I have put up my first blogcast click here to listen.

The blogcast is basically an introduction to me and how the blog came about. It speaks of two major turning points in my life: my attempted suicide 15 years ago and meeting my wife Sharon 4 years ago.

I’ve never really spoke about my attempted suicide since I tried it all those years ago. I was a different person. At the time life to me was a jacket that did not fit and for years I had felt this way. I would console myself with thoughts of suicide, like at work I would think of ways I could kill myself without it looking like a suicide just so my family would not think any less of me. It sounds crazy but my creative suicide attempt thinking actually got me through the day sometimes, it would offer me a bit hope as I knew I had options. Little did I know I had so many more options than life or suicide. Anyway all the thinking of suicide led me to attempt it when I was 21 or so and I am extremely sorry for my family who had to go through this ordeal. At the time there was nothing anybody could have done, I wanted to kill myself and that was that.

When I attempted it I went to bed as usual took a load of pills, started silently crying and went calmly to sleep expecting to wake up somewhere else other than a hospital bed. Apparently I had fallen out of bed and my father heard the noise, I was staying with my parents at the time, and he called an ambulance: Dad I am really sorry for that.

When I woke up in hospital I moaned and started crying again and spoke to my family. I didn’t want a psychiatrist, I didn’t need psychotherapy. I knew what I had to do. I had to change my life by changing the way I thought about the world. I took the attempted suicide positively and made it a turning point and a sign that I was meant for this life I just had to alter the jacket size.

I looked at every single area of my life and changed it. I changed my friends, my career, I changed the city I stayed in and changed my life completely. I wasn’t running away, far from it, I was changing the things in life I was unhappy about.

I am so glad to the person that attempted suicide all those years ago and I am so glad he gave me the opportunity to do all the wonderful things I have done in life since then. Most of all I am glad he bounced back and decided to change the way he thought about the world.

He changed his thoughts and that is why I can write this today.

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